Chapter Two: Petraphobia
The Sun set peacefully. Kinda. There was a brawl downstairs in the inn as the sun found its way lower in the horizon, and I heard word of another couple of brawls between locals and out-of-towners, which made me feel like I severely needed a change of scenery. After grabbing a three bit meal and a one bit pint, I got my feet to walking and asked around for the best place to get a nice ring for the special someone in my life, and most people pointed me to the average artisans when I was actually looking for the extraordinary ones. It didn't take me long to find the more affluent part of town, and it was a cinch to stick to the shadows and avoid being spotted since I wasn’t exactly Mr. Ostentatious.
I chilled out behind a rubbish bin for a little while until the people on the streets became less and less common, and when they finally faltered to the point where there were only a few people on the streets at a given moment, I started one of my favourite activities: parkour. One of my fellow ‘Possession Allocation Control Crew’ members, or PACCers as we liked to call ourselves, taught me how to get crazy when it came to getting places or leaving without being caught. There was a Mohawk tribal in the cell that said he learned from a guy named Connor over in the Araluen States, but I’d never seen anyone better than Amo (The Croissant) or Ezio (The Spaghetti), and both of those guys were insane. Like, I'd been on twilight strolls with them (Since we were those kinds of thieves) and I've seen both of them make jumps that are definitely lethal and live. They tried having me do one of their 'Hayday Dives' and my common sense told me no.
Anyway, the alley I was in happened to be narrow enough to scale by pressing my hands and feet to opposite walls and pushing while climbing to get higher and higher. It was my least favourite part, but when I got to the rooftops, the real fun began. Most of my loot pouches were empty, so I started my search for more capital by leaping across three roofs until I found a place with a balcony that I could borrow for a quick spell. After looking inside and listening for any hint of movement, I picked the lock guarding the home only to find out that the owners didn’t bother to lock their house in the first place. It made no difference to me since I was just trying to break in and steal shit, but I did find it odd for all of ten seconds.
I opened the door slowly to test it for squeaks, and when I heard a few of the telltale signs of rust, I grasped the handle and lifted the door roughly as I opened it so it wouldn’t make any more noise. The old trick worked like a charm and I let myself in, realizing that I was in someone’s study when my eyes adjusted to the darker room. There wasn’t much light to go by, but I’ve done more with less, so I checked the study out and nabbed a massive gold pocket-watch, a similarly huge silver wrist-watch, a well made pipe and some herbs to go with it, and a fair amount of rings that were all too large to fit human hands. I figured that I was good for the time being, so I slipped back out of the house with a thick book tied to my hip with some string I kept in one of my pouches.
Finding a place to take stock of my loot was harder than I might have expected, but stashing it when I found a good place to make my base was easier than letting your heart beat on its own. In most cases, that is. In my case, the abandoned, condemned, rat filled place I decided to hang my hat seemed an awful lot like home, and when I found a room bereft of rat droppings, I emptied my pockets and went out for another Twilight Stroll/Night Crawl (What you call it depends on where you're from. Lasponites and Guermans call it Night Crawling, though Avalescians and Araluens call it Twilight Strolling) to pick up some more capital. I ended up making six trips over the course of the night, and on the last two, I managed to get enough bedding to make sleeping on the dry, splintering wooden floor of the building suck considerably less.
All was well and good while I slept until I felt a disturbance in the air. Something was setting me on edge, so I picked up the most expensive looking items I had and put them in my pouches before I stowed the rest of my goodies under the nest I’d made. My little endeavor took maybe a minute, and before the time could double, I was standing behind the door, waiting for whatever it was to come and find me while my nerves made me prepare to take flight and get the fuck out of dodge. Much to my chagrin, when the Minotaur entered the room I’d hid in, he made straight for the middle of the room and his partner followed at a much more sedate pace. With the way the door closed, I was pinned in a little corner between the door and the wall, so I would either have to close the door a bit and slip out, or I’d have to stay and try not to be heard, seen, or smelled. A glance through the crack between the door and the wall it was attached to had me looking at a Griffin with breasts on her chest and a few flecks of dark plumage lining her eyes. I’m pretty sure that the eye shadow-type feathers mark Griffins as females since I’d seen a few without them and they seemed more masculine, which really wasn’t my concern at that point in time. I was more worried about being discovered by my visitors.
“Whatever it was, it’s not here right now.” A gruff, incredibly macho voice grunted. He sounded like he punched cattle for giving him dumb looks.
“No one saw them leave.” A lighter, more patient male voice said. “Check the blankets. The reports didn't say if whoever it was happened to be a Pony or a Cat, so they might be small enough to hide there.”
I heard someone shuffle my hard-stolen goods around until they spotted some of my loot on the floor. “Well, well, well. Looks like our mystery man has sticky fingers. I guess Martel’s word is still worth something.” The lighter voice said amusedly.
“First of all, it might be female. Second, Schrade, we need to get a move on. We’re burning daylight looking for a lead on a thief that’s probably gonna overcharge us for whatever we ask him to do.” The female said from the hall. Her voice was a little breathy and sounded somewhat mild, but there was a distinctness to her voice that made me wonder if she was really the one in charge. She sounded cuter than she was since she was, you know, half bird, half lion.
“Relax, Frieda. I think our potential friend would be interested in what we have to offer if his targets are anything to go by.” Schrade (I guessed.) said. “We just have to wait for him to show his face.”
I heard someone take a deep, loud breath. “I can’t smell anything past the rats.” The grumbly voice said.
“Great. You know, I bet our guy’s in this room, laughing his hindquarters off at us right now.” Frieda said, stepping into the room and out of my line of sight.
“I’d give you a hundred bits if he was behind the fuckin’ door.” The Minotaur said.
“Get real.” Frieda scoffed, flinging my cover away and gesturing toward me. “Only a jackass would hide behind the damn door.”
“My feelings.” I held her hand and she practically flew across the room.
“Holy shit!” Frieda cried. “What the fucking fuck!?”
Schrade looked at me coolly. “Hello there.”
I waved. “Wotcher, Bruv. I hear you’ve got some work for me.”
He waved back. “If you’re a loyalist to the Iron Crown, then yes.”
