A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Chapter Eight: That's Not Very Nice!

I sang merrily, creeping out my partners in torture just a little bit. I often fuck up songs just to make them a little bit more morbid, but after I’d cut out some of ‘Pops’ teeth and made sure he wasn’t going to move anytime in the rest of his life, I was a little more psyched to play with the cerebral side of torture rather than the physical side. There was a cabalistic essence that I was going to be adding in as an extra treat when we finally got to our destination, but it was something that I didn’t know whether or not it was going to work. Still, having Furladra cast her judgement on ‘Pops’ would be for the best since I only have the authority to deliver his life into her coffers. She’ll be the one to decide whether he wanders the planet for eternity, lost to all and powerless to correct the ‘wrongs’ committed against him, or he’ll be sent straight to Hæl after he dies. Either way, Furladra’s verdict will count more than Dissida’s as long as I don’t kill Pops right away.

Hurrata hitaaseen kuolemaan, or rather, hurrah for a slow death, am I right?

Anyway, Steely whistled as he pulled Odysseus’ sleigh and I sang my own tunes as the three people carrying our supplies were coming along just as pleasantly as they pleased, though they gave me funny looks for my song. The sleigh was waylaid a few times by guards who were wondering why we had a guy kinda sorta bleeding in it, but I usually explained that I was his son and that we were taking him to a Shaman for healing since a Dæmon had been the one to nearly kill him. Most of the guards were content to let it go at that since being a Xysma has its perks, but a palm or two needed some grease by way of a few silver drachs, although I had plenty to spare after collecting my just due from Odysseus’ coffers. The man was richer than shit since he had his hands in so many biscuit jars that it was honestly ridiculous, but still. As his heir, declared by Odysseus himself, his shit was mine for the taking as long as I took him out of the picture.

After we cleared town, the Dagger Fall, our Pegasus, and Dalia, a Mollyhen (Female Griffin. I forgot the term until just now, to be honest.) took off to find the nearest swamp and secure us a good place to let our tormentor die slowly. While we walked, I asked Steely if I could hop in the sleigh to get us started and he said that I was too small to be a problem, so it was fine. After doing a little hop to get into the place I wanted to be, I got the supplies from our guys and rammed the tube down Odysseus’ throat and attached a funnel to the end. Good Ol’ Pops woke up and tried to bite the thick tube since it was so ‘carefully’ rammed down his gullet, but it didn’t matter.

“Heya, Pops! Looks like you’re awake!” I gave him a bright smile as he tried to wriggle about, then it got bigger when I slapped him. “Ah, this is gonna be great! I can’t wait to send you to Furladra for your sins, you naughty little fucker.” I chuckled and shook my head at him. “I know you’re not gonna answer right now, but it’s okay. I don’t need you to say anything because I have some things to say.” I wiggled the tube around in his mouth and throat fucked him with it for a few minutes, making him gag and convulse, but I’d made sure that his stomach was empty before we put him in the sleigh, though it’s not like it would have mattered much. I could have just stoppered the tube.

“Gauche, quit playing with your food.” Frieda giggled, taking to the air, keeping pace while not actually hopping in the sleigh itself.

“Oh please. This piece of inhumane shit bounced my head off of a table and crammed the flesh of a speaking creature down my throat for shits and giggles. I’m about to piss in the funnel to be honest with you.” I winked at her while Odysseus tried to moo menacingly through his nose.

Frieda gave me a look. “Seriously?”

“I’ve been holding it since we killed his little Honour Guard just for this moment.” I stood up and jimmied the ‘zipper’ on the comfortable ‘denim’ breeches, though I don’t know what the fuck denim is supposed to be. I just liked that they were black.

“I’m not going to stop you, but wouldn’t that make him sick?”

I got the zipper thing to go down and whipped my willy out before plopping it on the edge of the funnel. Pops tried to… Well, he kept trying to turn his head, but the tube was flexible enough to make it pointless. “Not sick enough to kill him. Besides, we can let him spew it back up anyway.”

“Ew.”

I started getting the first part of my relief and Odysseus did his best to roar as his stomach filled. “It’s worse coming up than going down, I’ve heard. Mix piss with bile and you get-”

“I really don’t want to know.” Frieda said awkwardly. “... Gauche, what exactly are we going to do to Odysseus again?”

“We’re going to let him rot away!” I gave her a smile and the corners of her beak turned upwards.

“Sounds good to me. We’re not starving him, right?”

“Nope! Milk and honey three times a day until he dies.” I finished and made sure to get the last few drops in before zipping up my trousers and letting the tube slowly slide out of Odysseus’ mouth.

Once it was out, he roared loudly enough to hurt my ears and make my bones feel funny. “YOU SOW’S SON BASTARD SHIT STA-” His stomach rejected it’s drink and he dropped his jaw to get it out of his system, but I stuffed the tube back down his throat before he could actually get it out and popped the cork back in before he could get it out.

His retching and all of that amounted to nothing for a few seconds while I hopped out of the sleigh, laughing the entire time with Frieda up until a yellowish-brownish brackish-looking liquid shot out of his nostrils and poured out of the corners of his mouth. After that? We lost our shit entirely. “Holy fuck! That’s fucking great!” Frieda exclaimed loudly. “Hot fuckity fuck! Did you know he’d do that?”

“Wait, what did he do? What happened?” Steely asked from a few feet in front of us. “Did our glorious leader lose his lunch?”

“Damn straight! Gauche was feeling a little pissy about having to spend three weeks recovering from Odysseus’ beating, and Odie took it like a champ before it shot out of his snout!” Frieda guffawed, her low, lovely alto turning as sadistic as it had when I’d allowed her to handle Sectus herself.

It reminded me to rub something into Odysseus’ face. “Oh yeah, Pops! I forgot to tell you that your little set-up with Sectus fell through harder than your little set-up with your buddies! And, on top of that, capital was my priority. Not the mission. Rule number one of being a Varas? Coin first, lives later. Always.” I spit it his eye and he couldn’t do a damned thing about it besides moo through his nose.

“Man, I bet we’ve got a great haul coming in when we get back to base. I don’t get to make much these days unless I have to go sleep with someone.” Frieda sighed.

“We’ll fix that, Frieda. You’re far more valuable as a Stroller than as a Streetwalker.” I praised.

She gave me a look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I returned her look with one of my own. “It means that you’re quiet and you have a good eye for the valuable shit. If I wasn’t already spoken for, I could probably get over the beak long enough for a peck or two.”

“Shut up, jackass.” She huffed, looking away from me. “I turn heads wherever I go. I don’t need to make you one of the drooling fuckers looking at my tail.”

I looked at her tail. “So why is there a little puffball on the end of it anyway? Most Griffins don’t have tails like that.”

An Earth Pony on the other side of the sleigh answered for her. “Do you seriously not find that attractive? Even if it’s just aesthetic, most red-blooded males would kill for a Mollyhen that took care of her tail like Frieda does. It’s basically a guarantee of personal hygiene.”

“Gee, when you lay it out like that, it makes me feel like so much more than a piece of meat. Thanks.” Frieda said irritably.

I put a hand on her leg instead of her shoulder since she was still flying and she looked down at the smirk I was giving her, but I said, “You know you’re more than quim with quills, Frieda. Just because these fucks give you the wrong kind of attention doesn’t mean that everyone assumes that you’re slutty.”

