Princess Celestia banged on the door of her niece's rooms. “Cadance! Cadance! I know you're in there!”
Her mane still drooped a little wetly, but she'd managed to wash out much of the wet mane treatment. To be honest, she actually didn't mind this partially wet look ... she might even keep it for a few hundred years, just to try it out; it was good to change things up every once in a while. Of course, her unshorn fetlocks were entirely gone, though – not only because she was entirely sure that Twilight had only put them there as a tasteless joke, but also because it turned out to be much easier to simply trim them off than get the wine stains out of them.
She pounded on the door again. “Stop delaying the inevitable! Your guards have confirmed that you are indeed in your rooms. Are you concealing Twilight Sparkle in there?”
The door cracked open a little, Princess Cadance's face peeking out behind the security chain. “Oh, I didn't hear you there!”
Princess Celestia's eyebrow slowly rose.
“Ah... right. Just a minute – I need to undo this chain!”
The door slammed shut, and all manner of non-chain-related noises emanated from inside the room, including one startled yelp that sounded very much like Princess Twilight's voice. Finally, though, the chain was unhooked and the door opened. Cadance stood alone inside, breathing heavily, and smiling brightly despite it.
Princess Celestia came inside and took a long moment to look around ... but nothing in particular seemed out of place. Princess Cadance might have been hiding Princess Twilight in here ... or perhaps she'd just been interrupted in the midst of coitus with her husband, and she felt the need to hide him for some reason ... possibly from the presumably awakened amorous appetites of her aunt. It didn't matter. If Princess Twilight was here, she would be listening from inside a closet or under a bed somewhere.
Of course, a bit of an awkward silence had passed as Princess Celestia looked around the room. Princess Cadance apparently felt the need to break it. “So... How did your date go?”
“My date?” Princess Celestia glared at her. This was partly her fault as well. “It wasn't supposed to be a date! It was supposed to be a casual business dinner that might later take a turn toward the romantic!”
Princess Cadance took a step back. “Auntie Celly ... why are you shouting?”
“Oh, don't you 'Auntie Celly' me, missy! You know what you did.”
Princess Cadance held her hooves up in the most innocent way possible.
“Heart-shaped raspberry torts, really? A single rose in the middle of the table? That doesn't seem like a little bit overkill to you?”
“Oh, that?” Princess Cadance shrugged. “Well, I thought you two might need a little nudge in the right direction, so...” She glanced up and down at Princess Celestia's new looks, at the way her auntie was still glaring at her. “I, ah... I take it that the date didn't go particularly well? Should I have used a bigger nudge?”
“It was an utter disaster!” Princess Celestia's eyes searched around the room again. “But, no... I shouldn't be too angry with you... What truly ruined the evening was ... Twilight Sparkle!”
A slight rustling noise came from Princess Cadance's wardrobe. Princess Celestia whipped her head around to glare at it, but she wasn't entirely sure that Princess Twilight would be hiding in there ... it could also be Shining Armor in an unfortunate state of undress and arousal. Best not to risk seeing that. She wasn't sure if she could handle such a sight right now. Still, on the chance that it was Princess Twilight in there, she could at least vent her frustrations a little.
Princess Celestia addressed the wardrobe loudly, “What truly ruined the night was Twilight's poorly-timed practical joke of a makeover! I was stepping all over my own mane and ended up sprawled out on the floor! My ridiculous unshorn fetlocks only led to an entire goblet of wine being upturned all over my guest! And the juice box, really? How was that even supposed to work? Does she think of me as a child?” She turned back toward Princess Cadance. “Twilight ruined any chance I may have had with Fancy Pants ... it will probably be her fault that I remain celibate for the next thousand years!”
“Easy, easy...” Princess Cadance held her hooves up, trying to calm her.
But she would not be calmed! “And I'm not done with you yet, either! What else was planned for this 'business dinner'? Were you going to have minstrels come in and serenade us? Was there to be an engagement ring hidden in the dessert? Oh... No, nothing with that level of class and elegance, I'm certain. Not from the Princess of Love! Desert was to be served with a side of condoms along with the breath mints, wasn't it?”
