Chapter Ten: From All Angles
“Alright everypony! Now we just have to go buy our tickets to Canterlot and introduce Gauche to Celestia and we can be on our merry way!” Twilight exclaimed happily, looking at the group with cheer in her eyes, completely glossing over the tumultuous circumstances that the Teleportation Station had held for us.
“Whoa, why does one of the eternal Princesses want to see me?” I asked carefully.
“To see who we just brought to Equestria, duh!” Twilight rolled her eyes and kept smiling at me. “You know she likes to take interest in a lot of the things I do.”
“Why?” I asked. “Aren’t you just as much a Princess as she is?”
“Yeah, but Twi was Celestia’s personal student.” Applejack informed.
“Ah, that would explain it.” I scratched my head. “Ah, well at least we can ask her if I actually have to be a Ranger.”
“It’s better than havin' to join the Guard, at least.” Ladesa offered. “Folk like us are more suited to bein' Rangers than guards anyway.”
“True, but I’d rather not take a job where shooting people is a priority.” I answered.
The three Mares who’d come to collect me paled at that, but Maud gave her Nod and said, “I do not want you to add blood to your hands either, but if it is the path before you, then can you really turn away from it?”
I shook my head. “Not unless I want to get my hash deep fried, no. I like my hash cooked on a grill, thank you.”
The Equestrians looked between themselves. “How do you cook hashbrowns on a grill?” Twilight asked, happily glossing over the murder in my future.
I tilted my head. “How else would you do it? You can’t exactly do it with a kettle.”
“Yes, but you cook hashbrowns on a griddle.” Twilight said.
I looked at Ladesa and she shrugged. “I dunno what that is either. Hæl, I’m not even sure if we’re takin' horses to this Canterlot place or if we’re hitchin' a ride on a wagon or somethin'.”
“Hey!” Applejack, Pinkie and Twilight objected in unison.
I looked at Maud. “Did she say something wrong?”
Maud tilted her head at me. “Do you think that we are whorses?”
I squinted at her, trying to make sense of her words. “... You’re Ponies, not horses. Horses walk on four hooves.”
“Are you talkin’ about an animal or somethin’? ‘Cause they say that about whorses too.” Applejack asked.
“Of course I’m talking about an animal. What the Hæl does horse mean to you?” I asked, scratching my cheek.
“It means ‘A promiscuous pony.’.” Twilight answered helpfully.
“Oh, you mean like a whore?” Ladesa asked.
“That would be the equivalent, yes. I should have realized that you would not know the Pony colloquialism for the term. This is my fault.” Maud said, shouldering the blame for the misunderstanding.
I wrapped and arm around her and let my hand rest on her waist. “Don’t take the fall on this one, Mauble-”
“Aww!” Twilight and Pinkie said.
“It’s even cuter when you say it to her!” Pinkie exclaimed.
I slowly blinked and blushed simultaneously. “Can we go now?”
“Sure can.” Applejack said casually. “I’d rather get a move on before we start arguin’ over somethin’ anyway.”
And so we did, but Applejack and Twilight ended up arguing over the fastest way to get to something called a ‘Train Station’, though I didn’t know what a train was, and neither did Ladesa. Maud explained it to me as a massive, semi-autonomous ‘vehicle’ that ran on a combination of Magic and coal to move, but I didn’t know what a vehicle was, so Twilight explained it as anything you can ride, but when I asked if cattle were vehicles, they both told me that living creatures couldn’t be vehicles, but wagons and carriages could be considered vehicles. It usually referred to a ‘locomotive’, which, based on my basic understanding of Lasponese, meant ‘crazy motion’. I wasn’t exactly eager to get on the train after putting that together, and when I saw the terrifying creation pull into the station without being pulled by horses or oxen, I was more than a little scared of it since it just seemed some kind of unnatural.
While I gaped at the hulking metal beast, Ladesa marveled at it with questions abound, suited for Twilight’s particular temperament and tendencies while Maud and Pinkie assured me that crawling into the belly of a great metal beast wouldn’t be the end of me. I don’t like trains, and boarding the hulking monstrosity was horrible. The floor was solid, but when the train started moving, my stomach started doing flips and I could barely walk with the moving platform beneath my feet, which was odd because I’d managed Captain Flint’s ship easily enough during a decent storm and had even held my own with some of her seasoned veterans. However, people weren’t meant to move as fast as a train does, and my time spent curled up against Maud was a perfect example of that.
Twilight and Ladesa had gone off to explore the train so Ladesa could get more of a lecture and learn more about the interesting aspects of a train as well as the boring ones while Pinkie and Applejack made fun of me for getting motion sick. I only bothered flipping them the two-finger salute once, but Maud did a pretty good job of shutting them up. While I was in mourning over losing my breakfast in one of the lavatories, a trolley thing came around and snacks were bought, but my stomach was too upset to bother with more than a couple pieces of bitter chocolate that went a long way in making the cramps go away, but didn’t do much for the nausea, all things said and done.
Pinkie and Maud did a little catching up since they had the free time to do so, but Maud heavily censored our activities, though she did mention my near-death experiences in passing, which left Applejack suspicious and Pinkie amazed by my ‘luck’. Applejack voiced a few concerns about how I attracted trouble, but Maud assured her that she could handle anything that would come after us in Equestria, so it would all be fine. I offered a grunt by way of disagreeance, but no one pays attention to the grunting man if they don’t have to, and the trio of Mares didn’t have to.
Ladesa and Twilight came back after harrying the conductor for a little bit and got confined to their seats, watched over by a staff member nearby every time they tried to go and do something until Twilight identified herself and made a fuss over acting like an overly inquisitive child in the first place. I couldn't find it within myself to give a fuck at the moment, so I just listened as she and Ladesa turned the tables on whoever was supposed to be watching them. It was a little amusing to hear, but the girls were abusing Twilight’s power in a very obvious way, and it made me doubt whether or not Twilight really deserved to be a Princess. At least it wasn’t something important, I guess.