She rolled her eyes and touched down so she could walk next to me. “What a gentleman.” Frieda said, doing a damn good Maud impression.

“Mmm, I love a woman who speaks with no inflection.” I growled sensually.

That got laughs from everyone in earshot because they knew my lover well, but Steely laughed loudest. “Ha! He loves you because you sound like the grey Pony!”

“Shut up, lunkhead. Once you get something besides Bull semen between your ears, let me know.” Frieda said scathingly.

Steely turned and glared at her long enough to make a misstep and put his foot into a decent divot in the dry, nearly grassless earth. He nearly fell flat on his face, but no one really wanted to piss him off since he was our main muscle at the moment. “Easy there, Steely. The only person who can drag your arse back to base if you sprain an ankle or fuck your hoof up is Hot Tot or Lisck.”

The Earth Ponies in question laughed at that while Steely nodded. “My hoofing is sure. I was just busy glaring at the harlot.”

“Just a regular bundle of sticks, arentcha?” I asked drily.

“I am a Minotaur, not branches of wood.”

“What’s a bundle of sticks have to do with anything anyway?” Frieda asked.

“Do you have the term ‘faggot’ here?” I asked quietly.

She squawked and flew out of earshot to have herself a quick giggle while our fliers came back to tell us that we had a swamp a few miles ahead and that there was a village nearby. They’d gathered the intel we needed and apparently there were all sorts of creepy critters that were analogous to the ones from my world, which was the main point of going to a marshy area in the first place. I’m going to skip the rest of the walk since it was a little boring other than the advent of a few more jokes, a few sly innuendos, and the only other female in the group telling Frieda that she had a certain lopsidedness to her. Said female got cursed out for her words and everyone got a chuckle out of that, so spirits were good until we got to the swamp. After we hit the marshes, life sucked pretty hard for everyone since there weren’t really any trees with above-water roots that would allow us to get out of the water, but that’s mostly because there were no trees. I’d never been to a Thesuvian swamp, but I was still assured that the worst of Minosia’s creepy crawlers lived in the wetlands, as was common with most places that didn’t have outright jungles.

Once we settled down, I started the process of mixing and getting the first part of the honey blended into the cattle milk we’d brought along, making sure to tell Odysseus that we’d borrowed one of the cattle he kept in the Xysma ranch as the source of said milk. Steely found the news to be a little off-putting, but I offered to let him fuck Odysseus and he got upset about that instead of being salty about the cattle milk thing. What I didn’t mention was that we had three more jugs and that only two of said jugs actually contained ‘milk’. Everyone else other than our presiding Minotaur (Besides than the guest of honor himself, that is.) knew that I was planning on feeding my forcibly adopted fathersemen. How did we manage to wank enough bull juice to get two jugs?

Sometimes it’s better not to ask questions. It really is. It also took some time, but ‘stale’ bull juice is even better.

Anyway, the first batch went down as easily as it could have done and I got the plugs we had on hand into the correct orifices in time for Odysseus’ vomiting to fail miserably, even as white fluid leaked from his eyes. I’d seen something similar before along with the painfully distended stomachs of former victims, but that wasn’t the whole story, nor was it the end of the first day of Odysseus’ suffering. No, I happened to have a little vial of something special that I got while shopping with Pops himself, and when I waved it in from of his face, he just glared at me, not understanding what I was intending on doing with it.

“Heya, Frieda?” I said, biting back giggles.

“Yeah? What’s up?” She asked, a little bored since Odysseus had quieted down a lot.

“How sharp are your claws? Or should I say talons?”

She looked at them. “They’re talons on most Avians, Sweetheart, and not very. I don't keep mine sharp.”

I looked at Dalia. “What about you, Dolly? Do you keep yours combat ready?”

She nodded and sharpened them against themselves as she did, carrying on while she spoke with the sounds of harsh rasping evident during her reply. “Sure do, but don’t call me Dolly.”

“Can I call you Dally?”

“Like dilly-dally?”

“You sure as fuck took your time in getting back.” I replied humorously.

She rolled her eyes and Dagger Fall flipped me off. “Buck off, dickface. We’re both faster than you on the ground, let alone in the sky.”

“Just givin’ ya some shit, Bruv. I’d say I’m taking the piss, but it already shot out of his nose.” I jerked a thumb at Odysseus and pulled the plugs out of his nose so he could actually get a decent breath. “Dalia, I need you to shred his trousers and slice his pants off.”

She gave me a look. “I don’t wanna do that, Bub.”

“What if I offered you five drachs to do it? Silver, not copper.”

“Silvers are worth fifty, you simp.” Frieda said, confused.

“It’s worth two hundred fifty to me for a slapdash job, if you know what I’m saying. Especially around the groin.” I chuckled darkly.

The mood shifted a little and Dalia’s beak clicked once. “You want me to cut it off?”

“Oh Tartarus, my talons would be better for that.” Frieda giggled with me.

Odysseus mooed a little less violently this time, but he still sounded as pissed as he could be, but I put his fears to rest. “No, no, we’re not cutting it off. We’re cutting it up for a little fun-” Odysseus mooed much more loudly once he realized why I wanted the juice of the hottest pepper in Minosia; the Tongue-Fucker.

“... That was ominous.” Frieda said.

“Little sketchy.” Dalia agreed.

I smiled. “So what has Odie done for you?”

They looked at each other and looked back to me. “Nevermind.” They replied in unison.

“So where do you want me to start?” Dalia asked.

“Go from the waist down, but leave the tender bits for last, no?” I said cheerfully.

She gave me a wink. “Sure thing, Boss.”

I frowned. “I’m not really-”
Steely chuckled. “Oh no, you will most likely gain some manner of rank for dethroning a sapiavore within Bite-Back’s echelons. Odysseus was a fool with his power, and your subversion of his great strength shows promise.”

“It doesn’t really hurt that you seem to have a kind of air about you. Like, you’re really confident in what you can do, Dude.” Dagger Fall said reverently. “Schrade and you, or like, you and Schrade, both kinda have that air of intelligence or something, kinda like you halfway know what someone’s about to do.”

Frieda scoffed. “Shit, this guy has weird instincts. It’s bonkers, I’m telling you. We got set up bad, but he was the one who got us out alive for the most part. All I did was nail a few Watchers, but Gauche was the guy who got us another route.”

I scratched my neck. “It’s one thing if I brag, but it’s a whole different beast when you start doing it for me. I don’t think I like it.”

“Deal with it, dickface.” Dalia said, hopping into the enclosed sleigh to get started with Odysseus’ ‘disrobing’

He started mooing the moment she started cutting, and everyone present took an interest in watching her work, so we gathered around the sides of the sleigh, jockeying for better positions while Dalia haphazardly cut into Odysseus’ thick hide more often than not while she cut his trousers off. Once his pants were gone, I had her back out of the boat so I could apply some healing poultice to his wounds that would stop the bleeding before getting back out, but there was a problem in the form of his sheath. I wasn’t aware that most males on Equis had a sheath, but then Frieda took over and gave the unlucky fucker the last, though most likely the best, lap dance he’d ever get, making him rise soon enough. No one was expecting him to be hung like a doormouse apparently, but he was only small by Minotaur standards. I’m pretty sure he could have still knocked a small-to-medium sized woman out by whapping her with it if he’d really felt like being a dick with his dick, but I digress. More meat meant more bleeding, but Dalia barely traced her claws over most of his length until I told her to make sure that the blood was flowing.