“I... I can see that you're—”
“Oh! Oh, can you see that? Can you? I know you conspired with Twilight Sparkle to make a laughingstock out of me! Was my sister in on it? Was this her idea of a prank? Or are the two of you just trying to make certain that I stay lonely for the rest of my immortal life?”
“Aunt Celly! We were just trying to help!”
Princess Celestia rolled her eyes and scoffed.
“Look, I can see that you're really worked up about it. Let me make it up to you.”
“No.” Princess Celestia stomped her gold-clad hoof down. “I am not taking any more advice from the likes of you.”
Princess Cadance came up close to her ... a little too close for her current mood. “Auntie... It's okay, really. I understand. Anypony would get worked up after their hopes were built up so high and then dashed without getting any real action.”
Princess Celestia looked down at her niece with suspicion, but didn't interrupt her.
“What you need is just something to work the tension out and loosen up, then you won't get so worked up about dates and such, and you'll be able to shine as your true self.”
This wasn't sounding like anything very promising to Princess Celestia. “Oh, is it my own tension that ruined this date? I don't seem to remember it that way. I swear, Cadance, if you're about to tell me to go to the spa again, I'm going to—”
“No!” Princess Cadance laughed. “What you need is to get laid!”
Princess Celestia paused for a moment, hopefully letting the stupidity of that statement sink in to Princess Cadance. “Yes. That's what we've been trying to accomplish this entire time!”
“No no no. Just get laid. No dates, no relationships, no candlelight dinners. We just need to get some dick inside you! Then you'll be able to relax a little, and you'll be able to look for someone who really clicks with you without – you know – any weird jitters getting in the way. Start small and work your way up!”
She squinted at her niece for a moment, but she had to admit, she wanted to know where this was going. It sounded ... promising. “Oh? And how exactly would we accomplish this?”
Princess Cadance grinned smugly. “Tomorrow is Sapphire Shores's The Climax: What you Need concert. If you go there with me and do what I say, I guarantee you'll have that cherry of yours popped by morning!”
The impulse to be disgusted with her and storm out was strong ... but certain other impulses were stronger. “You'll guarantee it?”
Princess Cadance held her hoof up for a hoof-bump.
Reluctantly, Princess Celestia tapped her hoof against her niece's. This 'guarantee' sounded pretty good ... and it couldn't possibly go worse than last night, could it?
* * *
Celestia stood with Princess Cadance outside the doors of the concert hall. Loud altogether-too-modern music already boomed from inside. She glanced over at her niece. “But... the concert has already begun ... some time ago, by the sound of it. Shouldn't we have come earlier?”
“As if.” Princess Cadance laughed. She looked ... rather different. She'd slicked down her tail to make it sleeker and smaller, done up her mane in a ponytail, left her crown at home ... she looked at least ten years younger somehow. It made Celestia feel distinctly overdressed in her usual regalia, but Princess Cadance hadn't said anything about dressing differently. She punched Celestia a little too roughly in the shoulders. “Only lame-wads show up early and get a good seat. The real party is going to be along the sidelines anyway. Come on!”
The moment they entered, the music went silent. Every single pony in attendance turned around to see the entrance of the magnificent Princess Celestia. A spotlight turned on and shone down directly upon her. After a moment of absolute silence, somepony from the stage spoke up over the microphone. “Oh... It seems we have an unexpected guest! Everypony please give a warm welcome to Princess Celestia!”
A generous – but restrained – round of applause passed over the huge room, but it was nothing compared to the chaotic shouting and dancing from a moment ago.
“Thank you, my little ponies,” Celestia said, feeling that she needed to address them before they'd go back to what they were doing. “I'm flattered. But please, don't stop on my account – I'm just here to enjoy the music. Thank you all for being here!”
With that, the spotlight turned off, and the band struck back into the song, Sapphire Shores picking up the lyrics a moment later. The concert slowly worked back up to what it had been a moment ago.
