//------------------------------// // Chapter 13: A Fancy Party // Story: Rarity has Dyed // by Unwhole Hole //------------------------------// At long last, the party had begun. Rarity was still mildly ill, but her recovery had been quite spectacular. The combination of tea and a long, hot bath had done wonders, in addition to the preponderance of cheese that Sweetie Belle had brought her- -which she had taken with numerous glasses of pony wine that she had been able to hide from Rainbow Dash. The trip to Canterlot had been short and quiet- -exceedingly quiet, in fact, considering how almost all of the town seemed to be in bed, almost as though they had spent the entire night doing something exceedingly important. It hardly mattered to Rarity, though; she was too focused on the preparation she needed to do to be as fabulous as possible. This fabulosity, in fact, went off without a hitch, and Rarity found herself wandering through the grand hall of the Royal Palace, surrounded by ponies in exquisite dresses and suits from designers all across Equestria, all with their manes dyed pink to represent both their solidarity and their substantial charity contribution. For a moment, Rarity paused at the refreshment table. It was considered a faux pause to linger by it for too long, but she had spent the better part of the last two days with nothing to eat except for tea and cheese. As she was taking a glass of pink-colored punch, however, she heard a familiar voice behind her. “Rarity. I’m so glad that you could come.” Rarity turned quickly and tilted her head to look upward. Both Celestia and Luna were looming over her. Unlike the other guests, they were both completely nude, save for their crowns, intricate necklaces, and ornate all-metal shoes that rose to their knees. Had any other pony appeared at such a party like that, it would have been considered scandalous- -but in the case of the Princesses, they had good reason to have their bodies exposed. Namely the fact that they were physically flawless. If Rarity had a body that slender and beautiful, she would walk around in the nude most of the time too. Or at least more often than she already did. “Princesses,” she said, bowing deeply. “I’m honored!” “Oh, Rarity,” laughed Celestia. “There’s no need for that. I think we know each other quite well by now. In fact, I’m surprised we haven’t had you for dinner yet.” Luna suddenly seemed to be paying attention. “I was not aware that doing such was still permitted,” she said. She eyed Rarity. “Although mayhaps we might use the yellow and pink Pegasus instead. This one does not appear as tender…” Celestia looked gravely concerned, but Rarity was far more preoccupied with the fact that she had just received a private invitation from a Princess who was not Twilight, even if it was an informal one. In her shock, she just took a moment to bask in Celestia’s glory- -both figuratively and literally; Celestia tended to generate a substantial amount of radiant heat. Rarity did not know how, but both of the Princess’ manes were dyed for the occasion, despite being more of ethereal projections rather than actual hair. Luna’s mane looked excellent: the normally blue portion of her starry mane had been replaced with hot pink, which contrasted perfectly with the dark rim that still remained around it. When Rarity noticed Celestia’s mane, though, she could not stop herself from cringing. The whole of it had been dyed pale pink. “Oh my,” she said. “Celestia, your mane…” Celestia sighed. “I know. Every year. The same thing, it never goes quite right, and ponies end up afraid of me. Well, more afraid than they normally are. I just can’t fathom why.” As they were speaking, another pony approached the refreshment table. Celestia took notice and leaned down. “Hello there,” she said, putting her head close to that of the other pony. She levitated a fruit from one of the displays. “Do you want to try a banana? They’re VERY fresh…and LONG…” The other pony looked at her with wide eyes, and then burst into tears and ran away shrieking in fear of the banana that Celestia was levitating near her. “See?” sighed Celestia. “I just don’t understand it.” “Yours appears nice, however,” noted