8-21-12
Had a pretty good day today.
Woke up early, since I’m a very punctual pony. As I woke up, my mind kept battling back and forth, telling me that she’d never fall for me. I questioned why I was going. I questioned everything. In the end, I realized I was going to be a friend. At least, that’s what I’d like to say. Truth is, I went over there to see her again. I settled for accepting the whole “Friendship” thing, but honestly, I just want to be with her. I know it’s strange. I know I don’t stand a chance, but simply being around her makes me feel good. I can be myself around her. My mind doesn’t constantly battle itself. I want her...but I know better than to go for it.
Anyways, I headed over to Fluttershy’s cottage, knocked. There wasn’t an answer, so I was rather perplexed. But then, I heard a soft, sweet melody from the pasture. I followed the source of the sound to find Fluttershy singing to her animals. She has the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard...
Anyways, I came up to introduce myself, and scared her half to death. After we fixed everything, letting her know it was me and yadda yadda yadda, we worked on gathering flowers and berries and such. I told her she had a beautiful voice, and she was very hesitant to accept the compliment. I wonder where I’ve noticed that before. Anyways, she tried to shy away from recognizing singing and focus more on animals, which seem to be her talent in life. She’s always so eager to talk about them, yet almost refuses to talk about herself publicly, like she doesn’t want that kind of attention. I still persisted in telling her she had a beautiful voice.
After we finished, it was rather late in the afternoon, so we went inside. To avoid being a bad guest and staying too long, not to mention avoiding social blunders by staying longer than was wanted, (Since I can’t pick up on these things) I bid her adieu and tried to leave. She stopped me, asking if I was leaving. I returned it by asking if she wanted me to stay. Using her diplomatic way I’ve noticed with her, she insisted that if I wanted to, it would be more than ok. So, of course, I stayed inside, chatting up the mare I’ve secretly developed an affection for.
After I provoked her into talking about herself, she really opened up. Eventually, she went off about how she doesn’t think her friends spend enough time with her. This bothered me, so I pressed the issue. Apparently, she feels like she has to wait to be invited, or stumble upon her friends. She just wants to hang out. She wants friends, wants to spend time with them, but doesn’t quite know how to go about getting it. She’s far too diplomatic to simply ask for things. I can respect that.
Without thinking, I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime. Almost immediately after I said it, I realized I didn’t mean for it quite to come out that way. It sounded so bold...not good for my social security. Luckily, she said yes. Somehow, I got lost in her eyes, and she asked me if I was ok. I said “Yeah. I just really like your eyes.” when I realized I slipped again. At this rate, I might as well tell her I’m falling for her. But there’s too much to lose for that. I just...can’t. Doing so runs the risk of losing her, which I can’t stand the thought of.
Anyways, she blushed (Which is just the cutest thing ever) and looked away, to my dismay, smiling. She then thanked me, saying that she’s never heard that before. That slightly upset me. So I told her I didn’t believe her. Apparently nopony other than her friends and I notice anything.
“I find that hard to believe. You’re far too...” I started, before stopping, realizing I was about to tell her how beautiful she was, which would compromise our relationship. She finished my sentence “...reclusive, I know.”
I could breathe a sigh of relief after that. So that’s when I told her it upset me. “Because they’re one of the things I really like about you.” I said, slipping again. I guess when you really like somepony, you tend to accidentally tell them things. Then this part happened, which is a little odd to me.
“You like me?” she asked. I could see a sense of wonder in her eyes, almost like she was expecting a “Yes” from me. But I couldn’t tell her that. I wanted to say yes, so very badly, because I do. I like her so, so very much. Yet, staying silent would tell her that, so I had to think of something on the fly. I settled for telling her that anypony who doesn’t like her is a moron. Nopony really says moron anymore. After I said that, she looked away, sadly. I asked her if she was ok, trying to get an answer out of her I’ve been wondering for the past few days. She still looked away, so I had to do something. If she did like me, it’d be a sign. If not, just another gesture. So...I put my hoof under her chin and tilted her face to me. The physical contact was thoroughly exhilarating. I don’t know why. I’ll get to that later.
As I looked deep into those gorgeous blue eyes I loved, I told her that I always looked forward to seeing her. She smiled, that sense of wonder flooding back into her eyes. Then, for whatever reason, I decided to forget my social boundaries, and I...hugged her. I actually hugged her. Just the feel of her cheeks against mine, so soft and warm, made me melt. I held on to her for about a minute before I released it. Before I left, we made an arrangement to shoot for 9 tomorrow, meeting up.
As always, there’s conflicting thoughts in my head. However, there are more good things this time than bad. Most of those good things revolve around touching her. Just...she’s so soft. And gentle, kind, caring, loving, warm...and she smells good. When I put my hoof to her chin, to see those eyes, I got a sense of butterflies in my stomach, like when something catches you so off guard in a good way. Almost immediately, romantic images flooded about in my head and I wanted to kiss her so, so very badly...those eyes...I would do anything for them. Just so deep blue and full of life, wonder...they just...I melt for them. I know it was just the slightest touch, and it probably won’t mean anything in the long run, but it really gave me a boost of confidence, evident in the fact that I hugged her later. That hug...
I could go on forever about that hug. I was half expecting her to release the hug at some point, but I’m the one that actually had to break it off. She was just so warm...soft...just the contact that our cheeks made made me the happiest colt in the world right there. I know it’s just a simplistic motion, just a simple act of physical contact...but it means so much to me.