Once she was done with her little venture, I traded places with her in the sleigh and patted both of Odysseus’ legs. “Heya Pops! How ya feelin’?” He grunted some unkind sounding non-words to me. “Great! That’s what we were aiming for!” I unstoppered the vial and placed my finger on top of the opening, daubing a little on the tip, and that kinda sucked since hot. Even with my mild discomfort, I knew it was about to get worse for good ol’ Pops, which happened immediately after I poked him in the eye, earning myself some distressed screams from him. “Ah, dontcha love it, Pops? Dontcha love the music!?” I bore my teeth to his one open eye.
“Sing for me you little whore, and sing all. Fuckin’. Day. I betcha it’s about to get a lot worse for ya.” I backed off a little and grabbed his rod with vengeance, digging my nails into the blood-slicked, tender flesh before dragging them from base to tip as slowly as I pleased, earning myself a few more screams before the real fun started.

“Someone’s a little fucking crazy.” Frieda commented idly.

“Just a little~” Dalia sang innocently.

I ignored them for the most part and slipped on a spare leather glove that I’d brought specifically so I could safely rub my special sauce into his rod, which garnered louder screams and some ‘enthusiastic’ thrashing of his head, but it still wasn’t over. “Heya, Pops! Whatcha bellyachin’ for? It’s not even bad yet!” Tears streamed from the once proud Bull’s eyes while I firmly grasped it, not allowing his appendage to slide into safe quite yet. With my other hand, which was still holding the vial, I patted Odysseus on the cheek. “We only used half the juice and you’re already bein’ a lil’ bitch, but do ya wanna know why I saved so much? And trust me, it’s not going in your mouth.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head, thrashing about even more, but between being tied down and having most of his major tendons and ligaments sliced to pieces, there wasn’t much he could do. Especially not as I lubricated the vial with leftover sauce from the glove, slipping it between my hand and his all-beef, kosher sausage before placing it against the entrance of his tip. He mooed repeatedly as I slid it in and I figured it best not to cackle lest someone figure out that I was having far too much fun with my vindication. Once I’d slid the whole vial into his mutilated member, I needed a little extra help.

“Oi! Someone got anything long and stiff besides a dick around here?” I asked, looking around.

Dalia gave me a confused look, evidenced by the furrowing of her brow. “... Whatcha need it for, Boss?”

“I’ve gotta push it in a little farther.” I said over Odysseus’ protests.

“Dagger’s fingers are the daintiest here. Otherwise you’re S.O.L, Bub.”

I looked at Dagger Fall and he blinked. “... Are you asking me to stick my finger in a Bull’s cock?”

“Yup” I replied.

“Sounds like it.” Dalia said shortly after.

“What did you think?” Frieda clicked her beak twice when she finished.

“I would do it.” Steely said.

“That’s because your sexuality is dubious. I don’t want to touch another guy’s meat.” Dagger said like a sexually-insecure teenager.

“I’m not asking you to suck it, I’m asking you to stick a finger in it. It’s not fun for any party involved, but it’s less fun for him.”

“I want some drachs for it.” He said stubbornly.

“I’ll give you three of the ones he’s supposed to give me.” Dalia said, trying not to giggle.

“Why are you throwing drachs away?” Dagger asked, bewildered.

“Five silvers for doing something fun is dumb. Two is enough for me, and fifty coppers ought to be enough to make up for the balance.”

He grumbled and fucking brayed. Like a horse. I expect cow things from Minotaurs because they look like cows on two legs. I expect bird things from Griffins because they have bird heads. When Cats lick the back of their hands to smooth down their fur? That’s cat stuff, and they look like cats. Ponies just look like slightly messed up Humans to be honest, so it’s weird to have them do horse stuff out of nowhere. Hæl, I’m pretty sure they whinny too, I just haven’t caught one doing it.

“Fucking fine.” He hopped into the sleigh, and despite Odysseus rapidly shaking his head, Dagger Fall begrudgingly buried the dry tip of his furry finger into the Bull’s urethra (I think that’s what it’s called anyway.) until he reached the last knuckle before pulling it out with a look of disgust on his face, drying his finger off on some of Odysseus’ tattered trousers. “Now what, you sick dick?”

I gave him a grim smile. “Tie off the tip.”

Silence fell for a moment. “... Why?” Frieda asked.

I looked at her. “Would you like to do it?”

“I will, but why?”

“T’is a surprise, fair Kitty-Birdy.”

She shot me a look. “I’ll still peck you.”

“Just tie it off, will you?” I deadpanned.

Frieda traded places with Dagger Fall while I held Odie closed and kept a firm grip on him to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere. Once Frieda had him tied nice and tight with some rough-spun twine, she gave me a curious look. “I know it’s gotta suck, but what’s the point of it?”

I adjusted myself so I could get Odysseus’ footlong frankenfurter onto my knee before brutally smashing it with the pommel of my knife. His cries were definitely heard, and they only grew in volume as I hit him time and time again. I stopped at three because I’m nice sometimes, but when I hopped out of the sleigh, no one said anything. “So? Everyone ready to go back to base for the day?” I shouted over Odysseus.

“... Dude.” Dagger Fall said. I only saw his lips move, but I assumed he used one of his favourite words.

“Savage.” Frieda commented, exiting the sleigh herself and standing next to me. “Remind me to never get on your bad side.”

“Ah, fuck!” I shook the spare glove off and held my knife in my dominant hand before hopping back into the sleigh with ease. “Heya, don’t wait up on me. I’ve gotta do something real quick so I don’t go to Hæl for this.”

“The fuck?” Frieda asked.

Cutting off the remainders of Odysseus’ shirt was easy, so I started carving Furladra’s Seal into his flesh soon enough. “Gotta make sure Furladra can claim his soul as hers, otherwise I just did some Dæmon shit for Dissida’s pleasure.”

I was pretty sure that I was being stared at for tearing into Pops’ chest with my knife and carving the Seal into his flesh, and then I was certain that I was because I could feel everyone gathering around me to see my knife work. It took time, but I was kind of glad for the company since it meant that I wouldn’t be alone for my trip back to Bite-Back, which would have been a little sucky. As it was, I got the Seal done with my usual neatness, which is to say that it was slightly slipshod, but still recognizable by anyone who actually knew what the fuck it was. After that, I washed my hands in the muddy water and my little cadre spurred me on to lead the way home.

I watched over Maud as she made her way toward the Maeotian Marshland, but my focus was on Luna and Celestia for the time being. They’d been discussing ‘Faith’ for some time now, and Luna’s retorts often came back around to, “Celestia, my sister, this being is Eldritch! A male Alicorn appears from the Ether, lit-er-al-ly, and you send off Twilight, of all ponies, to follow his orders? No matter how many times I explain how ridiculous you’re being, you just gloss over the glaring details!”

Celestia, however, was the one to find another tactic. “Sister, listen to yourself. You admitted of your own volition that Faith is Eldritch. What could we do to stop him? What could we possibly do to make his plans fall through? If not Twilight, then who else would he take for his game? If he doesn't think his plans are going through, then what do you honestly think will happen? Because I have a feeling that I know.”

