//------------------------------// // Standing Tall, Hanging Low // Story: Just a Little Batty // by I Thought I Was Toast //------------------------------// My limbs tingled as the halfway point came into view. It was a good feeling, and I wished I could just keep cantering on, but I knew what seeing the gate to Sweet Apple Acres meant. I looked to the sky—careful to avoid looking at the harsh, blazing sun on the horizon—and picked out Sergeant Smiles as she glided close by to keep an eye on us. Her gaze swept over me and my troops, making sure we stayed in rank and file as I led us through our morning gallop. We reached the gate and her whistle sounded—as expected—so I cut left into the property. Two, four, six, eight. Inhale for six. Exhale for two. Beat my wings to match. I continued to set both the rhythm and pace of the canter with my hooves and wings. Our hooves were all supposed to pound in time with each other, but I could hear some of the other cadets starting to fall out of rhythm. A quick glance back showed a few were starting to lag just the tiniest bit, and I could tell Sergeant Smiles had made the right call with how most of the pegasi were flailing their wings in a not-so-steady beat. Oh, how I couldn’t wait for everypony to catch up with me. “Slow and steady wins the race! Take it to a snail’s pace!” The careful balance I’d struck broke as I spent the extra air bellowing at my troops. My lungs burned a little from the order, but I ignored it as best I could. The others—sans Apple Bloom, Rumble, and Scoots—were in much worse shape, so I really had no right to complain. Still, I began to settle into a canter. The ponies behind me continued to follow me, slowing down. When I was sure they had matched my new speed, I slowed again. And again. Rinse and repeat as we passed rows and rows of trees, continuing until we settled into a tired march. “At home I have a-waiting, an a-grade apple pie!~” Now that I could afford some air again, I restarted the cadence to keep the flailing ranks in line. “Baked golden-brown with honey glaze, it always makes me fly!~” My little soldiers called back instantly in time. “I eat it hot and gooey, with whipped cream mighty fine!~” “It tastes great and it smells great, and darling she’s all mine!~” “Sound off!” “Two, four! “Sound off!” “Six, eight!” “Cadence count!” “Two, four, six, eight! Two, four… six-eight!” “Hoo-wee! Is that a hungry troop of foals I hear?!” Apple Bloom’s sister called out over the farm. The loud, metallic clanging of a very beat-up triangle rang out through the orchard, breaking the spell of the cadence. Everypony else perked up at the noise, but I cringed at the way it shattered our discipline so easily. “Soup’s on, everypony!” The promise of both a break and breakfast was too much for the troops. They broke, routing past me in a chorus of squeals and whinnies, and I tried not to sigh. Looks like I was finishing the march on my own again. They didn’t know any better—not like I did. The Junior Guard might not be a game for them anymore, but they still didn’t treat our training with the seriousness it deserved. I should have called them on it. I had the right to as Platoon Commander. It was my job to make sure we didn’t embarrass ourselves in front of the Sergeant, but— “Well now, Dark Horse, shouldn’t you be galloping after your friends?” Sergeant Smiles landed next to me and gave a wrinkly smile. The shouty lines in her face crinkled up warmly, pretending to be laugh lines. She didn’t seem to want to discipline them for obvious infractions. “They broke rank again, Ma’am….” I heaved a long and heavy sigh. “They always do. We should be cleaning toilets with toothbrushes for life with how often that happens.” “They’re foals!” Sergeant Smiles laughed. “You’re a foal, too! What foal doesn’t break into a sprint knowing they’ve got some tasty apple pie waiting for them?!” I had to fight not to pout. Discipline demanded I keep cool and collected, and I had already allowed myself the luxury of a sigh. Sergeant Smiles looked down when I didn’t join with her and snorted. “Look, cadet, I admire your gumption—I really do—but sometimes you need to remember you aren’t actually in the Guard yet. I’m not going to harp on you for a job well done. Do you know how many Junior Guard Divisions keep this much fresh