“Ah, yes. The Iron Crown. The Crown of Iron. Much like the Diadem of Steel, I’ve heard.” I answered loftily.
“You’re not Minosian, are you?” The Minotaur growled.
I looked at him. “I doubt that I even come from this planet. However, money tends to buy my services, and these lips tend to give out false names, so what do you want me to do?” I asked.
Schrade held up a claw. “Not so fast, friend. We need to know your name before we start negotiations. If for anything at all, then for familiarity’s sake.”
“Call me Gauche. I know your names; Schrade, Frieda. I don’t know the big guy.”
The Minotaur snorted. “My people only give out names to our kin. You are not blooded.”
“Fair enough. So about this job…?” I inquired.
Schrade nodded. “We need you to break into a place and grab something since it seems like you’re better at it than anyone else we have right now. We have a couple of Watchers that kept an eye on you last night, and they were rather impressed with your ability to infiltrate and exfiltrate without getting so much as spotted by hired muscle or the guards. You’re seeming like a valuable addition to Bite-Back, and we can make it worth your while if your stick around.”
“How’s the ale?” I asked, hoping that the code would carry over.
Schrade gave me an odd look and the Minotaur grinned. “It is strong and flows freely from the taps.”
I passed him over and looked at Frieda who said, “It’s bittersweet and easy to beat. Every pint is hard fought, but we’re making progress.”
“Former Streetwalker. Smart woman.” I gave her an up-nod.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “What’s so smart about it?”
“You got out of it and joined what I’m assuming is a revolution. You’ve got more to give than what’s between your legs. It was smart to give up that lifestyle.”
She scoffed. “Hated it anyway. Still, I’m wondering how a sneaky thief type knows harlot hooks.”
“My old network was basically built on the backs of Streetwalkers. High-Marks are valued, and targets that can get their hands on high value women usually have loose lips. Sometimes those women happen to be a little bitter about what went on during their time together. That’s where I generally come in.”
“So you use whores to get your info, and then you what, exactly?” Frienda asked suspiciously.
“I rob our mark and come back with their cut. If I bring back a fair enough amount, then I get a repeat informer. If I don’t, I lose a thread, and that’s not my thing.”
She clicked her freaky beaky and looked at Schrade. “He’s as decent as people in our line of work get.”
Schrade chuckled. “Then we’d better watch our backs.” He gave me his undivided attention. “What do you say? You don’t seem to have much to fight for right now. Why not help turn this country around with your skills and get paid while doing it?”
“Never was fond of the government, to be honest with you. Been to gaol once and that was enough for me.” I replied. “I guess I’m in as long as you don’t get me killed.”
The Minotaur grumbled. “We need a cow instead of all these bulls.”
Frieda chuckled. “It might be a regular sausage party, but I’d rather have our current crew than my old one.”
“Didn’t your old crew try to hang you for leaving?” The big fellow asked.
“Yep. It’s nice to know that I could leave and keep my life for once.”
Schrade chuckled again. “Isn’t it? In any case, I’m sure Gauche would prefer we either left him alone or brought him to HQ.”
“If you’ve got a better bed than some blankets on a floor, then I’ll follow you.” I said drily.
“You can bring your blankets and put them on a cot or another floor.” Frieda said evilly.
“And my swag? I’m assuming that a little funding wouldn’t hurt you fellows, so I’d be happy to share half of my profits.” Given that I get the bigger split.
“Given that you get a larger share, of course. After all, it’s hard to keep a revolution running with clean money.” Schrade tapped his beak with a talon and winked at me.
“Just point me to a decent mark and I’ll have them made in minutes.” I said truthfully.
“Bragging in a sin in the eyes of the Creator.” Frieda scoffed.
“Being ugly is a sin too, but where’s your smiting?” I countered.
She gave me a deadpan look. “If you’re calling me ugly, then you’ve obviously got no taste in Griffin women.”
I pointed at Schrade. “You look like him, but a little smaller with some lumps on your chest and some dark feathers on your eyes.”
Schrade and Frieda traded a look before laughing at me. However, the Minotaur was nodding along. “He’s right. Griffins all look alike.”
Frieda shot him a dirty look. “There’s a reason why Minotaurs are considered some of the dumbest people around.”
Big Fellow, as he shall be called until his name is revealed, snorted at that. “Please. Even the dumbest Minotaur has more common sense than a Pony.”
“True enough.” Frieda acquiesced. “Are we leaving yet?”
Schrade nodded. “Help collect the stolen goods and we’ll hit the catacombs.”
I started heading over to my veritable heap of stolen good that wouldn't fit into my pack and tossed them onto a sheet before making a sack out of the cloth. Big Fellow picked up the rest of the blankets because his nine foot or three meter tall frame allowed him that luxury, and thus we started descending from the top floor of the industrial building down to the bottom. Once we were in a room with a lot of drains, Schrade popped a manhole cover and went down the ladder first, followed by Frieda, me, and then Big Fellow. The sewers fucking reeked because they were where shit gets stored, but other than that, the lights that lined the ceilings made it a tolerable place to be, even if I did have to pull my mask out of its pouch and cover my face to avoid gagging on the scent. Schrade and Frieda were both fine, but Big Fellow pulled a couple of nose plugs out of his pockets and put them in his nostrils. We noticed each other as we were defending ourselves against the smell and I think we bonded over it. I’m not sure, but we kind of felt like islands in an archipelago. It was quality archipelago time.
After a few minutes of walking in silence, Schrade lead us to a wall that had a few amorphous clay bricks jutting out of the wall, and when he scraped his claws against a few of them, we were granted entry into a place that didn’t have light. I didn’t walk terribly far into the room since I couldn't see where Frieda and Schrade had gone, but then some lights kicked on and I saw that we were in a place that seemed to be entirely made of bones and mortar. I didn’t get any bad feelings in my gut, but I knew that the place had to be home to some kinds of daemons that fed off of the dead, otherwise evil was letting far too many people have far too much peace for it to make sense. I know that the plague meant that a lot of people ended up in mass burials, but I never could agree with such a practice, even in the face of death by cholera or dysentery.
