//------------------------------// // The Maud Couple // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// People kept asking about Twilight.  Okay, I guess that made sense. We had to keep constantly reminding them that it wasn’t the Twilight they knew but someone who looked exactly like her.  Fortunately, once the conversation was started, they could usually tell the difference. But the question of “well, who is she?” kept coming up. I looked out the window as we rode Tin Mare into Manehattan, the autodarkening sunglasses I’d developed working pretty well. “I’m not sure if we should get you a sign or something to hang around your neck,” I said to Twilight.  Guinness, Rarity, and Maud were with us. “That sounds inconvenient and awkward,” said Twilight. “See, perfect for you.” “Well, an eye-catching neon spell over your head with relevant information is probably too gauche for casual encounters,” said Rarity, who was trying out said spell at that moment.  DYKE was currently flashing in purple block letters in the air above her head. “You realize this is a magazine interview, right?” I said.  “We already have preprinted press pictures.” I snapped my hoof.  “Actually, that’s perfect.  Let’s get some business cards printed for you, Twilight, that have all the relevant information on them.” “What would they say?” “Hmm.” Twilight Sparkle No, not that one. Librarian - Ponyville I shrugged.  “We’ll think about it.” I sure had a lot to think about.  Trixie and Daring were about to have a kid.  The new multipurpose entertainment center we’d built in Ponyville needed to be officially named.  I had to finish kitting out my school submarine and take education to the high seas. Well, okay, it was a submarine, so not so high seas. Those thoughts kept me busy all the way to Manehattan. The band had gotten an interview with Modern Music Monthly, a small but growing magazine that pretty much published the edgiest stuff they could find to draw a readership.  Being Equestria, the edgiest thing around was a new punk band and it made us pretty much the lead story. Timmy Times used to work for a newspaper called the Canterlot Canter, and I’d pushed my connections through him to get this interview.  We walked into the magazine office and he showed us to a conference room. “So,” he said, noting our names, “Das Booty.  How did the band come together?” “Well darling, we’ve just recently formed from a shared passion,” said Rarity.  “I want to be seen by ponies.” “I want to push a personal agenda,” I said.  “Celebrity and steady income are important to both.  Punk music reminds me that I’m not actually old enough to be a grandfather.” “I just want to be a chill dude,” said Guinness. Timmy Times nodded.  “Tell me a little bit about yourselves.” Rarity did.  There was a lot to tell.  I’ll give her credit, she was one of the few ponies in Equestria who knew the definition of subtlety.  I barely caught her mention of a girlfriend. I was up next.  “I’m an alien. I was once an alicorn.  I’m currently researching practical applications of ghosts.  I’m also starting a toilet paper company.” Timmy paused, but apparently you get used to things like that in the music biz.  He turned to Guinness. “Um, also an alien.  Happily married, and small business owner.” We chatted a little bit more.  I thought it went pretty well. We gave him some of our best promo pictures and he promised we’d see ourselves on the cover next week. On the way out, Rarity said, “What was that about ghosts?” “Wow, I was more surprised by the toilet paper company,” said Guinness. “You remember how we used to have Starlight Glimmer’s ghost in a jar?” I said. Rarity nodded. Guinness looked suspicious.  “Used to?” “Anyway, the toilet paper company, I thought of a slogan so good that I basically have to.  If we merchandise through the band, it’ll be even better.” “I suppose Das Booty could be a decent pitch for toiletries,” said Rarity. Guinness looked between the two of us and pressed, “Used to?” “Not in a jar anymore,” I clarified.  “Currently being tested in a practical application.” We got back aboard Tin Mare.  I sat down beside Twilight. She had her nose buried in a book she had brought.  After a moment, I said in a low voice, “A friend would ask how it went.” “Oh!  Sorry.  How did it go?” “Pretty well.  I think we’ll be famous shortly.  Not bad for only ever playing one show.” I was still teaching Twilight friendship.  The threat hanging over my head of actual Twilight coming back and thinking me a failure was still there. Back in Ponyville, we dropped Twilight at the library and I headed back to my place.  It was a little empty at the moment. Cordoba was out with her friends. Yes, she apparently had some.  