meat?” Shaking her head, Sergeant Smiles tsked. “By this point, the daily runs and exercises have weeded out those unfit to continue. Usually, a platoon ends up as a close-knit bunch, a single squad of eight to twelve strong.” I said nothing, letting my superior talk as I continued my slow and steady march down the orchard, the sergeant walking beside me. “Ponyville has a gobsmacking twenty-five of their first-year recruits still. Twenty-five, cadet! Any platoon that size is bound to be chaotic.” “That doesn’t excuse poor discipline.” I frowned. “It sure as Tartarus don’t, Dark Horse!” Sergeant Smiles smacked me on my withers, almost knocking me out of my rhythm. She grinned widely as I stumbled, but she grinned even more as I quickly resumed my pace, barely missing a step. “We both just have more work cut out for us, don’t we?!” “Ma’am, yes Ma’am!” My shrill was squeak. “I can’t hear you!” Sergeant Smiles bellowed. “Ma’am, yes Ma’am!” My shout penetrated the trees. We remained silent after that until we rounded a bend in the orchard, and came upon a massive banquet table stacked high with food—most of it apple-themed. Coming to a stop, I stood at attention and waited for permission to join the others. Sergeant Smiles eyed me for a minute before snorting in amusement. “Dismissed, soldier.” She waved me towards my friends, and I broke my salute. Break time! Now that I was dismissed, I cantered up to the table and looked over everypony—all of them smiling and laughing. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were stuffing their faces with pie. Diamond and Silver were biting into crisp, fresh-picked apples. And in the middle of it all was Sweetie Belle, singing the rest of the colts and fillies a song. Morale was high, and I couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Then, my stomach growled loud enough for everypony to stop and look at me. That wiped the smile right off my face and left me squirming in place. I tried to be stoic and calm, like Dad on duty, but the sun was like the worst spotlight ever. It was hot and itchy and left me exposed in brilliant whiteness even as it bled through the orchard’s trees. By the stars, why won’t somepony say anything? Finally, after what felt like an eternity of waiting, there was a snicker, a storm of giggles quickly following before everypony went back to eating. “I think you’d better feed the beast.” Apple Bloom tossed me an apple, and my stomach grumbled with discontent as I caught the fruit in my hoof and quickly drained it of its fluids. “Thanks.” It was the polite thing to do, even if it didn’t really help my hunger. Looking around showed precious few bugs, but I did spy a butterfly or two. Waggling my rump as I stalked my prey wasn’t an option with so many prying eyes, so I instead crept closer to my meal, a hoof or two at a time. Every few steps, I’d whistle like nothing was wrong until I was sure the butterfly wasn’t paying attention. Then I’d shuffle a few more steps forward and wait. Eventually, I was close enough that I just stood still and waited like a statue as they drifted around me. All I needed was for one to land on me and— Crunch! “Achoo!” Even in my victory, the fiend had its revenge, tickling my nose as it landed on it to sabotage my attempts at a fresh lunch. “Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!” Butterfly bits and sticky snot now dampened my foreleg. Eww…. I wiped them on the ground before me—ignoring everypony’s giggles—and looked for other prey. Sadly, the other butterflies seemed to have wisened up and fled. I snorted in irritation, and sneezed one final time, before emitting a few clicks to check for more elusive bugs. There were some crickets, a well-hidden beetle or two, and a centipede that was— Ooh, no! That was a millipede! That was a real treat; I could already imagine the feeling of hundreds of legs tickling the back of my throat as it descended down my gullet. Mmm…. To Tartarus with keeping decorum, that millipede would be mine! With a hork, I spat just the tiniest bit of drool aside, and I sank low to the ground to slink between the apple trees. A few ponies giggled, and I felt a heat creep up my neck. This wasn’t platoon commander behavior, and I should stop before— My tail twitched at the sound of Sergeant Smiles’ chuckles. A tiny whip crack rang out