I found that rather interesting, so I devoted a little more attention to the conversation.

Luna tried not to grind her teeth. “What. What could he possibly do that Discord or Tirek have not? What threat could he pose that-”

“He’s not from Equis, Luna.” Celestia said bluntly.

… Shit. Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-

“... What makes you sure of this? You said he was a Pony, was he not?” Luna asked cautiously.

The eldest Princess shook her head slowly before meeting Luna’s gaze, the feeling of being haunted perfectly expressing itself through the depths of her own eyes. “Luna, I met Faith’s gaze, and do you know what I saw?”

“I will not until you tell me.” Luna said, the feeling of being watched washing over her, despite that not being my fault.

“The end. I saw the purest of white and the darkest of black. I saw Death’s Door in his gaze, and he wasn’t even aware of it. Luna, ‘Faith’, as he calls himself,” She made some exaggerated air-quotes, making my silvery, iridescent blood freeze in my veins, “may very well thrive off of exactly that. My sister; in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that Twilight was given a mission from The Creator.”

Fuck me. FUCK. ME.

“The Creator takes no physical form, Celestia. And besides, did Faith himself-” The bluest of the Princess began.

“The Creator is the one who makes the rules, Luna, but what I can’t understand is why he’s using Twilight. All I know is that something is shifting beneath our feet. I can feel it in my wing, Luna. The old scar is acting up again, and I’m scared, but I need you. I need you, Lulu. I need you to help me figure out just what the buck is going on.”

Luna stared at her sister: digesting, contemplating, and brainstorming. “... Celestia, what if it’s time?”

“There is no prophecy about The Creator touching Equis and delivering an ‘untrustworthy hooligan-looking type man’ to our planet. There are no more prophecies, Luna. They’ve all come to pass.” She interrupted solemnly.

“... That’s what I mean.” Her only sibling replied softly. “Every prophecy we had has come to pass, and now we have Faith, a being with powerful Magic to an extreme, has come saying that he has plans. What if-”

I froze time and took a much needed break, clutching at my hair and screaming my bloody head off like a madman. Everything I’d been working toward for googols upon googols of years… All shot down, once again, by mother. Fucking. Celestia. At that moment, I was a fucking atom’s nucleus’ breadth away from ripping her innards out through her bunghole for eternity. All of them. Every. Single. Fucking. One. As it was, I couldn’t stop myself from bitch-smack/slapping (I did both.) every Celestia that had existed during this particular run, and when she recoiled from the blow, I thought that I might have made a bit of a mistake, but I had to listen on to know if I was going to just abandon the planet entirely, or if I was going to be allowed my one pea of hope. I remembered keeping that pea under my plate in Kali’s compound, but I couldn’t be sure if I was supposed to eat it quite yet.

I conjured up a little ball of Celestial Bronze, the size of a pea, of course, and just looked. I clutched it and closed my eyes, my mind racing before I felt arms envelope me. “Oi-oi, Sweetie. Looks like you’re stressed out.”

”Roxanne, not now.” I said softly, struggling to hold it together.

“Max, Smokey, relax a little, would you? Breathe for me, okay?” I took a shallow breath, but that wasn’t good enough. “A deep one, Max. You’ve given the same advice before, so take your word and use it. You’re a wise man, and you’ve always been a crafty guy-”

“If I’m so fucking crafty, then why am I the oldest God, bar-fucking-none? The only things  that have ever been older than me were the Truths, and even they faded away, Roxy. Even they found what they needed. I’ve been working for so fucking long…” I took another shallow, shaky breath while Roxy held me tighter.

“Max, have some faith in yourself. You can always try again-”

“How fucking long! How fucking long do I have to wait!?” I roared, bubbling over enough for black holes to engulf multiple planets before Twilight could stop them from spreading any further. I knew that it was unfair of me to have my wives. Full stop. It was bullshit that I’d pulled both of them through resets, but when Roxy spun me around and slapped my shit?

I’d never been more grateful for my mistakes.

“Shut the fuck up before I actually hurt you.” Roxy growled. “You think Twilight and I want to have our universes frozen? You think we want to be older than most of our fellow Creators? You think we fucking want to be aware right now? Because we don’t, Max. We’re here because you need us, and we’re here to keep you from losing your fucking mind. Listen to me when I say that you need to get the fuck over yourself. Step in. Bless your Chosen with something they can actu-” I placed a finger on her lips, my eyes wide.

“Jameson.” I whispered.

She gave me a look and slowly moved my finger. “What?”

“Do you remember Jameson? His brother was Ty Tydeman, and I put them on the same planet Hug Bunny is from.”

“... Yeah, but not enough to know where you’re going with this.” Roxy said uneasily.

“I still have him. He’s not a Chosen, but he’s blessed all the same, Roxy. If I give Gauche the standard three and throw in a non-Chosen to help him along with the quest, then I’m not breaking any rules.” I said excitedly.

“... Are you sure that’s a wise thing to do?” Roxy asked doubtfully.

“Frosty, it’ll throw them off.” I said softly.

Her eyes widened. “... Where are you dropping him?”

I shook my head. “He’ll find his way wherever he needs to be.”

“... So you’re making them both go in blind, all things being said.” Roxy stated flatly.

“Iry-Hor never told any of his Chosen jack shit. You broke rules and I covered for you.” I replied sharply. “I’m not trying to set a bad example for the six hundred and sixty-three other Cap G’s, and you know why.”

She prepared to give me a look, but I met her with a look darker than the night sky and she rethought it. “Okay. Do things by the book, if that’s what you need to do.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “You think that this is going to fall through, yet you just told me to keep trying. What do you want from me, Roxanne?”

My Eve sighed pretty heavily. “... I don’t know, Max. I’m just tired right now.”

I just looked at her. I looked and resisted the urge to smack her. “I understand Roxy. You know I do.”

She gave me a little smile. “Can we get away from this for a little bit? Clear our minds and put it on the backburner?”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me. Wunt sum fuk?”

Roxy gave me a look. “I can see you misspelling the words in your head, you Neanderthal.”

I replied with a little smile we both knew took a lot of strength to muster. “Meaningful sex though.”

She returned it with a little one of her own, equivalent to mine. “I love you, Smokey.”

“I love you too, Frosty.” I said, using some old language that I’d put in the back of my mind to share my feelings. I don’t feel like writing those literal Moon Runes, so English it is.

With most of my attention diverted from watching over stuff like usual, I was able to find some manner of peace for a few passionate hours with Roxy, but I’d kept that little ball of Celestial Bronze. It was between my gum and cheek, and it was comforting to have a physical representation of my hope, as conventionally meaningless as it was. After all, what does a trinket need to be worth for it to hold value? The little nugget would have gotten passed up by just about any lowercase G, let alone the Cap G’s, but it made me feel a little less ancient all the same.

The walk back to base was pretty good, all things considered. Nobody was visibly perturbed by the heart-wrenching events that had just gone on, no one objected to the torture of a sociopathic sapiavore, and I was getting comments about how no one wanted to get on my bad side in more or fewer words almost constantly. The last part was a little annoying since I pretty much trusted everyone in the little squad with my life, despite not having known them very long. It was hard to stay wary of like-minded people who had honest eyes whenever they spoke to me, and since my gut had been feeling good all day, I wasn’t about to let a little thing like fear from some comrades bother me too much. It makes me sound like a bit of a psychopath, and to be honest?

