~*~
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do anything wrong.
And I'm sorry for saying sorry so much, it just doesn't feel like I can stop.
If I could cry right now, I think I would. And it's not your fault, none of this is your fault. I don't blame you, especially for me being the way I am. I'm just so glad you turned the page, I didn't think you were coming back. There are people I'm still mad at, people who still hurt to think about but not you. Never you. Please, never think that I'm angry with you or hate you. I don't think I have it in me to do that.
I know my behavior seems... erratic. I get that. And I don't mean to be. It's just... it's been so long since anyone has talked to me. I have to relearn how to be... normal, if that makes sense. I have to reteach myself how to be nice, how to tell you I want you around, without demanding it, or being so needy that I push you away. There's such a fine line between friendly and too friendly. And you can end up losing people you care about if you try to hold on to them too tightly.
So... I hope you'll be patient with me. I need to re-learn some things. If I was there with you right now, in the flesh, I think it would be easier. I could ask you your name, say "Hi! How are you? Do you come to this area very much, I've never seen you here before? Isn't the weather nice outside? I really like what you're wearing, wherever did you get it? Where are you from, what's your favorite color, food, flower..."
There would be so much to say. So much I could listen to, take in, as simple as just breathing. But all I can feel is your touch, you moving the page, to know that you're still there. And I'm the only one speaking, you're the only one who can truly listen. I can still listen to you speak to me, and I will, if ever you want to talk with me. But you'll hear me. It's more than I can do for you.
See, now I just want to say sorry again. I know that's no good.
I can keep trying to remember how to be a friend. How to be kind, helpful, nice. I need to learn that. I know words can have such power... but sometimes I forget just how much. And I need to remember that much.
Always.
So, I'm not saying we should start over, but maybe I can talk about something nicer from my past. Something calm or sweet or relaxing. I may not know your favorite color or food, but I know everyone needs a moment to relax sometimes. Maybe you and I could both use a little of that right now.
I don't have a voice, but there's a song that my mother would sing to me when I was little, to get me to go to sleep. It always did the trick. I can't sleep anymore, and I doubt you'll be lulled into dreams by just reading it, but maybe it'll make you feel calm. And... maybe it'll make me feel calm to retell it.