"Just spray these into the corners of your house! Like a cat!" Derpy Hooves grinned, eyes rotating as she guided the elderly patron towards the exit of her shop. "A male cat! Made out of potpourri and giggles!" She tittered girlishly.
"Mrmmmfff..." A surly quadrupedal specimen with a fiery-orange toupe scrunched his already wrinkled muzzle. "You sure that this 'extract of hydra and lavender' paste will make the house smell better?" His nostrils flared. "Matilda's been complaining about the old musk of the cabin ever since she moved in. Grffff... I think the previous tenants were skunks. Or maybe they were just born in raised in Fillydelphia..."
"I promise this will drive the funky-gunky away!" Derpy patted his flank, grinning towards the walls. "Soon you and your beloved will be stinky-free, Cranky Doodle Diaper!"
"It's Donkey," he huffed.
"Oooh! I love maiden names! So dainty!" She giggled again. "Thanks for shopping with us, Mister!"
"Pffft! There's only one of you here, Miss Hooves."
"Says you!" She stuck her tongue out playfully. "Takes an army to keep the world from spinning! I swear!"
"Heh... you're one in a million, lady." Cranky marched out the door with his bag of purchase. "Never change."
"Spoken like a true Diaper!" She waved, teeth glinting. "Byeeeeeeeeeee!"
Before the door had a chance to swing completely shut, a yellow-orange hoof propped it open. Flash Sentry stood in the entrance, panting for breath in the dim light of a setting sun.
"H-hey there, Miss Hooves!" He swiped the sweat from his brow and relaxed his sore wings. "Whew! I'm sure glad we got here before closing time!"
"Wait!" Derpy squatted low, tail flicking like a domestic cat spotting a laser pointer. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait. I know that voice..."
"I would hope so."
She held one hoof over her left eye while her right eye circled the entrance. "Wait for it." She licked her lips. The eye spun closer and closer. "Wait for itttttt—" At last, her wandering eye landed on Flash's face. "Ah! Mr. Bard! What a pleasant surprise! This evening just got bouncier!"
"Heeeeeey..." Flash grinned. "You remember me?"
"Of course I do!" She motioned him inside the crowded shop chock full of second-hoof wares. "You're still alive?"
"Eeyup!"
"Then the flying lessons didn't kill you! Yipeeee!" She tried to wink; her left eye merely danced above a smug grin. "Guess you won't be needing a refund, huh?"
"Hahahahaha—!"
"Heeheehee!"
"Hahaha... ahem..." Flash Sentry closed the door behind him. "Look, I know it's late, but I came here to make a proposition—"
"A proposition?" Derpy blushed slightly. "Oh, I dunno, Mr. Bard. I must confess that I gave up my seat with the clergy years ago."
His muzzle scrunched. "Huh?"
Her muzzle scrunched. "What?"
Thwappp! The closing door slammed against an approaching stallion's nose. "Augh!" Soarin's voice grunted outside. "Son of a minotaur!"
"Whoops!" Flash spun around and swung the door back open with his wingtips. "S-sorry, bro! I thought you were further behind me!"
"Grnnngh..." Soarin stumbled in, rubbing his aching, fuzzy nose. "You only fly faster than me c-cuz I let you."
"Bro..."
"Ooooh!" Derpy Hooves smiled pleasantly. "Suddenly it's a party!" She curtsied before the stallion. "Hello and good morning! Derpy Hooves, at your service!"
"Don't you mean 'good...'" Soarin lowered his hoof, staring ahead. His muzzle locked into place in mid-utterance, and his handsome eyes went wide. Ears folded back and a tail flicked until it was dead straight like a bloodhound's behind his frozen haunches. "'...evening?'" He exhaled the entire breadth of his being beyond an astonished expression.
Derpy stifled a girlish laugh. Lanternlight caught the subtle shine of her gray coat, and her mane twinkled like gold as she tossed it lithely over her supple neck. "No relationship to the great pop singer Groovin' Hooves," she ritualistically continued. She sang... her voice like bells dipped in honey. "Heeheehee..." Seraphim giggles. Eyes that rolled to a stand-still, balancing the delicate world upon the precipice of her next goddess-like breath. "...I hate it when random ponies trot on pins and needles around me."
"... ... ..." Soarin gazed at her... through her. Shadows formed in the lanternlight, most likely caused by the majestic wings of an albatross stretching majestically outward from both sides of the stallion. "Pins... and needles..."
"Mmmhmm! That's right!" Again, more heavenly giggles. "Heeheehee!"
Flash Sentry blinked. He stared at Soarin. He looked at Derpy. He returned to staring at Soarin. "Soooooo... uhm..." A crooked, knowing smile—and he faced Derpy again. "This here is my good friend! Lead wingpony of the Wonderbolts, second in command to Spitfire!"
"Oooooh!" Derpy grinned sideways. "Sounds important! And shiny!"
"Why don't you introduce yourself, dude?"
"Hiiiiiiiii..." Soarin extended a shaky hoof out. "I'm blonde." He winced. "I-I mean...!" He cracked a grin. "You're very blonde! I MEAN—" He grimaced, starting to shake all over. "I... uhm... uhhh... h-holyyyy cow..."
Flash slyly grinned at Derpy Hooves. "His name's Soarin."
"OoooOoooh!" Derpy Hooves smiled. "Like the old philosopher!"
"Philosopher?"
