Chapter Three: Trouble in Bonetown
I watched on as Garrison was bored by the incessant droning that was Maud’s Lecture Mode, but I knew that he would have been far more bored listening to Twilight. However, my main focus was on my newly minted Knight, though the Maximi have little trouble keeping an eye on everything in their universe simultaneously anyway. I just couldn’t help but be fascinated by the advent of Magic into a life that wasn’t unlike my mortal journey, but my main concern was that my Knight, my Chosen, was going to be taken off of my board before I could get another move in. Iry-Hor advised me to stay relatively hands-off with him when I asked, so I switched to Twilight to see what she was doing.
The purple Pony Princess stood on the balcony adjacent to her room and leaned against the railing, looking out over Ponyville as she watched her subjects mill about, carrying out last minute errands and returning to their homes as the Sun lead the charge into the night. For the thirty-first time in the past ten hours, Twilight sighed and worked her jaw, still unhappy with the way things had turned out with the strange man she’d met. Garrison had been kind to her and Twilight felt as though he was trying to protect her out of some familial affection rather than any manner of duty or obligation, but she just didn’t know why she felt like he was her brother or something.
“There’s something about that stallion.” She muttered to herself for the sixth time since she’d woken up in Equestria. “... It couldn't have just been random chance.”
She wasn’t wrong, but who was I to say anything? It wasn’t in my current agenda to tell Twilight that Gauche was supposed to have gone to Equestria with her in the first place, though I was a little pissed about that part of my plan falling through. It irritated to no end that Luna had intervened so early and had essentially cut off further bonding between my Knight and my Bishop, which I found to be quite rude. The yeast infection I gave her was a mild punishment for fucking with my mad strats, but I would happily claim a leg if she screwed with me again.
Asides aside, Twilight wrapped up her bout of brainstorming and headed inside to see if she could have a word with Celestia, so she got a quill and some paper before writing out a letter to her former mentor and lifelong role model. Once she’d gotten the situation explained down to the most minute detail since Luna hadn’t really let her talk to Celestia before shipping her off to Ponyville, Twilight sent the note off and waited for a reply. She got a reply, but it came in the form of a tall white mare with a pastel rainbow for a mane instead of off-white paper and some smelly ink.
“Good evening, Twilight.” Celestia said, her voice soothing and motherly. “I’m sure you’d rather have this conversation in person.”
Twilight was dumbstruck for all of a single second before she popped out of her seat. “Y-Yes! I wasn’t expecting you to come for a visit, but sure!”
Celestia wore a metaphorical mask to quell the amused smile she always felt like wearing whenever she was around Twilight. “Twilight, we’re equals in rank now. You don’t have to agree with everything I do, and before you do it, you don't have to apologize. It’s fine.”
The purple mare blushed and I got a chuckle out of it. In most Parallels, Twilight sucks up to Celestia like a sweeper just based on the girl-crush alone. “R-Right… So do you think you can help me?”
“I would like to believe so, yes. Tell me, what was this ‘Gauche’ like?”
Twilight felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered her cynical protector. “He… He wasn’t very trusting of anypony, but… Well, you have to meet him to understand what he feels like. It’s like he puts off a pseudo-demonic aura that just makes you feel like he’s watching over you whenever he’s around, and he was obviously smart, just not conventionally, you know? I think he was smart like Applejack rather than me or one of the other CSFGU (Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns) alumni. There was this Minotaur who apparently came looking for us while Gauche and I were looking for a place to settle and start working on a way to get us home, but he said that the Minotaur had a massive sword and that he wasn’t willing to ask him for directions. I didn’t understand why Gauche was so suspicious at the time…”
“But you can hazard a guess?” Celestia finished.
Twilight nodded a few times. “I can’t think of a single good reason why somepony would be walking around with a weapon drawn unless they planned on intimidating somepony.”
I already knew Twilight was naive, but I didn't think she was actually stupid quite yet.
“It sounds like this Gauche was quite streetwise. What did he say his occupation was?”
“Um… I think he said he was a repossession specialist.”
“So he’s a thief.”