The trip from Manehattan to Canterlot wasn’t terribly long, but it was terribly informational, as far as the group dynamic went. It was a little obvious that the hierarchy had already formed, and that the Princess wasn’t exactly the one on top. Ladesa was the lowest woman on the pole, Pinkie’s opinion rarely mattered, Twilight’s a smart fool and it wasn’t exactly a secret, Applejack was the wisest of her friends and thusly had a modicum of my respect, even if she annoyed me, and then Maud was on top since she could beat everyone up and she’d probably be justified in doing it. I didn’t really know where I fell in that hierarchy since Maud could probably get me to do most things for her, Applejack didn’t trust me, Pinkie was ready for me to fuck up with Maud, Ladesa was a Demi-Goddess, and Twilight seemed to like me for some reason, despite having more reasons to not do just that. I figured I was at the top for the most part since I did a lot of the directing, but it wouldn’t surprise me to find that I was Maud’s right hand, and I would be perfectly fine with it if that were the case.
When the atrocity in motion finally stopped, I was allowed non-moving ground once more, though I was unsteady from having been so incapacitated while on the train. The limes were being sucked as we walked along, but the sourness faded in time as the sights of a city that had fruit dropping from its trees into chutes that would deliver them into your pockets if you stood by the opening. That’s all metaphorical, but the opulence of Canterlot, the rivers of blue blood that flowed from each of the most of the buildings we saw… Ladesa and I were struggling to keep from pocket-diving as a casual thing since we were so used to it, but you couldn’t comprehend how hard it was to leave it alone. It got significantly easier after I noticed that we were drawing attention by a good margin, and had to say something to Ladesa before she could let her hopes get to high.
“Emme sekoita. (We do not mix.)” I said loudly enough for her to hear.
“Hitto!” She cursed.
“What are y’all talkin’ about now?” Applejack asked.
“Nothing important, to be honest.” I answered truthfully.
“So ya just said something in a language we wouldn’t understand because it wasn’t somethin’-”
“That I only needed Ladesa to hear? I told her that we were sticking out. That’s all.”
“Oh. Well, a lot a’ folks who don’t come to Canterlot often stick out like a sore thumb. You always know a Canterlot native from a visitor.” Applejack replied.
“I’m guessing most visitors don’t show up in armour?” I asked rhetorically, my tone as dry as I could get it. I’d worn normal clothes over my stuff, but it was still fairly obvious, and Ladesa was wearing rogue-type gear anyway.
Applejack chuckled. “I’m sure we can find a place for y’all to change before ya meet the Princess.”
“Didn’t exactly bring spare clothes with me.” Ladesa chuckled.
“We’ll buy you something from here!” Twilight gasped. “Oh, I know a few great shops we could go to that have some really cute stuff! What do you say, Desa?”
Ladesa blushed. “Uh… Sure? I mean, do they take Minosian money here?”
“We can go to a bank to have your funds transferred into bits!” Twilight beamed.
“Ah, I’ve got some drachs I need to exchange myself. Let’s make that our first stop, No?” I suggested.
Everyone was in agreeance, so we set our course for Canterlot Capital Bank, and I made my first bank account like some sort of Daywalker. The teller Maud and I went to was surprised by the fat sack of drachs Maud produced from one of her bags, and when it was all said and done, she had about five thousand bits to work with. I, on the other hand, had to grab the pouches I kept in my cowl, the two I kept tied to my chestpiece, each of the ones in my boots, the slim pouches I stuffed under my gauntlets, the usual coinpurse I kept on my hip, the second one that was actually hidden, the four heavy sacks in my bag, the eight smaller coin purses I had sewn into some fluff that made carrying my bag suck a lot less, and one I almost forgot about the I’d put in a sock. It took awhile to get all of my drachs counted, but when I walked out of the bank, I was assured that my eleven thousand odd bits would be safe under lock and key for whenever I wanted them. Maud congratulated me on having a decent retirement fund and I congratulated her on marrying rich. I got shoved gently for that, but she took it in stride.
❖☬❖
“I swear to Me, I’m going to break her buttsack.” I growled, still pissed off at Applejack for opening her mouth when I’d already had it covered. Fucking mortals never understand the fine-tuning of a plan that’s been trillions of years in the making, and it pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe, but now I’m just looking down on people and I need to not do that. Still, imagine my frustration when Applejack mentioned the thing I told her not to mention. You tell a person not to do one thing and then they go fuckin’ Whoops! ‘Sorry I did the thing, I forgot!’ Fucking urgh.
I swooped down from the Heavens to go and pace on Equus for a little bit, then I went to Earth, Terra, and Arkaid. I just did a lot of walking, basically, and it helped clear my mind enough to imagine a million different plans that would end with the same result, but would have different variables in differing difficulties. Hug Bunny eventually joined me, folding her arms and looking as mad as she could to match me, but every time I looked at her exaggerated angry-face, I couldn’t help but want to chuckle a little. My third wife glared at me when she knew she had my attention and flung her arms out wide.
“You got a problem, Buster!? You wanna hug or somethin’!?” She shouted, jutting her jaw out forward to look like she had an underbite from Hell.
“Yeah! Fuckin’ come at me Bro!” I charged her and swept her off of her feet, burying my face in her cleavage because I could.
My Pinkie wrapped her legs around me and hooked her feet so she’d have a solid hold on me. “That tickles, Max!”
I let her hang back a bit and gave her a little smile. “Glad you could make the time to come see me, Blue Eyes.”
“I’ll always have time for you, silly! You just have to ask, otherwise I’m just gonna sleep!” HB giggled.
“I don’t want to ruin your beauty sleep.”
“I don’t even need to sleep, Cinder Bear.” Pinkie huffed. “I just like doing it because waking up feels so good!”
I chuckled and gave her a little smooch. “Then I’ll have to wake you up more often. I’m guessing you felt my stress?”
“Yup yup yup! It’s fine though. It’s not like you can control how you’re feeling!”
I let my smile fade. “Still. I’m causing a lot more harm than good with my vibes here lately.”
Pinkamena gave me a sad look, her hair unfurling from her usual poofs. “You’re old, Max. It happens.”
“I know… Just…” I sighed.
She gave me a hug and let her legs drop. “I love you, Cinder Bear. You know that.”
