//------------------------------// // Chapter One // Story: Praise Patches // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Spike yawned and rubbed at his sleepy eyes.“Usually the mail mare doesn’t come this early,” he murmured.A moment later he heard again the polite tapping knock at the Castle’s front entrance.The baby dragon opened the door just a crack.There in front of him stood a young, six foot tall dragon.The drake was garbed in leather armor that had been battle tested.Around the drake’s neck was a talisman made up of a wrench flanked by two tiny red balls. In his right hand the stranger carried a shillelagh, and in his left he gripped a large tome bursting with sheaves of paper.The newcomer beamed down at Spike.“Good morning, Brother.” The smaller dragon blinked and squinted up into the darkness at the strange visitor.“What?” “I said good morning, Brother.It is a beautiful day in Patches’s Country.” “Uh, I guess so.What can I do for you?” “Well Bro--" “Call me Spike.” “Well, Brother Spike, I am the Green Leper.I am the herald of the greatest being that has ever thrown a dodgeball.I am, of course, speaking of Patches O’Houlihan.Praise be unto him.”The taller dragon bowed his head in reverence.The Green Leper looked at Spike and asked, “May I come in so that I may enlighten the denizens of this castle about the Great Wrench Chucker?” Still groggy from sleep, Spike considered slamming the door in the herald’s face.There were two reasons that stopped him from doing just that.The first, this was the most polite dragon he had ever encountered.Even Ember wasn’t this well mannered.The second reason was that Twilight would find out that he had turned away a potential friend and guest.She had a knack for finding these friendship things out.So, fighting back a loud sigh, Spike nodded. When the guest entered the castle, Spike gagged and threw up a little in his mouth.“Sweet Heavenly Celestia.What is that smell?” The Green Leper smiled. “Oh, that’s probably me.The Great Paraplegic one does not bathe and drinks his own urine.” “Why?” croaked Spike “It’s sterile, and he likes the taste.And I must admit, the stuff does grow on you after a few weeks.” “What have I done?” thought Spike. ************************** “Twilight, Twilight wake up.” The alicorn groaned and slowly opened her eyes.“Spike, what’s wrong?What time is it?” “You gotta help me,” pleaded the baby dragon.“I let this other dragon in the castle.He calls himself the Green Leper.He smells terrible, and he keeps going on and on about this weird Patches O’Houlihan guy.I can’t take it anymore.None of what he’s saying is making any sense.Please make him leave.”The words tumbled out of her assistant’s mouth faster than Rainbow Dash could drink cider. Twilight was silent for a moment before asking, “Patches O’ who?” “O’Houlihan.Come on, at least talk to this guy so I don’t have to.” “Alright, alright, tell him I’ll be right there.” ************************** A few minutes later, Twilight and Spike entered the main study of her castle.There, like her assistant had said, was the Green Leper.The emerald-scaled drake was pouring over several pieces of parchment and muttering to himself about Hookers and Average Joes.So enraptured was the taller dragon that he did not hear the pony or younger drake enter. Twilight cleared her throat. The drake raised his head and beamed at the Princess.“Ah, Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle, good morning. May Patches smile his crooked, black smile down upon you this day.” The alicorn returned the smile hesitantly.“Uh, thanks.You too, I guess.”Twilight approached the newcomer and stopped dead in her tracks.The stench coming from the green dragon was overpowering.Her eyes began to water and burn. The Green Leper saw the tears forming in the pony’s eyes.“You feel it now, don’t you?” “Feel what?” asked Twilight as she wiped her face. “Don’t hide your emotions, Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle.The Spirit of Patches O’Houlihan has come upon you and thou art filled with emotions that thou hast yet to understand.I did not expect the wheel-bound master to move so swiftly.Oh, curse my doubting heart.I am not worthy to dodge the next wrench life throws at me.” With Spike’s help, Twilight sat down at the table.“I’ll make you some coffee and get us some clothes pins,” the baby dragon said over his shoulder as he left the room. “Spike!” the alicorn said indignantly. “I’m sorry about him.” The older dragon chuckled.“It’s alright, Sister Princess Twilight. That is how I received my ball name.” Twilight blinked away the worst of the mustard-like gas.“I’m not sure I understand.” “Being the herald of a god, you are not always well-received in some communities.I am the first member of the Orthodox Church of Patches, and it is my duty to spread the great one’s teachings.I have spoken the word of Patches to the dragons of my home, but . . . things did not go as hoped.The name ‘Green Leper’ I do not believe was given to me out of respect.Dragons treat me as though I have that unfortunate skin disease and want nothing to do with me.They have yet to accept the Dodge Ball deity into their lives and mock his message, messenger, and teachings.But blessed are those who bring word of the cosmic game, for they shall be known as Holy Joes.