Big Fellow nearly shoved me off of my feet to get me going again, but it was pretty obvious that he’d assumed that I was either stronger or heavier than he’d thought, so I didn’t take it personally. The look of confusion on his face as I stumbled to catch my footing was enough to get me to let it go, and the fact that he was essentially carrying my bed incentivized me to go where he was going since I wanted to get a little more sleep. I’d only gotten a couple hours by the time Bite-Back had come to collect me, so I was feeling the tiredness, and it wasn’t doing me any favours. A small part of me hoped that they had some coffee and honey; a twist on the classic coffee and sugar that I’d picked up from a rogue Ranger that used to head up Castle Redmont back in Avalesce. I’d met him in Winter’s Keep while working a job for some uppity Noble and we’d been fast friends, but sadly he’d decided to try and become a Ranger again, so we lost touch. I still miss Will, although I don’t miss him as much as I could since he’s a King’s Man through and through.
I followed the Minotaur until we found Schrade and Frieda standing in front of an even bigger Minotaur with grey fur and a big silver ring piercing his septim. He laid eyes on me when Big Fellow and I came through the door and the first thing he did was chuck the mallet he was holding at me like a madman. I ducked because dodging, and the hammer whizzed over my head, but I had a feeling that I’d better leap to my right if I didn’t want something sucky to happen. My instincts proved to be correct when an odd tool I wasn’t familiar with smacked the ground where I’d been standing, and when I looked up to see what the old Minotaur was doing, I saw that he was grabbing more tools, so I popped a smoke pellet and made a mad dash to try and get around him. The old fucker stopped throwing things when the smoke was at its thickest, but I was already behind him when he started looking for me. I figured a good kick to the back of his leg would do just fine, so I sprung up and sent a thrust-kick into the dorsal side of his knee and the elder tree fell without anyone having to yell ‘Timber!’
“Heya old fucker. Knock that shit off.” I growled irritably.
He turned his head to look at me and grimaced. “Just had to go for the bad one, dintcha?”
“I’m not the fuckin’ looney throwing tools.” I reminded.
Frieda chuckled at that and Schrade elbowed her, but she just hit him back. The grey fellow answered with, “I’m not the stranger in an inner sanctum. Why these dopes brought ya here is beyond me.”
“I’m vouching for him, Irone (Pronounced like eh-rone). There’s nothing else to it.” Frieda said.
I gave her a confused look. “You’re sticking your neck out for me because I knew some Streete Speake?”
“No, I’m vouching for you because I have a feeling that you were asleep before we got into that old factory. What tipped you off to us being there?”
“Woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach, so I made the most of it.” I answered honestly. “I had enough time to grab the good stuff and hide, but that was about it.”
“Why did you ask how the ale was?” Frieda demanded.
“To know whether or not you were going to bullshit me, and to figure out which side of the law your on. Bobbles and Stickums walk opposite sides of the street.”
“What’s a Bobble?” Frieda asked.
“The long arm of the law. A piece of law enforcement.” I explained.
“Why do you call them Bobbles?”
“Back in my hometown, it was because they acted like a bobble on a fishing line. Sometimes they’d stay above water and make some clean arrests of Pluckers or a Brawler, but then they’d go under the surface and kill a Streetwalker or put a bolt through a Brothel Mommy for not paying the Existence Tax. There were other names for them like Coppers because of their copper buttons, but other than that, it just depends on where you go.”
“So what’s a Stickum?” Frieda inquired, asking me to elaborate on more of what I assumed was Terra-centric slang, though I wondered why she knew the code and not the terminology.
“Us. Any kind of quote unquote ‘undesirable’. When your average Aristocunt comes up to one of us, they always want to stick us somewhere.” I scowled and mocked the Noble accent. “Stickum in gaol where they belong! Stickum in quarantine! Stickum in the countryside so we don’t have to dirty our eyes with their filth!” I scoffed. “So yeah, we’re Stickums.”
“And what’s a Plucker?” Irone asked.
“Me. Whether you’re talking about a Pocket Diver, A Night Crawler, a Snatcher, or a Twilight Stroller; they’re all Pluckers.”
“Explain the last three.” He demanded.
“I might if you’re nicer about it.” I answered irritably.
Irone grunted and got back to his feet, towering over me at probably three and a half meters. “What’s a Night Crawler?”
“Someone who stalks marks at night. They tend to be thugs and roll-fiends, or rather, people who forcibly rob others. People who hurt people for their stuff, basically.” I elaborated.
“Alright. And a Pocket Diver is a pickpocket, right?” Schrade asked, earning himself a nod from me. “I might hazard a guess as to what a Snatcher may be. Would they happen to be eggnappers or rather, kidnappers?”
“Yup. The shorter you are, the more likely you are to be sold into a brothel.” I replied, shaking my head.
“So what are you? A Twilight Stroller?” Big Fellow queried.
“Shit,” I scoffed, “I’m the Twilight Stroller around Capersport.”
“Arrogant little prick, aren’t we.” Irone grunted.
“It’s only arrogance if you can’t back it up. Point me at a place you need cased, let me take what I want, and you’ll be a lot happier for it. Hell, most of my latest marks have been MISI, or 'Mission Impossible; Suicide Imminent.”
Irone squared his jaw. “What do you think makes you better than our best infiltrator?”
“All routes are opportunities. All items are up for grabs. No one’s as quiet as me, no one has my instincts, and no one does better at getting out unseen than me.” I checked my nails and smirked under my hood.
“Except we tracked you back to your hideout.” Schrade reminded amusedly.
“You wouldn’t have caught me.” I snorted. “Frieda would be dead and you would be the only one left to chase me, and I guarantee that you’re not smart enough to keep up with me.”
“Oh? Is that a challenge I’m hearing?” Schrade said creepily.
“Unless you’ve suddenly gone deaf, then yes.” I replied.
Irone intervened before it could get too far. “Try each other’s piss some other time. You four should get a move on for Frieda’s beheading.”
“Thanks a lot, Gramps.” Frieda grumbled. “We’ll be out of your fur in a second, so stop pissing yourself and put another diaper on.”
Irone gave her a look. “Shut up and get lost, you little whore.”
