Princess Celestia had an unpleasant feeling.
Like the tips of spider legs touching the back of her neck except the feeling was deep in her
bones. It usually came right before something unpleasant and always on thursdays for some
reason. Since it was not in fact thursday she could only conclude that something was coming. In
her younger years that something was almost always some world shattering event that she was
forced to overcome or face the potential annihilation of her species. Discord was a good
example of this.
She frowned and sipped her tea. A well tended cloud pass by her tower window. These days the
events were merely annoying. “Summon the captain.” She said without turning to the guards
stationed at the door behind her. One of them saluted and Celestia waved him off with a hoof,
again without turning. She knew military doctrine well, having helped write most of it. Unless
there was an emergency that guard would stay saluted all day if need be. Or until she left the
room. Because of this and other similar events some of the guards believed she could see them
even if she wasn’t looking directly at them. A smaller number even believed that she was
watching them always. Judging them and their worthiness for some reason. She usually had
those ponies committed.
Celestia topped off her cooling cup of tea from her still hot teapot. She sat perfectly still as the
glowing items on the table moved according to her whims. Ponies were nothing if not consistent
in their behavior. So she waited and counted the seconds. That deep uneasy and spidery feeling
crawling across her bones intensified. “Captain.” She spoke with her usual serene calm after
reaching the appropriate number. “Something is coming. Please prepare accordingly.”
“Right away, princess.” There was a pause. Celestia could imagine the mare frowning in thought
behind her. “What are we preparing for if I may ask.”
“You may and something big I imagine.” Celestia said while gazing out the window. The cloud
had finally drifted out of her field of view.
“Of course… Something big. Should I prepare the castle defenses as well.” The captain said.
Celestia hummed in thought. “Yes, that sounds lovely. The friendship generator always did take
a while to warm up.”
Celestia imagined the captain saluting so she waved her off without turning. It really was a nice
day she thought. Pity that something was about to ruin it. She supposed that whiling away the
afternoon drinking would suffice to pass the time.
“Anything else?” the voice startled Celestia. She turned for the first time and leveled her gaze on
the captain. Who happened to be sporting a cheeky grin.
“Yes that will be all.” Celestia said with a bit more sourness then she intended.
The captain saluted for real this time and left. Still sporting that grin Celestia found mildly
infuriating. She turned back to her cloud watching with a bemused shake of her head. Waiting
patiently for whatever it was. Moments later she could feel the castles friendship generator hum
to life and off to her left a panel with a myriad of blinking lights, buttons and levers slid out of the
wall. She paid it no mind and continued to drink her tea. her lips and ever flowing mane and tail
the only parts of her moving.
She didn’t have to wait long. High up in the atmosphere a large object was heading in her
direction. It left a fiery streak across the sky as it entered the atmosphere. She took another sip
of here tea. She could hear the guards armor rattle as they quaked in fear at the sight. She had
to commend them for standing their ground. The sight was more than a little impressive she had
to admit.
Soon enough the large object had stopped burning and came to an abrupt stop. Casting a
shadow over canterlot city. Celestia had a clear view of it and the city from her seat. It was
vaguely saucer shaped with thousands of lights that blinked in interesting patterns across its
hull.
“Castle defenses ready, your highness.” The captain said as she entered the room and took up
position next to the blinking control panel. Celestia nodded in acknowledgement. She sipped her
tea and waited patiently.
“Ponies of Equestria.” The ship’s speaker system boomed. “Bow before us and pay tribute to
your new masters.” It then opened fire on the city buildings with several dozen lasers along its
underside.
The ponies in the room cried out in horror. Except Celestia who simply narrowed her eyes in
annoyance. That feeling in her bones was starting to grate on her. The ship wasn’t doing any
real damage she knew, to the magically warded city except panicking her little ponies. And If
there was one thing she couldn’t stand it was things upsetting her little ponies.“Prepare the
friendship cannon.” She commanded.
