//------------------------------// // Critical Success // Story: The Rock in the Gulch // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// "Alright, now let's just find..." Church began, only for his voice to trail off as he took in his surroundings. They stood on a snow-covered hill overlooking a snowy plain, nothing but snow and ice in all directions for as far as the eye could see, and only Grif for company. "Where is everybody? How did we get separated?" "I don't think that's the most important question," Grif pointed out flatly. "You're right," Church agreed. "Where are we? And what is this place?" "Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of, 'What do we do about the gun-toting heavy coming up behind us'," Grif pointed out as a large, white-armored troop came up behind them, "but yours are good, too." "Freeze!" the troop bellowed in an angry voice. "Drop your weapons!" "Uh oh," Church murmured as he started to turn. "I said freeze-" "Could you point that thing somewhere else?" Grif demanded irritably. "It's bad enough having idiots point guns at me when they're only loaded with training rounds. Live ammo just makes me...irritable." The larger troop stared at Grif for a time...and lowered his weapon. "Oh gosh, you're a Freelancer," he gasped out in fear. "Please don't kill me." Grif stared for a time, glad his helmet hid his expression, as he was completely stupefied. He rallied gamely, however. "I'll think about it," he offered flatly, trying consciously to imitate Texas and Maud's manner of speaking. "So, uh, which Agent are you?" the troop asked nervously. "I don't recognize the-" "Do you really need that information?" Grif asked coldly, idly shifting his grip on his weapon. "N-no sir!" the troop answered immediately. "I'll just...let you go about your business, sir!" With that, he turned and raced off to a nearby base. Grif waited until the troop was out of hearing range. "Church?" "Yeah, Grif?" "Do me a favor and suggest Tucker challenge me to Poker," Grif observed calmly. "That felt...amazing." "So what are you doing?" Tucker asked as he watched Simmons kneeling beside one of the green energy fields, having pulled open a panel and messing with some of the wires. "If I can get these wires properly connected, I should be able to boost the signal for our communications gear so we can contact the others, wherever they are, and then we can coordinate to try and find our way back together and hunt down Omega, Lopez, and Doc," Simmons explained calmly. "It's just...taking a little while to figure this stuff out, since it's outside my areas of expertise." "Wanna get drunk first?" Tucker offered helpfully. "That seems to make science easier for you, and I swiped some of Grif's mine-booze before we left in case we encountered some pliable ladies along the way." "Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather not see what sort of weapon I came up with messing with technology that folds space-time, assuming these are teleportation grids and not disintegration fields." Simmons carefully split a few wires before binding them together differently. "After seeing what I did with 'love and cuddles', I'd prefer my communications device not try and send my brain into the person I'm calling, or generate black holes...or who knows what else could happen." "...yeah, that's a good idea," Tucker agreed. "At least, as long as I'm in the line of fire." "Okay, I think I've got it-" Simmons began, only to blink in shock as the energy field shifted to show a scene of absolute carnage. Red and Blue troops were scattered about, groaning in pain as their bodies were twisted in anatomically improbable manners, their limbs askew as their heads were shoved up their own asses, their weapons sharpened and used to sodomize them as they groaned or screamed in agony. Standing over them, Sarge was cricking his knuckles. "And what have we learned, kiddies?" he demanded harshly. "I can taste pain!" one of the fallen troops screamed out. "I think I swallowed my own colon..." another groaned out. "My shit does stink..." a third whimpered. "No matter what my mother said about it, it really can bend that way with enough force and determination," Caboose spoke up in awed excitement. "I'm surrounded by idiots who can't take a single hint!" Sarge snapped angrily before turning and kicking one of the fallen troops repeatedly in the testicles, making them cry out. "WHAT! DID! YOU! LEARN!?" "Ponies are awesome and the love of them turns you into unstoppable killing machines!" that troop screamed out as he cried. "Well what do you know, one of you actually does have a brain!" Sarge declared proudly. "Or at least a few brain cells!" "Can I please have my dignity back?" the 'smart' troop whimpered. "Sorry, no refunds!" Sarge declared firmly. "Just let us die!" another troop wailed out. "I still have no idea why you all don't stay dead," Sarge observed calmly, "but rest assured...I'm working on it!" Screams of terror and agony greeted that statement. "Ah, don't you just love when the common masses are so supportive of the scientific method?" Simmons stared in pants-wetting terror. "...why don't we see if we can find Church and Grif first?" he offered lamely. "Works for me," Tucker agreed quickly. "Oh, I didn't do most of this," Sarge said as he turned to Simmons. "Most of this was Caboose, actually. He really got into it, especially when one of these guys made unflattering comments about his sisters-" "Nobody touches my girls!" Caboose suddenly roared out in an angry voice as he hefted one of the fallen troops and proceeded to use them to bludgeon another one into submission. "I'm sorry!" the bludgeoned troop screamed out in pain. "I didn't mean it! Please bludgeon me with someone else, Balls_Deep69 stinks to high heaven!" "It's Klein!" the other troop snapped angrily. "Shut up!" Caboose snapped before punching 'Klein' hard enough in the faceplate to send him into a triple flip and leave him embedded in a distant wall. "So, how about getting us out of here to wherever you're at before Caboose figures out how to actually kill these guys?" Sarge asked hopefully. He leaned in close. "Don't tell any Blues," he whispered, "but with how he is now, I'm honestly scared of what he'd be like if he actually got blood on his hands." "And...done!" Simmons declared firmly. "Just hop in your teleporter and you should end up here with us." "...us?" Sarge asked carefully. "What us?" "...Tucker's here too," Simmons explained. "Maud damn it!"