Dear Princess Celestia,
First off, I think there is something seriously wrong with Spike. He has got it in his head that if I give him a mustache that he will be able to score with Rarity. Did you have a meeting with him so you could tag-team troll me or is he really that stupid? I just hope one day he will realize that Rarity is not a pedophile nor is she into bestiality.
To make matters worse, the following day I wound up running into two mindless colts who claimed a new unicorn had come to town, one with more magical powers than anypony, ever. Now I call bullshit on that because that is MY description and when I finally saw this unicorn for myself, I knew she was going to be nothing but trouble. All that stage magic is so damn lame that any average unicorn, outside of the moron colts I brought up, could easily pull it off.
I tell you, this town is full of idiots because outside of my acquaintances, they all believed that dumb little bitch when she claimed she vanquished an URSA Major. Vanquished an URSA my lavender flank, my guess is that she has never even seen one, much less vanquished one.
Now after a couple of my acquaintances failed to show her up, Spike was pestering me to challenge her and you know what? I would have but I didn't want everypony knowing how truly superior I am to them, it wouldn't bode well for my image so I let Rarity try and handle her, and after being embarrassed with green hair, hopefully Spike will forever be turned off to her.
Ok, I honestly think a couple of colts need to be educated on what a con-pony is because suddenly they have willingly become this unicorn's slaves, Trixie is her name. Now of course like all colts they are more curious than a coyote as one of my acquaintances would put it and have decided that since Trixie won't tell them the whole story about an URSA, that they're going to go get one for her to vanquish.
Oh joy, this can only end in disaster but one thing I would like to know. How the hell do they even know where this URSA lives, much less how to get to its cave. I'm thinking you better check the curriculum down here because we don't need them being taught where to find dangerous creatures.
You know, I've tried telling Spike to shut up because I can't ruin my superior image by showing up a stage magician but then guess what, the damn URSA has come to town and of course Trixie is suddenly The Cowardly and Pathetic Trixie so guess who has to deal with that damn thing? If you guessed me, that is right. Of course I'm the only one in this run down dump to have the power to do so.
Yes in the end I had to show these ponies how much better I am then they are and hauled that URSA home. What a shame it hadn't actually been an URSA Major because then I could have vanquished it and boasted that I'm better than even you. Oh well, I ran Trixie out of town, punished the idiot colts and then called it a night.
I must say, I know I should be getting accustomed to the ways of hick towns but I'm not. I'm still cursing myself for not going to Moondancer's party. Yes she would have wanted to get in my coat but that would be preferable to having to deal with the drama of this Faust-forsaken place.
Your Superior Student,
Twilight Sparkle
To My Allegedly Superior Student,
I get it, you're upset that Spike wants to screw Rarity yet you can't have Twinkleshine, damn it sucks to be you. So there was a new unicorn in town huh? Now you shouldn't be too hard on those colts because from what I understand, Snips and Snails are their names, are latchkey colts whose parents are never there for them and want a mother figure, even if she is a narcissistic fraud.
Alright, I agree with you on her stage magic being lame but there is one thing that you are wrong on. You are not the one with the most magic, I AM and don't you forget it. If you were as good with magic as I am, you'd be co-running this country with me instead of being my lowly subordinate.
Now regarding you not wanting to show off your skills to show up Trixie because you were afraid of how ponies may perceive you, that is pathetic! I did not raise you to give a shit what other ponies think of you, I raised you to show how superior you are and to put lesser ponies in their place, that is one strike against you. I'll let you in on a little secret, I was thinking of letting you come home early but not now, you'll be stuck there for the rest of your miserable, pathetic days if I have anything to do with it.
Regarding the colts and the URSA, the curriculum down there does teach where to find them. Now I was going to change that but just to spite you, I'm not only going to leave it in there, I plan on encouraging the foals to go find things to bring into town to inconvenience you. At least that way you will have a reason to bitch rather than just doing it because your friends are idiots.
Now for another thing, I'm glad that you were able to get everypony to see that Trixie is a fraud and you hauled that URSA back home but Ponyville now needs a new water tower. Guess what, I'm jacking up your parents' property taxes until enough is collected to buy Ponyville a new one or perhaps I should just have an actual water treatment plant constructed along with everything needed for running water there and that pathetic town can move into the modern world.
Now look, you really need to pound it into Spike's head that he's never going to score with Rarity and for Faust's sake, stop giving him facial hair. That is just as lame as some shit Trixie would do!
Your Irritated Queen,
Princess Celestia