Jack stared up at the night sky for awhile, nursing his sore hooves. Marekind had caught him off guard this time, and it irked Jack more than he could say.
He knew The Rapist Six would be back tomorrow, probably as soon as they could get there. He had roughly twelve hours to prepare.
With an angry grunt, He drove his hoof into the dirt and pulled out a very special bottle that he had saved for just such an occasion. He popped the cap and watched the fizzing toxic substance with a toothy grin.
“You’re gonna regret this, horse. Nobody fucks Jack Marley without his say so.”
He lifted the bottle to the sky in a silent toast before slugging it back.
This is gonna be fun.
Aaaaaaand that was Jack’s last clear thought that night.
=================
Celestial raised the sun slowly, to reveal a prone body snoring loudly.
Jack lay passed-out on the front lawn, half inside one of the holes in the Swiss-cheese lawn, while empty jars, formerly full of home-brew, sat embedded in the mud around him.
Jack twitched and suddenly sprang upright with wild bloodshot eyes and a deafening yell.
”COFFEE!!!”
He twitched violently and stalked towards his house, not registering the dramatic changes that had taken place overnight.
Jack wrenched open the door and ducked under a flying sawblade as he made his way to the kitchen.
A series of land mines and trip-wires between him and the coffee pot were ignored as he automatically walked a convoluted path through the explosive gauntlet, a two-legged gait proving to be the only way one could squeeze through.
Jack smacked blindly at the machine on the counter until he finally found the pot handle and yanked it out. He held the pot up and tilted it back. A single drop of precious brown fluid fell onto his outstretched tongue.
The pot was promptly on the floor in many pieces as Jack rushed back the way he came, miraculously still not triggering any explosives.
He streaked back out the door and took off, pushing past piles of metal, tools, a large form hidden under a tarp, and finally making a running leap across the spike-filled moat that had appeared in the night.
He rolled as he landed among his bewildered would-be courtiers and took off at a breakneck pace down the hill and towards town, backhoofing Applejack as he passed. All the while chanting “coffeecoffeecoffee” under his breath.
Twilight stared after him, considered pursuing the obviously hungover, crazed stallion, glanced down at the now unconscious Applejack, and thought better of it.
She summoned a quill and paper and wrote a quick note to step lightly around Jack when he was hungover in his natural state.
Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity had come to similar conclusions, and had decided to stay put and wait for him to come back to the mess he had somehow built in one night.
Pinkie just giggled and bounced after the caffeine-starved stallion.
She reached the coffee shop just in time to see Java Jumper, the coffee-mare, get thrown out the front door.
Pinkie reached into her mane and whipped out a huge Woopie-cushion to break Java’s fall. After a moment to catch her breath, the green and white mare composed herself and thanked Pinkie Pie.
“CAFFEINATE ME!”
Pinkie looked through the open door of the Coffeeshop to see Jack dragging yet another hapless employee over the counter.
“S-sir! I’m afraid I can’t sell you anything if you don’t have the bits!”
Jack turned to an unsuspecting patron and spoke in a cold tone.
“Gimme twenty bits.”
The mare quickly forked over the fee and Jack slammed it onto the counter.
“Now give me my damn coffee!”
The trembling mare quickly filled a pitifully small cup and placed it on the counter. It took Jack all of one second to realize the problem.
“Give me all your coffee.”
“Y-you n-n-need more b-bits sir!”
Jack had just begun to turn to the crowd again when a dense rain of bits suddenly showered his hooves.
The mares of Ponyville had learned within a span of thirty seconds not to fuck with this stallion.
Especially when it came to coffee.
An hour later, a much more awake Jack trotted back up the path with a bag of coffee beans held under each foreleg.
He turned the last corner and frowned.
“Oh Goddamnit.”
Not only were Purple Horse and all her friends here, at some point during the night he had built a monstrosity outside of his house.
He groaned, slipped around the group with an annoyed expression and more or less ignored the whispered exclamations as Pinkie rejoined the huddle.
“He could be arrested for that! Couldn’t he!?”
Jack turned back to them with a raised eyebrow.
“Arrested for what, exactly?”
The group flinched, not realizing Jack had heard the comment. Twilight whirled around and started to stutter a lie before Jack cut her off.
“Don’t try it, yer a fockin awful liar. I know you lot think my habits ‘er bizarre, but which’un is illegal?”
Rarity pointed to the empty jars and blurted out an answer.
“Was there alcohol in those jars?”
Jack blinked and scowled. He didn’t like were this was going.
“Yes.”
The group suddenly advanced on him, blabbering questions on his health, how much he drank, where he got it, etc. Jack growled and threw his hoof around in a large sweep, pulling a six-mare bitch slap. Five of the six staggered back, more shocked by the fact that they were slapped than by the blow itself.
Twilight, however, could not be deterred.
“Stallions can’t hold alcohol!”
A chilling aura burst forth from Jack, and an evil grin split his face.
Fear swept up Twilight’s spine as a sudden... devilishly humored gaze swept over her.
“Oh really? Care t’ make a little wager then?”
Twilight, realizing she may have just unleashed a devil in pony form, shrunk back from the evil look, but nodded hesitantly. Jack grinned maniacally and chuckled under his breath.
“Pace yer strongest drinker against me, and we slug back our gin ‘til someone drops or dies. I drop first, and I’ll never drink again. Do we have a deal?”
Jack held out his hoof for that sealing hoofshake. Twilight looked back to her friends for a moment, asking silently if any of them were up to the task.
Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy shook their heads vigorously. Rainbow and Applejack looked confident however.
