After the last time that he did a broadcast, Discord himself felt that he was in a pretty good place with everything that was going on… Though, it was shortly after this that he had to put the show on temporary ‘hiatus’ because of two major things. First and foremost, there was the events that transpired at Ponehedge and lead to the release of Starswirl the Bearded and some of his other comrades out of limbo; and secondly, the friendship festival held in Canterlot. Of course, the second one wasn’t really quite important to him originally and he saw that as a reason to take a vacation all the way in Neighpon… but when he came back, it was then he realized that a lot of things happened in the short time that he had been absent.
Not to mention that he also met a pirate captain that sounds like she was interested in more than just crackers, a unicorn with a broken horn and a zero tolerance policy for anypony messing around and lastly, a kitty con artist who was more of an aristocrat and gentlecolt than Celestia’s own nephew was at any point in his existence. Speaking of which, it was when all of these events were going down that one thing was overheard by some of the staff members at Canterlot Castle.
It was the fact that Prince Blueblood… was having a epiphany. Apparently, the attack on Canterlot by the so called ‘Storm King’ served as a wake up call for him and also served as the main point for what Discord wanted to do for this episode. Because if this guy… the same stallion that treated mares like living shields in foodfights and failed to get the public to vote for him during ‘the Election’ cycle last season, was wanting to change… then he needed to understand his mistakes.
And Discord was planning to not leave any stone unturned. As the introduction played for his segment, the camera’s were put in place and his segment began filming, he was greeted by an applause as he welcomed everyone who was there. “Welcome, welcome! It’s so good to be back, everypony!!” He told his audience as the applause was slowly beginning to wind down. “Welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight and tonight, there’s a lot to catch up on. And I do mean a lot. From the fact that Princess Twilight has a SCHOOL for some reason… to the fact that FREAKING CANTERLOT somehow got attacked by a Yeti with a superiority complex… and just as when you think things were slowly beginning to come back together after the events of this attack, all hell breaks loose… But not in the way you would expect it.”
“According to top aides in Canterlot Castle, the once so everly defiant Prince Blueblood is having an epiphany and wants to change his attitude and behavior in order to gain some respect after the siege on Canterlot Castle. He has faced many years of criticism for his outright offensive remarks and reactions and this comes after he lost his temper during an immigration meeting, asking top delegates ‘Why are we taking in all these creatures from sh*thole countries?’.”
Many ponies in the audience gasped at that, while Discord… didn’t look too surprised. “That’s right… he actually said that. He said something that a lot of us think that he didn’t have the balls to do. And to be fair, it’s actually worse… because he wasn’t just referring to everyone as sh*tholes. He was talking specifically about countries like Zebrafrica, Paiti and Hayzil. Which is clearly not okay,” The Draconequus mentioned… before adding his own tidbit. “And I do want to acknowledge that I’ve called Tartarus a sh*thole personally for several years but… in my defense; A, I’m not Prince… B, Tartarus is decaying force of nature that creates utter despair when any of it’s inmates are letting out loud tantrums.” That was followed by what looked like an image of a Baby Tirek crying because he wasn’t able to achieve ‘World Domination’... all while the guards were looking at a meter that read ‘Too much despair. No hope. Consider suicide.’
“But… if Prince Blueblood is really… and I mean reaaaaaally wanting to change, then he’s got a long way to go,” Discord took a deep breath. “You might think that trying to be reformed is easy, but Blueblood isn’t necessarily seen as a ‘bad guy’. Just somepony that’s made way too many bad choices. You might have heard of some of those bad decisions most recently though. Especially with the amount of backlash that he got from some of the things that he said. Mostly based on what his plan was if he was elected in the position where Celestia and Luna are right now.”
“When I am elected as the leader, and believe me, I will be… I will make sure that my first priority is to make sure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes that make our country a laughing stock…… and they are, believe me.”
That had Discord raise a peculiar eyebrow as he looked back at his audience. “Oh really? You of all ponies are going to make sure of that?” That was when Discord had a series of rather embarrassing photos emerge on the left hand side as the draconequus continued to speak.
“We’re talking Blueblood… This guy…” An image is shown of Blueblood singing in the shower while Celestia, Cadence and Luna are waiting impatiently.
“THIS guy…” Another image was shown of Blueblood’s mane standing up on end while talking to a delegate from Manehattan on a breezy spring morning.
“THIS GUY…” The final photo showed him getting stood up by Rarity at the Grand Galloping Gala and covered in jelly and food. “ … wants to end the laughter. That’s the equivalent of a puppy named Julius H. Snugglebones wearing a top hat and holding a chew toy in his mouth running for mayor under the slogan ‘playtime’s over’. ” That was followed by a picture of what looked like a rally for the puppy in the top hat with campaign posters and everything.
