The Chaotic Three: A Zany Story

by LunaJack


The Not-So-Great Escape

Big Bartlett Pear was a simple farmer. He had always lived a simple life: raising pears on his family’s modest farm in Rocky Ford. If he needed to get from one place to the other, he either walked or took the train. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine being magically teleported anywhere.

It was so strange. First, he was standing in the middle of a dirt road. The next thing he knew, it felt like something had yanked him right out of his horseshoes and, in a flash, plopped him down somewhere else. That somewhere else proved to be what looked like a…restaurant?

Jewel looked around in confusion at the booths and tables full of surprised and curious ponies. “Um…where are we?’

“I dunno.” Applespike sniffed the air. “Smells like a…bakery.”

“Yo! What is this?” an irate voice cried out. They looked to the speaker. He was a light beige, unicorn stallion wearing a white uniform and baker’s cap.

“Donut Joe!”

Applespike face hoofed. “All the landmarks in Canterlot, and you had to bring us to the Donut Shop?” he snapped.

The chaotic colt gave a tired shrug. “I was hungry.”

“Don’t start, you two,” said Jewel before Applespike could retort. “The important thing is we are safe and in Canterlot. We just need to get out of here and—"

“Hey! You’re not going anywhere little lady!” said Donut Joe, stepping from behind the counter to block their path. “Not until you get him and that—that—wagon thing outta here.”

“Wagon!” They all turned to look where Joe was pointing. Sure enough, there was Big Bart’s wagon, still loaded and still attached to its owner. Zany slumped down in a heap on the floor.

“Ugh! No wonder I’m so tired,” he groaned. “Teleporting all that extra weight.”

“This is why I don’t allow ponies to teleport into the restaurant!” Donut Joe continued his rant. He walked around the big Earth stallion and his wagon. “You could have crushed one of my customers, dropping in like this!”

“We are very sorry,” said Jewel, using her most gracious voice. “We did not mean to inconvenience you. I promise, we will remove it immediately.”

Applespike studied the shop's front door, measuring it with his eyes. “Uh, I don’t think the wagon is gonna fit through here,” he murmured low.

“I could teleport it out,” said Zany doubtfully.

“NO!” Big Bart snorted, planting his hooves on the tiles as though he were about to be dragged to prison. “No teleportin’!” Zany, for once, didn’t try to argue.

“Maybe you could widen the door,” suggested Jewel. “Like the way you raised the ceiling in the palace.”

Zany grinned. “Yeah,” he said, rising up. “I think I can do that.”

“Whoa, now wait a minute,” Donut Joe started, but Zany was already working his spell. He stood on his hind legs and pointed his front hooves at the door. His eyes glowed white as his magic gathered around the portal. Ponies nearest the exit quickly moved out of the way. Slowly, Zany spread his hooves as though he were parting an invisible curtain. Slowly, the door’s frame began to stretch and widen, scrunching the walls like an accordion as it did so.

"Great Luna in the sky!" the baker pony groaned, covering his eyes with his hooves.

Applespike stood behind Zany, giving him guidance. "A little wider," he whispered. “A little more…A little more...That’s good! Right there!”

Zany held his position as the dragon-pony guided Big Bart and the wagon out the door. Once they were safely in the street, Zany slowly moved his hooves together, shrinking the door and smoothing the walls back to their original shape.

Donut Joe nearly collapsed in relief, while his customers cheered. Only Jewel noticed that the chaotic colt was breathing hard and sweating.

“Are you all right, Zany?” she asked.

“Yeah," he managed to gasp. "I just... overdid it. Teleporting... all that weight. And then I had to... work that spell on the door…”

“I understand,” said Jewel gently, patting his shoulder. Magical exhaustion: when a magic user pushes him or herself beyond their limit. She had seen a few unicorns at the school suffer from it after trying a difficult spell. But this was the first time she had seen Zany affected with it.

“Poor thing,” she said. “Sit and rest for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“To get some donuts, of course,” Jewel giggled. “You think I’m going to let a chance like this pass me by?”

Zany nodded. He closed his eyes and took deep, cleansing breaths while he waited. It had been a long time since he had suffered from Magical Exhaustion. Not since the time he had accidentally caused an avalanche of strawberry ice cream on a mountain outside Ponyville and had to save the town by catching it in a giant waffle cone. There were a lot of tummy aches in Ponyville that night.

Jewel returned, skipping happily while levitating a white paper bag. “Come on, let’s join the others.”

They found Applespike and Big Bart patiently waiting for them. Jewel opened her bag and hoofed out donuts to everyone.

