=== Shwoooshwooooshoowoooshy shwoooshy-shwoooooooooshhhhhhyesthisisthesoundofdimensionaltravelswhoooooooooshhh... ===
There was a new pony in Ponyville, appearing seven feet in the air and landing on the ground with a heavy and painful thud.
He moaned weakly, and he heard a woman's voice do the same over his own, which he couldn't hear. He felt something weird on his ears, some kind of faint rush of air. Nervously, he slowly opened one eye and found himself overwhelmed by the visual information it received, eye snapping shut. He moaned in pain again, and that woman's voice, it graced his ears in place of his own.
Eyes shut, collapsed on his chest, he sucked a breath in and tried to get up, only to find himself toppling over onto his back, his whole body feeling clumsy and... fast. Faster than it should have been, and far lighter.
Slower, this time, he opened his eyes. He saw the world through large eyes, seeing too much at once, but he found himself slowly getting used to the increased angle of vision. If he pretended he was in a video game and he'd just messed with the FOV settings, it almost felt normal.
Looking around, he realized he'd been dropped outside Sugarcube corner. And then he noticed his hooves, kicking wildly in the air. Hooves! Four soft purple hooves, right there!
He was a pony, he realized, and there was only one thing he could do in this scenario: Panic, and pass out. Surely, when he'd wake up, he'd be in a warm and caring environment lovingly crafted by a wonderful pony who'd explain the plot of this fanfic to him, if it existed, and express a desire to make his ancestors proud and a little disturbed if it had none.
But he couldn't faint, he didn't know how, his head felt too big and it hurt to think, like his brain was now a high-velocity sports-car he kept crashing into walls because he was used to driving a minivan, all he could do was panic and scream as he kicked and flailed and rolled around like an idiot.
“What are you doing?” Lyra asked, and he stopped.
Lyra. Lyra! Every Brony's favourite meme character. If she was the first pony he met, this simply HAD to be a fanfic. But not just any fanfic, it was one just like the ones he used to love reading when he needed to escape from his sad reality and live vicariously through a fictional character as bland and lame as himself! He didn't even bother to notice that Lyra had a belt around her body like a set of saddlebags, a belt with six Pokeballs. He was too busy thinking about the story he was in...
And how wonderfully things would go for him. How wonderfully things just HAD to go for him. This pony would fall in love with him, he was sure, and then she'd take him to the rest of the mane six, who'd also fall in love with him! After an oddly-stilted session of dialogue in which he would speak to the Mane Six as a group, and they'd each introduce themselves and their main characteristics to the target audience in turn, of course.
He hoped he could marry Rainbow Dash and Rarity and Twilight Sparkle and most of all, and some background character he and his few brony friends knew absolutely nothing about. After all, if nothing was known about her, he was free to project everything he loved in a mare onto that character, so she'd be as good a waifu as his favorite member of the Mane Six, or maybe, even better! And if anything was wrong with his harem relationship, she'd be able to demand it be improved instead of him, so he wouldn't have to worry about the audience thinking he was too pushy or thinking she was acting out of character! And there just had to be an audience of some sort, nothing like this could happen to him unless someone else was arranging things “For the lulz”. Maybe he'd get multiple background characters in his harem, in addition to the Mane Six, so they could take turns exchanging the roles of Good Nice Patient Protective Motherly Wife and Wife With Personality depending on what he needed most in the moment! Ah, wouldn't such a relationship be wonderful?
“Lyra, you've got to help me find the mane six!” David yelled in a familiar female voice, rolling onto his forelegs and grabbing her shoulders somehow.
“Who?” Lyra asked.
“Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and the others!” He clarified.
“But... Wait, who are you?” Lyra asked suspiciously.
“My name is David Clarkson.” He said. Even if it was recognizable, his last name still wasn't important, because he was American and not related to the Clarkson from Top Cear.
She tilted her head to the side. “I'm sorry, what?” The green Unicorn asked.
Strange, that wasn't normally how these kinds of stories went. Why wasn't anypony objectifying him for his race and staring at him creepily? Whiny crazy women on his planet he sometimes listened to said people did that all the time on their planet.