“More importantly though, it was not his campaign mistakes or his insults at important political meetings that made him a very unlikeable pony. It was his overall behavior and how he treated everyone because of his ‘noble status’. You might recall during our first season when I called out the nobles and a lot of other ponies for being stupid, lazy and not even lending a helping hoof to assist the princesses with daily tasks and because of that, many of the nobles did help her… but in the case of Blueblood, he saw this not as Nobles helping the princesses… he saw it more as nobles helping royalty. Meaning that he was thinking that he was getting help instead of giving that same help to his Aunt. Which… lead to this confrontation when he angered a few nobles the morning after our first show aired.”
A brief clip was then shown of some nobles going out of their way in order to beat the crap out of Blueblood and despite his best chance at trying to say that he’s royalty, he was immediately interrupted by someone calling him annoying. But it was at the end of the clip that the camera turned to Celestia… and it was showing her smiling throughout all of this. “Wow… That clip had two things that I learned about Canterlot today. One, it doesn’t matter how much of a jerk you are, you can still get beaten up by nobles. Two, Celestia was thinking at the time that her nephew learned a valuable lesson…… Don’t f*ck with fellow nobles.”
That got the crowd laughing and riled up at that as an image of Celestia and Pinkie Pie in rapper outfits on the cover of a fake music cover called ‘Don’t F*ck with fellow nobles’, guest starring Celestia, Pinkie Pie and DJ-Pon3, shortly before Discord had to take a deep breath and clear his throat. “Now… you may be thinking… ‘Wait, how is this trying to help him? You’re just pointing out all of his mistakes and make routine jokes about it?’ Well, not only is that getting into what normally consists on this show… but it also brings up what actual kinds of mistakes he’s made. Because all the way up until now, he didn’t seem to acknowledge any of the mistakes he previously made and when he did, he called it out as being phony or fake. So… helping him out is like getting your wisdom teeth pulled…”
Everyone in the room sound confused for a moment… before the Draconequus began to elaborate on what he meant. “You need to go through the painful parts first before you can begin the healing process. Otherwise, you’ll be waking up in the middle of the operation to find that the operator has to perform ‘drastic measures’ to get that sucker out of there.” That was followed by a new image of Blueblood waking up in an operating chair at the dentist… while seeing Minuette carry what looked like a mechanical drill and making the prince panic in the chair.
“That just leaves one more question though… how much damage control do we need to do in order to keep this whole mess under control?” The draconequus asked. “Well, I’m not sure what kind of damage control we can do… because about a couple of years ago, this happened and showed that Blueblood… has rather thin skin.”
“To the nephew of the princess, satire and humor is no laughing matter. Ever since uncovering an old law five years ago, over 2000 cases have been made for insulting the prince. Most recently, one made against a comedian that insulted him through poetry.”
That even had Discord startled by all of this as he looked back at his audience. “You heard that right… he wanted to imprison ponies for just making fun of him…… and I’m honestly glad that law is not being put into effect anymore,” The draconequus said with a sigh of relief. “Because if it were still active, I would be thrown into a maximum security prison right now and I do not thrive in those kinds of environments.”
That image had a clip of what looked like Discord locked up in Tartarus in a straight jacket and muzzle, struggling to get out and personally panicking. “Thankfully… all of those cases were dismissed and no charges were filed, but some ponies still have a very fresh memory of that on their minds. And not everypony in the world is as forgiving at the princesses or the elements of harmony. Trust me, I’ve learned that from myself the hard way over the last few years… but what makes trying to help this guy so problematic is that many people know him for being just a straight up jerk because there’s nothing else in there. If he were an onion and you cut it open, everything underneath the first layer is just as bad and unbearable.”
That was followed by what looked like a cook wearing some kind of gas mask while he was cutting onions in the royal kitchen. And the onions had a wig that resembled Blueblood’s mane. “And let’s not forget the fact that Blueblood was unwantedly added on to a verbal tirade from a staffer last year… But when it comes to helping him… the only thing you really can do at this point is to change. And no, I don’t mean actually change. Keep your suit on and find a changing room before you try ripping your clothes off in front of us.” Another image was now shown on somepony yelling at Blueblood to not take off his clothes… even though he was only wanting to take off his jacket.
That was before the spirit of chaos cleared his throat before looking back at him. “So… to actually change how people see you, then this is something important you should learn. Treat others the way you want to be treated… if you end up treating them like a complete asshole, then they’re going to treat you the exact same way.” That had the crowd cheering loudly for a moment that it almost shook the roof off of the studio as Discord tried to redirect his focus elsewhere.
“With that out of the way now, let’s move on to Education… the one thing that a lot of ponies are so optimistic about that anything can qualify as that,” That was followed by an image of what looked like Princess Cadence in a school mare’s outfit drawing a heart on a chalkboard before it changed. “I might’ve mentioned at the start of this show about how Princess Twilight Sparkle… The nerdy book pony who looks like she’s been indoors most of her life and tries to learn social etiquette through books… now has a ‘School of Friendship’... and incidentally, she originally wanted to name it ‘Sparkles School for gifted creatures’ only to be met with a copyright infringement lawsuit by her teacher.”