I think I might be heading down that path…

Ever since Odysseus shoved pieces of that poor woman down my throat, I’d been feeling kind of… Off, I guess. It felt like something was going off inside constantly, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. The sensation wasn’t alien or really even mentionable since it was barely there, but it was somewhatunfamiliar, and I couldn't shake the idea that the feeling was connected to that horrid little nightmare. Of course, I didn’t really want to mention it to anyone because I didn’t want to be put down, but there was something going on and I didn’t really want to go to a Healer in Minosia since Minotaurs are stupid as fuck, so I resolved to wait until Twilight took me to Equestria with her, but that brought up another problem.

The more I thought about Twilight, the more certain I was that she would never look at me with those adorable, intelligent, naive eyes the same way ever again if she knew what Applejack had figured out from my little hints, and I hoped that her friend would keep that quiet. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would abandon me again, but for good this time around, if something about what we’d done to Odysseus got out. After those little thoughts crossed my mind, I realized that I was divided, and that what I was feeling seemed to be the halves of myself pulling away at each other.

On one hand, I knew Twilight would be disappointed in not just me, but herself if I started fucking things up for her in Equestria, which meant that I was either going to have to sacrifice the vast majority of whatever I stole in Equestria to Furladra and pray that she helped me keep my double life a secret, or I was going to have to go it straight. On the other hand, I wanted to stay in Minosia and take my title as my cadre assured me I was due to receive, to keep living the only life I’d known. The real dilemma, or rather, to put it in simpler words, was that I was afraid of going straight and I was afraid of getting worse than what I’d already proven to be just hours ago. I mean, when I look back on it now, I realize that I went from being a Twilight Stroller with dirty hands that rarely got bloody to a serial killer in the time that I’d been in Minosia, and… Well…

How does a man say that he fears himself? How does he admit that he’s afraid of what he’s becoming, even though his success is leading him to a path he wouldn’t find unjust necessarily, but darker than the one he’d previously been on? I recalled Vex’s words from so long ago, from the multiple times she’d said them to me. She’d told me that I was going to go Rimey at some point, and that the hoarfrost coating me would freeze those closest to me, but I’d thought that she’d been exaggerating. I laughed her off every time and just cited some time that Mercer had to make an example of some out-of-pocket Guildies that thought they could take over, or the time Desmond had Flint call in some favours to fuck up some Aristocunt’s ships that went out at sea because he didn’t pay the tax. At that point in time, I was already a broken sham of a man, but I didn’t want to face it because I felt fine; believed that I was perfectly okay because I’d only ended a few lives. However, the more I thought, the more I saw. I’ve mentioned that I exterminated a Brotherhood keep before, and I finally see what Vex meant. She most likely knew that she was on borrowed time since her Seal was gone when we found her. She probably suspected that I’d seek vengeance, avenge her as a son would for his mother, and I don’t doubt that she foresaw me taking down my targets…
The longer I stayed in my head, the more I felt the weight settle in on my shoulders, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t know how to shake the frost that was coating me, didn’t know how to warm my rapidly cooling heart up again, and that would have made me sad in most cases, but recognizing the cold for what it was made me numb. I couldn't think of any way to further Odysseus’ suffering for giving me the final push into being a monster. There really wasn’t a worse punishment I knew of than being String-Struck, tied into a watertight vessel, and being left to rot. My Flash Face slid itself on before I could freak or lose my mind, but I knew that I was on the brink, and I had a heavy impression that going to Equestria would be for the best. After all, why not find something more honest than thieving? I mean, I’m damn good at what I do, but I could still make offerings to Furladra through working at as a smith of some sort. An appraiser makes decent money if they’re good at what they do, and I’ve always been good at marking prices for shit since I liked to make sure I could give my Goddess her due, but it was an unattractive idea to say the least, and I honestly felt like it would be easier to just keep killing people as they needed to be killed.

Notice how I didn’t mention just being a thief. I found it incredibly unlikely that I’d be free of blood after killing Odysseus. It just wasn’t in the future, no matter how long I looked at it with my usual levels of healthy skepticism. The matter bothered me and the only person I could talk to it about was Maud, but she was missing in action at the moment, and there was no guarantee that I would see her in the coming night, which lowered my spirits a little further since I preferred to spend my sleepy time with my Mauble, but I didn’t have to let life suck for much longer because Maud somehow found us on the road back to town and joined the squad for the remainder of the journey. However, sometimes life is just made to suck eggs.

“Epidote,” Maud murmured as we entered town. “Bid Biting Wind goodbye. Give them your instructions for Odysseus’ suffering and let us leave Minosia. Soon.”

I glanced at her and tried to steady my breath. “So eager to leave?”

“Yes. Minosia holds friends for you, but-”

“Herodotus. I need to kill him before I go, Mauble.” I murmured.

“Let Kerrick mind his business and figure it out for himself. You are not safe here, and our ticket to my home will surely provide you with safe passage.”

“Hey, what are you two whispering about?” Frieda called from a decent distance away. To explain why she wasn’t nearby, Maud and I had fallen behind a little to talk. “Bedroom business can wait until we get back to base.”

I made a decision then and there, and I was leaning on Maud’s wisdom for it. “We’re not going back to base quite yet, Frieda. Go on without us, we might come back, might not for a while.”

She nodded without a problem and I was a little bewildered that she’d just given in that easily, but never look a gift Griffin in the beak or something like that. Another thing that worried me was how little I really cared about leaving Bite-Back behind, but when Maud and I turned tail, I had to ask, “How did you manage to find them?”

“I asked around for where a hooded man around your height had been seen, most likely with Odysseus. I told people that I was looking to save you and the women you were with from him, but some people were a little guarded with their information. I thought that you might appreciate bribery more than beating them senseless.” Maud monotoned, her voice carrying a slight, and I do mean minimal, amount of respect for my wishes, which would have translated to near reverence from just about any other woman, I think. “Gauche, you were not supposed to live to this day. The ambushes set for you were certain death for most people, but you survived. Not by running, as I have seen for my own eyes, but by ending all who opposed you.” She placed her hand on my arm and looked at me as we walked, letting our peripheral vision steer us away from oncoming traffic.

“... Yeah. Kinda had some time to think about that to be honest with ya.” I said casually.

Maud squeezed me a little harder and lengthed her steps to quicken us along. “Gauche, what do you want?”

“... My gut is telling me to stick to what I know, but my mind is telling me to go to Equestria. This doesn’t happen often.” In the moment, I rather hoped that my Flash Face was still on convincingly enough, but it’s not like I could know before Maud’s reply.

“Stick to what you know in Equestria. Bite-Back also has a presence there, and we can set your new life up with our connections, even with Twilight’s possible hindrance. It is unlikely that she will object to you wanting to find your own path, so…” My Mauble trailed off, which was a little unlike her, and it sounded a little unnatural to be honest.

“... What if I want to stay here?” I asked softly.

“... I would ask that you reconsider.”

I nodded a few times. “I’d rather save you the trouble. If we can keep my usual activities a secret, then I don’t believe it sounds like a bad idea.”

