//------------------------------//
// ARTICLE 2 Part XVIII 
// Story: ARTICLE 2 
// by Muppetz 
//------------------------------//


ARTICLE 2


The Princess of love wandered idly through the halls of Canterlot castle. Her husband had suggested she find Twilight but had remained mute as to where she might begin to look. She wore her frustration plainly upon her face as worry continued to settle in her gut in a most unpleasant way. Shining Armor had run off into the city to investigate the commotion and she couldn’t, for some reason, shake the idea that she was being intentionally left in the dark about whatever was going on.
“Cadance!”
The pink alicorn spun around only to find herself wrapped in a big purple hug.
“Twilight!” the alicorn acknowledged with delight as she returned the small unicorns embrace.
“Pinkie!” the bubbly earth pony announced excitedly as she bounced into the room followed by a posh white unicorn.
“Cadance, when did you arrive, darling?” Rarity greeted warmly.
“Pinkie, Rarity! Oh, it’s been so long.” she pulled the other two ponies into the hug before releasing them with a happy squeeze.
“I missed you, too,” Twilight giggled.
“I’ve been looking all over for you. Maybe you can finally tell me what’s going on here,” Cadance said hopefully.
Twilight sighed deeply. “… I don’t even know where to start.”


~~~~~




The complex went unused for the most part. Crime was not particularly high in Equestria and even then most lawbreakers were sent to state-run correctional facilities. The dungeon on the castle grounds was largely a relic of the past that was maintained for emergency use rather than actual criminal justice purposes. Despite its infrequent and inessential use, the complex was actually quite modern. Popular rumor and vernacular led many to believe the building was a dark and damp stone storybook jail, complete with dripping walls, bars, and chains. It could not have been farther from the truth.
Celestia felt the anxious thrum of her heart beating as she watched the human through the glass. The open magical intercom system allowed her to hear everything inside and vise versa. He placed the large jug of water on a steel table, occasionally casting evil glances at the unconscious changeling detained on the bed. He had sworn up and down that no harm would come to the changeling, she even convinced him to submit to a lie detecting spell. He was telling the truth... or at least  he thought he was. She reminded herself that his definition of “harm” was likely much more narrow than hers. Still, she was there to intervene if he crossed any lines. As much as she hated to admit it, they needed answers, and they needed them now.
Shane was disarmed… or as disarmed as could be. His firearms were entrusted to the solar alicorn along with his knife. His behavior was still troubling the princess to no end. He had never willingly relinquished his weapons under any circumstances. Yet now, while he was locked in a room with the only being he could reasonably call an enemy, he voluntarily surrendered them.
Celestia mentally slapped herself, returning her attention to the unicorn doctor as he droned for several moments, reading from a clipboard.
“It wasn’t as bad as we thought,” he assured. “Still not exactly good, mind you, but nothing we couldn’t handle. The changeling’s anatomy was tricky. Their ability to shapeshift mean their organs aren’t set in one place like most normal creatures. It’s one of the many reasons they’re so resilient. They can compress or expand their internal organs to better fit the size and shape of the pony they’re attempting to mimic.”
“What kind of recovery time are we looking at?” Celestia asked.
The doctor pursed his lips. “That’s difficult to say with any certainty. We managed to save its leg. Changeling’s don’t have any real bones to speak of, so it’s really only a matter of his carapace mending properly. He could theoretically be walking again in a few weeks...maybe a month or so. We couldn’t do much for his wing though,” the doctor admitted. “Changeling’s are considerably lighter than ponies. Their wings are much more delicate. And well…” the doctor trailed off and looked at the human who looked up at the unicorn’s implicating tone. “It was nearly blown off entirely…”
From his side of the window it was nothing more than a mirror. “...Are you expecting an apology?” his voice sounded odd as the magical speaker reproduced his voice.
Celestia shot him an icy glare that he couldn’t have seen.
“Well…” the doctor continued regardless. “Needless to say he won’t be flying again-”
“I don’t need him to fly,” the human interrupted impatiently as he eyeballed the unconscious creature.
The doctor shifted his weight awkwardly. “Well he can talk, if that’s all you’re implying. But I can’t recommend-”
“I neither want nor need your recommendations,” the human interrupted.
“W-Well yes, but he’s not in any condition to-”
The human pushed himself to his feet excitedly hefting the water jug over his shoulder. “You still there, Princess?” the human asked the mirrored glass.
“I’m here, Major,” she promised.
“Would you be a dear and send the good doctor on a coffee run or something for the next...oh...thirty to forty-five minutes?” he asked calmly.
“He’s staying, Shane. If he so much as hints that you hurting that changeling I’m going to have you chained to a post and flogged.”
The human shivered exaggeratedly and cooed, “God, I love it when you talk dirty.”
Celestia groaned and rubbed the side of her head while the doctor turned scarlet from his neck up. “I am serious, Major!” she snapped.
“Relax. It’ll be fine. I seen this in a movie once,” he assured “...so I’m basically an expert.”  Shane hovered over the unconscious changeling. “Hey,” the human snapped his fingers in front of the bug’s face. “Wake up…. you!” the human poked the insects cheek a few times. The changeling remained fast asleep.
Shane looked around the room, examining the many tubes and intravenous bags that hung on silver stands over the bed. The human thought for a second before reaching up and seizing one of the bags and squeezing, hard.
The changeling shot up in bed as far as the restraints would allow, his blue eyes bulging in pain.
“SHANE!” Celestia yelled in protest.
The human released the bag and held his hands up innocently. “Whoops.”
The changeling turned and saw the human towering over his bed, and began to weakly thrash. The various monitors he was connected to all began to beep and tick warningly.
The changeling started panic chattering in his native tongue, doing his best to create as much distance from the human as his restraints would allow.
The human whistled. “I think he remembers me.”
The human pulled the pillow from under the changeling’s head, ripping the case away and discarding the pillow itself over his shoulder. “Shut up.” the human ordered over the changeling distraught chattering. “I’m pretty sure we already discussed my distaste for languages I don’t speak...” The human frowned threateningly.
The changeling looked around frantically, chittering painfully.
“His magic is being suppressed, Major. He can’t morph his vocal chords anymore,” the doctor’s voice came through the speaker.
Shane’s frown deepened. “Can you understand it?”
“Um...W-Well yes, somewhat,” he admitted.
“Good. Translate.” Shane turned back toward the changeling. “Look at me,” the human ordered. “I’m gonna make this real quick and easy for ya alright? I’m gonna ask a question you’re gonna answer the question. Barney style. Nod if you understand.”
The changeling nodded.
“Good. Now if you lie to me or in any way attempt to jerk me around or waste my time, I’m gonna break your legs. You understand?”
The insect’s eyes bulged.
The human nodded. “Good. We’re gonna get started.” The human pulled a small notebook from his pocket and clicked a pen. He licked the tip before scribbling experimentally on the pad and clearing his throat.. “Alright, first question…it’s an easy one,” he assured soothingly. He readied his pen and sniffed before hurling the notebook at the changeling’s face and seizing the bug by the shoulders and shaking him like a rat. “GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING CHIP, YOU LITTLE TURD!”
The changeling shrieked and chattered in his restraints clearly confused and terrified beyond measure.

Celestia groaned and rubbed her eyes with a hoof. “Well that went south fast…” she muttered to herself. “I’m going to go break it up.”
“Um..Princess is he talking about the plastic thing the changeling swallowed?” the doctor spoke up over the ruckus in the other room.
“Yes. It’s apparently extremely important to the human...As you may have been able to tell…” she looked back through the window.
“SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!” the human’s voice carried over the intercom.
Celestia groaned. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment…”
The stallion levitated a small plastic baggy containing a small black chip. “Princess, he coughed it up a few hours ago while being prepped for surgery.”
Celestia blinked a few times in rapid succession.


~~~~~


YOU’RE MAKING ME DO THIS!” The human threw the pillow case over the changeling’s head while it thrashed and shrieked in its restraints. “IT DIDN’T HAVE TO GO DOWN THIS WAY!” The human hefted the jug of water,  popping the cap off with his thumb letting it clatter to the floor.
The door to the room slammed open as Celestia barreled inside. “SHANE STOP!” she shouted.