That lead to many ponies laughing out loud when they saw an image of Celestia holding a ‘Cease and Desist’ order in front of Twilight, while also looking extremely mad at her. “Now, from what we know about the school itself, it originally started after the events of the ‘Friendship Festival’, AKA, what was going on when I was on Vacation. The Friendship map in the Castle was expanding beyond that of Equestria to places outside of it and it was getting much bigger that it was originally. So, her original idea was to build a school to welcome all creatures… well, almost all creatures. Because when I had a conversation with Spike about it, this was what he told me.”
“So, at this current point, we have other ponies, dragons, griffons, changelings and hippogriffs among the roster for students right now…”
“Wait… wasn’t the original idea of this a school where all species can learn about Friendship? It looks like you’re missing a few.”
“Wait… What do you mean by that-?”
“Well, aren’t you forgetting Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, donkeys and Zebras?”
“Um… we’re still waiting to hear back from Zecora on being the potion teacher…… Why are you asking? This is getting rather awkward.”
That had a lot of the audience surprised. “Really, Spike? You call that awkward? What’s awkward is that what you told me contradicts what Twilight originally planned for the school. I doubt you would even call it a school at this point and instead call it a friendship resort by a ominous lake in the middle of nowhere…”
The spirit of chaos took a moment to catch his breath first… before adding something else. “For the record though… for the record, the students are not what’s really concerning here. It’s the ponies that are tasked as being teachers and for the record, some of those choices are pretty good. For example, there’s Starlight Glimmer… Twilight’s own student who happened to graduate from the princesses teachings and is presumably paying rent in order to stay at the castle…” An image of Starlight handing over a bag of bits labeled ‘rent’ was shown in Twilight castle. “On the other hoof though… one of the supposed teachers for this is Trixie… a mare where the only thing that’s ‘Great and Powerful’ is her overly complex ego that gets her in trouble almost all the time…” An additional image of Trixie and Starlight getting thrown out of a bag by Thorax’s brother was soon demonstrated a few seconds later. “But at least that is better than having Janice from accounting be in charge of a class because she would not give a buck about that class!”
That was followed by an image of what looked like the accounting mare named Janice drinking coffee and rolling her eyes while the class behind her was utter chaos. Shortly before it changed to the title image. “Don’t get me wrong… I’m really enthusiastic about this idea… however, the one thing that I’m concerned about is that fact that not many of the ponies there could really fit the bill. Sure, Twilight and her friends all learned important lessons in the ways of Friendship… but I’m not sure if that qualifies for being an actual teacher. Only Twilight and Starlight herself have that kind of experience when it comes to teaching, so in a way… they need help.”
Discord took a breath this time before looking back at his audience. “Remember when I had you guys not only submit applications to ask to be part of Twilight’s ‘staff’ for her castle? Well, I want you to do it again! Only this time… I want you to do it for this. Because if the princess of friendship is really wanting to dive into the education system with this new school, she needs all the help she can get and not the help that can be found by cracking open a book.”
Next Morning
When Twilight was up this morning, she felt as if something was going to repeat itself all over again as she trotted over to the campus that was going to be her school of friendship. But it was shortly after she was done making sure that everything was in tip top shape… she stepped out the door to find the most unlikely surprise. Hundreds of ponies racing towards her, holding onto what looked like applications and resumes as they were all shouting at her.
“Princess, let me be of assistance!! I’m great with kids!!”
“I wanna help teach the youngsters!!”
“LET ME BE YOUR CUDDLE BUDDY!!!”
All Twilight could do was race inside and slam the door shut as she was trying to hold it in place. “Oh dear Celestia, NOT AGAIN!!!”
“Um… Twilight?” Spike then spoke up, startling her. “There’s some kind of line wrapping around the back end of the school… I think some diamond dogs, zebra’s, donkeys and minotaurs camped out overnight because they really wanted to enroll here.”
All Twilight did was groan as the tired out alicorn face planted on the floor. “Ugh… I was not prepared for this…”
“We could have Tempest do something-”
“NO!!” Twilight gasped for a moment, before clearing her throat. “I mean… No, that would not be necessary…”
“Then you might want to tell her that… because ever since Celestia assigned her to be your bodyguard, she’s been taking her job WAY too seriously.” All Twilight could do was gulp in fear upon hearing that as she looked towards the door. Before thinking of an idea.
“You know what… let in the line of all those who were waiting… And have Tempest stand guard where everypony else is trying to be.”
“Are you sure that’s-” Spike only had to ask that for just a brief moment, before seeing the look on Twilight’s face and figuring out what she meant. “Oh… OH! I get it now. I’ll let her know right away.”