“I’ve been wanting one of these for years!” she said, levitating a triple chocolate fudge donut with rainbow sprinkles. Her eyes rolled up in ecstasy as she bit into it. “Mmmmm!Sooooo goooooood!”

“So, where do we go from here?” asked Zany around a mouthful of chocolate-chip donut.

“We go to Twilight’s Tower,” replied Applespike. “Twinkle said she could take it from there.”

Zany chuckled. He was feeling less tired and more like his old self. “Yeah. I’d like to see what old Twinkle Toes has in mind.”

“I can guide us there,” said Jewel, smiling mischievously. “A group of us used to sneak out at night and go adventuring, so I know a lot of back ways.”

Ahem!

All three ponies turned to look at Big Bart.

“Um, Market?” he asked pointedly.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Down that way.” Jewel pointed to a nearby street. “Keep going straight, three blocks, and you’ll see it. And Mr. Big Bart,” she added, placing a hoof on his massive shoulder. “Thank you so much for all your help.”

Big Bart smiled and tipped his hat in response.

"Yeah," Zany added. "You're a great shot with a money bag."

“We couldn’t have saved Jewel without you, that's for sure” muttered Applespike, looking at the pavement. It felt awkward for him to be thankful to a member of the Pear family. "We appreciate it."

The green stallion cocked his eye at the dragon-pony, studying him for a moment.

“Who are your folks?” he asked suddenly.

Applespike was surprised at the question. “Uh, my Ma is Applejack and my Pa is Spike the Dragon. They’re from Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville.”

“Thought so,” said Big Bart, smiling sadly. “I knew your Grandma Buttercup. She was a wonderful mare.”

Applespike’s mouth dropped open in surprise. How? How could a Pear have known his Grandma Buttercup? The big stallion had to be about the same age as Big Mac, and all the Pears in Ponyville had moved away before he was born.

“How-how-how did you….”

“Better ask your Granny,” Big Bart answered quietly. With a final nod to the group, he headed down the street Jewel had shown him and was soon lost to sight among the buildings.

“Wow,” Zany muttered as he watched the stallion disappear. “This rescue is turning into a real soap opera.”

“A what?” asked Jewel.

“Never mind.”

“Maybe we should head on out,” said Applespike. “I’ll feel better once we’re safe at Twinkle’s.”

Jewel guided them down a nearby street then turned into a shaded alley. They carefully sidestepped around the garbage cans and ducked under the huge leaves of an elephant ear plant somepony had allowed to grow wild.

“Good grief,” muttered Applespike as he freed himself from a vine hanging from a third-floor balcony. “You used to come this way at night?”

“Well, not by myself,” answered Jewel, grinning. “It was a group of us, mostly first-year students, out for a little adventure. Some of the colts liked to slip away to watch the pegasi street racers, but most of us went to the donut shop.”

“Pegasi street racers?” Zany murmured, looking around at the tall buildings that turned the streets into narrow canyons. “I bet that would be cool.”

The colts followed Jewel as she turned down another street then ducked into another alley. The alley came out on a pleasant street with ivy covered walls. Lush ferns decorated front steps and bright flowers grew in window boxes.

“This way leads to the campus,” Jewel told them. “I don’t know the name of the street, we just called it Flower Row because of all the window boxes. The Canterlot Culinary College is on the right, up here.”

They glanced at the grand ivy-covered arch with the sign shaped like a golden cooking pot. Jewel and Applespike continued on, but Zany paused for a moment to rest. The delicious aroma of something spicy and savory wafted into the street. Zany breathed in deeply. Mmmmm! Spicy marinara with garlic bread! Soooo gooood!

Zany didn’t realize his body was floating until his head hit the arch. “Ouch!” He rubbed his head ruefully. “Stupid stones,” he muttered as he slowly lowered himself to the street. “Why do they have to be so hard?”

A bubbling giggle from the other side of the ivy-covered wall made him look up in annoyance. Was somepony laughing at him? The giggle was followed by a masculine chuckle.

“You are so silly sometimes, my little sweet bun,” a stallion’s voice murmured, low and intimate.

Zany grinned mischievously. Sounded like somepony was having a little rendezvous in the cooking school’s courtyard.
He cautiously poked his head through the gateway. Off to the left was a lovely green garden with shrubs, flowers, and hanging vines of ivy. Two figures were sitting there, their bodies leaning into each other. The bigger one appeared to be a male Griffon with tawny brown fur and a white eagle’s head and neck. His massive wings were folded against his body.
Leaning against him, her cheek resting blissfully on his soft feathery neck, was a dark brown mare with a cream-colored mane. She looked up at the Griffon adoringly.

“And you are so sweet, Gulliand,” she murmured.