Luna. “For a mortal.” “Why thank you,” said Rarity. “I think. Although it certainly is easier for me than either of you. How exactly do you manage to use dye when…you know…” “When our hair is actually a product of our divine effervescence?” asked Luna, raising an eyebrow. “Yes. That.” “It’s something of a rumor that alicorns can never dye,” said Celestia. “It just takes more effort. Look at those two.” She pointed, and Rarity turned her head to see a pair of thestrals, both of whom looked tremendously traumatized and both of whom were, despite their normally threatening bat-like appearance, both dyed completely pink. “Oh my,” said Rarity. “Well, they certainly are in the spirit of the event.” Celestia laughed, and Luna blushed angrily. “Oh no. Those where the two I tasked with dying Luna. To hold her under and whatnot. I’m afraid it may be permanent for them.” “Wait…hold her under?” “Luna is adverse to bathing.” “I am not adverse!” protested Luna. “I in fact bathe with great regularity! I take a bath once a month, whether I need it or not!” “Trust me,” said Celestia, rolling her eyes. “You do. You start to smell like moon cheese.” “FOUL HERESY! My moon is not constructed of cheese! I would know! I spent a thousand years there!” “And whose fault is that?” “Yours, largely! I certainly did not sent myself there!” “Oh, well,” said Rarity, desperately trying to change the subject. “Well…if you ended up dying your…servants…” “Slaves, technically,” said Luna. “I own their bloodline.” “Your…ah. Well. Why are you not dyed completely, then, like they are?” Luna seemed confused. “But my various hairs are dyed. As you can see.” “But your body…” “Oh yes,” said Celestia. She laughed. “I see what you mean. Well, the fact of the matter is…” She reached out her hoof. “Why don’t you just touch me?” “Touch…a Princess…” “Don’t worry,” said Luna, rolling her eyes. “Thou would not be the first to do so.” Rarity reached out and touched Celestia’s hoof. She instantly recoiled in surprise. “You’re- -you’re- -” “Completely hairless. All alicorns are. Like those adorable naked cats.” “But Twilight- -” “Also lacks body hair. Believe me, I’ve checked. That’s how you know the alicornening is working.” “Oh…well…” Rarity made a mental note to get furniture covers for the next time Twilight came to visit to prevent the formation of any greasy stains she might leave. Celestia suddenly looked over Rarity’s shoulder. She suddenly smiled and waved- -something she excelled at, as it was a substantial part of her normal occupation. Rarity turned around to see Prince Blueblood standing near the refreshment table with a substantial pile of cake, looking like a deer caught in some manner of light. He had not even bothered to dye his mane. “Blueblood!” said Celestia. “It’s so good to see you! Why don’t you come over here and- -” “Nooooo!” cried Blueblood, dropping his plate and running away. “No, auntie, incest is NOT wincest!” He ran by Rarity, almost pushing her over. Celestia frowned and yelled after him. “For the last time! We’re not related! Stop pretending to be my nephew!” “Wait,” said Rarity. “He’s NOT actually a Prince?” “Of course not, it’s just his first name.” Celestia paused, and then turned to Luna. “Unless he came out of you.” Luna appeared offended. “I assure you, he did not. I am a virgin queen.” Celestia glowered. “You’re just not going to let that go, are you?” “No. I do not intend to, dear sister.” “If you didn’t spent your whole life lurking in dark corners- -” “And come to parties I’m not invited to? Or does thou forget that I am not at present sealed within a lightless, foodless prison with naught to drink but my own moon-shine?” “It’s exactly that attitude that- -” “What about Cadence, then?” asked Rarity. Celestia and Luna turned toward her, confused. “It should be noted that our dear Cadence is NOT a virgin,” said Luna. “Young Flurry Heart is indeed evidence of that.” “No, no, not that.” Rarity shivered. “In fact, I would have really rather not have had to think about that. I mean, isn’t she your niece?” Celestia and Luna looked at each other. “Well,” said Celestia, “she’s certainly not mine. Luna?” “Not that I’m aware of.” “Then where did we get her from?” “I