Maybe even some besides the CMC. Sunset was working on a project that involved the mirror portal and corresponding human world. I hadn't asked what she was up to this time and figured she would tell me if I needed to know. That left me with Libby.  Dear God, I don’t know where I went so wrong with the personality. “Those are some goddamned nice sunglasses,” she said.  “I really like them.” “Where did you learn to swear?” “Cordoba taught me.  I kind of like it!” “Swearing is for people, Libby..” “You know, speaking of people and the whole self-determination thing, instead of LIBB can I be called EDWARD instead?  It stands for Excessive Destruction With A Rude Demeanor.  I’ll be the only automated weapons system that adds insult to injury!” “Since when do you get to pick your own name?  You’re a robot. And even people generally are named by somebody else.” “Cordoba has self determination, and she’s a robot.” “Cordoba may be mechanical, but she’s a person, like I built her.  You’re an airplane, like I built you.” “Aw.” “Also, what’s with Edward?  Are you transgender now?” “I didn’t even know I had a gender.” “You’re female, hence the pronouns I use for you.” “Sooo if I have a gender, why am I not a person?” I definitely hadn’t built her to be existential, either. Nothing major happened over the next few days.  The band practiced a few times. Even punk music had to be at least looked at in advance of a show.  As the magazine’s publication day neared, we started checking the local stores. I was in the local baking supply store trying to see how big of a bulk purchase I could do in order to have the submarine school outfitted for food service.  By chance, I saw a copy of Modern Music Monthly on the shelf with Das Booty front and center.  I snatched it up and headed to the counter to pay. A grey and brown stallion stood at the counter.  I paused in line behind him. He stood there for perhaps fifteen seconds, not saying a word.  I frowned a poked my head around him. Was there an invisible pony in front of him? Was I stuck in a time-frozen-zone? “Um,” I said.  “Are you in line?” “Yes,” he said. “Is...there someone in front of you?” “Technically, the only pony in front of me is the store proprietor, but she isn’t in line.” I looked at the pony behind the counter, who was clearly wearing a customer-service-barely-keeping-it-together smile.  “So...what’s the holdup?” “I’m deciding between between saying ‘goodbye’ and ‘see you later.’” “Great, you said both.”  I pushed past him to talk to the salespony.  “I need enough baking supplies to outfit a school.  Like, literal tons of stuff.” “Oooh, sorry, I’m going to lunch.”  She put up a sign saying that and dashed away. I let out a long sigh and looked down at the magazine in my hooves.  I grabbed a pen from behind the counter and a pad of scratch paper and wrote a brief receipt for the price and left it with money on the counter. Turning around, I saw the stallion from earlier was still standing there. “Simultaneously using both expressions of parting ways does not accurately express my intent,” he said. “I don’t give a shit.”  I started to walk past him towards the door. “Technically, you mean you don’t care.” Even I wasn’t going to take a dump on command just to spite him.  “Good for you, genius.” “Technically, I’ve never had my intelligence measured and found to be at genius levels.” “It was sarcasm.”  I turned for the door again. “I did not interpret it as such, and instead will interpret it as a compliment about my intelligence.” I paused, sighed, and turned to face him again.  “I take it you’re not from around these parts.” My voice had involuntarily slipped to a more redneck tone as I went on.  “You know what we do to folks around here who are different and kind of annoying?”  I lowered my voice. “We make memes about people like you, boy.” He stared at me for several seconds.  I figured he was trying to think of what to say next, similar to his parting salutation dilemma earlier, and quickly left. I went over to the library.  Twilight was there, practicing a few simple spells from a book.  Owlowiscious sat on his perch, looking over her shoulder. Apparently they were getting along.  The owl probably knew a few things about magic just by being around old Twilight. “There you are,” she said, looking up as I came in.  “I wanted to ask you about superhero names.” “Sure.” “I was thinking of ‘Mystic.’  It perfectly describes my abilities and sounds mysterious and sophisticated.” “Okay,” I said. “That’s it?” she asked. I shrugged.  “Maybe you’re not as bad at this as you thought.” “Me next!” shouted Yona the yak, crashing into the room.  “I want to be Super Yak!” “Too on the nose,” I advised.  “Also, you’re clearly a yak. Superhero names are supposed to give you a secret identity.  