The human groaned in annoyance. “I’m kinda in the middle of something right now...” he said through his teeth as he turned to the alicorn annoyedly.
Celestia held up the chip aloft in her magic.
The human’s mouth formed a small “O” as he processed what his eyes were telling him. He glanced back and forth between the changeling and the chip a few times.
He reached over and deftly lifted the pillow case from the changeling’s face. “...you don’t have the chip anymore…” It was more of a statement than a question, but the changeling shook his head vigorously anyway. The human chewed the inside of his cheek. “I see…Well. I suppose there may have been a slight miscommunication on our part. I apologize for that…” he admitted calmly before his eyes once again narrowed. “...Anyway…” he growled and pulled the pillow case back down over the changeling’s head and hefted the water jug as the bug continued its shrieking.
“SHANE!” Celestia shouted.
“What?!”
“I SAID STOP!”
The human’s shoulders slumped. “...But I already got the water…” he whined shaking the jug disappointedly.
Celestia glared at the biped.
“Fine!” the human snatched the pillowcase off the changeling’s head, before retreating toward the alicorn. He plucked the baggy from Celestia’s magic before twisting back around and pointing at the changeling. “You better pray this still fucking works! Because if it doesn’t I’m coming back!”
The changeling chittered a few words in rapid succession.
Shane frowned. “What did he say?” he asked, his eyes never leaving the changeling’s.
The unicorn stallion jolted at the question. “I didn’t quite catch all of it…” he admitted. “But it...sounded like he was apologizing.”
“What?” the human turned to the doctor with a skeptic eye.
“He said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then something about wanting to go home.”
The human snorted and looked back at the changeling who was staring at him intently. The human muttered something behind his teeth.
The changeling’s irisless blue eyes were pleading.
Shane’s frown deepened. He turned away from the bug and stepped past the two ponies, silently passing without a second word.


~~~~~


Luna glided gracefully down the corridor of the dungeon, eager to join her sister. She was hungry for information. Hopefully Celestia and the human were faring better with the changeling, than she was with the nobles of Canterlot, who were all in an absolute frenzy after Celestia had dropped the news of extraterrestrial life in their laps. Needless to say, the initial press conference had gone...less than favorably. It, of course, could have gone much much worse. She reminded herself not to curse their scant luck with her complaints.
She nearly yelped as she rounded a corner only to have the human shout and bowl over top of her, sending the surprised biped crashing to the ground as she lay sprawled out on the floor.
The human groaned painfully as he rolled himself back onto his feet.
“Major?!” she blurted from her place on the floor.
Shane brushed himself off, before hooking his hands under her barrel. “What are- Hey!” she squirmed as she was lifted and placed gently back on her hooves, like she was a potted plant he had inadvertently tipped. The human swept some dust from the alicorns coat with a quick brush of the hand, he even bothered to smooth a few of her wayward feathers back into place. The princess went faintly scarlet in the ears at the attention. He stood and sniffed as he appraised the alicorn, while she stammered to find some words. Before she could think of anything appropriately witty to say he turned and continued on his way.
Luna collected herself. “Wait! Where are you going?!”
The human fished a small plastic baggy out of his pocket, shaking it over his head as he hurriedly retreated back toward his room.
“Is that the chip? What happened to the changeling?! Wait a minute!” she called back irritated at being ignored.
He didn’t answer as he rounded a corner out of sight.
The alicorn huffed before plodding after him.
She arrived at the entrance to the his cell. The man was frantically throwing things around his room as he rummaged through his bags. “Major?”
The human grunted in response.
“What happened to the changeling?”
“Nothing  yet.” he answered icily.
“You have your trinket though?” she asked curiously.
The human sighed. “Yeah...I have my trinket.” He dug out the small tablet computer from his bag and sat on his cot anxiously.
“Pray, tell. What is its significance?” she asked as she nosed over to where the human sat. “You seemed fairly...upset...when it was taken.
“You could say that,” he muttered.
“What purpose does it serve?”
The human hesitated, “Don’t take it the wrong way, but I kinda doubt you’d really understand.” The human scratched the side of his nose. “It’s kinda like a storage device. You can put encrypted information on it and use special machines to extract and interpret it.”
Luna’s brow furrowed. “What possible use could the changelings have for something like that?” She wondered out loud. “I have no doubt this information is valuable, but...even if it had succeeded in stealing it they would have no way of accessing it.”
“We’re gonna have to figure that out later,” he mused still tapping away on the illuminated screen. “I was a bit more concerned with us losing it than him having it if you know what I mean. If he fried this thing though…” the human shook his head.
“What information is on the chip?” she asked.
The human made a noncommittal noise as he attempted to formulate an answer. “It had a lot of things on it. I guess to keep it simple, think of it like a key. A very special key that gives you the means to access a lot of important stuff,” he began. “Plans, crypto, locations, codes, coordinates, shit we would rather keep private if you know what I’m saying.”
“It would seem prudent to be secretive about such things,” she agreed.
“There are very special codes and algorithms in place that encrypt this information and files which make our technology virtually unusable to anyone that doesn’t know how to use this special key.” he waved a hand around. “It’s all a lot more complicated than that but do you understand what I’m getting at?”
“I believe so,” she nodded with some hesitation.
“Luna,” The human became uncharacteristically serious. “...Until today I was a little hesitant to come out and say it but  something was answering my signal…” he nodded to himself. “Whoever or whatever that is, is my ticket off this rock. I can feel it.” He asserted passionately, before catching himself. He held a hand up disarmingly, “No offense or anything, mind you,” he added hastily. “But I would love to get the hell off this fucking planet with a quickness if at all possible. Again no offense.”
Luna smiled slightly and shrugged a wing, “None taken.”
Shane continued. “Well for all intents and purposes just understand that this,” he held up the chip “...isthe lynchpin that solves the mystery signal,” he said simply. “If there is a chance at ever discovering the source of that mystery signal...If there was ever even a chance of getting home? This little thing is what shows me the way.”
Luna nodded as she spun in a small circle before curling up on the soft padded floor of the cell. “I am very proud of you, Shane,” she announced with a contented smile.
The sudden shift in tone and subject cause the human to stop and fix the the Alicorn with a bewildered smirk. “...Thanks?”
“You are welcome,” she replied. “We think you are making considerable progress in accepting our friendship. You speak of many things that sound like jealously guarded secrets. We thank you for confiding in us.” she noted with a playfully raised eyebrow.
“You guys have a really weird and poorly defined obsession with friendship,” The human offered a halfhearted scoff as he went back to work. “Maybe I’m just running out of things to hide from you people.”
“Would it not be safe to assume this conversation with a foreign leader would be somewhat frowned upon by your standard operating procedures?” she grinned.
He smiled as he typed. “You know the thing about standard operating procedures…” he glanced at the alicorn. “...they’re, standard.” He turned his attention back to his device. “And I think it’s fair to say our situation is anything but.” He rubbed the side of his nose again and sniffed. “So needless to say, I’ve been deviating from a lot of standard operating procedures lately...Like A LOT.  I didn’t even shave today,” he announced in a hushed tone.
Luna hummed. “You fiend.”
“Yeah well, seeing as I am essentially acting as my own chain of command, I find myself becoming less and less observant of protocols as my situation becomes less... hopeful,” he euphemized. “In all honesty by this point if you had walked in the door and asked if wanted to go do a fat rail of coke in the bathroom with you, I’d...probably have to really think about it for a second.”
Luna laughed despite not fully understanding. His meaning was clear enough, that the bleakness of his situation could drive him to do things he normally would not. She if anypony could relate to the notion of bad circumstances leading to...questionable decisions.

She watched him type carefully on the tablet device for several silent moments. “Showtime…”  He muttered quietly.

The tablet beeped suddenly. His smile disappeared. He only blinked at the screen.

“Major?” he gave no indication of having heard the alicorn as he worked his jaw back and forth contemplatively.
“Shane?” she tried again more sternly. His eyes shot toward the alicorn as if woken from a dream. “Is everything alright?”
He pulled the chip from its port before rubbing the connectors against the fabric of his pants. “Yeah,” he nodded, slipping a smile back on his face. “It’s fine,” he reassured nodding again.
