Okay, circumstacnes have forced me to update this earlier than I planned. I will be going away for a week on an archaeological dig so sadly there will be no Wednesday update. I should return next Saturday with a brand new chapter.
Once again, thank you to PieisGood4U for editing.
And now an archaeology joke. What is the difference between archaeology and grave robbing?
About a thousand years
If you didn't enjoy that joke then I sure hope you enjoy the chapter instead.
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The guard dogs had been swift in their removal of me from the Hole, efficiently grabbing me and taking me out of the cage before any of the prisoners could get any ideas about escaping. After a couple of minutes of being dragged along by two burly dogs, my hooves dragging against the floor causing a painful scraping sound which made the dog’s ears flick in annoyance, I was thrown into a circle of sand.
After pulling myself up, and spitting out some grains that got into my mouth, I turned to observe this fresh new cavern I found myself in. This one was shaped far differently to the other two I had viewed so far. Rather than the cavernous expanses of the throne room and the Hole, this chamber was done in the style of a coliseum. Around the pit that I found myself in there was a ring of seating carved out of the rock. There was also a throne in the prime seating position, slightly smaller than the great seat in the throne room. I guess this was Redtooth’s equivalent of a home away from home.
A gong rang out from somewhere I couldn’t see, followed by the sound of scuffling feet. Diamond Dogs began to take their seats around the arena, some of them slavering at the thought of the fresh violence to come. Even Redtooth had shown up to watch me get my ass handed to me, so that was nice. That’s what I like to see from my insane slave masters, good manners. They are so rare nowadays.
Across the ring from me there was a large iron portcullis gate which, at the height of a drum roll that one of the dogs had started, began to slowly rise to reveal a forbidding darkness. I had to admit, for sheer intimidation factor I would have given the dogs a high ten…that is, if I weren’t so concerned about the imminent goring I was about to receive.
There was a snuffling from the darkness. A beastly snort followed by the pawing of hooves upon soft sand. I felt the ground tremble underneath me and noticed with horrified curiosity as grains of sand began to leap into the air at the approaching steps of the champion. As he emerged from the darkness all I could think was that I wished he would go back in. The huge minotaur had to duck underneath the opening just to get inside the sand ring, his horns scraping the top of the arch. Maybe, Redtooth wasn’t as crazy as he seemed, I mean, there must still be some rationality in that addled brain if he had the sense to be scared of this beast.
The beast in question was around nine foot tall, the shadow he cast from the light of guttering torches enveloped my meagre 5’6” frame. His steel blue coat was shaggy and uncut whilst his horns were sharp and red at the tip. In between his horns was a mane that may have once been styled into a Mohawk style but had long since overgrown due to a lack of proper grooming. Around his neck there was a strip of black cloth which, if I had to take a guess, looked a bit like the tattered remains of a tie.
Hey, I think I know this guy.
“Iron Will?”
In response Iron Will, if this giant rage monster really was him, just lowered his head and charged at me, horns glinting in the light. I let out a startled yelp and threw myself to the side as he charged past me, barely avoiding his massive bulk. I’m going to have to be really careful, one hit like that would pulverise me.
Iron had managed to halt his charge and turn around, bloodshot eyes hunting furiously for his prey. I caught a glimpse of those eyes as they locked onto me and saw nothing but rage, terrible all-consuming rage. My contemplation of what had caused the Iron Will I had seen in the show to become like this was cut short as I was forced to throw myself to the side once more. One of Iron Will’s swinging arms managed to catch my right leg as I dived and I felt a sharp pain travel from my ankle and up my thigh. As I picked myself up from my combat roll I assessed the damage of the wild strike. My right ankle didn’t look quite right and a quick test found out that I couldn’t put much weight on it. Twisted ankle, that’s really not good.
Iron Will was charging again, noticing that his prey was weakened. I couldn’t dodge it, not with this leg, and I couldn’t exactly hobble out of the way. I did the one thing that I could do, the only thing that came to mind. Working on some instinct that told humans what to do if in the way of a stampede, I threw myself to the ground, curling up into the fetal position, legs tucked up to protect my chest and arms covering my head. To any observers it may have looked like I had just tucked my head between my legs and kissed my ass goodbye. Certainly felt like I had.
The thundering hooves charged closer, each blow reverberating through the earth to vibrate my prone body. I waited and waited, expecting my head to be crushed by a giant hoof, or my spine to snap under the weight of a huge minotaur. But nothing came.
Cautiously I looked up, removing my head from the protective cage of my arms. Iron Will had passed directly over me, his large stride bypassing my slim frame. He now stood behind me, his head swinging around as he hunted for his opponent. Why hadn’t he seen me?
It took me a moment to realise the situation. His enormous muzzle was preventing him from looking directly down. If he had been in his right mind then this would have been no problem, he could have simply lowered his head until I entered his vision, but to the enraged minotaur towering above me the lowering of his head was an act of submission the primal parts of his brain refused to accept. Due to this animal stubbornness from the rage centres of his brain, I was bestially invisible so long as I stayed low enough.
