A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Chapter Six: Counting Crew

]‘Physical Therapy’, as Tangerine Breeze called it, sucked limes harder than just about anything I’d ever done before. Everything always hurt, and during one of my jobs to get myself back to moving beyond walking, I fucked up my back and took two days to recover from that. However, eight days after that, I was doing passably. I still couldn’t go out on missions, but there were few enough targets to take care of anyway, and  fewer were the jobs that required my area of expertise. Pops let me rest as I needed to, but I saw him on the first day that Breeze cleared me to go topside, and he told me that the only reason I could leave The Catacombs at the time was to go see my sisters and mothers. I didn’t really want to since I couldn’t stroll the nights away anyway, so I did something I actually wanted to.

I cooked up a stew.

Pops had his loyalists to be sure, but there were far more people that were… displeased, with his ways of management. Bite-Back was crafted to handle targets like Odysseus, marks that had gotten to big for their britches and liked to throw their weight around to make shit happen. I gathered my intel and got the consensus subtly through conversational manipulation and knowing tells from vague enough questions that wouldn’t give me away from the spark. There were a few shots in the dark, guesses from possible conspirators with like goals that I often Flash Faced my way out of, but there were few solid allies. It was just my luck that Frieda happened to be one of them.

Picking up from that conversation, it happened on the third day after I’d been cleared to leave the HQ and it started with Frieda catching me in the Training Hall, working out with some other Bite-Back members to get back into shape. We got ourselves to a quiet spot and she began with, “You might want to get lost soon, Gauche. Shit doesn’t look great for you right now.”

“I’m good where I’m at. I might have my hands dirty, but I know how to keep my nose clean for as long as I need to.” I answered readily. People had been telling me to similarly ‘get lost quick’ in as many words or more in the past few weeks, and those were often the people that were my possible conspirators.

Frieda touched my arm and clicked her beak. “You’re going to get yourself killed, Gauche. You really are.”

“I don’t see how it’s any of your concern unless you’d like a smarmy prick to give your beak a peck, and you don’t want said prick to be Schrade, right?.” I cracked a smile at her.

Frieda didn’t return the gesture with the corners of her beak like some Griffins had. “People don’t want to see Odysseus execute another son for disappointing him, Gauche.”

“Then why don’t we just execute him?” I asked, my voice dipping, tinged with a bit of Zdenek’s lunacy myself.

Freida opened her beak, then closed it after a moment. “That’s suicidal.”

“I can do it, but Bite-Back needs to be pared down; split up into loyalists to The Fuckwad and Counting Crew.” I said softly, seeing if Frieda was on board.
She clicked her beak loudly enough to make me wince. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Body counters. Yeah.”

She clicked her beak three times in a rapid staccato and my stomach filled with warm coffee, which is to say that I felt energized. “I’ve already got Counting Crew, former Streetwalkers and Brothel Babies who are loyal to the name ‘Elfrieda Fraula’. You want our help, you have it.”

I offered her my hand and she took it. “The Fuckwad give you trouble?”

Frieda clicked her beak twice in place of scoffing. “He’s sent more than a few of us to our deaths for friends of his. Nearly got my ass split in half when he tricked me into dealing with a Dog buddy he has.”

“How are his instincts?” I asked.

“Not bad, but they’re not psychic or anything. I’ve seen Fuckwad get owned by one man, and that was his brother, Jason. You get him on our side, and everyone will follow you.”

I nodded. “Good to know. Looks like it’s about time for me to go topside anyway. Say, would you happen to know where I could buy some Dragon Fire? I’ve been getting letters from a friend, and I can’t use Zggarath to send anything back since he’s a prick, and said friend might be a friend.” I gave her a subtle wink.

Frieda nodded. “Clear it with Maud and Odysseus and I’ll take you to go grab a vial of the stuff, but I’ll warn you now that it’s going to run you a couple hundred drachs for whatever you get.”

“Do I need a vial or a small jar?” I asked.

“Small jar, always. Unless you’re only using it to sneak letters, then it’s nice to be able to send something bigger than a piece of candy. The fire will engulf something about the size and thickness of your hand, if you have a small jar, that is.”

I nodded. “And a vial?”

“It decreases exponentially. You could only fit something that would fill the vial. Dragon Fire can only send as much as the Dragon who set the fire would want the jar to handle, so I suggest picking up a two-and-a-halfer jelly jar.”

I could devote a pouch to an instant messenger that would keep the new notes from dropping in front of me as they came. They were getting harder to hide, and the only saving grace I’d had was that Maud had been collecting them for me and that Breeze was a supporter in my cause. “Would you happen to know a bugkeeper?”

“... Yeah, actually. Why?”

“Put ‘em in contact with me after I buy the vial. I’ll need their help.”

“Saka is fuckin’ weird, Gauche, but I guess you are too. I’ll get you to him-”

“Ah son! Making plans to go topside, are we!?” Pops boomed from some distance away, though I doubt he’d actually heard us.

“Trying to get some Dragon Fire after I see the Moo-Moo Xysmas.” I answered at the same volume.

“Ah, then I’ll take ya now!” He ‘offered’.

“Let me grab my armour from Festus, Pops.”

“Ah, sure, sure.” Pops nodded a few times. “Good warrior needs good armour if he’s not a born and bred Minotaur, after all! You smaller races never could match up when it came to pain!”

I nodded along with him. “I’m interested to see what he’s come up with. I’ve never heard of using caribou leather to make armour.”

“What did ya use before?” Pops asked brightly.

“... You don’t wanna know that bad. Trust me on this one.” I answered evenly after giving it some consideration.

“Fair enough! As long as it’s only a backup now!”

I gave him another curt nod and gave Frieda a look and she patted my shoulder. “I’ll catch you another time, you furless weirdo.”

“Bite me, Freaky-Beaky.”

“I don’t bite, but I do peck.” She grumbled menacingly.

“Bite and chew, Beaky.” I taunted with a grin.

She moved to peck at me and I got out of her range before she could actually do it. “Keep it up, Gauche. I’ll peck your eyes out.”

“Blind my boy and I’ll split ya tail to tops!” Pops laughed heartily.

Frieda rolled her eyes. “Like I’d actually do it, Odie. Go somewhere and mount your Cows.”

“They’ve all got headaches.” He grumbled. “Next time, I’m just taking the tail.”

I glanced at Frieda and there was fire in her eyes, but we just caught each other’s gaze. “I’ll see ya, Lover. Take it easy and stay safe.”

“Safe as we get. Heal up well, Sweetheart.”

We touched the sides of our fists to each other’s, as was common amongst the Thieves Guild, though I’d noticed that the knuckle-bump, courtesy of the Brawlers/Warriors Guild was more common than our thing. I joined Pops and we went and got my armour from Festus, and I had to say that I was impressed by his craftsmanship. Instead of a layered leather cuirass like I’d been expecting, he’d made me a lacquered woven leather one with steel plates that didn’t make a noise as I moved around with it on. It was definitely better than what I’d been expecting, and there were other large armoured portions of the combination covering my arms, thighs, and there was a good, thin portion that ran with my spine. I was pretty decently protected, all things considered, seeing as how it was all well made and the base of the armour was a thick though malleable leather that was hard to cut through, resistant to stabs all the same. It was a marked step up from my usual stuff, and it was a fair bit lighter than what I was expecting it to be, but I’d still need to get used to running around in it.