Luna watched without comment while her heart sank lower and lower. The human stuck the chip back into its port, the device beeping almost immediately. The human’s eye twitched, eyes darting to the alicorn for only a fraction of a second as if embarrassed. His jaw clenched and his smile became more obviously forced. He pulled the chip from its port, rubbing it against his trouser legs more aggressively.
“Major?” she nosed quietly.
“They just get dirty sometimes. It’s gonna work,” he replied immediately, traces of desperation creeping into his voice.
Luna shrank back, as he re-inserted the chip. The tablet rejected the small black chip once more with an indignant beep. Shane began to tap his foot frantically as he chewed on his cheek. “Come on.” he murmured, tapping the screen a few times. “...don’t do this.” he begged. Yanking the chip and reinserting it. The screen beeped and flashed red.
The human gripped the tablet so fiercely the alicorn feared it might snap in two. His forced smile was now gone.
Luna held her breath. She wasn’t sure why. She watched the humans anxious face as harsh light from the device in his lap cast his face in light that gave him a gaunt, haunted appearance. “Come on…” he whispered. The light flashed red as his hands gripped the device so hard they shook.
Luna rose to her hooves, slowly making her way over to the distressed human.
His jaw clenched and he tore the chip from its port once again, he breathed on the gold connecting ports before rubbing them on his shirt. He jammed the delicate chip back into its port. The screen flashed red.
“Fuck...” he spat quietly. The human stood and threw the tablet against his cot. He rubbed his palm against the back of his head habitually as he paced back and forth.
“Major?” Luna began tentatively.
He ceased his pacing and rested a hand on his hip “It’s fucked…” he said quietly, not bothering to look the alicorn in the eye.
Luna spoke carefully. “...is there no repairing it?”
He was quiet for a moment before shrugging helplessly and shaking his head. “No.”
Luna swore internally, but did her best to keep her face neutral. It was a costly loss. The source of the mysterious signal might never be revealed. And in turn the human’s signal would never be heard.  “...and your home?”
The human fixed his jaw and shook his head, still refusing to meet the princesses gaze.
“Shane-”
His face twisted as he spun around and kicked his cot, his steel toed boot denting the aluminum bar and sending the tablet and all his belongings flying across the room. “FUUUUUUCK!!!” He reached down and grabbed the, now bent, cot and threw threw it against the far wall of the cell where it clattered to a heap on the floor. "WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK?!" He screamed at the cealing.
Luna bit her lip and said nothing as she waved off the guards that leapt into to the room at the commotion.
He stood for several seconds breathing heavily and shaking letting the remnants of rage boil off. He turned and leaned forward, resting his forehead against the padded surface of the wall and folding his fingers behind his head and took several deep measured breaths.
He turned around and scratched his nose. Before letting his hands fall to his sides as he slid down until his rear met the padded floor. 
He just sat there and tried to be still, breathing in and out. His eyes were miserable, but he snorted as a slap-happy  smile was stapled to his face. “ embarrassing...” he said quietly.
“What is?” Luna dared asked.
“Why I’m so upset about this,” he laughed. “...seriously, it’s not like it’s a surprise. Shit, even if it WAS working it’s not like anyone would come.” he shook his head. “It was stupid to even get my hopes up.”
“It is never stupid to hope, Major.” the alicorn offered quietly.
The human’s face contorted as he looked at the floor between his legs. “Just kinda had this idea in the back of my head that I’d figure out a way, ya know?” he cleared his throat. He ran his fingers through his short brown hair as he fought off the resurgence of despair. Luna swallowed as she plodded closer to the forlorn creature.
She rested a hoof gently against his knee. The human wasn’t one for sentiment or pity, she was certain enough of that. She would do her best to comfort the alien. “All will be well, Major,” she began softly. “...we shall think of something.”
The human sighed and rubbed his head painfully. “I  just… kinda wish something would break in our favor for once… Just to shake things up. I’m getting real fucking sick of one step forward three steps back,” he complained.
“Would, mayhaps, a hug make you feel better?” she smiled.
“I really doubt it would…” he answered plainly.
“We shall try anyway…” she informed as she stepped in between his legs.
“I don’t want a hug.”
“Yes you do,” she assured, and rested her chin on top of his head and draped her wings around him. Humans were built differently from ponies, and from their awkward position she couldn’t quite give him a proper hug. Despite the fact that they were both fairly well known for being less than affectionate individuals. She hoped that her attempt would be adequate. “Hmmm There it is... Pleasant, is it not?” she added happily, giving her wings a squeeze.
He didn’t recoil or push her away like she feared, but he also didn’t seem to reciprocate the gesture in any way that Luna could tell. She began to wonder if she had made a mistake, when she felt the human sigh and lean his head against her chest.
He buried himself in Luna’s fur and hid from the world for several moments. “I’m tired… I just wanna go home…” he finally croaked.
Luna found it unusually hard to swallow for a moment. She wrapped a foreleg around the human’s shoulders and pulled him against her. “We know…” she whispered. There wasn’t much else she could think to say. So she said nothing, occasionally squeezing her wings or nuzzling the human’s hair.
She was never this close to him for any length of time. He smelled like smoke and brass. Luna retracted her hoof from around his shoulders, but didn’t otherwise move. She prodded his head with her nose. “...Wouldst thou like to do a fat rail of coke in the bathroom with us?” she offered with a hopeful grin.
The human snorted, unable to keep the laugh down. He pulled his head back revealing a half smile breaking through his miserable face. His laughter was slaphappy and broken but seemed to blossom and grow the more he reflected on it. Luna began to chuckle along with him.
“I get the feeling you might not really understand what you’re asking for.”
“Nay. We do not,” she admitted. “It sounds unsanitary.”
“Well…” he added, “that’s one way of putting it.” There was a small silence as the human sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know I’m supposed to do, Luna” he admitted plainly yet hopelessly.
Luna pondered the question. “Whatever you wish, I suppose,” she replied, not overly fond of her own answer.
“Me and wishes don’t exactly have a stellar track record.”
“You are in an unpleasant situation, human,” she admitted. “You are faced with the loss of everything you know, trapped on a world that is not your own-”
The corner of his mouth lifted slightly as he hummed, “I especially love how you aren’t even trying to sugarcoat it or anything…”
“Sugar would do little to improve your plight, Major.” Luna backed away from the man. She sat on her haunches tall and regal as an alicorn princess could be.  “You neither want nor need pretty words. I think perhaps it is time you begin to entertain the idea that you ARE stuck here, and likely shall be forever.” she affirmed.
“Have I not been?” he asked seeming somewhat put off.
She cast a brief glance about his person. “Nay... We do not think so,” she answered calmly. “We believe until now you have deluded yourself into believing you are temporarily stranded. And have done little to prepare yourself mentally for an extended stay on this planet.” She shifted her wings into a more comfortable position.  “I hope you do not mistake my bluntness for cruelty, but I believe you have given it very little thought at all. I think that you have avoided openly addressing the matter because you find that doing so leads your mind to a very dark place. And I fear that the longer you dwell there, the more comforting such ideas may seem.”
The human’s face was perfectly passive under the alicorn’s gaze. To the ancient princess, the practiced lack of reaction said just as much as any refutation.
“It is not pleasant for me to say, human. But times are not so kind, and circuity would only serve us ill. You have been thrust into a role you did not want, and for which you were not trained. And you will have to live with the weight of your burdens in this world, striving to regain some lost semblance of meaning and purpose until the day you die.” Her words were final, resolute, and fell like hammer blows. “Ponies have been driven to madness or worse by far less. I suppose the question that you need to ask yourself is...Will you carry on? Or will this be the thing that breaks you?”
The human was still as he looked at up the alicorn. He eyeballed the princess strangely, as if she had just given him a riddle to be solved. Luna raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. After a moment she shrugged. She stood and straightened her wings. She inspected herself briefly before turning back to Shane with a nearly apologetic look in her eyes. “I am sorry, Major. For what it’s worth,”she said finally. Luna turned toward the door. She looked back at the man on the floor. He was staring blankly at the opposite wall. “Take your time to reflect. If you need it. Decide what your place is to be in all this. But right now I have a duty to my kingdom and to my ponies. I must join my sister.” The dark princess took a step outside before stopping one last time. “Major?” The human swiveled his head toward the alicorn. “Whatever it is you decide… there are still those that need you. Remember that.”
