Chapter Four: Doin’ Dirt
It took me a few days and a lot of Maud’s poultice for my wounds to heal, but that was considerably faster than they would have healed up in Avalesce. It was absolutely astounding to feel the insatiable fucking itch that came on the second and third days because I never knew something could ever feel like not scratching it would make me want to rip my face off. It was hellish in the worst of ways, and there’s nothing that would make those days interesting because it was mostly just Maud feeding me a sleeping tea so that I wouldn’t rip my bandages off and tear my wounds apart. It was good sleep, and on the fifth day of me healing up, the itch was bearable and Maud let me go get some real food instead of the nutrition smoothie she’d been feeding me.
She’d yet to say anything about what she wanted from me, but it was understood in The Catacombs that I was under her wing. When I got to the Mess Hall and met up with Frieda, Schrade, and Steely, they were keen to make me well aware of that. Schrade saw me first when I came into the massive chamber and called out, “Well, well, well! If it isn’t our murderous thief! Come have a bite, Gauche!”
Frieda caught my eye and waved me over, but I was already walking toward them after I’d located Schrade. “If it isn't Maud's little Boy-Toy! How are you feeling, Bud?” She called across the chatter in the room.
“Minotaurs and Griffins are competing for my least favourite race at the moment.” I called back. “Why is it that Ponies seem so nice compared to you sharp and brutish fucks?”
The three of them laughed at that and so did a few of the people that heard me, but I’d caught the attention of a guy who’d been next to me when I said that. He tapped my arm before I could pass him and I stopped. “What’s up, Bruv?”
The Pony guy gave me an up-nod. “Wanted to talk to you. Ask for Brutal Bash later when you have a free moment.”
I looked at the brown-coated, tan-maned, well-sculpted fellow. “Sure thing, Bruv. Any reason why?”
“Gotta give you your cut of the swag you brought in with you and give you back your gear. I’m tellin’ you now that you lost a little over a thousand Minosian drachs since Bite-Back pays for people getting killed.” Bash explained.
I gave him a hearty frown. “Bullshit since I didn’t start that fight, but that’s not on your head, so I’m not about to complain to you about it. Helps to chalk it up as payment for the healing though.”
He nodded. “That’s what Quarter-Chief Odysseus declared it as, but everyone knows better. If you want your money back, you can feel free to Fistifuss with him for it, but, and I’m giving you fair warning here, Odysseus kills people in one hit, and he’s faster than me. I’m faster than you. Do the math on that one yourself.”
I raised a brow. “Am I going to owe you for this info, or what?”
“I already looked over that dagger of yours, so we’re straight.” Bash said like that was supposed to mean something.
“Why’d my dagger catch your eye? Thesuvian Steel isn’t that interesting.”
He raised a brow in turn. “I’m the Small-Arms Instructor. Your blade tasted blood and that got my attention. I maintain most of the weapons around here, and patterned steel like yours is something that few enough people bother with when it comes to small-arms. Our Minotaur Smiths might make the occasional Stroma style knife, but they’re always sold as showpieces: They never see actual combat since they’re more valuable to dumb Nobles than real knife wielders since we’ll use just about anything that’s well made, keeps an edge, and isn’t too hard on the hands.”
“Understandable, but Thesuvian slash Stroma style stuff is just superior to single-layer steel period. Keeps an edge better, doesn’t reflect light as consistently, and I’ve caught a claymore with my knife before: layered steel is a lot more durable than you might be giving it credit for.” I replied, invested in the conversation since we were talking about something interesting.
“So you’d rather spring for something marginally better than another thing just because of that margin?” Bash asked skeptically.
“That margin matters when you’re living by the skin of your teeth.” I said wisely. I can call myself wise because you don’t see past twenty-five in Capersport unless you catch some wisdom.
“Fair enough. I’m gonna start eating again.” He said casually.
I looked at the plants and fruits on his plate. “Here’s hoping that it’s not all leafy greens in here.”
The unenslaved brown guy went back to eating his meal freely without anyone watching him and I reminded myself that I was on a different planet. It was weird to me. I’ve never liked slavery, but it’s a fact of life, and seeing someone darker than a Denosian not be in shackles chains was like me walking through a shop and not thinking about raiding the register. It made me wonder how Mothica was doing as a country, but I doubted that it was ever going to stop selling off its own people to pay for what-the-fuck-ever warship/airship they were building next. I didn’t dwell on it too long before grabbing some food from the serving station and joining Schrade and his crew.
When we were finished eating, the conversation started up with Frieda asking, “So where in Tartarus’ hot pits did you learn to fight like that? I’ve never seen such unorthodox moves from someone that wasn’t an instructor.”
I gave her a dull look. “You get good at fighting when you get tired of getting your arse handed to you on a silver platter. I knew of a few guys that weren’t worth wasting my life on, but for the most part, I’m self-taught.”
Schrade nodded. “Training you would make you even better.”
“I don’t like being trained. Most people who want to train me are assholes.” I replied flippantly.
The Cell Leader gave me a dull look. “I hope that wasn’t a jab at me.”
“Do you think you could take me?” I asked.
“Without a doubt. You’re unarmed right now.” He said. “Without those little wrist blades and your knife, I doubt you can hit hard enough to put someone down.”
I gave him a fucked up look because I happen to be around a hundred and eighty pounds and nearly, if not a little over, six feet tall. “What kind of Helix Root have you been smoking? Just because I aimed for kills in that little scrap doesn’t mean I don't know how to floor someone without shedding blood.”
“You’re pretty cocky.” Schrade commented flatly.
“What part of ‘I back it up’ do you not understand? Did you think I’d manage to take down six of your trained Bite-Back fucks solo when you met me?” I asked.
Steely bellowed out a laugh. “Ah, it’s great to hear you get countered, Schrade. You might not have seen the fight personally, but I did! Our friend here is faster than you.”
Schrade spread his claws. “He doesn’t have built in knives.”
“It must suck to wank off when you can’t grab your micro-peen without cutting it off.” I said frostily.
Schrade gave me a dull look. “If I challenged you to hand-to-hand combat-”
“Schrade, shut up.” Frieda sighed. “If you contested for CQC and said that Gauche couldn’t use weapons, you’d be a laughing stock. That’s like asking an Earth Pony to fight you barehanded.”
Schrade colored. “Earth Ponies have their own strengths. It would be fair enough.”
Frieda looked at him with zero patience. “The jealous fledgling act is pathetic, Boss. Gauche is good. Get over it.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” He sniffed.
I rolled my eyes. “Believe that I live up to my talk when I finish my mission with Maud tonight. I’m pretty sure she’s just coming to observe, so if anything, you can trust her word.”
Schrade just shook his head and left the table, so I turned to Frieda and asked, “Alright, what’s his deal?” I looked at Steely. “He was as cool as watercress yesterday, and now he’s saltier than Sure Death Sea.”
Frieda scoffed. “He’s just mad that you’ve, one, caught my eye, two, caught Maud’s, and three, managed to handle three more people at once than he could. Schrade’s great at fighting the races smaller than Naga, but he can’t do what you did, and that makes him jealous. It doesn’t really help that you two are alike in more ways than one.”
Steely chuckled. “Schrade is an upset child. He will like you after you trounce him.”
“Steely, you’re stupid.” The former hooker said factually. “If they actually went at it and Gauche won, Schrade would kill him for it.”
“Ah. Prideful like that, eh?” I asked.
“He’s not a bad guy, just touchy sometimes.” Frieda defended. “Still. I’d appreciate it if you took the high road when it comes to dealing with my dumbass, feather-brained cousin.”
“He’s a distant cousin, right?” I asked.
“Yeah, but I still think incest is weird. Gryphus-born Griffins and Dogs are weird like that.”
Steely nodded. “Bloodlines are encouraged to mix in Minosia. Minotaurs learned long ago that laying with your cousin ends with a handicapped calf.”
I gave him an odd look. “But Minotaurs can’t marry outside of the species, right?”
He nodded again. “True. The tradition was put in place to grow the Minosian Population. Breeding herds are given funding from The Iron Crown to have the largest family possible. I have eight siblings by blood, forty-one more by half.”
