//------------------------------//
// Feeling Better 
// Story: The Olden World 
// by Czar_Yoshi 
//------------------------------//

"So how are you, Starlight?" Maple asked, breaking the silence and darkness of the airship's pantry. "I think that's enough about me. How are you taking all this?"

Starlight nestled against her, a barrel to her back and a sack of flour touching her side, somehow just as comfortable as she had been in bed. "Are you sure?" She tilted her head uncertainly upward, her horn having gone dim long ago. "I'm fine for now. Don't you have enough problems already?"

"I'm weary, and it's hard to move." Maple nudged her back, tapping the top of her head. "And magic or not, what will help me most is reminding myself that I can still do things worth doing. So tell me about you. Let me listen."

"...I'm glad it's over." Starlight sighed, not wanting to collapse or spill everything she was feeling, but still trying to be genuine. "I feel... I haven't been feeling. I haven't felt like me. We've been running around trying to stay safe so much, and fighting for our lives and worrying about other ponies and almost dying. It's like... we're too busy trying to survive to do anything we want to do. I want to survive, but who doesn't? You know?"

"Hmmm..." Maple held her close. "Maybe. Tell me more."

"In Riverfall," Starlight grumbled, "all I cared about was cutie marks. And being treated fairly, and other stuff. I crossed those stupid mountains because of it! But it was still what I got to do. I didn't have to, and no one else did. But ever since we got to Ironridge, I've barely thought about them at all. I was too busy being stuck in caves, or getting dragged around cities, or being injured or keeping you alive. I feel... pressed. It doesn't feel nice."

Maple hummed sorrowfully. "And now are you worried because the old you doesn't feel like the new you, but you're not sure who the new you is any more?"

Starlight hesitated. That wasn't how she would have put it, but upon thought, it wasn't far from the truth.

"Anyone would have tried to survive." She hung her head. "Not just me. Anyone. Before, I didn't want to be special. But even insisting that made me different from everyone, because no one else did that. In Ironridge, though, I just did what anyone would have done and tried to survive... stubbornly, but still. And it didn't feel good. All I wanted was to do what I wanted, but that wasn't what I said I wanted, so... Argh!" Pouting, she flopped back against Maple. "Then there were some ponies in the Stone District who were talking on and on like nothing had happened and treating me like a rock and that should have been what I wanted, but that didn't feel right either! I almost died to save their stupid city, and they ignored me and thought it was romantic. Nothing makes sense any more. Once we get back to Riverfall, I don't know what I'll do..."

For a moment, Maple was silent. Then: "Would it help if I told you that I enjoy having a cutie mark?"

"You mean that you and Willow always wanted to change my mind and make me accept them?" Starlight glanced up. "I already know. And I know I'm wrong, too. But I won't forget Sunburst... or everything that made me cross the mountains in the first place. And just knowing what's wrong doesn't help me know what's right! I hate not feeling like me... being forced to change... the world being unfair... But I also hate what happened to Sunburst. And if I tell myself that's nothing, I might tell myself hurting you by not listening to you about using that dumb machine is nothing, and then... I don't want to do that!"

She held on tight, and if she hadn't been whispering, her voice would have cracked. "Maple..."

"Shhh," Maple comforted. "Why don't you... mmm..." She bit her lip. "That's tricky. Starlight, I wish you didn't have to think about these things. You're a filly. You should be loving and enjoying life, not worrying about adult problems like these. I don't think even I'm old enough to deal with those..."

Pausing, she eventually settled on an answer. "I know," she said softly. "Think about it like this. The world is unfair, and things happen all the time that make you prioritize things above your own happiness, just like Ironridge and Sunburst. And those aren't fair, but they always happen. But a cutie mark... is to remind you of who you are, so those don't unfairly change you...and if they do, you can find your way back. How's that? Hmm?" She smiled hopefully.

Starlight wiped a hoof across her eyes. "So you're saying Sunburst's cutie mark was to remind him of who he was, and the reason it meant him leaving was because being around me was unfairly changing him into something he didn't want to be?"

Maple swallowed, and Starlight remembered with a flash that the whole point of this was for her to help Maple feel like she was doing something worthwhile. "Sorry!" she blurted, cutting off whatever the mare was about to say. "I meant... I didn't mean that."

"Oh, Starlight..." Maple rocked her back and forth. "I wish Willow was here. She'd know exactly what to say. I love you, and I'm here for you, and I wish that could be everything you need..."

"It helps," Starlight assured her, thinking as quickly as she could. "Really. It does. I don't like being alone. And don't worry. I told you, I'll be okay. Maybe it'll even be better if I don't know what to think. I might not scare as many Riverfall mares."