Maybe he just needed to try again, and hope things worked out better. After all, if mass-market media had taught him anything, it was that success depended solely on how hard you tried and how much you deserved to succeed!
“My name is David. You can call me Dave if you want. All my friends do! Or they would, if I had any.” He said pathetically. He hoped the ponies here found him the endearing kind of pathetic. Rainbow Dash, the pony he loved because she was everything he wasn't, just HAD to pity him when she'd hear him say that. He hoped that'd mean she'd reveal her undying love for him sooner, rather than later.
“D... Day... ffff... Day filled you catcall media day... Huh?” Lyra asked, visibly struggling with his name. She had to be misinterpreting what he said, that just couldn't be his name.
Why was Lyra retarded? She wasn't supposed to be retarded. Did he end up in some stupid “Parody” Equestria where everypony was retarded? “David!” He announced, starting to get annoyed. “Forget everything in this sentence besides the name I'm about to say, which is... David Clarkson!”
“D-Day... Break, C-Cl... Cloudkicker?” Lyra tried to interpret.
“DAVID!” He announced harder.
“Daydream?” Lyra guessed, nervously backing up, causing David to fall on “His” chest and chin.
“My name is David!” David shouted, shakily getting up.
“Oh yeah? Well my real name is Harp-thooloo!” Lyra snapped, and stared at him flatly. “I can make up words too, Twilight.”
“Twilight?!” David wondered in Twilight's high voice.
His pupils shrunk, and he paused. The Convention. The Twilight Mask. That mask-seller!
It was strange, it meant someone selling magical masks of teleportation was just walking around in the real world, it raised far more questions than answers, and it was honestly quite stupid, but he was in Equestria, so logic was out to lunch and its annoying little brother by the name of randumb-ecks-dee had taken over in the meantime, so the stupider the answer to all of this was, the more likely it was to be true. That would also explain why he felt so light, and why all his stuff was gone.
“I'm Twilight Sparkle?!” David asked, looking himself over. He tried to look back at his tail, but that only meant walking in a circle, instinct taking over to help him with walking in a circle like a dumb dog.
Why wasn't he wearing clothes? Why wasn't he naked, but still covered in weapons anyway? He could deal with losing his armour, but where were his weapons?
He kept walking in a circle. His Duel Disk shouldn't have counted as a weapon, if this was some kind of no-weapons universe. It contained an awesome deck with many fake cards, and, and it was a card-holder, for playing a card game! Would it function like it did in the anime, in this world? Would some weird Shadow Game/Power of Friendship magic activate and make his monsters real? Was that too dangerous for this world?
Pokeballs! His Pokeballs, where were they? He'd never decided exactly what they should hold, did that mean they'd be empty Pokeballs, mind-controlling tools of slavery that just couldn't exist in a world like Equestria?
And why, why was he ONLY Twilight? Why wasn't he a fusion of all the different characters he'd dressed himself up as? Why was he utterly disarmed, completely naked, and in the female body of... It might have been because of the mask, sure, but it might have also been because some things simply couldn't exist in certain universes. Maybe reality existed as a series of simulations in different servers, and some items and item types were banned, and some items could only exist if the server's creator successfully installed that item as a mod...
He stopped turning in a circle when he noticed Lyra's horn was glowing with a sharp cheese-like yellow light, and a legless humanoid figure was floating now beside her, like a golden Greek sculpture of a rather buff man with chiselled features and curled hair. “So what's your REAL name, Changeling?” She asked, her eyes narrowing. The figure grabbed one of her Pokeballs and tossed it into the air, magical prismatic light spilling out and converging into the form of a Lucario lazily lying on the ground, like a cat. A cat who, upon noticing the look on Lyra's face, hopped to her feet-paw-things and settled into a basic Karate stance, aimed right at the purple pony David had become.
"IS THAT A LUCARIO?!" David gasped gleefully. Before MLP, he was a massive Pokemon nerd, especially during his formative years. He still remembered the hype he felt when waiting for Diamond and Pearl, and the sheer awe he felt the first time he saw a Lucario.