“I love you too, Hug Bunny.” I gave her another kiss, but this one was longer and tasted like blue candy floss, a note of the bittersweet moment.
When we broke our kiss, I looked down on Equis to see that the women of Gauche troupe were having fun with making Ladesa try on different clothes, but she refused to wear anything that couldn't be called modest at the worst since she considered herself above it. I thought it was cute to see her face grow brighter than her hair for the majority of the venture, but I was mostly worried about Gauche. I needed to speak with him sooner rather than later, and if he didn’t get killed or some shit, sooner would be the option we’d be going with. Sadly, I don’t really get to control that outside of scrapping the project all together.
I spent some time with Hug Bunny, but I chose to appear to Celestia in my Faith suit at the same time to say, “Hullo, Love. Could I have a moment?”
She started since she’d been going about some of her early morning duties before she was due to hear pleas and court matters and whipped her head around to face me. “... You really have to stop appearing out of thin air, Faith.” Celestia chuckled, placing a hand over her heart.
I didn’t smile. “Make Gauche become a Ranger, then send him off to Ponyville for a little while. Wherever you decide to station him in the end is fine, but I must talk to him before you send him off.”
Celestia nodded. “And I should do this because…?”
“I think we both know it doesn’t end well if you don’t abide by my reasonable requests.”
“I don’t like being threatened, Faith.”
“I don’t like being disobeyed, but people do the things I tell them not to do all the time. You’ll get over it soon enough, seeing as how you’ve been in my position before. Smaller scale, same in principle.”
Celestia levelled a glare at me and I snapped my fingers, fixing her face for her. “... I see… What are your intentions with Gauche?”
“I intend on crafting him into something the world has never seen before. Not a King or an Emperor, but a guardian of sorts. You’ll see in time.” I faded out and let the ball turn as it would.
“... I suppose I’d better see what he’s like then...” Celestia murmured to herself.
❖☬❖
After getting changed into some ‘decent’ clothes, the Mares and I took a trip to one of the many castles I’d seen in my time, though this one stood far above all others both literally and figuratively. The monumental structure was magnificent, and the stone used to make it was all such a beautiful shade of white that I couldn't believe it had stayed so pristine, despite the weather conditions. With promises of lunch to be had after we saw the Princess, we made our way into Canterlot Castle with Twilight status as our ticket in. Strolling the grounds was wonderful in and of itself since I wasn’t being prosecuted, nor was I expected to do much more than go say hello and ask a favour, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being closely watched, and not just by one pair of eyes. I mentioned my discomfort to Maud and she said that I was most likely being scryed, but Twilight couldn't trace the caster, meaning that it was most likely Faith and one of his buddies or something of the like.
When we entered the castle, the Mares giggled at the looks on my and Ladesa’s faces. We must have been some kind of staggered, and I’m sure it showed since the place was even bigger on the inside than it appeared on the outside. Grand halls greeted us and stained glass adorned the windows, allowing for beautiful arrays of light to cascade in through them as we made our way to the Court Hall where Celestia was supposedly supposed to be. We didn’t have to wait in the small line that had formed since Twilight had privileges like that, but I did start to feel like having a Princess Pass to do whatever you pleased was pretty bullshit, even more so than I already thought. However, I have to say that it was useful and it was worth the time saved, because Celestia was worth seeing in person.
When we entered the Court Hall, she sat upon her throne with a muted rainbow of a mane billowing in an intangible breeze, her fur standing out just as well as Furladra’s skin, though she lacked the certain ‘glow’ that Furladra possessed. She was a beautiful woman to be sure, but I’d literally just seen a Goddess, so Celestia’s features struck me a little less heavily than they could have, though that didn't mean I was going to treat her as anything less than a Princess. I didn’t know her temperament and I really didn’t know much about her other than to be on my best behavior, so when Twilight and her friends practically skipped ahead of Maud, Ladesa, and myself, I wondered what was about to go down.
“Twilight! Applejack! Pinkie! I’m glad to see the three of you have returned from Minosia safe and sound!” Celestia greeted warmly, her voice like the subtle soothing essence of willow bark.
“Thanks, Pr- Er, Celestia! It took longer than we thought, and Gauche technically found us, but we completed the mission!” Twilight exclaimed. “Now we just need to ask Faith a few questions.”
“He would be here if he intended on answering them.” Celestia said calmly.
“That’s sketchy.” I commented.
Celestia turned her gaze to me and gave me a tight smile. “Ah, you must be Gauche Suede, yes?”
“Yes, Your Highness. Feel free to address me as Garrison, though.”
She gave me an odd look. “Which is your real name?”
“Garrison.”
“Garrison it is then. Come here, if you would be so kind.” Celestia requested.
I looked at Maud, and then at Ladesa. They’d both nodded at me, so I started walking toward Celestia and didn’t stop until I passed Twilight. “Heya.”
“Hello. It’s nice to meet the pony my student accidentally summoned.” She replied pleasantly, though something was off about the way she was speaking.
I tilted my head. “I still don’t know what Twilight was trying to summon. Could you elaborate on that, Twi?”
Twilight blushed and cleared her throat. “W-Well, I was looking for a student that I could teach Magic to.”
“Ah. Apparently I have a little Magic I’m supposed to learn how to use, so maybe we could figure it out together?” I half-asked.
Her eyes lit up. “That’d be great! I can’t wait to see what your magical capacity is!”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Twilight. It’s to my understanding that Garrison has been propositioned to become a Ranger.” Celestia reminded.
“We were actually-” Twilight started.
“I can’t make an exception here, Twilight. Garrison will not be forced to make a career out of being a Ranger, but he will serve the minimum requirement after his training.” Celestia decreed, her tone barring any further discussion.
“Oh…” The purple Princess said, her defeat clear and decisive.
“Can I be based near my lover?” I asked. “I’d probably be more productive if I knew I was helping keep her safe.”
Celestia looked back at Maud and Ladesa. “... I see no problem with that. Who is your lover?”
“Maud, the Pony.”
“Ah.” Celestia nodded. “That is permissible. Who is the Mare with the orange mane?”
“Ladesa, a Demi-Goddess from my planet as well as a Covenant Sister of mine. And we’re Humans, Your Highness. We use the common terms, if you would be so inclined.”