She clicked her beak twice at him and I didn't know what that was supposed to mean, but Big Fellow chuckled and Schrade rolled his eyes, so I figured it was funny or something of the sort. Either way, I took a moment to look around the bone-lined room and checked out the weird lights in the course of a couple of seconds. The room seemed pretty bare save for a sheathed zweihander that lay on a table not too far from where Irone had gone down, so when Frieda and Schrade started walking toward the only door in the room, I had little choice but to continue following them since I’d chosen the path. It hadn’t been a hard choice since I’d had a funny feeling that I nearly died, and that I would have for certain if I hadn’t agreed to help them out.
Cheers for survivalism, am I right?
The Catacombs reminded me a lot of the ones in Laspone, and they similarly didn’t seem to get any less eerie or generally foreboding the further we went along, but the hall did widen and start showing branching paths with different signs hanging above them. One was an obvious allusion to smithing, another for laundry and the like, and another had crossed swords, so I assumed it was for combat or an armory. Either way, I doubted that I would ever have to go down that hall for obvious reasons. I mean, rarely do I find a Twilight Stroller that’s actually trained with a sword. Most of us can knife fight like you wouldn’t believe, but actually handling a sword? Unlikely.
The longer we walked the less sure of my decision I was becoming, but before I could lose my nerve entirely, we turned down a Hall that had three jagged lines as a pictogram instead of the fairly intricate carvings that most of the other halls had hanging over their entrances. The walk down that hall was long and tedious, but it gave our little group some time to get to know me a bit more and I tried to be open with the information I gave since little of it could come back to bite me in any way shape or form. Still, I didn’t like talking about myself that much, and when it came to my personal past or my real history, I made it clear that trust was key to getting those questions answered.
“So what brings you to Grey Grotto anyway?” Frieda asked. “You don’t talk like you’re from Minosia or Gryphus, so what’s the deal?”
“I don’t know. The Pony I arrived here with said that she fucked up a spell and probably got me roped into her mess, which sounds pretty likely to me. Hell, like I said earlier, I highly doubt that I’m even from this planet.” I replied, disquietude creeping into my voice despite the calm, collected farce I’ve perfected over the years. In my defense, a lot was being thrown at me at once and I rather needed some time to sit, soak, and surrender to Fate.
“So bad luck brought you here?” Schrade asked.
“Essentially. Whether you call it luck, Fate, or karma, it’s all the same rose.” I said, reciting an old witticism that I’d made. It’d served to get my point across a few times.
“I suppose that’s accurate enough. I trust you’re a believer in the Almighty?”
“Not quite. If there is an Almighty, then it is Fate itself. If there isn’t, then Fate is still Fate. It’s a matter of perspective and semantics that really just leads itself into circles.”
Schrade got a laugh out of that. “I have a funny feeling that you’re not exactly one to mince words.”
Big Fellow made a noise of approval. “Actions are better than words. Why verbally punch someone below the belt when you can physically do it?”
“I’d rather steal someone’s peace of mind. Open every door in their home and leave everything out to be taken and you’ll fuck someone’s head nice and proper.” I chimed in.
“So you’re a cerebral assassin more so than a literal one?” Frieda inquired.
“I fill whatever role I need to, I just prefer not to get my hands bloody. The only thing that blood gets you is more blood in the end.” I pulled on some wisdom from an old sicario for that one. Samuel Gregiano was a brilliant monk, but most of his wisdom was better suited for people like me who walked a fine, bloody line.
“So you’ve killed for money before?” Schrade asked neutrally.
“Not quite. I’ve taken hits to be sure, but I don’t do it for a price. I might rob my mark blind before I take their most valuable possession, but so far I’ve only killed corrupt officials and Nobles.
“Interesting.” Schrade and Frieda chorused.
“... Right. What about you, Schrade? What’s your story?”
He clicked his beak. “Me? I’m a former spy. Used to be Gryphonian before I got burned while working a case on a coven of Cat Vampires, and my credentials were pulled while I was avoiding getting my blood sucked. Apparently I was too clean for King Jean Luq, and Queen Hildegarde is a sham of a Griffin, so she let him blacklist me. I didn’t find out that I was a wanted man until a trio of fledgling soldiers tried to arrest me for treason against The Leaden Crown.” Schrade shook his head. “It’s a shame that I had to kill them, but I was trained to never leave a loose end.”
I nodded along. “So what happened with the coven?”
He clicked his beak a lot harder this time around. “Those leeches were direct subordinates of Jean Luq. Feather-plucking Hippogriffs have always been friendly with Blood Suckers due to some old pact that few enough Hippogriff royals even know about. The only reason I know anything is because I had to exterminate that coven and I made sure that I pried as much information as I could out of all of them before I set their pitiful bodies alight.” The corners of his beak raised slightly, almost as if the keratin or whatever it was happened to be malleable.
“What about Jean Luq? Did you manage to take him down?” I asked.
Schrade passed me a glance. “Bite-Back is international. I didn’t personally take him down, but we managed easily enough. Most of the Griffins in The Granite Grove are, and I hate to say this, but they’re rather racist. Most of the guards in the castle happened to hate Hippogriffs, so it wasn’t hard to bribe a few patrols to head the other way.”
“And Queen Hildegard?”
“Killed herself out of grief.” Frieda answered. “Good riddance to weak rubbish.”
“Brutal, if not well deserved. What about you, bare beak-ed lady? I’m sure you have some grievance against the establishment.” I reasoned.
Frieda gave me a dark look. “All you need to know is that one of the Minosian Princes gave me a good enough reason to stop hooking.”
I switched my line of questioning. “So are you from Gryphus, or are you Minosian?”
“Minosian.” She answered tersely.
I nodded and looked to Big Fellow. “And you?”
He looked down at me. “Minotaurs rarely leave Minosia. I’ve lived in Grey Grotto my entire life.”
“What makes you want to be a part of Bite-Back? And what the fuck do I call you?” I asked.
He looked away from me and shook his head. “Call me Steely. King Herodotus is a fool. Starting a war with Equestria is going to turn my homeland into Tartarus, so he needs to be taken down.”
Something struck me as odd about the way he spoke on the matter, but I couldn’t figure out what. “What’s the biggest thing stopping me from just going in and taking care of business?”
“Magic.” The three of them chorused, though it was Frieda who continued. “The majority of Bite-Back is made up of marked people. The handful of people that we’ve been able to send in tend not to make it out in one piece.”