“... Is that what that means?”
“I would call it a nice way of saying that one is a thief with the information I have of him, yes. Tell me, where did Gauche take you when you were in Minosia?” Celestia asked, trying to build a better picture of the incident since she didn’t have the full story.
“He didn’t really take me anywhere. We both looked around for an inn, and after I disguised myself, we found one together. Gauche was every bit as lost as I was.”
“What makes you certain of this, Twilight?”
The youthful Princess’s eyes fell to the floor. “... Because it’s my fault that he’s in Minosia in the first place.”
“... I need you to elaborate on that, Twilight.”
Twilight shuffled her hooves. “W-Well, I was performing a summoning spell that would bring me a pony with a high aptitude for learning and Magic, but when I went to put the ingredients in the rune circle, I think the powdered Alicorn hadn’t been fully drained and it turned the summoning spell into a Banish-Bring Me spell.”
“Did this Gauche have anything to say about where he was from?”
“He said he came from a country called Avalesce and that he’d never heard of Equestria or Minosia.”
That raised a handful of red flags for Celestia. “... He’d never heard of two of the largest countries on the face of Equis?”
“He didn’t know who you were either.” Twilight said softly. “I’m pretty sure I accidentally pulled Gauche from another world and now he’s all alone without a single friend to look out for him-”
“Twilight, it might be for the best that you and Gauche parted ways. Rarely have thieves ever made it to old age, and it’s not because they have heart attacks before their time.” Celestia said comfortingly.
For once in her life, Twilight glared at Celestia. “Did you just tell me to leave a friend behind?”
“Some ponies don’t make good friends, Twilight. It’s nothing against Gauche-”
“I’d rather like to think that it is something against Gauche! You taught me from the day you sent me to Ponyville to the day I became a Princess that the Magic of Friendship can overcome anything, and if Gauche isn’t as nice as he appeared to be, then I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that Friendship can make him a nicer guy!”
Celestia, a multi-millennia old being, backed down to her own student. “You trust this Gauche stallion a lot, don’t you?”
“I do, and I owe him a good life since I took his away from him. I can’t make him happy if he’s not here.” Twilight said firmly.
“... Twilight, even if Gauche is streetwise, he’s going to need more than knowledge from a different world to survive in Minosia. By the time we find him-”
“I know what you’re going to say and that’s why I’m going to keep sending Gauche letters through Spike to make sure he knows that somepony out there cares about him!”
That had little to nothing to do with what Celestia was about to say, but she let it go nonetheless. “As you wish, Twilight. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“If he can find a Teleportation Station, could we grant him citizenship?”
“If his blood belongs to another country, then it would be a difficult process-” Celestia started.
“I’ll do all the paperwork, I just need your seal of approval! I’ll vouch for Gauche until Luna learns how to square dance, Celestia, but you’re the one who could get him into Equestria, guaranteed.”
The ancient woman pondered her choices for a few seconds before coming to a conclusion that would have taken most philosophers ages to come to. “If you’re willing to put so much trust into this stallion, then I suppose I should allow you to learn from this. If you can find Gauche, I promise you that I’ll grant him citizenship in Equestria, regardless of my apprehensions.”
“Oh, thank you, Princess! I highly doubt that this will come back to bite me!”
I looked at Twilight, and then at Celestia before laughing. Nothing nice ever stays that way for long, no matter how nice I try to keep things. In any case, I turned my attention back to Garrison as he was sleeping in his nest of blankets, cozied up nice and warm for the day while the same three Bite-Backers strolled the hall to make sure he didn’t go anywhere. I found it more than just pointless since Garrison would have no logical way of getting out of The Catacombs without knowing the right path, and the illusory nature of The Catacombs meant that he would likely get himself into the Holding Cells before he made it anywhere close to an exit.
I shook my head and turned my attention back to the rest of the universe, though it’s not like my performance slipped at all while I was checking up on my two favourite pieces on the board. Twilight was doing what she needed to be doing and Gauche was safe enough for me to not reset and try again, so with that, I let the world turn as it pleased and got back to making the six hundred and sixty-five other Gods bow down to my strength.
