The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Q Ain't Never Had A Friend Like Me

Advisory: Set "Formatting" to "Dark" to ensure that certain, brightly colored text is legible. Thank you.

I've never been completely satisfied with chapters where I "cut loose" and go full nonsense. It always feels like I've done too much while simultaneously not doing enough.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, miscellaneous Chinese folklore, and Walt Disney.
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Just imagine a bunch of Honest Trailer comments suggesting the same thing.

Legends exist of beings that hold unlimited cosmic power. But these theoretically infinite beings almost always have their fatal flaws.

Whether it's the itty-bitty living space or simply being trapped in stone by six pieces of jewelry, these two make the most of their time by making their actions as grandiose and show-offy as possible.

Genie of the lamp from Disney's Aladdin.

Discord of chaos from Hasbro's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

He's B and I'm W, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Genie
-Voice Actor: Robin Williams
-Species: Genie
-Age: 10,000+ years
-Original home: A magic lamp, bound to grant its holder three wishes (with heavy restrictions on life, death, and love)
-Plethora of powers: shape-shifting, growing, shrinking, singing, impressions, levitation, reality-bending, comedic timing, magical clones, random spells
-Friends: Carpet, Aladdin, anyone else close to Aladdin
-Currently a free-roaming creature
-Not quite as powerful as he was in captivity

The desert lands of the Arabs hold sand, sand, and more sand! There are few places to stock up on water, and it's either too hot or too cold. Of course, that's a whole different story if you come across the city of Agrabah.

Amidst the street levels and dirt poor, you might run into Aladdin, a guy who has gotten used to a life of thievery just to get enough food for a day. He dreamed of meeting Agrabah's princess, Jasmine. One day when he was about to be caught, an old man bailed him out and promised a reward in exchange for a favor.

Last time I did a favor for an old man, hoping to make easy money, I ended up in an alley somewhere in Detroit with my wallet and shirt missing.

It could have ended similarly for Aladdin, though with some key differences. The task was to explore the magical Cave of Wonders, which resembles the head of a giant cat guardian. Any who tried to enter and were not worthy were met with a quick burial under the sands.

Fortunately for Aladdin, he was the prophesied "Diamond in the Rough", and he walked inside without any trouble. At the very end of the cave was an ancient oil lamp and he was supposed to bring that back without touching anything else. But... then his pet monkey Abu tried to take an extra jewel and... they ended up re-enacting a live version of that really hard level on a video game no one could beat in the day because the internet was still too young to answer any questions.

I'm... not sure our audience is old enough to get that reference.

W, they're old enough to put up with us killing characters in some of the most gruesome fashions possible. You stick to the serious and I'll make 'em laugh every so often.

Fine. As it turns out, the old man was actually a disguised Jafar who tried to murder Aladdin as soon as he received the lamp. But thanks to some quick hands on Abu, he didn't get it right then and there. After seemingly getting trapped somewhere in the depths of the Cave, Aladdin attempted to wipe some dust away from the writing on the lamp, unwittingly activating the very method of calling forth the djinn inside.

"Oy! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck!"

The Genie was a pretty easy-going fellow for someone who was trapped inside a tiny lamp for ten millennia. But his powers are anything but easy to understand. We're talking the ability to summon objects out of nowhere, communicate with a silent flying carpet, break parts of his body off without any negative consequence, shape-shift himself and anything into anything else, and somehow referencing a bunch of pop culture icons before they were even born.

Genie has something he described as "unlimited" magic. In addition to breaking reality and banishing storms, he can cast lightning and gravity-bending spells as well as the occasional time-stop, though these seem to happen randomly and comically.

At first, Genie was pretty much chained to the lamp and forced to obey whoever held it as his master. But after an epic showdown of tricking Jafar into wishing himself to be a genie with the same drawback of being chained to a lamp, Aladdin wished the big blue guy free.

While this did hinder some of Genie's power of the cosmos, he did gain the freedom of movement on his feet and as far away from his old lamp as he wanted. And it's difficult for anything to really threaten him directly except for beings with magic on similar or greater scales than his own. Any physical threats could be dealt with just by magically pulling himself back together.