"Yeah!" Derpy tried to wink again. "Ever read Filly and Trembling? It's a classic!"
"Wow! You're into classics!" Flash swung his grin towards Soarin. "You hear that, dude? She's into classics!"
"That's... so awesome..." Soarin smiled dumbly. "I-I'm afraid I've never been much for reading bubbles—" He winced, his eyes immediately darting away from her flank. "I-I mean books! I was just... what I meant was—"
"Heehee!" Derpy covered her muzzle with a dainty hoof. "Your friend's pretty cute for a Watergate wingpony!"
"Mmmmmmmmm..." Soarin teetered drunkenly. "Nopony's paid me a better compliment."
"If you say so!"
"Is this shop yours?"
"Yup yup yup!" Derpy nodded. "At least when it's not on fire! Then it belongs to the insurance company!"
"It's... so... beautifulllllll—" Soarin leaned forward.
"Aaaaaanyways..." Flash pushed him back on his haunches and stepped towards Derpy. "My... tipsy friend and I here are in a bit of a dilemma."
"Oh noes!" Derpy winced. "Not dilemmas! My aunt's kidneys went through a dilemma once and it was not fun!"
"Right, and neither is the situation we're in. However..." Flash smirked. "With some help from our best buds—we just might be able to flip the scenario over on its head! It's for the good of Equestria... and it involves some key talent in key areas and—"
"Is this the 'proposition' that you were talking about, Mr. Bard?"
"Uhhhhhhh... yeah?"
"Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm a very busy mare."
"Awwwwwwwww..." Flash's ears drooped. "Just how busy?"
"Oh, you know how it is." While speaking, she trotted behind her counter and cleaned up her workspace, putting tools and trinkets away. "Trying to run a pawn shop and a flight school and a muffin baking enterprise on the side..."
"Wowwwww..." Soarin was ever so close to drooling. "You sound soooooooooo talented—" A blue tail whapped him in the face. "Guh!"
Flash flicked his hairs back and glanced Derpy's way. "I take it you're totally booked then."
"I'm afraid so."
"Well... that's too bad..."
"Unless, of course..." Derpy smiled as she dusted her back counter. "...somepony was to spontaneously request my college major services as a party decorator in order to salvage a super important celebration at a neighboring kingdom that's being incorporated into the Equestrian Union immediately following some nebulously orchestrated trade negotiations!" She shrugged, stifling a yawn. "I mean, if that happened, I'd drop everything I was doing! But... heh... life's just too predictably dull, isn't it? Such a shame..."
Flash Sentry blinked. Hard.
Soarin leaned in, practically vibrating. "Dude... two questions. One—how far did she fall from heaven? Two—am I dreaming?"
"Shhhhhh!" Flash hissed back. "Don't ruin it!"
Soarin cooed. "How can anything possibly ruin—?"
"Gawd... sit on cupid's arrow and rotate, ya melon fudge," Flash shoved him aside, nevertheless smirking. "Though—in your case—it'd probably make you sober. Hah..."
Derpy looked over her shoulder. "Huh? What were we talking about again?"
"Ahem..." Flash leaned forward with a smile. "Miss Hooves, do you believe in coincidences?"
"Sure thing, Mr. Bard!" She smirked. "I just don't trust them."
"Spoken like a true Cardassian." Flash gestured. "How'd you like to go on a business trip?"
"Wuh oh. Business trip?" She fidgeted, pouting slightly. "Maybe now's an awkward time for a confession."
"Spill it."
"I'm... kind of a clumsy pony." She shrugged, then tossed her feather duster wildly over her head. It landed neatly atop a lantern and—Fwooomf!—instantly caught fire. Breeeee-eeeee-eeeee! The fire alarm went off, and the shop's sprinkler system began saturating the store with mildew-smelling tap water. "... ... ....I don't know if you've ever noticed."
"Pfffft..." Flash spat through the cold shower rivuleting over his face. "Well, how would you feel about a trip to the Crystal Empire? To oversee decorations for a big Gala Event?"
"OoooOoooOoooh... I think I've heard of that place!" Derpy slicked her sopping wet mane back and sputtered in the indoor rain. "What's it like?"
"Well, it's a big shiny kingdom..." Flash's teeth showed beneath a slightly grimacing muzzle. "...with fragile... crystal buildings..." He squirmed slightly in the puddles forming on the tile floor beneath him. "... ... ...and just as fragile equines made of living glass."
"Oh, wow!" Derpy tossed her hooves, inadvertently knocking a basket full of lightbulbs off the counter and shattering them across the floor. "Sounds like fun! I'm in!"
"Cool...!" Flash grinned... twitching slightly. "...I think."
"Let me just go grab my stuff—" Derpy turned around and began trotting. "Ow ow ow ow ow!" She winced, fighting tears as she limped her way towards the backroom. "Heehee... silly glass! Wow... I think my stockroom spun a leak!"
There was a series of splashing sounds from the room beyond as Derpy adorably rummaged around.
Flash slicked his wet mane back and shuddered. "Everything's worked so far, Flash... this can too... right?" A gulp, and he glanced at the sprinklers overhead. "Karma. It's... all about karma..."
"Flash... I-I think I have a confession of my own to make..." Soarin stammered. He shook his wet wingfeathers, forming rainbows in the lanternlight that matched his sparkling eyes. "I... think I'm in love."
Flash slapped him upside the skull. Whap! "Is Jim Carrey Canadian?!?!"