I was trapped.
The cage was locked tight, suspended just outside the window of the church, forcing me to view the vile scene before me.
Bowser’s large claws were holding, or rather forcefully pulling, the hand of Peach as a Koopa dressed in a minister’s robe began the vows.
“Do you, your royal Vileness, take the hand of this princess to be your unlawfully wedded wife?”
“I do,” Bowser rumbled. I could barely watch as the Koopa turned to Peach.
“And do you, dear princess, take this King of the Koopas to be your unlawfully wedded husband?”
Peach had tears streaming down her face, and Tiara looked on the verge of breaking down herself. Finally, I heard Peach whisper those words I had never hoped to hear.
“I do.”
My hands banged against the cage. I hoped that somebody… somebody… would notice.
But no one did. No one except Bowser himself, who suddenly appeared behind my cage. “Now, I’ll show everyone what happens to nagging annoying plumbers.” He opened his mouth, and began breathing fire on my cage.
As the temperature in the cage rapidly increased, I knew what was happening.
He was going to burn me alive. Like smoked ham.
I prayed in my head for some friendly god or spirit or something to deliver me from this gruesome end.
Suddenly, a bright light enveloped me. The cage vanished, and Bowser disappeared. The temperature cooled, and I found myself in a field, the starry night above me. The moon shone brightly, almost in mockery, because that was where that awful wedding had been held.
Or had it only been a dream?
Or, maybe even a vision?
I turned around to see a pony, larger than Twilight and her friends, a little taller than I was (I’m 5’11, by the way, that’s what’s canon), and was the color of the night sky. On her mane were stars, which seemed to all glow on their own. The pony also seemed to have an air of regality about her, so I knew this must be someone important.
“Greetings,” it said, its voice female. “There is no need to fear.”
“Was that only a dream?” I asked, hoping she’d say yes.
“For now, it is only a dream.” The pony turned her head aside in sadness. “I’m afraid, however, that soon it will become reality unless stopped.”
“I’d stop it if I could,” I declared, my voice breaking. “But the Odyssey is in horrible shape, and I can’t repair it without Power Moons or some kind of powerful magic.” For the first time in a long while, I felt an emotion that you’d never think I’d have.
Hopelessness.
The pony clopped up to me, and put a hoof on my shoulder in a gesture of reassurance. “Don’t give up now. I can talk to my sister, Celestia. The two of us can try to find a spell to fix your ship. We heard about your crash, and I hope you are well.”
“Physically, kinda.”
“I’m here to ask about the mental. I can tell you are not well.”
“Well, with all due respect Ms…”
“Princess. My name is Luna.”
Ironic, considering that she looked like she had been made by stars.
“I am in charge of the night,” she added.
“Whoa, you mean like controlling the night?”
She nodded, and I whistled. “And I thought Peach was powerful.”
“Celestia is in charge of the day.”
Okay, I thought. Weird but cool.
I cleared my throat and continued. “With all due respect, Princess, my ship is in ruins, my body is kinda weak, and in order for the former to work again, I need Power Moons or magic, as I already said. And I already have Power Moons coming out my _.” I didn’t say that very often, but I was pretty miffed about being so close to Bowser, only to end up in the middle of nowhere. I had no idea where I was, and how far it was to Bowser’s Kingdom.
“Don’t despair,” Luna said, giving me a reassuring smile. “I can assure you that your Princess and her Tiara friend are well. For now anyway.” Her face grew grave. “We will find a way to get you to them as fast as possible. For now, I must depart.”
“But how will I be able to find you again?” I asked, feeling Luna fading from me.
Her last words were hard to make out, but I think she said “We will worry about that.”
I awoke in an almost literal pool of sweat, feeling as if I’d sleepjogged all around Ponyville. For a moment, I simply lay there, letting myself try to relax in the morning sunlight that shone through the window.
There were voices coming from downstairs, which I knew were the five friends. I knew I’d need to talk to them eventually, but right now I had to use the restroom in peace and quiet.
Cappy was hanging on a hat stand next to my bed, snoring softly. He was always a late sleeper.
I quickly slipped off the covers, and tiptoed to the door. I slowly opened it, and it creaked as if I had tried to kick it open.