with the motion. My wings rustled loudly as I squirmed. Well, loudly for a hunter, at least. Already a few crickets were bolting, disturbed by the needless motion. Such shame was nothing, however, compared to the shame of being caught red-hoofed by my superior so soon after our talk coming in. She’d outright said she had expected my help in instilling a sense of discipline, and here I was— “I see you already took the first part of our talk to heart, Dark Horse.” Sergeant Smiles smiled the smile of a venus fly trap that spied a fat, delicious horsefly. “Just don’t forget the second part and you’ll hear no complaints from me.” “Ma’am, yes Ma’am?” I squeaked, torn between standing to salute and keeping position on the ground. Right… I had forgotten…. She wanted me to act my age. That was good. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, then. I could hunt butterflies and millipedes as much as I wanted, and I didn’t have to stand stock still when my hunger betrayed me. She also wanted me to be the bigger pony and set an example for the troops, though. That was bad. Good soldiers didn’t waggle their butts in the air as they hunted lunch. They were calm and collected, and they didn’t squirm when ponies stared at them or their grumbling tummy. It was a conflict of interests, wasn’t it? My stomach growled again. Maybe an actual meal would help me sort things out? I gave another click and found the millipede had foalishly stuck around. I slunk through the trees towards where it was skittering along, sending out a click every few seconds to confirm its location. When I reached about a meter away, I froze and cast my gaze about. It was here. I was sure of that. I just needed— There! I lunged as I saw the little bugger trying to flee into a hole between some roots. It flailed helplessly as I grabbed it and held it up—the many legs wriggling in a way that just begged to be eaten. “Score! Just look at you!” It was the length of my foreleg and about a third of the width. I’d only seen larger at the zoo, and I’d certainly never dreamed of eating something so mouthwateringly huge. I had to wonder if I could take it in one bite, legs gleefully tickling me the whole way down. Then, it snapped its mandibles angrily at me, and I decided it was better not to risk being eaten from the inside out. I broke the head off in one bite to end it quickly, and—glory to the stars above—the legs kept wriggling. I squealed in delight at the sight and quickly slurped down the rest before it realized there was no head. The feeling of it as it traveled down to my stomach sent tingles down my spine, and I hummed in happiness before turning to head back to the others. A stunned Diamond was waiting for me by the nearest tree, her mouth agape from having watched me take my meal. She stood still for a few moments before a long, wracking shiver travelled through her body. As it hit her head, she gagged once or twice, but she quickly schooled her expression as it passed. Taking a deep breath, she smirked. “You are so gross sometimes.” “It’s good!” I shrugged. “You’re batty!” Diamond stuck her tongue out at me. “What do you call it? You’re a loon under moon?” “I wish,” I giggled. “More like a sunstroked bat.” “So… are you feeling better now?” Diamond moved forward to put a hoof on my withers. “You seemed a little… off… back with everypony else. Was it something the sergeant said?” “Kind of….” I sheepishly rubbed my foreleg and poked at the ground. “She wants me to set an example—to lead you like I’ve been doing—but she also wants me to act my age.” I gulped. “I just don’t get how I can do both. Her orders conflict with each other, don’t they?” “You’re telling me that the filly who told me we’re too young to be thinking about colts is worried about acting her age?” Diamond arched her brow. “Yes?” “Idiot.” Diamond snorted, smirking as she slugged me in the shoulder. “You’re so stupid sometimes, you know that?” “I’m… sorry?” My ears twitched and swiveled a bit before they fell flat against my head. “Night…” Diamond tsked. “Do you really not get that you set an example for us every day, even when we aren’t playing at being guards? You’re one of the most mature fillies in school.” She winked. “At least, you are when it comes to certain things. You might not be so good when it comes to crushes, but you always