Shane blinked at the princess, offering nothing more. She turned and left the cell, pausing only to relieve the two door guards of their post.


~~~~~


Celestia cocked an eyebrow at her sister as the lunar princess entered the dark room.
“The human’s device is destroyed.” Luna stated simply, preemptively answering Celestia’s question.
Celestia cursed quietly and took a deep breath. “And the source of the signal?” She turned back toward the large one-way pane of glass through which the changeling sat, still cuffed to the hospital bed. The doctor fussed over the pony-esque insectiod creature.
“It originates from somewhere in Whitetail wood…” she began. “But without the chip we now have no way of finding out where exactly. The human had some theories but none very concrete. And now…”
“Now we’re flying blind,” Celestia finished.
“In a sense, yes.” Luna confirmed, coming to a stop beside her elder sister.
“Perfect,” she replied bitterly. “Our luck does seem to have soured on us, doesn’t it?”
“Mmm,” Luna hummed in agreement.
“Is he upset?”
“He isn’t happy,” she answered simply. “From what we understand the chip’s ability to detect our mystery signal was also the thing that allowed him to send his distress call.”
Celestia’s wings drooped slightly. “I see…” she muttered. “No wonder he was desperate. The changeling stole his only chance at rescue. How’s he doing?”
Luna was somewhat hesitant to answer. “We shall see. I gave him something to think about.”
Celestia nodded not bothering to ask what her sister meant. If Luna felt it necessary to tell her what transpired between them she would. For now Celestia was content to let the matter rest.
“Has the changeling said anything yet?”
“Plenty,” Celestia said, somewhat brightly. “He seems to be under the impression that if he doesn’t cooperate we’ll turn him over to the aliens.”
Luna sniffed with slight amusement. “Did you tell him that?”
“Of course not,” Celestia assured. “But I certainly didn’t correct him.”
Luna tsk’d disapprovingly but grinned regardless. “What has he said?”
“He’s a deserter,” she began. “Chrysalis’ swarm. Said he couldn’t or didn’t want to fight in the invasion. I’m not sure which. Probably been bouncing around town to town since the attack. His hive would have banished him or worse for his cowardice. He must have heard about the human and infiltrated the castle. He had a distressingly accurate understanding of the situation,” she added sourly.
“They are born and bred to be perfect spies, sister. I wouldn’t let it trouble you overly so,” Luna comforted.
“He seems to think that if he brought back sufficient information he could buy his way back into the hive. He knew the chip was important but he clearly doesn’t know or really care why.”
“His ticket home was the human’s ticket home…” the Lunar alicorn scoffed without even a trace of mirth. “And now neither of them get it.” Luna rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Cruel though it may be, I suppose I can’t say fate isn’t without a sense of irony.”
“I suppose so,” Celestia agreed quietly.
“What do you think we should do with him?” Luna asked.
“He seems compliant enough, he has nowhere to go. He’s a pariah. Even if we were to release him he would likely die of starvation or worse. With his injuries he won’t be able to maintain disguises for any length of time. He’ll never fly again with only one wing. The doctor says he’ll probably be able to walk normally again once he heals but even then only after months of painful physical therapy,” Celestia droned on before changing her inflection. “But…” Luna’s ears perked at her tone. “Call me crazy but I think he might still be useful.”
The doctor opened the door and stepped through making sure to shut and secure it behind him. He noticed Luna’s arrival, pausing to greet his diarch.
“How is our guest, doctor?” Luna asked.
“Frightened, but unharmed,” he assured. “Well…he hasn’t been harmed further.”
The stallion’s pupils shrank as his eyes ventured beyond the princess, toward the door.

The alicorn’s followed his gaze and found the human standing in the doorway wearing a perfectly neutral expression. Celestia cast a brief sideways glance at Luna who was matching the Marine’s expression with a stoney face of her own.
Shane stepped into the room, having discarded his blouse he was now clad in his skivvy shirt and trousers which were bloused smartly above his boots. Celestia eyed the heavy black forty-five strapped to his thigh. Not failing to notice the retainer strap was undone.
The human stepped up to the glass. Luna’s watched him as he stared at the bedded changeling with an uncomfortably emotionless expression. “Have you made your peace, Shane?” Luna asked directly.
“Not really,” he answered plainly. “...I’m really beginning to think I don’t have the capacity for it.”
“You’ll ...stay with us then?” she continued sounding somewhat diffident.
“You thought I wouldn’t?” he cast a sideways glance at the alicorn.
“It’s not that,” she clarified. “I merely have difficulties predicting your...long term intentions.”
“What little I had in the way of long term intentions were pretty ruined when your little friend decided to soak my transmitter chip in stomach acid,” he nodded toward the window. “I suddenly found myself forced to reevaluate my position in this story.”
“And where in your reevaluation did you find yourself?”
Shane took a deep breath. “I’m right where I’m standing, Luna.” He turned his attention back toward the changeling. “I’m not anywhere else.”
Neither alicorn really knew what to say, if anything.
“What’s he said?” Shane finally asked breaking the silence.
Celestia stepped forward, repeating the story she had told Luna, happy for the return of conversation. Although Shane didn’t seem to really be paying much attention, barely giving a nod and a hum when she finished. He asked some additional questions about changelings in general. Seeming more interested in what Celestia’s descriptions of their prowess and abilities.
Celestia glossed over the general ideas, he clearly didn’t quite understand what she meant while explaining their dietary habits. The changeling was an infiltrator, a spy, a saboteur, and assassin. He was an operative of Queen Chrysalis, an all but defunct Changeling monarch in the badlands. A remnant of a failed invasion. However his refusal to fight during the attack branded him a coward. He was an outcast from his hive, dishonored and never to return.
She didn’t make the obvious analogy. She felt it might be in poor taste. If nothing else the ice cold stare the human leveled at the insect-ish creature on the other side of the mirrored portal was sufficient to dissuade her.
“What will you do with him?” he asked still uncomfortably devoid of emotion.
“Well…” she began with her careful words. “I was thinking of offering him a job.”



~~~~~


Twilight took a deep breath as she finally finished regaling the Princess of Love the fully updated happening of the extra terrestrial visitor. Cadance found herself releasing her own pent up breath.
“....wow,” the pink alicorn said finally.
“...yeah,” Twilight agreed. “Wow.” 
“A changeling?!” Cadance asked once more. “How did it get into the castle, much less on Celestia’s carriage?”
“I don’t know,” Twilight admitted. “Celestia and Luna should be with it now, hopefully with some answers.”
“And your...friend?” she asked hesitantly.
Twilight blew a strand of mane away from her face. “He should be with them. I dropped him off at the dungeons about an hour or two ago. But he does have an irritating habit of wandering off.”
The alicorn nodded understandingly. This human was starting to sound more like a rambunctious child than a fearsome space-faring creature. Maybe it was just all the years she spent as a babysitter talking. “Part of me still doesn’t really believe it, you know?” Cadance began, dropping to an excited whisper. “I mean...real life aliens?! It’s like something out of a fantasy book!”
Twilight laughed at the alicorn’s enthusiasm,and rubbed the side of her head with her hoof. “Well, it hasn’t exactly been storybook material,” she confessed.
“I can tell,” Cadance scoffed, “You could cut the tension in this castle with a knife…”
An armored thestral stepped into the room, seeing the mares gathered there before hurrying over. The sentinel gave a hasty bow to the Princess of the Crystal Empire before addressing them. “Your, highness. Welcome to Equestria. It is an honor to have you back in the castle. I apologize there was no one of higher repute to greet you properly. We’ve had a bit of an emergency this morning.”
Cadance smiled at the guard, comfortably slipping back into her royal demeanor. “I’ve been informed of the situation. Please don’t let it trouble you. I understand completely,” she winked surreptitiously at Twilight. “Might you know where my husband ran off to?”
“Captain Armor was just summoned by the princesses to the dungeons. My orders are to escort you and Miss Sparkle there as well, if you would allow me, your highness. The other Elements of Harmony are, of course welcome to join us if they please,” he added lowering his head toward Rarity and Pinkie Pie. “But if I may be so bold, time is not on our side, it would be prudent for us to make haste.”