Some days I miss Sh’ Ara. Most days I’m just glad that no one dares come after me anymore.
❖☬❖
I woke up with a stiff neck and a rumbling stomach, but there were worse ways to start the day, in my opinion, and I had some hardtack and jerky in some of my pouches anyway, so I wasn’t exactly starved. However, I didn’t feel like going back to sleep and I was tired of staying in one place already, so I left the room pretty casually and waited around for someone to come walking down the hall. The first person I saw was a Minotaur, so I said fuck that and waited for a Griffin to come around.
“Heya! You there!” I called out as the fellow was coming closer to me.
“Yeah? What is it?” He answered grumpily.
“Where do I go for a real bite around here?” I asked.
“You go topside if you want something decent, Bub. Otherwise you got stew, soup, or leaves.”
“Stew will do. Where do I go for that?”
“... It’s not like I’m doin’ shit. I’ll take you to the Mess Hall, but if Underboss Maud or Division Head Cleft come around, then it’s been a couple of days since you’ve had a warm meal and you need something on your stomach.”
“It’s not exactly a lie there, Bruv. Last real meal I had was a couple of days ago.”
“Ah. Right. Guess we better get moving then.” He shrugged and started walking away.
“Heya! What’s your name, Bruv?” I asked politely.
“Name’s Marrak. If the name sounds weird to you, then it’s because it’s a Great Sands tag, courtesy of dear old Dad.” Marrak huffed.
“Was your dad a mountain lion with a taste for eagle ass?”
“No, he was a lecherous eagle with no stamina and no problem swooping down on a house cat.” Marrak chuckled.
“My Dad was a farmer. The only thing he knew how to do was plow fields and eat.” I laughed in turn, though I never actually knew my Dad.
“Was he an actual farmer?”
“No, he was some pumped up Aristocunt with a penchant for slumming it.”
“So a swooper like my old man?”
“If that’s the word for it, then yeah.”
He tapped my shoulder with his fist. “Not exactly a common story around these parts. Minotaurs claim all their kids since they only lay with the one they marry.”
“Lucky them, I guess.” I replied drily.
“Shit, I’d rather stay a bastard than have a Minotaur father. Half of these moo-brained udder-dunkers can barely tighten a screw, let alone whip it out to piss.”
“That’s racist.”
“So?”
“Bitch, do I look like a tailor?”
Marrak gave me a funny look before he burst out laughing. “Aw Tartarus, where’d you get that one?”
“Made it up on the fly.”
“Aw man, don’t get killed too early, alright? Bite-Back needs more people with an actual sense of humour.”
“I’ve made it twenty-some odd years without getting killed until I died to death. Here’s hoping I can double it and pass my life expectancy.”
“How long are you supposed to live?”
“I was probably supposed to die yesterday or earlier today, so I’m on borrowed time that I can’t pay back.” I snorted and barked out a laugh. “So what’s your ‘special talent’? What got you down here?”
“Ah, I’m one of the Great Sands holdovers. A lot of my squad retired to the deserts to help Queen Bast keep her throne since her sugar daddy husband croaked a couple of years back.”
“... You mean Bite-Back placed a figurehead in power?”
“What? No, it’s just that Bast is a Cat of the people, just like King Saladin used to be. Higher taxes for useless Nobles, lower taxes for Ny-Li farmers, more standing guards than standing soldiers; the works, man. Queen Bast is a Molly like no other.” Marrak clicked his beak trice in a rapid staccato of approval, I assumed.
“And what about King Herodotus?”
“That jackass? If he doesn’t grind Minosia into a wasteland while trying to fight Equestria, then he’s going to get half of overage populace killed in a war with Bast and the Cats. The Naga would pitch in to claim the deserts for their own scaly asses, but Minotaurs under Herodotus’ rule don’t have many friends outside of Minosia. Tartarus, man, just ask some of the elder smiths or tale-spinners; they’ll tell you that Minosia used to be a force to be reckoned with; a real Leviathan. Now? Now most places in Minosia are so broke that it’s going to take a full flip on the Noble script to get the economy right. Herodotus and Zeus, his father, ran Minosia into the toilet and didn’t remember to flush before sticking their own country face-first into brackish water.”
