“What in the world is that?” the Doctor asked, staring up at the massive crystalline structure before him.
Ditzy landed neatly next to him. She followed his gaze and winced. “Ah. Yeah. That’s the Castle of Friendship. I know, it’s kind of an eyesore. Princess Twilight’s been trying to get it properly remodeled for years, but…”
The Doctor kept staring. “It looks like some kind of tree.”
“Yeah. Long story.”
As the couple stared up at the castle, two foals were staring at them from the bushes. Dinky poked Rumble in the side. “Give me the binoculars,” she hissed.
“No way, I just got them!”
The unicorn glared at her friend. “That is my mom out there, as well as the creature that fathered me. Give.”
The pegasus sighed and hoofed Dinky the device. She held them to her eyes, glaring at the couple. “Look at him,” she hissed.
“With what?” Rumble snarked back. The unicorn glared at him, but he didn’t flinch.
“He’s trying to seduce her!” the filly finally exploded.
The pegasus squinted at the adults. “I think they’re just talking.”
“Yes, but talking about what?”
Rumble studied the couple for a little longer. “Probably Twilight,” he decided.
“Or,” Dinky said fiercely, “Maybe they’re plotting a way to take over the world for the aliens!”
Rumble glanced at his friend. “I can’t really see your mom doing that.”
“Well, I can’t see her marrying a space pony!”
The pegasus sighed, and sat back in the bush as Dinky peered at her parents through her binoculars. “They’re on the move,” she hissed. “To position Delta!”
“Where?”
The unicorn filly gave an impatient sigh. “My front garden. The blue box. Come on!”
Rumble made to get up, but tumbled backwards. “I think my wing is caught,” he said, but his friend had already raced off. Shaking his head, the colt sat back to disentangle the brambles from his feathers.
***
“And this,” Ditzy said, gesturing grandly, “is Sweet Apple Acres.”
The Doctor glanced around. “I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that this is where Applejack works,” he said.
“Yup! She lives up at that farmhouse over there with her grandmother, her brother, and her little sis— Oh, hello, Apple Bloom!”
The filly straightened up in surprise. “Oh! Um, hi, Miss Ditzy. Hi, Doc— pony I’ve never met before.”
Ditzy gave the filly a sidelong glance, but the Doctor appeared not to have noticed the slip. “Hello, young filly. What’re you up to, then?”
“Uh, Ah’m tryin’ t’ get my cutie mark in… hidin’. Yep. We’re all playin’ hide’n’seek.” She glanced back at her flank. It was still devoid of any mark for hiding or spying— or, for that matter, clever lying. “Guess not.”
She looked up at the Doctor, suddenly seeing an opportunity for gathering information. “Say, mister! What’s your cutie mark mean?”
The tan stallion paused. He glanced back at his flank, frowning. “I have no idea,” he admitted. “Probably something about arriving in the nick of time. Or keeping good time.” He brightened. “Oh! Maybe it’s for having a good time! That’d be nice!”
Apple Bloom frowned. “Ya mean y’don’t know?”
“Nope! No clue. Never really mattered much to me anyway.” He squinted. “Though, I think it might be steadily running out of sand as I get older. Huh.”
“Well, we’d better be going on our tour,” Ditzy said quickly. “See you later, Bloom!”
After the two had left, Scootaloo poked her head out from behind a tree. “Hiding cutie mark? Really?”
Apple Bloom made a face. “Ah didn’t have much time, so sue me. Anyhow, did ya hear that? He don’t know what his own cutie mark means!”
“That is weird,” Scootaloo agreed. “Come on. Let’s go meet the others.”
***
Rumble trudged into the garden, his expression black and his wings full of leaves. The other five glanced up as he walked through the gate. “Sorry. Got stuck in a bush,” he said shortly, giving a sharp look toward a certain lilac unicorn. “What’s new?”
The rest of the Crusaders glanced at each other, and then they all started talking at once, interrupting and interjecting and shouting over one another, trying to share what they had learned. Rumble stared blankly. “So. Basically, we know nothing,” he said.
There was a long awkward silence. “Yeah,” said Scootaloo.
The colt nodded. “Right. Anyone get an espionage cutie mark?”
There was a rather more intense silence as the assembled turned to look at their own flanks. The general consensus was that none of them were meant to be spies. “But that’s okay,” Sweetie Belle added brightly. “I mean, if spies had spying cutie marks, everypony would know they were spies!”
“What if they’re invisible cutie marks?” Button wondered. “Like, hiding or something.”