Princess Cadance stared at her aunt. “Huh... I'm a princess and everything ... I even have my own kingdom – technically it's an empire. But they never do that when I walk into a room. Weird.”
“It's something you learn to live with.” Celestia shrugged. “So, about this guarantee of yours?”
Cadance looked around for the bar. “Um ... right. In light of that entrance and just, you know, the way ponies treat you, this might be a little more difficult than I thought. I'd better find you a stallion who's totally wasted. But don't worry – the Princess of Love guarantee still stands! Come on!”
* * *
“Djjjidd it hurt?” slurred the brown and red earth pony stallion in front of Celestia.
She looked down at his significantly shorter frame. “I beg your pardon?”
He grinned up at her as if he'd just delivered the punchline of the joke to end all jokes and discovered the secret to wingless flight while he was at it. “Wwwhen you fffell from heaven?”
“Ah...?” Celestia wasn't sure what to say. Was this some sort of jest, or did this stallion legitimately think that alicorns came from heaven? She busied herself by taking a sip of her drink – after all, Princess Cadance had been adamant that she hadn't been drinking enough yet tonight. Thankfully, the Princess of Love herself came back in to supplement the conversation before Celestia could be pressured into a poorly thought-out response.
“Auntie! Good, good. I see you've already met Red Rose!”
Celestia glared at her. “Seriously, another red rose?”
“Well, this one's going to be a lot more fun than a flower, I promise!” She grinned and patted the stallion on the back. “Are you two hitting it off?”
“I, um... Perhaps?” Celestia truly wasn't certain what was passing between her and Red Rose.
Red Rose himself, though, seemed all too sure of himself. “Lisshten, ladies. Theresh no ... no...” He belched loudly. “Theresh no need to fffight. I've got ppplenty to go around, and I don't ... I don't mind going hhhome with the both of yoush. I'm cooool wifff a threeway.” He gave them what might have been a charming smile if his eyes had been in focus and there wasn't a bit of drool at the corner of his mouth.
“Um, no.” Princess Cadance stepped away from him. “That's not on the menu. I have a loving husband waiting for me at home.”
The stallion grinned all the more. “A fffour-way then, wooo!”
Celestia glanced over at her and smirked. “That does seem like something you might enjoy...”
“No.” Princess Cadance shut her down with a glare. “We don't talk about that, not even when we've had a few drinks, remember?” She nudged Red Rose closer to Celestia. “Besides, we're not here for me. This little rose is a gift from me to you, Auntie.” She caught him as he wobbled and nearly fell over sideways and propped him back up again. “But I do suggest you take him home quickly. I'm not sure how much longer he's going to last, especially if he keeps going back to the bar.”
Celestia gulped. “I'm ... I'm not sure about this. Wouldn't it be kind of ... you know, taking advantage of him?”
“That's just your nerves getting to you again. Trust me, after tonight, all that nervous energy isn't going to be a problem anymore. Here...” Her horn lit up, sending a barrage of glowing red hearts out toward the stallion.
He was nearly bowled over by the force of the magic hitting him ... but once it did, he looked up at Celestia in a whole new way. “Oh... Oh wwwow. Yyyou're so beautifhul! I've never sheen anyone sho... sho... lllovely!”
Celestia winced. “What did you do to him?”
“Just a bit of magic – that's the Princess of Love guarantee for you! And don't worry; it can only work if he's already into you at least a little bit, and I gave him a pretty low dose, so it should wear off by tomorrow.”
“Are ... are you sure about this?”
The stallion grinned up stupidly at her. “I've neverrr been more ssshure about sssomething in my lifffe!”
“Not you, doofus!” Princess Cadance nudged him to the side, almost knocking him over. “But yes, I'm entirely sure. It took me a while, but I finally found a stallion here who would be one hundred percent guaranteed to sleep with you, crown or no crown. And with a touch of my love magic for good luck, there's no way it can go wrong!” She patted Celestia's shoulder. “So go for it! Take him home and take your first brave step into a new world!”