“... Minotaurs aren’t monogamous?” I asked confusedly.
“Oh Tartarus no, dude.” Frieda laughed. “Cows outnumber Bulls ten to one, easy, just like Mares and Stallions. If a Bull doesn’t catch at least five cows in his herd, then he’s not a Bull.”
“... Holy shit.” I breathed. “That’s too many fuckin’ kids.”
“It is a lively way to grow up to be sure.” Steely said happily. “I spent many hours fighting my brothers and sisters for a place at my father’s side. I won more often than not.” He smiled as he looked off into the distance and reminisced about doing something I thought only cutthroat Nobles did.
Frieda saw the look on my face while I tried to process that information. “Yeah, Steely will kick your ass. He’s a match for Maud on his best day.”
“Noted. Guess who’s cutting his pride and running when it gets hairy?”
“You really do come from the streets.” She let loose another little laugh that was nice to hear. Frieda’s voice really was alluring, but her former profession probably had more to do with that than anything else.
Something struck me as I remembered a little detail that Frieda’d told me. “Heya, didn’t you say a Minosian Prince gave you a good reason to stop hooking? I thought Minotaurs-”
“They’re not.” She said, cutting me off without hesitation. “He wasn’t the one who got punished for it, and that’s all you need to know.”
“Fair enough. Don’t let me speak on a touchy subject.” I said, backing down without a fight.
The birdy-kitty hybrid gave me a nod of appreciation. “Kudos on having more tact than Steely and Schrade.”
“Tch. Decent women are my weakness.” I admitted, not expecting it to be taken seriously.
“You’ve got Maud watching you, Bud. If you’re trying to make a move, you’d better clear it with her before you get me killed.” Frieda warned.
“No offense, but I don’t wanna kiss a beak.”
“I once kissed a Griffin as a result of losing to Odysseus. It was unpleasant.” Steely grunted.
I gestured toward him. “And it’s confirmed. Beaks aren’t made for kissing.”
“They’re good for clipping off appendages and pecking.” Frieda said flatly.
“You might have a pecker too, but if you come after mine, I’m slugging you.” I replied in the same tone.
Steely bellowed out laughter at a joke that really wasn’t all that funny. “He refers to his meat and your face simultaneously! Pecker!”
Freida shuffled her wings. “I’ll peck you, beef boy. Keep in mind that your kind are only two legs away from being cattle.”
Steely gave her a wide smile. “Bitter words from someone with no comeback. I do wish you were a Cow some days, my friend.”
She clicked her beak a couple times. “Even if I was, I’d spend more time figuring out how to stab you so that you wouldn’t die from it than fucking your meaty ass.”
“I’ve heard of a few Brothel Broads doing just that. Fucking men, that is.” I said with a shit eating grin. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Steely here liked taking it up the hole beneath the tail.”
Steely flushed and Frieda giggled. “He does seem like the type to be on the bottom, doesn’t he? It’s not like he has any Cows in his herd either.” She teased ruthlessly.
Our victim snorted loudly. “I have cows in my herd! I am still young, so I am simply adding more as I see-”
“Oh really?” Frieda interjected. “Why don’t you take us to one of them?”
Steely’s fists were clenched tight. “I am not a Bull-Bucker you harlot.” He seethed.
Frieda clicked her beak once and I poked the bear with, “Methinks the lady dost protest too much.”
“Fight me.” He snarled.
I couldn’t help it. “I’d rather run from you. You might try and make me fuck you.”
My instincts told me to get lost around the same time Frieda’s must have given the same message because she was only a second behind me as we dashed away from the literal raging Bull that was her comrade. I should say ‘our’, but I felt like I was being hired rather than truly joining the fold, so the separation stays. I didn’t look behind me until I was at the entrance of the Mess Hall, and that was enough time for me to see Steely as he prepared to charge me, doors be damned. I had no idea where my partner in crime fucked off to, so I made a choice that I considered reasonable and got the fuck out of there because I trusted Frieda’s word. Steely was probably going to kill me if he could get his hands on me, and living is one of the things I do best.
I departed from the crime scene (Verbal torture is a crime, right?) and made my way down the hall casually, walking at a lackadaisical pace. Oh, no, actually, what I meant to say was that I fucking zoop zapped my way the fuck away from the Mess Hall because my stomach was telling me that a few broken bones were the least of my worries. My anus was telling me that we needed to make a stop, and I really don’t scare easy. I haven’t really been scared in the past eight years, ever since I escaped from the horrors of gaol, but fear was steadily making its way back into my life the longer I stayed on Equis. That fear only grew when I heard Steely’s roar of fury from down some random hall that I hadn’t been paying attention when I’d sped down it, but I figured that stopping was going to get my shit wrecked. Full stop.
It took me six full minutes of running like the hounds of Hael themselves were dogging my heels before I stopped, but even then I was still a little queasy. My gut told me that I was out of the fire and back into the frying pan, which became all to apparent when I got hit with a flying pair of tongs that were a lot heavier than they looked after they bounced off of me. Shit hurt, and when I went to threaten the fucker that threw said tongs at me, a little more hurt was added to that by way of a mallet hitting me in the tender bits.
“If it isn’t the new guy.” A deep, irritated voice growled. “You think you can just run into my quarters like you own the place?”
I looked up after taking a second to make sure I could still shoot my shot and saw a Minotaur glaring at me with a Unicorn by her side. The Stallion looked scared, but the Cow looked salty. “Fuckin’ ow. Fuck I do to you?”
“Killed my half-sister. And my brother.” She spat.
“Cleft started the fuckin’ fight! She was gonna kill me!”
I saw her heft a hammer that looked a little too big for me to not get killed by. “Shoulda died then.”
“Maud’ll fuck you up.” I grunted.
She lowered the hammer. “... Not if I-”
“He’s right, Perse (Pronounced Per-see).” The Stallion said shakily. “Cleft got herself and Cleave killed, and getting revenge is going to get you killed. It was as fair a fight as it could have been, and all the higher-ups think so too.”
Perse snorted and spat on the floor. “... Piece of shit better be out of my quarters in the next minute. Maud and Odie be damned.”
“Kerrick.” The Stallion said, which earned him a savage blow before Perse stormed off.
I was back on my feet by then, so I trudged over to check up on the guy. “Heya, you alright, Bruv?” When I got over to him a couple seconds later, I offed him a hand up.
His face was already swelling pretty bad, but he was conscious. “I’m awwight. You godda go doe.”
I gave him a nod. “I won’t forget your help, Bruv.”
He gave me a weary nod and we parted ways, but I couldn’t help but feel like I had something to do when I got back from my mission with Maud. It was something to put more thought into later, but as it was, the coast was clear and my gut wasn’t giving me any signs, so I just asked my way back to Maud since I had nowhere else to go at the moment. I stopped and chatted with quite a few people to get a feel for what the buzz about me was, and for the most part, it was clear enough to get a good idea of who to avoid.
Most of the Minotaurs in The Catacombs were either related to Cleft or respected her a great deal, so I considered avoiding most of the overly aggressive fucks to be my best course of action. Schrade managed to get a lot of the Griffins to like me since his jealous streak was notorious and most of his kin just wanted to see him get put in his place since he thought he was tougher than he was, but the same could be said about me on a smaller scale since I admittedly talk myself up whenever prompted. The Ponies were wary of me because of my relationship with Maud, and I didn’t think that it would get any better if I mentioned that I’d helped an Equestrian Princess escape possible capture, or even death in the worst case. There were only a handful of Naga in Bite-Back in the first place since they were a tribal race, and the only Dragon I met was happy to talk to me, but I did manage to find out that the Cats in the Catacombs were largely fond of my fighting style. The Dogs didn't care about me since I wasn’t a blooded member of the club, and that went for all of them according to the four I managed to talk to.
Dogs are assholes.
I eventually made my way back to Maud after I got my half-arsed network put-together and she greeted me with a Maud Nod. “You have stirred up trouble.”
“The thing with Steely was because he was playing Peanut Gallery with me and Frieda and the thing with Perse was because the Minotaurs don’t understand that I didn’t start the fire.”