“... I need to go kill that guy.” I said plainly.
Marrak tapped my shoulder again. “Good luck on that one, man. The furthest we know anyone’s gotten was the second floor, and we’re talking about fifteen stories here.”
“They weren’t me.” I popped my neck and tried to ease the itching in my fingers as I thought of all the possible infiltration routes that I could use, but in the end, I decided that going in from the ground level was a bad idea. I needed to get in and get out fast, and I knew a good way to do just that, Furladra willing.
“Hey, if Cleft catches you talking like that, she’ll throw you at the walls solo.” Marrak warned quietly.
I flipped my hood back to give him a look. “I’ve cased castle's before, and I’m pretty sure that the ruler of Fechere was paranoid enough to catch a proficient thief at a whim. I stole rings right off that man’s fingers, Marrak. I get in, I get out, the job gets done.”
“Oh really?” A female voice said from a hall we’d just passed. Marrak and I turned to see what I assumed was a female Minotaur walking up to us, and when he layed eyes on her, Marrak clapped a fist over his heart.
“Division Head Cleft! Glad to see you got out of Iron Shell alive.” Marrak said nervously.
She grimaced and rubbed a large, fresh looking scar on her exposed shoulder. “Fuck that Tartarushole. Next time, Maud’s going.” I chuckled at that and she glared at me, but she wasn’t as scary as Maud for some reason. “Think something’s funny, calf?” She snarled.
“The idea of a Minotaur sending a Pony into a shithole sounds ridiculous. I would’ve thought that you big bastards would want the glory of the hunt for yourselves.” I answered calmly.
“I don’t like you.” Cleft growled.
“I find that how much someone likes me coincides directly with how much they like anal.” I replied, earning myself a stiff elbow from Marrak.
“You must be new.” the Division Head said, her voice getting chilly. “I’m going to warn you once; keep it up with the flyboy bullshit and I’ll kill you.”
“Gotta catch me ya filthy animal.” I leaned into the latter part of the sentence extra hard to add to the levels of disrespect. “So far, you’re just a pumped up sow that happens to demand respect before giving any, so you can go fuck yourself.”
“You’re already dead.” She said, her voice ice cold.
“NANI!?” A voice shouted from the ceiling.
Everyone in the hall looked up. “... What the fuck was that?” I asked.
❖☬❖
I couldn’t resist. She set me up for it, dammit!
❖☬❖
“No clue, but run.” Marrak whispered fiercely.
Cleft turned to me and started walking in my direction. “Last words, meat sack?”
“Say hello to your ancestors for me after they get done making fun of you.” I stalked toward her at my own pace as shouts and cries from the few passersby in the halls gathered as many people as possible to watch their boss get killed.
Cleft bore her teeth and me and lowered her stance for a charge that was so obvious, it made my left kidney ask if it should just detach and wither away just to give her some sort of advantage. It was a little funny to see a brute force kind of fighting style from someone who was supposed to be a single rank below Maud, but then again, I never equated rank to worth other than monetary value. I’d met a lot more soldiers and rangers that were worth their weight in salt than officials who were worth a damn, so I dropped into my own stance and tried to loosen up and calm down while keeping the blood in my veins boiling so I could strike fast and hard. I knew for a fact that I wasn’t about to knock her out, and it was even less likely that she would let me get a few hits off and call it a day, so the moment Cleft started her charge, I took a lazy step forward, and as she was closing the distance, I made my move.
I swayed out of the way of Cleft’s charge and used the gifts Daelus had given my to stab her in the middle of her lower back. The former Division Head gave an agonizing cry while my wrist-blade got wedged between the vertebrae in her spine, pulling me down with her and forcing the blade deeper when I fell on top of her. Cleft’s bellows of pain turned into pitiful pleas for help before I could rip my blade out of her bleeding form, but when I did, she seized and spasmed on the floor, so I showed some mercy since I’m not a cold-blooded bastard and shoved the same blade into the base of her skull to end her suffering.