“... Here’s hoping that I’m better than those guys.”
“It’s hard not to be.” Schrade said bluntly, catching me off guard. “Doctus was dumb, Scheffer was cocky, and Droll Day tried to casually stroll his way in since his Cutie Mark made him hard to notice, but that ended with him losing an arm.”
“And you let them go in solo because…?” I asked. "Were they experienced at least?"
Schrade shrugged. “They weren’t in my unit, or my Kith. To answer your second question, Scheefer was an Infiltrator, but like I said, she was cocky. Droll Day has Magic on his side, so he leans on that a little too hard. You’ll meet more of our team here in a few minutes, but I’ll just explain now that Back-Bite has a structure born from the Gryphonian and Minosian militaries. The main ranks are Division head, Cell Leader, and Lieutenant in descending order, but then you have the higher positions such as Top Dog, Consigliere, Quarter Chief, and Underboss. I’m a Cell Leader myself and Freida is my second Lieutenant out of three.”
“And I’m expendable?” I chuckled.
“At the moment, yes. Everyone’s expendable to a point, Gauche.” Frieda pointed out. “Whether you die or Schrade does, the movement has to keep momentum, so every Lieutenant is trained to be a Cell Leader, every Cell,Leader a Division Head, and every Division Head an Underboss. If you make it past a month, you’ll probably start getting trained to fill my spot.”
Steely chuckled grimly. “Can’t wait til ya die, Free-Free.”
“Bite me, lunkhead.” Frieda scoffed. “Anyway, we’re taking you to meet our admissions guy, Underboss Kerrick, so he can decide whether or not we’re keeping you.”
“Well it’d be a damn shame to make me do all this damn walking for nothing.” I jested lightly, though I didn’t like the idea of being ‘unneeded’. To me, that sounded an awful lot like ‘We’re not gonna show you the way out.’, and that means that my life depended on them needing my skillset more than they needed to keep their circle small and exclusive.
Frieda chuckled. “Gauche, I trust you. People like us? We’ve got a lot in our heart and little of it’s love or compassion for the establishment. Something about you tells me that you’re all too eager to rob the rich, even if you don’t really intend on giving anything to the poor.”
I glared at her, though the shadows of my hood probably prevented her from seeing it. “I rob the rich to give to kids. Orphans always needed the biggest boost, and I never needed all of what I stole. A lot of kids lived through rough winters and lean tides because I know where I came from and I make a Goddamn point of it to never forget what the seventh day of an empty stomach feels like.”
She winked at me. “Call it instinct, but I have a feeling that you’re going to be interesting.”
Schrade chuckled. “If you start courting him, I’m laughing.”
Her pale feathers turned slightly pinkish around her cheeks somehow. “What? I’m not allowed to like a tomcock for his morals?”
Tomcock notwithstanding, I gave her lithe form a good look while she was distracted. Like a lot of Griffins, she seemed to be partial to the tunic and breeches combo with slits in the back for her wings, but her outfit hid a lot of her figure. I’ve never given thought to what kissing a beak would feel like and I wasn’t that eager to find out, but I had to admit that if she was Human, Frieda would probably be a woman I’d visit for more than conversation. By no means am I lecher, nor do I really get all that incensed for sex, but I do find intelligent, dangerous women to be my thing. Frieda was definitely intelligent, and the air of lethality around her was nice, but I couldn’t but shake the feeling that I was cheating on Twilight. The younger woman who felt like Aria before she passed. It was weird. I didn’t feel any sort of infatuation or any kind of smittenness for Princess Twilight, but I just couldn’t get rid of the impression that she’d be a little salty to find out that I was shagging a bird-cat. Cat-bird. Both work, and both sound goofy.
After my little once over, I decided to say, “If you like me for my morals, then I like you for not hitting me or some shit.”
She gave me a weird look. “Why would I hit you?”
“Why would you bring me down here if you weren’t one hundred percent sure I’ll make it out alive? Why would I not kill you and get away clean and kosher when I could? Fate does strange things because people do strange things, and I’d like to think that my morals are some of the strangest out there.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“He’s saying that we’re either leading him to the end of the road or the beginning of something new. Smart fellow.” Schrade answered.
Big Fellow burst out laughing. “A dead man walks towards his grave with no fear! My opinion of you has been worse, Gauche.”
“Would it get any worse if I asked for a piggy-back ride?” I asked flippantly.
He stopped laughing. “Why would you want to ride me like a child?”
“Call it whimsy.” I snickered to myself. “So what are the odds of me walking out of here a member of Bite-Back?”
Schrade snapped his fingers and reality itself fucking cracked and shattered around us, leaving us in a singular room, surrounded on all sides. My blood ran cold and I fingered one of my smoke pellets before he said, “You passed. You cleared the intelligence check.”
“That’s not the only one.” I said with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
He clicked his beak at me. “And the Third Eye sees between the lines.”
“It is amusing that you have chosen such a phrase for our new brother.” A dead, lifeless voice droned over the whispers and chatter surrounding us.
Schrade and Frieda dropped to one knee, but didn’t salute otherwise. “It’s good to hear from you, Underboss Maud.” Schrade said.
A greyish Pony-person stepped forward out of the crowd, and I have to say that she looked like… Well, she was pretty and all, but I remember saying I like dangerous women. There’s such a thing as too dangerous dammit, and the woman in front of me was definitely that. I could see in the placid pools of muted green eyes that she was cold-blooded. I fucking know the eyes of a serial killer when I see them, and she fucking had them unlike anyone I’d ever seen before. Everything from the way she moved to the way she took nearly a full minute to wet her eyes via blinking let me know that I, for one, didn’t stand much of a chance against her, even in an unfair fight. For two, she made my instincts go fucking berserk, and the only reason I even bothered to stay where I was happened to be because I highly doubted that I’d get away from her, even if there were fewer combatants in the room. My heart hammered in my chest as she walked past Frieda and Schrade to stand in front of me; watching her as she watched me in turn. Maud came to a stop about half and arm’s length away from me before putting a single finger on my chest.
“You are Gauche.” Maud said plainly.
“You are Maud.” I replied.
“I am. Why should I let you live?”
“I’m a lot more useful alive than dead. You don’t see many people this cute, right?” I tried.