“Bite-Back’s presence in Equestria runs deeply enough to keep your nose clean if you do not wish to get your hands dirty with anything other than what you are comfortable with.”

“What does that mean?”

“Equestrian Bite-Back agents often live double lives to avoid being caught. A part of this double life often involves finding a partner with a like mind and finding a place to call home.” Maud blushed lightly, her cheeks turning a similar shade as her sister’s for a brief moment.

Flash Face couldn’t stop my own cheeks from warming up. “... Are you asking me to move in with you?”

“I-I am asking you to be my partner, yes.” Maud stuttered on the first word, proving that even the most emotionally inexpressive of people still have feelings.

I was on a roll for life changing decisions, so I chose the best looking option. “Okay. Let’s face this together, no?”

She gave me a smile. A smile that was actually rather noteworthy; that just so happened to carry a little bit of a familiar element to it. “That is good to hear, Gauche. I believe that between the two of us, we will change the face of Equestria for the better.”

I did my best to return her smile, and it came to me easily enough. “Here’s hoping we don’t have to keep going across the world on missions to take down dictators.”

Maud let loose a few ‘Ha’s, as dry as she could get them. “That is the job, Gauche. That is what we do, and that is the reason I am asking you to become an Equestrian friend of the fold. We will have little to do in my homeland, but there is always the option of being moved around as we please. We could go anywhere you want. With good luck, that is.”

I reached for Maud’s hand and she let me have it. “Sounds like the only thing that’s really changing is where I lay my head at the end of the day.”

“In essence, that is true, but would you not rather be with me as long as you are doing what you know best?”

“That’s true, yes, but I don’t know if I should keep doing it. I’m becoming something I don’t really want to be, Maud, if I haven’t already become it.”

“... What are you becoming?” She asked, her volume slightly muted.

I glanced down an alley, one that would lead me to a familiar place. “... Something I never really wanted to be. Maud, there are things I have to take care of before leave Minosia, and I want your help in doing them. It’s mainly one thing since I’m not exactly going to go after Priority Number One, but A Taste Of Evil still exists. I’d like to make that untrue.”

“Do you know of its location?” Maud asked, stopping me and leading me somewhere.

“Yeah, why?”
‘
She pointed out a couple of chatting guards and they took notice of her pointing. One of them rolled their eyes and the other touched his knuckles to the other’s shoulder before they turned to greet us. “Hail! What do you two need?”

Maud waited until we were nice and close to say, “We know where A Taste of Evil lies. Would you mind taking care of it so we do not have to?”

“Sounds a lot more like your problem.” One of them snorted.

His partner gave him a fucked up look. “The Captain wants that place torched, you sick cattle.” He turned to us. “Thank you citizens. Would you mind-” His partner rolled his eyes and walked away. “Fucking bribed asshole. Looks like I’ll have to rally a few friends.”

Maud looked at me. “What say you handle it, then? It does not sound like this will end well for the Guard.”

I nodded and looked at the guard. “Get some friends together and meet us at,” I pulled out a scrap of paper and wrote down the nearest shop, “The Bitch’s Brew. We’ll flush them out towards you and your people, alright? It goes down tonight so we can get these Satyrs back to Tartarus where they belong.”

“They’ve been servin’ up Satyr now? Everyone knows those guys are wimps.” The guard frowned deeply. “Ain’t no point in eatin’ one a’ them unless you’re just crazier than Odysseus.”

“Or as crazy as him. It really just depends, Bruv.” I sighed. “We’ll get the set up going, you just be prepared at ten tonight, alright?”

“Who are you to be givin’ orders?” The fellow asked suspiciously.

“I was an unwilling patron of the establishment.” I said darkly. “I’ll flush them out, you round them up.”

“Still don’t like some little meatsack tryin’ to tell me what to do.” He muttered.

“I’m not giving orders, I’m giving you the plan. See you at ten.” I gave him a nod and looked at Maud before gesturing with my head for her to follow me.

After a few minutes of walking, Maud evidently got fed up with not knowing where we were supposed to be going. “Gauche, where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere the party doesn’t stop.”

“... What is that supposed to mean?”

“Alcohol. Lots, and lots of alcohol.”

Maud didn’t get it, and she even more confused when we stopped at a shop specializing in tinctures, but the turpentine I got along with the moonshine that I got was enough to fill two bags, and those two bags were more than enough to get us well onto our way. I dragged Maud to A Taste of Evil and warned her that we were probably going to walk into a slice of Hæl again, but she told me of the time she’d punched someone’s jaw off and ripped their tongue out of their mouth, and I was pretty sure she’d be fine enough. Still, since her bag was heaviest, I made sure that she was the one who started us off by throwing a jar of moonshine at one of the grills lining the horrid place. It was a little late for the normal clientele to be in, but the staff that worked there was good enough in my books. Once Maud and I managed to set a good portion of A Taste of Evil ablaze by placing our shots well, I started looking for the captive Satyrs.

Maud told me to go in solo it since she needed to handle the few patrons that were showing up, but I really didn’t want to leave her behind, so I passed her a smoke pellet and told her to pop it when she needed to make a clean getaway. With that done, I ignored the screams of people who were ablaze, running for the exit while I went deeper into the shit-show and peeked through to the other side via a side door that was nice and ostentatious. There were some employees hiding with the Satyrs, most likely guarding them for more profits, so I made quick work of the sick fucks without killing them by giving them both a decent stab in the gut to deal with rather than worrying about what was going on in my neck of the woods.

Most of the Satyrs were chained to heavy balls that didn’t allow them to move, and they were all sluggish after being freed, which made me certain that they’d been drugged to make their escape that much more difficult. Still, I managed to shepard them out the way I entered, and when I caught up with Maud, she’d been throwing patrons out the doors in various states of health, though most of them were either burned or unconscious. Maud herself had taken a shallow stab to her breast and was bearing it with a straight face, though I didn’t doubt that it had hurt going in. The Minotaur guards could be heard closing in, so I got us moving without further ado since we’d fucked most of those guys up, and a good number of them were dead anyways inside.

Once we were on the road again, Maud waited until Twilight’s temporary lodgings were in sight to tell me that she needed to go get her rock collection and not to wait for her to come back until dawn, so I bid her farewell for the time being and went to see the witch, the bitch, and Maud’s bubbly sister, who I didn’t have a rhyming word for. I knew which room they were in, but it was awfully dark because it was the middle of the fucking night. And I was willing to bet that they just wanted the day to be over. When I entered through their window and didn't hear any of them wake up, I assumed that’s what it was and sat down underneath the sill because I’d had a long day and long night.

I must have nodded off, because I never heard the man enter the room. I never heard him sit next to me, but I did hear him say, “Garrison Varas… Born with Wind in your heart,” from nearby. In some form of pseudo-lucidity, I understood the man as he spoke, but was unable to look at him or speak to him, though his voice was comforting. “You possess the Magicks of the wind, my son. You harness its strength passively through the Ill Winds, but you do not know how to use them. You will learn in time, and you will learn to spread the Wind as you feel it. You are a smart man, Garrison. You have always had to be.”

