//------------------------------// // Chapter 5 // Story: I Need to be Honest With You // by applepiedash //------------------------------// Applejack dropped her bag onto the floor and sat down on the bed next to Rainbow Dash. She stared out the window as a million more thoughts ran through her mind. “Do you want a drink, or some food?” Dash asked Applejack shook her head, “I ain’t hungry…” She felt sick already, she didn’t want to add to it. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell you any of this,” She continued to stare out of the window not wanting to make any eye contact with her friend. “It’s okay.” Dash put her arm around her friend. “Take your time. I won’t judge, I just want to help you.” Applejack glanced at Dash before looking down at the floor. She was silent. The right words were impossible to find. She didn’t know how to start the conversation. Was she supposed to say it explicitly or did she try to cover it up? “I…I can’t do this Dash. I just can’t tell you,” “I know something’s wrong and I can’t let you suffer by yourself, AJ.” Dash didn’t know what to do, she desperately wanted to help, but she couldn’t force Applejack to tell her something she didn’t want to share. She sat and looked at Applejack; she felt useless. “I’ve been dealing with it just fine by myself so far,” “Dealing with what though?” Applejack sighed, she knew she had to tell Dash, she wanted to tell her, she was just going to have to say it. “In here.” She pointed to her head, hoping that Rainbow would know what she meant. “In there. Are you sick? Is it serious?” “No, not like that,” “Like what then?” “I’m…” Applejack paused, that one word was so hard to say. “…I’m… depressed. Really depressed.” She continued to look down at the floor, not knowing what else to do and not wanting to see the look on her friend’s face right now. “I’m so sorry, AJ,” “Don’t be sorry, you got nothing to be sorry for,” “I just wish I’d been able to tell so I could’ve helped you earlier on,” Dash put her hand over Applejack’s, “how long has all this been going on?” “Years.” “Years? And you never told anyone?” “I couldn’t. You’re the first person to know.” “Wait, so your family doesn’t even know?” “Just you. And the doctor, but they don’t care.” “I’m sure they do.” “If by giving me medication and then not saying anything is their way of caring, then sure.” “You’re on medication for it?” Dash seemed shocked. She hadn’t expected Applejack to be that bad. “Was. I stopped taking it.” “Why would you do that?” “Wasn’t helping. I have other ways of coping.” “Like what? ‘Cause you didn’t seem to be coping too well at school today.” “Just other ways,” Applejack looked down at her legs to make sure she had no scars on show, that was the last thing she wanted Rainbow Dash to see. Rainbow noticed Applejack looking and she instantly knew what she meant by “other ways”. “AJ, have you, um…do you...” “…self harm? Yeah. I do.” She started to cry. “I look horrible, Dash. They’re disgusting. I can’t even look at them.” The tears streamed down her face despite her efforts to get them to stop. “But…but why? Why would you do that to yourself?” “’Cause I hate myself...” Rainbow felt an intense pain in her chest. It hurt hearing those words from her friend. She never knew Applejack felt that way, she always seemed so confident and happy in herself. “…and the physical pain takes away the emotional pain for a bit. It kinda relaxes me.” “Please don’t ever do it again.” “But I need to, Dash. It’s how I cope.” “No. You don’t need to. There’s other ways of coping, Applejack. You don’t have to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” “But I want to. You don’t understand.” “No. I don’t. But I can see you’re hurting and hurting yourself even more isn’t going to help fix that. You said yourself you can’t even look at them, maybe you’d feel better if they weren’t there.” “Having no cuts or scars on my legs ain’t gonna suddenly cure me,” she sounded angry; she knew no one would understand. This was exactly why she hadn’t told anyone. “I know. I mean, maybe you won’t hate yourself as much,” “I don’t hate myself ‘cause of that. It doesn’t help, but it’s a mix of everything.” “I’m sorry, AJ. I’m just trying to understand.” “And I appreciate it, truly I do, it’s just hard when you’re not dealing with it, y’know?” Rainbow nodded. “Can I give you a hug? You look like you could use a hug.” Applejack shuffled a bit closer to Dash and they hugged, making Applejack cry even more. “I’m sorry for being such a mess, I hate crying in front of people.” “Applejack, it’s me, I don’t care how much of a mess you are, I mean, look at my room.” Applejack smiled for what felt like the first time in forever. She felt relieved for finally telling Dash what was going on, but there was still something else she had to say, something she knew would be even harder to say than everything else. “Uh, Dash?” “Yeah?” “There’s something else I feel like you should know.” “Sure, go ahead.” “Remember last year, when I was off school for a month because of a family emergency out of town?” “Er yeah, what about it?” “There was no family emergency.” “So where were you?” Applejack sighed. “In hospital.” “What? Why?” Come on Applejack, you can do this, it’s just Rainbow Dash, your best friend, she won’t judge. “There ain’t no easy way of saying this…but…I…” The tears started to flow once more as she looked away from her friend, she couldn’t make eye contact whilst saying what she was about to say. “…I…I tried…I tried to…” “Applejack, it’s okay, breathe.” “I tried to kill myself, Dash, there ain’t nothing okay about that.” “What? No! Please tell me you didn’t.” “I don’t lie and I certainly wouldn’t lie about that.” Rainbow broke down into tears. “D…do you wish you’d been successful?” Applejack let out a very broken “uh-huh.” “And do you still feel that way? Suicidal, I mean.” “Almost every day… People have this idea that being suicidal means overdosing or jumping of a bridge, but it ain’t like that, not always.” Applejack looked up at Rainbow, she could tell she was listening, trying so hard to understand and for the first time ever she felt like someone genuinely cared. “Sometimes, I’ll be waiting to cross the street and think to myself ‘if I stepped out now, this could all be an accident’ or not cooking something right and hoping I get sick and die.” “I’m so so sorry AJ. I’m sorry you deal with that daily and I’ve never done anything to help you or even noticed any of this.” Dash’s voice was broken, she was feeling so much pain for her friend. She’d never expected Applejack to be going through any of that, it hurt to see her suffering. “Please don’t be sorry. I hide it, every day, from everyone. I know I’m s‘posed to be honest, but lying was easier…” Rainbow sat in silence. She didn’t know what to say, she’d never had to talk about anything like this before and it was impossible trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry for dumping this on you. You probably have your own shit without needing mine added to it. I should never have told you.” “No, I don’t, nothing compared to this anyway. You never have to hide it from me, please remember that.” “I can’t hide it anymore, I have no energy. I need help Dash, I really need help, I don’t know what to do anymore.” Applejack started crying even harder, she felt weak, she didn’t feel like Applejack, not anymore. “And I’m gonna help you get that help. I can’t let you suffer anymore, Applejack, I can see you’re hurting and I don't want that to be happening. I’m here for you. I’m always going to be here.”