Also, you don’t have magic, so there isn’t much for superpowers there.” “But...but you said it’s about a secret identity,” she pointed out.  “No superpowers, so ‘Super’ is okay!” “Fine,” I conceded. “So, Super Yak.” “Not yak.” She frowned and screwed up her face in concentration.  “Yaks are like cattle. Maybe a disguise as a cow?” “Aren’t you a heifer? I asked. “So cow works even better as a secret identity!” “Super Cow,” said Twilight.  “It could work.” “Speaking of work,” I said, “I actually needed something from you, Twilight.  This could also benefit your superhero business. I’m starting up a magic and spell development group.” “Oh really?” she said.  “That could be interesting.  But, um, you’re an earth pony.” “That’s why I need your help.  I’ll be the brains, and you be the brawn.” “Uh…” “Not literally.  Magic brawn.” “Okay,” she said.  “So we’re forming some sort of...superhero team?” “Much as I’m tempted, I’m afraid not.  But it’s okay, because this matchup is still going to be awesome.  We’ll do all kinds of magical research and subsequent field testing to determine real-world applications.  I’ve even got a cool name for this little development group: DEVGRU.” “I thought superhero names were supposed to be about secret identities,” she said.  “That’s just a contracted version of the name.” “But it’s not a superhero team.” “Oh, okay.” I left the library.  Pinkie intercepted me.  “Hey, have you seen Maud?” “No,” I said. “I’ve looked all over for her,” said Pinkie.  “I was at the construction site and in the market and at the lake and at Maud’s place and up the Ponyville clocktower, but she wasn’t at any of them.  Also, ponies seemed really concerned about an eccentric firearm-owning pony like me being in a clocktower.” She shrugged and bounced away. I headed downtown, which in a hovel like Ponyville took about thirty seconds, quicker than Vanessa Carlton could play it.  My eye happened to fall on a flyer for a local comedy club, which to my surprise listed Maud as a performer. I figured Pinkie would see it eventually.  I myself headed to club. This was something I wouldn’t miss for anything. Maud was apparently doing a set at open mic night.  Despite it being afternoon, but I’m not picky. I saw Rarity in the audience and sat down beside her. The jokes were terrible.  I mean, if we’re being honest, I know a thing or two about bad jokes.  Still, with Maud at the mic, it almost cycled back around into so-bad-it’s-good.  Almost. She finished up and came over to sit at our table, placing her pet, Boulder, on the table beside the napkin.  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to see who was approaching. “Oh hell no.” Rarity turned to look.  The guy from the bake shop walked up to our table. “I liked your performance,” he said. “Thank you,” said Maud. “I’m Mudbriar.” “I’m Maudileena Pie.” Mudbriar’s eyes fell on Boulder.  “What’s this?” “This is my pet rock, Boulder.” “I, too, brought my pet with me today.”  He placed a stick on the table. “This is Twiggy.” “Aw look, they’re playing together,” said Maud. “They’re adorable,” said Mudbriar. I glanced at Rarity and said under my breath, “I think he wants to put a stick in the Maud.” Rarity apparently had come to the same conclusion and cleared her throat. “How rude of me,” said Maud.  “This is Rarity and Valiant.” “Speaking of us.”  I pulled out the band magazine and showed it to Rarity.  She let out a squee and seized it, flipping pages and talking a mile a minute.  It completely derailed Mudbriar. Not wanting to see any more of him, I left. I walked back out of the club into the afternoon sun, my glasses autodarkening.  To my surprise, Chancellor Neighsay was there. “You look pretty good for a guy subjected to the Great Cocksmackening,” I said.  “One might think you’d had practice.” “I did not,” he said. I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, does he look gay to you?” “Hella gay.” I nodded.  “Even my robot plane thinks you liked it.” “That’s not why I’m here!”  He glared at me. “I’m here to issue you a cease and desist order regarding your submersible school.” “What are you going to do?” I said.  “You burned my last school, and while I have every right to burn you in return, I kind of like the idea of a submarine that is also a school.” “You don’t have every right.  Murder is illegal.” I laughed.  I don’t think he got the joke. He went on, addressing my earlier question.  “If necessary, I will ban your craft from entering ports in Equestria.” “Does a school board have authority to regulate maritime city visitation rights?” “The Equestrian Education Association has more power than the princesses.” “Whatever,” I said.  “I’ll just have the students stay onboard so we never have to pull into port.  