Celestia gave me an amused smile. “I’ll be sure to refer to you as such then, since you’ve been so polite as to inform me civilly. You wouldn’t believe how much offense some races take to being misnamed.”
“I believe it. I know Minotaurs well enough, and the Naga are every bit as prideful, if not more so in their own way. Call a Bull a Stallion and you’ll most likely have a fight on your hands.”
She raised her chin for a slow nod. “I see. Were you apart of any of these fights?”
“No. When I started learning about the specifics for each race, it wasn’t hard to switch things up or keep it like it’s been my entire life. There was one time where I called a Bitch a bitch and got away with it, though.” I grinned at her to gauge where her sense of humor lay.
Celestia seemed mildly amused. “I assume you, your sister, and myself are the only ones who understand the joke within that?”
My grin grew. “That’s why it was perfect, right? Say, do we have to talk here? I’m sure the ladies could use a seat after that horrid train thing.”
The ruling Princesses eyes shot open. “Oh? What happened on your train ride?”
Giggles broke out behind me and my face flushed as Twilight said, “Oh Celestia, you should’ve seen Gauche! I’ve never seen a pony have such bad motion sickness! He spent a solid thirty minutes in the restroom, and even after that, Maud had to go in and get him because he couldn't walk on the train!”
Celestia covered her mouth and her eyes held not mirth, but speculation. Despite giggling herself, it didn’t sound right to me, almost like she was faking it, but I wasn’t quite sure. “Oh, I’m sure you had quite the time poking the woozy bear.”
“Well, Ladesa and I took the opportunity to go around and learn about trains, and I think Maud was pretty adamant about letting Gauche be.” Twilight admitted.
I chuckled. “My Sweetheart is the sweetest when she thinks it’s appropriate.”
“Thank you, Epidote.”Maud said pleasantly.
I turned and kissed my hand before winging the kiss at her with force in the throw. Maud stepped out of the way and caught it with one hand before placing it on her cheek. “Love you, Mauble.”
“Aww!” Twilight and Pinkie chorused.
“Garrison, how old are you?” Celestia asked amusedly.
“Somewhere between twenty-six and twenty-nine. I’m going with twenty-seven, but I don’t actually know.” I answered.
Celestia’s mauve forehead-gem lit up from the inside and I felt an odd sensation coat my body for a second, which made me rub my arms and give the cause of the feeling a look. “You’re twenty-six. Your birthday is next month, actually.” She gave me a warm smile.
“I need you to not do that, Your Highness. Verily I do.”
Celestia tilted her head. “It was a harmless spell, Garrison. I won’t do anything untoward to you, I promise.”
“Nice to know.” I answered warily.
Ladesa cleared her throat from the back of the group. “Yeah, so… Why are we here again? Gauche met Celestia, so can we go?”
“So eager to leave… Ladesa, was it?” Celestia asked.
Ladesa nodded. “To be honest with you, I’m not fond of castles. They make me feel like I’m about to be tossed in gaol for something I didn’t do.”
Celestia blinked at her. “I haven’t heard somepony, or someone for that matter, speak of ‘gaol’ in over a hundred years. I thought your speech patterns seemed a little antiquated, but I should have known that from Garrison’s lack of knowledge as far as trains go.”
Ladesa nodded again. “Yeah, so…”
“Come on, I’ll take ya to the gardens and we’ll meet up with everypony in a few. Whaddaya say?” Applejack offered.
Ladesa gave her an odd look. “I’m pretty sure you don’t like me.”
AJ chuckled. “Ya haven’t really given me a good reason not to. Ya seem a little rough ‘round the edges, but ya don't seem like a bad gal ta me.”
Ladesa looked to me and I shrugged, so she said, “Sure, I guess. Cute woman showin’ me around some gardens sounds nice.”
Applejack blushed. “Uh… Beg pardon?”
I didn’t see what my Guild sister did to make Applejack go ramrod straight, but I assumed she either winked or made some sort of gesture. “You heard what I said. Still wanna go for that walk?”
“... Uh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.” The orange Mare said awkwardly. “Where’s everypony wanna meet up?”
We agreed on the castle’s gate in an hour and a half, so Ladesa gestured for Applejack to lead the way, and so she did, which left Maud, myself, Pinkie, and Twilight to face Celestia. However, our group was apparently meant to shrink by two once more. “Ooh! Ooh! Maud, do you wanna go look over all of Canterlot together!?” Pinkie asked excitedly.
Maud looked at her sister and looked to me, her brow furrowing slightly as she thought about her decision. I decided to make it easier on her. “Must be nice to be able to spend time with your sister when you can.” I gave her a wink and Maud gave me the Nod.
“We shall see you soon, then.” My preferred woman said. “Take care, Gauche.”
“Be careful, Maud.” I gave her another smile and a nod.
Twilight looked at me and smiled when Maud and Pinkie were leaving, but we waited until they were gone for our conversation to start. “It was really nice of you to help Maud choose between you and Pinkie.”
“For as much as you seem to appreciate her company, it was noble of you to step out of the way so she could spend time with her family.” Celestia complimented.
I waved both of their praises away. “I just want Maud to be happy, and she dotes on Pinkie like she’s the woman’s own mother. It wouldn’t have been right to ask Maud to put me above her time with her sister.”
“You say that as if you have a sibling of your own.” Celestia said tenderly.
I nodded. “I had one that I knew of. A sister named Aria.”
“Gauche, you never told me you had a sister!” Twilight gasped.
I chuckled and rubbed my neck. “Never really felt the need to, in all honesty. I don’t particularly enjoy talking about her.”
“Oh, did she pass away?” Twilight asked tactlessly.
“Yeah.” I answered.
“May we ask how she went?” Celestia inquired.
I sighed. “She had Fae’s Farce from a young age. It’s a wasting disease that affects growth in children and drains the energy from the sufferer, making her waif-like and frail. It’s generally fatal, but it’s curable if you have the money for years of medicine.”
“Oh…” Twilight murmured.
“We’re sorry to hear that, Garrison. You have my condolences, and I doubt that Twilight would withhold hers.” The bright white Princess said, her tone as soft as spring’s breath.