“Minotaurs tend to develop racist views when it comes to interactions in which their race falls short.” Maud replied drolly. She waited until I was somewhat close to come and grab my hand to lead me off to somewhere. “However, calling a single Bull gay is foalish. Even if they are a Confirmed Bachelor, to point it out is inviting trouble into your lap.”
“What if a Cow goes ‘gay’?” I used air quotes since I was only guessing that the word meant something along the lines of tribad.
“It is commonly accepted. Not all cows are herd-worthy in Minosian eyes, and some prefer their own sex anyway.”
“I never understood tribad people, but it’s not like I have to fill their shoes.” I said. I really never gave two shits about who someone else stuck their dick/tongue in since it wasn’t my dick/tongue. That, and the hypocritical Priests of Sylphis were some sick fucks. Took a few hits from children on those bastards for free, and that was before I even had my Gadai rank.
“You do not care for homosexuals?”
“Hmm? It’s not that I don’t care for them, it’s just that I don’t care. As long as they’re not trying to stick anything where it doesn’t belong, just like normal folk, it really doesn’t matter.” I replied bemusedly. “What makes you think I don’t like Sugarlads?”
“I will assume that the word is slang for homosexuals. To answer your question, it is just that your statement was ambiguous as to your feelings about them.” Maud replied, confusing me further.
“What would it matter if I didn't like them? It’s not like it would affect you since you apparently like me.”
She blushed and cleared her throat in a slow staccato. “Is my infatuation so transparent?”
“We’re the talk of Bonetown, Lover. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to make something of it, you know. I like my women dangerous and smart.”
Maud cast a glance toward me that was unreadable. “I have fought my way out of multiple keeps with my sword and no support, and you are aware of my rocktorate. I have shown it to you.”
“You’ve also got some lovely lips.” I flirted, though it sounded awkward to me.
Look, I steal baubles, not hearts. Not exactly 'dashing rogue' here. Shit, I barely get ranked as a six most days.
Maud did the nod and her blush stained her cheeks for a few more minutes we walked in silence. “... So… Would you mind if I courted you? I asked when the tension was nice and thick.
“... I would like that.” Maud said quietly.
I tried not to let my grin make me look like an idiot, but my face was red hot. I’d only been with two women in my life and they’d both dumped me after a few weeks, though there was a certain Corsair I liked to see from time to time when I could. I don’t really count Isla as being one of the women in my life since she’d tried to kill me. “Victus. I never thought I’d have a sweetheart who could kick my arse.”
Maud laughed, and it sounded weird. She basically said ‘Heh’ three times with a little extra wind behind her words. “I never thought I would find another stallion. It seems that we were both mistaken.”
I sped up a little to walk beside her and bumped her with my shoulder. “Sometimes it’s nice to be wrong, isn’t it?”
“I do not like being wrong in most cases, but I find this occasion to be suitable for a misjudgement.”
“Right. So are Ponies monogamous, or-”
“No. The vast majority of my kin are polygamous or polyamorous.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Polygamy would entail one Stallion taking multiple wives. Polyamory would involve multiple Ponies all marrying each other.”
“... The second one is weird.”
“It is commonplace in Equestria, but not all of the Pony territories.” Maud informed.
“So the Ponies have multiple countries?”
“Yes. Equestria’s might is unrivaled across the globe. Bite-Back does not dare strike against her without justification prepared in triplicate.”
“... Oh shit. You’re telling me that the international face-breakers assassinate royalty across the globe, but won’t fuck with an Equestrian Noble?”
“No. Equestrian Nobles are fair game, but Equestrian Royalty and government officials are untouchable by all. Not even the combined forces of the Underbosses, Quarter Chiefs, and the Top Dog himself could hope to defend themselves against even one of the Alicorns, though that is not to say that Bite-Back has no presence in Equestria. We are everywhere. Except Canterlot.”
“So if I fuck up too bad, go to Canterlot?” I jested.
Maud stopped and whirled to grip my face before I could even twitch. “My heart does not tell me to love you with its full might just yet, but I warn you now that plying your trade in Canterlot will get you sent to either Tartarus or the Changeling Caves. You will either be raped and tortured to death or be bled dry of all emotion for the rest of your life.” She stared me in the eye like I needed the message to be any clearer. “If you have a mind at all, you will avoid Canterlot until you surrender to retirement.”
“Gotcha.” I said past her hand.
She let me go and gave me the Maud Nod. “I want you alive. Do not get yourself effectively killed.”
“Right… So let’s not talk about the scariest country on the planet and let’s do tell me where we’re going.”
“We are going to the Armoury to see Brutal Bash and Festus. They will return your equipment and give you what you have earned from your endeavors.”
“Heard that my cut was getting slashed.” I commented casually.
“Severely so. You will still have enough to subsist for a month or two without a home given that you have stolen a few enchanted items, but you could have had enough to live like a quote unquote ‘high roller’ as they are called in Las Pegasus for an equal amount of time.”
“That doesn’t tell me much, but it’s nice to know I’ll have some scratch. Is it going to come in drachs or bits?”
Before I knew it, I was on the ground and Maud was kneeling on my chest, which kind of sucked because she was a lot heavier than she looked. “Where did you learn of bits from?”
I chose my words carefully because I wasn’t trying to slip up and get myself hurt. “Few passed through my fingers.” I answered honestly.
“Courtship or not, you will cease your chicanery.” She said, making my stomach feel like my lunch had frozen into a ball of ice the size of Steely’s fist.
“... Would you believe me if I told you I know Twilight Sparkle?”
“... She would have the Magic to summon a being from another world. As unlikely as I find your words, I do not doubt them. What is your relationship with Equestria?”
I gave her a weak smile. “I don't have a relationship- Urgh!” She let more of her weight settle on my chest and it was not pleasant. “I barely know her!”
Maud eased up after a moment. “Where did you meet her?”
“Here in Grey Grotto. Her spell apparently got her away from Equestria and put us in the same place. She said it was her fault that I’m here.” I rasped.
“What did she offer you?” Maud demanded.
“A place to stay if it didn’t work out here. Said I could call on her if I ever decided to follow her over there.”
“What else?”
“... Friendship?” I tried. It was true and that was pretty much all she’d tried to give me.
My ‘lover’ let off of my chest and got back to her hooves, dragging me to my feet as she rose. “It was nothing personal, Dear.”
“Not really feeling the love, Maud.” I rubbed the spot where her knee had threatened to break my sternum.
She lowered her head and her shoulders hunched. “I apologize for being suspicious of you, but Bite-Back cannot afford an Equestrian spy in its ranks.”
“You could’ve just fuckin’ asked. I know better than to lie to you.” I replied irritably.
Maud brought her hands together and wouldn’t meet my eye. “... I apologize.”
“Apology not accepted. Give me a kiss.” I demanded sternly.
She complied quickly, though I kept it brief and gave her a hug. “Was the kiss all you desired?”
“I’d prefer it if you avoided manhandling me at every corner.” I said neutrally. “Just because I like dangerous women doesn’t mean I like it when I feel as though I’m constantly in danger.”
“... I will heed your words for the duration of our relationship. I hope that you will be as receptive when I ask something of you.”
“Don't try to stick anything in my butt either.” I said, copying her monotone.
Maud started trembling gently before saying, “Ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. That is great. I will not put anything in your butt. Most men do not like that.”
“Do you like that?”
“That is information to be given at a later date.” She replied, her cheeks pinkening. “For future reference, do not tell anyone that you personally know a Princess. It will most likely cost you your life due to a worldwide dislike of Alicorns.”
“... Just knowing one can get me killed?” I asked quietly.
She nodded. “Only Ponies are allowed to freely interact with the Princesses and walk 'freely'. I also know Twilight, and I am very fond of her, but there is little you could say to convince me that knowing her is good for you.”
“Damn. Damn. Fucking damn. Why are there arrows pointed at me wherever I go? Why is death always looming over my head? I fuckin’ hate this country. Made it fuckin’ eight years traisping across my world escaping death and thanking Fate for her blessings, but my luck lust had to run out when I got sent to a fuckin’ world with two hundred percent more Killaguyquik than Terra and one hundred percent more fuckin Magic. Fuck this shit. I need a drink.” I spat bitterly.