“... Was that a joke?” She asked, her voice devoid of any sign of approval or disdain.
“... Yes? Humour helps me feel less like your ab-” She placed her finger over my lips.
“Stop talking.” She commanded.
I stopped talking.
The stony Pony removed her finger from my lips. “Your first job starts tonight. You will complete the task by sundown. You will bring the item to me.”
I nodded.
“Speak.”
“We’re clear.” I said wisely.
She didn’t have to reach to brush my hood away, but when she did, there were murmurs around the room until she snapped her fingers. A pin-drop would have been deafening after two seconds. “What are you?”
“Human.”
“Where do Humans live?” Maud interrogated.
“Terra. A different planet as far as I can tell.”
“Bite-Back’s dealings should mean nothing to you.” She said.
“I’m always happy to rob someone who’s stingy about sharing. ”
“I am stingy with my rock collection. Would you steal from me?”
“... If you're an Aristocunt; no. If your rock collection is the first thing you can think of that is precious to you, then I’d rather steal your knickers, no matter how shiny the rocks might be.”
“What are knickers?”
“I don’t know what else to-” She placed a finger over my lips again.
“Warning.” She stared into my eyes for a full minute and a few extra seconds before dropping her finger. “Answer honestly.”
“Knickers are undergarments.”
Much to my surprise, the terrifying creature blushed. “I would rather have you take a rock.”
“I’d rather not steal from allies in the first place.” I replied, struggling to keep my voice level.
“Loyalty is a virtue that you possess. Do not lose it.” She said, the color fading from her cheeks quickly enough. The flat, emotionless expression on her face hadn’t changed so much as a fraction during our exchange, and that scared me about as much as Maud herself scared me overall. I mean, I’ve been practicing for years, yet I still feel a little twitch on occasion.
“Sounds like a quick way to die around these parts.” I said.
She nodded. “It is. Whether you are loyal to the Iron Crown or to Bite-Back, you must maintain fidelity if you intend on living.”
“Here’s hoping I threw my cards in with the right lot.”
Maud nodded again. “Hope as you will.” She grabbed my arm gently yet firmly. “I will lead you to your temporary quarters. Once you have succeeded in your task, you will be moved to a better room.”
“That’s good. Am I going into my mission solo or duo?”
She tilted her head at me. “Bite-Back operates in units of three.”
“... I’d rather go duo or solo, to be honest with you. I understand that you’ll need someone to gauge my skills, but three people to a stealth job is suicidal.” I said uneasily.
Maud patted my cheek none too gently one time. “You will take two others.”
“I’d rather not.” I maintained.
“I will hit you.” She said flatly.
I took a step back and held my hands palm upwards. “Get hit and live or don’t get hit and die. That sounds like what I’m looking at.”
“What makes you think that the operation will take fewer than three people?” Maud challenged neutrally.
“When it comes to breaking and entering, I’m the best I know of. If I’m only being sent in to retrieve one thing instead of casing a place completely, then there’s no need to have so many possible distractions slash targets. Sending too many people in for a job gets people killed, in my experience.”
Maud’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but that was all the warning I needed to throw myself backwards to avoid getting slapped with actual force. I rolled over my shoulder and onto my feet, but she hadn’t moved beside trying to hit me. “You are fast and your intuition seems to be impeccable. You will choose one other to go with you.”
“I choose Frieda. If she’s vouching for me, then she should be the first one to see what I’m made of.” I said, rising to my feet.
“Denied. Choose another.” Maud commanded in the same monotone she’d been speaking in.
“... Schrade?” I tried.
“Denied.”
I looked around the room, but no one would meet my eye. “... I’m not taking a bloody Minotaur with me.”
“Minotaurs do covert operations, not infiltrations. Choose your partner.”
“... Uh… Do you want to come with me?” I asked.
“Gladly.” Maud nodded, walking toward me. She stopped when she was close enough to offer me her hand.
I let her have my hand, but this time I had no warning before I was flipped landing flat on my back as Maud stood over me. “Ow.” I grunted.
“Do not dodge my slaps.”
“Noted.” I let go of her hand, but she didn’t let me get up and started dragging me away like I was a sack of parsnips. Not potatoes; parsnips. “You know I can walk, right?” I informed, trying to get my balance.
“I am aware of this.”
I whirled around on my arse and let her momentum bring me to my feet, though it was pretty shit on my wrist and shoulder. “Can you let me go now?”
“I could.” She said, leading us to a wall of Minotaurs, Griffins, Pony-people, Werewolves, Cat-people, a fucked up looking Griffin or two that I assumed were Hippogriffs, and a Snake-person.
“... Are you going to?”
“No.”
“Mind if I ask why?”
“I do not want to let go yet.”
“Ah… So…” The wall of people parted and let us through to a door that Maud pushed open, not faltering so much as a step as she lead me away from the unit I’d come with. I had to do a little spin to make her grip not feel like it was about to dislocate my shoulder, and after that I was fine. “Do you do this for all the new recruits?”
“I will lead you to your room, then I will show you my geological finds.” She declared.
“I don’t know what geology is.”
“It is the study of rocks. I have my rocktorate.” Maud bragged. I think.
“That’s interesting. How do you get a rocktorate?”
“You study rocks.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “No shit? How do you study a rock?”
She stopped cold in the hallway and stared at me for a good fifteen seconds. “You appeared more intelligent in the Illusory Hall.”
“I’ve just never heard of studying rocks, I guess.” I chuckled.
“Do you have jewelers in your homeland?” Maud asked.
“Fair enough if you consider gems especially shiny rocks, I suppose.”
She nodded curtly. “Do you want to see my rocks?”
“I’ve gotta admit that I’m curious as to what kind of rocks you’d have if jewels are rocks.” I admitted.
Maud turned and started walking again, my hand enveloping hers, even though she was the one leading the so-called charge. “I only collect the rarest of rocks. Jewels are rarely rare enough to reach my standards.”
“So no granite or basalt for you, eh?” I said, thinking of some common shit that I actually knew something about.
“I have a sample of Ambrose Granite.”
“Ah. What’s that one like?”
“I will explain when you can feel the power for yourself.” Maud said, her voice dipping for that one word. It was weird, hearing her break the monotone for a rock.
