//------------------------------// // Bonus - The Fool of April // Story: This Nose Knows // by Irrespective //------------------------------// This chapter was originally published April 1, 2018 with the title of My OC Baked Bean is awesome and once you read this you will agree and if you don't then I'll fight you over it :) but we won't because you'll love him and my story and you'll give me a million upvotes once you see how awesome the. It is not part of the official storyline, and can be skipped entirely if you don't like bad April Fool's jokes. Baked bean was the awomest that had ever been in the history of ever. Nopony disupted this, no one wanted to. It was so blindingly, mind-numbling-ly, uncategorically true that to trie to fight it was like trying to telling Twilight to not study for a test, which would never happen, because Twilight always studies for tests and hyperventalites about them and then she does fine which really makes me wonder why she gets so nervous. I mean, She’s aced every exam she’s ever been given, and she knows magic like a pony should know magic, so why is she alway s so scared when one comes up? It really makes no sence if you think about it for a while. Anyway, this isn’t a story about Twilight, this is a story abotu Baked Bean, who was still awsome. Why? Well, because he’s my OC, but also because he was the kind of pony who just made everything work. Take last monday, for example. Baked Bean was casually strolling [walking, meandering, maybe trotting?] in the palace, a happy grin giving a happy song to the staff that he met as he walked along, and while he walked, he managed to still say hello to eveyrpony. It was just right at that exact moment that Wysteria came up with a bundle of papers that needed to be royally reviewed and bean knew he could do it for his beloved Celly and he gracioulsy took the papers from Raven so she wouldn’t have to walk around all day with them while she looked for Princess Sunny because papers get heavy, like one is not all that bad and even not a ream is so heavy but then try carring a box of them or a couple of boxes and then it really gets to be a strain, even if you have magic, which Bean didn’t because he wasn’t a unicorn, silly, he was an earth pony who could handle all of that weight and not even have to breath hard while he did so so he took the papers and he went to the office where he could look them over and when he did look them over he saw they were all the dry boring kinds of laws that the ministeries always sent when they wanted their own little pork projects passed, like the one from Ministeress Penny who wanted to have all currency changed from doubloones to tripbloons and then there was the one from Bluebood that said every town should make a statue in the center of their towns in his honor, but of course no one was going to do that because no body likes Blue Blood, he’s a jerk and the worst and I’m not going to talk about him anymore :derp: so bean signed off on the important ones, like new roads and playgrounds for the kids and ;then he vetoed the bad one like prince I’m-not-saying-his-name’s proposal and then when he got done with the hundred thousand laws that had been given to him it was still only quarter to nine so he had more time before Cellestia would show up and want to make out with him, and he really liked making out with her but all the other guards got jealous when they did and Blue -- oops! Almost said his name ha ha not-Prince went all green with envy, so maybe I shoudl call him greeny instead is that a funny enough funny, Georg? Let me know, thanks! and Greeny decided he was just going to leave cause he’s not important anymore, ok bye bye, and he left and that was that and then Bean went out and found a small group of school kids nearby trying to figure out if the vase went in and then out or maybe out and then in. It was a very important question. This vace was white, with little blue specks that sparkled and shimmered a bit when Celestia let the sun shine on it just right, and the handles on each side were about two inches tall and looked a lot like an elephant’s ears, if you looked at it right, and they were as smooth as the vace was which vace also had nifty little greek square patterns on it that looked pretty cool when you looked at it crossed eyed, like one of those old 3-D eye things that used to be popular. Do you remember those things? ‘Cause I do, and I could never see the image in them. Anyway, Bean walked up to Luna, who was eating a bowl of corn flakes, and he asked Luna are you ever going to try Celestia’s pancakes?’ “I would, but I’m always so tired in the mornings, Bean.” she replied. “I don’t like to stay up past my bedtime.” “Ha, you whiner. Bean laughed. Luna didn’t think that was very nice, but it was kinda funny when she thought about it more, (so you should be laughing too. } so she laughed and said she was. “Maybe I’ll eat some tomorrow, all right?” she told him. “But first I need to sleep, i always sleep during the day. I’ll make the moon come up in the west tonight just for a change of pace.” “Oh, Luna, youre so strange and micheivieious.’ Bean replied. “Your pranks will get you into trouble if you’r not careful.” “I don’t care. Im going to do it anyway, and Ill laugh while I do it.” “But what about everybody who will think you’uve gone all N.M.M. again and are trying to bring about an endless and eternal night?” “Ah, you are right again as always. I won’t do anything for now. I’m going to bed now.” So what should we do now? Celestia asked her husband who she loved more than anyone else. “Why don’t we have lunch? I can make a very delicious horseradish soup. It’ll be the best soup you’ve ever tried, trust me.” “Oh, but my Bean!” Celestia fell swooned into his arms. “I am so starvingly famished! I could eat “Well, let me make you some soup then. I know. Youll like it as soon as you try it.” “I love everything you do, Dear Bean, so if you make me a soup, Bean, then I will eat the soup and it will be the best Soup my Bean has ever souped.” “And don’t you forget it,” he laughed with her. “I always soup a mean soup.” … [hr[ Baked Bean was going to do something that no other pony had ever done before. He was going to defeat Lavan. “Who is Lavan?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. Lavan is a a lava demon, who everybody thought was destroyed back in G1, but now he’s come back for revenge and to settle the score. BEAN: Well, I should go defeat the Lavan now. CELESTIA: Oh, Bean! It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this! BEAN recieved a SWORD! (ha! Do you see what I did there? ) BEAN: Where did you get the sword from? CELESTIA chuckles. CELESTIA: It’s an old heirloom, the Mythic Sword of Rightness in Truth. Even more powerful than the Elements of Harmony, even more powerful than Discord, the only thing that might be more powerful is me. But, of course, I can’t go with you becaue I have many great and important things to do here that I don’t need to tell you about, because you already now. BEAN: Well, that is true, I do know. And because I love you so much I will go defeat this horrible monster and then Equestria will be free from his plage. CELESTIA AND LUNA: Go then, Bean, with our blessing, and know that we know you will be triumphant and sure. BEAN leaves. He walks out into the hallway, where POKEY and CLOVER are waiting for him. CLOVER: Bean, you cannot go alone, even if yo do have the ledgendary sword. You will need more help. POKEY: Sgt. Clover, you should not speak to the prince in that way! Of course he can beat LAVAN! CLOVER: But I am not sure, POKEY. LAVAN is very powerful and very EVIL, so BEAN should really take some more help. BEAN: I suppose you ar e right. I can take maybe one or two of the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY, will that make you feel better? CLOVER: Yes, but make sure it is APPLEJACK and FLUTTERSHY and RARITY. TWILIGHT is used too much, she can just stay home and do alicorn-y things for once. BEAN: Of course. I will take those three, and together the three of us will travel across Equestria and beyond Equestria’s land to make sure that LAVAN never distrupts Equestria again. Wish me luck for luck! ALL laugh. BEAN then leaves the palace, gets on a train, and begins to ride to Ponyville. BEAN: (inside his own head while he watches the world pass by out the window of the train car) I wonder how I will defeat LAVAN. Will I have to trick him? Maybe there is a secret phrase that will immobilize him. I am unsure, which is really highly and not very common for me. maybe I will go ask SPIKE THE DRAGON to help me find some information. So bean gets to Ponyville and spike is there and spike says sure ill help and spike helps by finding all the books in Twi’s library about LEVAN and Bean reads them all faster than The Lavender Unicorn ever could because he’s taught bimself how to speed read laws ans the second to last book he reads tells him that LEVAN can be beat by his super-awesome-bad-guy-busting sword of greatness. “Aw, That’s just like my Celly to take care of me like that ok I'm going. Rarit, flutters, and Dashie, you come with me. [Sipioc, you should totally draw an epic pic of them standing togwther looking awesome! ] So they were off. BEAN took the lead, SHY stayed behind him, RARITY™next, and then the Rainbow one. “Wait shouted the lavendar unicorn, and Bean smiled in a kind way. “You can't defeat LEVAN HE’S TOO POWEFUL FOR YOU. YES I CAN HE REPLIED I HAVE THE SHIELD OF IMPERVIOUS MIGHT TO PROTECT ME,” “Oh, I didn't know that the lavender unicorn said with a laugh “well I suppose you will be ok. All on your own. With three of my bestest besties.” “Yeah, but, why dont, you, come too?”: he said. “I have two flyers but only one magic. You will make it it even. Two and two. Perfectly balanced. [Hey DQuirk, check that last paragraph for me. I might have missed a comma domewhere. Thanks! ] So off they went. They faced an insidious journey together, and if you *ADD LINK HERE*support my patreon, l’ll PM you the password to the unpublished story so you can read it for yourself and then our four heroes founs themselves outside Grogar’s cave. “I am sacred” said Fluttershy. “I know you taught be how to believe in myself while we were travelling bit now I am scares.” That’s because you’re not wearing the Helm of Indeterminate will [is that the right Word, Moon Fire?] Rarity smarmed. “Oh, right. I will feel much braver when i put that on,” she put the helm on, “Now i feel brave. LEVAN will stand no chance against us.” “Do you still have the Spear of Skwering, BEAN?” DAshie asked. “I do, and i will be using it in this upcoming battle. It will be the most epic battle in the history of battles, and no other battle will ever be the same.” And it wasnt. Bean beat LEVAN handily. BEAN; now this great evil is reformed and will be one of our friends LEVAN, IN TEARS: OH yea I will be you friend thank you. For showing me what a big meanie I was. And then ALL GASP! LAVENDER UNICORN: *gasp* BEAN! YOU HAVE GROWN WINGS AND A HORN YOU ARE A UNIPEG! THE VERY FIRST