While Odysseus was marveling at a tasty looking battle axe that I would have loved to fence to some dolt with too much muscle in his brain and more than enough coin in his pocket, Festus passed me a pair of gloves that were a decent enough. They wouldn’t replace the far superior pair that I’d had Elva, the Guild’s craftswoman, make for me a few years ago, but I’d gone all out with getting my armour and had wanted gloves, so gloves I got. They were probably more suited for climbing than my fingerless ones since they had a rough, grippy texture that wouldn’t allow your hand to slide over it, but I still needed to get back to climbing in general, so I got Pops and asked him if he had a mark for me that I could take in the night to keep my skills sharp.

“So eager to get back into the field, are we!?” Pops asked cheerfully as we left Bonetown.

“Claws get dull when you’re not sharpening them, Pops. Gotta stay on top of my game.” I answered realistically.

“Well, I can have your little buddy Frieda take ya to the guy who pushed her inta Bite-Back if ya think ya got the stones for it.” He said, his voice dripping with absolute madness.

I stopped him and pulled my cowl down to give him my cockiest smirk. “Pops, I could steal the ring from your nose and tie your tail around it if I really wanted.”

He gave me a look with a smile. “Arrogance runs in the blood, don’t it?”

I held up the ring I’d nicked from him the moment the conversation started. “It’s not arrogance.”

Pops’ jaw dropped for a second as I held it out for him to take back. “... I didn’t even feel it! That’s a heckuva party trick, son!”

“You want something from someone and you want it done right, you know my name.”

“Sure do! Yup, I’m definitely sendin’ ya in for a mission, and it’s as stated now: Kill Prince Sectus.” He end with a snarl.

“Want me to rob him blind and make the Guild- Er, Bite-Back, a little extra scratch?”

“... What’s your priority?”

“Get in, take life, take goods, take leave. In that order.” I said, leaving no room for doubt in my words.

“Damn straight!” Pops said jovially. “I’ll break your hand if I catch ya lyin’ ta me about which ya did first, so keep it in mind, okay son?”

“Gotcha. Kill, then steal.”

“So how did ya plan on leavin’ the cadaver?”

“Want me to send a message?”

“Yup!” Pops popped the manhole cover and we clambered out of it and into the same abandoned building I’d once made my hideout. It’s odd to think that I hid right above Bite-Back’s entrance, but I tried to leave it out of my mind.

“Some old friends of mine., the Hæl-Riders, were fond of the ‘chopped and screwed’ method of getting people sent to Hæl.”

“And what’s ‘chopped and screwed’?”

“Castrating someone and fucking them with their own cock.” I answered flippantly.

“... I like it! Prooove that we ain’t nothin’ ta fuck with!” He mooed and it was weird.

I nodded. “Gotcha. What’s the pay for the job if I don’t pick up loot on my way out?”

“It’s a thousand for a pair of Royal Horns. Get those and you’re guaranteed some good scratch!” We exited through the back and the business talk was officially over. I had the mission and the reward, so I had what I considered ‘enough’, but just barely. I planned on asking more about the job later.

“Good to hear. So what are some of my sisters like?”

“Ah, most of ‘em would drink their milk if they could. The majority of ‘em are already claimed by other Bulls, but a few of my girls still live at home. Yer youngest sister is about to be marryin’ age, so it’s well within yer right ta make a move on ‘er if ya wanna get inta the family that way!” He gave me a conspicuous wink.

“How old is marrying age around these parts?” I asked uneasily.

“Twelve!”

“... I think I’d rather be blood. Most twelve year olds I know are annoying.” I said, Flash Face stuck to my features. Aria had barely made it to her twelfth year. I didn’t like the sound of the proposition very much, and I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions as to why.

“That she is, son! That she is!” He bellowed, leading us down the street.

We passed a few open air smithies, more shops than I cared to remember, and a few other types of establishments based around the government or the military as we went, though it wasn’t until we got near the residential district of town that Pops pulled me into a shop that had a warhammer smashing a rat on the sign. The name carved into transom’s flat was ‘Vermintide’, which was an odd name if there ever was one, but if Minotaurs used warhammers to crush rats, then I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more of them around than they could casually whack. I hadn’t seen many in Bonetown, but I’d still seen them, and they were some surprisingly big fuckers.

The inside of the shop was hotter than Hæl and smelled like the forge was on the inside. I say that because of the smoke and the smell of sweat on the air, and I must say that bovine sweat fucking reeks. I tried not to gag or to sweat too hard myself, but the main thing was the fellow manning the front of the shop. He looked young for a Minotaur and he seemed to be bearing the heat well, but he was definitely afraid of Pops. He rose as soon as he was who it was and smiled nervously.

“Da! Odysseus has come by for that sword!” The young guy called out.

“Ha! Good guess as always, Strophis! Can’t say I can hear the sound of Gilly workin’, though.”

“That’s ‘cause I ain’t, ya undersized lout.” A Minotaur even fucking larger than Pops came out from behind the shop. One of his horns was badly chipped, but they were both longer than Pops’ and he seemed like he would be the meaner of the two. “How ya been, fucktard?”

Pops guffawed at that for a sec. “I been good, Big Bro! I just wanted ta bring by the nephew ya made that sword for!”

‘Gilly’ gave me a look. “Gileus. How long do you think you’ll last?”

“I’ve picked up a few tips. I’ll last as long as I need to.” I answered confidently.

Pops clapped me on the back. “He ain’t exactly wet behind the ears neither! He’s a good one for the cause, I’ll tell ya!”

Gileus gave his brother a frown. “Whatever ya say, Odie.” He held up a weird looking sword and sheath that seemed to be about as long as my arm. The thing seemed like a dagger in his hand, compared to the longsword it would have been in mine. He tossed it to me and I caught it one-handed because I was supposed to, otherwise I would’ve looked green. “Give ‘er a look, Gauche. See if ya like ‘er.”

I unsheathed the blade and from the get go, I was disappointed. The steel was shoddy; I could see the grain in the shit and it was just bad. There were pits in the steel where it hadn’t actually been sanded much to give it a decent shine or anything. I unsheathed the rest of it and ‘admired’ the craftsmanship, but when compared to the leather and plates I was wearing, the sword fell flatter than I would’ve if Odysseus would’ve clapped my back a little harder. The thing hadn’t even been sharpened. Period. I dropped my cowl and scowled at Gileus, and yes, I said scowl instead of anything else because I like to rhyme. Bitch at me and I’ll rob you, wanker.

“Gileus, the fuck are you trying to pull, Bruv? Are you trying to get me killed?” I asked testily.

He glared at me with considerable heat. “Fuck you just say to me, calf?”

“Oh shit.” His son breathed.

“Don’t tell me you’re bloody deaf, Bruv. Handin’ me this, I already know you’re dumb. I’ll pay you to make something better than whatever the fuck this is supposed to be,” I sheathed the sword and tossed hit back to him, “‘cause I know that shit has to be free.”

“Well…” Pops mumbled.

Gileus glared at me for another moment. “I might notta put much inta it, but ya don’t give back a gift, ya lout.”

I stayed on my toes. “You do if carrying it’s gonna get you killed. That’s a soft ‘steel’,” I hit him with some air quotes, “if it’s even steel at all. A good swing is either gonna bend it and make it useless, or it’s gonna shear through. I’ve enough Shilling Droppers get their arses cut up because of a pretty piece of garbage, and that’s not even pretty.”

Gileus finally smirked. “More to ya than I thought. Lemme go grab ya something worth a drach.”

“Wait, how long have ya been settin’ my boys up with bad steel!?” Odysseus boomed.

His brother gave him a look. “The Griffins and the Dogs. I ain’t given one a’ ours, someone ya actually shoulda kept, a bad weapon. Still ain’t gonna give this one ma best, but ya don’t pay me for this shit noways.”

