Dear Princess Celestia,
What the hell is up with this? I want to know why the hell you decided to send me to some tiny shit hole I can't even find on a map? Oh that's right, it is because you're too damn lazy to set up your own celebration. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you sent me away so you could screw one of my so-called friends since I'm probably not good enough for you anymore.
After I arrived in this hell hole I was suddenly confronted by five of the most annoying ponies on the face of the planet! One of them already wanted to be my friend and forced me to eat so much I looked like I was knocked up by the time I was done with her. Another is a narcissistic bitch who is slacking on the job so she can practice for the Wonderbolts. The third is even more annoying and suddenly Spike wants to screw her. The fourth is a pegasus with a shitty song bird choir and to make matters worse, she is scared of her own shadow. Finally, the fifth doesn't know libraries are supposed to be quiet and likely has an undiagnosed case of ADHD.
At least they proved to not be completely useless and aided in getting this worthless festival of yours set up but then this bitch I read about in a dusty old book just had to come and crash this party. Oh well, your party was turning out to be boring as hell and at least she livened things up a bit. I just hope the hell this doesn't keep me away for too long, I've had my eyes on Twinkleshine and I'm going to be pissed if I can't get with her.
Your pissed off student,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I get it, you're all pissy because I sent you away so I could screw those so-called friends of yours. Now I would have decided to send you to a festival in Tartarus or maybe the moon but even I'm not that big of a bitch. I have a news flash for you Twily, your parents are the ones who convinced me to send you down there, they don't like your snobby attitude and figured some time in a small hell hole would do you some good.
About those ponies you are having to put up with, they do sound annoying but who knows, maybe they'll get you more down to earth like your parents wanted. Oh and about that pegasus that is slacking on the job, just tell her to either get to work or I'll feed her to some timberwolves and emphasize how I have no use for lazy bitches like her.
About this whole festival and your constant complaining about me sending you there to put it together. You are a great organizer and are far less likely to be distracted by things such as cake and other attractive mares so get over it. I want a festival worthy of my greatness and they aren't bright enough to put it together themselves.
And also about the pony who crashed the party, good for her. That hell hole could use some excitement for a change. Now could you do me a favor and quit your bitching? I haven't had my cake yet and my patience with you is already wearing thin.
Sincerely,
Your bitchy overlord