The captain pressed the appropriate buttons on the console. The room jolted and vibrated
causing her finery to rattle as the room shifted sideways with the sound of stone sliding against
stone. The wall behind the console and the ceiling above it sank and retracted respectively.
revealing a massive cannon that was easily half the size of the castle itself rising out of the
place her room had occupied. It towered far above them before tilting and finally coming to a
shuddering halt with its barrel pointed towards the stationary ship.
She nonchalantly took another sip of her tea and savored it for a moment with her eyes closed.
It was really good tea. It wasn’t the best but it came close. That honor went to an ancient recipe
lost to time and an extinct strain of mint. She had learned a hard lesson on excess that century.
Celestia opened her eyes and glared at the offending ship. “Fire.” She said.
All Tartarus broke out after the captain slammed her hoof down on the big red button that had
‘FIRE’ labeled on it in big friendly letters. The castle shook with thunder and the entire mountain
was shifted an imperceptible inch backwards from the recoil of weaponized friendship blasting
out of the cannon in the form of a rainbow. Celestia smiled and drank her tea. It was subtle and
elegant with a hint of jasmine.
The ship hung motionless and quiet in the air after the rainbow cleared. The ponies below
collectively held their breath.
After a long moment the ship’s intercom crackled to life. “Could you do that again?” the voice
asked. “That felt pretty good.” There was a moment of silence. “Anyone know what that was?”
That last sentence sounded like it was directed away from the microphone.
“I think it was friendship.” Another slightly smaller voice answered. It sounded like it was coming
from across a medium sized room.
“Friendship? Whats that?” The first voice asked.
“The database says it’s a transitory state between acquaintance and ‘best’ friend. Not sure why
‘best’ is in quotation marks.” The smaller voice replied.
Silence. Celestia blinked in disbelief at the aliens technically accurate but faulty reasoning.
“Your telling me.” The first voice slowly reasoned. “That these backwards miniature horses
somehow managed to weaponize a social construct.”
“Yes?” the second voice stated.
“Right, new plan. Kill the ponies and take their friendship.” The ship opened fire on the castle.
Red lasers bounced ineffectually off the friendship force field. The ponies below doubled and
tripled their panicked panicking.
Celestia choked on her tea mid drink in shock at what the voice said. Spewing it across the
table as she sputtered and coughed. “Okay I’ve had enough.” She said.
Her horn blazed and with titanic strength that only a direct avatar of a celestial object could
muster she enveloped the ship in her magic and squeezed.
It crumpled like tinfoil until it was too small to see at a distance. A moment later and Celestia had
a new coaster resting on her table. She set her drink on it than looked to her left. “Captain,
please see to it that our new guests in the dungeon have proper accommodations.”
***
Down in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle and her new and former students, one of whom was missing
most of her horn. Stood outside next to her crystal friendship castle. She had an almost bored
look on her face while the other two stared in slack jawed wonderment up at Canterlot. Never
being one to pass on a teachable moment, Twilight turned towards her companions. “And that’s
why you don’t buck with Celestia.” she said with a smug grin.
***
Back in Canterlot. Celestia sat for a time while enjoying her new coaster. it had a satisfying
weight to it and a metallic shine that seemed to compliment the rest of her tea set. She toyed
with it while contemplating the fate of the extra terrestrial invaders. The tickle torture room hasn’t
seen a lot of use in a few decades. Then again, Twilight had a lot of extra space in her new
castle. Maybe she would be up for taking on a few more friendship students.
Celestia gulped down the rest of her tea and stood. “If you’ll excuse me I need to visit the little
fillies room.” A short walk later and she opened the door to the bathroom only to recoil as
something horrible blocked the doorway. “Discord.” She said with undisguised disgust as the
spider legged creepy crawley’s shivered once again through her bones.
“The one and only.” he said with a flourishing and grossly exaggerated bow.
“What do you want?” She glared at him with a calculating look. Trying to work out the logistics of
firing the friendship cannon into her bathroom.
“Oh, i just wanted to let you know that I switched today with tomorrow.”
She gave up part way through after tallying the cost of the construction crew and the price of her
sanity.“You what?” She deadpanned.
Discord’s mouth formed into a self satisfied snaggletoothed smile. “Don’t worry I’ll put it back. I
know how much you love thursday's.”
Celestia slammed the door in his face.