“Do we have time to make a quick stop first?” she asked.
The sentinel shifted uncomfortably but nodded. “Of course your highness. The summons is, of course, at your convenience. I shall escort you wherever you may need until you are ready.”
“Thank you. It should only take a moment.” the alicorn assured.
The guard lowered his head once more. “Yes, your highness.”
“Whoo Hoo! Catharsis time!” Pinkie exclaimed before bouncing out the door like a rocket.


~~~~~


“I didn’t say it was a ‘bad’ idea I said it was a stupid idea.” Shane blew smoke from his nose and stretched his back in the sunshine outside the dungeon.
“What pray tell is the difference?” Celestia asked incredulously.
“A good idea can still be stupid and a bad idea can be smart. For example. Using a captured enemy to gain information is a good idea,” he nodded. “Giving him a job, and further yet, a job that gives him ample opportunities to escape and fuck us over even harder is a monumentally fucking stupid idea.”
Celestia answered him.“You are thinking about this too emotionally. Changelings are incredibly adaptable and versatile creatures. Information gathering, emotional monitoring, espionage. The more I think about it the more I find reasons to try. If we can earn his trust and put him to work for us, he could prove an invaluable asset to our efforts.”
“I have no doubt,” Shane agreed. “But to what level of risk? All of these reasons, while assuredly useful, are equally as likely to blow up in our faces as they are to help us. I’m tempted to go back in there and cap his ass just to keep you from “considering” it any further.” He jabbed a finger back at the building. “If he manages to fuck off back to wherever the hell he came from and spill the beans about our operation, it’s your ass... Correction, it’s our asses,” he revised. “He knows too much.”
“He knows nothing more than what we are about to reveal to the world in a few hours time. The conference is TODAY, Shane” she reminded. “Leaders from all over the country, and several others, will be arriving in the city to hear my official announcement of your presence. And besides that, what he ‘knows’ he doesn’t understand. Your technologies are as incomprehensible to us as our magic is to you. Nothing he can say can do any more harm at this point. And even if it could who would believe the word of an exiled changeling deserter?”
Shane chewed on the inside of his cheek, hating the turn the conversation had taken.
“And before you protest further, nothing has even been decided yet. I am merely saying that it is an avenue that I think we should give some thought to. It will be weeks or months until the poor creature can even walk properly again. We have plenty of time to interrogate, interview, and evaluate him before he would even be capable of operating.”
Shane harrumphed and dropped the cigarette butt on the ground. “Fine. We can table the issue for now. But I think it’s a mistake.”
Celestia looked at the progress of the sun. Not that she needed to. She knew exactly what time it was. And they had precious little available to prepare for the summit. “Luna didn’t have much time to brief me on your findings this morning. Did you learn anything useful?”
Shane shook his head. “Nothing that makes any sense to me at least. We know it’s coming from somewhere West-ish of here. We came up with a very rough grid.Somewhere within a couple square miles of forest land called Whitetail Wood.”
Celestia hummed. Luna had told her essentially the same thing. “Did you learn anything else?”
Shane sighed. “Like I said, nothing useful. And what IS useful just raises more questions.” He lit another cigarette. “I think it’s response time is automated. Meaning it’s not just interference or random static. Something is deliberately answering my pings.”
“Something?” she asked
“It’s gotta be a machine. An automatic robotic response of some kind. Unless there’s like...a magical breed of squirrel on this planet that communicates via radio waves.” He took a drag on his cigarette before turning to Celestia. “There isn’t, is there?”
Celestia smiled. “Not that I am aware of.”
She could have sworn she saw disappointment in his face for a moment. “Well, either way we won’t know for sure until we get there.”
Celestia paused. “Get where?”
“The source. We have to know what’s sending it. For both our sakes. And I guess I’m just gonna have to go walk around the woods until we find it.” He must have seen the look on the alicorn’s face. “Look without that chip we don’t have much of a choice. We gotta get some boots on the ground or we’ll just be sitting here waiting to see who visits who first.”
“I understand but the political climate might not exactly be favorable enough for us to have you exploring the countryside while world leaders sit here very eagerly waiting to speak with you.”
“Well they waited a couple millennia to find out if aliens existed, they can wait an extra couple days to talk with one. I don’t see much of an alternative.”
“We send a detachment of guards to cordon off the area and conduct a search.” Shane rolled his eyes. Celestia bristled,“They are more than capable of-”
Shane snorted. “Of what? Poking stuff with their spears? They wouldn’t even know what to look for.”
“Well neither do you.”
“I’d say I got a better chance of spotting it than some asshole who has literally never even seen a computer before. What are they gonna do if they find something? They don’t even have fingers. Or worse yet what are they gonna do if they find someONE. What if it’s human? What if they’re hostile? Whatever is sending that signal is smart, advanced, and if it ain't human, it’s something else. And if it’s not as nice as me the only thing you’d be sending those guards to do would be die. So whether you like it or not I’m the only one who could potentially have a chance of identifying and operating it, and if it’s something hostile then I am still the meanest son-of-a-bitch you got.”
Celestia resisted the urge to grind her teeth. “Fine. We may be able to stall for time but we can not wait forever. I’ll give you two days on site to find something and if you don’t, then you’re turning the search over to somepony else and coming right back,” she demanded.
“I’ll need at least five days to thoroughly cover that much territory .”
“You won’t be alone, you’ll have enough personnel assisting you to conduct a proper search. Two days.”
“Gimme at least three to make sure it get done right.”
Celestia snorted and frowned. “Three days and not a second more. You’re lucky you get anything. If I had my way you wouldn’t be going at all.”
“Fine,” he relented. “But I want control of the operation. And I’ll need to brief anyone who’s going to be on site.”
“Very well.”
“Briefed on whaaat?” Pinkie Pie asked as she pranced toward the pair. “Hi, Princess!”
Celestia smiled at the young mare. “Hello my little pony.”
“What are you guys talkin’ about, hmm?” she asked, nudging the human’s leg with her muzzle.
Shane smiled, sinking his fingers into the insistent mare’s mane, scratching her ears and neck, much to her delight. “Don’t worry about it. It’s grown-up stuff.”
Celestia blinked involuntarily. Did Shane think Pinkie Pie was a child? Should she tell him Pinkie was an adult? Granted the mare was somewhat...immature at times but still. It may have also explained why Shane tolerated her antics. Had Shane ever seen an actual Equestrian foal? She couldn’t think of a time where he would have. And Pinkie Pie was on the smaller side for her age.
Pinkie swatted at the human. “I am a grown-up!” She asserted, puffing her cheeks indignantly.
“Awww,” Shane cooed. “Okay, Miss grown-up. If you must know, I have to go outta town for a bit to look for something.”
“You’re leaving!? When? For how long?” she demanded suddenly very alarmed.
“Tomorrow, and just a few days. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back before you realize I’m gone.”
“Where are you going?”
“Whitetail Woods,” he replied.
Pinkie cocked her head slightly, appearing confused. She narrowed her eyes smiling slowly as if she caught someone doing something embarrassing.  “You’re not gonna find anything there, silly.”
It was Shane’s turn to look confused. “What? ”
“If there was something there I would know,” she promised.
Shane grinned nodded exaggeratedly. “Well, not that I don’t believe you, but unfortunately I am a very curious individual and I’m afraid I need to see for myself.”
Pinkie shrugged. “Curiosity killed the cat,” she sang as she bounced around the human.
“Did satisfaction bring it back?” he added.
“Nope!” she pounced up onto the human’s back. She hooked her hooves over his shoulders to keep her balance.
“....uh...aaaalright then.” Shane’s smile suddenly became forced and Celestia felt a very mortal chill run down her spine. Something about the way the mare so matter-of-factly said it made her very uncomfortable.
“Shane, Princess!” Twilight greeted happily.
The trio turned to see Twilight approaching with Rarity and yet another alicorn, this one was a gentle pink with soft purple highlights in her feathers. Her long hair was a warm luxurious affair of pink, purple, and yellow. A blue heart-shaped crystal adorned her rear. She was a bit taller than Twilight but still considerably smaller than Shane or Celestia.