hoof your homework in, and you take time to help the others in class. Your grades are easily in the top ten because you take school seriously.” “What are you getting at, Diamond?” I tilted my head to the side. “You have this really weird idea that just because we’re foals we aren’t capable of more.” Diamond shrugged. “You think setting an example means acting older than you are when it really doesn’t.” She grinned. “I mean, just look at Pinkie Pie. Even as an adult, she loves acting like a foal. Annoying as it is sometimes, it’s part of who she is.” “So I just keep doing what I’ve been doing?” I blinked. “Yep!” Diamond slugged me again. “As long as you remember that you’re not in the actual Guard, you should be fine.” I blinked owlishly a few more times, staring into the white sky above me before smiling. “Thanks, Diamond. That actually helps a lot.” “No problem,” Diamond giggled. “Us super mature fillies need to stick together, you know?” “You’re mature?” I grinned, sticking my tongue out at her. Her giggles turned into a smiling huff. “I’m more mature than you, that’s for sure.” “Are not.” “Are too.” “Are not.” “Are too.” “Don’t make me pull rank, missy.” Diamond laughed, and I smirked at my clear victory. “Alright, maggots, time to see if we can turn you into flies!” Sergeant Smiles’ shout scared a few birds from their trees. Horseapples. Was it time already? I glanced towards the horizon to see the sun peeking out of the tops of the trees. Muttering a word that only Dad could use, I cantered back towards where the others had been. “Line up! Fall in!” I gave a squeaky shout. “There’s still another half of Ponyville to go!” Diamond was right behind me, and she quickly joined the jumble of ponies milling about as we came back. It took a little longer than I would have liked, but I only had to do a minor bit of poking and prodding to get everypony where they needed to be. Once everypony was ready, I cantered to the front and stood facing them all. “Attention!” I stomped a hoof into the ground before doing an about-face and saluting Sergeant Smiles. “Ma’am, yes Ma’am!” they chorused back with a well-timed stomp of hooves. I had to bite my tongue not to correct them on addressing me that way. My stillness was far more important than their mistake. Sergeant Smiles was frowning at us, almost glaring, but I held still and resisted the urge to squirm. With any luck, the troops would see me and follow. The glare was a test. It was always a test. As long as I kept that in mind, I knew I could keep still. Probably. Ah! There it was! I doubted the others could see it, but a few of the sergeant’s shouty lines crinkled up rather than down, and there was a sparkle to her eyes. To everypony else, it probably looked like she was glowering even more, but Dad had told me what to look for. I stood a little taller, and puffed my chest out a little more. “Hrmm….” She marched past me to more closely scrutinize the troops behind me. My ears swiveled and strained to catch the sound of ponies squeaking or shuffling hooves, the sergeant no doubt invading their personal space to get a reaction. I heard nothing but the slow, methodical clop of Sergeant Smiles’ hooves, however, and couldn’t help but grin. “I guess you all pass for today, cadets.” The sergeant trotted past me again, and I quickly schooled my face. “All except the Dark Horse here, that is!” She turned to me with a sinister smile. “Apparently, she’s so high and mighty she thinks she can get away with a smirk! Platoon Commander Nightingale, do you know what we do with smirkers in the Guard?!” “You make examples of them, Ma’am!” I squeaked, standing tall. “And do you know just how we do that, Dark Horse?!” “You make them feel the hunger of the sun, Ma’am! You burn them alive in the sun-blasted heat, and you leave them to marinate in their own sweat until they drop to the ground!” “Right you are, Dark Horse!” Smiles grinned. “So do you know what I’m going to do to you?!” “Push ups when we get back to the castle, Ma’am?!” “No, Dark Horse! What do you take me for?!” She reached into her saddle bags. “You’re going to feel the burn today, cadet! Don’t think I haven’t noticed you moseying along after our runs! You should be just as tired as everypony else, and these will help you with that!” She pulled out a set of leg weights, and