Maud wrapped her arms around me and rested her chin on my shoulder. “Being angry will solve nothing.”
“Don’t step in front of the cannon. That’s relationship suicide.”
She squeezed a little tighter. “You can hug me as hard as you would like. It would be nice and it would help you feel better.”
I followed her suggestion because it’s not like I wanted to be pissed off. It worked after a minute or two of letting Maud’s natural scent fill my nose, though the perfume she’d put on was decent too. “It’s still bullshit.”
She let me go, so I let her go simultaneously. “It will be alright. Do not be stupid and you will most likely not get killed.”
I took a deep breath and sighed. “Sometimes it doesn't matter if you’re smart. Fate takes who she wants, when she wants.”
“Does that not also mean that worrying about your Fate is pointless?”
I smirked at her and gave her a peck. “Took the words right out of my mouth.”
“How can I take vibrations in the air from your mouth?”
“... What?”
“That was a joke.”
“Oh. Your humor is as dry as the inside of a metamorphic rock.” I said, pretty confident that heat and pressure probably forbade water from staying in crystals and gems.
“Hydrates contain microscopic amounts of water.” Maud informed informatively.
“Fun facts.”
“That was only one fact.”
“Shut up, smartass.”
She stuck her tongue out at me, so I did it back before Maud lead the way to the Armoury. I feel like I should mention that there really weren’t any people in the halls by the time I’d originally found Maud, so our public displays of affection and me getting fucking dealt with wasn’t witnessed by more than one or two people. Our conversation with me on the floor had been pretty damn quiet, so info.
❖☬❖
Having Garrison go for Maud after getting put in his place by her was weird. I mean, I originally fell in love with a woman infinitely more powerful than me when I'd originally met her, but when I figured out that she was controlling me up to a certain point, I cut her off. Garrison was well aware of the fact that Maud had more power than he did in their relationship, but his intuition told him that Maud was going to be more faithful than either of his little tarts or Isla, and I had to respect him for going with what he felt was right. I mean, I knew that he and Frieda were going to be friends, but I was kind of hoping that by having Schrade’s Expedition Unit collect Garrison, Frieda would be the first woman on his mind. It made me wonder if he was still stuck on Captain Flint and the aura of danger she exuded since she was his first, but it wasn't important.
I really do see where the guy is coming from though. I knew a woman who was a lot like Maud, but a little bit tougher in the heart than the grey woman, though her color scheme was about as inventive. I thought both of them were cute in their own ways, and I’d found Beige attractive in a similar way as to how Garrison liked Maud, but I just couldn’t see myself with someone who had trouble showing outward emotion. Body language was going to be Garrison’s best friend when it came to Maud, so I tweaked his understanding of it a bit and helped the fellow along with figuring out what was genuine and what was being faked.
Once I was done with that, I headed back to my home in Heaven and met up with my ancient wife, though she hit me for thinking that she was ancient when I walked through the door. “Max, I am not ancient. I am eldritch.”
I chuckled at her and she folded her arms, giving me a harmless look. “Sorry for thinking of you as being youthful, Cherry. I keep forgetting that your proud of every million under your belt.”
My Twilight, the original one in the Triple Sixes, gave me a little smile. “That’s because you’re the oldest thing that’s technically alive. How’s Crimson doing as Fate, by the way?”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s still having fun turning homophobes gay, but you know he’s afraid to fill the orders for negative paths. I keep telling him that it’s a part of the job and that him letting someone get raped isn’t going to get him sent to Smileton, but…” I shrugged.
“Well, you have to see it from his side, Max. Fate doesn’t want to lose favour with you, and he really doesn’t want to mess up your plans.” She soothed. It was a bit of a sore subject at this point in the ebb of time.
“I know, I know, but he knew that I was giving him free reign to do as he pleased when I gave him the job! It just doesn't make any sense for me to make the guy untouchable and him be afraid to mess with me. I mean, he can’t directly influence my life, but I told him that he could throw me some curveballs. Did I not give him accolades for challenging me with that parasitic disease he let Mary Mallon’s Sthezik counterpart make and spread? Didn’t I bitch at him for an hour for collapsing my first few pocket dimensions for the right reasons and give him a hug after? He should know that he’s up there with you when it comes to love and trust.”
Cherry just gave me a patient smile. “You know you’re scary, Amour. I might not be afraid of you, and Roxy might be a little more than just not afraid, but I, even with all the pranks I’ve come up with over the years, don’t want to mess with you. You’ve been through a lot, and we just want you to have to deal with as few stressors as possible.”
“I’ve been dealing with the Triple Sixes, all the Triple Sixers, all the Twelve-Twelve, and the googols upon googols of souls in the universes for longer than anything’s existed, Twilight. At this point in my stupidly long life, I don’t really get offended until someone tries to tell me how to run things. Everyone knows this, and yet there are people dumb enough to do the one thing I say not to do, and not the things I say are okay! I mean, I’ve got so many meat grinders perpetually full of Gods that need to be humbled again that it’s ridiculous!”
My wife departicalized and ‘hugged’ me (There isn’t a word for meshing our souls and atoms together like we do) and separated after she was sure I was listening. “Kaid, you’re old. Things aren’t going to make sense like they used to before.”
“I’m in charge of Universe One, Twilight. You run Six-Two-Six now. You know my omniscience stretches beyond fathomability.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know that.” She chastised softly. “And don’t say that you’re not reading my mind because we both know that you aren’t. You should know what I mean just from the time we’ve spent together.”
“... You’re a butt sometimes, you know that?” I sighed.
“Garrison will pull through. Anon A. Anonymoneymous will pull through. Jameson might have turned out poorly, but Iry-Hor told you that people with the condition I used to have don’t thrive on different planets. Keep your chin up, my Hubby-Wubby, and I’ll give you a favour for it.”
“Bribing me with sex worked a lot better when I was twenty.” I said drily.
“Surprise surprise, it still fucking works.” She giggled ruthlessly.
I gave her a cross look and she gave me that damned smile until I gave her a normal hug. “I love you, Cherry. Thank you.”
“I’ll be here for you as long as I exist.” She said for the zillionth time.
“... Look, I-”
“There’s no point in apologizing again. I might not want this life, but you make it worth living.” She gave me a warm smile, and just like the last time we’d had this conversation there was no regret in her eyes, and it wasn’t my fault. “You made a lot of sacrifices to make me a Triple Sixer, and that’s still the single greatest gift you’ve ever given me.”
“... I’d make them all over again if it meant that you didn’t have that little ache in your heart.”
“I’m not letting you brawl with the other six hundred and sixty-four again just to improve my life marginally.” Twilight snapped viciously.
I raised my hands and took a step back.
“... Apologies, Amour. Thou deserveth not such a spiteful inflection. Especially not for trying to extend to me another piece of kindness.” She said softly, slipping into Court Speake from her time as an Empress.
“Water under the bridge. I should have known that you would rather me be safe than be buried under a mountain of bodies again.”
“It’s been more years than we can count and we’re still having little stuff like that pop up.” She sighed.
“That’s because we got married, you goofy goober.” I said factually.
“Shush. Are you going to go visit Drake and Bluebell while you’re in Heaven Central?”
“... They still don’t want to see me, Twilight.” I said, my voice carrying my failure as a father within my words.
“You weren’t a bad Dad, Max. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on your mistakes.” Twilight said softly.
“Because Drake still hates me for killing his husband ‘before his time’ and Bluebell still thinks I tried to molest her or some shit when I made her stop touching herself twenty-four/seven. When I can help them see the truth, then I’ll talk to them, but for the time being, they’re both going to ignore me and that hurts more than not seeing them.”
“I’ll talk to them again-”
“They’ll just say that you’re blinded by love.” I sighed.
“Just like they’re blinded by Sorell’s words. We’ll lift the curse before the reset, Max.”
I gave her a little smile that I wasn’t feeling. “I’m going to go check up on Twilight Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M.”
“Don’t look up her skirt.” My wife deadpanned.