Zany’s eyes went wide. Cinnamon Roll!

Gulliand chuckled again. Gently, he combed his talons through Cinnamon Roll’s creamy hair. The filly closed her eyes, sighing pleasurably.

“Zany, what are you doing?”

The chaotic colt almost jumped out of his skin as Applespike suddenly appeared next to him.

“We’ve got to get Jewel to Twilight’s Tower as soon as we can! We don’t have time for—”

His rant was cut off as Zany seized his muzzle and turned him towards the scene in the courtyard. The dragon-pony gave a muffled squeak, his eyes bugging at the sight. The Griffon’s head was bowed over the little mare, his eyes shut as he enjoyed the intimate connection. Slowly, Cinnamon Roll slid a hoof up his neck. It was then Applespike noticed the silver band on her brown ankle. The dragon-pony frowned. Since when did his sister wear jewelry?

“What is that thing she's got on?” he hissed.

“That’s a Promise Bracelet,” whispered Jewel, slipping up next to him.

“A what?”

“A Promise Bracelet,” Jewel repeated. “Stallions sometimes give them to their Special Someponies as a token of their love." She gave a happy heartfelt sigh. "It’s usually a precursor to an engagement ring.”

“Engagement!” the dragon-pony choked on the word.

Zany quietly snickered. “Looks like we might both be uncles soon,” he whispered, giving his friend a playful nudge.

“Excuse me?” said Jewel, looking at Zany quizzically .

“We’ll tell you later,” whispered Applespike who was becoming very uncomfortable. “We need to get outta here before one of them sees—URK!”

All three members of the Chaotic Three stared dumbfounded as Cinnamon Roll lazily raised her head and kissed the Griffon on the end of his sharp, curved beak. Gulliand’s talon cupped her head, holding it in place as the kiss deepened.

“Wow,” breathed Zany. “Looks like Griffons can kiss, after all.”

“W-w-we really should go,” said Jewel, blushing furiously. “Come on.” She herded Zany back into the street, but Applespike lingered, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight.

WHEEET!” He jumped as a bird burst noisily from the thick ivy near his head. Cinnamon Roll and Gulliand jerked away from each other, looking around wildly. Applespike ducked but not before his sister managed to lock eyes with him.

“APPLESPIKE?”

“Oh, manure pile!” The dragon-pony took off at a full gallop. Behind him he could hear Cinnamon Roll's angry yells.

"That better not be you, Applespike! I'll tan your hide, sneaking around like that!"

He zoomed past Zany and Jewel "Run for your life!" he called over his shoulder. "Cinnamon's coming!"

An ear-splitting screech like a cross between an eagle's shriek and a lion’s roar sounded behind them, followed by the heavy beat of wings.

“Oh, Tartarus!” muttered Zany, breaking into a run. “Heads up! We got Griffon problems!”

“Don’t go straight!” Jewel called as she galloped after them. “Turn left onto that side street up ahead.”

They took the turn and found themselves in what looked like a small park. There was a stone bench surrounded by small trees growing in large ornate urns. Large ferns hung from sconces set in the walls. Glossy bushes covered in fragrant pink camellias formed a living privacy fence. Nearby, a small fountain quietly trickled water into a stone basin. It was a soothing, tranquil place but the Chaotic Three only had one thing on their minds.

“This way!” said Jewel. "If we turn right at the next street, it'll bring us to--UH OH!"

They screeched to a halt as a large winged shadow dropped down at the far end of the street, blocking their get away. The little unicorn quickly shoved the colts behind the camellias.

“Quick! Hide! ”she hissed.

Cinnamon Roll barreled full speed onto the street. Her hooves scraped the cobbles as she slid to a halt in the little park. She looked around, panting heavily. There was no sign of the guilty colt; just a unicorn filly wearing a traveling cloak sitting on a bench calmly eating a donut.

"Excuse me," she said addressing the filly. "Did you happen to see a dragon-pony bolt through here?"

The little unicorn just shrugged and shook her hooded head.

Cinnamon Roll snorted in frustration. Gulliand quickly glided over to her.

“There are too many awnings on these streets,” he complained. “I thought I saw two colts run this way but I lost sight of them.”

“I’ll bet the other colt was Zany,” Cinnamon Roll growled. “Probably practicing one of his teleporting spells. I ought to skin him alive!”

The brown filly prowled around the park, looking behind the pots, peering into the camellias, and peeking under the ferns. She glanced under the stone bench but didn’t see anything. The little unicorn just sat and continued to eat her donut.

“I suppose they got away,” said Gulliand after a while. “Perhaps they teleported somewhere else?”

