A knock came at the door. Lyra Heartstrings hummed as she approached it, surprised that anypony was coming this late. The sun had just started to set, and usually most ponies had gone home by this time of day. Still, Lyra enjoyed company, so she hummed gladly to herself as she opened the door.
No one was there. Lyra looked around for a moment, confused, when she felt a hoof slowly slide around her body.
“Heeeey,” whispered Pinkie Pie, pulling her close.
“P- -Pinkie!” squeaked Lyra, her body suddenly freezing. “How did you get in my house?!”
“You opened the door, silly! And you don’t lock your windows.” She giggled. “You’re almost as bad as Twilight!”
“Pinkie,” called a much more stern voice from the darkness of the inside of the house. Bon Bon appeared from the shadows. “Get your hoofs off her. She doesn’t like to be touched.”
“Bon Bon! Just the pony I was looking for! Not that you’re hard to find. I’m pretty sure I saw you, like, twenty times in the background before I got here.”
“What do you want, Pinkie?”
Pinkie squeezed Lyra tighter. Lyra whimpered. “I’m working on a project. And I need your help.”
“Not interested.” Bon Bon stepped forward, and moved her hoof covertly under and end table.
“If you’re looking for the crossbows you stashed all over the place, I removed them.” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Somepony could get hurt, you know…”
Bon Bon’s expression changed only slightly, but Pinkie Pie recognized the slight twitch. Although she had been born pink, she was a rock pony at heart. She could smell fear. “You read the paper. I know you do, because who doesn’t? Apart from Applejack. Because I’m not actually sure if she CAN read. Because, you know, farm.”
“You grew up on a farm.”
“And I can’t read a lick. Have you ever tried to read a lick? It’s not easy. But I’ve licked a reed, if that counts.” Pinkie shook her head suddenly, causing Lyra to quiver. “But that’s not the point. It’s Rarity.”
“Yeah. I know. It’s unfortunate. Now get out of our house.”
“It’s a lie.”
“What?”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “It has to be. Full page makes sense, but Rarity’s obituary would be a LOT longer. And not in comic sans. I should know. I wrote her one already. When I planned her funeral.”
“You…you planned your friend’s funeral?” peeped Lyra.
Pinkie Pie laughed. “Oh, silly, I plan ALL my friends’ funerals! It’s one of the most important parties of them ALL! I’ve planned Applejack’s, Fluttershy’s, Rainbow Dash’s…and Twilight’s, but I’m pretty sure she’s immortal now, so I guess that doesn’t help. I’ve planned both of your funerals, actually. Aw, heck, I’ve even planned MY OWN! There will be CAKE! And I’ll get the old False Dimitri treatment out of a party cannon…”
“Bon Bon!”
“So you think she isn’t dead,” said Bon Bon, calmly.
“Of course not, silly! She’s obviously faking her own death! Maybe somepony’s after her! Or maybe she got deformed in some freak dressmaking accident! Or maybe they just want us to think she’s dead…”
“They?” asked Lyra.
“THEY!” cried Pinkie, causing Lyra to cringe and quiver.
“And how are we supposed to help you? We have nothing to do with this.”
“Well, you’re a secret agent, aren’t you?”
“I’m not going to confirm that.”
“…and Lyra is a descendent of an ancient order of anti-Celestial techno-knights…”
Bon Bon’s eyes widened. “Wait a second- -Lyra, what the heck? Is that true?!”
Lyra’s eyes suddenly went wide. “Um…”
“Lyra, tell me the truth!”
“I- -uh- -Bon Bon, I mean- -” Lyra blinked. “You know all those fancy sugar cubes you hid and didn’t think I knew about? The ones with the rose petals in each one? Yeah. I ate them. All of them.”
“LYRA! I was saving those!”
“See! You’re perfect!” Pinkie squeezed Lyra again. “So are you two going to help me figure out this case?”
“No,” said Bon Bon. “Now get out before I have to throw you out. I have to have a talk with Lyra about eating my food.”
Pinkie Pie sighed. “I thought you might say that. But you can’t really refuse. My friend’s life is in danger. So…I’m going to have to blackmare you.”
“Go ahead and try. You don’t have anything on us.”
“Oh, I think I do.” Pinkie Pie produced a metal pail. Lyra looked into it and gasped. It was filled completely with indelible black ink, and the handle of a paint brush was protruding from the opaque fluid.
“You- -you wouldn’t!”
“Oh, I would.” Pinkie Pie giggled and leaned in close, holding Lyra’s face near to her own as she gave a horrible toothy smile. “You’re going to help me, or…” she poked at the brush. “…I’m going to blackmare you. You’ll look like a bad OC by the time I’m done with you! Teehee!”
“But- -but- -I’m pretty teal! I can’t be black! It doesn’t suit my personalityyyy!” Lyra began to sob. Pinkie Pie only laughed.
“So you’re going to help me, then?” she said, leaning in closer. “Because I won’t do it right now. I’ll wait. When you’re sleeping, or on the toilet, or when you least expect it. Don’t try to run. No matter how far you go, I’ll be there, waiting. I’ll track your delicious…minty…smellllll…” Pinkie Pie leaned in close and licked Lyra’s neck. Lyra began to weep outright.
Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to be dramatic. Fine, even if it’s just to humor you. It’s not like I had much else going on.”
“But- -we were going- -to go- -bench sitting!” sobbed Lyra.
“We can still do that. And I kind of prefer being eggshell.”
“Excellent!” said Pinkie, releasing Lyra and stepping into the middle of the floor. She stuck out her tongue and began to wipe some of the teal hairs free from it. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be unconscious now. Because I can hear smells. Trixie was right…”
Pinkie Pie collapsed onto the floor and began to convulse. Bon Bon just smiled and shook her head.
“Ha. I remember the first time I licked a unicorn. Suck it up, Pinkie.” She poked at Pinkie’s head and then looked at Lyra. Bon Bon frowned. “I can’t believe you ate my sugar cubes. Dang it, I might blackmare you myself I’m so peeved!”
“Can you do stripes?” asked Lyra. “I’d be like a zebra.” She paused. “Wait. Is that racist?”
“Probably. But we can find out later. I’ve got to go find my spy stuff right now.”
“And I’ll go get my power armo- -I mean my…um…hat.” She looked down at Pinkie, who was foaming at the mouth and whispering in tongues. “And some physostigmine before she, you know…dies.”
“Yeah,” sighed Bon Bon. “I don’t even know which direction Poland is from here.”