The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Under Lock-Heart and Trick-Key

Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" to ensure that brightly colored text is legible. Thank you.

Those that show and tell without doing, tend to get whiplash.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, J. K. Rowling, and Heyday Films.
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I swear Houdini is rolling in his grave.

Street performers, Broadway magic acts, self-proclaimed "greatest"... If there's one thing the entertainment business tends to eat up, it's a good magic act.

But some let the act get to their heads and can't hold their own when an actual crisis occurs.

We have Gilderoy Lockhart, from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

... and Trixie from the Friendship is Magic series. He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Gilderoy Lockhart
-Half-blood wizard, author, and painter
-Appeared in Book/Movie 2
-Served as Hogwarts professor in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class (1992-1993 school year)
-House: Ravenclaw
-Earned many awards including a "Most Charming Smile Award" five times
-Favorite color: lilac
-Wand type: a nine-inch cherry wood with dragon heartstring
-Allegedly knows the disarming spell (Expelliarmus) and definitely knows the memory erasing spell (Obliviate)
-Actually stole memories away from the people that did the heroic acts, and then promptly claimed credit to himself
-Accidentally erased all of his own memories after casting with Ron Weasley's broken wand

Psychoanalysts describe the ego as the part of the mind that rests between the conscious and the unconscious. It is responsible for testing the limits of reality and how an individual identifies himself. It is both powerful and fragile, kind of a glass cannon in the dimension of thought.

So it's the part that tells you you're the greatest man on Earth but also the part that feels pain whenever it is told a "your mama" joke.

It is important to master one's own ego to ensure that you remember your worth, but also not to forget to ground yourself in what is feasible.

Tell that to Gilderoy Lockhart. The dude's got his head so far up his rear that he could probably end up digesting his food twice every meal.

While there are several magical feats to be proud of when sharing the world with Harry Potter, Lockhart probably takes pride a little too far. He's gone so far as to write entire novels simply describing how great he is.

The only impressive thing I can find about him is how his wand is somehow made of cherry wood and string made of a dragon's heart.

B, it's not made from a dragon's heart. It's... um... Actually, I don't know from what part of a dragon the string is made.

And in a world where the wand chooses its wizard, that wand chose a guy that basically faded into obscurity as soon as Movie Number Three came out? Talk about desperate tools.

That's not to say he doesn't know any magic. In fact, he perfected his own memory charm, Obliviate. With this spell, he can practically wipe away the memories of a target that he focuses on to the point where they only remember basic language and bodily function.

I guess he did teach one class that Harry and his friends attended, but Lockhart only accepted the position because he thought teaching The Boy Who Lived would raise his fame even more by association.

Still, his pride in claiming credit for so many heroic feats over the years has led to forgetting to learn proper defensive techniques. When bad situations arise, even those he caused himself, his first instinct is to hide under a desk until the incident blows over.

Speaking of those feats, he didn't actually do any of them. He just witnessed other, better wizards do them... and then struck them with a quick Obfuscate so they couldn't testify against him.

Obliviate.

That's what I said: Eviscerate.

But karma has a funny way of taking care of those that overestimate themselves. In Gilderoy's case, he found himself trapped in the Chamber of Secrets for a short time along with Harry and Ron. In an attempt to save face, he stole Ron's wand and cast his memory charm. What he didn't realize was that Ron's wand was broken at the time and the spell backfired, erasing Lockhart's memory and everything he knew about himself and the world of magic.

And to make things more on the nose, the last book he ever wrote in his career was titled Who Am I after being taken into a magic hospital.

"Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... me!"

Trixie
-Unicorn; self-proclaimed "The Great and Powerful Trixie"
-First appeared in S1E6
-Started out as a traveling performer
-Ended up working on a rock farm
-Purchased a shady artifact "Alicorn Amulet" that corrupted her to be evil
-First met Starlight Glimmer during a visit to the spa; subsequently became her first friend made naturally without season premiere/finale intervention
-Was one of the four that entered the changeling hive and aimed to defeat Chrysalis (but was also the second to get captured and immobilized)
-Her magic is best showcased as a spectacle and eye-candy; less experience in actual application
-Tools: fireworks, smoke bombs, and a rope
-Spells: levitation, transfiguration (specifically teacups and flowers), teleportation (doesn't always work when desired; destinations that she immediately forgets)

The world of Equestria is populated by many creatures, but mostly ponies. A large portion of those ponies are capable of accessing a pool of magic to manipulate the world around them. Earth ponies can speed up natural plant growth without any perceived drawbacks, pegasi can walk on clouds and manipulate weather, and unicorns can at the very least, make lights and lift small objects.