Her horn glowed with shimmering blue magic as she deposited a large ornate chest on the ground. She trotted toward them to make proper introductions. The thesteal that accompanied her bowed to Celestia.
“Your Highness, Major Doran, if I may present Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”
“Thank you, Corporal.” Cadance said to the thestral who once more lowered his head to the alicorn.
Cadance pranced over to Celestia. “Hello, Auntie!”
Celestia hummed happily, before reaching down and nuzzling the pink alicorn affectionately. “Hello, my dear. I do apologize for the sudden summoning. I hope your trip wasn’t too taxing.”
Shane’s face soured with apparent surprise. He turned to Twilight and mouthed “Auntie?” clearly confused by the alicorn’s relationship.
Twilight smirked, and mouthed, “I’ll explain later.”
“Not at all, it’s good to be back home,” Cadance dismissed.
Rarity trotted over toward the human, barely keeping the irritation off her face.
“Rarity,” Shane greeted pleasantly.
“Hello, darling. Lovely to see you as always.” She turned her attention to the earth pony on his shoulders. “Pinkie!” she said in a hushed shout. “Get down from there, immediately. This is not how you act among royalty. Major Doran is not a jungle-gym!” Pinkie groaned and rolled her eyes as she untangled her hooves from around the human’s neck.
Celestia turned her attention to Shane who was waiting patiently as his bubbly pink parasite leapt down from his back. “Major, Doran. This is my niece. Princess Cadance. Empress of the Crystal Empire. And Captain Armor’s wife.”
Cadance flared her wings and crossed her legs as she initiated what ponies must consider a curtsy. “It is an honor to finally meet you, Major. I must say these are exciting times indeed. I look forward to working with you in the future. I am sure there is much we can learn from each other.”
Shane smiled nodded his head at the alicorn, which was the closest thing the human seemed to be willing to get to a proper bow. “Apparently the honor is mine, Princess. Although ‘exciting’ may be a bit grandiose a term for what’s been happening recently, I’m afraid.”
Cadance’s smile fell somewhat. “Yes...I was informed of the situation. You have my condolences, Major. It would seem fate has laid a heavy price upon your shoulders”
Shane rolled his shoulders, eyeing the pink mare next to him. Clearly weighing the option of making a joke about the situation. But apparently deciding against it. “Thank you. The sentiment is... appreciated.”
Cadance nodded brightening somewhat. “Well needless to say you shall have the full support and protection of the Crystal Empire, and would be a welcomed guest should you find it convenient to visit us up north.”
“That’s very generous, thank you. You are very kind. Your taste in significant-others, notwithstanding,” he jabbed playfully.
Cadance chuckled good-heartedly. “Yes I understand your first meeting with my husband was somewhat less than smooth. Shiny can be a bit stubborn at times, but I can assure you he a good stallion and he always means well.”
Shane hummed an amused noncommittal response.
“In fact. I’ve brought a gift. A peace offering, if you will. Consider it a sign of good will from the crystal ponies. Her horn sparked alight as she levitated the ornate wooden chest over from its place on the grass. “A little bird told me about some of your...recreational appetites. I thought you might enjoy these.”
Shane’s curiosity spiked as she set the box on the ground and pulled open the lid. Nearly two dozen, neatly etched and ornate glass bottles sat packed soft in padded slots. They we filled to the brim with a rich maroon liquid so pure and vibrant that seemed so give off its own light.
The human’s jaw fell open. Cadance lifted one of the bottles from is padded slot and presented it to the human who took it with reverent hands. “Crystal Brandy. One of the finest spirits in the world, if I do say so myself. The berries used to make it only grow once every two years in one very specific region of the Crystal Empire. And it is quite tasty in my humble opinion.” She beamed proudly, as she turned to try and gauge the human’s reaction.
Shane gingerly set the bottle back in its respective felt box. He took a few weighty steps toward the pink alicorn of love as he sat on his heels in front of her.
She did her best to maintain her smile despite the human drilling his eyes into hers with a stone masked expression. He reached out with both hands resting them gently on her shoulders. She was proud to say she didn’t flinch. She did however let out a squeak as Shane hooked his hands under her forelegs as he stood lifting her by her midsection as she was brought into a slow but bone-crushing hug by the massive creature. She smiled and giggled as she realized her apparent success despite her discomfort.
“Be proud Cadance,” Celestia laughed. “I have yet to see him happy enough to initiate affection toward anypony. Treasure the moment. It happens infrequently.”
“Like I said,” she wheezed. “Nopony I can’t win over.”
Twilight tilted her head. “Shane are you crying?
“No!” he choked and sniffled before burung his face back into the alicorn’s mane.

~~~~~


Celestia ushered Shane and Cadance through a set of double doors that led to the backstage area of the auditorium where Luna was currently attempting to field questions and concerns form various Equestrian diplomats and foreign dignitaries. From the sound of angry frightened shouting, it was not going particularly well. Rarity and Pinkie Pie filed through the doors shortly after.
Shane walked over to a side table, un-slinging his massive twelve-gauge and setting the weapon on the table with a heavy thud. He rolled his shoulders before siddling over toward where Cadance and Rarity were watching the dark alicorn from the safety of the side stage.

The auditorium was almost large enough to be confused with an opera house. Row after row of seat were packed with ponies from all over Equestria. Several sections were roped of to make room for dignitaries and diplomats from nations across the globe. And every single one of them was shouting at the top of their lungs, trying to make their concerns heard over the others.
“Well…” Shane almost had to shout over the crowd. “This looks frustrating. I think I’ll owe little blue a drink after this.”
“I think she’ll need it,” Cadance agreed. The crowd was relentless. They seemed to be shouting at each other just as often as they were attempting to make their concerns heard to the alicorn on stage.
Shane retreated toward Twilight, he knelt down and said something Celestia couldn’t quite catch. Twilight pointed back toward the door they came in followed by a few more gestures. Shane ruffed up her mane as he retreated back outside.
“Where is he going?” Celestia asked suspiciously.
“Bathroom!” Twilight shouted back above the noise.
Celestia pursed her lips and took one wayward glance back toward the double doors the human had disappeared through.

Luna waited at the podium hoping desperately for a lull in the chaos to continue her sentence. She tapped her forehoof on the magical microphone impatiently. “Ladies and Gentlecolts, please be at ease, if you will merely-” the panicked shouting drowned out even the sound of the massive speakers. “If you would simply let me-” Luna groaned in frustration as she appeared to make no headway. “I will have order in the room!” she demanded sternly. “Please calm thyselves and see that-” Only to be drowned out once more. Luna’s eyes glassed over with silver magic.
“SILENCE!” the alicorn screamed, deafening the first few rows by the stage. The lights flickered and dimmed as the alicorn brought her power back under control. The crowd had gone quiet as a cemetery on a moonless night. Luna cleared her throat. “Thank you. Now fillies and gentlecolts please know that I understand your fears. It is a world-changing event. And make no mistake it will change the world. And that is frightening, I understand. But I can assure you that this is not the extinction or invasion that you all seem to be assuming it is. The situation is well under control, these creatures have no desire to harm anyone, and in fact have-”
A massive minotaur lord interrupted the alicorn“Princess if there is nothing to worry about, why was this kept secret for so long before alerting the rest of the world. What was there to hide?”
“There was nothing to hide,” she asserted plainly. “To be quite frank we ourselves were not privy to the true scope of the situation until the alien regained consciousness and was able to eventually explain the nature of his presence directly.” It was half of the truth, but it was the only half they would be receiving.
“Why would he wait to disclose such information?”
“His motives are his own, however I can only imagine he was testing the waters so to speak, the ensure we had no ill intentions before entrusting us with the truth.”
“Forgive me, Princess, how can we be sure of any of this. Are we expected to believe that these extraterrestrial creatures sent just one being to our planet and they have no desire to send more. How do we know we aren’t being cultivated for a larger invasion force?!”
The room filled with cries of agreement and a few dissenting minorities shouting counterarguments. Soon the entire room was once again at each other’s throats with shouting and crying. Luna resisted the urge to slam her face against the podium.
