//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Trains, Tesseracts, and Alicorns // by Captain_Hairball //------------------------------// Ardent Roan lifted the next page of her manuscript and adjusted her reading glasses. The menacing stallion cast his mask aside, revealing himself as Dashing Scoundrel! “Sorry I took so long, my sweet. The palace guards were more alert than usual,” he said with a roguish grin. “I was afraid I’d lost you!” wailed Hidden Steel, throwing herself into the forelegs of her beloved. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, now, my sweet.” And he leaned down to kiss, her, pressing his hot tongue in between her half-open lips and running it across hers, making Steel gasp with… No, that was going on too long. Ardent Roan tapped her chin with a hoof and carefully lifted some of the words off the page with her magic, tossed some into the trash can next to her, and set the rest to one side, leaving them to hover in the air while she removed a second phrase. She set all of them back down in a new order, adding or removing a few words here and there. She read the passage again. The menacing stallion cast his mask aside, revealing himself as Dashing Scoundrel, Hidden Steel gasped and threw herself into the forelegs of her beloved, holding back tears as his mouth closed over hers. “Sorry I took so long,” he said, breaking the kiss. “The palace guards were more alert than usual.” “I was afraid I’d lost you!” wailed Steel. “No, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, now, my sweet,” he replied with a roguish grin. That was better. It was a shame to lose the blow-by-blow description of the kiss, but there were plenty of those in the novel already, and this scene really wasn’t the time for it. Her editor Cerulean would no doubt be into her about comma splices again, but that was his job, not hers. She yawned, and stretched, and glanced at her office wall clock. “Oh, come on,” she hissed, hopping out of her chair and scooping up her scarf, her saddlebags, and her suitcase with her magic. She was going to miss her train! Time to get out of the head of Ardent Roan and back into the head of Twilight Velvet. Velvet hurried down towards the front door, struggling to wrap her scarf around her neck, her suitcase clattering on the stairs behind her. She’d had an hour to kill, and with Night Light out of the house she’d thought she could at least get some self-editing in, but as usual when she was writing she’d lost track of time and now she was going to be late. She paused at the door, considering going back for her manuscript, but decided against it. She’d feel antsy being in the Crystal Empire for a week without being able to work on it, but the thought of her children or her daughter-in-law stumbling upon it filled her with dread. She knew Twilight was an Ardent Roan fan but hadn’t made the connection to her mother yet. She’d recognize the writing style immediately. As far as she knew Shiny didn’t read romance novels and Cadence didn’t read anything, but it still wasn’t worth the risk. She kicked this morning’s newspaper out of the way and swung the door open with her magic to find a tall pink alicorn standing on her porch, hoof half-raised as if about to knock on the door. Velvet and Cadence both yelped in surprise and hopped half a step back. “Oh! Um, Hello! Hi! Your Highness!” Cadence lowered her hoof. “Cadence, please, Mrs. Sparkle. You’re family. You can call me that.” She grinned awkwardly. “So, um, to what do I owe the pleasure? I didn’t even know you were in Canterlot,” said Velvet. A chilling breeze flitted in through the door. She’d need her coat. “I flew in for an emergency meeting.” Cadence glanced down at the newspaper and levitated it up to Velvet’s eye level. Tesseract Storm Continues to Wrack Hyperspace. Principality Transit Authority Restricts Teleportation Until Further Notice. “Oh,” said Velvet. “Is Twilight here?” Cadence shook her head. “Cutie Map mission.” “Ah. Okay,” said Velvet, feeling a little disappointed. She hoped her daughter could make it up to the Empire for Hearth’s Warming. “So… is there something… I can help you with?” “Actually, since I can’t teleport back home, and there’s a snowstorm scheduled that’s going to make flying rough, I was wondering if I could get a train with you?” Twilight Velvet hesitated. “I’m about to miss mine, actually. I don’t know if there’s time to get you a ticket.” Cadence smiled. “So you’re on the 11:45 to Vanhoover and the Crystal City? Hold on, let me call ahead. They’ll hold it for me.” Twilight Velvet gulped. “Oh, no, please don’t go to the trouble, if I miss it I can just…” Cadence closed her eyes, and her horn glowed. She was silent and still for about a minute and a half, leaving Velvet standing awkwardly in her door, thinking about what standing around with it open so long was going to add to her heating bill. At last Cadence’s eyes snapped open and her bright smile returned. “There. They’re holding it fifteen minutes. That gives up plenty of time to get down to the station. I’ll hail us a cab.” “Great,” said Velvet, trying to force a smile. “That’s just great.” ✭☆✭☆✭☆✭ Silence reigned as their carriage rattled down the cobblestone streets of the capital towards the train. When traffic was moving at all. Mountain fortresses didn’t make for straight roads or smooth traffic flow, and Twilight Velvet really didn’t think fifteen extra minutes were going to be enough. It would have been faster to walk — the stairs between Buckington and Caltrop Streets and in Boltaway Plaza made almost a straight line from her house to the station. But she supposed princesses weren’t expected to walk. Fight monsters and save the world, sure. Walk? No. Another advantage of walking would have been