"Hmmm..." Maple chuckled under her breath. "I remember that. Who was it you crystalled? Mangrove, I think? I think she deserved it..." Her laughter trailed off. "You were using your magic as a light earlier."

Starlight quickly followed her train of thought. "I'm not going to disappear again," she promised.

Maple looked worried. "Are you sure...?"

"Something's different about my magic since I... came back," Starlight sighed. "Remember when we were at the tree the first time, and everyone's horns weren't working? There was some kind of really strong magic down there that stopped me and Howe's brother from doing anything. And then it changed when I tried to smash the moon glass and started helping me, and made my spells stronger. Remember?"

"I... maybe?" Maple tilted her head in thought.

"When we were leaving," Starlight continued, "and the elevator was falling apart, I put us all in a crystal to get us safely to the top. Remember that? That didn't hurt my horn. It was like the tree was helping me, like some of its magic stuck with me just from being down there. But after that spell, it wore off. But after I disappeared, and was in the flames for a while..." And might be made of them, she subconsciously added. "I feel the same. But it hasn't worn off."

Maple's eyes widened. "You mean your magic is fixed?"

"No," Starlight grunted. "It's still the tree's magic. Not mine. I can feel the difference. While you were asleep, I went back around Ironridge and took care of some things. I accidentally teleported once. But my horn feels fine."

"Starlight..." Maple beamed.

"I hit..." Starlight paused, thinking how to phrase her words. "When I teleported, it was like I hit an invisible barrier between the tree's magic and my magic. I could have pushed through it if I wanted, but it stopped me from doing it accidentally. Like it wanted to protect me. And after a while of not doing magic, I think it recharged."

"But you can do magic and not hurt yourself," Maple whispered. "Really?"

Starlight hesitated, then nodded. "Not much. I could push myself for a long way before getting more than a headache before. You saw how many lasers I fired in the Flame District. This might be a few small spells or one big one. I need to test it more... but yes, I think I can."

"Well, if you can help it," Maple said, nuzzling her, "I don't want you to ever need to use that machine again."

"I won't need to," Starlight told her. "I hope."

For a moment, they were silent. Then, Maple asked, "What was it like?"

Starlight glanced upwards. "Being disappeared?"

"Yes." Worry and curiosity mixed on Maple's face, and she managed a small smile. "Was it like anything at all? Were you actually dead, do you think?"

"...I don't know," Starlight said, pondering how much of her experience with the grayscale vision to share. "I had a dream, I think. Or a nightmare. It ended when I woke up. But I think it had to do with the moon glass that was in the flame. So before you got me there... maybe it was nothing."

Maple shuddered. "It felt like a nightmare, trying to get there... What did you dream about?"

"It was snowing," Starlight sighed. "I saw everything in black and white, like that time I touched White Chocolate's moon glass. There was no wind, no temperature, I couldn't see far, and nothing but flat ground. Then I started finding dead monsters. They looked like ponies, but wrong. All hard, and full of holes. After that, I found Valey, and I think she had killed them. Only she looked older, and had scars and injuries. She was talking to herself, and mentioned me by my full name. You know... not just Starlight. Starlight Glimmer. I stopped calling myself that after it made you realize I wasn't from Sosa, and never started again... But I couldn't interact with her. It was like I was just observing. And then there was this wave of black, and it felt like I was drowning, and I tried to reach the surface and woke up..."

"That doesn't sound pleasant at all," Maple agreed. "What was Valey doing there?"

Starlight shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know what it means. I thought about it, but it was just a bad dream. And it was just creepy, not bad like Herman trapping me with his axe while..." She trailed off, seeing the expression on Maple's face.

"I survived," she said. "I'm all right. And if you want to thank someone, thank Valey. She was acting weird in the tunnels and the tower on our way to the skyport. She might be better now, but also might need it."

"...Some day," Maple breathed, "when we're back in Riverfall and Amber and Willow are there with me, and it's just us in my house with warm blankets and tea and we're safe and happy and I can move without fighting my body... I want to hear about Ironridge from you. The whole story, everything you did, especially the parts where I wasn't with you. For now... Are you good for now?"

Sensing Maple was asking if she had done a good job, Starlight nodded. "Yeah." Then, remembering where they were, she added, "Maple? I know you're tired, but do you think you could make something to eat? Not just bags of fruit chips?"

"For you, I would love to." Smiling, Maple stood up, then wobbled. "I might need your help a bit, but let's do this. One tasty meal with whatever this ship has to cook with, coming right up!"