I had to fight not to smile again. “Ma’am, thank you, Ma’am! I was looking for more of a challenge!” My squeak was just a bit shriller than normal. “You trying to get wise with me, Dark Horse?!” Sergeant Smiles’ eyes were twinkling now as she grinned. “Ma’am, no Ma’am!” I saluted with just a little more vigor and quickly put the weights on as she tossed them to me. “Guard ponies are weird….” Scootaloo’s hushed whisper made my ears twitch. “Alright, cadets! Let’s move out!” Sergeant Smiles bellowed. “And don’t expect me to go easy on you just because you passed one inspection! You maggots haven’t even managed to complete your run without a break yet! Starting tomorrow, you can expect your pre-run exercises to buck it up a notch or two!” The foals behind me failed to keep in their groans, so I had to act fast. “You heard the sergeant!” I shouted. “Go! Go! Go! March like you mean it, mares! Strut like you were born to, stallions!” I started marching slowly forwards again, my hooves setting the beginning beat for our cadence. “Cadet Sweetie Belle! If you’d be so kind as to join me in leading the cadence this time!” As we started up in a thunder of mismatched hooves, Sweetie’s voice joined mine to help everypony match my pace. Soon, our hooves drummed in unison, and I picked up the pace. Eventually, we were going too fast to keep up the cadence again. Two. Four. Six. Eight. Inhale for six. Exhale for two. Beat my wings to match. We charged forward with nothing but the sound of our hoofsteps thundering down upon the earth; I grinned at the tingly feeling of my legs lifting their weights. They were just heavy enough to make a noticable difference. With any luck, I’d actually want a break when we finally finished our lap of Ponyville. “Eurgh… I’m so bored.” Scoots dragged a forehoof slowly down her face and slumped to the floor. “How long until we get to sparring?” I risked glancing at the sun outside the window in front of us—a section of sky that burned whiter than white and hurt to look at even with my glasses. It left white spots in my field of view, and I had to blink them away before looking down to Ponyville for more landmarks. “At least another few hours,” I finally answered. “It’s not even noon yet.” “Aww… This is going to take forever, then!” Scoots stomped a hoof and made far too much noise for comfort. The sergeant had to have heard that on her rounds. I stood a little taller, just in case, and tried to ignore all the sparkling crystal. Door duty was never fun, but it was even less fun when my partner complained and the hall itself was trying to burn my eyes out. A few white spots still persisted from my glance at the hungry, burning behemoth in the sky, and I had to surrender to the urge to close my eyes for a bit. With several clicks every few seconds, I kept myself aware of the comings and goings—or lack of them—and waited for the telltale warnings of the sergeant. The clopping of hooves on crystal. The heavy, measured pace of a slow march that echoed through the empty halls. She wanted to be heard ahead of time by those who bothered to listen. Sure enough, I soon heard her coming far before she turned the corner. I had no idea exactly how close she was, though. The emptiness of the halls made it hard to tell. “Sarge is coming,” I reported to Scootaloo, and she quickly flailed back to attention with a squawk. I risked peeking my eyes open again to see if the rampant swarms of sparkles would try pecking my eyes out again. Thankfully, the stars had been merciful and a cloud had drifted in front of the window. Several of the beastly mini suns had calmed for now, and I could actually look up and down the entire hall without needing to squint behind my glasses. “I have no idea how Dad works like this….” I grunted. “This—” I cut myself off before I could say a certain word. “—castle is going to be the death of me. I swear it’s going to make me blind before I even get to boot camp.” “Is it that bad?” Scootaloo tilted her head to the side as she glanced up and down the hall. “Posture.” I gave a squeaky snort, and she snapped her head back to attention. “And yes, sometimes it really is that bad here. Dad’s looking into some extra-strength shades for me.” “Bummer.” Scoots blinked, but she didn’t break posture again. “Yeah, but at least Mom and Dad are still letting me