So why are so many ponies impressed by a street performer that essentially does what any unicorn can do but to a weaker degree?

I suppose the writers had to introduce a less than wholesome unicorn character some way. Enter Trixie, the so-called "Great and Powerful".

This isn't the first time we've pulled Trixie into a deathly duel, and chances are that this won't be the last.

There have been a few changes since her previous appearances. While she still focuses mainly on magic that's eye-catching to look at on a stage, she has started to tap into the potential of magic meant for practical and even minor combat use.

But can she create life like Twilight Sparkle can?

Well, kind of, but...

An abomination that looks like a cross between a teapot body and a poodle's legs and tail scurries around while barking.

Augh! Kill it! Kill it with buckshot! *pumps shotgun*

For the most part, Trixie's transfiguration is best suited for turning objects into teacups... of all things. She is also starting to get a grasp on the teleportation spell, but she often forgets where she sent the objects almost immediately after casting it. Plus, it doesn't always work when she wants it to. Surprise, surprise, yelling a spell's name over and over again doesn't actually make it work better in Equestria. For magic to work for real, a unicorn has to mentally picture the end result of their spell, not the spectacle beforehand.

A couple shots echo in the background at the same time that the barking stops.

I think I got it.

Right... Trixie also has access to a sort of tickling spell, that can cause a pony to laugh uncontrollably, so long as she keeps it active. However, it doesn't appear to have any lasting benefits for her once it's finished. In most stressful situations in which she just wants to get away, she carries a few smoke bombs and fireworks.

She also has a few magician's toys like a deck of cards, metal rings, and a steel saw, but she rarely makes use of these outside of her shows.

And it's not like she's battle-ready at all times. At the end of the day, she's only a performer. While she can distract a changeling with a collection of handkerchiefs, she doesn't have any good ways to finish off an opponent, leaving her wide open to someone who does.

I guess it kind of makes sense that her first real friend was a former cult leader pony. They both have terrible people skills and engaging in conversations that don't revolve around them taking control of a town in the past.

Well, they got better... I think. It's hard to tell if learned, positive habits stick with these ponies sometimes. I mean, they did save a large portion of the main cast from the changelings in a location that severely restricted their magic to non-use. But... it was more like the entirety of the hive had a change of heart except for Chrysalis. I guess Equestria loves pulling solutions out of thin air.

"That even Trixie makes mistakes. There! Are you happy?!"

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

The scene opens up to reveal... a generic convention in some random city. The attendees and booths do not seem to have any specific, central theme. It's just a few arbitrary selections pulled from different fandoms. One booth is selling Darth Vader T-shirts. One conference room hosts a made-up skit by Doctor cos-players. There are even some drink stands that serve "Genuine Green Drinks consumed by Commander Shepard."

A curiously on-point blue pony is set up at a table with a stack of paper and a few writing utensils. According to the sign, she's the stand-in for Kathleen Barr's autographing station this day. Right next to her, is another autograph table with a dirty-blonde man standing right in front of it. When the man and pony turn toward each other, a split-second passes in cinematic time for imaginary light in the shape of daggers to travel between their lines of sight.

"Excuse me, but I do believe this is a convention for dignified role models, not a petting zoo." The man gives a fake smile.

"Really? Then what are you doing here?" The mare raises her brow.

"I'm here to deliver the touch of my hand to all of my adoring fans." He pretends to adjust his jacket. "What are you?"

"It seems you are mixed up." She conjures her hat and cape of purple hues. "For you see, The Great and Powerful Trixie is here to make sure her adoring fans have a chance to hold some of her penmanship near and dear to their hearts."

"Tsk tsk, little ponies shouldn't use such big words." The man wags his finger. "It takes away their marketability."

"And just how marketable is a generic white guy?" Trixie steps around in front of her table.

The man pulls out a slightly twisted wand. "Normally, I am above stooping down to brutish levels. But in your case, I have to stoop just to see the top of your head."

"Shall we commence a magic duel?" Trixie's horn glows.

"Only if you're not yet ready to admit your inevitable defeat." He smirks.

Gilderoy Lockhart turns on his heel and steps forward five paces. Trixie tilts her head. Lockhart turns back and points his wand in the same direction as his eyes look. He smirks.

"Are you afraid, Grixie?" He taunts. "I've disarmed several wizards before, all stronger than you."

Trixie scoffs. "For someone who claims to be so accomplished, you're not very good at remembering names."

She aims a small arc of magenta magic from her horn. The arc takes hold of the opponent and lifts him a few inches off the ground. He swivels his head to look around and down at either of his sides. For a bit of flare, Trixie holds up a hoof and draws a couple imaginary circles with it. At the same time, her magic flips Lockhart onto his back and drops him that way to the ground.