Reassured and smiling, Twilight grasped his hoof and shook it.
“We agree!”
Jack grinned and slammed his back hoof down. With a crack, a rough square of stone burst from the ground and rose to table height.
Twilight was awestruck by the sheer mastery of Earth pony magic Jack seemed to possess. She had read about others who could do something similar, and a few mares could swim through the earth like Jack, but his nonchalant ease while doing it was unheard of.
Jack laughed at their amazed faces as he carved the stone slab with his bare hooves into a table with practiced ease.
“Step one in surviving a world populated by horny women: Learn to run real fast, punch real hard, or master somethin’ overpowered.”
Jack stepped back from the finished table and flashed another toothy grin to the mares.
“I’ve learned all three, bitches. I’m a focking earth bender.”
Applejack shook her head in disbelief but flashed a confident grin and stepped up to the table.
“Daylight’s a wastin’, let’s get this going, Jack.”
Jack’s smile quickly turned sour as it descended into a scowl at Applejack’s bravado. He huffed and sank into the ground, presumably to retrieve some alcohol.
A minute later he surfaced again, a half-dozen jars of clear liquid tucked under one hoof, two shot glasses in the other.
“Let’s get this over wit’,” he spat.
He slammed down the jars and poured the two shots in a flash. Applejack’s slid over to her with a flourish, and they began.
What followed was certainly one of the longest documented drinking contests in Equestrian History. And it was against a stallion, no less.
The spectators had started to feel nauseous just by watching the pair repeatedly slug shot after shot of illegally high concentrations of alcohol.
Now several hours later, Jack glared down his thoroughly hazed opponent with a perfectly steady gaze, despite the literal gallons of moonshine he had downed. Both of them had taken more than one piss break when Jack inevitably had to retrieve more of his brew.
Applejack knew she was in trouble, the unnaturally collected stallion that had locked his bloody-eyed stare onto her own emerald gaze the entire contest was still just playing with her despite the frankly toxic liquor they had both been chugging.
AJ’s alcohol resistance was much larger than the others, mainly because her family brewed cider in massive amounts for special occasions and holidays, but she had never tasted or heard of a brew that was this potent or painful.
Eventually, all things end, and that’s what happened as the sun began to disappear behind the horizon.
AJ tried to lift yet another glass of the poisonous fluid to her lips, but made the mistake of staring into the almost viscous liquid.
Jack visibly smirked around his drink as Applejack paled, turned green, turned back to pale, and finally slammed her face into the table, out cold.
Twilight and the others jerked from their daydreaming with expectant smiles that quickly dropped into horror at the victor.
Jack collected the large pile of empty jars and dumped it into one of the holes in the lawn, blatantly ignoring the shell shocked mares with a smug grin.
He then quickly advanced on Applejack and grabbed her by the tail. Fluttershy winced as AJ’s head smacked the ground and her throughly intoxicated body was dragged over to them.
Jack dropped Applejack at Fluttershy’s feet and leaned over to whisper in the pegasus’s ear. She blushed at his closeness but listened and nodded when he stepped back.
Jack cast a frustrated eye on the rest of the mares, particularly Twilight, and went to raise a hoof in their direction, only to stop and stare at it. He clicked his tongue and turned to leave, forehooves crossed behind his head.
Twilight just barely heard him mutter, “Wish I still had fingers.”
She cocked her head in confusion at the foreign term, but noted it for later when Jack spoke up again.
“Oi, get off my property. I won this fockin’ long-ass contest, so you can’t bother me about m’drinkin’ anymore.”
Twilight slumped down for a moment, but suddenly perked up and smiled.
“Jack? You, uh, didn’t actually say we couldn’t bother you about it. You just said that if you lost, you would never drink again, right?”
Twilight shielded herself with magic just in case Jack suddenly threw something, but his response caught her off guard.
Jack groaned and facehooved angrily.
“Shiiiiiiite...”
Twilight puffed out her chest and swaggered just a bit as she walked closer to him.
She was just a bit smug that she had made a small victory over Jack after he had humiliated all of them just the day before.
“So, while there isn’t technically a law against stallions drinking, there’s nothing keeping us from taking your alcohol, is there?”
Jack chuckled and looked over his shoulder at her.
“Well, I would’n say nottin’...”
Twilight blinked as he abruptly dove into the ground, alcohol following a moment later, and burst out again in a shower of dirt on the other side of the moat.
He laughed and swaggered more than ever over to the covered object in the middle of the lawn.
“Ya see, purple horse, I’m not from around ‘ere, as ye’ might have guessed.”
Jack stopped and turned back to them, a wicked grin splitting his head.
“But where I’m from, we have the perfect machine to keep our moonshine away from the law. Lemme’ introduce you to a friend of mine...”
Jack whipped off the tarp, revealing a massive machine painted a bright orange, a black and white 01 painted on the side. Jack laughed evilly as he took a fancy jump and slid inside.
“The 1969 Dodge Charger! Better known as General Lee!”
Twilight had enough common sense to teleport out of the way as the infamous machine roared to life and lunged towards her. A ramp formed before the moat and the car cleared the gap as if it was made for it.
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack and flew her away while Rarity fainted onto a mysteriously summoned couch. Pinkie Pie hopped to safety, produced a white cowboy hat and a fat cigar, and was shaking a hoof at the fleeing car as Twilight looked on in confusion and awe.
A slip of paper floated through the air and landed at her hooves. Twilight picked up the paper scrawled upon in what could only be Jack’s hoofwriting.
“Someday the mountain might get me but a purple whorse never will!
~Jack”
P.S.- Fuck you