The fight wasn’t over, however. Multiple shouts of pure rage sounded and my stomach felt like it was trying to tie itself into knots, so I got away from Cleft’s prone form and drew the knife I’d traded for a silver tiara a year or two ago since the wrist-blades weren’t really meant for actual combat. I had a funny feeling that my life was about to come to an end again and I was slowly becoming more and more sure that some cosmic power was fucking with me as the first bull charged me. I slit his throat as he passed since it was a wild, slowish charge and he stumbled, but I still had more things to worry about. My instincts told me to dodge right, so I hopped to the right and caught a dropkick to the side, which was a lot better than getting hit by the sword that was swung at me. I rolled and scurried to my feet before hitting a bony wall with four more combatants closing in on me. There was another Minotaur wielding a large baton, a Pony with the sword from earlier, and two Griffins who were sharpening their claws as they all lurked closer and closer, cutting off my escape routes.
I had second to think of a winning plan and had a decent one in moments. With bravado gushing through my veins, I turned the tables on the Bull-man and charged him, which he was evidently not expecting since I managed to slip into his guard faster than he could react and stab him in the throat. As the strength was leaving his body, the fucker had the wherewithal to grab me, costing me three deep gashes in my side, courtesy of some dickish Griffin with no honor. Since they wanted to play dirty, I threw off the metaphorical gloves (I kept the ones I was wearing on) and stabbed the Minotaur where it would hurt the most; the family jewels.
He let go immediately to nurse his ruined cock-n-balls, giving me time to get some distance between me and the first Griffin, though he kept up the pressure while his female kin circled around behind me. The Pony-woman was just standing off to the side for the time being, so I suddenly dived toward her and got to my feet, backing toward her, waiting for my instincts to tell me to duck. The feeling in my stomach came right on time, so I hit the deck before kicking one of her legs out from underneath her and scrambling to shove one of my hidden blades into her eye. With her taken care of, I had to wrench my blade out of her eye socket, which cost me another series of gashes on my upper arm that sucked lots and lots because it hit fucking bone. I didn’t have much of a chance to dodge the next swing, but I still managed to grab the Pony’s sword and gut the female Griffin like a hog in a single lucky swing, finally getting myself free of the Pony-woman’s face. When I got up, the male Griffin was backing away, and that pissed me off.
“Heya cowardly cunt! Fuckin’ what now!? Thought you were tough shit when ya hadja buddies about, dintcha!? Fuckin’ thoughtcha’d gang up on one guy ‘cause yer fuckin’ weak, pathetic scum.” I bore my teeth at him, my lips trembling. “Fuckin’ join ‘em, coward. Die today; fight me one-on-fuckin’-one like a fuckin’ man! Are you some kinda rat with wings or what? Nah, nah, a rat got more honor than you and these dead pieces a’ shit. You ain’t worth shit. Fuckin’ none these bodies worth shit. So yeah, bitch. Come on. Make. My. Gods. Damned. Day.” I seethed.
There were a lot more people in the hall now, and there was no escape from the killing floor I’d laid out. The Griffin tried to run through the crowd, but with the adrenaline coursing through my system, he never stood a chance of not getting chased down by me and taken to the ground. I didn’t count how many time I stabbed him, but he was as dead as the rest of his friends when I stopped and got up, panting heavily and bleeding like a stuck pig. I looked around the circle of people, huffing and puffing while I tried to stay conscious. It was a harder task that one might think, and I wasn’t too sure about whether or not I should sit and avoid knocking my head on something for a quick death or to prop myself up on something for a significantly slower one.
I like doing things the hard way sometimes.
I sat up against a wall not too far from where Cleft’s cadaver lay and counted five more. I’d technically killed two units and one extra, and I was pretty sure that it didn’t matter how good I was in a fight; I broke rank and probably just killed some veteran operatives or some shit, but at the moment, I couldn't really care less about anything other than taking a good nap, so when I closed my eyes, I half expected it to be for the last time.
