//------------------------------// // Fake It 'Til You Make It // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// I rushed into the building.  Trixie and Daring were there, having called me about the impending childbirth. I cut my eyes between the two of them.  “Uh...should we be going to the hospital or something?” Neither one of them looked pregnant.  Neither one of them had ever looked pregnant, which had always made me question which one of them would be having the kid. Trixie was holding the weird chunk of basalt wrapped in electronics that controlled the universe.  “Dad...I know you wanted to be here, and I appreciate that, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” “You called me.” She nodded.  “Right, but I wanted you to know what was going to happen before you committed.” “It’s a baby being born.  It’ll be disgusting, but you know I would do anything for you.” Trixie smiled uncomfortably, but genuinely.  “Remember that.” She hit the button. The three of us went to another world.  I knew that because of the distinctive going-to-another-world magic I’d experienced so many times before.  I found myself staring at a sterile white ceiling. Then, abdominal pain. I looked down.  “What the hell!?” Trixie and Daring, both stallions, flanked a doctor who seemed very interested in my groin, though it was hard to see him over the swell of my very large belly. Well, I guess that answered one question, and posed a shitload more. “Would you have wanted us to tell you?” Trixie asked. “No, I guess not,” I said through grit teeth, squeezing my eyes shut.  “But still. Damn.  Valiantina’s going to be pissed.” I was going to have to bribe her so hard at the next council of Valiants meeting. “Okay, I think one final push will do it,” said the doctor. I did. Jesus Christ. Ironically, as it would turn out, it wasn’t Jesus Christ at all. The baby born, Trixie snapped us back to our own dimension.  Understandably, my legs were a little shaky and I did a quick check to verify that everything was back in place. Touching my junk in front of my daughter and her lover was not what I’d planned to do, though, and it was only then that I realized I was holding the kid, wrapped in a hospital blanket. Valiantina was really going to be pissed.  From that universe’s perspective, we’d just teleported in, snatched the baby, and left.  Then again, I guess that depended on whether she wanted it or not. I did think a little about how the insemination might have been done, but strongly corrected myself with a shake of my head.  That way lay madness. To distract myself, I pulled back the cloth over the kid’s face.  It was a colt, black in color with a red mane. When he opened his eyes, they were green and featured slit pupils. All of that would have gotten my attention, but what really opened my eyes was the aura of palpable evil surrounding him. “You!” I shouted. Despite being a newborn foal, he grinned, showing his fangs, and said, “Did you miss me?” “Uh, dad?” said Trixie. I glanced at her, and back to the kid.  I knew ponies couldn’t see this brand of demon - we’d been through this before.  This guy had been called many things in the past; the King in Yellow; He Who Walks Alongside; Taz; Talalot the Vile; Harbinger of the Fourth Syzygy, Rainbow Catcher. I’d given birth to the antichrist, but I’d be damned if I let him smirk at me like that. I turned him over and spanked him.  “This is what you do to newborns, right?” “Uh…” Trixie and Daring stared. “It’s okay.”  I explained about the demon.  Trixie already knew most of it.  It was new to Daring. Neither one of them was pleased. “But what can he really do?” Trixie asked. “Not much, for now,” I said.  “But who knows later on? Thank God we only got an earth pony.” “You aren’t thinking of killing him?” Trixie asked. “Well, I will if you want me to,” I said.  “At the same time, I just started a school for friendship and Twilight would be really displeased if I murdered my own grandson.” I sighed and changed the subject to improve my mood.  “How about a name?” “What were you thinking?” Daring asked. I stared at the kid.  He still grinned, challenging me.  “Something really gay,” I said. Trixie frowned briefly, but said, “Like what?” “Fizzlepop Berrytwist,” I decided. The kid sighed and rolled his eyes. Daring said, “I thought you said really gay.” “It’s gay to me.  If you really want, I can get Sir Win in here to certify it.”  