“There’s no point in mourning anymore.” I shook my head. “She’s been gone for thirteen odd years, and she was too good to live in Avalesce anyway.”
“Avalesce? That’s your home world, correct?” Celestia asked.
“No, it’s my home country. The world itself is called Terra, Your Highness.” I replied, wondering just how much she knew about me already.
“Ah, I see. Tell me, what was your home country like?”
I rolled my jaw and tried to put it into words that wouldn't make it seem like Hæl on Terra, as it was often called by most other countries. “Well, it was the original home of a lot of the Gods, so it’s… Prestigious?” I tried.
“Didn’t you tell me that Avalesce was dangerous?” Twilight asked curiously.
I grimaced. “I’m trying to find nice things to say about the shitehole to be honest with you.”
Celestia burst out into laughter that sounded more genuine than any I’d heard from her. “Ah, so what was Avalesce really like?”
I frowned. “Don’t let my home land taint your opinion of me quite yet, alright? Just because Avalesce sucks as a whole doesn’t mean that there aren’t a few people out there who serve the right Gods for the right reasons.”
“What are these ‘Gods’ you keep speaking of?” Celestia asked, derailing her previous line of questioning.
“The Gods are holy beings that influence mortal lives from the Heavens depending on their Edicts and their offerings. Give the right offering to the right God on the right day, and you might get a blessing for it. Give the wrong offering to the wrong God on a decent day and nothing happens, but doing that on the wrong day gets you cursed. The Gods aren’t known to be consistently kind beings since they originally walked amongst men as mortals, and mortals generally suck, but they do grant boons to those who please them. For example, I serve Furladra, the Goddess of merchants, travelers and a few other things, and by giving her a lot of good stuff, I’ve managed to gain a blessing and earn my place by her side in the life hereafter. I’d thought that I was forsaken since I’m, you know, here, but it turns out that the Gods watch where they please and who they please.”
Celestia nodded a few times. “What did you give to get your boons from Furladra?”
“I gave the equivalent to ten pounds of bronze to become a Gadai, and then I gave her ten pounds gold to earn the title Varas, meaning that I earned her protection as long as I don’t do something incredibly inadvisable. Apparently, by giving her the best of whatever I managed to get, I abided by her rules, and by giving her more than she ever asked from one of her followers in a short span of time, protecting and straightening out a few of my fellow followers as well as avenging a Varas that lost her mark, I earned the title Varas Tuuli. I don’t know what exactly it means, but apparently she gave me Magic that I didn’t know I had.” I replied, censoring most of it and hoping that Celestia wouldn’t continue her line of questioning.
“Hmm… So have you ever met this Furladra?” Celestia asked calmly.
I blushed at the memories I’d made earlier in the day and coughed. “W-Well, not until earlier today. It’s not like every King or Queen drops by to check on the peasants, right?”
“But you’ve served your Mistress faithfully for how long and she only chose today to show her face to you?”
“The Gods answer to no one, Your Highness.” I said more firmly.
“Why follow them if you don’t even know if they’re doing anything for you?” Celestia challenged casually.
“Because not following them means you’re going it solo, and in most cases, it’s better to have a blessing that keeps you out of trouble rather than having Man’s Malice on your head. Man’s Malice itself might just be superstition, but the Gods are worthy of being followed.”
“And what makes them worthy of being followed?”
“Their power and their wisdom.” I answered readily. “Ladesa may be a Demi-Goddess, but she lacks the mind of a God, the ability to know and see all within their scope.”
Celestia levelled a cool look at me. “Do you love your Goddess?”
“Of course.”
“Would you give her all you have?”
“I’ve done it before.” I said truthfully.
“Would you give your life for her?”
“Furladra’s call is my command.”
“... Hmm… So if you were to become a citizen of Equestria, then would Furladra’s laws be pertinent to you than Equestria’s?”
“Furladra’s laws don’t interfere with the laws of man. In fact, most of them are based on standard laws found in any country.”
“Tell me about Avalesce.” Celestia commanded with the voice of a Brothel Mommy, which is to say that I was either going to talk or get locked in a room or something of the sort.
“... Where do you want me to start? The corrupt Aristocracy, Constabulary, Bureaucracy, or the shitty King?” I asked facetiously.
“Start with the King.”
“King Havel the Fourth. His family’s been in charge for around three hundred years and
that’s mostly been because they’re the richest fucking family in Avalesce, which is why everything’s corrupt. Elmers, the Royal Family, have been known to pull crossbows out in the middle of a market and start firing for no reason other than the fact that a peasant’s life is worth nothing. There aren’t many ways to strike back at them since assassins that take hits on Royal Blood are never seen from again, thieves that get caught stealing from them end up in gaol or climbing the Nevergreen, and the army’s so full of Mercs, slaves, and people who are only loyal to coin that a military revolt is only likely if Havel finds someone he can’t pay off, which is unlikely in Avalesce.”
“What about the Police Force? The Constabulary?”
“They don't get away with all that much since the Thieves Guild and the Left Hand have feelers out for anyone who might need to be knocked down a peg. I remember one time where a Copper misfired his crossbow while trying to kill off some old crone and hit a kid. He disappeared for a week before he was found chopped up and nailed to the local Bobble Shop.” I answered with no inflection.
“Avalesce sounds like a very hostile place. Where did you fit in?” Celestia asked.
“I didn’t. I-”
“I don’t like being lied to, Garrison. Tell the truth, please.” Celestia requested kindly.
“G-Gauche? Was your home country really that bad?” Twilight asked, concerned.
“Ask your questions later Twilight.” Celestia said, walling off that avenue of escape.
I looked at Celestia and sighed. “I was a thief. A good one, but a thief nonetheless.”
Twilight gasped. “Are- Are you serious? You’re a thief!? You told me you were a possessions allocation specialist!”
“That’s a very fancy way of saying thief, Twilight. I told you that.” Celestia replied softly.
I shook my head. “I didn’t want to tell you that I burgle for the simple fact that I knew you were going to look at me like that.”
Twilight glared at me, tears in her eyes. “Well you deserve whatever look I give you for trying to pull the wool over my eyes! And here I thought you were a nice guy! I bet you just wanted my bits all along, didn’t you!?”