“Fair enough.” Pops shrugged.

“What’s the point in carrying a sword that’s barely passable? Marks you in ways I’m not trying to get labeled, Pops. People with swords tend to get noticed and that’s my whole deal: Not being noticed.” I argued reasonably.

He looked at my belt and glanced at my knife. “So what else ya got besides that little blade?”

“Secrets that make me good at what you want me to do. It’s better that we keep what we say to ourselves. You and me. I don’t want a guy who’s trying to get me killed to know shit about me.”

Pops looked at Gileus. “He’s got a point. I’ll see ya around, Bro.”

Gilly waved him off. “Get a Minotaur for a son and I’ll give him Okthus the Soulbreaker.”

“Da! Ya promised Okthus ta me!” His son protested.

Gileus spared him a glance. “Make yer own damned weapon for once, ya oaf.”

The kid didn’t dare glare at anyone other than me, so that’s what he did. I had a problem with that. “You wanna scratch up, Bruv? Keep it movin’.”

“Bite me, meatsack.” He snarled.

Gileus and Pops laughed. “If y’all got a problem, why dontcha solve it?” Gilly suggested.

Pops stopped laughing. “Ah, no. My boy’ll kill yours.”

“Doesn’t matter. MOOO!” Gileus… mooed.

“MOOO!” was echoed by his brother and son, and his son leapt across the counter of the shop and started heading my way, so I pulled a few hidden knives from their sheths on my forearms and sent them at my target, one at a time. One caught him in the throat, another in the joint between horn and head, and the other two went into the base of his wide neck. Minotaurs are bulky enough creatures that none of them went very deep, but they were enough to make the guy stop and pull them out.

Despite my aching body, I could still outpace most Minotaurs since creatures with hooves are only fast in a straight line. All of the Griffins, Dogs, the couple of Cats, and even some of the Ponies themselves told me that they were only good for an outright race instead of the juking and jiving that every successful thief could pull off. I dodged Gilly’s grab for me as I dashed over to his son and used the pommel of my knife to break the guy’s wrists when he actually got ahold of me. Three good slams had his tendons snapping, and five more had him screaming like a stuck… cattle, not Cow. Cattle are just like cows from back home, so the dude who wanted to take his problems out on me was screaming like that. I ate three heavy punches to my ribs for my crimes, but I stepped into his guard when he went for the fourth and just stabbed him in the wrist on that one. I most likely just crippled him for life, and when I slammed my knife into his temple, I was sure that he was rattled and addled.

I let him fall on his own because I’m nice like that. I’d even let him keep his life. I turned to Gileus, who was looking pretty unhappy about the whole affair. “You want some too? Or do I have to set the last example your son ever sees for you to not fuck with me?”

Gilly turned to his brother. “Guy ain’t gettin’ shit from me.”

Odysseus raised a brow. “Your boy started it by lookin’ at him funny. Calf shouldnta been foolish. Don’t come cryin’ to me and mine cause yours couldn’t take care of himself.”

Gileus snorted. “If I didn’t know ya’d kill me for goin’ after ‘im, yer boy would be dead right now.”

“He’d kill ya.” Pops said bluntly. “Even after the lesson I taught ‘im, he’s still enough to handle ya. Not everyone can do what me an’ Dad do, Gilly, but Gauche comes close.” Pops looked at me. “We’ll getcha somethin’ somewhere else. Say goodbye to yer uncle.”

I gave him a two-fingered salute rather than the double digit dismissal, or 3D, as most Avalesch called it. “Call it peace here, Unc. Doesn’t need to go any further.”

He nodded. “Odie says yer too tough, yer too tough. S’not worth it.”

I nodded in turn. “Glad to have a reasonable mind around. I’ll see you when on better tides.”

“If ya crippled ma boy, I’m cripplin’ you.”

“Cripple my boy and I’ll cripple you.” Pops oathed. “Ya got away with Ludo because I wasn’t that fond, but the only reason I even took him was because he won a twofer-one and he was sweet on Hermine. Y’know she killed herself when he died, right?”

“Ah. I didn’t. Shame.”

“Damn lucky I don’t blame you for it.” Pops said as I got my knives back from the dolt who thought fighting strangers was a good idea.

When I looked back, they were both looking at me, so I held up my knives. “These things aren’t fuckin’ cheap, dammit! Do you know how hard it is to get someone to make these things consistently instead of just fucking them together like some simp?”

“I’m a smith.” Gilly said bluntly.

“I’ve worked with assassins for years. They always bitch about losing knives.” Pops said, bored. “Killin’ someone with a mallet is more fun.” He turned to his brother. “Speakin’ of, do ya got my mallet done ‘er what?”

Gilly rolled his eyes as I distanced myself from his stirring son. “I gotcha, Bro. Just don’t kill my calf while I’m gone, yeah?”

“Kill who I damn well please, and don’t you forget it!” Pops replied happily.

Gileus didn’t share his sentiment, but I felt the same way about him as I did about most Minotaurs, which is to say that they’re fucking stupid. However, The piece of steel he’d forged for his brother was an absolute wonder to look at, because the damned thing looked like a steel-capped pole was rammed through a rounded, rectangular block of steel. It reminded me of Dissida’s Song, which reads as such:

And much like Dissida’s hammer, so too was Odysseus’ filled with pits, and the parts of it that were polished, few and far between as they were, shone well. They threw off an enchanting glow rather than a real shine, though when I actually looked around to see why it wasn’t lit up by torches, little magic lights in brackets answered my question before I could even ask it. With my attention thoroughly diverted from the mastodon that was Pops’ hammer. I assumed that they’d been in Bonetown because of the fractional Unicorn populace, but here I was; proven a fool. Maybe more races could use their Magicks however they pleased, but I still wasn’t sure how they could do if they even had the ability to outwardly use it. After Pops collected me to go to his house, I was stuck in my head, curious about the inner workings of Magic as I knew it.

To be honest, what I’d known about Magicks and the like were apparently false, given that the poor Satyr woman hadn’t been able to cast any of her own to save herself. Her Furladra-given Magicks should have helped her escape capture in the first place since Fauns were expert escapists, having learn from Ladesa, her first daughter. It also didn’t help that Unicorns could create fire, or that Dragons could breathe it, just like it in the legends. The shit was wild, though it made me wonder why certain races had ‘more’ Magic than the rest. I couldn’t help but see the disparity between what your average Unicorn could do as compared to say, a Dog. It was just odd to know that not every race had Magicks like Ponies since I’d heard tell of Ponies that could time-travel, teleport long distances, and generally warp the laws of reality itself to their will, although I’d been assured that they were few and far between when it came to beings that could hope to rival those tales.

I asked Pops about Minotaur Magicks and the first word out of his mouth were, “The Unstoppable Charge is the greatest Magic a Bull gots! You set a Bull to ragin’ and you can kiss yer house and your ass goodbye if either happen ta be in front of ‘im! A Bull’s horns can break just about most things, and a Cow’s milk will make yer bones nicer an’ stronger! Ya need yerself a good milkin’ Cow, a’ course, otherwise it’s gonna be like drinkin’ from a tiny hose that don’t offer ya much.”

I didn’t dare give him an odd look because I knew it’d get me killed. “Is that about it?”

“Nah! Minotaurs gots Forgin’ Magic that makes our stuff the best stuff ya can lay yer hands on!”

“Ah, I see. So Minotaurs don’t have the Magicks that allow them to see better like Griffins or smell and hear better like Dogs and Cats?”