“I’ll look into her very bones if I feel like it.” I huffed in a manly manner.
“If you give her cancer by doing that, I’ll hold out on you for a century.”
“D’vora.”
“If you use her slime on me again, I’ll beat you.” She deadpanned with an even flatter voice.
“You had fun!”
“Shush and go! March!” She ordered playfully, her cheeks indicative of the nickname I’d given to her soul, not just her body. It’d been googolplexes since I’d originally married a Twilight and that one was long gone, but all of the Equus Twilights were the exact same, unlike a few of the other Parallels. It was like loving someone with a weird form of Alzheimer’s for a few octillion years until I killed Sh’ Ara and stole his throne.
With my heart feeling a little mixed up, I let my wife have her alone time so she could keep rewatching Clannad and Clannad: After Story until she cried some more. With my being collected into a couple Graham’s Numbers to keep an eye on things around the Universe Collective, I sent an eye over to the Twilight on Equis to see how she was fairing. When I got ahold of her, she was sitting in her basement, halfheartedly trying to conduct an experiment that she’d had a lot of interest in prior to going to Minosia, and the longer I watched and delved into the fragments of her life that I hadn’t witnessed yet (I only had to think about her to get her full story. It happens instantaneously at this point in my Godhood.), I got fed up with her being a sad sack and decided to craft another form to get her moving.
I gave my Pony body a thick beard and made him an Alicorn with a broken horn and a single clipped wing because fuck flying. Of course my coat had to be royal blue and my mane bitoned silver and black, though I left my eyes green and blue with gold and silver flecks respectively since it’s my trademark. No other being in the Collective has eyes like mine, and I made damn sure that every God had a trademark that set them apart from the rest. Once I had my temporary form down pat (Again, instantaneous in the grand scheme of things.), I made my way onto the planet itself and placed myself behind Twilight to watch her for a little bit in person. I let my presence wash over her in little trickles until her subconscious finally alerted her to the fact that she might not be alone, and Twilight cast a quick glance over her shoulder, thinking that she was just being paranoid.
She did a double take after laying eyes on me and stared, gaping. “... How did you get down here?” The poor Princess asked, perplexed.
“Few places can be barred from my entry. That goes for anywhere off of this planet as well. However, I feel like I should explain that I’d like to speak with you for a moment, and nothing else. I have no intention of touching you magically or physically, so quell that spell before I seal your Magic.” I said kindly, using my fatherly tones learned from dealing with frightened children, damaged adults, and fragile minds in general.
“... How did you get down here, please.” Twilight repeated, her voice weak, making the question barely sound like an inquiry at all.
“I was always down here, if that makes any sense to you. Like I said, few places bar my entry.” I gave her a warm smile. “You know, you’ve been down about Garrison for a few days now.”
“... How do you know that?” She asked, scared witless.
I cupped my hands together and crafted a few Kalitu berries for her in a pouch before levitating them over to her. “I know a lot of things, and I know that you weren’t supposed to leave my little friend behind. Luna wasn’t supposed to be the woman to come for you, but I had no control over that.”
“... What do you want?” Twilight asked, holding the pouch like it contained lit dynamite.
“Try one of the berries. They’re personal favorites of mine.” I kept my little smile.
Twilight cautiously ate one of my altered plums and gave me a little smile when the cloying sweetness coated her mouth. “It’s like Zapple jam and plums!”
“I know, right? I thought that combining Zap Applejack and plums would give me liquor, but then I got anti-anxiety berries. Sometimes mistakes work out for the best, but I don't feel like your mistake is going to work for my plan. It’s nothing personal, Twilight, but I need you to step up right now.”
She gave me a confused look, her unease returning up to a point. “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to go and look for your newest friend.” I said softly.
Twilight licked her lips and brought her thumb to her mouth so she could chew on the hard, rounded nail that I had to give Ponies on Equis. They didn’t have them on Equus and it was weird. “... Why?”
“Why do you want to go look for him?”
“... I’d ask how you know that I want to find him, but I have a feeling that you’re not just a Unicorn with a broken horn.”
I extended the one wing I’d given myself; clipped as it was. I have no desire to fly. “I’m not a Unicorn at all, and I never was one. I’m a little older than Discord, you know.”
“... You’re Yggdragil!?” Twilight’s eyes filled with tears and she panicked hard.
I tilted my head at her and had a little chuckle. “No, no, you silly filly. My name is long lost to the annals of history that was destroyed with changing tides beyond your comprehension, but do know that I killed Yggdragil. He’s not quite as dead as I’d like him to be, but I didn’t want him to ruin my plans.” I gave her a patient smile.
Twilight still shook with a vengeance and seemed rather frightened. “Celestia! Luna! Somepony help!”
I waved my hands and Celestia appeared next to me, still wearing her nightclothes. “Hullo, Sunny.”
Celestia looked at me, then at Twilight, then back to me. “... You summoned me, not her. How?”
“He summoned you!?” Twilight cried.
“Mares, please. There’s no need for this excitement or any fear here. I’m harmless to those who wish me no harm.” I assured them, mostly talking to Celestia.
She took in my broken horn and general height. “You’re an Alicorn. How?”
“I ascended. There were Alicorns before you, Celestia. History hasn’t always been honest.” I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze. “It’s been a joy to watch you grow, my child. Solaire was a dear friend of mine, and Artema loved me like a brother.”
Celestia nodded slowly. “Twilight, don’t move. Friend, why are you here?”
“I’ve come to ask Twilight to do a little task for me; to right one of her wrongs.”
“Her summoned student in Minosia, I assume.”
“You would assume correctly. I had plans for that man.”
“Why do you talk like Gauche?” Twilight asked, soothed by Celestia’s acceptance of me.
“Reasons.” I answered. “I need you to take Applejack and Pinkie Pie with you to Minosia to search for Gauche. You’ll find a familiar face with him, and he’ll have made some unsavory friends while you’re there, but that’s something I need to discuss with Celestia and Luna. You can bring him to the light, Twilight, so please start gathering some materials and funding for your trip. Know that you’ll be watched over as you go, and that your life is protected.
“Friend, what is your name? You must have one.” Celestia requested, the undercurrent of her sovereignty ringing through and irritating me a little.
“I suppose you could call me Faith. It’s traditionally a feminine name, but I find that I’ve had to have a lot of it over the years.” I replied loftily.
“Faith. Where do you come from?”
“A different world and a different time.” I gave Celestia a smile, my teeth carved with gently glowing runes.
“... Dear Heavens above.” She said under her breath, recognizing the level of danger she was dealing with at the moment. Louder, she said, “We would be happy to help you further your goals if we knew what they were.”
“Only my wife knows what I’ve waited for so long. Just know that I don’t want the world, or anyone’s life. I don’t want power, wealth, or glory. I’d like to be able to sit down and have a drink without someone bothering me.” I chuckled.
“You’re not a Royal.” Celestia stated quietly.
“Why would somepony bother you? You seem pretty powerful, but it’s obvious that your injuries prevent you from doing too much.” Twilight said, concern in her voice.
I pointed a judicious finger at her. “Respect your elders, whipper-snapper.” I groused playfully. “I’ll put itching powder in your diaper instead of the other stuff.”
She giggled and gave me a wide smile. “I’m sorry I was so suspicious of you before, but I didn’t know that you were a friend of a friend.”
“I have no conventional friends on this planet, Twilight. Even beings like Azyre and Discord feel like newborn foals to me.”
“Azrye. You mean the Dragon older than time itself?” Celestia asked numbly.
“That newt is old to be sure, but he’s only seen his first decannium. I was there when his grandfather won the war for Ignitia. Hell, I helped name the damn place!” I laughed heartily because I could. It was true as soon as I said it, so it’s not like I technically lied. Writing history as I speak can be disconcerting sometimes, but it’s useful.
“Ignitia?” Twilight asked.
Celestia gasped. “You were there before Draconia was Dracon-” She stopped cold. “Were you The Lone Pone?”
“Ah, finally! One of my titles! I forgot about that one!” I guffawed. “Ah, I remember when Desth named me as such after Equinis fell. Good times.”