would not know. It was rather news to me. I actually assumed that she was your daughter until a few months ago.” “You- -how could you think she’s mine?!” “The resemblance, largely, although I do admit that she is indeed substantially more slender than thou.” “Where did we get her…” Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Huh. She’s probably Sombra’s kid. That would make sense with the timeline…” Rarity was somewhat taken aback. “Sombra…as in THE Sombra?” “Maybe. I probably wrote it down somewhere.” She paused. “Although…if she is Sombra’s, then that means she might ALSO be mine…” “I- -uh- -but that means- -” Rarity paused. “But that means Shining Armor is substantially younger than she is…” “And you are substantially younger than me.” Rarity blushed uncontrollably, and Luna rolled her eyes. “Quiet, dear sister, thou art unknowingly making this awkward.” “But I’m Celestia…I know everything!” “Oh my. Rarity?” The voice had come from behind Rarity, and she was forced to turn around again as Celestia and Luna looked up. Rarity did not know what it was about fancy parties, but everyone seemed to sneak up from behind when she was not otherwise paying attention. When she saw who was behind her, though, her jaw clenched somewhat. One of the ponies was none other than Fancy Pants, who Rarity really did not mind and in actuality found rather dashing. The other, however, was Fleur de Lis. Fancy Pants had gone out of his way to change his mane color, but Fleur- -who already had a pink mane- -had barely changed hers at all, save for a single darker streak being added. In addition, she was completely nude, save for a large choker necklace with a sapphire that to Rarity’s assessment looked as though it was as valuable as her entire chain of boutiques. As always, she mostly remained silent as she struck various sexy poses on and around Fancy Pants. Rarity did not like Fleur. In fact, she rather hated her. “Hello Fancy Pants, it’s so good to see you!” Rarity chose to ignore Fleur, but Fleur struck a pose and waved anyway. “It’s certainly good to see you too. I’m substantially relieved that the news from Ponyville was, in fact, incorrect.” “The news? What news?” Fancy Pants looked surprised. “You weren’t aware?” “I’ve been terribly busy preparing for the ball, plus I was sick with a simply horrible cold.” “I had heard that you had died.” Rarity blinked. “Oh. Yes. I did.” Rarity poked at her mane. “I do believe we all did…well, MOST of us…” She glared at Fleur. “You…oh, no,” said Fancy Pants. “Died, not dyed. As in became deceased. You have no idea how relieved I am that the rumors of your death were greatly exaggerated.” “Wait…” Rarity was confused, and a headache that was persisting from her cold was rising slowly behind her eyes. She put her hoof to her face and took a deep breath. “I’m afraid I don’t understand, darling.” She looked up. Fleur was, yet again, striking various provocative poses. This only made Rarity’s headache worse. “Excuse me, Fancy Pants, but is it at all possible to get her to stop doing that for ONE second?” Fancy Pants once again looked confused. “‘Her’? To whom are you referring, Rarity?” Rarity point. “Her.” Fancy Pants looked up at Fleur, and she smiled. He, however, did not; his eyes widened and he cried out in shock, jumping away from Fleur with a surprisingly swift motion. “GAH! Who in the name of Celestia’s glorious rump are YOU?!” “Wait,” said Rarity. “She’s Fleur de Lis. She’s always around you.” “I’ve never seen this mare in my life! You- -what do you mean she’s been around me? And why is she- -NUDE?!” “I had assumed you paid her to be that way. But…you are honestly saying you’ve never noticed her before?” “Most certainly not! I don’t- -why, I never- -how did she even get there?!” “I had no idea my rump was an expression,” said Celestia. Fancy Pants turned several shades of red when he realized that Celestia and Luna- -the latter of whom was trying to suppress laughter- -were still standing there, watching. Celestia turned slowly backward and looked at her rear. “I mean, I suppose it is quite glorious…” “It is said that the sun is the largest celestial body in the solar system, dear sister.” Celestia’s brow furrowed. “Yes. And