“Yep! Well kinda, ‘cept for the smellin’ thing, but it’s a good trade since the only things Dogs are good at is breedin’, and the only thing Cats are good at is bein’ gangsters! Lotta Cats join up with the cause since we’re the third biggest threat on the planet at the moment!”

“Really? Who’s above us besides that Equestria place?”

“Draconia and Queen Azyre. Equestria’s top on the list, but Draconia’s a monster in its own right, and even Celestia goes to Queen Azyre for wisdom on occasion. Speakin’ of, it ain’t wise to go to the Dragon Lands if ya ain’t a Dragon or an Equestrian. It’s generally considered suicidal, but that’s because Dragons get scarier the older they get, and the majority a’ the Dragon population stays around five ta eight hundred years old. Scaly bastards might be immortal, but that don’t mean it’s meant for everyone.”

“... So don’t go to Draconia. Gotcha.”

“Ya might be able to go if ya have a cadre a’ Dragons callin’ ya a friend, but ya better hope one a’ ‘em’s Royal Blood and another’s a Tie-Tight’s cousin ‘er somethin’, cause ya’ll get fried otherwise.”

“Nice to know. What other countries should I stay out of?”

“The Great Sands. It is a country, but not all of it’s sand. A lot of it’s tropical on the other side of the mountain range, and that’s where The Wyld Lyres live. I won’t even fuck with those cannibal rapist lunatics.” He shivered visibly.

“... Oh shite. They’re that bad?”

“Gauche, I’ll fuck up the entire base if I gotta, but even I can’t take on more than a couple Wyld Lyres at a go. That’s not at a time, that’s in one fight,” He paused for effect, “period. Scary fuckers are scary.” Pops said, making a grabbing gesture over his heart and casting away whatever evil he found there.

I made a diamond with my index fingers and thumbs before breaking it casually; a Guild sign for ‘Good Luck’, aimed at whoever you were wishing it toward. I broke the point of the diamond at the cobblestone road beneath my feet as we came to a stop in front of an impressive estate because I was sure that it would bounce back up and hit me in the region I needed it most if there were eligible bachelorettes in the house that Pops was going to try to hook me up with. The first person we met was one of his wives and he gave her a kiss, moving me along before I’d said a word to her, citing that I didn’t need to know many of them since they were little more than calf-factories as his reason. When I started meeting my sisters, I felt like he was being rather honest with his words.

I was a little horrified, but then again, that’s why a lot of Nobles go slumming in the first place; they can’t fucking stand their partner and only get together to either appease their parents or bear a child of ‘pure blood’.Outside of that, they got their sex from the people that know how to do it best, and boy does your average peasant know how to fucking populate. The large families in Minosia only surprised me because of the radically polygamous aspect, but having seventeen kids? It’s possible over the span of a lifetime. There were some Amelemme Priestesses that devoted their lives to taking care of those often orphaned families because the pair or trio of mothers died during childbirth at different times, leaving their father’s to go to debtors gaol, which was basically slavery.

Life sucks and then you die: Heavy Faxation, and pure truth.. I don’t have a very positive view with life and all that because I’ve seen the world turn, and it does tend to whirl like a Birre-Tchun (Pronounced like Bear-Shoon) Dervish, one of their insane sand-digging warriors. Seriously; went to D’sarr on a request from Desmond himself through one of his closest contacts. We had a way into Pallaza il Arad (Payaza-eel-A’rod), and it had been tested twice with some of our brothers in the Guild Sector, but they refused to steal from their own King for fear of Buzzard-Necking, which is having your throat worn away by some of the finest sandpaper you can get. It’s a rather awful punishment since they don’t use sand once they get to the white meat. No, they switch to rock salt for a spell before going back to the sandpaper, alternating between the two. You can’t really die of infection since salt cures meat, and the wound doesn’t dry up because the salt is some special shit they cook up with Alchemy. That being said, the punishment for treason wasn’t worth it, but calling in an expert, tried and true that had recently pulled off a job in Fechere doing the same damn thing?

Oh yeah, Yelebochi Budini (Their Thieves Guild) wanted a piece of the action, and the Northwest Guild was already famous as well as infamous in the undercurrents for having the most proficient members in the world. Avalesce was, after all, the birthplace of Furladra, and it’s said that Ladesa still strolls the nights as she pleases, she just changes faces when her time comes so she can stay in the Guild and start a new life. Women who claim to be her usually get put down for heresy, so the honor fell to the guy who’d just earned the name ‘Varas’, graduating from ‘Gadai’ earlier than pretty much anyone else since Mercer, who was Desmond’s second for a fuck mothering reason. I’d just finished learning Varic, the language of world-ranking thieves, from Vex and Felt, two of the six Varas in the Guild (Myself included) when Desmond came to me with the dossier and a bag of shillings to get me onto a ship to Birre-Tchun, and then to D’sarr. I was eighteen or nineteen at the time since I’m not really that sure of my exact age due to not knowing when the fuck I was born, but I was done growing for the most part to be sure.

Still. D’sarr was nearly a bloodbath. The reason I’m telling this story instead of getting on with meeting my sisters is due to the fact that they’re… They’re sad. They’re honestly what Pops said, and it’s not because they want to be. The bruises on their faces, the way they flinched at the general look on my face (I’m told I have a mean-mug on me, but that’s usually just Flash Face), and the air of ‘I gave up hope, and there’s none for you either’ they gave off… I don’t want to talk about them. I would much rather talk about the time I nearly died, so lets get on with that. Yes, I talked about literal torture and one of, if not the, greatest betrayals in my life, but I hate people who bow down and accept hopelessness as it pours its Rooster Brew down their throats, stroking as many times as it pleases because they don’t care. I had the same fuckin’; problem with Breeze until she agreed to join the cause, so she narrowly escaped being a fuckin’ disappointment.

Fuckin’ pisses me off so yeah. Story time.

The sail to D’sarr was awesome. I’d been to the South to see Fechere and to the East to see Thesuvia and Laspone at that point, but I’d never actually been on a sea-faring vessel before, and no one could catch me as I scrambled up and over the Crow’s Nests on either side of the ship. The Captain was a Vanhin from the Guild, and she was well respected for her skill with a flintlock. Carrying seven of them made her a force to be reckoned with at any given time, but she had a soft heart for a nuori Varas, and she usually asked me to come down when she wanted a word, or when she knew the winds were about to get bad. My instincts were pretty alright back then, but they weren’t as sharp as… Well, they don’t seem to be doing much good for me these days, but when you deal with inhuman abominations, it’s less of an art and more like a hope. Still, my gut had gotten me Furladra’s favour since my brand had been chosen for my chest and not my neck like a more than a few Varas’; something that Captain ‘Flint’ herself confirmed.

What can I say? I’ve had sex maybe six times in my life, so I’m no lecher, but I was young and she had charisma for a forty-something year-old woman. She got my first time at that, but it was fuckin’ worth it since I knew of her feats. She was one of the lucky few that had been branded on her breast as well, and the only reason she wasn’t in the Guild itself was because she was a Corsair, and she was a damn good one. ‘Flint’ still paid her offerings and fees to Furladra and Desmond respectively, so she was a full-blooded Member, she just didn’t really operate in Avalesch seas because they’re slim pickings.

