Thoughtletts
Be sincere, be brief, be seated.
— FDR
April Fools day is here again, and so it is time for me to put out another collection of the little presents I leave on other stories and blog posts in the vain hope that somebody else (other than me) will find them vaguely humorous.
Enjoy!
On a discussion that broke out in the Writer’s Group about pet peeves, with one of the commenters who did not like stories that refer to ‘Luna’s Moon’
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group/thread/356178/biggest-peeves-in-fan-fiction
"Ambassador Rusk," announced the brown-coated unicorn who opened the door. "May I present Her Serene Highness, Princess Luna. Princess, this is--"
"The human who has the audacity to proclaim a visit unto my celestial orb without first begging permission from me," said Luna, quickly stuffing a few small objects underneath a shoebox on the table before standing up. "Or more correctly, the minion of the arrogant man who hath made such a proclamation. Come in, ambassador. We would have words."
"There is little to say," started Dean Rusk as he made himself comfortable in the indicated chair, with the intimidating lunar princess quite a bit nearer than he expected on the other side of the table. Although the alicorn was slightly smaller than a human, her looming presence this evening gave him a sincere case of the jitters, as if the weight of the universe actually did rotate at her will, no matter how silly that sounded. "President Kennedy was quite sincere about the United States' goal of landing a man upon the moon and--"
"Our moon," said Luna in clipped tones.
"The moon is unclaimed territory," counted Ambassador Rusk. "You cannot stop us from expanding our space exploration program into a landing. No government--"
"Our moon," said Luna with even more force. "However, you seem to be laboring under a misconception. You see, we shall not stand in opposition of your country's noble goal of visiting our moon." Luna swept the cardboard box away to reveal several small plastic spaceships with model astronauts. "Provided we accompany any such expedition."
On Estee’s blog posting about balancing sports in Equestria and Hoofball (Also a Never The Final Word - Volume 2)
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/800019/patreon-blog-takeover-if-it-was-completely-fair-it-wouldnt-be-a-competition-balancing-sports-in-equestria-and-elsewhere-dinode
The locker room for the Canterlot Cavaliers was nearly silent except for the sound of turning pages and the odd whispering as certain hoofball players attempted to sound out the unusual words on their copy of the invitation. Finally, Wind Gust closed his copy and looked around at his fellow athletes.
"Dis rulebook is too short. Dey must have broke it up into pieces, on account of it ain't got no rules for most of our plays."
"Like the Flying Piledriver," said Static Block.
"Or the Mitzocanitic Blitz Incantation," said Esoteric. "In fact, this has to be a joke. The Interdimensional League? I've never heard of it before."
"They shipped us fifty-six kilograms of .999 pure gold for a down payment," said Assay Line, the team owner, who had been lurking in the corner ever since he passed out the duplicated invites. "Substantially more is due on our arrival, and if we win all three of our exhibition games at this venue, we'll clear more net than the gross for a whole season in Canterlot." The wealthy unicorn's lips curled back in a vicious grin, reminding all of the players that he had once been out on the field just like them, and had plowed more than his fair share of opponents into the turf despite being nominally a Canterlot Royal with a pinkish coat and frilly mane. "They said it would be a lot of fun teaching a bunch of little paisley ponies how to play their game."
There was a low growl that went around the locker room, the kind that would make a full-grown lion decide on rutabagas for lunch.
"I'm in," said Heavy Impact, the quarterback, with a gap-toothed grin. "I tink we can teach them a lot too about how to play—" Heavy squinted at the cover of the instruction manual "—Bloodbowl."
From Kris Overstreet’s The Maretian, a wonderful crossover between Changeling Space Program and The Martian movie
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/396744/the-maretian
Talking about dead rovers and what it takes to keep hardware going on the Red Planet:
It just takes some creative necromancy to keep a rover going on Mars past its design life.
Pathfinder IX crouched on the side of a rocky ridge and gingerly poked a whip antenna up, up a little further, up just a touch more. And still nothing. No radio signals at all from the nearby Chinese rover, which verified that it had shut down for the Martian winter in order to save batteries and the RTG pellets in its generators for the critical task of keeping warm. Still, P9 had not survived this long in the hostile environment of Mars without caution. It slunk out from cover, darting from rock to rock, ever alert for the smallest flicker of movement. Then, when it was close enough, it pounced.
