In the time it took Twilight to return with the rest of the Mane 6, only about an hour, a grisly lawn ornament had been added to Jack’s yard.
True to his word, Jack had more firewood. The head of a Timberwolf was jammed firmly onto the top of a pole just off the walkway like some sort of strange greeting.
The group glanced at the decoration uneasily as they passed, giving the still-dripping pool of resin a wide berth.
Rainbow stared at the front door of the house, the knife from earlier still poking out menacingly.
“How crazy is this guy again?”
“Crazy enough to kill a Timberwolf with a spoon?”
Rainbow turned to Applejack after a moment of confusion. Applejack simply pointed to the rusty spoon embedded in what was left of the cranial cavity of the Timberwolf.
“Huh...”
Fluttershy stamped her hoof in a surprisingly out of character turn of anger.
“OOOH- Oh dear!”
Fluttershy seemed equally worried and angry at the killer, most likely split between fussing over whether or not they were injured, or lecturing them for killing the wildlife.
They found themselves standing on the surprisingly sturdy porch before the ominous door as Twilight went over the plan again.
“Okay girls, here’s what we know: a hysterical earth pony stallion has locked himself in this house he built himself, he’s vulgar, rude, prone to self harm, very strong, a little handsome-“
“Twilight!”
Twilight blushed and went on.
“A-and he says he doesn’t have a mare of his own, which is honestly ridiculous and impossible, which means he’s avail- I mean- vulnerable all alone here. Therefore we have to save him from himself, the Everfree, and his abysmal love life. Any questions?”
Rarity raised a hoof.
“Rarity?”
“Did he really build this house? If it isn’t his special talent I can’t imagine he did.”
The stallion in question suddenly jerked up from a drunken stupor, his skill challenged... and then promptly shrugged and collapsed back on the couch.
“It’s highly unlikely that this is anything other than a mare’s work, it’s far too put together and well made. Anything else...?”
There wasn’t any other questions, so they quickly laid out their plans. Twilight would knock on the door again, and hopefully the stallion would come willingly. If not, then the others, who would all be hidden around and, in the pegasi’s case, above the door, would jump in and restrain him.
Twilight looked at their preparations again in satisfaction. There was an extra houseplant or three on the porch, but that was hardly noticeable.
“Everypony ready?”
Whispered confirmation sounded as she took a deep breath and loudly knocked on the door.
“Go away.”
Twilight blinked in surprise at the rude reply. She looked to the others, who motioned her on.
“Uh... hey, Jack, was it?”
“What do ye want purple horse?”
Twilight turned bright red at the insult and just barely managed to stammer out her words without lacing them with anger.
“W-wha- well I-... P-please Jack, I only want to talk.”
The knife in the door suddenly quivered and withdrew, revealing a crimson eye peering out at her.
“You have five of yer friends out there, so I’m gonna say no.”
Twilight gasped before smacking a hoof over her mouth. She hung her head and waved the others out, their reactions were much the same. Rainbow looked shocked.
“Wha? How’d he know!?”
“I’m not deaf, ya pricks. You’ve been talking on my porch for the last five minutes. That said, I didn’t care anyway. So-“
Jack kicked open the unlocked door. Revealing his bipedal gait and scarred flanks.
“ ‘Sup assholes?”
They all stared at the seemingly idiotic/psychotic stallion for a moment before Fluttershy suddenly approached him. She was a little daunted by his extra height but continued forward to confront him. She prodded him in the chest and launched into her tirade, the ‘stare’ evenly meeting his expressionless eyes.
The others averted their eyes a bit despite the fact that the wrath of the shy pony wasn’t even directed at them.
A Five-minute rant later about how he should be ashamed of his actions toward others and himself and how he should apologize to them, she dropped back to the floor.
Jack stood there for a moment, just staring, before he suddenly jerked and glanced down at her.
“Sorry, were ye’ saying something? I started ignoring you about three words in. Plus, that little stare of yours? S’posed to make you feel guilty and shit right? Well I have no regrets, so you ain’t got shite on me.”
Jack basically broke Fluttershy.
He crossed his hooves again and gave the awed group a seemingly unaffected glare.
Twilight was panicking internally, nothing had ever said no in the face of Fluttershy’s serious face, and it was scientific fact in Twilight’s mind.
Twilight then had a sudden brilliant idea, she could have just restrained him with magic! She immediately lit up her horn, and was about to grab him when he suddenly stepped forward and swatted her horn, disrupting the spell.
“I don’t think so.”
Luckily the others saw their opportunity and jumped for him while Fluttershy shoved the door closed. They bashed heads when Jack dove out of the way at unbelievable speed. He was already halfway across the lawn by the time the mares managed to pull themselves out of the resulting tangle.
Rainbow sped forward and cut him off from the forest while the rest surrounded him. He glanced back and forth with those piercing crimson eyes before laughing.
“Well, this should be fun.”
He suddenly leaped straight up and slammed back down and through the ground. Twilight gasped and rushed to the edge of the hole,
WHUMP!