After getting laid multiple times (And sucking more limes than you can count) over the course of a month, we got to Birre-Tchun and I got familiar with some of the Budini. The Varas I talked to most of the time was a fellow named Ma’Oh (Fucking Mayo, basically.), and he had a few feats of his own, but their self-imposed Edicts prevented him from getting his name in Birre-Tchun. There were actually only three Varas, people blessed by Furladra herself, in Birre-Tchun. However, it wasn’t strange for there to be so few in any other country other than Avalesce, but it did mean that there were few people I could talk to since Avalesch and Fechette weren’t something a lot of Birrans cared to know. Fechere’s fashion, most of their cooking, and all alcohols were forbidden, so the Fechette rarely have a reason or are suicidal enough to go. Most Avalesch don't care to because it’s fuckin’ hot. Like, I had to rest for a day to acclimate to the heat, but during that night? I was right at home as the frost formed wherever there was water to humidify the surrounding area, though they were generally few and far between, as far as most things would have gone.

It took me a few days of observing Pallaza il Arad for me to feel comfortable with going in, and our entrance was the one that had been given to us by the Yelebochi Budini. My escort was only three men deep, myself included in that number, and one of those men was a woman, as was customary. However, the traditional structure of our group didn’t give us any more luck than we’d already had, because as we were crossing the sands to get into the Palace, one of the escorts, our ‘Luck Lady’, got dragged into a dune of sand that had been just a little too high for me to be comfortable with going near it, the oddness of the little thing having sent my gut to churning. After seeing our sole woman get torn apart by a Dervish, the fellow who had come with me, Modak, cut his losses and left me to die, but he too was caught by a ‘sleeping’ Dervish on his way out.

I barely had time to react after hearing the first cries from our ‘Luck’ Lady, and it was all I could do not to immediately run. Instead, my gut told me to drop, using the darkness as my cover as the linen-wrapped monstrosities whirled out of their dunes and softly sang their song, each of their numbers adding in another echo until it was a constant mash of meaningless words that was made to instill fear into the enemies of Birre’ Scha. It certainly made my heart pound and throb as I subtly started covering myself with sand, wiggling and burrowing beneath the surface of the ground itself as camouflage to evade capture and, most likely, being turned into a Harem Queen’s toy. I’d heard tales about what happened to Avalesch boys in Birre’ Scha, and most of them involved some kind of torture or rape, and I was neither fond nor excited about possibly ending up a slave.

Through some miracle, surely a blessing from Furladra, only my compatriots were caught, and neither of them lived past their ambushes, so luck was smiling down upon us in a morbid way. I didn’t move; didn’t dare to do much more than breathe through my nose while face down in an awful lot of sand while it got in all the hard to reach places. I didn’t mind and I minded even less when my gut told me that I was in the clear, but from there? I was going to have a little trouble. I only knew the one entrance to Pallaza il Arad, and it was mega-mucked, so I snuck my way off of the open grounds, avoiding any of the large dunes that had oh so mysteriously shifted away from their original positions and got back to the task at hand.

Entry into the palace was as easy as climbing to an elevated window that was about thirty feet off the ground, and thanks to some good old fashioned time and a few sandstorms, there were plenty of places for me to grab and hold onto as I made my ascent. Falling into the palace was unplanned, as was killing the servant woman I fell on, but in my defense, she shouldn’t have been standing under a fucking window if she wanted to keep her life a little longer. Nothing good ever comes out of hanging around near windows, and that’s an old adage that’s seen its use around the Thieves Guild, so I didn’t feel that bad about stabbing her a few times and hiding her body in an especially large urn that was probably used for some crazy religious ritual since most Birre’ Schanese worshipped Luxus and Lewwy, the God and Goddess of the Moon and Sun respectively. They generally asked for animal sacrifices, and the Birre’Schanese were savages at times with how they draped the animals entrails fuckin’ everywhere, but that’s a story for another time.

I crept through the halls of Pallaza il Arad and still nothing struck me as being out of the ordinary other than the fact that my partners were dead and that I was storming yet another castle, but this time by myself. I have to say that getting to the Treasury was actually rather easy since I’d kept the map I had of the place, and it had held together pretty well for sucking eggs a little bit, but still. The marked drop was found and I got my real instructions from there. I only had to steal two extra things to come out of my task a rich man, and depending on what I grabbed, I might have the choice of undertaking a task gifted by Furladra or Ladesa themselves. What I didn’t know was that after picking the lock to the Treasury with a special Thesuvian Furladran Gizmada (An auto-picker that I only used because I was pressed for time and my Luck Lady was down.), I had to get in and find a crown that was kept on a pedestal, a few dozen rings and bangles that the Budini wanted, and I managed to grab a few pouches worth of gems as well as filling my shouldersack with awesome little Birre’Schan trinkets that were mechanical wonders, only found in the Sandlands. They were mostly made of gold, and the little pocket-watches I kept specifically for Furladra all had the Flywheel, Die-cutter Crissy, Hokey Poked design, or in normal terms, they were once a trice winding, cut crystal or gem handed, skeletally framed pieces that reeked of Aristocuntcy that I could probably have afforded at that point in time if I wanted to break the bank.

I ended up finding a lot of throwing knives that were perfectly crafted and I ended up taking some for myself and giving some to Ladesa, but the gold and gems? I took as much as I could get and made my way out of the Treasury by way of a secret door that had been marked on my map, and it lead right out of town towards the Budini’s Sanctum. The exit was clean, but I had miles and twice as many kilometers to walk when I got out of the palace Treasury, and with easily over forty pounds (about eighteen or nineteen kilos, I think. The new system still messes me up sometimes.) of gear on my back and on my belt, I wasn’t exactly bustling along. Still, I made the trip without stopping with limited air and more adrenaline keeping me going than what I’d had in Fechere. I was still a little terrified about being caught by a Dervish and getting torn apart by their hand-claws, but there were none in my tunnel, and there was enough Scotchlite (A glowing juice made with scotch and glow worms from The Caverns) to last me until I got to the last fifteen minutes of my journey. It had taken me about ten hours to make the trek while following the tunnel and avoiding dead ends by following the map, but when my light gave out, I had to feel my way to the exit before I eventually swung the door to the old mine open and got myself out.

The Budini were bound by Furladra’s Edicts to allow me to make my offerings to her, and when I ended up giving her an emerald-handed, gold-encrusted, platinum-geared, masterpiece of a watch, the Budini Supremi cursed me in his language for giving the Goddess her just dues since two skilled Gadai that could have earned their Varas stripes in a different country were lost on the mission. When he asked if I’d mind giving her something else, I gave him the most fucked up look I could conjure and asked him if he’d been withholding sufficient offering from her and he couldn’t tell me that he’d been asking people to give their just dues to our Goddess. I was understandably upset and cursed him in Varic, to which he couldn’t reply without risking the anger of Furladra herself since he was stealing from her in the first fuckin’ place. Shit pissed me off enough to challenge him to a fist-fight, but he had the right to decline and he did, but that was mostly because Avalesch Varas’ tend to have Furladra’s blessing because we pay our Gods-be-damned dues.

Still, I got to keep a couple of my pocket-watches and I even gave a special one to Sha’ Dai, the leader of the Budini, as a peace offering and a bribe for him to stick to the Edict that Furladra gave us. From that, I earned the protection of the Budini since the watch I’d given him was a fence-worthy object that could keep a fellow fed and watered for months, if not a full year if they spent their money the right way. I learned while boarding Flint’s boat the second time that there’d been a hit on my head until I’d paid Sha’ Dai off, which didn’t bother me much since it was good news in the first place. Still, I was a little uneasy that I’d nearly gotten lynched for doing the Budini a favour, and when Flint and I had a ‘discussion’ about it (We had sex and talked a little bit), we decided to strike out at the Budini for breaking the fuckin’ rules. As such, Flint contacted the Araluen Guild and I wrote out a note to the Brotherhood, asking for a little help with a Supremi that had gotten too big for his britches by not giving the proper offerings. It cost me six middling gems to get the hit cleared, but between myself and Flint, we got things settled.