It’ll be a boarding school at sea. A water boarding school.” He glared at me.  “I will not allow this.” I smirked.  “I have to say, by my usual methods, you would already be painfully killed.  But I think it’ll be fun to have you around. It’ll keep school interesting.” I walked away feeling smug.  I knew smug wasn’t good for the planet, but like a lot of things, I indulged myself at the expense of others. I walked by the new theater/multipurpose community event building.  Trixie, Daring, and I had built it. It was ostensibly for Trixie’s shows, but we figured we could recoup some of the cost by allowing Ponyville to use it for other events.  Trixie had used it to great effect to announce she and Daring’s impending child. We were still working on what to officially name the building.  “The Trixie’s Virginity Memorial Cultural Center” was currently the front runner and dear God did I hope we came up with something better. As I walked, from down the street I saw another sister of Pinkie and Maud’s, Limestone. “Good day to you, my fine chap,” she said. “What the hell,” I responded, staring at her. “Oh, are you surprised at my mannerisms?” she said.  “I’ve found a new pastime, you see.” “Not crack, anymore?” I asked. “Oh heavens no.  I’ve found my pleasures in opium.” “So...heroin.” “Pish posh.”  She waved her hoof. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this new Limestone, but I guess anything was better than being a crackhead. She followed me to the pub.  Guinness looked up as she came in, apparently wary, but served her the absinthe she asked for. Maud came in a few minutes later.  Mudbriar followed her, talking what I assumed was quickly for him.  “I love the shape of sticks, and their color, and their consistency.” Maud did not reply, merely sitting down.  Guinness gave her a glass full of ice. “Hello sister,” said Limestone.  “What an unexpected pleasure to see you here today.” “Hello Limestone,” said Maud. “Who’s this?” Limestone asked. “This is Mudbriar,” said Maud.  “He likes sticks.” Limestone barely kept her composure.  I could tell, because prior to today I’d never seen her with any composure.  “Do you associate with him often?” “Today is the first time,” said Maud. “Has he just been following you around all day?” I asked. “I’d wager you thought she was your one-in-a-million diamond?” said Limestone. “Technically, I was thinking she was my one-in-a-million perfect stick,” Mudbriar said. “Your analogies fall a bit flat, but I understand what you’re saying.  Limestone folded her hooves in front of her. “However, my sister Maud is more special than that.  Sorry to say, but you aren’t her perfect geode.” “Why would you call me a geode?” “Are you familiar with the concept of geodes being plain on the outside, but opening up to a brilliant center when one looks closer?” “I like sticks,” said Mudbriar. “You are pleasant conversation, but I’ve never met anypony who knows minerals like Rarity,” said Maud. Mudbriar blinked.  “I am confused. Do we not share a special connection?” “You know she’s in a relationship, right?” I said. Mudbriar paused.  After a long moment, he said, “This is new information.” He stood there for several more seconds. “Trying to figure out whether to say ‘goodbye’ or ‘see you later?’” I guessed. “Yes.” “Do you believe in God?” I said. “Are you referring to a higher power commonly prayed to?” he asked. “Right.” “I am undecided.” “Well, if it affects your calculus in any way, ‘goodbye’ is an ancient contraction for ‘God be with you.’” “And also with you,” Guinness muttered reflexively before he could stop himself.  He went back to polishing a glass. “Perhaps I will see you later, or perhaps not,” Mudbriar said after another long moment of consideration.  He turned for the door. I tapped my earpiece and spoke a quiet message. As the door closed on Mudbriar, a booming voice came from the sky. Mudbriar, I am God and for your agnosticity you will have your pathetic stick broken. Good to see that system was still online in this changed up universe. From outside, we heard Mudbriar make a sound that sounded as if perhaps the threat had already been carried out. I turned to order a drink, but Trixie’s voice suddenly cut into my earpiece.  “Dad, where are you?” “The pub,” I replied. “Are you drunk?” “Just ordering, actually.” “I hate to ask you this, but I need you to be sober.” That got my attention.  “Why?” “We need you here.  The baby’s coming.” “Oh, um, shit.  Okay, I’ll be right there.” I got up.  “Guinness, do you have any cigars?” “I don’t smoke, but I could maybe find some.”  He looked at me. “Is it what I think it is?” “Yeah.” He smiled.  “Congrats.” “Yeah.” I turned for the door, my mind moving a million miles a minute. I still didn’t know who was having it.