“If I wanted your bits, I’d have them, Twilight. After I stepped on you, I never made a move on you. I never searched you when I had the chance, never tried to pull anything while you were sleeping. I rob rich arseholes, Twilight. Not just anyone.”
“It doesn’t matter who you’re stealing from! It’s wrong in the- Is that where you got all those bits from!? Stealing from ponies!?”
“Corrupt Nobles. Rapists. Murderers. People who left their own children to rot in an Orphanage with no name to claim.” I answered coldly. “They deserved what they got.”
Twilight’s glare lessened as she took a moment to be shocked, but then she went right back to being mad. “How do I know that you’re not lying about that too!?”
“How do you know I was telling the truth when I said that I was a thief? You’re choosing to believe what you want.” I said, flipping it back on her.
“She’s choosing to be suspicious of a suspicious person.” Celestia countered, her voice hard. “What other crimes have you committed, Garrison?”
“Yeah! What aren’t you telling us!?” Twilight yelled in agreeance.
I looked between them. “You can’t prosecute on charges based on crimes in another country, let alone another planet. You also can’t tie me to anything, so I think I’ll be taking my leave.”
“I don’t believe so.” Celestia replied icily. “I believe you’ll be answering-”
I popped two smoke pellets and threw one at Twilight and the other at Celestia before making a mad dash for a side door that I’d scoped after walking into the room, and once I cleared it, I didn’t stop. Running was the first thing on my mind, and I hoped that Furladra was smiling down at me because I could rather use her luck in the moment, and of that I was certain. I followed the path my gut set for me, often having to push off of a wall to keep momentum, but before I made it to the five minute mark, I was mid-air, falling to the ground at a pretty decent clip.
When I hit the ground, I landed hard on my stomach and slid long enough for me to roll and get on my feet. However, I wasn’t going anywhere fast since translucent walls materialized around me, trapping me within their confines as Celestia strode toward me. I’d been teleported back to the Court Hall, but Twilight was nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to feel like a cornered rat. Celestia was supposedly the most powerful being on the planet, and while I doubted that she was as powerful as a God, I didn’t doubt that she could end me with but a flick of the wrist.
Have I ever said fuck my life before? Because I was honestly feeling the fuck in my existence, and it was barbed. It was long, hard, barbed, and it was jammed right between my arse cheeks as Celestia said, “You’re fast, but it matters little to someone like me.”
“Magic is such bullshit.” I seethed.
“But it’s useful for doling out justice. And judgement.” Celestia said, her voice dripping with bitter venom.
“I love walking into traps. Fucking love it.”
“Sarcasm. Cute.” Celestia deadpanned. “What do you want with Twilight?”
“Nothing. I want to see the girl happy and healthy, and that’s fuckin’ it.” I growled. “Looks like she’s never gonna wanna see my fuckin’ face again now, so don’t worry about it.”
The Princess narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”
“My reasons are my own.”
“Don’t make me ask twice.” She warned, making my gut do flips.
“... She reminds me of Aria. Is that good enough?”
“No. Elaborate.”
I glowered at the cunt. “Aria was smart, naive, a little simple, and marched to the beat of her own drum most of the time. Twilight just reminds me a lot of her when she had the energy to play with the other children in our orphanage.”
“... That’s true. Why did you come to Equestria?”
“Furladra told me that some sketchy old guy named Faith had gifts for me, but I don’t know what they are or who he is. There isn’t a God named Faith, and the only one I actually serve is Furladra.” I answered begrudgingly.
Celestia raised her chin. “What are your intentions with Equestria?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know! I don’t really even wanna be here, but it was either turn into a fuckin’ serial killer and go to Hæl because this Faith guy wants me in Ponyville, or turn over a new leaf, not go to Hæl, and live without having to worry about getting stabbed or some shit! The illusions of choices surround me fuckin’ constantly!”
“You know you must be punished for your crimes, correct?” She asked.
I spat on the floor. “There’s a lot a’ fuckers worse than me who hurt people better than us who get away with what they do. You kill me, you drop a philanthropist. You kill me, you waste the best infiltrator you’ve ever laid eyes on. You kill me, and I have a funny feeling that this Faith guy is either figuratively or literally going to rape you-”
“Not literally. Never literally.” A somewhat familiar voice said. I’d heard it shortly before Ladesa stepped on my in the inn, but the words seemed to be coming from nowhere.
Celestia looked around herself, but neither of us found the cause of the disturbance. “... Faith?” Celestia asked.
“The one and only.” He said, dust swirling together as it took the shape of a blue Pony with a black and silver mane. “What did I tell you, Celestia? Honestly. What did I fucking tell you?”
The Proud Pony Princess pressed him with a glare. “What is your plan, Faith?”
“It’s none of your GODDAMNBUSINESS!” He roared suddenly. “I command, you obey. Next time? Next time I’m taking Luna from you and I’ll give her back to you with a mind shattered to pieces. Fucking test me, Celestia. Fucking Maxdamn I fucking dare you to defy me again.” Faith’s form flickered for but a second, but that’s all I needed.
The man I’d seen, not a Stallion, was Human to be sure. From his nearly black hair to his dichromatic eyes, I knew that he had to be from either Avalesce or Amestris, but his eyes were the tell tale sign. They were what made me certain that I wasn’t looking at one of my countrymen, but they didn’t look like the eyes of a Panterra, one of the Godly Family. None, and I do mean none of the Gods were ever told to have a mutation like that. They were all told to have the same colour eyes as their sigil. Green for Furladra, red for Dissida, white for Luxus, yellow for Lewwy, and so on and so forth. None of the Gods were said to have different coloured eyes, yet ‘Faith’ was obviously the guy Furladra was talking about when she mentioned someone older and more powerful than her, or at least, he was on of the people. His very presence made my stomach shrink until it felt like it was collapsing on itself, setting my very bones on edge, filling me with fear for his sheer might. He was powerful, and there was no room for doubt in my mind about that, but I did doubt that he was showing his face for the fun of it.