Celestia seized my arm and gazed upon me with great respect. “Great Father, please, will you share some of your stories? Tales forgotten by all races, known only to you; I would trade my crown for but a few true epics.”
I smiled at her and kissed her brow. “Of course, my child. Rarely do I show my face on the mortal plane, but I suppose I could gather a few of my old Aghu, my kith, to tell you of what we can recall.” A few shades peeked in from the Ether and a few souls from the Aether stopped by to see what was going on since I was doctoring the timeline, but things weren’t going to change at all because of a few stories that were true before I made them up in the first place.
“Oh, I’m so excited! I get to go save Gauche and learn more about Equisian history-” Twilight started.
I stopped her rapidfire word-assault with a raised hand. “Speak slower, dear child. These old ears have to use spells to understand this new language.”
In all honestly, I just don’t like it when people talk too fast. I’m old, dammit.
“Right. So what was the first Princess of Equestria like?” Twilight asked.
I barked out a laugh. “King Blood Rain would roll in his grave if he still had bones to roll.”
Twilight paled and I caught a wary look from Celestia. “The Sola-Luno Families weren’t the founders of Equos?”
“Please. Lunos raised his family into the Aristocracy early in Equestrian history, but Equos used to be Equinis, as I said earlier. Solatone, your ancestor, was a great woman, but she slayed to grab the Golden Crown just as Lunos gabbed his way to her side. Before them, the Blood Heart Dynasty reigned, and before them, The Windos ruled the lands. Your little history about the three tribes living in the northern reaches? Complete lies.” I scoffed. “I personally met a few Windigoes as they were the natives of the land, but they died out because of city-state warfare. The ruins of Stirrupps are Windigosian, by the way. The only place left standing.”
“Wow… Just… Wow…” Twilight breathed. “So all of those ancient artifacts that are lighter than air were made by…?”
“Black sacraments. Those ruins are cursed down to the basalt below.”
Celestia nodded. “Which is why nopony goes there, Twilight.”
“Oh. So how do we know what was there?” The young Princess asked.
“A few expeditions were sent before we learned that the land itself was cursed, and the last expedition was lead by myself and Starswirl. We didn’t take anything with us when we left because everything is cursed.” Celestia shook. “Just being there for seven hours made me sick for forty-nine more.”
“‘We will be avenged sevenfold til the bowels liquify and the teeth rot away.’.” I quoted. “I never did like Desth or his people. Proper pricks, if you ask me.”
Celestia chuckled weakly. “Creatures that fed off of hatred and strife wouldn’t seem like good friends.”
“There’s a reason that the Changelings have survived and the Windigoes didn’t.” I shook my head. “Still, having a battalion of them won the war for Ignitia, put Ignis in power, and beat back the Naga Horde for nearly five hundred years. Damn snakes.” I spat.
“It’s not surprising to hear that Dragon-Naga relations have never been good.” Twilight commented sadly.
I sighed. “It’s a shame, too. Back when I was an usim, or a colt, Naga and Dragons lived in the same country, taking up much of their combined modern territories. The Naga were given the waters to do with as they pleased and the Dragon were given the mountains, and the two of them met in the valleys and plains to share goods and services. The orgies between them-”
“I don’t think we need to hear about that.” Celestia said quickly.
“Still, I feel that I should say that Changeling relations with the rest of the world were better when the Dragons and Naga joined weekly to create vast wells of love that they could drink from. That, and Wyrms were the most amazing creatures.” I sighed again and shook my head. “Bipedal reptilians with wings that glittered like gems with eyes that were as clear as the purest waters, tails that were so dextrous, they could pluck individual cherries from trees, and hands so delicate and deft that Wyrm textiles and jewelry are still held as dynastic heirlooms. I miss Wyrms. They were truly special creatures.”
“They still exist.” Celestia assured me. “The only haven for them is here in Equestria, but they do exist.”
“They do? I thought Dragons and Naga couldn’t stand each other at all.” Twilight said, bewildered.
Celestia and I traded a look. “How many of them are claimed?”
“Few, if any. Most don't make it.”
I nodded, though I’d already known that. “Thank you for trying to balance the scales, even if they’re still tilted.”
“All hybrid races are welcome in Equestria. Most of the immigrants we get are so touched by the love of our kin, they can’t help but let their hearts be filled in turn.” Celestia gave me a smile.
I gave her a savage look that disappeared before Twilight could see it. Celly knew that I was well aware of her army-building brainwashing within two seconds. “That’s kind of you.” I said normally.
The conversation carried on from there and I exposed more of the world’s bloody history to Celestia and Twilight as I looked back and saw it for my own eyes, dropping myself in to handle a few fights and pick up a few scars along the way so I could honestly say that I was a part of getting the world on the right track before Discord and his Queen, Eris, took over completely. It took most of the night to give them a brief synopsis of what went down up until that point, and I ended up filling thirty-three books with more historical facts and dates with Magic that Celestia was pretty skeptical of, but grateful for nonetheless. Twilight promised to get herself moving to Minosia within three days, and Celestia offered me a place to stay, but I declined and cited my desire to grab a draught of my own bourbon as my reason for not sticking around.
Before I left, however, Twilight and Celestia asked me why I didn’t just go and get Garrison myself, but I only smiled and let my teeth glow a little bit brighter for that query.
❖☬❖
Night had fallen by the time Maud and I got topside, which was a good thing. Her typical style of dress was out of place among the Minosians since it was obviously foreign. It reminded me a bit of the Frechette styles that were getting popular with the abstinent Sisters of Amelemme, though I wondered why so many women on Equis were fond of showing their ankles, or in the Ponies’ and Minotaurs’ cases, hooves, and the goods thereabove. While we were taking some of the alleys to our mark, I just had to ask what was up with the frankly stiffening style of dress that the Ponies wore since it was so damned distracting. I mean, I’d been able to see Twilight’s thighs!
“Maud, Lover, I have to ask; what’s up with Ponies? Why do you guys show so much skin, or rather, fur? It’s a little odd that the women of this world seem to wear breeches as commonly as dresses and gowns, but when I met our mutual friend, her skirt was shorter than a lot of the Fancy Gals I’ve come across, and their profession is attracting looks.”
Maud gave me some side eye. “I have been told that I dress too conservatively.”
“I can see your ankles at any given moment.” I chuckled awkwardly.
“... That is ‘showing off’ to you?” She asked flatly. The monotone was a little deeper this time, which I perceived as her not getting my viewpoint on the matter.
“It’s considered ‘showing off’ in Avalesce. Frechere, a country I’ve been to, had a lot of women dressing like you, but the place is called ‘Heathen Hael’ for a reason.”
“... Would you prefer that I wear a slightly longer dress?”
“Whatever you like, I like. As long as your comfortable with me looking.” I said, hoping that she wasn’t going to think of me as a pervert or a lecher.
Maud blushed a little. “If I were to catch you looking, what would you do?”
I blushed too because I was a little embarrassed. “Hopefully you don’t catch me looking. It’s rude to stare.”
“That does not answer my question.”
“To be honest with you, I’d probably blush and apologize for staring.
Maud stopped and raised her dress a high enough to show some calf, making me glance down, my face growing hotter. “How is this?”
“Uh…”
She let her dress drop and her lips curved into the deepest smile I’d gotten from her yet, which was to say that it was a decent enough grin for a Nun. “It makes me feel pretty when I garner your interest.”
“Eh-heh-heh-heh.” I chuckled nervously, trying not to let my ‘interest’ show too much. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re going to tease me until I get another nosebleed?”
“Because you are cute when you blush.” Maud jested, her monotone a little higher than her normal speaking voice.
“You’re cute when you’re not talking.” I grumbled.
“That is not nice.” She wagged a finger at me, her voice going back to normal.
“You’re making my blood flow to different places at your whim. That’s not nice either.”
She reddened a little and let go of my hand. “Walk beside me, Dear.”
“Sure thing, Mauble.” I closed ranks and we got a move on again, a minute smile playing on Maud’s lips.
“I like your petname for me. I should find one for you.”
“Take your time. I’m partial to ‘Suede’, if it helps.”
“I have met smooth-talkers. Your words lack the tainted-honey quality that theirs possess.”