Cappy snorted a bit, but quickly went back to snoring. The voices downstairs faded for a moment, and I heard Rainbow Dash say “Did you hear something?”
Brief silence. And then Twilight said “You’ve been doing that for the last hour, Rainbow. It’s probably his bed creaking. I meant to grease it for a while now.”
Slowly the conversation started up again, and I inched across the hall to the bathroom. Luckily, that door wasn’t nearly as loud, and I managed to get in. It got a little stubborn trying to close, and it made a nice “CLICK” sound when it finally did.
The voices stuttered a bit, but quickly went back to talking. This may be easier than I thought, I said to myself.
Now that I was in the bathroom, it would be simple. I did my business, which was a little tricky, since human behinds weren’t made for pony toilets, and then fished out my electric toothbrush. I had been holding it in my pocket since the previous morning, reason being because I had been called in for coffee right after I had brushed, and then Bowser attacked, etc. I was surprised it still worked after all the beating.
I was also a little surprised about how loud it seemed now that I was trying to be quiet. It fired up with a sound like 200 angry wasps, and it took me clamping my mouth shut over it to get it to be quieter.
The voices stopped, and I heard the country pony say “Ah definitely ‘eard somethin’ now.”
Clopping hooves came up the stairs.
I guess I’m not getting a whole lot of peace and quiet, I thought as the door opened.
Just as the door opened, I also realized I was only in my boxer briefs.
So you can excuse my little shriek of “Don’t come in, I’m ¾ naked!”
Applejack gave me a bemused look. “We all hur don’t never worry ‘bout no clothes. Ah personally don’t know why in thu’ world y’all wear ‘em.”
“That’s just what we do,” I responded, starting to feel a bit cold. “Can you get my overalls, please? I’m getting a bit of a draft.”
Applejack rolled her eyes, but clopped off down the stairs. From below, I heard Twilight say “Is he alright? I heard a bit of a scream.”
“E’s doing peachy,” was the response. “’Ad a little fiasco abou’ his clothes. Says ‘e wants ‘em on.”
“Oh,” was all Twilight said. She followed it quickly with “Well, they’re over there.”
I never knew where “there” was until a couple of days later, when Spike told me he’d washed them, and then used small fire breath to dry them. “There” had been on Twilight’s desk, where she’d been studying them like a biologist studying a specimen. I’m glad I wasn’t told that for a while, especially in my jumpy state.
Applejack returned a minute later with my clothes on her back. “’Ere ya go.”
She used her hind legs to buck them right at me, and I barely managed to catch them.
“Nice,” she said, laughing a bit. She leaned in the doorway, and I waited for her to leave.
After about thirty seconds passed, I cleared my throat.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Privacy?” was my answering question.
Applejack realized what I meant, and shrugged in defeat. “It’s gonna take uh while to un’erstand you human people.” With that, she clopped out of the door, closing it behind her.
I changed my clothes, and then left the bathroom for Cappy. He was still snoozing on the hatstand, and it took me yelling that the seamstress was coming for him to wake up. Honestly, he could sleep through a tornado, and end up finally waking up in another state.
After he landed on my head, I felt complete again. My outfit had sentimental value, and I really didn’t feel like me without it.
I finally walked downstairs, and the five ponies turned to look at me.
I looked at them.
They looked back at me.
Cappy joined in the staring.
We had a stare off for about a minute.
Then I said, “Do any of y’all have pancakes?”
“We’re actually having Spike make some now,” Twilight responded, as the temperature in the room returned to normal.
Before she even finished, I had rushed to the kitchen, and started hovering over Spike, mouth watering. He was probably very uncomfortable, but so was my stomach.
He finally handed me a plate of griddle cakes, and I was just about to take my first bite, when there was a knock at the door.
“Who could that be at this time of morning?” I thought as I went to answer. I got there first, since the others were kind of hesitant. I made sure to put a bite in my mouth as I went.
When I opened the door, the ponies gasped, and I almost spat out my pancakes. As we stared at each other, I said to the blue alicorn “Wow, you really were fast.”
“Welcome Princesses!” Twilight squeaked, trying an awkward bow.
There was a silence for a moment.
I looked at the alicorns, hoping something would come to mind.
Finally, I said “We made pancakes.”