Celestia took a deep breath. “Okay, here it goes.” Her horn began to light with a teleportation spell. A moment later, both she and Red Rose vanished in a flash of sunlight.
They reappeared inside Celestia's private bedchambers. She'd never had a stallion in here before.
She might have expected him to be awe-struck and looking around the room ... but he had eyes only for her. It was kind of romantic, even if it might have been largely an effect of Princess Cadance's magic. And ... and he was coming up to her, running his muzzle along her neck and her withers.
Celestia had to admit that felt kind of nice ... but then he was already behind her! Was this ... was this already happening? She felt like there should have been something more before they really began getting into it but... Oh goodness! There he was, already mounting her! She felt his hooves clutching at her rump, pulling himself up.
Not knowing what else to do and trusting that Princess Cadance knew what she was doing, Celestia went along with it. She raised her tail as much as she could underneath the stallion's belly, and she lowered her hips a little bit, to give the shorter stallion a better angle for ... for... She gulped. Was she really about to be penetrated for the very first time?
No. Apparently not.
Red Rose clung to her rump and wiggled his hips ... but nothing happened down there. Nothing made contact, even after it went on for some time. Celestia looked back over her shoulders at him, more than a little confused. She'd expected sex to feel more pleasurable than this. In point of fact, she'd expected to actually feel something.
He blushed redder than his own mane and slipped off her rump. “Oh, ummm, shorry. It, um... It it looks like I've gghot a bit, a little bit of the ol' wishkey dick.” He stood up wobbily on his hind legs, displaying the limp and shriveled phallus barely emerging from his sheath with an entirely undue amount of pride.
Celestia took a step back and winced... But not too far back – it looked like she might have to rush in and save him from falling over at any moment. He looked decidedly unstable up on his hind legs.
Red Rose did fall over ... but apparently by design. He stumbled over to her bed and flopped onto it backwards, belly up. And he immediately began stroking himself with both hooves. “Hhhold on jush a minnnuite,” he said. “I'll get thish baby up annn working in no timmme...”
Even as he spoke though, his hooves slowed down. His head tilted and slumped down to the side. His hooves dropped back down onto the bed. His body went limp. A moment later, he began to snore.
Celestia just stood there and stared at the passed-out stallion for a moment. Some 'Princess of Love guarantee' this was! Still, though, maybe it was for the best. She really wasn't sure about the whole idea of doing this. Not this way.
Before she could decide what to do about this situation, the stallion's belly heaved. He spewed a thin, foul-smelling yellow glop onto her bedsheets, then immediately fell asleep again as his own vomit soaked into his mane.
A small flash popped on Celestia's bedside table. Five condoms, a breath mint, and a note on pink stationary appeared there in a flash of pink magic. 'Be safe and get it good! – Cadance ❤ ' the note read.
Celestia groaned. At least the breath mint had been a good idea. Red Rose's breath had already reeked before he threw up all over himself.
That was it. She was done. Time to clean up and call it a night.
First and most urgently, she teleported Red Rose off to the emergency room of Canterlot Hospital. Enough alcohol to make a stallion pass out was always a concern for alcohol poisoning. The doctors there would see him, smell the booze in his vomit, and make sure he made it through the night okay.
Then, she carefully hid the condoms in one of her bedside drawers – hopefully to be used later, not just sit there for a thousand years – and she burned the note rather vindictively.
Finally, she teleported the soiled bedsheets off to the palace laundry. Some of the servants there would still know whose blankets those were and wonder how they'd gotten in such a state, but at least sending them there herself saved Celestia the embarrassment of her personal staff seeing her bed in such a state. She retrieved a new set of sheets from the closet herself – again, to spare herself embarrassment with her personal staff. She worked hard to cultivate a certain image of herself among her subjects, and she wasn't about to have that ruined.
The room still smelled vaguely sour, and Celestia now had an itch inside her that was going to make sleep difficult, if not impossible... But she had come to a valuable conclusion: Princess Cadance and Princess Twilight were both far too young and inexperienced to help her properly. What she needed was the advice of a fellow immortal. Princess Luna would know what to do.