‘Green Leper’ is a name I value above all others.” The alicorn frowned, “Dodge ball deity?Orthodox Church of Patches?” “Yes.”The green drake rifled through the papers on the table until he found the document he was looking for.He handed Twilight a scroll that depicted a crude drawing of an old leprechaun wearing a leather jacket bound to a wheelchair with both his middle fingers raised in salute.Underneath the rude sketch were the words ‘The Five Pillars of the Cosmic Game.Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.’ Twilight frowned, a million questions running through her brain.“Why is dodge written twice?” “I shall quote the Book of Patches,” declared the Green Leper.He grabbed a different piece of parchment and glanced at the alicorn sheepishly.“The Book of Patches is still a work in progress.”The drake cleared his throat.‘“Now listen up you queers.There are Five D’s in Dodge Ball; dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.If you’re too damn stupid to remember these five things, just remember to Dodge. Without dodge you don’t have dick, and you might as well suck on one if you play and don’t dodge.Dodge is the alpha and the omega in the cosmic game of dodge ball.If you can master the art of the dodge, the rest of the D’s are easier than a twenty-dollar hooker at Mardi Gras.”The dragon then bowed his head and murmured, “The word of Patches for the ponies of Patches.Praise be to Patches.”When the drake glanced at the Princess, he was surprised to see a horrified look on her face.“Is something wrong, Sister Princess?” Twilight wanted to scream at her guest.She wanted to know what kind of nonsense this dragon was pedaling. The alicorn was very thankful Spike hadn’t heard any of the reading.The Princess bit back her initial scathing question and instead said, “Uh, that’s . . . different.Tell me more about Patches.Where did he come from?” The Green Leper blinked.“Interesting, most of the time the other dragons throw me out of their homes at this point in my teachings.” The Princess fought not to roll her eyes.It was not hard for her to imagine why most sane dragons had asked this zealot to leave.She glanced up to see her assistant bring the promised items.She accepted the coffee with a smile and declined the clothes pin with a glare. “Fourteen years ago Patches O’Houlihan came to this realm.I found him underneath a strange sign that depicted a grinning face, a rainbow, a pot of gold, and the words ‘The Luck of the Irish Bar and Grill.’ Spike was about to leave the room again, but when he heard these words he slowly turned around. “What the h---“ “How did he end up there?” asked the alicorn. The older dragon bit his lower lip and looked down at his feet.“Honestly, I’m not sure. He did tell me this though.'Son, I have no idea where I am, how I got here, what you are, or why I can shit pots of gold and fly around like that blue, pajama-wearing faggot with an ‘S’ on his tits.But I can say this.That sign killed me, and I was spared from hell-fire for one reason.To teach the cosmic game of Dodge Ball.’” As soon as Twilight figured out that her guest was quoting Patches again, she plugged Spike’s ears with her magic. “Hey!” Spike yelled indignantly. “Green Leper, could you please not use such language in my home?I don’t want Spike to learn anymore bad words.” “My apologies, Sister Princess Twilight, but my father has always been a rather coarse individual.” “Be that as it may, that doesn’t excuse . . . .”Twilight paused, releasing her magical grip on Spike.“Wait, this Patches O’Houlihan is your dad?” The older dragon nodded.“I never knew my real father or mother.Before Father Patches adopted me, I was one of Dragonlord Torch’s wards.The day I found the Master of All Things Dodgeball, I had run away from Torch’s court.Those other dragons never really treated me with a lot of respect, and they made fun of me when I suggested that we play other sports that didn’t involve throwing rocks and wrestling.” “I can understand that,” chimed Spike. “Once I freed Patches, I was surprised to find he had no injuries . . . other than he couldn’t walk.He regaled me about this place called Earth.He told me how he was a coach going from town to town teaching the game of games.How he was wounded and lost the use of his legs in battle at a place called Nam.And how when he was old, he led a squad of Average Joes to vanquish a team of Purple Cobras at a place called Vegas.How he spoke beyond the grave to the team captain during the round of sudden death.And finally, when his soul was about to perish in Hell, God intervened and told him to put together another squad of Joes.” The green dragon’s voice grew more passionate with each sentence until he was nearly shouting. Spike and Twilight exchanged a nervous glance.It might have been the Princess’s imagination, but the room seemed to have gotten darker, and every sound was amplified. “For at the end of all things, good and evil will meet for one final, ultimate game of dodgeball for the fate of the universe.” The candles on the table went out when a great gust of wind burst through the shutters of a nearby window. Spike jumped five feet in the air and hid behind the pony.“W-When is this game supposed to happen?” The older drake fixed his younger cousin with a penetrating stare.