Sharp metal contacts pierced the Chinese rover's thin skin, punching down into the tender, juicy, warm batteries below, and P9 drank deeply of their delicious current, stopping only when the drained rover flopped lifelessly into the dust. Pathfinder reveled in the warmth of fresh electricity for a brief moment before taking a precautionary look around, then proceeding on its ritual. A sharp aluminum stake, taken from the high-gain antenna of a Russian sampling mission was driven deep into the Chinese rover's CPU, and one quick snip of P9's arm sheared off the still-humming RTG, which it loaded onto its back. There was a long trip back to the stone cave where it would feast while waiting out the brilliance of daylight, then it would once again be time to prowl the Martian night and hunt.
From Pedro Hander’s story on drugs and nanotech that can reshape human bodies. Sometimes, badly
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/397152/over-the-counter-sparkles
Physician's note, Patient #49675 - Animale overdose
Blood tests done at admission show concentrations of Animale far in excess of LD50, and beyond what normal tissue should be able to retain. Normally, Animale dosage in excess of LD50 amounts will simply excrete by perspiration or urinary flow, but due to a quirk in this patient's biochemistry, we suspect retention of the nanomachines interacted with the chemical cues in an unknown manner. Unfortunately, upon returning to the patient's room to extradite him/her to a secure location for further detailed examination, we discovered him/her to be missing, despite all the windows and doors being verified as sealed. The only cue to the patient's whereabouts was a six-pointed star pattern burned into the hospital sheets and the lingering scent of lilacs. It is recommended that all records of this patient's admission be deleted, and any further requests for information to be directed to Animale's public information service.
Records deleted and sealed as per request
From Fuzzyfurvert’s blog post on winter, with a picture.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/787919/merry-christmas-horsefudgers
"Sunset!" Twilight Sparkle burst into the apartment and dashed right by Sunset Shimmer, heading into the workroom that she had turned the second bedroom into. "Do you have a shotgun! Or a bazooka, that would work!"
Sunset moved to the open doorway and regarded the way Twilight had dove into the pile of spare parts and science projects that had been stored for 'repurposing' in the indefinite future. She was burrowing in much like a mad gopher, not even having taken off her coat and with both booted feet waving above her. "Twilight, I don't have any guns," she said in a calming voice, but loud enough to be heard over the sound of Twilight's burrowing.
"How about a flamethrower?" came Twilight's voice from under the pile. "We could knock one together from this flange, and these valves, but we'd need a lot of gasoline."
"No flamethrower either." She got a good grip on one booted foot and heaved, pulling the frantic teen out of the pile with a spray of radio circuit boards and wiring. "Now, what's got you in such a rush?"
Instead of Twilight, who was still panting in panic, Spike strolled up and spoke. "Remember when you two made that snowman yesterday, and you put that old silk hat on its head?"
"Yeah," said Sunset, suddenly aware of where the story was going. "Was there some magic in it?"
A bass bellow of rage split the air, shaking the window panes and making the ground shake to the tread of something truly massive and moving.
"Ya think?" Spike cocked his head to one side and regarded Sunset from the ground. "The further it travels, the more snow it picks up, so it's gotten a little biggley to just scoop apart."
"Oh. Oh!" Sunset grabbed Spike under one arm and Twilight by one hand. "Come on! Rainbow Dash's father has a snowplow on his truck, and I can hotwire it!"
Discussing the possibility that Twilight got face-sprayed by a certain Cadence product...
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/286/comedy/thread/344705/yuck
Undoubtedly, formula. In the magical land of Equestria, baby milk comes from a powder, and the other kind of milk comes from... talking cows, which is about as disturbing, I suppose. Otherwise, the foalsitting could get a little funky and PG rated.
"Thanks for foalsitting, Twilight!" Cadence kissed her fellow princess on the head and darted for the door. "Coming, dear! Hold the cab!"
"Goo, gaa, ma ma!" called out Flurry Heart, waving at her departing mother.