Two months later, Yelebochi Budini was sending offering to the Avalesch Guild to beg forgiveness from Furladra, but the damage was already done. Furladra took no pity on them, and before the long, Yelebochi Budini was rebuilding from decently chunked rubble, though everyone knew that the damage could have been worse. One of our Varas, Felt, the smoothest talker to date, went down to Hæl itself to make sure we still had contacts in the forsaken Guild, and lo’ and behold, our best guy was able to get the job done, unifying the thieves in Birre’Scha under a new banner, beholden to our Goddess. It was a good lesson across the world not to mess with the Avalesch Guild since Mercer would kill you, Vex would roll you, Felt would talk you into giving him the shirt off of your back, Flint guarded the seas with a vengeance, I would rob you seven shades of blind, and Desmond?

Tch. Scoff. Desmond? That crazy fucker would do it all and have you begging to fold under his wing by the end of his endeavors. If Vex was like a mother to me, then Desmond had to be like a father, and I learned a lot from both of them, but Desmond definitely caught more of my attention due to his charisma and enigmatic nature. We spent enough time together for me to know that he was proud to call me his ‘Golden Boy’ when the chance arose, but Desmond rarely enough showed me affection like Vex did, and when he did demonstrate his pride, it was usually through a handshake or an up-nod paired with a smirk. It was the most he ever gave anyone, but now I’m just going on about good times and I need to stop rambling. The story is over, as skimpy on the exact details as it was.

However, I feel like I should mention that, when I took my final offerings home with me to Furladra and Ladesa, Desmond and Vex were there to watch me put an emerald-bladed, Blaq steel-handled knife on Furladra’s altar and helped me give the chant for her to take the offering given. The knife disappeared in a flash of green light, and with that, I laid Ladesa’s throwing knives on the altar and chanted alone for that one since you don’t really need multiple Varas to send Ladesa anything. After a gout of orange flames swallowed the knives, I was free to do as I pleased, the feeling of a job well done being focused into my brand, making itself known as a cooling feeling that perfectly matched the contours of the scarring.

Story time over. Getting back to business with a rock hard missederection, Pops and I finished up at the chronically depressing Xysma house and started going back to HQ, but on the way there, my gut told me to ask him, “Heya, Pops. Mind if I stop by a grocer and grab some parsnip?”

“Dontcha mean parsnips?” He asked confusedly.

I shook my head. “One should be enough to make a decent batch of fries. I can do multiple if you want some.”

“I’m good, son, but thanks for the thought! Bulls avoid parsnips ‘cause they make your Jock-Juice thick!”

I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, so I shrugged. “I dunno what you’re talkin’ about, but as far as I know, they just taste good. You wanna come with, or am I rolling solo for a second?”

Pops gave me a withering look, but I just tilted my head at him and gave him a little smile. “Something on your mind, Pops?”

“You tryna run?” He snarled.

I raised a brow at him and let my smile fall. “I wouldn’t get far. I know you well enough to know I’d regret it.”

He clapped me on the back hard enough to make me stumble. “Ah-ha-ha! Smart lad, aren’t we! I’m comin’ with ya, but don't ask me ta pay for or carry nothin’. Yer yer own man with yer own money.”

I nodded. “Couldn't let you pay for shit with a clear conscience either.” I said smoothly.

He gave me a big smile and we headed toward the Market District without saying much between the two of us, though Pops told stories of his past conquests, fights and sexual, that he was proud of and made sure that I was well aware of the fact that I needed more training to be on his level. I doubted that a Human could reach the lower echelons of the ridiculous power he had, let alone the upper echelons, but I let him ramble on until we found a stall that sold something that looked like a parsnip, but smelled like a walnut and tasted like a raw bitter almond. It wasn’t poisonous or anything, but it definitely was tasty, so I bought three smallish ones (They were all pretty big to be honest) and Pops said that he wanted to go grab a Minosian Golde, which was an apple that was supposed to be especially tasty. I’d never had one, so when he got a couple, I bought one for myself, and I have to say that Jus, the God of the Harvest and all things edible, would have had a hard time topping a Minosian Golde. It was like biting into a Flistian passision-fruit, but with the texture of an apple that was fused with butter, giving it a silky smooth texture that just made the experience delicious-y-er than any other fruit I’d ever had before. While the food in The Catacombs wasn’t terrible, nothing had anything on that twenty drach little fruit. To compare, my ‘parsnips’ had only cost me a drach apiece.

As I was finishing off the core of my apple (Apparently it’s weird to eat the core in Minosia), I looked around and saw a familiar face. A face I wasn’t expecting to ever see again in this life, but a face I was happy to see nonetheless. “Heya, Pops?”

“Yeah, son?” He responded, giving me an odd look since I was still chewing on an apple core.

I waved my core at the woman I’d seen as she was holding up a piece of paper to a passerby, still some distance down the street. “You see that Mare down there? The one with the light pink mane and purple stripes, not the puffy-maned one?”

Pops squinted and looked. “Eyesight ain’t that good, son.”

“We’re coming up on them just as we are.” I pointed them out, helping him get the gist of where I was aiming.

“Ah, yeah, the ones next to that blonde with the ass to beat the rest a’ the Ponies ‘round here?”

“Sir yessir.” I said. “I wanna go chat with ‘em for a sec. I’ll start looking for Cows some other time, but for now, I wanna see what those Mares are made of.”

Pops gave me a look. “Dontcha have Maud already?”

“What? I thought herding was something you wanted me to do?” I scratched my head, reaching under my cowl to do so.

Pops gave me another look. “Yeah, with Cows.”

“Pops, if you can find a full-grown Minotaur tart that’s less than a foot taller than me, I’ll eat a dick made of man-meat.”

“Gross. You’re a sick little fuck, arentcha?” Look who the fuck is talking you fucking lunatic!

“So can I go talk to em’? If my charm works on them like it did on Maud, then I’m getting laid, and I’d like that a lot. Maud won’t give me any action, dammit!” I growled.

“So? Just make her give it up.” Pops grunted.

“I’m not a rapist.” I said coldly. “Furladra would kill me for stealing that which should only be freely given if I bear her mark, and it’s never exactly sat well with me in the first place.”

“Nice guys finish last ‘cause they don’t get any.”
I rolled my eyes since he couldn’t see the gesture. “Still, I’d like to be able to look at someone I like and not see fear or hatred in their eyes.”

Pops grabbed my arm. “I see it in your eyes all the time. Why do ya care about what other people think a’ ya?”

“Pops, I might not be brave enough to stab you in the back, but that doesn’t mean everyone is like me. You’re gonna cross the wrong guy and get handled if you’re not careful.”

He pursed his lips and gave it a long moment before nodding. “I can’t change you at the core, I guess. You are strong in that way. Go talk to your mares, son, and be back at base before midnight.”

I nodded. “Gotcha, Pops. Back at base before the Moon is high.”

He nodded again before turning and cutting down an alley that I’d been scoping for a cutpurse that had been following us for some time. I saw Pops catch him and didn’t want to watch after that, so I strolled on over to the ladies and waited nearby for them to finish asking if anyone knew the guy on the poster they were carrying. Most people blew them off when they asked, and it was easy to see the resignation in the light pink-maned one’s body language as each person didn’t give a single fuck about helping them. At all. They tried more people on their way to me, and when the blonde one saw that I was obviously watching them, she pointed me out to her friend and the way ‘Twilight’s’ eyes lit up just made my day feel a little bit brighter.