“Nopony in this realm knows the season or the field upon which the cosmic game will be played.But the King of Wrenches shall reveal himself to the captain of his team when his name is spoken in front of a mirror three times by a true believer of his word.” The wind calmed and dissipated when the older dragon finished speaking.Twilight took note of this and shook her head.Surely he had not conjured those breezes on his own.He was just a crazy dragon.The lack of sleep was really starting to get to her.“So what do you want from us?”she asked crankily.“Do you want us to speak Patches’s name into a mirror three times?Is that it?” “Well, if you don’t mind, it would certainly be appreciated.”The Green Leper looked out the window and stared at Ponyville.“I have been looking for the team captain for several years.Once he or she is found, my quest will be at an end.For you see, when the great O’Houlihan adopted me, he gave me my purpose. I am not only the blessed green one’s herald, but also his scouting agent and holy bench warmer for the coming cosmic game.” Leaning over to whisper to her assistant, the alicorn said, “Spike, go find a mirror.The sooner we play his game the sooner he leaves.” “Uh, right,” Spike replied uncertainly. Less than a minute later, the little dragon returned with a small hand mirror.Using her magic the Princess levitated the looking glass and eyed her own reflection.“So, what do I say?” The Green Leper was tittering.“Just say ‘Patches O’Houlihan’ three times.I’m sorry, but I’m just so very excited.Just imagine if the Princess of Friendship is the captain of the Great One’s team.” Twilight looked at older dragon and back to the mirror.A growing concern had taken root in her heart.What if this was some sort of ploy to release some monster into the realm?Granted she had no clue how a creature could be released from a normal, non-magical, mirror.But when one deals with magic . . . .Steeling herself, Twilight gazed at herself and repeated the name Patches O’Houlihan three times. Twilight, Spike, and the Green Leper waited with bated breath for several seconds.Spike was the first to break the silence. “Is he here?” “He’s not in the mirror,” replied the Princess. The older dragon shook his head in disappointment.“No, he’s not here.I’m sorry, Sister Princess Twilight.But it appears you are not to be the team captain.” The alicorn breathed a sigh of relief.“Well darn.I guess that’s it then.” As soon as Twilight gave the mirror back to Spike, the baby dragon asked slowly.“Uh, Twilight.Should I try?” The Green Leper frowned.“Brother Spike, I’ve asked many a drake and wyrm to look into a mirror and repeat the holy one’s name.None have succeeded in summoning Patches.But, I can see you are not like other dragons.I can see it in your heart that you believe.It would gladden me to no end if it would be my father’s wish for the captain to be a dragon.” The Princess laughed.“If you want to try, go ahead.Just don’t be too disappointed.” Steeling himself, Spike looked into the eyes of his own reflection and called out the Leprechaun god’s name three times with power and authority. For exactly six seconds nothing happened.Twilight began to speak, but as soon as the words began to form, a voice from the mirror said, “Oh, my sweet dick, please tell me you’re not the one who spoke my name just now?” Recoiling in fright, Spike dropped the mirror.Twilight enveloped the mirror with her magic just before it could shatter on the ground.Both dragons ran over to the pony, and all three gazed down in wonder at the old, crippled leprechaun scowling back at them.The weathered ancient face turned to look at his herald. “Son, did you really just tell a sawed-off, tit-sucking hoarder whore to summon me?” “Yes, father. He wanted to try.” “And if a fu#$ing orangutan wanted to try and bite your face off, would you encourage it?Jesus, Mary, and Macintosh! What the hell were you thinking, boy?” “Enough!”shouted Twilight.The pony had placed both her hooves over Spike’s ears.“What’s going on?Are you Patches?” “Damn skippy.And who the hell are you?” “Father, please. This is Sister Princess Twilight Sparkle.The Princess of Friendship.” The leprechaun was quiet for a few moments.“Well, shit. And apparently she ain’t a believer.Is she?” “No, father.” “Did you show her the five D’s?” “Yes, father.” “Did you tell her about the cosmic game and the end of all things if our team loses?” “Yes, father.” “And for some reason you thought it was a good idea to tell a child all this crap and give him a mirror?What the hell did you think would happen?Kids are little retards that believe whatever you tell them.I need a captain, not a F*#k trophy.” “I’m sorry, father.But Spike is very intelligent for his age.And if the stories are true, he’s saved the Crystal Empire and helped save Equestria itself many times.” The old leprechaun sagged in his wheel chair and rubbed his eyes.“We’re doomed.” Letting go of Spike’s head, Twilight’s horn glowed menacingly.“If somepony doesn’t tell me right now what’s going on, I’ll banish the two of you.” Patches rolled his eyes. “Whatever.What’s done is done.The bed is made and we gotta bone whatever’s in there.I’ll be over in a dick flick.” And with that O’Houlihan’s image vanished, and there was a loud thumping on Twilight’s front door.“Nasty Gram!” yelled the old familiar voice of the dodgeball master from the other side.