Magic has made Equestria both prison and paradise. It liberates and enslaves, it builds ponies up and breaks them back down, it pushes us all forward and drives us back, it makes our wildest dreams a reality and gives life to our darkest nightmares, it binds the whole world together and at the same time threatens to tear it apart. It is a living contradiction, a moving entity that connects us all. We can use it, we can ignore it, but it is always there, watching. Always watching.
Magic has a will of its own. It has goals, it has motivations, it has desires. Yet without us, it can do nothing. I understand now... magic is a child. It needs a friend. A teacher.
But it has neither. Only a Director.
Dan finished hastily connecting the cables. He examined each one from the tank's engine connected to the tank's turret connected to the Bass Cannon to the Lightning Claw connected to the tank's engine connected to the tank's turret connected to the-
"Dan? Are you done yet?"
"Almost." -to the Bass Cannon. "Okay, we're good."
On the bow of the All of My Rage, the tank was aimed at the sea just in front of the ship. The parking brake was locked and a landing net had been deployed to catch the tank in the event the recoil likely blasted it backwards. Most of the ship's crew and passengers had gathered around to watch Dan work; he really was a spectacle to many once he got going. Flim and Flam sold tickets to "the show" until Dan threatened to throw them overboard and then actually threw them overboard. Trixie tried to convince the brothers to sell tickets to her show, but they declined stating their desire to keep the Flim Flam Bros. Brand "pure." Whatever that means.
Atop the tank's turret, Dan turned to the crowd. "Alright, does everybody know what we're doing?"
"No," said everybody.
"We're using Vinyl's Bass Cannon to sonar-ically map the seafloor to find the sea ponies. Wherever the heck they are."
Vinyl, who was at her mobile turntables in preparation of hoof 'n roof-raising, raised her hoof. "I have a question!"
"Yes?"
She pointed at the tank. "This won't put Vinyl's Bass Cannon in any danger, will it? Because those things aren't cheap."
Dan shook his head. "Not at all, it'll be- wait, why did you call yourself Vinyl?"
"Shhhh, I'm DJ Pon-3 right now," she whispered. And then she raised her voice loud enough for the crowd to hear, "Uhh, I'm great friends with Vinyl. She and Tavi are so awesome and their store is great and the roof totally doesn't leak. I love those two!"
"But.. everyone already KNOWS you're Vinyl Scratch. You're not even wearing a disguise or-"
"Shhhhh!" She shushed him, waving her hooves downward. "I'm in character, dude!"
"You're an idiot! You don't NEED to be in character to play an idiot!"
"Awww," she bashfully shrugged, "Thanks, Dan."
"THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!"
"Hey Dan? Are we going to do this today? Or am I just going to hang around here from now on?" Lightning asked, duct taped to the tank.
"Fine. Fine, we're doing this. Blasties, ready?"
"Ready!"
"Ready."
Dan aimed the tank's turret. "On three... two... one... FIRE BASS CANNON!"
*Boom* The tank exploded. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" And Dan was sent flying off the side of the ship. Flipping end over end like a ragdoll, he came down off the starboard side, hitting the waves.
"Dan!"
"Dan!"
"Dan!"
"Thppth!" Dan! Twilight, Chrys, Phoenix and Fluffle rushed to the starboard side. For a moment, they were concerned for Dan's safety.
"Oh, wait... he's fine," Phoenix said. He pointed to a disturbance in the waves. "Those angry bubbles near the surface are Dan's. He's okay."
The angry bubbles burbled their way back to the ship where Dan emerged and climbed his soggy self back up to the top deck. The All of My Rage was covered in special netting and had plenty of ropes hanging off the side for looting purposes. Literally every part of the ship was designed for the purpose of carrying either valuable stolen crap or just regular garden-variety stolen crap. Griffons didn't need a reason to steal things, they just needed space to store it, and they had space.
Dan dripped back to where the tank was. "No. No. No," he said, stomping his way over. He finally broke into a run yelling, "NO. NO. NO. NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MYYY TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNK!" A blackened Lightning Claw sat in the center of a scorched circle on the deck. The alicorn's horn broke off again.
"Noo... NOOO! MY HORN!" he cried, cradling his horn. "Why? Why would you do something so recklessly stupid?!"
"Do you even KNOW how many times recklessly stupid has worked for us?!?!" Dan broke down to his knees, grasping at the ash pile that was the remains of the tank's chassis.
Twilight walked over. "It's okay, boys. We'll fix your horn, Lightning and we'll fix the..."