that they’d have been too out of breath to have to worry about small talk. That would have at least waited until the eight-hour train ride to the Crystal City. “So,” said Velvet, turning to the one thing they had in common. “How’s Shiny doing?” “Oh, you know. He’s keeping busy. Fixed Fortifications and Dress Parade have started letting him come to staff meetings, so that’s good. Oh, and he’s started writing a military history of the Crystal Empire. Doing a lot of interviews, reading a lot of old books, things like that.” Velvet tried not to grind her teeth. Her son had been a soldier once. Captain of the guard. He’d had a bright future ahead of him. Now… well, she was proud that he’d married well. Certainly, he wasn’t ever going to want for anything. But what was he but a glorified concubine? Maybe he was happy that way. It sounded like the leaders of the Crystal Legions were starting to accept him more, and if he’d really taken a literary turn, then that was quite exciting. Though exactly how she’d broach the topic with him without revealing her own background was a conundrum. “Have you, um, seem much of Twilight?” said Cadence. “You’d think we’d see more of each other, but our paths don’t cross that much.” Velvet shook her head sadly. “No, she’s very busy these days. I mean, we all are, really.” Cadence nodded. “So true.” And another thing: if Shiny did have to marry a princess — which again, she was very proud that he’d been able to pull that off — couldn’t he have picked a more interesting one? Admittedly Celestia and Luna were a bit old for him. But still. Cadence was nice. The people loved her. She was very brave and very kind. She was just… shallow. Shallow was the word she was looking for. What you saw was what you got, with this one. It was a terrible thing to say about anypony, but it was true — Cadence was shallow. Velvet made a careful note not to use that word out loud, in any context, around her daughter-in-law. The carriage jerked up and down suddenly as it hit a small pothole. “Darn these Canterlot roads,” said Cadence, smoothing her ruffled feathers. “There are a lot of them, aren’t there? At least that one was fairly shallow.” Harmony darn it, Velvet. ✭☆✭☆✭☆✭ Crowds parted around them as they entered the station. Canterlot Station was magnificent — a fairly new building that nonetheless perfectly captured the spirit of classical unicorn architecture. Elegant columns and spiral staircases in white marble and gold leaf surrounded the central plaza where hundreds of ponies stood in line to buy tickets or waited for their trains. She glanced up at the big board over the far side of the atrium, which showed arrivals and departures on automagical tiles, and found “delayed” next to the 11:45 train to Crystal City. An aching lump of guilt formed in Velvet’s throat — a soreness near the top of her chest, between mouth and heart. She did not deserve this sort of special treatment! Nopony did! She watched the way ponies parted for Cadence as she walked in front of her towards Platform N. Cadence didn’t even thank them — she was accustomed to it. Was that how Twilight acted these days? That’s certainly not how Velvet raised her to be. A conductor and the station manager met them at the platform, both trembling visibly as they bowed. “Your Highness, I’m afraid we don’t have a private car available for you on this train,” said the station manager, still kneeling. “We can attach one, but it will take at least an hour to…” “Oh gosh, it’s fine! Get up, get up! I can sit in a regular seat like everypony else!” “Are you sure, Your Highness?” “Oh, I don’t mind at all! Do you mind, Mrs. Sparkle?” Everyone was looking at Velvet. She gulped. “Oh, no, that was what I was expecting, actually.” A ‘regular seat’ turned out to be first-class. A padded bench all to herself, with a table in between her and Cadence. Velvet could have gotten quite a bit of writing done on the trip if she’d brought her manuscript. Three train attendants brought them coffee and madeleines and blankets, and the engineer came by to make sure that everything was okay. Once the attention had cleared, Velvet took a bite of a madeleine. It tasted like pure butter and sugar and melted like ice cream the second it hit her tongue. Maybe traveling with a princess wasn’t so bad. The whistle blew. The train began to move. Velvet looked out the window until the train left the city and headed out over the cliffside towards the valley. Not that the entire Canter River Valley being laid out like before her like a lovingly constructed model wasn’t breathtaking, but the thought of the two-thousand-foot drop down the mountainside made her just a teensy bit queasy. She looked across the table at Cadence and found her smiling benignly at her. “Um, hi,” said Velvet awkwardly. “I’m sorry. I was just watching you,” said Cadence. “I like watching ponies. I’m sorry if it’s creepy, I just…” She shrugged. “I like watching them.” Velvet could actually understand that. Some novelists, like Straight Whiskey, A.K. Yearling, or Four Legs Good went out and had amazing adventures to write about. Others, like Ardent Roan, preferred research and eavesdropping. Speaking of books… “So,” she said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s going to be a long ride. Do you mind if I read for a while?” “Oh, not at all!” said Cadence. “I brought a book, too.” Velvet’s relief was palpable. Eight hours of awkward conversation with an in-law would have been more than she could bear. They could talk later. She fished The Ponyponesian War and her reading glasses out of her saddlebags. She found her place, then glanced up over the top of the book, curious to see what the least intellectual of princesses read. Her heart stopped. The princess was holding a