Dear Princess Celestia,
I want to know something, why in the hell is there a full grown dragon taking a nap here in Equestria? Isn't it either your job or the job of the royal guard to keep those things in the dragon lands or are they just as incompetent as most everypony else I have to put up with? I would also like to know why the hell it is up to me and my birdbrained "friends" to get rid of it.
I get it, you're probably too busy stuffing your face with cake to deal with it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, you were lazy enough when you expected me to learn everything on my own up there so Faust forbid you run a dragon off. The least you could have done was send some guard ponies down here to help me with this but because you won't, this is certain to end in failure.
Now one thing that I honestly don't get, I bring it up to these hacks you cursed upon me and they get ready like this is going to be something glorious and not a chore. I suppose I shouldn't bitch too much about most of them except for Fluttershy, who is scared to death of her shadow and wants to stay in Ponyville. Had I not thought that she might make herself useful in one way or another, I would have just let her stay home and play with her animals or whatever idiotic things she likes to do.
I tell you, the trip up there was a royal pain in the ass because Fluttershy was too damn scared of just about everything. I want to know something, was she dropped on her head a few too many times as a foal because she acted like she couldn't fly up with us. Yes I think Rainbow is a bitch but her bitchiness towards the coward was warranted for once.
Not only did Fluttershy slow us down by not flying, she caused Applejack to have to drag her around the mountain, she caused a landslide and she couldn't jump across a chasm shorter than my horn. What a pathetic thing she is. Could you please find somepony else to replace her with, such as Twinkleshine so one member of this group you put me with will be worthy of my presence?
Now for this stupid dragon, the idiot doesn't understand reason. I tried telling him he was causing the weather service to have to issue poor air quality alerts across Equestria and he didn't care. I felt like saying, "screw this" and going home but I figured that if it ate those other five that you'd shit all over that sunny flank of yours.
Next up was Rarity who tried to whore herself out to it for a few gems but that failed, no big surprise there. Next Pinkie thought throwing it a party would work and of course it wouldn't. After that the narcissist went in and kicked it, which caused it to come out and nearly kill us. Could you please replace her too, perhaps get Minuette to join us with Twinkleshine? If we're going to have an overly happy pony with us, it may as well be a hot one. Tell you what, if you will just send all my old friends down here and make us friends with benefits, maybe I'll stop bitching.
Finally though I thought I was going to drop dead in surprise when little miss chickenshit actually confronted the dragon, told it that it was a bastard for trying to hurt us, told it to quit ruining our air quality and to get lost. I can't believe it worked but that still doesn't get her off of my idiot list. One other thing that I don't get. After the dragon was gone, why the hell didn't Rarity go in and get as many gems as she wanted? I suppose her failure to do so proved even further that she is a moron.
Once it was gone I was equally as shocked when the idiot pegasi cleared the skies down here and now all of a sudden chickenshit thinks she is brave because she can tolerate Pinkie pretending to be a dragon. Next time a dragon or some other unsavory creature is bothering this country, could you please take care of it yourself instead of expecting me to do it.
Your Bitchy Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To My Bitchy Student,
Could you just shut the hell up already? Look, I didn't know the dragon even crossed into our airspace, much less decided to go into a coma in the top of a mountain. It is up to these lousy guard ponies to patrol the skies but it is obvious that they are as worthless as you are.
Now there is something you forgot that I told you, it is YOUR job to take care of villains and that includes these inconvenient critters too so quit your bellyaching. Look, your friends were simply excited for the most part to take on this endeavor while you were obviously just being bitchy because I am pawning things off on you that you don't like.
About the trip up to the dragon's cave, I suppose I can see why you are bitching about Fluttershy but maybe if you throw yourself out to her in the future, maybe she will be more excited. I will be honest, with all the delays you told me about and the things she caused, I'm shocked you managed to get up there alive.
Now about how you handled that dragon. With you it should come as no surprise that the dragon blew you off, they don't care about the environment they share with other creatures. With Rarity, what a shame that wasn't Spike up there snoring smoke, he would have let her rock his world and then begged her to take him home with her. Pinkie is just an idiot so no wonder her plan didn't work and Rainbow is lucky she didn't get you killed or a certain rainbow maned pegasus would find herself in Tartarus.
Now for what happened in the end, I am utterly shocked that Fluttershy not only stood up to that thing but got it to leave. I know you bitch about her being scared of everything but you should be thanking her for saving your lavender ass, well and so should the rest of your friends be thanking her. Also, I'm going to let you know why Rarity didn't go in there and take so many gems, she knows she couldn't afford the taxes I would levy on her and if she couldn't pay, I'd seize that fashion shop of hers. She definitely doesn't want that!
Oh and regarding replacing your new friends with your old friends, ain't happening. The only time you ever hung around with them was when I forced you to or you wanted a bootie-call. It could be worse you know, I could have rounded up five ponies that are as dumb as those colts you mentioned in your previous letter to befriend.
On a final note, I will tell you this again so maybe it will sink in to that egg shaped head of yours. Getting rid of unsavory creatures is your job now, remember? I have better things to do such as feast on cake, especially the white variety with pink frosting just to spite you.
Your Supreme Overlord,
Princess Celestia