Slowly, Time Turner regained consciousness. Doing so was not pleasant, as waking up came with an extreme pain in the side of his head. He distantly remembered having been hit by something. A memory slowly came back to him of walking through the local park when he came upon a large stack of rocks- -and then blackness.
“Blimey,” he said, shaking his head. He tried to lift his hooves to his head, but found that he could not. Bemusement came over him, then surprise- -and finally fear as he realized that he had been tied to a chair.
A blinding light suddenly appeared in front of him, and he squinted.
“Who’s there?” he called, his voice quavering.
A giggle came from somewhere past the light. “Time Turner,” said a vaguely familiar voice. “You weren’t exactly easy to catch. And just so you know, I missed a witch burning to be here. And you know how much I love a good witch burning. I had some really good zingers prepared. But this is more important.”
“I- -I don’t know who you are. I can’t see anything! And I seem to be tied to a chair. It is certainly not the first time, but I’m a tad dumbstruck as to how this situation came about- -”
The light shifted slightly, and the face of a mare appeared in the glow. When he realized that it was Pinkie Pie, Time Turner realized that he was, as they said in the Crystal Empire- -usually concerning Shining Armor- -royally screwed. This situation had indeed taken a turn for the worse.
“I ask the questions here, wise guy!”
“But I didn’t ask- -”
“I ASK THE QUESTIONS! I’M THE PSYCHOLOGIST HERE!”
“I- -”
“Oop! I meant ‘interrogator’. Sorry. Freudian slip there. And not the one that involves my dad on a banana peel.” Pinkie Pie cleared her throat and began to pace. “So. You’re going to want to answer my questions. Okay?”
“There must be some mistake…is this even legal?”
Pinkie Pie leapt on him with so much force that his chair was pushed back across the floor. “I AM THE PSYCHOLOGIST! We’ve done the research! On the day that Rarity ‘died’, you entered her shop that morning. You might very well be the last one to see her ‘alive’. WHY?”
“I- -I- -I was picking up a tailored bow tie! Because bow-ties are cool!”
“No they aren’t! Unless they spin!” Pinkie Pie leaned in closer- -so close that Time Turner could smell frosting and see the powder of confectioner’s sugar on her nose where she had been snorting it. “Did it spin?” she whispered.
“No,” admitted Time Turner, slowly. “I also went to ask her if she could make a fez…but she refused. She said it was a horrible idea. But fez’s are cool too!”
“Hmm…”Pinkie Pie stroked her chin. “I suppose I can’t argue with that. But I also think you’re lying.”
“No, I really did want a fez- -”
“Not about that.” Pinkie Pie stepped back and began to pace again. “See, I think you helped set this whole thing up. I’m not stupid. I know Rarity faked her own death- -and YOU helped her. That’s not the question. The question is whether she contacted you to make it happen…or if you faked it yourself to cover someone else’s tracks.”
“If I may make a note, that isn’t exactly a question…”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened. “So it’s going to be like that, is it? I didn’t want to have to do it. I really didn’t.” She giggled. “Can’t say that with a straight face! I totally did! It makes it more fun when you have to MAKE them talk!”
Pinkie Pie disappeared from the light, but returned a moment later. She was holding something in her hoof, but because Time Turner’s head was taped to the chair he could not see what it was. Then, slowly, Pinkie Pie held up something grotesque and horrible- -and Time Turner realized that his situation was indeed far worse than Shining Armor’s.
“N- - no!” he gasped as he saw the pear. “You- -you wouldn’t! Pinkie, I know you! You couldn’t- -you wouldn’t! You- -”
Pinkie suddenly lunged forward. Before Time Turner could resist, she shoved the pear into his mouth and pressed on his chin, forcing him to bite down. The pear was perfectly ripe, and as the juice dribbled down his chin. Time Turner’s eyes went wide as he started to weep.
“Now. I’m willing to take that pear out. But only if you agree to tell me the truth. As in the Applejack kind of truth. Okay?”
Time Turner sobbed quietly but managed to nod his head. Pinkie Pie then carefully removed the pear.
“Well?”
“Alright! Alright! Please, no more! You’ve broken me! I’m- -I’m not really a Timepony! I’m just a regular pony! I’m not nine-hundred years old, I’m thirty seven, I just say that because I lack confidence in my age! I don’t travel time, I can’t even study it- -my special talent is for repairing hourglasses! That’s it! I spend my life changing sand! And sometimes I strap on fake wings and pretend to be somepony else- -” He broke down sobbing. “I’m a failure! A failure!
“Pinkie.” Bon Bon emerged from near the light. “This clearly isn’t working.”
“Darn it,” swore Pinkie. “I knew I should have used a Barlett instead of a Bosc…”
“That’s not the problem. The problem is he doesn’t have anything to say.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying he doesn’t know anything.”
“Of course he does! He has to! He was the last one to see her before she disappeared!”
“I told you, that could be coincidental. I have nothing else on him.”
“Which is exactly why we need to make him TALK. I mean, you’re a secret agent. Do some secret things or something!”
“I don’t usually need to do…this. I prefer to use seduction. The thing is, I’m not an amblyoptic Pegasus. So that’s not going to work.”
“I can do it,” said Lyra. She pushed past Bon Bon.
“Lyra, this isn’t the time for…”
Bon Bon trailed off as she watched Lyra put a metal horseshoe on one of Time Turner’s front hooves. He was unable to resist, as his wrist was tied down. It was only then that all three of them noticed the set of nails protruding from Lyra’s mouth, and the hammer she was levitating in her magic.