"And Trixie has barely even begun to fight." She chuckles. "If you can't handle this little spell, you're not going to last very long, Gilgamesh."

"You know..." Lockart groans as he sits up and wipes some dust off his coat. "... that joke only works if I do it, because I'm so much better at it." He holds his wand up again. "Expelliarmus!"

It looks like a quick burst of air rushes out of his wand. The rush collides with Trixie's hat, brushing past her horn in the process. She opens her eyes wide and turns around at the hat as it slides a few feet away.

"Have you had enough yet, little pony?" Gilderoy poses himself like the champion he imagines himself to be.

Trixie deadpans at him. "Do that again... Trixie dares you."

He shrugs and prepares to do the disarming spell again. At the same time, Trixie pulls out a small pellet and throws it at the ground. The disarming charm collides with nothing but a cloud of gray smoke. After a second of dispersing, the pony is nowhere in that position.

"Ha ha ha ha!" Trixie smirks while standing behind Lockhart. "You can't hit Trixie if you can't see Trixie."

Lockhart turns around and fires again. "Expelliarmus!"

Trixie seems to disappear through the use of another smoke bomb. She appears this time on top of Gilderoy's autograph table. He casts the disarming charm a fourth time. When she disappears in the smoke of one more pellet, the spell ends up tilting the table over itself and scattering the contents all over the ground.

"Constantly running away reveals just how much of a coward you are." Lockhart calls out while slowly looking around himself. "What fans could you possibly have with a character like that?"

"How about one that can do this?!" Trixie fires her horn. "Teacup!"

Her magic beam blasts the fallen table. It shakes in place before shrinking and collapsing in on itself. In the next instant, a fine china in pink rose color cup is resting on the ground. Trixie fires that spell several more times.

"Teacup! Teacup, teacup, teacup! Tea... cup!"

The following objects lose their individuality and join the teacup classification: the Kathleen Barr sign, Trixie's quills, a stack of papers, the other stack of papers, and a tree that was originally sitting as decoration.

"Very amusing, little pony." Gilderoy turns to face the direction of those pink spell blasts. "But I'll need you to stop that before we lose anything too valuable."

...

Both magicians aim their respective, pointed instruments for one last cast.

"Obliviate!/Teacup!"

Trixie ends up flying backwards and sliding on the ground on her back. At the same time, Gilderoy feels a strange tingling permeating his skin. After a bit of shaking and a flash of light, the man is replaced with a small, pink teacup that shatters upon impact with the floor. The unicorn shakes her head, blinks, and looks around.

"Where am I?" She scratches her mane. "For that matter... who am I?" She holds her limb in front of her sight. "Is that a hoof or a blue noodle? Am I some kind of a horse? How am I talking? Horses don't talk. Neigh, I say. Neigh!"

She then proceeds to nibble some grass.

What the heck just happened?

Neither one of these combatants was really prepared for a fight to the death. Their personalities would make them seek attention, rather than actually accomplishing a task. Likewise, their respective magic abilities reflect showing off rather than directly fighting.

Yeah, yeah, but what about that ending?

After cycling through their different methods of avoiding and postponing an eventual conflict, there are two deciding factors this fight can boil down to: Trixie's teacup transfiguration and Gilderoy's memory charm. As shown toward the beginning of Starlight's bottled emotion episode, Trixie turned several objects into teacups. It was later shown that all of those objects were still in the form of teacups as Spike was washing the dishes. This means that Trixie's transfiguration spell doesn't time out just because she loses concentration.

So if she manages to zap Lockhart into a cup, that's it! But you mentioned his memory charm. Why?

When cast with a proper wand, it would take away a target's memory of magic, identity, and location. Without these things, whatever defines Trixie would essentially be gone forever without outside help. Losing memory to that degree would be the same as that person dying. Assuming a situation in which outside help is forbidden, Trixie would have no idea that she was supposed to be herself or have any recollection of how to perform her own skills.

Wow, that's... kind of dark... and not the good kind of dark.

From what we've seen, both Trixie and Lockhart vocalize their spells out loud before actually doing them. Aside from Trixie botching her teleportation, the effects typically take place within the next second. This means that their casting speeds are roughly the same. They've also got poor reaction times to any opposing action like when Snape disarmed Lockhart with Expelliarmus and when Pharynx trapped Trixie in a bag.

So it's probably safe to assume that they'd each cast their best spells in the same time frame and be unable to dodge what the other casts while they're doing that?

Exactly. As both types of spells would leave their opposition in a state that isn't themselves, neither one is winning this hypothetical conflict.

I guess falling short fits both of them to a... tea.

This Death Battle is a draw.

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