Plus, he can clone himself over and over, summon food and clothing out of nothing, twist allies and enemies into other shapes, and switch his visible personality on the fly. Anyone would be hard-pressed to try and keep up with the antics of the Genie.

"I can't believe it. I'm losing to a rug."

Discord
-Voice Actor: John de Lancie
-Species: Draconequus
-Age: 1,000+ years
-Home: A chaotic dimension filled with oddities such as monster birds, bat-winged pianos, and a bottomless pit landmark
-Arsenal of abilities: shape-shifting, size-altering, re-animation, teleporting, levitation, morality-switching, duplication, unpredictable magic
-Friends: Fluttershy... and possibly others (even he doesn't seem completely sure)
-Was trapped in stone by the Elements of Harmony... twice
-Currently on a side that isn't completely evil; still finds ways to cause mischief and be egotistical
-Overconfident and prone to temper tantrums

When you think of My Little Pony, what kind of creatures come to mind?

Unicorns... pegasi... land ponies... sea ponies... other talking creatures with hooves...

How about a creature composed of parts of a dragon, snake, eagle, lion, goat, bat, and a bird?

The hell have you been smoking, W?

Smoking is bad for you.

Gah! Oh, it's you. B clicks his shotgun. Don't try anything funny. That's my job.

Oh-ho, don't mind me. The creature smiles and holds his claw to the side. Please continue.

Yes... well... as he so rudely revealed, Discord has the power to break the fourth wall. It ties in well with his entire shtick, being the master of chaos. With that title comes a plethora of fun and mostly annoying powers. These include and are not limited to flipping the day and night sky around on a switch, altering the very material that the ground is composed of, giving life to inanimate objects, switching gravity around, teleporting, levitation, pulling body parts off and reappearing wherever they land, flipping ponies' personalities around, stealing color from or adding color to absolutely anything, and opening portals to other dimensions.

Don't forget the part where I can make a mean cucumber sandwich... and a nice cucumber sandwich... and an apathetic cucumber sandwich.

Well, aside from bringing Equestria to its metaphorical knees two times over at least a thousand year period, chaos was held off by the magic of friendship several times more than that. Still, that didn't stop him from inducing some local beavers with rage after being set free from stone a second time.

But eventually, Fluttershy the Element of Kindness managed to get to know him better and became his first close friend.

And more if the fan-fic writers ever get inside the studio.

No-no-no-no-no! Don't give them any ideas!

Too late. They're already formulating their plans.

Why do you keep coming back here? The director has not been quiet about disliking you.

Well obviously, I'm back by popular demand. We can't disappoint the fans, can we?

That... actually leads to one of your crucial weaknesses. Your ego and pride are so big that they can actually blind you from some bigger pictures and they enable enemies like Tirek or Chrysalis come up with ways to steal and/or counter your kind of magic. Plus, you're kind of quick to anger when someone has Fluttershy's undivided attention other than yourself.

Oh come on! That Tree Hugger was clearly stealing her away! That should be a freebie!

No./No.

Okay, but... counterpoint. *snap* You're goons. Hah.

Huh... so this is what a goon looks like. I always wondered what that fairy that cursed Little Bunny Frou-Frou was talking about when she made that threat.

Yeah... I could probably get some good data about this new body structure.

Well, if you're just going to take the fun out of it... Discord snaps the show hosts back to their normal selves. I'm going back to my trailer until the round starts. He vanishes in another snap.

Aww...

Despite his turn to the good side, he's always trying to push just how far he can annoy his quote, unquote "friends" before they retaliate. But this isn't without reason. If he isn't at least a little chaotic every day, he could very well vanish from existence... permanently.

Oh yeah. That almost happened when he tried to make a completely normal tea party happen at his house when Fluttershy visited him. But, he's been rubbing off on her so much that she managed to chaos the place enough to bring him back to his unpredictable self and prevent his animator from erasing him.

With everything he's been through, it's no wonder Discord is called a master of disharmony.

"Well, it's about time somepony got me out of that prison block. What a relief!"

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

This episode was hashtag not sponsored by Disney or Hasbro in any capacity. But right now, it's time for a Death Battle!