A door in the back of the dim room cracked as someone slipped inside at the last minute. Luna’s eye twitched a few times as she did her best not to let them bulge out of her head as the Shane slid into the room sidling into one of the very few empty seats in the last row, looking extremely amused.
Luna cast a sideways glance at her sister off stage. To the average person it would have looked like a totally innocent gesture. But to Celestia who had been with the lunar alicorn for thousands of years immediately noticed the subtle turmoil behind her baby sister’s flickering eyes and the slight cocking of her head.
Celestia scanned the crowd and immediately saw the issue. Shane was sliding into one of the back rows toward an empty seat. Celestia ground her teeth together cursing herself for yet again trusting the human to be unsupervised for even the briefest of moments. Although she had to admit she was somewhat surprised to see that for the most part nopony really seemed to notice or care about the human. Too focused were they on the alicorn on stage and shouting, no one bothered to question the strange looking biped who had arrived late to the meeting.


~~~~~


Shane plopped down in-between a pegasus mare and a pair of hulking minotaurs. “Hey is this the summit thing?” he asked the middle aged looking pegasus mare on his right.
“This is it,” she assured.
“What’d I miss?”
The mare turned to look at the human with disbelieving eyes. “Have you been living under a rock?”
“I’m not really from the area,” he frowned.
The mare looked him up and down. “Yeah I can tell. Where ARE you from? And uh… don’t take this the wrong way but uh...what are you exactly?”
“Oh, I’m a Marine. I’m from Kentucky.” He held out his hand.
“...nnneat.” She had no idea what those things were but didn’t want to look deliberately ignorant. “Well I’m Dandelion. But you can just call me Dee,” She shook his offered hand. “My boss sent me here to cover the story. I work at a news agency in Cloudsdale.” she explained. “So you haven’t heard anything yet?”
Shane shook his head. “I literally just wandered in here,”
“Apparently the Princesses made contact with alien life last week.”
“I know that much…” he clarified.
The mare nodded seriously. “Real life aliens though!”
“I know...trippy, man.” Shane noted smartly.
“You’re tellin’ me.” the mare agreed.
Shane wore a very pleased-with-himself smile. “I take it she hasn’t showed you what they look like yet?”
“There’s just one apparently. And no, I don’t know yet. As soon as Luna started talking everyone started bombarding her with questions. We haven’t seen very much yet in the ways of specifics.”
“How exciting,” he patted his hands against his lap. “What do you think about all this?”
“What do I think or what does the agency want me to think?”
“You,” Shane grinned.
She shrugged. “I’m not really sure. They say it crashed here by accident. Which I kinda believe.”
“Kinda?” he asked.
“If they did CRASH here by accident, fine I get that, but they have to have been coming here for something before they crashed. Like…they didn’t come here with the intention of crashing. I don’t know.”
The minotaur leaned over toward the two, “Do not let the Equestrians put any doubt into your mind, friend. The aliens are here to conquer. As the lords of old conquered the wildlands to carve out a place for their young, so too are these newcomers here to spread their hold onto newer planets.”
Shane hummed and nodded, in overacted contemplation.

“They are no different from you or I,” Luna reiterated, occasionally casting glances at the human in the crowd. “They have emotions, fears, desires. We are not facing a fleet of warships, we have made contact with a singular creature who was stranded here against his will by accident and has been thus far outstandingly cooperative. Nothing more and nothing less.”
Shane snorted and grinned.
One stallion raised his hoof and stood as Luna pointed at him. “Princess, we may be dealing with a singular creature now, but what happens if more show up? What countermeasures are being prepared for a larger force?”
“Talks are in place to prepare for the contingency. But I can assure you the prospect of a larger contact beyond the one survivor arriving is immeasurably small.” Luna went on to explain exactly how small the odds were. Despite the figures and assurances, the mob appeared yet unconvinced.
Dandelion leaned over to her new acquaintance. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say the princess is staring at us.” the mare muttered under her breath.
Shane leaned over and frowned. “That’s probably my fault,” he admitted. “I’m supposed to be backstage with her sister. I told her I was going to the bathroom.” The mare shot the biped a quizzical look. “Watch…” Shane waved at the alicorn animatedly. She narrowed her eyes at the human in a subtle glare. “Yeah she’s mad,” he confirmed.
“Wait... you know Princess Luna?” she backpedaled.
“Yeah.”
“How?”
“I guess we’re like... sorta friends. She pulled me from a spaceship crash a few weeks ago.”
The mare worked her mouth and eyebrows for a few seconds before realization washed over her. Even the minotaur was staring at the human with his jaw hanging loosely on its hinges.

~~~~~


A frustrated Zebra in purple robes stood and shouted above the rest. “For what reason can this creature not speak for itself?! For how long are we to listen to the pledges and promises of the Equestrian crown, when the very safety of the world may be at stake? Why does this creature not speak? Why does it hide itself behind your fetlocks and not show itself to us?!” One of the zebra’s large gold earrings swayed to and fro with his heated queries. “And for that matter, how did Equestria become the voice for this alien race in the first place?”
An uncomfortable number of voices sounded their agreement for the zebra stallion’s diatribe. Luna barely resisted the urge to vaporize the infantile creature for his insolence.
Luna sighed as the human waved animatedly, pointing to himself and nodding exaggeratedly. She wrestled with the idea for a fraction of a second before deciding.The alicorn lifted her head and gestured to where the human sat.  She took another breath before rubbing the side of her head. I can’t believe I’m doing this...“Very well... Major Doran? Would you be so kind as to come up here and field a few of the room’s concerns yourself?”
The collection of creatures froze and turned to where the human was sitting, unsure if they had heard correctly that the alien creature they had spent the last twenty minutes arguing over had in fact been in their very midst since the beginning.
The tall biped stood to a dead silent room. He bid farewell to his two seat-companions whom he assured it was nice to have met as he began to shuffle from his place to the aisle. The human walked tall and proud toward the stage which he hopped up to without any apparent struggle.
Luna swung a foreleg toward the podium which he settled behind. He looked out over the mix of creatures. “Good morning,” he began plainly. “For the sake of time and my... Equine friends I will do my best to keep this as concise as possible. For those of you that did not hear, my name is Major Shane Doran. I am an officer in the United States Military, and as you should already know. I am not from this planet.” Everyone in the room was still silent as the grave. “I understand that this not an insignificant event for you. Please understand that this is also the first contact my species has had with alien life, so I share in many of your concerns. You all are as strange to me as I am sure I am to you. First and foremost I wish to impart one thing upon you. My arrival on your planet was purely accidental and I hope to be as unobtrusive as possible. My only goal as of now is primarily to ensure that my presence does not cause undue harm to the residents of this world. Secondarily I desire to seek a means through which I might find a way back to my own planet. If you have questions, as I am sure you do, I will do my best to answer them now.”
There was a brief painful pause for a good ten seconds before the room exploded with questions and demands and camera flashes. Paws, claws, talons, hooves, and horns all raised in the air hoping to have their question answered.
“You. Go,” Shane pointed at a large cat-like creature in the second row. The room quieted slightly to hear the question.
“Yes, sir. You claim your arrival here was purely accidental. How exactly did here in the first place?”
“I was part of a military research project to conduct testing on a newly developed deep space-faring craft which utilized a very advanced engine to travel great distances instantaneously. One of these engines suffered a malfunction mid-way into the jump and exploded. Somehow the engine dropped us in high orbit around this planet. After numerous attempts to repair our craft failed, orbital decay began to drag us down to the surface where we crashed here in Equestria. Unfortunately I was the only member of the crew to survive the impact, thanks only to the... swift medical attention of the Equestrian government.” He motioned toward Princess Luna who stiffened but did not otherwise react.
The sound of quills and pencils on paper was almost deafening as everyone present recorded the information. Several more appendages shot up as the questions began again. It went on for several minutes. Shane would call on someone, answer their question, often as simply and vaguely as possible before moving on.
“You…” Shane called.
“Exactly what manner of relationship do you have with the Equestrian government?”
“I consider the Equestrian government an ally of sorts and have offered my services and knowledge to them in exchange for their past and future assistance, domicile, and saving my life. And though I have no official or legal written relationship with the Equestrian rulers. I have, however, seen fit to extended my hand in friendship to the Equestrian crown and would consider any unwarranted attack on them or those close to them an attack on myself and would respond accordingly.”