❖☬❖
I don’t know what I was expecting, but I know it sure as fuck wasn’t waking up in a soft bed with warm blankets and a source of person shaped heat next to me. My ribs and arm ached like the wounds were fresh, and when I checked the bandages around said wounds, they seemed to be doing their job pretty well, all things said and done. I was curious as to who deigned it worth their time to nap next to me, but then I smelled chocolate and marshmallow and the jig was up. I knew Maud liked me for some odd reason, but I wasn’t sure why she would let me into her bed after I killed six of Bite-Back’s members.
I laid in bed, thinking about what life was already turning out to be on this weird fucking planet, trying to make sense of it all. I mean, in less than a full week, I’d managed to help a Princess escape a hostile nation, got recruited by a sketchy shadow organization, caught the eye of one of the highest ranking officials in said organization, and ended up killing a lot of people because one woman didn’t like one little chuckle. It’s crazy to think how life can go one way one moment, then flip its shit completely and leave you with blood on your hands and bodies on the floor. I didn’t like what had happened, but I accepted it for what it was and tried to avoid hoping too hard in general.
The pain in my side made it hurt to breathe, so I just suffered in silence until I heard and felt Maud start stirring beside me. “Morning sleeping beauty.” I said softly to avoid having to take a deeper breath.
“It had better not be morning.” Maud monotoned. I heard a clasp open and close in the space of a few seconds. “It is night. This is good.”
“Does that mean someone’s going to hit me with a willow poultice so I’m not constantly reminded of getting messed up by that fuck-faced Griffin?”
“His name was Geoffrey, and willow does not work as well as Katarain. I will apply the poultice momentarily.”
“You’re the best, Mauddie.” I sighed.
“That is an affectionate pet name.” She said blandly.
“It’s better than Mauble.”
“... Mauble.”
“Like marble. Because you like rocks.” I answered.
“... That is sickeningly cute. Do not call me that in public.” I felt her get off of the bed, so I tried sitting up only to learn that doing so was like licking a lime, which is to say that it soured my day.
“How old did you say you were again? I think someone might be trying to teach Granny how to suck eggs.”
“Why would Nana Pie try to suck an egg?”
“Have you ever tried it?”
“I cannot think of a reason why I would suck an egg.”
“Next time you have an egg, suck on it for a little bit. Nana Pie could use some company.”
The lights flipped on and I was blinded for a moment, but it was all well and good after a few seconds. While my eyes were adjusting, Maud said, “I visit Nana more often than my favoured younger sister. I’m sure she has enough company with my older and youngest sister living at home.”
I rubbed my eyes to clear a bit more of the sleep from them before looking at Maud. For no discernible reason whatsoever, my nose started bleeding a few seconds after I laid eyes on her. I wonder (And still do every now and again.) if it was because of the sheer shock of having Maud wear such skimpy, revealing clothing to bed. With me. I mean, I’ve had sex. Sheepskin is a man’s best friend and all, but still. The only time I ever see women wear what Maud was wearing was in a brothel, and I had to say that despite being a different species entirely, she looked better than most of the high-shilling tarts I’d run into. I took in the sheer material that let one see the intricate, well put together designs of her undergarments, but my attention was shunted from the clothes to her figure in mere moments. Maud had hips to hold onto at night, and her thighs were incredibly nice to look at, even if they weren’t a normal skin color. I honestly tried not to stare, so I peeled my eyes away and tried to stop myself from bleeding all over Maud’s bed.
“Do you often get nosebleeds?” Maud asked.
“First one in a few years.” I said, making a point of it to get my aching arse off of the bed onto the easily washed stone floor.
“I would not mind a little blood on my linens. A spray of stain remover would take care of it.” She informed.
My back was to her now, so I had to speak up, which also sucked. “Still. I’d rather save you the trouble if I can.”
“You murder six members of Bite-Back in one of the bloodiest fights many of the Minosian Members have seen and you worry about bleeding on my things?”
“It’s not murder when it’s self defense.” I protested weakly, my strength waning with every breath.
“I was there for your assault on Geoffrey.”
“Fucker should’ve just let Cleft make her mistake and pay for it herself.” I grunted.