hoof-thick mass market paperback with the name “Ardent Roan” emblazoned across the top of the cover in silver block capitals. Her hoof was over the cover art, but she could see that it was the red one. Oh mother of whores, why did it have to be the red one? That one had all of Ardent Roan’s hallmarks — the bisexual heroine, the incest (flagrant and deliberate in this case, not accidental as it usually was), the hundreds of pages of over-written sex scenes — plus the scene with the diamond dogs. Oh, that scene with the diamond dogs! Why had she pushed to keep it? Why had her editor agreed? “I love these books,” said Cadence, noticing Velvet’s stare. “I know they’re trashy, but I just can’t help myself!” Trashy. That was putting it mildly. “I don’t really read that sort of book,” said Velvet. It was a preposterous lie; there were three romance novels in the bottom of her saddlebags. Cadence nodded and began to read. Velvet found her place again. “Do you like the classics?” said Cadence. Velvet felt the first pulse of a headache deep in her skull. Why could some ponies not go five minutes without talking? She took a deep breath, determined to maintain a calm exterior. “I’ve read shallowly on the topic. I’ve always been interested in history. The early Principality is my favorite period, though.” All of which was true. What she didn’t mention was that she’d heard of the Thoroughbred Band, and an army of pegasus stallions who fought as pairs of lovers, and decided that this subject needed further fictional exploration. Cadence nodded. “Luna and Celestia did a great deal to make Equestria the peaceful and prosperous nation it is today.” Something about Cadence’s emphasis interested Velvet. “I’m impressed that they chose to keep the title of princess, rather than become queens,” she said. “It led to the liberties the citizens of Equestria still enjoy today.” Twilight Velvet’s heart began to feel light. Was the Princess of Love, the Satrap of the Crystal Empire, a secret democrat? “Some might say too many liberties,” said Cadence. Velvet sighed internally. No. No, she was not. “You don’t think ponies are fit to govern themselves?” asked Velvet, nervously testing the waters. “Oh. My. Gosh. Do not get me started.” Cadence glanced around the car. The fellow passengers were being very careful not to look at them. Cadence got up and sat next to Velvet. “Do you mind if I bitch about work for a minute?” Velvet closed her book reluctantly. “Please. Do,” she said with a total lack of sincerity. “Okay, you know how many things have been going wrong lately? Celestia barely being ready for Nightmare Moon’s return. Discord. Tirek. Chrysalis nearly conquering Canterlot. Tempest actually conquering Canterlot?” Velvet froze. Was this some sort of bizarre test of loyalty? What was she supposed to say? “The problem is that Celestia is totally checked out. And who wouldn’t be, after running a world power for over a thousand years? She doesn’t show it, but she’s tired.” “You… you don’t say?” said Velvet. “That’s why she raised Twilight and me.” Cadence shrugged. “I do my best, but I’m in charge of the Crystal Empire now. And Twilight is just… she’s so smart, but being smart isn’t the only thing a leader needs, and… Oh. Wait. I’m sorry.” Velvet giggled, suddenly feeling just a tiny bit more at ease. “I’ll have you know that my daughter is a perfect little angel with no flaws whatsoever, thank you very much.” Cadence laughed and relaxed visibly. “It’s just that if she’s read a few books on a topic, she thinks she knows everything about it. But there’s so much to governing that you have to learn by doing! And Celestia, bless her heart, she just lets Twilight do her research and have adventures all the time. If she ever has to run Equestria alone? Running a country is amazingly hard! I’m lucky to get six hours’ sleep most nights.” “I worry about that, too,” said Velvet. “What about Luna?” Cadence scowled. “Luna came back from the moon with some very odd ideas. She wants the government to become smaller. Weaker. That’s why you can do drugs in public in Canterlot at night.” Cadence’s voice was taut with disapproval. Velvet didn’t know what to think about that. “Anyway,” said Cadence, risking a touch on Velvet’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to get the idea I don’t love them because I do. They’re… well, they’re literally my family. But nopony’s perfect, you know?” Velvet took a deep breath. “Maybe if you had some help.” “Well what do you mean?” said Cadence. Velvet took a deep breath and tapped her hoof on her book. She could couch this in terms of history. “The ancient Pegasopolans governed by the will of the ponies. Well, the will of the wealthiest mares, but still, some of the ponies.” Cadence gave Velvet a considering look. “Well, I don’t know. You shouldn’t talk politics with family, right? It’s all pretty complicated. I think I’ll just let you read.” Finally. And yet. Velvet watched over the top of her book as Cadence sprawled out on her bench under her blanket, and levitated up her book and a madeleine. That was more insight than she’d thought Cadence capable of. Was her flightiness an act? Or was the puddle just a little bit deeper than she’d thought? She wouldn’t have expected Shiny to marry an airhead, that’s for sure. And yet, stallions were stallions. They valued beauty over depth. And Cadence was very beautiful. Velvet ought to know — she didn’t write bisexual heroines just to shoehorn in diversity, no sir. Wait, what had she been thinking about? Velvet sighed. Who was an airhead? Maybe if she could keep her mind off of pretty mares, she’d write something besides trashy, porny romance, and she wouldn’t have to hide her writing from her family. Well. Whatever. Back to The Ponyponesian War.