‘At last!’ said Tirek once the DAGs had released him. He rubbed his wrists, wincing. ‘What took you so long? What do you want from me?’
‘The pleasure of watching you die a slow, painful death,’ said Celestia as she plunged into T-Kam. She frowned at her gown, which was flickering.
‘Projector not working, is it?’ asked Tirek. Celestia did not respond. Cadence and Luna appeared abruptly.
‘It’s done,’ said Cadence. ‘I’ve sent the bottles into storage.’
‘What bottles?’ snapped Tirek. ‘What is this? What are you planning to do to me?’
Cadence glanced awkwardly at Celestia. ‘Are you – are you sure you want to go through with this?’
‘In the old days,’ began Celestia, ‘when King Sombra held power in the north, he would torture ponies into madness – there was no reason for it, no justification beyond enjoyment. It was his idea of fun.
‘Nevertheless, on occasion Sombra came across a pony suspected of possessing important information. For such cases he reserved something special. There is a long-forgotten beverage, a remnant of a bygone era, one so horribly overwhelming that its creator spontaneously drowned herself in a barrel of the stuff. Know what it’s called?’
Tirek gulped and said, ‘Dishwasher suds?’
‘Granny Fanny’s Cold-Fire Brewed Filly-Delphian Tonic Water,’ said Celestia.
Tirek raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘Seriously?’ Luna fell to the floor again.
‘Aha!’ she cackled. ‘Aha ha! Aha haha! Tonic water! Torture via tonic water! The idea!’
‘Granny Fanny’s tonic,’ continued Celestia as though there had been no interruption, ‘is, without a doubt, lethal. When Cadence reclaimed her throne, she locked up Sombra’s supply for good. But you will drink it, Tirek. One tankard a day, every day. Think of this as an experiment – your contribution to Equestrian science. We shall ascertain the truth about this substance – exactly what it does and how effectively it kills.’
‘Tonic water!’ cried Luna, still laughing herself hoarse. ‘Sister, stop it! It’s just too much!’
Celestia swelled. ‘You doubt its power, Luna? How ignorant! You were not there when Cadence and I witnessed first-hand its destructive capabilities!’
Cadence nodded sincerely. ‘It was something all right.’
Tirek was biting his talons, but Luna looked unconvinced. She picked herself up, hiccoughing.
‘You’re losing it,’ she said. ‘Don’t look so worried! It’s tonic water! Tonic water. What’s the worst that could happen?’
‘I intend to find out,’ said Celestia, grinning nastily. ‘DAGs! Bring up a bottle!’
The DAG nearest Tirek placed its snout on his FoodRock and blew one out of storage, along with a worn wooden tankard.
‘Pour,’ commanded Celestia. The DAG obeyed. The sparkling yellow liquid trickled into the vessel. Tirek sank to his knees.
‘Please,’ he whispered. ‘I beg you.’
‘You see?’ Celestia smirked. ‘I told you he would.’
‘Drink it,’ said Luna at once. Cadence goggled at her, and so did Tirek.
‘Drink it?’ he repeated.
‘Come on.’ Luna rolled her eyes. ‘We all know my sister’s bluffing.’
No one spoke.
‘No?’ Luna sighed. ‘All right, then. Give it here. Put it back into storage. Send it up to my system.’
‘Are you mad?’ asked Cadence.
‘Not at all,’ said Luna briskly. ‘Merely calling the –’
Tirek downed the tankard in one and smacked his lips. Celestia held her breath. Cadence held her breath. Luna frowned. Tirek belched.
‘My word,’ he breathed. ‘It’s – it’s –’
‘Poison?’ suggested Cadence.
‘Painful?’ said Celestia.
‘Nutty?’ added Luna.
‘It’s – delicious!’ Tirek raised the tankard high. ‘Ladies! Ladies, I thank you! This tonic tastes sublime!’
Celestia rubbed her temples. ‘He likes the tonic water.’
‘Told you!’ said Luna. ‘Told you it was safe!’
‘Safe? Safe? You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Celestia glared at her sister. ‘This is not over. Tirek, tomorrow you drink another tankard!’
‘He can drink as many as you want him to,’ said Luna. ‘The stuff is harmless!’
‘How can you be so sure?’ asked Cadence.
‘Because it is,’ said Luna. ‘It just is.’
‘Prove it,’ hissed Celestia.
‘All right, then, I will.’ Luna licked her lips. ‘What say we have a little flutter, Sister mine? A bet. No matter how long you force him to drink that tonic, he won’t die because of it.’
‘The stakes?’ asked Celestia.
Luna shrugged. ‘You decide.’
‘How about this? If after one year of drinking tonic Tirek is still alive, I will sign rule of the kingdom over to you.’
Cadence’s jaw dropped, and so did Tirek’s. Luna clenched hers. ‘You’re that confident, huh?’
‘Supremely confident, Luna, as always.’
‘And if I lose?’
‘Simple.’ Celestia smiled. ‘You will spend the next year writing a biography of the pony who invented rubber bands.’
Tirek, who had been watching the exchange with interest, spluttered with laughter.
‘What can I say?’ Celestia shrugged. ‘I’m curious. And when I win, I shall finally be able to read that book – even if it is clumsily drafted by my own sister.’
‘Deal?’ said Luna, holding out a hoof.
‘Deal,’ said Celestia, holding out hers. They passed through each other. Tirek looked at each princess in turn, then burst out laughing.