“Well, my street name is ‘Gauche Suede’, but my real name is Garrison. I got the moniker from being bad with women and dressing like a fool when I buy 'fashionable' clothes.”
“You are not bad with women. You are awkward, and that is different.”
“Shut up, smartass.”
Maud gave me ‘Ha’ in droll triplicate. “Our mission draws near. We need to find an entry point.”
I tapped her shoulder and stopped since the alley we were in was plenty narrow. “Can you climb walls?”
She stopped two steps away from me. “... Can you?”
I showed her the Spider Technique and dropped before I got too far off of the ground. “If two are close enough, yes.”
Maud shook her head. “I can reach the rooftops in my own way.”
I nodded and tapped the wall to my right. “We’ll meet up on this one, no?”
“That is acceptable.” Maud squatted down, confusing the fuck out of me before she fucking leapt up the fucking walls. I don’t know what to liken it too. She easily made three meters on her first jump and started bouncing off of them so casually that I was just thunderstruck for a moment.
I was dating a disciple of the Goddess of Female Strength, Fortaleza, or something.
I shook my shock off soon enough and scaled the walls a little more slowly than Maud had, but I still made decent time. She was waiting for me, but I had to ask, “Where in Hael did you learn that?”
Maud bobbed her head from side to side. “Would you not like to know.”
“That wasn’t a question, was it?” I deadpanned.
“You are learning my mannerisms quickly. You are far superior to my last boyfriend already.”
“You’re more fun than any woman I’ve been with so far, but you also suck eggs.”
She winked at me. “Which of yours would you like me to start with?”
I rubbed my hopelessly barren chin and tried not to let my face lit up the night. “The left one. It gets dry.”
Maud laughed and lightly jogged to the edge of the roof before leaping across casually, so I got a decent start and followed her. We crossed a few more rooftops at a good clip before Maud stopped on one and waited for me to catch up. “This is our ‘mark’ as you would call it. How do you plan on gaining entry from here?”
I strolled to one of the edges and looked over before checking the rest of the flats. I picked the side that had the most windows and didn’t wait for Maud before dropping off of the side of the roof and making my way down to one of said windows. No one ever locks anything higher than the second story if there aren’t any balconies, and most places kept their shutters open during the warm months anyway. With Minosia having a climate like Thesuvia and a populace that acted a lot like those proud fucks, no one was evidently worried about people like me. Gaining access was as easy as brushing an errant shutter to the side and slipping into the window with a practiced, soundless ease that one picks up from doing the same thing a thousand times before. My stomach was feeling cool and level, so the mission was a foregone conclusion. I had to wait for Maud, but by the time she dropped down to the window sill, I’d stopped thinking about whether or not she was an infiltration kind of gal and started thinking about what kind of undergarments I might get to see if she had trouble getting into the building. My thoughts evaporated when she almost slipped off of the sill, which made me rush over and pull her inside with all of the strength I could summon without making a racket. As it was, Maud was not very quiet, and I had a feeling that it was going to land us in hot water, so I shushed her as soon as I got her in and made her some footpads- Er, hoofpads out of some cloth in the room since her boots were fucking loud.
“Have you been on a Twilight Stroll before?” I asked softly, keeping us near the window so the sound wouldn’t bounce around the room and alert anyone to our position.
“I have performed stealth missions before.” Maud replied at the same volume.
“It doesn’t show.” I said blandly.
“I never said they went as planned.”
“Don't get us arrested.”
“I could break us out of jail with little trouble.”
“Save us the trouble, no?” I patted her shoulder a couple of times and let it lie there, stalking toward the most obvious entrance into the rest of the house.
Maud followed with her foot- hoofsteps muffled by my forward thinking, though she wasn’t as quiet as I would have liked. My own boots were thick, soft soled, made specifically to not make a sound, even if you were stomping on shattered glass. Maud's hooves were made for breaking bones, stones, and toblerones, though the last word is just nonsense from Laspone, a mashup of 'Tobler' (A name) and 'Torrone' (A sweet). What was just as nonsensical was how Maud kept stopping to look at things because ‘It was interesting’, and I swore that I wasn’t going on another mission with her if it didn’t involve walking through the front door and knocking someone’s head off of their shoulders.
We had to search for a certain key to The Ironclad Keep so we could get another assassin in for another attempt on Herodotus, but Maud didn’t have any intel as to where it was, so I sent her back to the room we’d entered in and told her to stay out of my way after we searched the easy-access parts of the estate. Her face didn’t betray her emotion, but the sluggish way she agreed to let me do my thing tipped me off to her being hurt, so I gave her a kiss and promised to make it up to her with a really good date when we weren’t on business.
After ditching Maud like the noisy sack of hooves and scatter-brain she happened to be, I got to work for real and started my stroll the right way by making my way into the study where I collected another pipe, more rings, and a ledger that my gut told me was cooked as it was booked. Leverage seemed like a good thing, so I made a shoulder-sack out of the mark’s curtain and carried on with my looting, picking up a fantastic necklace with a ruby that seemed to glow from the inside, a broach with a well-cut emerald, and a few shabby diamond bracelets that were subpar. I doubted that the diamonds were real due to instinct, but pocketed them anyway because I wanted to make it look like a regular burglar was making rounds. Once I’d filled four pouches with loot, I stole a painting off of the wall because it was well crafted and artsy as all get out, standing above the rest of the decorations in the house due to the gold leaf on the frame. It was a smaller canvas than most, so all was well when I got it into my shoulder-sack, but I couldn’t help but grab a few extra baubles in the form of candlesticks and precious metal saucers that no one was going to miss to terribly.
Look, I’m a fucking thief. You’ve gotta be at least a little greedy in my line of work, and I needed to pad my pockets anyway. It’s not like my shillings or pence were worth a damn thing in Minosia, but drachs? I could definitely do with some more of those.
I made my way back up through the house after slipping down the stairs to case the first two stories, finding nothing in the way of keys or the like in my search. Most of the rooms in the house held a Minotaur or two, so I figured that the last room I had to check was going to be my winner since it also had the most detail carved into it. Minotaurs were evidently fond of their engravings, so I filed away the information for later and crept my way through the door, not making so much as a creak as I went through my checklist for entering an inhabited room. I did the lift-and-look trick with the door to enter quietly, breathed through my nose and my mouth to avoid making either airway do too much work, and walked heel-to-toe as I snuck to make sure that there was no impact to be heard as I worked.
The heavy snoring of many Minotaurs rumbled through the room, making my silence matter less and less while I allowed my eyes to adjust to the lack of light within, just as I had whenever I entered any other room. Once I could see well enough, I… Well… You see… Okay, you have to understand that there were a lot of dressers, vanities, and the like to check for the key I was supposed to be looking for, and I have some sticky, sticky fingers. I filled all of my pouches with beautifully crafted rings, bangles that could have paid for weeks of food and refuge in Davenshire (A town that was further away from the coast than Capersport, infamous for a high cost of living.), earrings (Or nose rings) that were heavy enough to beat a bilge rat to death in a few good swings, pendants that would have been heirlooms back home, chains of gold that took some doing to collect quietly, and a Signet Ring that had an insignia engraved inside the fucking gem itself.
My Thief-Wood was tall and impenetrable by the time I was done. I ended up losing a lot of the comparatively worthless things I’d picked up along the way to make sure I had space for my new swag, but the important part is that I found three keys with three different markings on them. One had a gaol door, which meant that I was keeping it. Another had a turn-lock on it, which meant that I was keeping it. The last had a clenched fist on it, and that was the one Maud and I were actually looking for, so I made my way back to her, passed off my shoulder-sack, and almost ditched her to go get moar before Maud stopped me.
“Dear, why has your search taken so long? We have what we came for.” She said, her voice level and softer than snow.
“Mauble, Lover, are you rich yet?” I asked.
“I do not find much value in currency, but I do have money saved up. Why?”
“I’ve got the drachs in my pocket and little else. I want to thrive, not survive. With all these Minotaurs making babies left and right, I’m willing to bet that there are some bastards that need a few drachs to keep their stomachs full, and these fucks have so much. I have a safe key, we’ve got a cooked ledger, and I have no problems robbing our marks destitute. I can get back to HQ if you don’t want to stick around.”