I tickled the colt’s nose. “Isn’t that right, Fizzy?” “I will eat your soul,” he replied. “Not if I eat yours first.” Cordoba came into the room.  “What’s that demon doing here?” You’re damn right I built my robots with demon-sensing technology. “This is apparently your nephew,” I said.  “But to the point of being a demon, I’m glad you’re here.  I need my personal Jesus. Cordoba, enter Jesus mode.” “It’s Jesús.” “Fine, I need my personal Jesús.”  Which sounds illegal, by the way. Cordoba shifted modes, which didn’t look like much from the outside.  Jesus mode was not literal Jesus. He wouldn’t come Equestria, at least not if he knew what was good for him.  But it provided a little extra boost of holyity. Holiness. Whatever. It maybe made her a little extra smitey, too. Still, though, her attitude kind of put me to mind of how Joseph must have felt when dealing with a rambunctious teenage Jesus.  God may be your father, kid, but he ain’t your daddy. A call rang in my earpiece and I tapped the answer button. “My sensors show that Cordoba just went into Jesus mode,” said Sunset.  “What’s happening?” “That asshole Rainbow Catcher demon kid got reincarnated into our grandchild,” I said. Sunset said something very unladylike.  “Well, you know I can’t drop everything and get home, especially now that I know that.” “I understand.” She signed off and I turned back to Fizzy.  “Look at that, not even ten minutes old and you’re already getting disowned.” “You know that doesn’t bother me, right?  In fact, I might call it a goal.” “I know, but tricking you into explaining menial things does annoy you.” His ever-present impudent grin faltered briefly.  Gotcha, asshole. “What services do you require of Jesús?” Cordoba asked. “Here.”  I handed Fizzy over.  “Babysit.” Cordoba blinked. “Five bits a day,” I said. She grumbled, but didn’t refuse. That problem not taken care of but at least put on hold for a while, I turned and went to do school shit.  Demons being babies does not absolve one of their teaching submarine. Down at the yards, the vessel was slowly nearing completion.  The hull was ready, the classrooms were put together, and really all we had left to do was outfit with furniture and the little things like pencils. Sir Win was active in the project, because it required interior design and Rarity was off at some fashion show.  He was just finishing up a sketch of the decoration for the art room when I walked in. I glanced over his shoulder.  “That looks pretty gay.” He considered it.  “So it does.” He took out a stamp and marked the paper Certified Gay. You guys thought I was kidding about him certifying things like that. I took a walk through the engineering spaces.  This was supposed to be a no-student area, but maybe we could repurpose for some on-the-job training or mechanical classes or something.  Of course, I also knew that students would find a way to go places they shouldn’t, so I also had to take into account shit like safety and not having sharp corners on things. I also did a careful sweep for any attempts to derail my plans.  I was still thinking about the Equestria Education Association and that asshole Chancellor Neighsay. Good thing, too.  I found a bomb. I called Neighsay.  I’d sent him a phone so I could.  He didn’t know that, though, so it took a few minutes for him to find it in his mail and figure out how to answer. “I found your sabotage, asshole,” I said. “What?” “This is Plymouth Valiant, principal of the school ship USS In Need of Beaning.  I was just walking through the engine room and found a little bomb tucked up next to one of the propulsion motors.” “What makes you think it was the EEA?” he said, smugness dripping. “I can’t stand it, I know you planned it.  I’m tellin’ y’all, it’s sabotage.” “Try again, but with correct grammar this time.” “You tell the Beastie Boys that.”  I hung up on him. I went to find the teachers so we could have a meeting.  Perhaps it was telling about this whole project that I found them at the bar.  No, probably not. It was just a really convenient meeting place in the pub’s back room. “Where’s Rarity?” I asked. “Rarity is at a fashion show,” said Twilight. “Where’s Fluttershy?” “She’s filling in for Rarity at her Manehattan shop,” Twilight explained. “Fluttershy, selling fashion?”  I thought about it. “Eh, doesn’t sound difficult.  Fashion is just like painting or wine tasting. It’s not difficult at all because it’s bullshit and you tell rich people what they should want.” I looked around the room.  “Where’s Pinkie?” “It’s pie season, apparently.” “Applejack?” “Apples-for-pies season, apparently.” “So it’s just you two?” Rainbow and Twilight nodded. I sighed.  “Well, there isn’t a lot we can do here.  Fluttershy is probably freaking out right now.  Twilight, that might be a good friendship lesson for you.  We should go to Manehattan and sort it out.” So we hopped on Tin Mare and headed north. Libby, still folded up in the back, asked, “Close air support when?” “Well, considering we’re going to deal with a fashion crisis, probably soon.” Speaking of fashion, arriving in the middle of the street aboard a seventeen ton death machine instantly makes one just about the most eye-catching guy around. I swaggered into the shop, wearing my auto-darkening sunglasses.  Fluttershy was posted in the corner while the flower ponies - Daisy, Lily, and Rose - did her bidding as her slaves.  Each of the three of them were outfitted in stereotypical outfits of a bitch prude, a daft valley girl, and an emo kid.  Also, there were raccoons serving tea. I looked around.  “What’s going on here?” One of the racoons started miming, doing up hairstyles and waving his little hands around.  I kind of wished Spike was here. He was pretty good at reading raccoon interpretive hairstyles, for some reason. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash in this new universe was a hairdresser.  “Something about Rarity asking Fluttershy to watch the boutique and there were costumes?” “She decided to have her slaves play dress up instead of hosting a comic con?” “I know, right?  I don’t get it either.”  Rainbow shook her head. Lily, wearing fake glasses and her mane up in a bun, was explaining to a customer about a dress, “It’s an unique play on the old standard.  We call it a Rarity cut with a triple-cut stitched hem and a guacamole chevka pattern fabric.” “Don’t you mean ‘chevron?’” the customer asked. “If I had meant ‘chevron’ then that’s what I would’ve said,” Lily replied, putting a little heat on it. Sunset liked chevrons, I remembered.  Also, damn Fluttershy, rein in these girls a little. We walked over to talk with Fluttershy directly.  She seemed to have things under control. “As Rarity taught me, the shop is fairly easy to track.  The store is divided into sections: chic, classic, modern, sophisticated, avant-garde, traditional, and obtuse.  Each section is divided by season, color, and price. It's a classic SCP system. Once you have the item, then you just ring the customer up.” She went on to explain how she’d had Lily turn into a severe matron character, Daisy play a vapid preppy girl, and Roseluck act like a life-hating goth-dresser. “Also,” Fluttershy explained, “The racoons living here are actually tanukis pretending to be racoons because nonsapient animals don't have to pay Manehattan's punishing municipal income taxes.” “But most animals in Equestria are sapient,” Twilight said. “And Manehattan found a way to tax them,” Fluttershy said. I shook my head.  “Wait, what did you mean by ‘SCP system?’” “I don’t know.  Rarity said it, and I didn’t think to ask.” I guess we’d have to catch up with her later. We loaded up and headed back for Ponyville.  On the way, Rainbow lit up a cigarette. “Put that out,” said Tin Mare. “Jeeze, all right.”  Rainbow dropped it on the metal floor and ground it out with her hoof. “I didn’t know you smoked,” I said. “You didn’t think my voice just naturally sounded like this, did you?” she said. “Can you manipulate smoke like clouds?” “That’s one of the bonuses,” Rainbow confirmed. We got back to Ponyville and unloaded.  I looked around. “The cigarette reminded me.  I should get some cigars to pass out, considering Trixie and Daring had their kid.” Twilight and Rainbow congratulated me.  I left out the part where it used to be Rainbow’s kid.  I would tell Twilight later. I said, “While you’re here and while I’m on a roll naming things like that kid, I guess maybe you can help me with naming some other things that need names.  Like that new theater we built but still haven’t dedicated. The ‘Trixie’s Virginity Memorial Cultural Center’ is too random and meaningless.” “Is this going to take very long?” Rainbow asked.  “There are ponies who need their manes done.” “Fine,” I said.  “I’ll just pick something out of a hat.  It’s not like it could be any worse.” Anyway, that’s how we ended up with the Richard Nixon Multipurpose Community Auditorium.