She wasted no time in making a break for me, leaving her friends behind as I calmly walked toward her. We met in the middle and hugged. “Gauche! I never thought I’d find you!”

I gave her a tight squeeze. “I don’t know why you’re looking for me, but I’m glad you are. It’s great to see you again, Lover.” I held her at arm’s length and she looked at me with a wonderful little smile.

“It’s great to see you too, Gauche! How have you been?” She asked excitedly while her friends came up to rest on either side of her. The bubbly looking, extremely pink one gave me a giant smile to beat all others. Seriously, her face was a little scary with the width of her smile. And the blonde-maned, orange coated one had unshouldered her crossbow, which immediately made me suspicious.

“... I’ve been better, to be honest with you. Some things have happened and there’s a lot I can’t really tell you, but I do need to ask a favour of you.”

“Anything!” Twilight oathed. “As long as it’s something reasonable, that is.”

I nodded. “I need you to get me out of Minosia in exactly seven days. I’ll pay to get you a room and keep you for as long as you need, but I have business I need to attend-”

“Now hold on a sec, Buster. We spend darn-near three weeks lookin’ for ya, finally find ya, and now you’re tellin’ us that ya got some shady stuff that ya can’t say nothin’ ‘bout-”

“No, I’ll tell you that what I’m doing is based in international politics and happens to be in the best interest of Minosia, Equestria, my personal allies, and an entire race of persecuted people. I’m trying to do some good here, and I’ll be honest with you on this; my motives are my own. It’s a little bit of altruism, but it’s mostly vindication for an event I don’t want to talk about.”

“... Whatcha doin’?” The overtly pink one asked.

“Biting back.” I said cryptically.

“Gauche, I really can’t support something like revenge.” Twilight said worriedly.

I looked at her and let my eyes show the turmoil going on in my mind, but Twilight’s not the brightest. Her friend, however, shouldered her crossbow and narrowed her eyes at me before folding her arms. “Why do ya want revenge?”

“Heard tell of a fellow who liked to cow people to his will. Heard tell of a fellow who liked to eat sapient creatures. Heard tell that the same fuckin’ fellow was force feeding people things no one has the right to eat.” I snarled.

The orange Mare paled and the pink ones just looked at me funny. “What do you mean by that, Gauche?” Twilight asked.

“Twi, stop askin’ questions.” Her wise friend said softly.

“Applejack? Do you know what he means?” The only one I knew asked.

“I do, and I wish I didn’t. I really wish I didn’t.” Applejack placed a hand over her mouth, getting a little green around the gills, which was odd because she was actually turning green around the neck area. She caught her breath and exhaled slowly. “The second and third one.”

“Yup.” I answered grimly.

“... Ya didn’t hear about ‘em, did ya?”

“Nope.”

Twilight made a face. “I’m still not understanding, but-”

The one with puffy a puffy mane suddenly didn’t have a puffy mane, which was rather strange to be honest. Quite odd. Rather incredible, now that I think about it. Her Thesuvian curls were adorable, which I had to mention first because they were, and they were also quite small, wound somewhat tightly, but they only reached her shoulders. When she drew my attention, I saw that her straight hair went to the upper parts of the lumbar region, which was also queer. There were already a few things that were telling me that the girl wasn’t playing with a standard deck, so I resolved to keep an eye on her.

“Twilight, it’s a really good time to find another inn.” She said irritably.

“Again?” The Princess in disguise asked dejectedly.

“Pinkie wasn’t wrong when she saved us from them Dogs, Twi. We’ll have to find another place ta bed down.” Applejack said comfortingly, though I could hear in her voice that she was shaken by the news I’d given her. It shook me too, but I deal with it as the problems come. Being focused on getting my revenge helps immensely.

“I can get you a Flash Ken for a few nights and we can stock you up to stay out of sight, alright? I’ve already got a few on my mind from a stroll, and I can get you some cots and bedding to make it less terrible.” I stated, plotting the course out already.

“What’s a Flash Ken?” Twilight asked.

“Safe-house.” I replied.

“... Why do you have a safe-house?”

“Why do ya got multiple?” Applejack asked.

I sighed. “I fell in with a crowd that’s going to get me killed if I stay with them, so I have a few back ups in town so I have places to go when people want my face on a plate.”

“People don’t sound very nice.” Pinkie said, her mane still straight.

“In general they aren’t. At least, not in my experience.” I snorted. “Anyway, point me to the inn you were staying at and I’ll see if I can go grab your stuff after we find a place for you to lay low.”

As I was turning to lead them somewhere, Applejack grabbed my arm like a madwoman and almost caught herself a slappin’. “Hey, what exactly is one a’ your safe-houses?”

“Abandoned buildings.” I answered simply.

“Yeah, no. We ain’t doin’ that.” Applejack answered flatly.

“They’re cleaner than any inn in Grey Grotto, Lover. They really are.” I replied, my tone dry and amused.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You must not know many Mares.”

I snorted. “If you’d ever met Maud Pie, you’d know she’s all the ‘Mare’ I need.”

Pinkie gasped. “Maud Pie!? Is her coat grey!? And is her mane a hushy-hushed blue-violet!? Oh-oh, and do ponies sometimes have a hard time telling when she’s joking!?”

I raised a brow and smirked. “Sounds like my Mauble. I’m guessing you’re the sister she talks about as much as her rocks?”

“Maud’s told you about me!? Awww! She really is the best!” Pinkie beamed.

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes at her levels of enthusiasm, but I did offer her my hand. “It’s nice to match a face to the name, Pinkamena.”

She shook it vigorously. “It’s nice to meet you too, Gary-Bear!”

I froze. “How do you know that name?”

Pinkie winked at me. “Don’t call me Pinkamena!”

“... Riiight. So we’ll just go find you snobby waffles a decent inn on the outside of town, and Twilight?” She looked at me expectantly. “Alter all of your appearances. Look like Griffins.” I added in a lower voice.

“... Why?” Twilight asked nervously.

“Griffins get by here just fine without being harried. Ponies? Not popular.”

“I don’t think he’s wrong on that, Twi.” Applejack answered.

“We can still make friends though, right!?” Pinkie exclaimed, drawing attention.

I gave her a severe look and jabbed a finger in her direction. “Stop that. Lie low means no doing that.”

“Don’t talk to her like that, Buster.” Applejack said threateningly.

“If you’d like to get fucking killed, then by all means. Keep fucking around.” I spread my hands. “Just don’t get Twilight hurt because of it.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and adjusted her weird hat. “Why are ya so invested in Twilight? Why did ya protect her when ya first met her?”

I inhaled and sighed. “It’s just wishful thinking that leads to drinking, and right now I’m already aching for a pint. Can we get moving before your tail decides to stop waiting on you to go somewhere?”

Applejack nearly looked behind her before I scooped one of her breasts, catching her attention and making her blush brightly. “Hey! What’re you thinkin’, pervert!?”

“Don’t let him know you’re looking for him. Rule number one in a nutshell. Follow me and speed up when I slow down. When we get off the street, I want you to sprint, not run, sprint, as hard as you can to get down the alley and out the other side. I’ll catch up. Trust me. Come.” I gestured for them to follow with a wave of my hand and set a decent pace for a block or so before enacting the plan.