The voice stopped speaking and I immediately whipped my head to the right, where it had been coming from, but there was nothing other than a note on the floor. As if the odd voice and it’s news hadn’t been strange enough, then the note was even more so. All it said was ‘It’s not just in your gut.’, which was odd because there was nothing in my gut at the moment, and that couldn't be rectified at the moment, so I settled in for a hungry night while waiting for Maud, wondering which God had finally come to call after all my time of praying to them. I folded my hands and prayed to Furladra for a moment because shit was just odd and it made me feel odd, but there was something making my stomach feel funny, and it wasn’t the mild hunger pangs. I stopped murmuring under my breath for a couple of seconds before picking it up again, restarting the prayer, but I knew that something was going on, and I wasn’t sure what it was.

Well, I wasn’t until someone stepped on my bloody head.

“Ah!” A distinctly female voice cried, fucking my neck up a little before landing in my lap. “Who the-”

A non-oil lamp flicked on and so did another, and soon the person in my lap was trying to get back out of the window. I had her by the foot since she had to clamber over me to do it, so I got my balance and yanked her back. “Fuckin’ oi! Who taught you to step on a man’s head!?”

The would be assailant flipped over onto her back, but I couldn’t see her face since she was pulling her hood down while kicking at me. “Lemme go, you looney!” She cried loudly.

I caught her other foot and threw her legs to the side before mounting her quickly. The little minx managed to get onto her stomach before I could get her cowl, but when I did, I paused. “Human…”

“What the bloody Hæl did you expect, a donkey!?” She groused angrily. “I didn’t do anything, I just got the wrong room! Lemme go!”

I sat low on her hips so she wasn’t going anywhere, though I had to take notice of the thing slightly below her hips since it was round and firm enough to let me know it was there. In other words, she had a great arse and it was distracting. “How’s the ale, Guttersnipe?”

She froze and turned to look at me slowly, propping herself up on her elbows. “... Pale, stale, and hoppy. How’s the food, Stickum?”

“... Mealy, bland, and hard. Heya, Sis.”

“Hullo, Bro. Mind gettin’ off my arse?” She asked stiffly.

I backed off as our audience circled us. “Gauche, what’s going on?” Twilight asked blearily.

“We just found a friend of mine by complete accident. Cast any spells lately, Twilight?” I asked drily.

“Spells? You consortin’ with witches and Dæmon-slaves? A Varas?” My Guildie asked.

“How’d you know I was a Varas?” I asked sharply.

The woman’s head didn’t turn toward the window, but her eyes did. “How’s the porridge?”

“Sweet, warm, and if you want it, you can have some honey.” I answered kindly, recognizing her as another Varas, though she definitely wasn’t an Avalesch Varas.

“Why do y’all keep talkin’ about food?” Applejack asked irritably. “And what time is it?”

“We’re making confirmations. We’ll take it somewhere else. Come on, Sis. I’m sure you’ve got some questions.” I said, offering her a coin from my pouch.

She took it and rolled it with her knuckles flawlessly before pocketing it. “Price of using an extra-Avalesch shill.”

“It’s a drach, and look at these three for all of two seconds.” I replied, gesturing toward the Mares.

She licked her lips. “... Knew it wasn’t just the Minotaurs. Gauche… You’re Gauche Suede, Vex’s right hand, right?”

I nodded and inspected my fellow Varas’ appearance. She wasn’t an Avalesch since her hair was bright red, telling me that she was most likely from Gerritt, or if she was showing up here, on a different fucking planet, Amestris, which, as unlikely as it was supposed to be, didn’t strike me as impossible. “You know me, but I don’t know you. What’s your sling?”

“... Dippy.” She murmured apprehensively.

I slid on my Flash Face immediately. “Dippy. Let’s go parlay for a moment. We’ll take it to opens, no blade-fingering.”

“What?” Applejack asked.

‘Dippy’ answered for me. “We’re taking it outside and we’re just going to talk, no need for knives.”

“Wait, do you two know each other?” Twilight asked excitedly.

“I know of Gauche, but I don’t know him.” ‘Dippy’ passed me a furtive, respectful nod that was pretty much the Guild equivalent of ‘Bud, you’re stories are legends.’ when used in context. “The guy’s been around the Guild for too long for me to have not seen him at least once.”

“What Guild?” The three mares asked at once.

“Don’t worry about it right now. The Guild was just a place for me and my friends to bring some extra friends to discuss business and moves we should make. Stuff to keep our heads above water and all that.” I answered quickly. “Dippy, is that right?”

She nodded and looked at Applejack. “I was one of Desmond’s friends, one of his Gadai. He taught me a lot and usually told me about what Gauche got accomplished for the night since he was practically a doting father.”

“What happened to your actual Pops?” Applejack asked.

I exchanged a look with ‘Dippy and we both looked at her like she was stupid for a second, but I spoke first. “‘Dippy’ was implying that Desmond was like a father to me since I don’t know mine. Never did, still don’t want to.”

“Ah. Sorry.” She said abashedly.

“Don’t worry about it.” I gestured with my head for Dippy to head toward the door.

She held up the coin she had pocketed. “Are you going to want this back?”

I pulled out another one and handed it to her, the old Guild sign for, ‘You’re safe with me.’. “I don’t. I’m sure you could use the extra scratch though.”

‘Dippy’ nodded. “Let’s go, then.”

She exited the room and I followed shortly after before leading us down to the tavern below. There were a few farmers who had comes for drinks, so I got ‘Dippy’ and myself a couple of mugs of the decent Equestrian ale that was more expensive rather than the shitty Minosian ale that left your stomach sour and your mouth dry. Dippy and I also got some food, but there was no meat, and the stock was made from salt, water, and boiled tuber, so it was more of a chowder since starch had been added to thicken it up. I paid for the drinks and the meal, and then for a second one for each of us since ‘Dippy’ scraped her bowl clean and went at it again with some bread. She blushed when I got the second helping, but I just pushed my cowl back and gave her an easygoing smile.

“So why don’t we start with you telling me your real name, Lover?” I asked. “Or your actual sling. We both know you’re not Rosaline,  you’re aware of the fact that I’m a Varas, and you know I’m Garrison. If there’s anyone you can trust from our circle, it’d be either me or Desmond.”

‘Dippy’ bit her lip. “... My real sling is Raspberry.”

I raised my chin at her. “Oletko varjoinen tytär?”

She leveled a look at me. “How did you know I wasn’t Dippy?”

“Dippy was a brunette, and her arse was as flat as a hotcake.”

“... Minä olen tulipalo.” Ladesa answered.

I stopped my jaw from dropping and cocked my head to the side. “Heya, Big Sis. Wasn’t expecting to see you before Desmond put me in charge.”

She gave me a tight smile. “That’s the only reason I told you the sling. You were the most likely guy to take up his place.”

“So what’s stopping me from assuming you’re lying?” I asked amusedly.

“Nothing other than the fact that you know I’m not. I told you the right sling and I answered you in Varic-”

“What did we say?”

She flashed me a dark look. “You asked if I was a shadowy daughter, not the Shadowy Daughter. You were trying to trip me up.”

“And yet you still gave the right answer. Why?”

“I am not a patient woman.” Ladesa huffed.

I chuckled and stirred a spoon through the decent potato soup that the waiter had brought for the second meal. “Can’t believe it’s really you. It’s an honor, Big Sis. It really is.”