"Oh! Almost forgot!" said Cadence, stopping at the door and firing a spell back into the room. Twilight Sparkle was caught flat-hooved with her mouth open, and failed to dodge, but by the time she got back to her hooves, all she could hear of her sister in law was the fading voice calling out, "It's almost feeding time! Be careful, Twilight! She head-butts!"
"Feeding time?" Twilight shook her head and looked into the foal bag. "Diapers, diapers, empty bottles, EEEK!!"
While she had been distracted, Flurry Heart had snuck up on Twilight's hindquarters, allowing the adorable and strong alicorn foal to nurse on a part of Twilight's anatomy she had never really thought about using before. A larger portion of her anatomy, which was providing a solid flow of nutritious milk for her niece, as well as a new experience for the alicorn princess.
"That's... um... tickles, I suppose," said Twilight, looking down and to the back where the slobbery noises were coming from. "And feels weird. A lactation spell, I guess. Cadence could have at least warned me." Twilight smiled and blinked away a tear. "So this is what motherhood feels like."
Then, Cosmic Karma being the way it was, Flurry Heart, a little frustrated at the quality or quantity of the feeding, head-butted her right in the belly, knocking Twilight Sparkle into the ceiling.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393492/twilight-sparkle-makes-a-coltfriend-literally
From my comments in the last chapter
Twilight Sparkle considered what her friend had just said. "So, you think that an emergency room visit somehow immunizes my dates against future damages from another date?"
"Darling, it's about the only possibility that comes to mind." Rarity flipped her mane back and ran one hoof down the actuarial tables. "See. Every one of these stallions visited the emergency room only *once* and only *after* your dates."
After due consideration, Twilight put forward, "So you're thinking I should put prospective dates into the hospital first before asking them--"
"No, no, no!" said Rarity, holding a hoof to her chest. "I mean the hospital is always looking for volunteers, and if you were to lurk... I mean assist with the treatment of Ponyville residents at the emergency room, you could select your dates when they were released, instead of putting them into admittance."
"That's... correct, I suppose." Twilight Sparkle sucked on her bottom lip. "How can I be sure there will be stallions in the emergency room that I'd like?"
"Darling," purred Rarity, quietly scooting the rolling pin behind her out of sight. "I can guarantee it."
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393492/twilight-sparkle-makes-a-coltfriend-literally
From a comment where Kris Overstreet and djthomp comment on the idea that ponies could be turned into books
"Do you mean..." Twilight Sparkle could not speak any more, and just looked around at Princess Celestia's private library. Her huge private library.
"Every one of them," said Celestia. "Defeated in combat, or through a battle of wills, or one of many other methods. Their stories are their lives, and every one of them you've read have taught you important lessons to pass your own tests. I'm so proud of you, Twilight."
"Proud?" Twilight tore her eyes away from the living books and looked into the deep eyes of her mentor. "Because I found out about them?"
"No, of course not." Princess Celestia shook her head ever so slightly. "I'm proud because every test you've faced, every trial you've endured, you've never failed. Otherwise..." Those ancient pale eyes shifted, and Twilight Sparkle was unable to keep from following her gaze to a gap in the library shelves. A wide gap, colored the same lilac color as her own coat and awaiting the book which someday would reside on the shelves along with so many of its own kind.
"Do keep succeeding, Twilight," said Celestia in a very soothing tone as she nuzzled the ears of her former student. "I so enjoy the way you are now."
Twilight gets abducted by aliens and tested.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/158311/im-not-a-firefly
Knowing Twilight, she would examine the cylinder and the round hole, speculate upon their ultimate purpose, attempt to discern if the speed which one went into another was the basis of the test, or perhaps the accuracy of insertion. Maybe if the hole was just the smallest bit larger than the object, the goal was to put it through the hole *without* touching the sides, or if the cylinder were fractionally larger on one end than the other, it would stop half-way through, thus showing she was able to plug the hole, or maybe the object was fractionally larger than the hole, and was formed out of some substance that could be milled down by way of---
Bleznerk: "The subject seems paralyzed by the simple puzzle, Blortz. I thought you said it might display intelligence."