come on Sundays. I was a little worried they’d tell me to stop.” My ears swiveled as Sergeant Smiles’ hoofsteps came to a halt. “The Sarge reached the station before us, I think.” I strained my ears harder. “Must be taking things seriously after last time. They haven’t made a peep all—” The echo of a door slamming loudly banged down the halls. “Up and at’em, lads! You just let the enemy through without a fight! You want some action?! You got it! Two laps through the castle and an apology to Princess Twilight for letting the bad guy through!” Two audible whinnies of distress came soon after, and two colts rushed past us like the fires of Tartarus were after them. “That’s why I slugged you when you fell asleep last time, by the way.” I kept my head looking forward, unsure if Sergeant Smiles would still be displeased when she got to us. “That’s the one thing you never, ever want to do.” I flicked an ear, trying to properly pick out the sergeant’s hooves from the mad gallop of the colts. “I’m really surprised we managed to last this long without it coming up, though. Door duty is so…” I trailed off. “Boring,” Scootaloo muttered darkly. “School is more fun than this, Night.” “You say that every week, Scoots, yet you still keep coming back.” I fought to keep a grin off my face. “Well, duh!” Scoots huffed. “As boring as being a wallflower is, the rest is kinda cool.” “Even the charity work?” I couldn’t hide the grin anymore. “You know what I mean.” Scoots snorted, but held still for the most part. It was a good thing, too, because at that point, Sergeant Smiles came around the corner down the hall from her. I had to quickly guard my expression before the sergeant got a good look at me, but Scoots was a-okay. “Well now, Dark Horse, you’re looking mighty happy there. Want me to give you the genuine Guard treatment, or should I look the other way?” “Nothing to look away from, Ma’am!” I squeaked and saluted. “If you wish it, then dish it!” Sergeant Smiles shook her head and chuckled. “Dish what now, squirt? All I see is a filly having some fun with her friend. Carry on, cadets, and make sure I don’t catch you slacking.” Her eyes hardened for a moment. “Sleeping on the job is serious business.” With a nod, she marched on to continue her patrol. Scoots slouched the instant Sergeant Smiles turned the corner, and I resisted the urge to slug her in the shoulder again. Doubling back was a tried and true method of catching cadets off guard, but the sergeant wasn’t out to get us. At least, in the Junior Guard. I might want to warn those colts to double down when they come by on their second lap just in case, though. Sleeping on the job this far into things…. I mean, really. “Mrglmmff….” Scootaloo exhaled. “Come on, Night! I’m so bored! How much time we got left?” “It hasn’t even been ten minutes since I checked.” I rolled my eyes. “Hrrg!” Scoots grimaced, clutching her chest as if my answer wounded her. “Night, I—” She choked. “Night, I can’t last much longer.” “It’ll be about another half an hour at most, Scootaloo,” I snorted. “Don’t be such a drama queen.” “No, Night, I have to go.” Scootaloo squirmed a little as I blinked incredulously at her. “I have to go right now. I had like, five cups of juice today back at Sweet Apple Acres.” “Then go.” I finally waved a hoof down the hall towards where Sergeant Smiles first appeared. “We’re in groups of two for a reason. You should have said something earlier. I’ll cover things for you while you do your business.” “But I thought we had to stand here the whole time?” “Not to the point of stupidity!” I rustled my wings. “Don’t tell me you thought guards stood in place for eight hour shifts with bladders of steel or something?!” “Well…” “Just go…” I sighed. “And try to be here before Sergeant Smiles gets back.” By the stars, I hated litter duty. I stabbed a can with my little spear and quickly added it to my bag. It was so rare for ponies to litter in Ponyville that I usually ended up just wandering around the park for thirty minutes doing— What?! Another one! Score! Oh! And there was a third! A fourth! A fifth! I’d heard rumors that Pinkie was throwing a party in the park today, but I didn’t expect it to help much. She was always so good about cleanup that I figured there would be even less garbage than usual. I soon found a sixth can and