“Right. So are you just going to show me your rocks, or are you gonna show me your knickers too?” I teased lightly.
She stopped again and faced me. “Do my undergarments interest you more than my rocks?”
“I don’t really know.” I answered honestly.
“Voice your thoughts.” She demanded.
I didn’t really want to say no since she had a good grip on me and I was pretty sure that pulling a knife on her would end worse for me than her any day. “Well, I’m kinda wondering what kind of rocks a woman like you would bother to collect and I’m half expecting all of your delicates to be monochromatic, so…”
Maud’s cheeks pinked up with such a subtlety that it would’ve been harder to make out if she was less greenish-bluish grey and more... Normal grey, I guess. “Your assumptions and ponderings are interesting.”
She started walking again and I had nothing to say to her at the moment, so we walked on in silence for a couple of minutes until we came to a stop down a random hall that I was never going to remember. “So this is me?” I asked.
“Yes. Do you know how to get here?”
“Not a clue, but I’ll figure it out.” I said, eyeing a couple of sketchy looking passersby.
I heard the old wooden door open and was subsequently dragged inside to find that the place looked like it sucked. It had to be maybe eight feet by seven, meaning that there was nothing else in the room. “As I said earlier, your accommodations will be upgraded when you complete your task.”
“Any chance I could sneak into your room and keep you cozy.” I jibed to make myself feel a little better.
“Boulder keeps me cozy.” Maud answered.
“Boulder? Sorry for overstepping, I didn’t know you had someone.” I apologized.
She tilted her head at me. “Boulder is not a person. Boulder is my pet. I will also show you him.”
“Does he have knickers too?” I asked for the Hell of it.
“No.”
“Figured. It’d be stranger if you gave a pet clothes than giving a Noble a pennic.”
“I will assume that a pennic is a form of currency. Have you studied your temporary accommodations sufficiently?”
I shrugged. “It’s dry and not too chilly. It’ll do whenever the Minotaur I showed up with drops my blankets off.”
“Did you steal them or buy them?” Maud asked.
“I bought them with a five finger discount.” I answered.
“... A five finger discount sounds like stealing.”
“I’m a thief. You shouldn’t have even asked.”
She squeezed my hand and waved down one of the fellows who were casually strolling around. “You there. Come here.”
The bright orange Pony hopped to and sprinted over. “Ma’am!”
“Find Steely and lead him here. He will leave Gauche’s belongings here.” Maud stated more so than… Well, anything really.
“Yes Ma’am! I’ll find him as of yesterday!” The Pony woman said all too loudly.
The Maud Nod happened and the other woman fucked off before the grey pony could even lift her head. Once she was gone, Maud started dragging me away again, so I asked, “Do you do this often?”
“No. It has been a year since I have returned to Minosia.”
“Aren’t you the Underboss here? How do you spend so much time away and keep things running?”
“This is not the Quarter Cell that I was assigned to. I have been called in due to urgent matters.” She deadpanned as per her usual.
“Ah, so you’re a cut above then?”
“I am less effective as a leader than as an Operator. My Consigliere manages my business in Equestria well enough that I am freed to roam.” So there are multiple Consiglieres. Interesting.
“So you’re working another mission here? Is it on a need-to-know basis?” I inquired.
“Yes to both.”
“I can understand that. What’s the mission we’re going on?”
“We will speak on the matter once we reach my chambers.”
“Do you have permanent lodgings here, or are there rooms saved for Bite-Back Officials?”
“There are rooms saved for officials. Rarely do all Underbosses come to one country, so there are generally less than eight rooms reserved.” Maud informed helpfully.
“Ah. So how many Underbosses are there exactly,? Do all of the Quarter Chiefs stay in their Quarter Cell?”
“There are ten of us Underbosses in total. To answer your most probably follow-up question, we are chosen because of special talents or skills. One of the Underbosses can Shadowmeald, and another can fly despite not being one of the winged races. As for the Quarter Chiefs, it is pertinent that they do not leave their Quarters unless their Consigliere and one Underboss are there to help maintain order.”
I took in the intel and focused on the important bit. “... So you practice witchcraft.” I said, quite unnerved since I’d thought that the government was the source of the daemonic workings. I'd thought that Schrade was being metaphorical when he'd said that Droll Day had Magic.
“By witchcraft do you mean Black Magic?”
“All Magic comes from daemons. Wiccans and Etherians be damned.” I said firmly.
Maud turned her head slightly and glanced at me. “The only daemons on Equis are in Tartarus or live in hiding. The are the singularly most hated race on the face of the planet due to their tendencies to lean toward Blood, Dark, and Black Magicks.”
“... So not all Magic comes from daemons here?” I asked carefully.
“No Magic comes from Daemons at all. Daemons do not possess any more innate Magic than a Dog or Cat.”
“Dogs and Cats don’t have Magic?”
“They both have some that augments their senses, but none that can be used actively. Daemons possess an aversive aura that drives most races away, but that is the limit of their Magic, and it does not work on those with more Mana than them.”
“So how does one get Magic?” I asked, still not completely sold on Magic not being the work of daemons.
“Through black sacraments and holy infusions if you were not born with it. Neither are likely if you are speaking of gaining Unicorn Magic. There are other neutral Magicks such as Alicorn Magic, Aetherius Magic, or Umbral Magic, but finding a proper sacrament to recieve any of those would most likely take your soul.”
“Unicorn Magic.” I said ponderously, skipping over the soul-selling thing that she'd literally just said didn't happen.
“Unicorn Magic is the quintessential Magic.” Maud droned. “When one thinks of most Magicks, it is generally cast or under the scope of Unicorn Magic. It happens to be the most neutral form of Magic in existence besides Aetherius and Alicorn Magicks.”
“Alright, so what are some things you can do with Unicorn Magic?”
“Restoration, Transmogrification, Destruction, Illusion, some Alchemy, some Artificery, and a few Runic Magicks all fall under Unicorn and Alicorn Magicks.”
“I know what a Unicorn is, but what’s an Alicorn?”
“You truly do not know what an Alicorn is?” Maud asked.
“I’m still trying to get over the fact that I’ve just seen a room full of monsters from myths and legends here, Lover.”