your moon is quite a bit smaller, if I’m not mistaken.” “Only because I choose to exercise restraint whilst amongst baked goods.” “Are you calling me FAT?” “It is thine rump that has become an expression, dear sister, not mine.” “Oh, it is,” said Rarity. “It just isn’t used nearly as often.” “That describes Luna’s rear surprisingly well, actually,” muttered Celestia. Luna stopped laughing and glared. By this time, Fancy Pants was backing away from Fleur, who was staring at him with a strange smile on her face. She had not spoken a word; Rarity had initially assumed that she was simply very quiet, but now had come to the conclusion that she was quite likely mute. “I can’t believe you never knew she was there,” said Rarity, although she found herself feeling quite relieved. “I had always assumed you two were an item.” “Oh, I never associate romantically with white unicorns. Too much risk of inbreeding, you see.” “Oh,” said Rarity, her hopes falling. “I see. Well, then.” “Is she some sort of parasite? A- -a changeling, maybe?” “No, I would know that,” said Celestia. “It is a known fact that I excel at detecting them.” “Indeed,” added Luna. “If said changelings have chosen to disguise themselves as cake.” “Well at least I can stay awake through their invasions!” “Yes. In a chamber of some manner of warm goo.” “This is why I don’t let you into parties. Here.” She levitated Fleur in her magic. Fleur struggled, but Celestia’s horn was prodigiously long and hard, and therefore there was little she could do to escape the resulting magic. “Whatever you are, you’re just the most adorable thing! Like a little me! In fact, I’d even say there’s a chance you might be my daughter. But you’re just too thin! Come on, let’s get some cake into you!” Celestia leaned in closer, and Fleur’s eyes darted to Celestia’s distinctly dyed gray-pink mane. “And then I know some fun things we can do together!” Fleur cried out silently and struggled even harder, grasping for Rarity and Fancy Pants. It was no use, though; Celestia easily carried her off toward where the cake was just in the process of being served. “I think…I think I need to sit down.” Fancy Pants blotted his forehead with a handkerchief. “You look lovely tonight, Rarity, and thank you for pointing her out to me.” “You're welcome,” replied Rarity, somewhat gruffly. “Take care.” Fancy Pants left, and Rarity turned to Luna in a huff. “I can’t believe he doesn’t date white unicorns. I do believe that is simply racist!” “Inbreeding is not a joke, Rarity of Ponyville. As a pony from Ponyville, I assumed you would be aware of that.” “Why?” Luna raised an eyebrow. “Have you met the Apple family?” Somewhere, Applejack shivered violently. “And in addition, I would hardly call his racism 'suspect'. Do remind yourself that you dwell in a society ruled by beings belonging to a highly specific master race.” “Like you.” “Among others, unfortunately.” Luna glanced over her shoulder at the buffet table, where Fleur was being force-fed cupcakes. “Sometimes I do wonder if it would not have been better to remain as Nightmare Moon…” “That is not something I wanted to know, actually.” “You’ve got to be bucking kidding me,” swore a voice behind Rarity. Rarity groaned. “Ahem!” she said. “I’m doing my best to be polite, but is it absolutely necessary to approach me from behind? I understand that I do indeed have a spectacular tail, and my figure is quite excellent for somepony of my stature, but PLEASE stop sneaking up on me! If you’d tried this with poor Fluttershy you’d either have received the beating of your life or scared the poor thing to death!” “Not my problem.” Rarity turned around and, much to her surprise, found Bon Bon staring back at her. Bon Bon’s naturally bicolor hair had been adjusted so that the blue aspect had been tied into a tight bun on her head, while the pink portion was allowed to flow freely over her otherwise white dress. Rarity actually found it quite fascinating, even though the outfit was overall somewhat minimalistic. “Ah,” said Luna. “I see my sister has been allowing earth-ponies into the parties again. Remind me to summon a vedmak later.” “Summon as many as you want. I assure you, your title as