Time Turner suddenly went silent before he began to scream.
“No- -NO! DON’T! YOU CAN’T!”
“I assure you,” said Lyra, “I’m a registered farrier…”
“Lyra!” cried Bon Bon. “What- -what are you doing?”
Lyra looked up at Bon Bon. “I was going to shoe him.”
Bon Bon’s color suddenly faded and she looked sick. Pinkie was just confused.
“What does that mean?”
“You know. Nail a horseshoe to his hoof.”
Pinkie Pie immediately turned to the side and spilled her cupcakes on the floor.
“LYRA!” cried Bon Bon. “You- -you can’t do that!”
“But my farrier training- -”
“NO! That’s too far! It’s just too far!”
“I- -I think I’m going to pull a Rarity,” moaned Pinkie Pie, wiping her mouth. “Do we have a fainting couch?”
“Well, fine!” snapped Lyra. “I thought you wanted information out of him, and a nice new set of horseshoes does exactly that! But I guess you don’t want it that bad, do you?”
She pulled the horseshoe off Time Turner’s hoof and threw it across the floor, where it struck a chair leg and circled it perfectly. Time Turner then nearly fainted from relief.
“So now what?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Let’s see.” Bon Bon produced a stack of dossiers and flipped through them. “Hmm…it looks like Rarity stopped at the florist before Time Turner’s appointment.”
“GASP!” gasped Pinkie Pie. “Fluoridation! I knew it!”
Bon Bon raised one eyebrow. “No. Florist. As in flowers. My contact says she made a large purchase.”
“Of flowers?”
“No. Of floral products but not whole flowers. My guess? Perfume-making supplies.”
“Well,” said Time Turner, looking up at them. “Now that you mention it, I do recall Rarity mentioning something about perfume…and a party she was planning on attending.”
Bon Bon turned to him sharply. “And were you planning on telling us this before or after Lyra gave you a permanent set of shoes?”
“I- -um- -well- -it slipped my mind!”
“Clearly.” Bon Bon turned to Pinkie Pie. “It looks like that’s our next lead, then. We need to follow up.”
“Ah,” said Pinkie. “Maud?”
“Yes, Pinkie?”
Lyra and Bon Bon both jumped suddenly, neither of them having realized that Maud was even present in the room. Lyra let out a little squeak and nearly tipped Time Turner over.
“Where the buck did you come from?!” cried Bon Bon.
Maud stared at her blankly, and then slowly lifted her hoof and pointed at Pinkie. “Her mother.”
“Ha ha! Oh, Maud, you’re so silly!”
“Yeah. I know.” She turned slowly toward Time Turner. “So. You want me to dump this one?”
“Yeah. He’s no good. But we’re going to need you to get another. And try not to hit this one so hard this time. If Lyra hadn’t known first aid…”
“No,” said Bon Bon. “That’s not going to work.”
“Why?” asked Pinkie, tilting her head. She gasped. “Ohh! Is she like a unicorn where they get that aneurism thing- -”
“You’re thinking of vedmaks. Not the same thing. Trust me, as a professional monster hunter I would know. No. The thing is, we can’t interrogate Roseluck. I grew up with her. I know her. I can’t do that to her. Daisy maybe, and Lily definitely…but not Rose.”
“Maud, write those names down…”
“If you want to get anything out of Roseluck, you need to go the seduction route.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that,” muttered Lyra.
“I feel quite bad about it, actually,” added Time Turner. “Don’t I get a say?”
“No,” replied Bon Bon. “You don’t. And it’s fine. Because I’m not the one who’s going to be doing the seducing.”
“Ah,” said Pinkie. She turned to Maud. “So it’s up to you.”
“Not a problem,” said Maude. “It wouldn’t be the first time. I’m very appealing.” She blinked very, very slowly. None among them were sure if that was meant to be seductive or was just the speed she naturally blinked.
“No. She doesn’t go with earth ponies. Rose only likes unicorns. She has a thing for horns. Big, long, hard ones…”
“Oh,” said Time Turner, lowering his head. “Great. There goes my self-esteem…”
“I have a horn,” noted Lyra.
“Yes. Which is why you’re going to be seducing her.”
“Wait, what?!”
“I have to look in to the party. And no way Rose is going to go for anything that isn’t brightly colored and pleasant smelling.”
“Again,” said Time Turner. “My feelings…”
“Yeah,” said Pinkie Pie, ignoring Time Turner. “And Maud and me have to dispose of the body…”
Time Turner looked up suddenly. “The still living body, I hope!”
Pinkie looked at him, and then at Bon Bon expectantly.
Bon Bon sighed. “First, ‘Maud and I’. Second, of course still alive. Somebody already offed Rarity, we don’t need another one…”
“Faked!” cried Pinkie. “FAKE offed Rarity!”
“Whatever. There’s a lot of prepwork to do. You two handle the wetwork.”
“I love getting wet!” cried Pinkie. “Don’t you too, Maud?”
Maud paused for a long moment. “Yes.”
The two of them then descended on Time Turner, preparing him to be released. Bon Bon departed rapidly, wondering which of her many dresses would be the most appropriate for the party but deciding that she should do more reconnaissance first.
Within a matter of seconds, Lyra was left alone. She sat, frowning.
“Great,” she said. “I have to seduce a mare I barely know. How the heck am I supposed to do that?” She groaned and put her hoof on her head. “You know what?” she said, standing and igniting her horn. “Buck that. I’ll do it the correct way.”
As she departed, the hammer she had set down levitated and followed her- -along with four heavy iron horseshoes and plenty of long, sharp nails.