“... How much of your profit do you want to keep?”
“It’s a job I wouldn’t have taken without Bite-Back, so I only expect about half. Still, even if I give six-tenths of my profits away, what I’ve collected so far is already good enough-”
Maud placed a finger on my lips. “You are right. It is good enough.”
I moved her digit. “You didn’t let me finish. It’s good enough to help a little, but that’s not enough. Not for me. Not when I could take more to give more. Not when my gut’s telling me that this tree is bearing fruit and all I have to do to fill stomachs is put the work in to grab it.”
“... I fear that you are greedy.”
“I am. It’s the sin I suffer from the most, but generosity is the virtue I try to live by in turn.”
“... Carry on. I will be watching you. From here, that is.” She corrected herself, sounding a little unhappy to me.
“Thanks, Lover. I won’t make you regret this.”
“I already do.” She sighed after that.
“... Would it make you feel better if I came back without you, or if I just left it alone now?” I asked irritably.
“... I would ask that you return on your own time, but I see the sensibility in letting you work as you please now. You sensed my displeasure?”
“I don’t want to make you unhappy on our first day as an item.” I said, trying not to sound like a hopeless fool.
Apparently Maud appreciated it since my words got me a kiss. “Clear the safe and return. Day comes quickly.”
I checked the mental map I’d built of the grounds and nodded. “I’ll be back in six. Count the seconds, don’t hesitate to ditch me for your hide.”
“I could kill everything in this house with minimal effort.”
“... Fuck, you are some kinda sexy.” I growled.
“You are mostly just cute.”
“I’ll take it.” I left her shortly after and made my way to the second story where I’d seen a painting that was just slightly too far off of the wall for me to not notice the safe behind it. I didn’t bother with it then because safecracking has always been my weakness. Full stop. They always fuck my picks up when I try to get in, so if I don’t have a key, I generally won’t try unless it’s an older build.
I got to the safe without any problems, and moving the painting was a cinch, but the cool feeling from my gut was turning into a warm one slowly, so I hurried with opening the safe and had a peek inside. Thief-Wood was back with a vengeance as I laid my eyes on gold ingots, silver doubloons, and important looking papers that got added to my second shoulder-sack. I cleared the safe in forty-five seconds flat, but the last fifteen seconds had me feeling like I was about to have trouble on my hands, so I closed the safe without getting everything, replaced the painting, and left the scene of that particular crime in time to hear a door slam and some angry muttering coming from behind me.
“Damn Hestia, trouncing around upstairs, loud ass hooves, stupid little haircut.” The young Cow grumbled bitterly, quickly making her way my direction.
Not good considering that Minotaurs had great olfactory senses.
I scurried to the third story without wasting another second, but more doors were opening as I slipped into the room I’d left Maud in, and I doubted that we were going to be company free for much longer. When I laid eyes on her, I sped over and rushed her out of the window, but instead of going up like a normal thief, she just had to drop from thirty feet in the fucking air and make the loudest fucking mother damned noise I’ve heard in twenty years.
Seriously.
Maud is bad at stealth.
Instead of letting her actual mental disorder stop me from not getting killed, I made myself climb out of the window and up the side of the building because the Minosian architecture didn’t exactly make it hard for me to do. I kept an eye on my path and an eye on Maud as I climbed, and when she dashed away with shouts and hollers following her, I decided to head in the same direction over the rooftops because I didn’t know how else to get into the catacombs other than by the old factory I’d crashed in after my first stroll in Minosia. It was a bitch to keep up with Maud until she took a turn and cut down an alley, pulling her superwoman routine away from prying eyes once more. Before she could get to moving again, I gave a sharp whistle and she saw me trying to catch up, so she slowed down without actually stopping and I picked up the pace to something a little outside of my usual ‘Gonna-die-gonna-die-gonna-die’ so I wouldn’t be stuck without a contact on the outside.
I caught up over the course of a few roofs and Maud stopped after a few more, rushing me down the hatch of the building we’d stopped on and dragging me down to the sewer level in the course of a couple minutes. My blood was pumping as I was wearing a pretty decent sheen of sweat from the muggy morning, but there was no better feeling than a clean escape after a good haul, and what a fucking haul it was. I was a little giddy at the baubles and gems we’d managed to nab, and I talked Maud’s ear off the entire way to the Grey Market, as it was called, so we could get our stuff priced and fenced. We met up with a seedy looking Griffin who went by Gopher, and he was shocked to see how much we’d managed to get our hands on.
The loot I parted with was worth over three thousand drachs, and by that I mean that’s what my cut was. I’d actually netted a little over six thousand worth of gems alone, and the painting was worth five hundred, but Bite-Back took two thousand and six hundred from the get go and another three and a half thousand was promised to three different orphanages that could use a little boost in funding. My gold and silver was stocked up with Maud since she’d been a partner and that had gotten her about fifteen hundred drachs, but she was quick to tell me that she was going to spend it on expanding her rock collection. I didn’t really have a problem with that and said as much when she asked me whether or not I thought she was wasting the money I gave to her, but I did kinda wish that she would plan ahead and save a little for old age or something.
I ended up having to get most of my drachs in gold, which was fucking heavy, but I didn’t keep all of it for long. The first thing I did with my money was go to Festus, the main Armourer guy, and put in an order for some better gear. My usual gear was alright, but I needed a leather cowl to replaced the one I’d had since I was sixteen, a rainproof cloak, and some actual armour instead of the leather cuirass I wore under my ragged jerkin. It’d saved me from deep cuts a few times, but it needed to be replaced, and Festus assured me that he could have me kitted out like never before for the right price. I never skimp when it comes to tools, and armour is a fucking tool, so I put seven hundred drachs into getting new work gear before meeting up with Maud again to get some rest. We still had to report to Odysseus later on in the day, but for the time being, we took our turns in Maud’s wash room and I have to say that it was weird.
To explain, instead of a wash basin like normal people, Maud showed me an odd spigot that rested above a tub. When she turned some handles connected to the pipe that the spigot was attached to, water sprayed out of the thing in multiple streams and instead of staying cold, it somehow got hot enough to be enjoyable, and the soap Maud gave me to use was neither gritty like wood ash soap, nor was it as slick as lard soap. It actually smelled rather nice, kind of like some perfume or a floral cologne, but I was a little sketched out by the strange machination until Maud started stripping me of my clothes when I hesitated to get in.
Let me just say that having my sweetheart effectively call me a Beau Nasty without the fancy threads was a kick to the pride. It had only been a week or so since I’d last bathed, and that was pretty good by most standards, but apparently bathing was supposed to happen more frequently on Equis. Maud said my ‘body odor’ was tolerable before the mission, but with the advent of the heat of being topside along with the amount of sweating I’d done, apparently she just couldn’t take it anymore. I was a little offended, but I didn’t mind bathing since the water was warmer in Maud’s odd contraption than it was in the public bath houses, and there weren’t any skivvy Wet-Workers (Streetwalkers that whored in the bath houses.) trying to rob me of my shillings, so that was nice.
All in all, I suppose showers aren’t too bad. Nothing beats a nice dip in a cool lake on a warm day, though. Once I was finished with that, Maud got in after me and she forced me to go shopping for ‘modern clothes’ since apparently there’s something wrong with a tunic, jerkin, and breeches. She made me buy an Equisian week’s worth of clothes, which was nine days, and three ‘nice’ outfits that I thought made me look like a raving loon. She let me pick my colors though, so I stuck with dark grey, dark blue, and shades of red that were either maroon or burgundy. She still made me get a white ‘shirt’ for some odd reason.
What else was there before we went to sleep…? Oh! Pants! The pants on Equis were fantastic! There were these things called ‘boxers’ that protected the privates, but still gave one plenty of room to grow, and there was a better version of the magical things called ‘boxer-briefs’ that gave a little support, but not too much. Briefs were awful though. Too much support. Far too much support. It was like constantly having someone cup my sausage, and that was just horrible, but I only got one pair of those, so it was alright.