From the sparse glimpse I’d managed to catch of what I assumed to be his true form, or at least, his mortal body, the fellow was probably in my line of work at some point in his life. He lacked any scars that would have given it away, but there was a certain light to those green and blue eyes that told me of marks well caught and spoils well spent, though I didn’t dare speak out of turn with him in the room. My instincts were telling me that Odysseus wasn’t so much as a mite to Faith, that even Celestia probably didn’t even earn an honorable mention in his tomes upon tomes of mildly dangerous, if not semi-harmless beings. The vibe Celestia put off was daunting to be sure, but it wasn’t breathtaking like Furladra’s, and Faith’s voice alone was enough to cow me. Me, of all people. I like to think of myself as a wise man, and as a wise man would do when faced with a being more powerful than the Gods, I shut the fuck up and waited for him to finish deriding Celestia.
Faith, in his Pony form, turned to me and smiled, which didn’t make me any less afraid of him. “Garrison, Mate. How are you?”
“Faith-” Celestia objected.
His face went from placid and calm to raging like a sea of blood spilt from the stillborn and seventh sons of seventh sons. “Did I fuckin’ ask you to speak, shithead? Say something else before I tell you that you’re allowed to speak in my presence and I’ll rip your bloody tongue out!” He shouted, the very air around him shattering, leaving holes in reality as I knew it, opening windows to a world that I was being drawn into as he spoke. However, before I could numbly and dumbly walk up to him to enter one of the windows since my mind apparently went out the window as soon as the air itself broke, Faith made a closing gesture with his hand and put the other on my shoulder. “Wotcher, Mate. I ask again; How ya doin’?”
“... Little scared. Don't really know what going on.” I admitted.
He patted my arm and gave me a warm smile. “Few people do, even when their lives aren’t as complicated as yours, Garrison. That’s why I’m going to leave you with a few presents to help you make it through the tough times ahead, okay?”
“... What if I don’t-”
“Ah, nah. You don’t get to say no. I say, you do.” He ended my line of questioning before it even began.
“... Why wait so long to show up, then?”
“Because there are rules I have to play by to get what I want, but if I don’t get what I fucking want from this planet, then I’m going to fuck it up worse than you could ever imagine. Maric will look like the Guild HQ after a hard mission in comparison to what I’ll do to Equis.”
I felt the blood drain from my face and I glanced at Celestia, but she couldn’t help me, so I looked back at Faith. “... What are you?”
“I’m the guy that made you.” Faith answered softly so that only I would hear. “You can call me Allfather, or you can name me as the Creator. What you call me doesn’t matter as long as you do what you’re supposed to, okay? Okay.” He patted my shoulder once.
“... Right. So about these Magicks you’re giving me-”
“What sounds good to you, Bruv? What power would you like?”
“Um… You mean like, a power that one of the Gods has?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah.”
“... Could I Shadowmeald like Furladra?”
He tapped my forehead. “That’s one. You get three.”
“I honestly don’t know what else I would need, Allfather.”
He grimaced. “Call me Max. Less pretentious that way.”
“Max.”
“Good man. Now I highly suggest Psychokinesis, but you could always go with some other mental type power.”
“... Reading minds?”
“Sure, if that’s what you want. I could give you some suggestions if you’re not definitely into it. When I got to pick my first set of powers, I didn’t get any backsies, so…” He shrugged.
“Right. Could I hold onto said backsie for a later date?”
“No.” Max deadpanned.
“Fuck. Could I combine-”
“No.” He said in the same tone.
“Okay. So Mind-Reading?”
“Mind-Reading.” He tapped my forehead again. “The last one gets decided for you, and it is, with a drum roll,” Drums appeared and started beating out a rapid staccato, coming to a crescendo in both volume and tempo before cymbals crashed. “Advanced healing! Ta-da!”
I pursed my lips. “Oh. Fuckin’ useful, that is.”
“You want the drawbacks to healing fourteen times faster, or do you want to figure it out for yourself?” Max asked kindly.
“Can you just tell me now?” I asked, easing up since it appeared that I was on his good side.
“Of course, Mate! Happily! Since you heal fourteen times faster, you’re going to live a little longer than normal, but don’t worry about that just yet. It’s also going to be absolute Hell, and yes that means Hæl, for you to get drunk, so cheers, yeah?” He produced a couple of glasses of amber liquid and handed me one. He took a sip, so I sipped mine, but even without having much of a tongue for alcohol I still knew that it was easily the best liquor on the planet. It was smoother than a diamonds facets and burned in a pleasant way rather than being stiff and hard to swallow, and the aftertaste was reminiscent of maple candy.
“Damn, that’s some good shit.” I complimented.
“Damn straight, Mate. It’s a ten year old number aged in a maple barrel. Bourbon, of course.” He winked at me like it was an inside joke, but it’s not like I’d ever had ‘bourbon’ before.
“I like bourbon now, I guess. Not much of a drinker to be honest with you, though.”
“Trust me, I know, Garrison. For your Fate? Drinking might be helpful, but it’ll be better if you keep your wits about you. Just friendly advice, not an order or anything.” His smile made my day feel brighter and lifted the weight from my shoulders, despite knowing that I was picking up more and more of Celestia’s ire for being buddy-buddy with the guy who was dwarfing her without trying.
“Right. So are you a God or…?”
“I’m the God, Mate. I’m in charge of Furladra.”
“And the rest of the Panterrans?”
“Yup.”
I blinked a few times. “Hot shite.”
“Hot shite indeed.”
We looked at each other and he nodded a few times.
“Alright! With that, I don’t really need to be here anymore, but in case I need to make this clear,” He looked at Celestia and his face fell flat. “Unless Garrison commits a crime in Equestria, he’s untouchable. You go after him and I’ll stop you, then I’ll fuck you up worse than you can possibly imagine shortly after I make Luna into mincemeat pie and feed her to you. Do we have an understanding?”
“... Understood.” Celestia said wisely.
Max nodded and turned back to me. “You. You give Celestia any shit and I’m not going to stop her from breaking your face. She’s a Princess and she’s been around longer than some of your Gods, so give her the respect she deserves, yeah?”
“... Not to be a smartass, but you kinda set a bad example on that one, Bruv.”