"TANKY!"
"Yeah, we'll fix the tank," Twilight said. "Blasties? Where are the girls?"
"DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!" The Blast Twins chanted over by a scrap pile that was the tank's turret. Dan picked both of them up.
"Oh, we'll do it again, alright."
"Yaaayyyy!" And he tossed them in the ocean. "Wheeeeee!" Which they enjoyed.
That afternoon was spent repairing both the tank and Vinyl's Bass Cannon. It was quickly discovered that the tank, in its ashen obliterated state, could not be repaired with regular tools. Dan forced the entire crew to spend the next three hours following the discovery repairing the tank, which was ultimately unsuccessful despite several unhelpful ideas from Blast Fuse and Blast Powder. A short funeral service was held for the tank.
Gust approached a makeshift podium. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of Raptor Jesus," he said, gesturing to Tuxley who just shook his head in distaste, "to join together these two in the bonds of holy matrimony." As he was talking, an overly-excited Chrys slid zero-animation slid into view.
"Uh, Gust, no, we're doing a funeral."
"If anyone sees any reason that these- wait, what? Oh. Errrm," he cleared his throat. "Tanky was a great tank and a true friend to... are we really having a funeral for the tank?"
Phoenix looked around. "Uh... no one's here." The black-dressed crowd from the previous scene, which had gone unmentioned until now, had departed just as quickly as they had assembled. Meaning instantaneously. Phoenix turned back around to see that Gust was also gone. "I see, then. If I stay here and talk to myself then, the joke is on me." (Drat.) The lawyer left.
The next day, Dan was eager to forget the previous day. The Bass Cannon, fortunately, had been fixed and this time Dan mounted it on something that wouldn't matter at all if it exploded: the ship.
"Does anyone else see a pattern here?!" Phoenix asked.
"Yeah, Broseidon, king of the Brocean Depths, this is a mundo-bad idea," Gust said.
"Alright, fine," Dan said angrily. "Vinyl!"
"Dude! I'm still in character!"
"SHUT UP! Get over here, hook your doohickey up right on something that... will not self-destruct," Dan instructed. "Lightning Claw will boost power of said Bass Cannon."
Twilight, Chrys, Knight and Ace, the smart ones, nodded simultaneously. "You see? That sounds like a more responsible course of action."
"DJ Pon-3's experience increases probability of success by a base of fifty percent."
Dan nodded, joining the four brainy girls on the deck. It was difficult for him to take a backseat, but he did so. "I... need to work on the whole 'responsible courses of action' thing. Plans, I'm good at. Making split-decisions not involving rage, working on it."
Phoenix nodded, patting Dan on the back. "Maybe the tank-"
"Her name was Tanky."
"Maybe... what happened with Tanky will serve as a reminder. And in her... memory, we-"
Dan slammed his fist into his palm. "WE'LL DEDICATE ALL GOOD DECISIONS FROM NOW ON TO TANKY! Nicky, that's a brilliant idea! The next golden statue in town is dedicated to Tanky."
"I'm sure the Mayor will be in love with that idea," Phoenix said.
It only took a few minutes for the Blasties, DJ Pon-3 and Lightning to finish hooking up the repaired Bass Cannon to one of the ship's deck guns.
"Alright everybody, it's ready!" Not-Vinyl announced.
"Hooray," everybody cheered as enthusiastically as could be expected.
"On three... two... one..."
The hatch to the lower decks burst open. Octavia reached a hoof out to Vinyl and the others and at the top of her lungs shouted, "VINYL! WAIT!"
"FIRE!!"
BRZZZZOOOOWWWWWWWMMM!!! A giant beam launched from the barrel of the deck gun and pierced the waves. It tunneled deep to the ocean depths until finally the magical sonic beam exploded on the seafloor in a massive wave of pure pony dubstep. Remember when that was a thing? No? Well, the ocean was hearing it for the first time. It was kind of divided on it as well.
The ship shook, but nothing exploded. The Bass Deck Gun Cannon vibrated, seeming to shimmer before their eyes. On the bridge, the mapping equipment was able to receive the sonar data and build a map using it.
"Guys! It worked!" Captain Clasp announced from the intercom. "We're getting in a huge swath of the seafloor with plenty of details! Gust, we could map the whole ocean with this!"
"Ahh, yes!" Gust said.
Twilight, Chrys and the others applauded. Dan clapped lighter than the others, but was supportive. "Good job, guys. MY plan worked out amazingly, as always."