-only to be met with a clod of dirt to the face. A geyser of dirt and stone erupted from the hole and shrank just as quickly.
“Aww! I didn’t even get to throw him his “Welcome to Ponyville!” Party, or his “Happy You’re Safe!” Party, or even his “Will you be my very special somepony?” Party!”
“Wait, what?”
Pinkie stuffed her hoof in her mouth and smiled sheepishly. Twilight facehooved and glared into the hole sourly.
“Focus girls! We need to find him! He could get hurt tunneling around like that!”
“Who says I left, bitch!?”
Twilight whirled about. Jack was standing beside yet another hole in the ground covered in dirt.
“This is My Turf! I’ll fuck up whatever tiny focking horse tries to shove me off it!”
With that, he plunged back into the ground, burrowing faster than Maud Pie could ever hope to.
“Jack!” Twilight cried out. “Get out of there! It’s not safe for you to be tunneling!”
Jack’s voice echoed through the rapidly forming tunnel system.
“BORN IN THIS HOLE DIE IN THIS HOLE!”
He suddenly burst up between Twilight’s hooves to deliver one last insult.
“ASSHOLE!”
It ryhmed.
Twilight made to grab him again with magic, only for a mouthful of chewed dirt to hit her square in the eyes.
The amount of holes in the ground continuously grew as the other mares split up to try and nab the unstoppable stallion.
After an hour or two, Jack had finished digging and only had to jump from hole to hole to avoid a mare’s grasp. Rainbow and Fluttershy’s wings were so sore from the endless chase that they were reduced to directing the others. Applejack and Pinkie were still going strong... for now at least, and Rarity and Twilight had been pelted by so many objects as they tried to grab him that they were almost polka-dotted with dirt.
Twilight sighed and sat down in the midst of the chaos and rubbed her head to try and alleviate the pounding headache she had developed.
“Take five everypony.”
Jack peeked his head up barely three feet away from her, his ever-present smirk victoriously apparent.
“Quitting already? I knew ye’ were fast, but come on then!”
Twilight blushed for the 407th time that night (yes she counted), and half-heartedly lit up her horn to grab him once more. A single pebble hit her nose.
Strangely that was also the last straw it took for Twilight to realize something. A little, creepy smirk lit up her face as she turned to her friends. One by one they noticed her with confusion and soon ceased talking with one another.
Jack steadily shrunk deeper into his hole with an uneasy expression.
“Oookaaaaayyyy.... uh... did she actually lose ‘er mind, or...?”
Twilight gave a little chuckle and turned her gaze back to Jack’s. As if taking a cue, he abruptly dropped and vanished into the soil completely.
“I’ve got it... I finally figured it out.”
The girls exchanged worried looks. Rarity inched forward and placed a tentative hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
“Um, figured what out, dear?”
“Why we’re still out here.”
“...not to catch Jack?”
“But why are we trying to catch Jack? The answer should be that every other stallion is meek and defenseless against most mares. But then, we meet this one Stallion, and already some of you fancy him. Myself included. Why?”
“Uh, do tell?”
Twilight suddenly grabbed Rarity and pulled them face-to-face, a manic smile splitting her features.
”Have you ever heard of a Stallion playing hard to get?”
Rarity’s eyes glazed over as she considered the possibilities. Twilight turned to the rest.
“Have any of you?”
No’s all around.
Twilight blushed again, but much, much heavier than ever before. Little hearts formed in her eyes as she gazed out on the battlefield they had made and locked her gaze on the farthest burrow, where Jack’s ears poked over the edge as he eavesdropped.
“Girls, I think I’m in love.”
The expression on Twilight’s face soon spread to the others’. Fluttershy, shockingly, was the first.
“I-I... I think I am to.”
“He’s... pretty rad.”
And then Rainbow Dash. And Pinkie.
“I was gonna throw a party to ask him out!”
And Rarity.
“Despite the fact that he’s uncouth, and made an absolute mess of my coat and mane, he’s oddly... cute.”
Applejack froze, not sure what to say... and then said what was on her mind.
“Ah want to buck his brains out.”
“Applejack!”
“OOH! Can it be a threesome?!”
“(Holy Shite.)”
“I CALL FIRS-wait a second.”
The group turned to stare at the burrow currently holding the object of their desire. After a moment of silence, a gray hoof waved at them.
“Go away damnit! I’m not here!”
A spurt of dust signaled his departure.
Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash all turned to face one-another. Twilight pulled the huddle closer and whispered urgently.
“Promise to share?”
Nods.
Twilight smiled and put her hoof out.
“Meet back here tomorrow morning then?”
A chorus of giggles, nods, and excited looks answered as the others’ hooves joined Twilight’s in the middle. They bounced their hooves once and threw them in the air before splitting up to their respective homes.
Of course, they all sent a somewhat sultry look back toward the lone house before they left properly.
Five minutes later, Jack was still brushing the excess dirt off his coat before he went back inside. He finally finished the task and turned back in the direction the lovestruck mares took.
“The Fock just happened?”