“Marrak tells me that you started the fight.” Maud said, her voice coming from behind me on my right side.
“I didn’t start shit. Cleft said that she was sending you in on a mission next time and I chuckled. I didn’t insult her until she tried intimidating me.”
Maud came to sit beside me on the edge of the bed and started unwrapping my arm. “Cleft always was sensitive about being laughed at.”
“I wasn’t laughing at her. I was laughing at the thought of a Minotaur passing up on a chance to make a name for themselves. They just strike me as a proud race.”
“Which is why Cleft, Darius, and Klon are all dead.”
“I guess so. Whatever happened to a regular one-on-one? I mean, Bite-Back is looking to be full of hotheads and cowards at the moment, Maud. One of the Division Heads, a woman with lives in her hands, died because of a chuckle, and six of her friends died because of that same damn awkward exhalation. This all could have been avoided if Cleft wasn’t a snowflake.” I grumbled irritably.
Maud finished unwrapping my arm and jammed her thumb into the laceration in the middle, making me gasp and try to pull away from her. “You will not speak ill of Cleft. She was a good woman, though foalish.”
“She was going to fucking kill me. That’s not a good enough reason to talk shit?”
“No.”
“I’ll stick my thumb up your nose, woman.”
“I will break that entire hand.”
“Good thing I didn’t say anything about the willy.”
“... The willy.”
“Yeah, I don’t want you breaking that.”
“I assume that you mean your penis.” Maud said, her cheeks slightly pinkened.
“Yup. Unless you have a runny nose, I don’t think either of us are going to get anything out of it.”
“I do not want to have your penis in my nose.” Maud said, her blush growing steadily.
“So where would you rather- YEEEEOW! Fucking SHITE!” I yelled, Maud’s thumb making my life suck a little more.
“I am sorry. You were saying?” She asked drolly.
“I liked you better when you were all misty-eyed over me knowing that your eyes were celadon and you were showing me your rock collection.”
“Would you like to go over the collection again?”
“... Can we pick your top five favourites and go from there?” I asked, hoping to burn a little time.
“You do not want to go over the collection again.”
“Not all of it at once, no. That’s a rock to take in, you know. It’s like a landslide of information, and I think it’ll leave a better streak if we chip away at the veritable boulder of facts you have concerning your collection. We can always do Mohs as we go-” My pun barrage was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Maud’s lips on mine, though the only reason I knew about half of those puns was because of her monologue about rocks.
It was a surprisingly passionate-though-tender kiss coming from a woman who had a hard time showing emotion, and it was downright tasty. Her breath smelled like toasted marshmallow and her lips tasted exactly like Salal chocolates; one of my favourite things to steal, dating back to the day I started nicking to keep my stomach full. Something about the unique combination of the sweets made me feel more at ease, less pained by my wounds while the shock was fading into an eagerness to reciprocate Maud’s little gift. I didn’t quite get my fill before Maud pulled away, her face a florid shade that just served to make her seem that much cuter. I still couldn't get a read on her, but I figured that taking her hand was a good move to make.
She let me have her hand and looked at the contact before squeezing my hand. “Your puns were perfect.”
I gave her an odd look before I started chuckling and wincing because of said chuckles. “How many more puns do I have to come up with for another kiss like that?”
Maud wouldn’t meet my eye, though her voice remained as steady as ever. “Try another.”
“Wow, with all this heat and pressure, I think I might metamorphosize. I don’t know if I have many more rock puns, but I’ll let you know when I strike diamonds.”
Maud turned toward me and what I saw on her face was legendary; she smiled. A little. It was more of a grin than a smile, but still. Her lips curved upwards. “Good enough.”
The second kiss was more relaxed than the first one, but that didn’t mean it was any less pleasant, though Maud jolted when I tried to slip her a little tongue. “What? Not used to a little tongue action?” I teased.
Her blush still hadn’t fully faded, but it probably wasn’t going anywhere soon. “I have never heard of using one’s tongue to kiss.”
“I’ll knock it off if it bothers you.”
“... We will try again.”
And so we did.
Which is how I learned that a Pony tongue can reach past your tonsils.