Everyone was happy the plan had worked. Everyone except Octavia, who was galloping across the deck to the rest of them.
"Vi...nyl..." she said, panting. "Vinyl, you forgot that-"
"Tavi, SHHHH!" she shushed her. "I'm in character, remember? Seriously, how many times have I told ya about this?"
"SHUT. UP. YOU. IDIOT!" Octavia growled. "You are ALL IDIOTS!!" she said, sweeping her limbs to accuse all of them.
Dan sauntered over to her. "I think the sea has gotten to you, young lady. You're still obviously seasick, so you need some more bed rest and-"
"YOU!" She placed her hoof over his mouth. "You are the biggest idiot of them all! Or... maybe not. You're all fools!"
"Octavia," Twilight said, stepping forward, "What's wrong?"
Octavia turned around. "You're fools... you all forgot!"
"What did we forget?" Chrys asked.
She pointed at the Bass Cannon. "Remember what that thing does to nearby structures... when they're not acoustically protected from it?!?!"
"Oh... uh oh," Vinyl said, taking off her glasses to reveal her red eyes. "Yeah, I kinda completely forgot about that."
"Yeah... we spent weeks renovating the library after that," Chrys said, remembering.
"That's why you're... well, you know what you are," Octavia said, falling back onto a conveniently-placed Fluffle.
"That was waaaaaaayyy back in Episode 3, though!" Chrys protested. "Who even remembers Episode 3?"
In the back row, Michael raised his hoof. "I remember-"
Barro grabbed his friend's hoof and pulled it back down. "Shut up, Michael."
"I bet Pepperidge Farm remem-"
"SHUT UP, MICHAEL!" They all yelled at him.
"It does, though," Michael said.
Flim and Flam walked over to him. "Excuse me, sonny, would you like to buy some raffle tickets?"
But Dan was mysteriously silent. "Actually, I did remember," he said, beaming with hands on his hips. "Yes, yes, my people fear not, your valiant leader made sure to acoustically protect the ship when it was under construction in Ponyville."
"Ohhh, awesome!"
"Dan, that's excellent!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Way to go, Dan!"
"That's my boyfriend!" Chrys said, wrapping her legs around him.
Dan nodded. "Eeyep. I specifically outlined the designs of the new carriers to incorporate specialized paneling that could absorb Vinyl's Bass Cannon blasts, in the event that Vice Grip pirated the design off the internet. Pretty good for thinking ahead, huh?"
"Absolutely!"
"Our Dan always has a plan," Phoenix said.
Everyone was about to lift Dan in the air to cheer his victory. Unfortunately, that was when the alarm klaxons started blaring. Everyone peeled off of Dan in mid-celebration hug.
"Dan..."
"What? I'm telling the truth! I designed these ships specifically to be acoustically protected!" Dan said, looking around.
"Umm..." Gust raised a claw. And everyone turned to him.
"You're about to be one dead duck, motherclucker," Dan said
"Hey! It's not my fault!" Gust said, hovering up defensively. "We got the panels you suggested and put them in all over the ship! I even installed a few myself! Honest!"
Dan's teeth were gritted and his fists were balled. "Then what is the problem?! WHY ARE THERE ALARMS BLARING, CHICKEN MAN?!"
Gust swallowed. "Some of the panels were damaged in the attack and we kinda went on this vacation before we could replace them at Pone Depot. So we pulled some from the unimportant sections of the ship. And there weren't that many, so there's only one section that went unprotected!"
"And which section is that birdbrain?!?!"
Gust winced. "Th-the engineering section." Explosions reverberated through the deck of the ship. The alarms grew louder and more panicked.
"I take it back," Octavia said. She poked Gust's chest. "YOU are the biggest idiot on this boat."
"The engineering section is powering the whole ship! NOTHING WORKS WITHOUT IT!" Dan yelled. "What in your tiny, pathetic mind told you it would be okay to leave THAT section of the ship unprotected?!?!"
Eyes closed, sweating, Gust swallowed one more time. "We... we can't store any loot in that section!"
The horizon began to dip as the ship started to take on water. The deck turned from a flat plane to a disturbingly uncomfortable lean. As the others awkwardly tried to keep their balance, concern quickly growing in their stomachs, Dan blandly stared back at Gust, eyes half-open. "Well, nuggets, you won't have to worry about going down with the ship."
"Uhh, wh-why?"
"Because I'm just gonna kill you right now. Save you the trouble."
"How thoughtful, Dan," Phoenix remarked.
"See? I'm always thinking ahead."