Is it just me, or does the annual Grand Galloping Gala seem to be happening in Canterlot more frequently? Eh, I digress. There are several ponies in the background, wearing their fancy outfits and jewelry. The conversations are indistinguishable from each other as they echo off the large, tiled floor and marble walls. A certain draconequus is in a... black sweater vest and purple cape. Huh.

He seems to be trying to catch a certain pegasus' attention, but to no avail. She's a little distracted chuckling at something a certain green earth pony with reddish braids said. Finally, the draconequus has had enough. Fire erupts from his eyes and disintegrates his entire ensemble. With paw, he levitates the green pony up. With claw, he tears open a portal in reality.

"Whoa... dude... what is that?!" exclaims the green mare.

"Don't worry, Hugger!" The draconequus cackles madly. "I can assure you that it won't be too cold where you're going!"

A giant blue hand suddenly clogs the portal from the other side. At the same time, a police whistle blows. All of the attendees' eyes gaze in the direction of the noise. Something big, old, and blue pops onto the visible side of the portal and applies a jacket zipper, closing the portal about halfway. The entity pulls out a notepad of pink paper and a pen. He briefly licks his thumb before flipping the first page and hastily scribbling something down.

"Sir, littering is a serious crime that is not only illegal, but also immoral to the environment!" The entity rips off two pages and sticks one to either of the draconequus's horns. The notes read, "Bad," and "Boy," respectively. He picks up Tree Hugger from midair and gently plops her next to her pegasus friend. "Here, hold this for a minute."

"Whoa..." Tree Hugger puts a hoof against her head. "A lot of blue... but his vibes are a righteous gold."

The draconequus's anger somehow burns the notes on his horns into ashes. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"You can call me many things, mister!" The newcomer holds a palm to his chest and his other arm out. "Just don't call me late to the party!" He glances around the room. "Although, I guess you don't have to." A burst of light dresses him up in a white tuxedo. "Looks like I'm already fashionably late."

On the other side of the portal, a sentient rug plays the drums in a "ba-dum-tss" rim shot. Back on the Canterlot side, a pink earth pony lands on her back and laughs out loud.

The draconequus snaps himself a navy blue business suit. "Now you listen here and you listen good. I'm the only one who makes reality his bikkhe around here."

"Really? Well then bring it on, Johnny boy!" The newcomer replaces his tuxedo with a pair of boxing gloves and some shorts.

Genie grows a thousand fists with boxing gloves and starts hammering away with all of them at once at the draconequus. Discord sounds strangely bored even as he exclaims various words of pain. The camera pans to show another Discord floating right behind the genie. Panning back to the original opponent reveals it to be a clone that pops itself like a balloon. The air released sounds more like a bomb, sending Genie flying back.

Discord changes shape into a giant snake and wraps around Genie's incoming body. He even hisses to sound more like an authentic serpent. Genie plops down horizontally before quickly rolling around. This results in the two bowling over ten pins that were somehow set up while no one was watching. Most of the ponies in the room start clearing out in panic.

After the impromptu strike, the combatants find themselves running around in circles. Each of their heads seem curiously centered on a baseball bat vertically attached to the floor. This eventually results in them wobbling around the room while trying and failing to stay in a straight line. They slam into each other, resulting in bursts of chocolate milk and fireworks.

Genie puts on a red tuxedo and performs a tap-dance routine. The image is completed with a red top hat and a brown cane. Suddenly, the cane flips around on Genie and alters the scene completely. Now, Discord is performing the Moskau kicking dance while holding a blue cane in his crossed front limbs. Upon lip-syncing to a laughing line, he tosses the cane to the side.

The cane poofs into Genie's default form. He pulls another change of clothes out of thin air. This time, it looks like some generic street clothes consisting of slacks, a jacket, various necklaces and bracelets, sunglasses, and a sideways baseball cap. In response, Discord conjures a school of flying fish that somehow swim through the air without water or gravity. The fish grow piranha fangs and start chewing up Genie's new duds.

Undeterred, Genie spins himself around with tornado speed. He magically gathers his torn up threads and all of the fish into a giant sushi platter. Miniature clones of himself pop into existence and each pick up one piece of sushi. These clones jump over and toss their respective fish-filled rice at the draconequus's face. The master of chaos is covered in pieces of rice that stick to him.