Sweetie gasped. "You're right! Maybe they're invisible ink cutie marks, and we have to hold them to a candle--"
"I'm gonna stop you right there," Rumble said. "We aren't allowed near open flame anymore, remember?"
Everypony shuddered at the memory. That had been the first and last Guy Fetlocks day that Ponyville had ever celebrated.
“Well, this was pointless,” Apple Bloom sighed. “We ain’t got cutie marks, and we don’t know any more ‘bout Dinky’s da--”
“Not my dad,” Dinky growled.
“Well, there’s one place we haven’t looked,” Rumble said thoughtfully.
The others followed his gaze up to the big blue box...
***
The Doctor had been alive for many centuries, exploring the furthest reaches of space and time. He had seen beautiful vistas that would make even the hardest-hearted of cynics weep with joy, ancient horrors that devoured world and decimated cultures, seen fake gods, bad gods, demigods, would-be gods, but he had never before seen a TARDIS control room coated in… was that tree sap? “What?!”
The console, new just a few hours ago, was smoking and spitting sparks. “What?!”
The setup of the entire room was flickering, visions of previous desktop settings fading in and out of existence, which should have been completely impossible. “What?!”
Six sheepish-looking foals, equally coated in tree sap, stood in a corner of the console room. Ditzy, looking around at the carnage, merely rolled her eyes. “Collateral damage of living with one of the Crusaders,” she said dryly. “But didn't you say this ship comes with a self-repair function?”
The Doctor, who had been looking at the wreck in despair, brightened. “Ah! So it does!” His enthusiasm dimmed slightly as he glanced back at the Crusaders. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t clean ponies.” He hummed slightly. “Right, you lot, let’s get you to the showers.”
Ditzy glanced at her watch. “Oops!” she gasped, “I’m running late! Can you handle the foals by yourself?”
The Doctor chuckled. “I’ve faced Daleks, Cybermen, and Weeping Angels all before breakfast, how hard can it be?”
Ditzy glanced pointedly at the sap-covered console, which chose that moment to let off another shower of sparks. The Doctor exhaled. “Point taken,” he conceded, “But I’m quite sure that nothing like this is ever going to happen again.” He fixed the Crusaders with a firm look. “Will it.”
“No, Doctor,” the Crusaders chorused, chastened. Even Dinky looked a little abashed.
“Well, almost certainly not,” Sweetie added conscientiously. “Probably.”
The Doctor nodded. “Good enough,” he decided.
***
“So, exactly what were you lot doing in there, anyway?” the Doctor asked as he led them down the hall.
“Investigating,” Button replied.
“Button!” Dinky hissed, inasmuch as a word without sibilants may be.
Button looked up from his GameColt absently. “Wait, did he just say something and then I said something back?”
“Yeah, and then you went blank. It was kind of hilarious,” Scootaloo replied.
The Doctor just chuckled. “Pony Torchwood, eh? Well, at least no one got hurt. Or sucked into an alternate universe. Again.” He stopped for a moment, gazing into space. Then, shaking himself off, he continued, “Right, tell you what, I’ll answer any questions you’ve got about me if you answer some of my questions about Ponyville. Your club, it’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders, right?”
“Yep!” Apple Bloom replied quickly. “Now, how come this box is bigger on the inside?”
They continued in this vein for a while. The Doctor learned a great deal about current events (he’d missed rather a lot of interesting stuff, which he decided to eventually go back and watch) and rather a lot about the ponies living in town. The Crusaders, in turn, had learned that the Time Lords had two hearts and a respiratory bypass, and that they were very uptight and officious. Well, except for the Doctor. They also learned that there weren't many Time Lords left anymore. His face had gone a bit peculiar when he had said that, and he had gone quiet for a long minute afterwards. Eventually, Rumble had to ask. “What happened?”
The Doctor looked up, his face grave. “Not every culture fights wars using pies,” he said. No one said anything more for a while after that.
Dinky got to use the shower first. She stared, actually rather impressed at the dizzying array of knobs and buttons covering the walls. She counted seventeen faucets, half again as many many showerheads, and several perfume nozzles. Very tentatively, she reached out a hoof and turned a yellow knob. Water poured down, lemon-scented bubbles filling the air. Pulling on a purple knob, she caused the room to fill with a warm mist. She actually smiled, delighted. Then, she pushed down on a blue button.
Ten seconds later, a bedraggled, sopping wet filly left the shower, mane plastered against her head. The Doctor winced. “Accidentally set the pressure wash?” he asked sympathetically.
She gave him a dark look. “Towel,” she growled.