In a hurry I scurried away from him, still staying low and terrified that he might accidentally crush me in his hunt for prey. Still lying on the ground I managed to reach the other side of the arena and put my back to the stone wall. How was I supposed to get out of this? How did I even get into this? What had happened to my lucky streak? Since coming to Equestria not a single thing had gone my way. How was I supposed to get my luck on my side again?
A single phrase came to mind. A phrase I had not considered much in the past but appeared to have a whole new meaning after my recent run-in with divinity.
Fortune favours the brave.
Fortune. Otherwise known as luck. All right then, I think I know what I have to do know.
Time to get lucky.
I rose to my hooves, straightening my back and puffing my chest out in a clear sign of challenge to any predators.
“Hey! Over here, you big overgrown cow!”
Iron Will’s head immediately snapped round towards me, his red eyes locking onto me. I felt a chill of fear go through me at the animal rage in those orbs, but held firm to the plan.
“Yeah, come on! Come get some! Look at this fine rump! Bet you’d like a piece of me with a side of gravy! Come on then!”
As I shouted this taunt I flipped round to show him my rear, slapping it a couple of times to really get the point across. Throwing a glance over my shoulder I saw Iron Will scrape the ground a couple of times with his hoof, before lowering his head and charging.
Goddess, don’t fail me now.
As Iron Will began his charge I prepared myself for what I was about to do, tensing up my legs in preparation. That thunderous gait approached me like the rolling thunder of an oncoming storm yet still I waited, my back turned to the roaring beast Iron Will had become.
Now!
I leapt up into the air, tensed legs throwing me as high as they could and, at the peak of my rapid ascent, kicked out again in the strongest buck I could manage. Not against Iron Will, for I doubted one singular strike could bring him down, but instead at the wall I was facing. The force of the blow sent me flying backwards, another agonising bolt going through my twisted ankle. I was sent soaring backwards over the charge of Iron Will, who barely had time to realise what had happened before he slammed into the wall horns first.
And stuck there.
Terrible roars came from him as he realised that his prey had escaped him once again, not only escaped but had also managed to trick him. He placed his titanic arms against the wall and heaved his head back, but to no avail, the horns appeared to be stuck fast in the stone. I had to act quickly, not sure how long that would hold him for. I approached him warily, careful for any kicks from those mighty legs, but Iron Will seemed absorbed in trying to free himself. Quickly, I leapt upon his back, hands gripping his shaggy fur as my hooves scrabbled for purchase. I climbed up until I was stood on top of his head. He attempted to flail at me but his own overgrown shoulder muscles prevented the proper movement of his arms. I grinned down at him. I couldn’t help but enjoy my triumph over this colossal creature, even if it wasn’t the proper Iron Will. Whatever had happened to him, whatever these dogs had done to the assertive seminar teacher from the show, was clearly affecting his mind. Hopefully what I was about to do would help him snap out of it. That didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it a bit.
“Allow me to show you the dance of my people”
With that declaration I began to dance. Starting of as a quick jig, barely more than a light tapping really, but progressing to a greater intensity as the music in my head began to grow swifter and swifter. The beat of the drums echoed in the beat of my hooves against Iron Will’s cranium. Moans of pain came from underneath me, yet I persisted, hoping that my less than tender administrations would be able to help the enraged beast. I began to whistle as I went about my brutal work, following the tune of the song in my head. As my hooves continued to slam down on Iron Will’s head they synched up nicely with my jaunty whistling and I felt the muscles beneath me begin to sag. It must be true what they say, music really does sooth the raging beast. Feeling the conclusion of the song coming up I leapt into the air once more, ignoring the inferno of pain that ran through my right leg, with a roar rivalling those that had been unleashed by Iron Will throughout our confrontation I slammed my hooves down hard into his skull. He slumped underneath me, finally giving up his struggles and collapsing into blissful unconsciousness.
I think I might be joining him in sweet rest soon, the blaze of pain in my leg had gone past any inferno. It now felt as if someone had replaced my bone with a river of magma. I guess I had overexerted the twist and it had evolved into a break. Damn, I’m not going to be moving too fast for a while.
I had just enough energy to stumble off of Iron Will’s back and limp over to where Redtooth was looking down at his defeated champion in shock, his huge canine jaw hanging open and his eyes, which had seemed so beady and small, were now opened wide to the point where it looked like they were about to escape his face and make a bid for freedom.
I felt a cocky smile pull at my jaw as I raised my hand and flipped the huge dog a middle finger salute, just before I passed out from the pain.
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I didn't really want to end a chapter with the protagonist falling unconscious as it has been done so many times before. Especially in HiE fics. Seriously, those guys are either the flightiest bunch of pansies in the world or have chronic narcolepsy.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter as it was essentially one big fight scene. Now try and go through and find out how many times I used a synonym for 'big' in this. Honestly I had to break out a Sweetie Belle...I mean a dictionary just so I didn't feel like I was repeating myself.
Barrel-of-fun