Blortz: "It has the brainspace and general stance of an intelligent creature. Er... Any idea why it is licking the test object?"
Bleznerk: "Not a clue. Dump the arboreal creature back into its tree and let's go play with the humans again. They're a lot more fun."
Bad Horse’s blog on comparisons wandered into strange territory.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/771672/bad-horses-bad-advice-avoiding-comparisons
It is said that if you dropped two identical twin Marines into a featureless room, dressed the same, with the same gear, and at the same time, they will find something to argue about. The same was true about Marines dropped into a different dimension, assigned to stand watch in front of the US Embassy to the Principality of Equestria, although they did not argue at work.
No, this kind of argument was best held at a bar.
"I tell you, Lance. Humans got it easy, and I got ten reasons." Private Murphy wriggled his fingers, then got a good grip on his crystal tumbler full of excellent local beer and took a swig. "Them ponies got their advantages, like freaky magic and wings, but homo sapiens has them all beat. What we can't do by ourselves, we make tools to do."
"You're just upset that we're not supposed to date the locals," said Lance. "And as long as I'm in charge, you're just going to have to keep your hands to creatures with hands." He looked up, or more correctly, down due to the general height difference with the locals, at a young batpony mare who was strolling in their direction. Human females were limited to a single set of hips to sway, but a slinking batpony, with shuffling wings, attracted eyes like flowers attracted butterflies.
"I couldn't help but hear the two of you talking," she purred, flowing up onto the bar stool until she was seated on Lance's lap, keeping her position by judicious use of wings and hooftips so she could look him right in the eyes. "I know something ponies can do that humans can't, no matter what tools they invent."
"Really?" Lance leaned back a little and regarded the smirking batpony. "I find that hard to believe. I took shore leave in places where you could buy anything."
The batpony smiled, and then proceeded to lick her eyebrows.
"Welp, Lance," declared Murphy, standing up and dropping a handful of bits on the table. "I'll see you back in the barracks in a few hours. Later."
From Twilight Levels Up, where she discovers the Alicorn Talent Point Tree
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/391139/twilight-levels-up
Now also in https://www.fimfiction.net/story/387377/never-the-final-word-vol-2
Later...
"I just don't understand," said Twilight Sparkle, nearly inaudible due to the amount of frosting on the cupcake. "There are so many options with leveling up, which I didn't even know was possible. I could have even picked Increased Cupcake Consumption to go up the Cake tree, which I noticed Celestia had cleared right up to the top."
"It's a mystery," said Pinkie Pie from behind nearly a dozen cupcakes crammed into her face.
Twilight stopped, then very slowly turned to her friend. "Wait a minute. I recognized some of those points as things you do. There's even an Unexplainable Precognition talent, but it's several links up the chain. How--"
"Cheat codes, duh!" Pinkie Pie finished stuffing the rest of the cupcakes into her mouth, gave a massive swallow, and bounded up onto Twilight's back. "Let me see here, since you're got a horn, this should be easy. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B--
"Ow!" Twilight winced at the hoof in the eye she had just gotten.
"--and A," she finished with a boop on the nose.
One explosion of confetti and familiar fireworks later, Twilight found herself staring at the skill tree with "Level 100' floating above her.
"Oh, nuts," she muttered when Celestia's tree flickered into life nearby. "How am I going to explain this?"
From the story No Nose Knows by Irrespective, an interesting Celestia romance that I found delightful
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/382335/no-nose-knows
“Sorry!” Wysteria offered. “You should lock the door if you don’t want me to come in unannounced.”
- * -
Wysteria came around the corner of the hall with the diplomatic missive tucked under one forehoof and reached for the door to Celestia’s chambers—
Well, it was a door. It was just not the same door she was expecting. This door was fully twelve feet tall, constructed of glimmering orchidarium with hefty bolts and reinforcing straps over a set of glowing arcane runes which fairly pulsed with the restrained power of a romantic alicorn who most certainly did not wish to be disturbed.
She looked at the diplomatic missive.
Then Wysteria looked at the massive door.
"I'll give 'em an hour, tops," she muttered, "but the next time, they can just hang a sign on the doorknob when they want to make out."