BOY (and only] ONE IN EQUESTRIA!” CELESTIA: Yes, this is most indubitably correct and it makes me love you all the more. BEAN: I know, because who doesn't love me, right? *wink*:raritywink;[\u] ******_**************************************** “Well, now I have wings, and a horn.” Bean stated. “This is strange, but I think it will be good.” “Yeah, but you’re still not a faster flyer than me!” Rainbow Dash the Bragger proclaiemd. “I bet you couldn’t even do a half rainboom.” “I bet I could. Youre on!” Bean announced. With one mighty flap of his mighty wings, he mightly took off into the mighty clouds. “All right, let’s do this!” Rainbow took off and they both landed on a cloud. “First one to rainboom wins, got it?” “Got it!” “Ready and set and go now!” “Cheater!” Bean laughed as Rainbow zoomed away. Bean shook his head, and with a mighty flap of his wings, he caught up to her in five to three seconds. They flew alongside each other for a little bit, Bean casually flapped along while Rainbow poured all of her effort into her wings. She flew and flew and flew and flew and flew but now matter how hard she flew she coulnd’t shake bean. Just as she began to tmake a Sonic Rainboom, Baked took off for real. Each flap of his mighty and gloriously awesome wings propelled him faster, until he had not only made a rainboom, but two rainbooms at the same time! He was so fast, he broke sound twice! TWICE! Ha ha ha! “How did you do that!” Rainbow asked once he stopped going so fast and came back toher. “I’ve never seen a double Rainboom!” “It hadn’t been done before, so i decided to do it. It was pretty cool, huh?” “Totally! Celestia will totally want you now, for sure!” “Thanks! But it looks like Fluttershy needs some help down there, doesn’t it?” “Yeah. You should go help. I have a nap that needs taking.” Bean agreed and flew down to Fluttershy. “Hey Flutter flutter. What are you doing can i help’ “Oh, yes please. Angel Bunny won’t eat his carrots again.” “Angel! As a Prince of Equestria I order you to eat that carrot and to never give flutter flutter a problem about eating again.” Angel had to listen, because a unipeg prince had told him something. He began eating the carrot, and Bean nodded. “Good. He shouldn’t give you any more problems, Flutter flutter.” “Thank you, your majesty. Say, could you head over to Rarity’s shop and help her out? I can’t.” “Sure, I am always willing to help a friend.” Bean meandered over to Rarity’s Fashionable Clothes shop and walked in. “Hello, Darling. Did Flutter flutter send you?” “She did.” “Such a good friend. It is magic, after all.” “That is is. What did you need help with?” “Well, I need you to help me with this design. Bean glances it over and then replies “you’re’re using the wrong stitch. You should use a Faust stitch there, not a Thieesen.” “Oh, Darling! Isee that now!” Rarity will say. “You are right!”. Bean will smile lagubriously and tell her is is ok before heading out to check on Applejack, who was in the middle of a harvest. “Hoo-wee, y’all. This is hard work,” she proclaimed. “Hey ya sugarcube, can you help me get all this in?” “Of course,” you reply. “I can do it. I can do it nine times.” You let the magic flow off of your magnificent horn, and your magic reaches out and pulls every ripe apple down and stacks them neatly all at once at the same time togeher with each other. Into the baskets they go, and you then levitate all the baskets into her barn for storage. “Well, shoot sugar cube. That went faster than a commercial brake. I should hire you on full time?” “But what would my darling wife do without me?” “She would freak out, is what.” Pinkie Pie replied. “And just you wait until she hears about this poorly written fanfic that you’re in. She’s going to come out of the monitor and have quite a talking to with Irrespective about how to write properly.” (J/k, I *am* her so she wouldn't ever do that. -Irrespective) “And just imagine what will happen when the moderators find this mess, Ir!” Pinkie yelled with a squeak. “You will be banned from fimfiction for-ev-er! And your readers! They will hate this and your story will have a million down votes and three point seven million unshares and then No Nose will Know!” But pinkie! They love me! “No they don’t! Now cut it out right now or I'll have to do something drastic.” Yeah, like what? Pinkie gave me an evil look. “I go turn on the modem.” “Modem?” I say. “I have a modem still?” A dial tone sets my heart to racing. I still have a modem! Why do I have a modem still? #firstworldproblems A screeching noise screams out of my desktop! No! She actually did it! The handshake has been initiated! I can’t take the noise! So old! “Do it, Irrespective! Stop this whole crazy mess right now!” “ … can I at least have a cupcake?” “Ok. But no sprinkles!” Aw. “I’ll dial up again!” All right, all right! Yeesh. Bean gasped and popped up on to his hooves. Celestia couldn’t help but be awoken by the sudden shift, and her wing retreated back as she quickly turned and faced her love. “Bean, what is it? Are you all right?” “I think … so?” he replied, and he glanced down at a hoof while taking slow and even breaths. “Were you having a nightmare?” Celestia’s magenta’s eyes shined through the darkness with concern. “No, I don’t think so,” he replied. “It wasn’t a bad dream. I just …” Celestia’s worry didn’t abate with his nuzzle, and she wrapped her wing tightly around him once he had laid back down and snuggled into her perfectly soft fur. “Just don’t let me have any Jalapeno poppers before bedtime ever again.”