“I sure did, but I’m older than this fucking planet. In fact, I made this fucking planet. I have privileges.” He nodded. “It’s kinda like having kids that like to ignore the fact that you’ve given them everything, even the air they breathe, except damn near everything is your kid and they all manage to do shit you tell them not to fucking do. Like, I love plants. They’re some of my favourite things in general because you know what they do? They grow. That’s about it. They don’t do things other than grow and I love it.”
“... Al-right.” I said slowly, a little weirded out by the One Above All. “So what don’t you want me to do?”
“Don’t die yet.” He said simply. “When you do die, don’t worry about it too much, yeah?”
“Yeah, sure thing, Bruv.”
Max nodded and took a deep breath. “Holy shite, this gets old, to be honest with you. New face, new hope though, yeah? Let’s hope your road is better than the last guy’s.”
“... There was a-”
“There were a lot of guys before you, but don’t waste your time on it and just get your Ranger training over with. It’ll suck, but oi! It’s not as bad as training under her.” I pointed at Celestia. “Or Luna for that matter. They’d both drive you near or to insanity since you’re not exactly far from it, let’s be honest here, but they’re not mentoring you right now, so don’t worry about that either.” He gave me a smirk.
I smirked back. “Sounds like a plan. Got a question or two if you don’t mind taking a little extra time.”
Max shrugged. “Never say I’m not generous. What’s up?”
“I know a Twilight Stroller when I see one. Are slash were you a Stroller?”
“Midnight, not Twilight. My record only would have gotten me to Gadai, but I could’ve gone Varas in time.” He answered rather pleasantly, like we were just shooting the breeze and he hadn’t just threatened a being he’d literally just said was older than some Gods.
“Ah, so you were pretty good yourself?”
“Mate, I was one of the best in my planet’s history.” Max scoffed. “Sadly, thief turned assassin turned full blown killing machine in the course of a couple years, but that story’s long and I’m not sure if you care to hear about how a being more powerful than your Gods mixed together and multiplied by a hundred got to be so powerful.”
“It sounds like a fucking fantastic story to be honest with you.”
His smirk fell. “Yeah, it’s an epic alright. We’ll go over it some other time. For now, Max out!” Max did a little salute and winked out of existence like he’d never been there in the first place.
I looked at Celestia. “Mutual enemy?”
She gave me a look before I got slapped on the back of the head. “I heard that.” Max’s voice echoed through the room.
“... Can’t even plot against you?”
“I know everything, Garrison. I can tell you exactly how many times you actually managed to get Flint off if you want to fuck with me.”
I sighed. “It’s less than one, isn’t it?”
“Two, but at least you’re not over confident. Stay that way.”
His voice faded and I looked at Celestia again. “Okay then. So we just met the Creator.”
“It would seem so.” She reply.
“... Want to put this little-”
“I will wait until you make a mistake and then your life is mine.” Celestia growled.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Princess, I don’t want to be your enemy, and we just got lectured by the Creator of All that Exists. Are you sure you’d rather-”
“Quite.” She cut me off. “You might be some kind of prophetic being, but that doesn’t mean I’ll simply let you do as you please-”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do here, Princess. It’s honestly not.” I replied coolly.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “... Then what do you want?”
“I just don’t want you to be sending someone after me or give me a shitty assignment because you’re hoping I don’t make it out alive-”
“I can’t.” She said bitterly. “‘Max’ forbid me from ‘going after’ you, which you would have known if you were paying attention when the Creator was speaking to you directly.”
“I paid attention, I was just horrified and awestruck.” I answered with a roll of my eyes. “It’s not like I’ve met the guy who created me from the ground up before, so allow me to apologize.”
“I will hurt you.” Celestia warned.
“Am I dismissed?”
“What do you think?”
I shook my head and left the Court Hall in a dour mood, though it was interesting to know that I now had new Magicks to play around with. I wondered how they were supposed to work since Mind-Reading was an active Magic, Shadowmealding was an active Magic, and apparently I had some kind of wind-based Magic that I needed to learn how to use, and all of these gifts had been dropped into my trunk at the same fucking time. Twilight probably hated me, Princess Celestia wanted my head, Princess Luna didn’t trust me anyway, Applejack would probably hate me too, but for some reason I wouldn’t have been surprised if Pinkie already knew what my profession was, even without anyone saying anything. The girl knew more than she let on, that much was clear, but I had no idea what the fuck Ladesa was about to do. I had to bring her with me, but we couldn't start the Guild back up unless I wanted to get gaoled or worse.
In other words, I was up Shit Creek with three wonky paddles that weren’t helping me make any progress at the moment, and a boat made out of a sped up healing process that seemed like it would come in handy. I wasn’t screwed per se, but things weren’t looking good for me since I was officially on the Royal Notice Board, and that meant that my dealings were going to have to be more than discreet. Knowing that lie-detecting spells were close to being fool-proof and that half-truths could only get me so far, I was trying to work out a plan that wouldn’t end with me dying before Max apparently wanted me to. As I made my way to the front gates, I tried to formulate a plot with everything I had at my disposal, but the main thing I kept coming back to was a question, and said question was: How did my life get so fucked so fast?
Some days are just rougher than others. Some days can change your whole life, and today was one of those days, which is why I chucked the moment I got outside and kept on retching for a good ten minutes until the nausea cleared. After that, I was as fine as I could be with a Royal target on my head and a Godly eye watching my every move, both waiting for me to fuck up. The world was sitting on my shoulders, and it was almost more literal than figurative at this point, or rather, that’s how I felt. I was lost for the second time that day, and the feeling was so lime-sucking that I couldn’t really grasp it for what it was. I always knew what to do. Garrison Varas hasn’t been caught without a plan since the age of eleven, but now? How the fuck do I plan against Fate itself? All I could do was flow with the tides, but the currents in Shit Creek spun you in circles so you had to paddle your way out, but the fucking paddles! The wonky fucking paddles!
I found a good place to sit down and decided to shut up and wait for awhile. That was about it. I had a lot to process and I doubted that meeting up with the Mares and Ladesa was going to go well so I sat back, relaxed as much as I could, and let the chaos carry me away.