"Answer my question!" Lyra yelled.
“I, uh... I thought we were on good terms with Changelings now.” David said nervously.
“Most of them,” Lyra admitted. ”But some of them have a pretty backwards idea of is and isn't ok when it comes to pranking.”
“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I was just pranking you!” David declared with faux confidence and certainty. “I was only pretending to be retarded!”
“Re-what now? Stop making up words, Changeling!” She snapped, and the golden figure floated a step forwards, its stony face forcefully contorting itself into an expression of anger.
“I'm a human, like that thing!” David yelled. “...Kind of! Ok, look, here's the story, I went to a convention, and I met this mask-seller, who sold me a Boltgun and Chainsword and he threw in a Twilight mask for free, and I put it on and I got teleported here as a pony, and-”
“Yeah, right.” Lyra said doubtfully, and the golden figure picked him up with one arm, like he was some kind of purse dog. “Everypony knows humans don't have magic.”
“Uh... Discord did it! That mask-seller must have been Discord!” David guessed fearfully.
“I don't buy it. My best friend told me there's only one way to make a Changeling un-Change.” She growled, and the golden figure raised its right hand. Slowly, right before his eyes, he curled each of his fingers into his palm to make a fist, followed by a thumb.
Was that a mother's father's Jojo's reference?
Was he about to be Ora Ora'd?!
“Yes, yes, yes, yes,” an imaginary Jotaro Kujo said in his head.
“Yes, yes, oh my god.” an imaginary Old Man Jonathan Joestar added.
“YES, OH MY GOD!” his Vinyl Scratch tulpa screeched in his ear, a near-perfect recreation of that infamous line from that classic youtube video, the one sampled in that song. You know the one.
“I'm kidding! Or foaling, I guess! Foaling around!” He screeched in panic, and the golden figure lowered its fist. ”My real name is, is, uh...” He said, and paused.
What bug parts did he know of? Besides Thorax? None. And he only knew of Thorax because he could remember some old cartoon using the term in the same way the Transformers cartoons used the term Afterburner.
He needed a new fake name, but one that was actually a term for something. What surface-level nerdy media did he actually know of? Pokemon? Naruto? Game of Thrones? He saw Deadpool and Justice League and they were his favourite films of all time ever. And Ready Player One, he hadn't seen that but he was sure he'd love it when he saw it. “Pikachu?” He guessed, and realized his mistake too late.
“That's a Pokemon name." Lyra pointed out, unimpressed.
“Ash!” He decided.
Lyra visibly recoiled in disgust. He was tempted to describe her reaction as a cringe, as he would have done a few years ago, but that just wasn't what that word meant any more.
“Ash is a Dragon name.” Lyra pointed out. “A really bad Dragon name. And no Changeling mother would give her son a name like that!”
Curses, his shallow passing knowledge of surface-level stereotypically 'Nerdy' media had failed him once again! Maybe his equally-shallow passing knowledge of music could save the day!
“You mean Anchovies? Not a real word!”
“Uh...” He said nervously, and remembered a meme he saw a week ago. Someone gave some shotgun in TF2 an inappropriate name. ”Kurt Cobain!”
“Sigh, why are you so bad at this?” She asked aggressively, pronouncing the word sigh in a way that would have infuriated him, if the two of them were human.
“Really?” She asked doubtfully.
He didn't want to be called Daft or Punk. “No, Metallica!”
“Axel Rose!” He shouted, starting to cry. “My name is Axel Rose, and I don't know who sent me here or why I look like Twilight Sparkle!”
Lyra's horn stopped glowing and her golden figure vanished, dropping him. “You aren't a Changeling.”
A grand piano fell on his head, knocking him out and shocking Lyra. Another piano fell on her head, knocking her out.
About seventy feet above them, an airborne Derpy Hooves was carrying a stack of three boxes, a third and fourth piano precariously balanced atop her stack. She reluctantly looked down, and saw that the pianos she'd just dropped had fallen upon on not one pony, but two ponies! She quickly dropped everything else, rushing off to get Twilight, everything she'd dropped falling onto David.