“Maybe,” Cinnamon Roll snorted, stomping her hoof. “That didn’t even occur to me! Grrrr!”

She glanced up at the Griffon and noticed the concern in his eyes. She dropped her head, feeling very sheepish. “I’m sorry, flying off the handle like this. I bet you think I'm crazy."

“It’s all right,” said Gulliand soothingly. He put a wing over her and drew her close. “I'm a Griffon. We invented flying off the handle.”

"I'm not even sure that really was Applespike we were chasing," Cinnamon Roll murmured as she leaned into him. "But it sure looked like him."

"Of course, Cherie," he murmured back. Slowly, he escorted her from the park. "Come, let us go back. It's almost time for that lecture on Japonese cuisine."

The little unicorn watched them until they disappeared around the corner.

“You can come out now. They’re gone.”

“Thank Celestia!” gasped Zany. He and Applespike tumbled stiffly from under the stone bench. The chaotic colt lay sprawled on the cobbles, sweat dripping from his forehead. “I didn’t think I could hold that invisibility spell much longer.”

“You sure had me worried,” said Applespike, stretching himself. “We were flickering in and out like a lighting bug towards the end there.”

Jewel looked down at Zany. “Are you sure you're all right?” she asked, worriedly.

“I will be,” the chaotic colt grinned. “Nothing a little rest and a donut can’t fix.”

Jewel rolled her eyes and gave them another donut apiece. The two happily munched while Jewel kept watch. Luckily, neither Cinnamon Roll or Gulliand returned for another look.

“Mmmm, that was good,” Applespike murmured as he licked the last traces of sugar from his lips. “How many of those did you get, by the way?”

“An even dozen,” Jewel replied, primly snatching up the bag and tucking it under her cloak. “I'm saving the rest for when we reach Twinkle's.”

“Well, that's all the incentive I need!” said Zany, rising to his hooves. “Let’s go!”

Jewel went first, peeking cautiously around the corner. Seeing the coast was clear, she motioned for the colts to follow her. Quickly, they trotted down Flower Row until they reached the School for Gifted Unicorns campus. Applespike and Zany were very impressed. The school building was shaped like an enormous house with rows of arched windows and three pointed towers shaped like witches' hats. Colorful swirls decorated the roof. Zany closed his eyes. He could feel the magic flowing and popping inside it.

"Come on," said Jewel, guiding them to a broad walkway that bypassed the building. "Twilight's Tower is this way."

The three received some odd looks from a few unicorn students, but no one bothered them. Jewel kept her hood pulled up to hide her well-known face. Applespike and Zany flanked her on either side, nodding politely to passersby. Zany had to flash his fang at a colt who showed too much curiosity in Jewel. The colt blanched then quickly turned away. Jewel trotted a little faster.

"That's it, up ahead!"

She led them to a tall alabaster tower with a golden onion-shaped dome. A stone staircase leading to the top wound around the building. Jewel didn't pause, but rushed up the steps two at a time. Since wakening from her nightmare the previous night, her only goal had been to reach Canterlot and the safety of Twilight's old home. She could hardly believe she had made it! It seemed incredible! Wonderful! Freedom!

She rang the doorbell, dancing in eagerness. After what seemed like a long time, the door opened.

"What's going on?" asked a sleepy-eyed Twinkle Sparkle. "You know I always sleep late after a night lesson."

"It's me, Twinkle!" cried Jewel. "It's me! I made it! I really made it!"

The little alicorn rubbed her eyes and squinted at the unicorn filly. "JEWEL?"

"Yes! Yes! It's me! I made it!" Jewel flung her arms around Twinkle's neck and sobbed into her fur. "I really made it!"

Twinkle held her close and patted her back comfortingly. "I'm glad you did," she murmured.

The sounds of clattering hooves and wheezing pants made her look up. Applespike appeared, slowly followed by a trembling and totally exhausted Zany.

"Too...many steps," he wheezed. "Need...elevator!"

"Zany? Applespike? What are you doing here?" asked Twinkle. "Where is Discord? And Aunt Rarity and Uncle Fancy Pants?"

Applespike bit his lip and looked guiltily at the ground. "Oops."

"You FORGOT!" the little alicorn glared at him over Jewel's shoulder. "Jewel's parents are the two most important ponies we need AND YOU FORGOT!"

"Well, Discord wan't home," he explained nervously. "Then we checked the magic mirror and saw Jewel was in danger so we went to rescue her...and...well, it's just been one thing after another... But don't worry!" he added as Twinkle's frown deepened. "We'll find a way to fix this. I promise!"

"In the meantime," said Zany, reaching under Jewel's cloak to retrieve the bakery bag. "Care for a donut?"