I slowed down, so Applejack lead the charge on speeding up, but she did so in a smart way, barely outpacing me since she’d spotted the alley I was taking us to. Twilight and Pinkie caught on soon enough, and by the time they turned down the alley, I was a good six feet or about two meters behind them. Close enough to be able to warn them to keep their gaits reasonable before ditching me, but far enough to be pushing the tail’s patience since he had to follow me now. I turned the corner of the alley just in time to see the girls already about halfway down it, so I jogged a couple of steps to a decent portion of the wall and climbed out of general view, but not actually on top of the roof of whichever building I was scaling. All too soon, the Dog that had been giving the girls a reason to be scared (I sensed that Applejack was the only one with enough sense to actually be somewhat paranoid) came around the corner, easily giving me the drop on him before he could realize that his marks were getting away. I landed on him and flexed my wrist, my blade coming out over the dorsal side of my hand. Three seconds later, I was jogging down the alley with a twitching body in my wake.

The girls spotted me when I came out and I caught them before they could get too close to the scene. “Girls, Dolls, we gotta move. People are gonna tie us to the unconscious fella in the alley if we stay in the center of town.”

Applejack lead the way, taking up a quick pace that Twilight struggled to keep up with and Pinkie held no problem with her near-skipping gait. I was faster than Applejack, so I sent her to the back of the pack to guard Twilight while I lead us to the outskirts of town where the seedy dealings went on. We cut through enough alleys to make me satisfied that we weren’t picking up anymore tails, and when we got down one of the stone passageways, I had Twilight put a glamour on Pinkie and Applejack so we could get around unaccosted. After the tension of the situation was gone, Pinkie had a million questions about Maud and how she was doing, and since I wanted to earn some brownie points, I didn’t tell her that she was one of the mostly annoyingly adorable things I’d ever met. She was cute to be sure; Maud’s parents must be some pretty good looking people, apparently, but the main thing was that she reminded me of the one Priestess of Xana I’d ever met, and both women were just upbeat and incredibly cheerful, even during tough times. Havana, the Priestess, was from Laspone and had seen the civil war there, but she wore a smile during our entire encounter, and it was a lot easier to ignore the fact that I’d just seen her mash someone’s face in with a bludgeon.

It was an odd meeting, but she’s the one who taught me how to keep a good Flash Face, so it was worth it.

Anyway, I found them another inn and paid off the innkeeper to keep their presence off of the ledger on pain of death from Bite-Back’s wrath. He fell in line with earnesty since Odysseus was an actual barbarian and his name carried weight, so I got the girls a ‘suite’ to themselves, which was really just a less shitty room with two big beds. They immediately started working out who was going to sleep with Twilight, but it’s not like Twilight was the prize or anything. Apparently she tosses and turns a lot in her sleep, but more interesting was the fact that Pinkie was handsy on occasion, which was a point brought up by Twilight.

“Why don’t one of you sleep on the couch and you can just rotate?” I asked drolly, pointing to the damned thing.

Applejack blushed and scratched her neck, Pinkie smiled, and Twilight frowned. “No Mare willingly sleeps on a couch if there’s another option.”

“Tartarus, Twi, don’t be a nag about it. I’ll sleep on the couch, so don’t sound so snappy.” Applejack said, shaking her head.

Twilight frowned and sighed. “ I guess that makes more sense than being foalish about it. Sorry, Applejack.”

“Don't think nothin’ of it, Twi.” Applebottom- jack said.

I scratched the scarce stubble on my face because I was expecting Twilight to get called out for being a snob, but then again, it’s not like it was my problem, so I didn’t devote much brain-power to the issue. “Right. So your inn was the Sleeping Giant, right?”

“Sure was!” Pinkie answered happily. “You’re just gonna go get our stuff, right?”

I checked the sky outside from the sole window in the room. “It’ll take me a bit, but yeah, I gotcha. Keep it kosher; get in, get out.”

Applejack nodded. “If ya run into any trouble-”

“I can take care of myself for the most part. I’ll be back.” I hopped out of the window and the girls gasped. I heard them race over to the sill as I was making my way down the side of the building, and when I hit the ground, I’m pretty sure I heard a ‘Holy cow!’ or two since it was only a two story building. I could be mistaken, but I like to think that I’m more dashing than I am sometimes.

With little else to do and a deadline ahead, I started jogging my way back to the heart of town because Twilight and I had actually been to The Sleeping Giant, so I was mostly just hoping that the new innkeeper didn’t tip them off to the fact that the previous guy had been killed. It didn’t strike me as though they would’ve known, but I was still a little worried about them possibly turning me in for a crime I wasn’t sure they could prove I committed in the first place. Applejack struck me as the Goody-Goody kind of Daywalker that would snitch you out for just about anything, so I figured that keeping my dealings on the quiet side was going to be my best course of action. I still had my ‘parsnips’ with me, so I started eating those and they were pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. They were a little lacking in flavour, but it was an alright snack.

The Sleeping Giant Inn had a backdoor that I couldn't hear any activity from, so I snuck my way in through there and started my side mission from there, not being seen until I was already on the third story where the girls had been staying, and I was only spotted by some disinterested Tom who couldn't be bothered to pay me any mind. Finding their room was easy, but getting their shit? Not so easy. I should’ve brought Applejack or Pinkie along with me since they could keep up, but in the end, I had to drop the girls’ bags out of their window and climb down the outside of the building to get them before a sneaky Plucker could get too close. I nearly dropped on him, but when he realized that a knife wielding maniac was standing in front of him, he quickly turned tail and ran the other way.

Other than being a little dusty, the bags of crap seemed fine, but they were fuckin’ heavy. I didn’t really like that I was having to go it alone, although I felt a little bit better when I considered how Maud would feel about me helping her sister, and I was a little more appeased when I thought of Twilight’s gratitude during the moment of the exchange. I made it out of the heart of town without picking up another tail, but there was a fellow who started following me not too far into my journey. I lost him by getting to the rooftops and making some free-running work with quite a bit of extra effort, but to was worth it to not get knifed in the back. Most creatures besides Cats and Dragons can’t really climb worth shit to be fair, so the Griffin that had been tracking me had to fly to follow, but it was already too late for him by the time he realized I was gone. The fucker touched down on the wrong roof while I watched him from the one behind him, sticking low to the ground. He turned and looked for me in the direction I actually happened to be, but by then, I was hoping that it would be too dark for him to spot me. I forgot that Griffins had fantastic eyesight day and night, but it didn’t turn out to be important since he flew back down to street level.

I got to moving again and dropped off the girls’ shit in good time, and though Twilight and Pinkie wanted me to stay and chat, I explained to them that my life would be forfeit if I didn’t get back to base in time, which was true as shit. That being said, Applejack said that we had a lot to talk about the next time we met, and I didn’t give it any thought since I was planning on Flash Facing my way out of the worst of it. Either way, I got back to base in time to not get bitched at and or killed, but when I met Maud in her room, she was gearing up for a mission.

“Evening, Mauble. You heading out for a job?” I asked cautiously.

She nodded. “Odysseus has placed a hit on three Mares who are residing in Sleeping Giant Inn. He says that they are dangerous Pony Nobles under the guise of commoners.”

“He’s lying. Go on your mission, but don’t look for those Mares, Maud. You won’t find them.” I answered calmly.

“... I will have you tell me more of this while we’re on a date.”

I nodded. “Gladly. Any jobs come in for me?”

She shook her head.

“Ah. That’s not bad, I guess.”

Maud gave me the nod and a kiss before she started to take her leave. “I will see you soon, Epidote. Be safe.”

“Will do. Take care, Mauble.” I said, watching her as she walked away.

Ill winds were blowing, and my sails were catching the worst of them, but I could deal with it. It was only a matter of time.