Virgin Queen of Equestria will be quite secure.” “Bon Bon! That’s no way to speak to royalty!” “Can it!” snapped Bon Bon. She took a sharp step forward. “Do you have any idea how much trouble I had to go through to find you? I had to come all the way to Canterlot! I had to wear a dress! I had to keep Lyra up after her bedtime! Do you have any idea what happens if she doesn’t get proper sleep?” “Well, if she’s anything like me- -” “She gets loopy! And trust me, you do not want to see a loopy Lyra!” “It is true,” admitted Luna. “It is indeed an undesirable sight.” “Well, I don’t know how I caused any of that to happen!” “Seriously?” Bon Bon produced a paper from her dress- -Rarity was not sure where she put it, but the idea of internal dress pockets did occur to her and she made a mental note of it- -and passed it to Rarity. Rarity took it in her magic and opened it. “A paper,” she said. “So?” “Right here.” Bon Bon pointed, and Rarity flipped the page to it. When she saw what was printed there, she let out a shriek of horror. “NO! NO! This- -this can’t be! It’s- -” “Incorrect?” “In COMIC SANS!” Rarity swooned and fainted. Luna caught her. “Oh my,” said Rarity. “Thank you, Princess.” “Tis not a problem. I receive precious little physical contact, largely as a result of my alicorn alopecia I suppose.” Luna righted Rarity. “Oh,” she said. “It also looks like ‘dyed’ is spelled wrong.” “Ya think?” “Yes. And I gave Derpy my trust!” Rarity sighed. “I’ll just have to strangle her when I get back to Ponyville.” “Figuratively.” “Excuse me?” “Figurativly strangle her. You can’t actually do it. She’s Derpy.” “But…comic sans! In MY ad!” “No strangling!” “Oh. Well, if you insist.” “I do. And you have to get back to Ponyville. RIGHT NOW.” “Darling, that simply isn’t possible! This party is desperately important- -” “No. You don’t understand. The entire town? Yeah. They all think you’re dead. Except Pinkie Pie for some reason. She thinks you faked your death or got stolen or something stupid. She forced me to investigate under threat of being blackmared.” “Black! OH MY!” Rarity nearly fainted again. “You would look TERRIBLE in black! All ponies would! There’s not a pony alive who can pull off that look!” “Ahem,” said Luna. “I am indeed quite sure that I was able to.” “Well, yes, but- -” “And Chrysalis,” said Celestia, returning from the buffet with her mouth covered in cake crumbs and Fleur hanging limply at her side. “She’s black. And pretty hot. If I wasn’t supposedly related to Cadence, I would have married Shining Armor off to her.” “Chrysalis has a green underbelly, it adds contrast! That doesn’t count!” “It makes me uncomfortable that you called it an ‘underbelly’.” “I as well,” agreed Luna. “It is indeed strange.” She noticed Fleur and pointed. “Is that one dead?” Celestia just shrugged. Bon Bon groaned loudly. “LOOK!” she said. “There’s not even a reason to be here! Why the heck would you have a breast cancer charity ball when, as ponies, WE DON’T HAVE BREASTS?!” Celestia and Luna both looked down at themselves. Celestia even went so far as to inspect Fleur. “Sister…?” “I know, Luna. I never noticed it before either.” “Rarity. Trust me on this. We have to go. NOW.” Rarity sighed, and then turned toward the Princesses. “I’m terribly sorry, my Princesses. I suppose this is a matter I really do have to attend to. It serves me right for not doing my own printing.” “Oh, it’s fine,” laughed Celestia. “These things happen. Rather often, actually.” “Indeed,” said Luna. “Have no fear, Rarity, we will be in touch. Figuratively.” “Or literally,” added Celestia. When the others looked at her in horror, she shrugged. “What? I really like being hugged!” Rarity and Bon Bon left, leaving Celestia and Luna alone. “Now,” said Celestia. “Which one of them was my daughter again?” “I would suppose the white one. She is fat, like you. That said, you have no daughters. It is my opinion that thou hast acquired the old.” “Still older than you. That’s why I’m everypony’s favorite.” “For now, yes.” Luna pointed at Fleur. “Now. I am quite famished indeed. Can we have her for dinner?” “No. You were right the first time. We’ll wait for Fluttershy. She certainly does seem so very tender…”