“... What room of monsters?” She asked, her voice unreadable.
“Look, back on Terra, especially in Avalesce, we’ve got tales of Griffins, a single Minotaur, and Werewolves. They were not friendly creatures in those myths and legends.” I explained.
“... What of Ponies? Did you have tales of them?”
“We had ponies. Like, small horses. We had tales of Unicorn and Pegasi, but neither of those existed.” I chuckled, feeling out of my depth for the first time since I’d touched down in Minosia. It was definitely starting to get to me that I was stuck on a foreign planet with no foreseeable way back home. “Still, even though we had ponies, they walked on four hooves and couldn’t talk as far as I know. The only intelligent race on Terra is the Human race, and it’s been that way since history has been history.”
“That sounds peaceful. A world of a single race-”
“Ha! Maud, Lover, there were three wars going on when I got transported here. Araluen was fighting Laspone, Avalese was pitching in to help Fechere and Guerma stomp out the last of the Rotted, which wasn’t an actual country, but still had enough manpower to be a superpower, and the peaceful nation of Tsuka was at war with Denos. Shit was going sideways on Terra.”
“... Why would a world of a single race be fraught with turmoil?” Maud asked, her voice still not indicating whether or not she even gave a fuck about the thing she was asking about.
“Do you even care?” I asked half-heartedly.
“Very much so.” She gave me the Maud Nod.
“Ah. Then it’s for the same shit I assume every country here wants; land and resources. I mean, Denos was claiming some religious bullshit reason and they were crusading on Tsuka for that, but it was still a grab for land and capital.” I elaborated.
Maud hummed for a few seconds. “How odd. One would think that being the same species would give a sense of unity.”
“Not when you can tell where someone’s from based on the color of their hair, eyes, and skin. There’s a little more that goes into it, but people from different countries might as well have been a different sub-species of the same thing, if you know what I’m trying to get at here.”
“I imagine that it would not be dissimilar to the clan warfare between the Pony races or the infighting between Dog breeds.”
“Why say race for Ponies and breed for Dogs?”
“Dogs are a very aristocratic society based on honor, loyalty, and bloodlines. Purebreds get more respect than Mutts. Contrary to what you might think, Mutts are treated with respect by Purebreds as long as they are not branded as disloyal due to the fact that Pure-Breeding can result in unholy abominations that are put to death before their first day is done. Thus Selective Inter-Breeding has become fashionable, and many Dogs look for mates based on appearances and medical history.”
“Uh… That’s actually just weird.” I replied.
“It may seem weird to you and Motherland Equestrians, but it is common knowledge around the rest of the world.”
“Right. So with all these races, I’m assuming that inter-species relations are fine?”
“Not all of the possible pairings are looked upon with favour. Dogs do not wed Cats, Naga do not wed Dragons, Ponies do not wed most races, and Minotaurs are forbidden from so much as laying with another species, regardless of their feelings.” Maud answered.
“... So do Dragons breathe fire here or…?”
“Most breathe fire, though there are Dragons within Bite-Back that exhale frost, acid, or oddly enough, pudding.”
“... There’s a fuckin’ Dragon that breathes pudding.” I deadpanned.
“The flavour changes depending on her mood.”
“You’re fucking with me.” I replied.
“I am not messing with you.”
“... There’s an honest to goodness scaled beast that breathes pudding?"
“No. It was a joke. I was joking.”
“You’re too good at messing with people, Maud.” I chuckled. “I mean, it’s kinda hard to doubt that a Dragon breathes pudding in a world where they actually exist.”
“You did a good job of doubting me. You should be proud.” She said in the most boring voice I’d heard from her yet.
“I’m sensing that you’re teasing me.”
“What would give you that impression?” Maud queried, stopping to open a door she’d lead us to. It was unassuming, so I didn’t think much of it.
“You somehow got even more monotone when you said that.” I groused playfully.
“I speak with plenty of vocal inflection.” She said before huffing lightly.
“Were you trying to huff? It comes off as pretty disingenuine.” I jested.
She walked through the door and continued dragging me in. I looked around while she said, “That was rude.”
I took in the plain stone walls that were considerably less creepy than the acres of bones that lined the walls of the main halls. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the cutest thing I’ve seen since I’ve been here.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere other than in front of my rock collection.”
“You have lovely eyes.” I chuckled. “They remind me of Lake Loch Lago; the way the clear waters had that celadon coloration to them. Not too many people knew where it was.” There’s supposed to be a monster in that lake, but I barely had time to amuse myself with that thought before Maud was in my face.
“That color. Name it again.” She demanded loudly, though still in a single tone.
“... Celadon? It was my favourite Nun’s favourite colour.” I said slowly.
Maud squeezed my hand and laid her free hand on my chest. “I have been searching for someone, anyone, to name that color without aid. I have heard turquoise, green, blue, and hazel, but never celadon. You are the only one in twenty-seven years to correctly name the color of my eyes without lecherous intent.”
“... Do I get a slice of cake or something?” I japed mildly, cracking a little grin.
She patted my chest. “I did not think anyone would know what color my eyes were. This is an odd circumstance.” Maud continued gazing into my eyes, but I couldn’t see beyond the surface; couldn’t judge whether she was going to kill me or fuck me.
I took a deep breath. “So… Are you gonna kiss me or kill me?”
“I will show you many special rocks.” She stated. “Very rare rocks.”
“Fantastic.” I gave her a smile.
She didn’t move.
“... Maud?” I asked, giving her hand a little squeeze just in case she was lost in the Heavens or the Wild Blue Yonder. “Are we gonna look at rocks or…?”
“We will look at rocks.” She said.
She still didn’t move.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I gave her a peck on the cheek to see if she’d let me. Short story even shorter, she did, though she smelled like chocolate and marshmallows. Her face turned rosy and she Maud Nodded before turning away and leading me over to a series of glass cases that held a lot of different rocks that, for the most part, all looked different. The details of what all she said about those rocks doesn’t really bear repeating unless you find yourself with a knife at your throat and geology is the only way you’re going to get out alive. It was interesting to see Maud get so relatively excited over something so mundane as granite that was blue instead of orange, but other than that, I would’ve had more fun looking through her undies, as awkward as that would have been.