I’ve never had a lot of physical contact in my life, yet, that’s the way I determine my relationship with somepony. I hug my mom and dad constantly, demanding a lot of physical contact from them. I haven’t told them exactly why, but just the act of touching makes me feel good. I’ve gone my life for so long without wanting to be touched. In middle school, ponies would simply refer to me as “It”. They would do all they could to avoid me. I once borrowed a pen from somepony. When I tried to return it, they simply looked at it with disgust (Which was clearly apparent) and told me I could keep it. I kept getting that same feel for the rest of my life. I guess that’s why I psychologically look forward to physical contact, and when I got it from a mare I’ve developed a severe crush on, it made my life. She was so soft and warm...and I know I’ve said that before, but it’s important. Just the thought of any hug from an attractive mare turns me on, (Not in that sense) and she was the perfect pony to do it. I want her...I...I like her a lot. I won’t say it’s love yet, but I like her a lot.
Anyways, I’d better end this babble and get to bed. Found this journal entry from back in middle school I’ll staple on. I have to meet Fluttershy tomorrow.
Meeting the mare of his dreams,
Trey
4-29-08
I’m still kind of childish. I have some childish habits I continue to observe. I still sleep with a doll I had since early childhood and a few other bean bag animals. I think I was 14 when I stopped sleeping with “Blankie” and my childish sense of humor will probably last me my life. Maybe it’s just the naivety. Sometimes I want to cry or kill myself due to this childish stupidity. Will I ever grow up? This might be why I’ll never get a date in real life, much less want one.
While I’m on the subject of dates, or marriage, morerather, even if I did get that far, I’m not so sure I could have sex. I just couldn’t carry through with it. Due to my past, I’d probably freeze up, maybe even lose the mood or cry. And as funny as that sounds, that’s probably what would happen. I could act all macho on the outside, but on the inside, I’m a crying child searching for a purpose, a child with no courage to get over his past, and sure as HELL no courage to not let it affect his daily life. I’m kind of a coward. And I always will be. Maybe I’m overreacting, but perhaps sex is overrated.
Most likely wrong as always,
Trey
6-17-09
I wish I had the balls to do stuff, but with my history, I just would think I’m hurting her...regardless of what was happening. I’m just paranoid that way. She could touch me...but I just couldn’t touch her...as much as I would like to...and as much as SHE would want me to. For some reason, I think that every little thing I do pushes ponies away from me. Just hanging around, talking, touching...it never ends.
Still low on self esteem,
Trey
7-19-09
I’m slowly learning to accept little aspects of myself. I’ve lost ten pounds since dropping one of my meds.
I helped Dribble out the other day. Instead of cutting herself, she called me, because I would actually listen to her. I wouldn’t talk AT her, but TO her. Made me feel good.
My sexual urges have gotten stronger, I notice. I’m looking at porn as much as I used to.
My relationship urges have gotten stronger as well. I’d like to hug a mare, kiss her, make her feel special, loved, wanted...or herself...but my mind is pretty set, I’m waiting for college. Relationships just might be more serious there. I’m not the type to jump around. Maybe my lack of daringness is my fault in the matter. Perhaps I just suck. Maybe my mind isn’t “In the game”. Either way, I’m not finishing my race to the goal. I want a sweet, lovable mare who’s as damaged as me. Somepony somewhat dependant, but knows what they’re doing. In college, ponies are older, and might be what I’m looking for. Somewhat reclusive, different, and funny...like me...
And now I’m ending this mindless drivel to go to bed. Church in the morning. Good night!
Church later!
Trey
7-21-09
Mother had me do assorted projects around the house today. I had to clean out an old closet. While doing so, I found an old box of all my school projects from elementary school. I found a poetry book from fourth grade, and I got sad, thinking “This is what I used to be...the happy, gay, carefree foal. Now I’m a self-malicious being. What happened?” She happened. My past happened. But some of the poetry entries involved caretakers, people with an eye out of one socket...I’ve always been a gore-loving freak, I suppose. Only in movies, not in real life.
I was still depressed in elementary. I got sent to the counselors quite often. I wrote a few suicide notes, got caught every time...one time, the class needed to make dolls of some sort. Two ponies. I made four, I think. Maybe three. I made 1/2 ponies, and an angel and devil doll. Somepony asked me what they were, and I told them. I don’t know why I made them, making temptation vs. good the battle between the pony(s). I guess I scared them because I got sent home later. To this day, I don’t know what I did. I used to beat my head on desks, a wood fence one time, I cried occasionally, already had a mortal enemy, was always picked last for quite a few things, wasn’t well liked, didn’t have many friends, and was just a generally weird foal. I haven’t had much of a life of fitting in. I’ve had a generally morbid and sad life.
Then: Gore-lover, depressed, suicidal, weird, impulsive, self-harming.
Now: gore-lover, depressed, suicidal, weird, impulsive, ex-self harmer, prefers cemeteries over other places...
sigh...I guess I’m still the sad foal I always was...
My grandfather will die soon. He’s old. Since I’m a creature of habitual nature, I just can’t stand to think he’ll be gone soon. I get emotional easily. And with those I love, it gets harder. Hell, if one of my pets dies, I’ll be sad. But a family member? One I actually got close enough to trust, and love? And never got to say goodbye? It’ll be hard. For my parents most. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. I must stop writing. I’m about to cry thinking about it.
About to cry,
Trey