“Pfft.” She snorted. “The way Mum talks, you’re the favourite right now. I mean, yeah, I did everything you’ve done and more but no~o the mortal gets all the credit.” Ladesa grumbled like an irritable child. It didn’t help that she had a soprano and her voice was already rather stubborn-sounding to begin with, like she was a Spitfyre ready to bite someone’s head off.

I gave her a confused look. “I knew I had Furladra’s favour, but surely she prefers you over me?”

Ladesa gave me a look. “Would I be stripped of my Voima if she did? The woman cast me from the Heavens when she got tired of me and started looking for something new. Shouldn't have been surprised. It’s not like my first life amounted to all that much.” She glared at her food and started eating again.

“So you’re stuck is what you’re saying?”

“I’m guessing that we were supposed to meet up as some sort of part of her grand plan or whatever. I don’t even care, but it’s not like I can go against her without her fucking my life up…” She sighed wearily.

“Oi, I’m sure that if we start producing for her, the blessings will come rolling in and she’ll favour you again.” I assured her.

“That.” Ladesa pointed at me. “That shit right there. That unwavering faith of yours is why she bloody likes you so much. All she’d have to do is whisper to you once and you’d dip your face into a pot of her piss.”

I frowned at her. “This piss-pot boy just bought you a meal out of the kindness of his heart. I wouldn’t be so quick to forget that we’re both Varas here.”

She blushed and glowered at the table. “What good’s being a Varas here? All we ever do is steal, Gauche-”

“Then give your toll to Furladra and pinch your profits for some orphans like I do.” I said simply.

“... You cut your profits after the toll for that? I heard the rumours, but I thought they were just that...”.

I gave her a confused look. “Orphanages always need money, Raspberry. I know you grew up with Furladra, but don’t tell me you never thought to do some good with what you managed to stack up over the years.”

“... Why would a thief give more away than he has to?” Ladesa asked, bewildered.

“... Why would a thief keep everything if he doesn’t want to just sit on useless money? I mean, I could’ve bought my way into the King’s Court, but why? I could’ve built a nice house in the countryside, but that’s for later on in life. I could’ve bought a lot of better gear, but Daelus could only come up with so much at a time, and I didn’t need better armour if I wasn’t getting attacked. Hæl, if you know much about me, then you know I came from Maric, and you know that Terabithia was a real Hælhole. Places like that need help more than anywhere else, and they need money to get those kids food and medicine since the fucking Aristocunts want to keep having bastards and not take them in. So yeah, I gave my shillings away to people who needed them more.”

“... Holy shit… So that’s why Mum likes you. You give back when you don’t have to!” Ladesa groaned loudly, moving her bowl so she could bounce her pretty little head off of the table a few times. “Ugh! Why do I have to be generous and shit to be liked?”

“Just give it a shot, Raspberry.” I said quietly. “See a Many-Mammy-Mummy’s eyes light up when you put a pouch of coins in her hands. Watch those kids jump for joy when you tell them that they’re getting something other than porridge for dinner. See ‘em twirl and show off when you buy ‘em a new tunic or some breeches. Hæl, hit a big score and you can probably get most of them new shoes, and drum up business for a cobbler. You put more in, you get more out. Haven’t you ever read the Alchemical Philosophies?”

She gave me a sour look. “I’m a thief, Gauche. I might know how to read since I’m fuckin’ old, but I’d rather be out stealin’ than readin’.”

“Just try giving to those who actually need it every once in awhile. I mean, haven’t my offerings to you been decent?”

“... I just get to see them, Garrison. I don’t get to hold them.” She said, pouting like a much younger woman, and I found it rather endearing since she’d pretty much just been acting like she’d just hit her twenties, give or take a year for range. It was clear that she wasn’t mad at me per she, but she was pretty much just venting anyway.

“So I’ll find some new non-Daemonic Magic stuff that will make you doubt all of my previous offerings’ true value, and you will have first pick. I’ve managed to send Furladra her half of my profit-”

“Wait, no. Stop.” Ladesa raised her head and her hands simultaneously, :You give her how much?”

“Half.” I answered honestly.

“... No shit you’re the favourite! Quit fucking up the curve!”

“... Sorry?”

Her face flushed and she balled her fists up. “Do you even realize how-” Ladesa made a sound of which when transcribed sounds something like, “Urgghaar! Ya fucklesnatcha!”

The eight hundred year-old Demi-Goddess garnered a lot of attention for her outburst, and then a lot more chuckles once people started repeating what she said. I heard “Lil’ fucklesnatcha!” more than a few times times in half-drunk jeers while Ladesa’s face grew hotter. I was very tempted to take a jab at her, but for one, I’m not one to bully a person who’s done me no wrong; especially not a fellow Varas. Two, Voimaton or not, Ladesa was still a Demi-Goddess, and I owed her the respect she deserved, even if she did act like she’d barely popped her cherry a day ago. Three? She was already dying of embarrassment, and I’m a sucker for a cute girl. The blush was absolutely harrowing.

“Ladesa, ignore the fools. You’re above that shit, no?” I asked, giving her a challenge to face.
Like with most hotheads, it panned out decently. “You damn right, but who likes gettin’ fuckin’ laughed at?”

“No one, but we were havin’ a chat, yeah?”

She took a breath and said, “What the fuck is up here, Gauche? What’s the deal?”

Uh… Hmm… I could go over the exhausting conversation I had with Ladesa about every little detail of what I’d done since I’d gotten to Minosia and what we were going to do, or I could just pick up with Ladesa asking, “So you’re going to Hæl, and you’re well aware of that, right?”

I gave her a half-drunk look because I’d had a few. In my defense, I don’t really drink, but life sucked upon this day with the intent to swallow the yolk without breaking the egg itself. “Prolly. I duh’wanna go ta Hæl, but Imma goin’.”

“In fairness, I’m going too. It’s everyone in the Guild and more, Garrison.” Ladesa sighed. “Let’s get a room and have you sleep it off, you jackass.”

I left the rest of my pint and went to stand, wobbling a little before I got my balance. Being a lightweight had never really been a good thing for me besides on those lonely nights, but I generally try to stay away from anything too strong. I was good to walk on my own, however, but buying a room was easier said than done since the innkeeper wanted to haggle with me. I threatened to fuck him because I could and Ladesa stepped in and apologized for my drunken attitude, citing the fact that we only had so many coins for a room, which worked better than my way. Damn girls, having the advantage of being cute and shit.

Ladesa lead me to our room and shoved me onto my bed, not really caring about the effort she put into it. She was a small woman, but I wasn’t really balanced and I couldn’t have cared much less anyway. When I laid down for the night, I thought of Maud and wondered if she knew where I was, but I was pretty sure that I’d locked eyes with her before starting in on my second drink. I could have been mistaken, but still. I had a little more on my mind to deal with, like how a fucking Demi-Goddess managed to find her way to me out of nowhere. It honestly made no sense to me in the slightest, but it was something I had to figure out. Was Furladra telling me to redeem her daughter, or was she asking me to start the Guild anew in a land ripe for the plucking? I could only pray and hope for an answer, but the Gods only speak so often.

The alcohol helped clear my mind of any deeper thoughts, and for that, I was thankful. With a bleary mind and an uneasy stomach, I drifted off into restless slumber.