a seventh. A trail of cans was leading me straight to the center of the park. I hadn’t seen this much garbage on the ground since that time Dad took me to Manehatten, and as I rounded a couple trees and bushes to get one last can I found myself boggling at the remains of Pinkie’s party. Unlike usual, there were heaps of trash left everywhere. There were piles of cans to clean up—formations of metal stacked like dominoes or in pyramids—while paper napkins and plates blew in the breeze. Boxes of unused garbage bags sat piled on tables wrapped in bows like presents, and a banner strung between the trees read, ‘Happy Hot Garbage Party! Leave as much as you want, and show our Junior Guard you care!’ “Guys, I think I may need backup over here!” I bellowed out, hoping somepony would hear me. There was no response, and my heart began to race a little at the prospect of facing this battle alone. Could I actually do it? There was only one way to find out. “Have at thee!” Hefting my spear, I gave a mighty squeak and charged into the fray. Giggling, I happily stabbed can after can after can, finally able to get something productive done during the worst part of every Sunday. Lunch had come later than normal. Once the others had found me fighting an army of cans and paper plates, we’d had to stay and clean it all up. Two or three times. Violently puncturing everything with little spears. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who hated having nothing to do on litter duty. “Alright, cadets! You know what time it is!” Sergeant Smiles looked down at us all as we saluted her. “We were going to start with spears today, but I think you all got enough practice with that earlier. Today… Today we’re going to work with quarterstaves….” “What?! Really?! Screeheeheeheeheeheehee!” I couldn’t help it. I pronked in circles while everypony else chatted up a storm. It was our first weapons class, after all. “Attention!” Sergeant Smiles snapped, and I instantly returned to my salute with my tail between my legs. Everypony else was too excited to hear. “Attention!” I bellowed, and a few ponies looked over. Poking their friends and snapping out a salute, everypony slowly returned to listening. Sergeant Smiles glowered at us all for a moment before chuckling. “As I was saying, we’ll be working with quarterstaves today. They aren’t exactly the most elegant weapon. All they really are is a well-crafted stick, but they’re the only other wooden weapon we’ve got in stock for you right now.” “Why not the spear, though, Ma’am?!” Insubordinate as ever, Rumble was the one to call out. Sergeant Smiles gave a bark of laughter. “You all did such a wonderful job showing the Princess the dangers of wielding spears that I’m going to have to butter her up again.” I squirmed inwardly at the memory of Princess Twilight Sparkle flying in to fetch us for lunch. She’d screamed louder than a banshee as we had turned her checklist into swiss cheese when we mistook it for litter. I’d thought it weird she’d come to get us herself, and that lunch had been so big, but if there had been plans to start us on wooden spears today… “Sorry for failing you, Ma’am!” I stomped a hoof into the floor and made my salute a bit crisper. “Sorry, Ma’am!” Everypony else did likewise. Sergeant Smiles just chuckled and waved me off. She walked to a normally empty armory and opened it to reveal a bunch of staves with foam on both ends. “Oh, for the love of— She told me she’d have actual quarterstaves!” The not-spears were longer than they should be with their newly added foam cushions. “I suppose it’s better than nothing, though…. Everypony grab a staff and split into your usual pairs!” As I grabbed a staff and headed towards Rumble, Sergeant Smiles held a hoof out to stop me. “Not you, Dark Horse. You’re going to help me today. What do you know about quarterstaff fighting?” “Not much, Ma’am.” I rubbed the back of my head. “I’ve spent most of my time looking into hoof to hoof and wingblades. I do remember Dad telling me that it was a lot harder for earth ponies. Something about needing two hooves.” “Okay, good….” Sergeant Smiles sighed in relief. “I won’t need to drill any obsolete drivel out of you then. There’s been a recent shift in how we teach it, because the earth pony way is actually far superior if you know what you’re