Discord wipes his face with his claw. He then snaps his claw and summons a wine glass in his tail's grasp. He moves the glass up to his mouth and makes gulping noises. Though, each gulp seems to fill the glass with a purple liquid until the glass is completely full. He then tosses it forward, creating a burst that resembles a flash bang grenade. Luckily for Genie, the sunglasses take the gist of the blast and blinding damage before crumpling to dust.

In the excitement, Discord summons three giant pony statues from the royal garden and brings them to life. Each of them aims their respectively held item in a posture that makes them look prepared to attack. Genie claps his hands and summons an elephant form Abu. The monkey-minded elephant lets out a cross between a screech and a toot before charging forward. The giant ponies shake along with the room before getting run over.

Genie dons the outfit of Bob Ross and paints a pretty scene on a canvas. "Care to call this a draw?"

"Au contraire, Big Blue." Discord paints the ceiling with rather life-like images of the main six ponies. "I've only begun my masterpiece."

In the next instant, the two of them are in jerseys. Discord is dribbling a basketball while Genie holds out his arms defensively. After a couple fake-outs, Discord jumps up and performs three somersaults before aiming for a slam dunk. Somehow, Genie jumps up through the hoop and knocks the ball away with his chin. The basketball flies across the impromptu court and hits nothing but the opposing net.

Next thing we can see, both Genie and Discord are conducting their own orchestras in this same hallway. Choirs, violins, brass, and woodwinds make up the base melody. Then suddenly... cannons. Cannons fire in all directions, right on the exact beats for the instrumental sections.

Glass windows shatter. Walls suffer heavy dents and cracking damage. The few ponies that haven't gotten out yet soon find themselves painfully expelled out. Cut to a random shot of shooting stars in a distant night sky. Genie and Discord start using their conductor's wands as fencing rapiers against each other. Discord yanks Genie's beard clean off. Finally, Genie pulls Discord by the tail and immediately releases it.

The tail rolls back and ensnares the entirety of Discord's body. It resembles the sound of window blinders rolling up into themselves. Genie flicks the makeshift blinders away with a couple fingers. The decor flies off into the distance, tied together via a blue-and-red ribbon.

"So long, eh Lancie!"

I...I couldn't follow that at all! What the *eff* was going on?!

Your... guess is as good as mine. We really should start expecting nothing to make sense when a fight involves reality-breakers. Both Genie and Discord had properties that made them nearly unbeatable by anyone that relied on physics and lesser magics. Both had thought patterns that were unpredictable and both had powers that break all convention of what one can consider normal.

Discord even had an early lead in that his body was probably unlike any creature that Genie had personally faced before.

However, proof beats potential, and officially Genie has been around longer than the recorded lore that Discord has been around. With that being the case, Genie's total experience and time to hone his personal power is of a much greater quality.

But W, Genie can't kill anybody. That's against his own rules!

Ah, that may be true... if he were actually bound by the rules of subservient genies. However, Aladdin used his third wish to set Genie free. As far as we can tell, his magic has only been trumped in canon by Jafar, who had used his own third wish to become "the most powerful genie in the world". Yes, there is somebody more powerful than Genie, but that somebody isn't Discord. There was even a tea party in his own house that Discord was worried he'd be late for, unlike Genie who can at least cast Stop magic for a few seconds.

I suppose you've got a point. I mean, Genie was impersonating some comedic talents before they were even a big hit. Whereas, Discord has been shown to rely on comedians that already came and went. It's not out-of-bounds to say that Genie has practiced magic and nonsense that were beyond what Discord could immediately comprehend and counter.

Discord certainly put up a good fight of mind games. But ultimately experience, time, and natural talent gave the slight edge to the Genie.

Genie really wrapped this battle up. He Robin'ed the John de win. He really had the William for this fight.

D-Don't push it, B.

Hey, why so blue?

*sigh* The winner is Genie.

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Next time on Death Battle...

*A critical flash twinkles.* "You're gonna need stitches!"

*An eye twitches followed by a forced smile.* "Is there something I can help you with?"
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