doing. It teaches a lot more than hitting stuff with a stick.” The sergeant grabbed her staff and trotted to the instructors’ circle in the center of the room. I followed as fast as I could, having to swerve a bit here and there to avoid hitting ponies with the long piece of wood in my mouth. “Alright, cadets!” Sergeant Smiles slammed the butt of her staff in the ground, cradling it in the crook of her foreleg. “The first thing you need to know about quarterstaves is that they’re a two-hooved weapon. Usually, weapons like that are mostly for pegasi and unicorns. There’s a reason earth pony guards tend to stick to simple bucking. “The quarterstaff, however—” She smirked and heaved herself upwards. Grasping the staff in two hooves, she used the butt of the staff to stabilize herself. “—turns that idea entirely on its head.” Dodging and weaving and spinning about the staff, she unleashed a flurry of kicks and blows. Both the staff and her hind hooves were used in equal measure for movement and striking, and she was never in one place for long. Each buck allowed her to plant her hooves squarely to bring the staff up in a string of blows, and when the staff planted itself in the ground once more she immediately transitioned into another buck. “Woah….” Who said that? I think it was me. Sergeant Smiles finally spun to a stop, panting heavily. Her mane was sweat-soaked and shimmery, and she seemed to be leaning on the staff for support. “That…” She swallowed. “That is what you can learn to do someday. Today, though, me and the Dark Horse here are going to teach you how to stand properly. You can’t use a quarterstaff right if you can’t stand and hold it.” Settling down on four hooves, she shook some of the sweat from her mane. “First things first, getting on two hooves. All you need to do is rear up and place the butt—” Some stupid colt giggled. “—of your staff in the ground.” She nodded to me. “Dark Horse.” I reared up as much as I could and planted the staff on the floor. I wobbled a little, but otherwise held my ground. Then Sergeant Smiles swept the wood out from under me, and I fell face-first to the cold crystal beneath me. “As you can see, it takes work to get the placement right.” The sergeant hauled me up. “It all has to do with the triangle you make with your hind hooves and where you grab the staff.” She poked my backside with her staff. “Again, Dark Horse!” The last few beams of sunlight burned a few of the more tender spots in my hide. The itching was more than just irritating, and I was sure that would mean a few minor bruises in the morning. I crawled home a tired, sweaty, noodly mess of limbs, and slunk along the cool cloud floor to the bathroom to shower up. I couldn’t wait to get in bed and take a nap to perk me up for finishing my homework throughout the night. Dad had promised to take me up to the roof to stargaze, and— “Hey, if it isn’t my little light in the night!” Dad poked his head out of the kitchen. “How’d it go today? A little bat told me you were starting spears. That had to be fun.” “Quarterstaves,” I mumbled. “Princess Twi-eeieeaieeahh…” My jaw tried to dislocate itself. “Princess Twilight kind of said no to the spears when we skewered her checklist during litter duty.” “Was it fun, still?” “Skewering the list? Totally.” Dad rolled his eyes as I giggled into the floor. “Yes, the staves were fun. Hard, but fun.” I nodded, eyes closed as I dragged myself through the house via clicking. “You hungry?” Dad chuckled. “Dinner’s just about ready.” “I think I’ll take a nap first.” By the stars, the floor was comfy. “Today was a little tougher than usual. Sarge wanted to keep me on my frogs, so I really got a workout today.” “Alright then, Night,” Dad rumbled. “You just go to sleep and I’ll wake you in an hour or two.” “Affirmative.” I yawned again, not even trying to go for the bathroom anymore as Mom started humming a lullaby from her lounger. I just curled up in the corner and pulled a piece of the floor over me. Cloud homes were awesome like that. Mom hummed some more, and the sizzle of lightning-fried crickets came in from the kitchen. The smell was almost good enough to rouse me, but I really needed a nap. As I drifted off into the dreamscape, visions of heroic, quarterstaff-wielding thestrals danced through my mind, and all was right with the world.