The crowd murmured uncomfortably. Luna cast a sideways glance at Celestia off stage. The solar alicorn seeming to be in a similar state of mild;y confused shock. The human had at no real point announced his position with the Equestrian government so plainly before. To hear him now say so clearly that he considered them allies to the point of indirectly threatening the entire world on their behalf was, while somewhat flattering, unexpected to say the least.
Shane pointed again. “Do you intend on keeping your alliance with Equestria unofficial?”
“For as long as it remains convenient to do so, yes.” He said plainly. “As I’ve said I have no desire to participate in any of your nation’s politics outside what is absolutely required. I am not here to offer guidance nor police your planet,” he assured firmy. “My only current agenda is to find a way back home.” Shane paused as if to emphasize his point. “But…” he continued, “I do understand my presence here, though accidental, will likely affect your policies or economies. I am willing to work with you as necessary to mitigate the effects of my arrival on your lives. But beyond that I hope to remain uninvolved in your internal affairs and maintain no political stance primarily because I do not have one.”
“What is your opinion of this planet so far?”
“I have experienced very little of your planet thus far outside testimonials from the Equestrian alicorns and what I have gleaned from those I have had the privilege of meeting in the castle. If I were forced to categorize you as it stands I would say, ‘primitive yet capable’.”
Many of the ponies in the audience were unsure if they had been insulted.
Another raised claw, a griffon.
“Major. Obviously as technologically advanced as your species clearly is, it seems unfair that the Equestrian government should horde these technologies for themselves when the sharing of said technologies could potentially improve or save the live of millions of creatures in the future.”
“Please understand that what you consider to be fair, is of little to no concern to me,” the human said coldly. “But to your point... As part of my agreement with Celestia and Luna, assets I have deemed safe for research by the various species of this planet will be made publicly available provided certain procedures are followed as will be agreed upon given the sensitive nature of the artifacts and limited supply of them.”
Luna once again did her best to suppress a look of confusion. They had at no point reached such an agreement. Shane was making this up as he went along. She had to admit for an unrehearsed unscheduled press conference with an alien audience...the human was doing quite well.
“Major, what exactly do you mean by ‘technologies deemed safe for research’?”
“There were devices or objects on board my vessel which were deemed unsafe or unethical for underdeveloped species such as yourselves to study and I saw to it that all sensitive materials, weapons, data, and dangerous research gathered while I was ‘unable to supervise’ were collected and destroyed. Anything that couldn’t be destroyed remains under my constant surveillance”
Celestia looked to her left where Shane had left his shotgun on a side table backstage. She shook her head and went back to listening.
“Who exactly decided what was or was not, ethical to be studied?” a voice asked hotly.
“I did,” Shane said darkly, unspokenly silencing further inquiry on that particular topic.
He pointed again.
A violet stallion stood on his chair. “Is your arrival a sign of the end times?!”
“I don’t know… probably. I haven’t really decided yet.” he answered plainly. “You,” he called someone else.
“Major, what makes you so sure that more of your species won’t show up to collect you?”
“Primarily the fact that there is no way for them to know where I am. And any attempts to communicate with them have failed. Space in an endless expanse and I have no idea how far from my homeworld I am. You would be infinitely more likely to happen upon one particular grain of sand on the beach than they would be to happen upon this planet among the upwards of like billions of planets in our galaxy alone, plus the planets in one of any of some-odd hundred billion other galaxies.”
“But what assurance do we have that more will not come?”
Shane shrugged. “Assurance? None... You have no assurance that they will not come.”
“What are we expected to do then?”
Shane made a lazy dismissive gesture with one of his hands. “Whatever you want. Sit there and do nothing. Or if you feel so inclined, go back to your respective countries of origin and raise the largest armies you can muster and point your swords and spears at the sky and wait. It makes no difference to me either way.”
“You’re encouraging us to raise an army against your own people?”
“No army you raise, no matter how large will pose any kind of serious threat to my species should they decide to show up in force.”
“You dismiss the strength of our entire planet of forces so easily?”
Shane scrunched his face at the inquirer. “Your species has barely scratched the surface of mechanical flight, I came here in a spaceship. Do the math.” the room was silent “Yes, I very confidently dismiss your ‘strength’.”He elaborated.
Shane continued to apprehensive silence. “Let me reiterate to you that peace and prosperity is my truest desire. And fond of it thought I may be, I did not come up here to brow-beat. Neither I, nor any of my species have any reason to visit violence upon you. If you walk away from this meeting here today with nothing else...let it be that fact. That being said...” he continued. “If we, or our allies, were attacked without due cause you can be assured there will be an immediate and effective response.”
The crowd was silent.
“Next question.”


~~~~~


Shane sat in the grass outside the dungeon as Philomena hopped from one shoulder to his head to the other.
“I think it went very well.” Shane said as Philomena pecked at a the human’s closed fist. Shane opened his fingers to reveal a singular peanut, which the bird snatched up.
“You mean the threatening of nearly every national representative in the world? Is that what you’re saying went well?” Celestia bristled.
“Yeah,” he answered calmly. “It was a nice threat. Sounded good.” He sipped from the second bottle of Cadance’s gifted brandy with his free hand. “I wanted to say it and they wanted to hear it.”
Celestia was just about to retort when Luna interrupted. “I don’t think it’s as bad as you think.” She attempted to soothe her elder sister.
“I fail to see how.”
Luna took a moment to gather the right collection of words. “Look, no matter what was said out there, there would still be contempt and fear for the human. If he maintains this stance of political disinterest while maintaining his unofficial alliance with us, we are free to continue our business as we see fit when dealing with other nations citing that the human has no finger in Equestrian politics and still enjoy the protection his presence offers. No nation would dare strike out against us militarily because they are afraid of what the human would do. If they are sufficiently frightened of his abilities or the abilities of those who might come to collect him, we are untouchable.”
“I don’t like the idea of lording an alien species over the entire planet like some sort of unspoken deterrent.”
“We don’t have to,” Luna scoffed. “It will be assumed no matter what we say or what public stance we take. We may as well enjoy his privileges while you can. They are few and far between in comparisons to the burdens.” She cast a sideways glance at Shane.
“Was that a dig on me?” he asked with a disinterested smile while he played with Celestia’s phoenix.
“No. It is a fact,” the darker alicorn clarified. “They are afraid of you, wrongfully so, perh-”
“Rightfully so,” Shane interrupted proudly.
“BUT,” she narrowed her eyes at the human. “...they will act according to their fear regardless of what we say. They have likely already decided what stance to take and will behave as such. I fear that your assurance of neutrality will lead some to the conclusion that you are ‘up for sale’ and others that you have no intention of taking any one side, allowing foreign powers to put pressure on Equestria to relinquish custody of you to them.”
“Maybe I AM up for sale,” he winked at the alicorn.
The darker princess scoffed and rolled her eyes dismissively. “Tempt me, Major. I would sell you in a heartbeat were it not for the fact that the buyer would surely come begging to return you within a fortnight.”
“They aren’t going to come with armies, Luna. They’ll come with sanctions and binding national resolutions. It wont start with soldiers and spears they’ll send diplomats with contracts.” Celestia tiraded. “What are we to do if say the Zebra tribes refuse to trade with us unless we surrender the human? Force them to sell us their coal? The world can put more  pressure on us with a quill than a sword.”
“And they wouldn’t dare touch quill to parchment against our favor because we have what they want. We have already agreed to share everything of educational or technological value. And if any nation decides to get greedy and demand everything for themselves not only will they receive nothing, but they will become the enemy of everyone who’s cut they endanger by threatening us. Should they desire the human himself I would advise them to merely ask him. We have made it abundantly clear that he is not our prisoner nor our subject. He is free to do as he wishes. If he refuses their invitation it is no fault of ours.”
Celestia rubber her temple. “None of this even accounting for all of those who will fear and attack him for nothing more than being an alien. Or those who decide his existence is an affront to their gods. Or those who believe he is the harbinger of invasion. Not only are the diplomats and soldiers to worry about but spies, assassins, ponynappers, saboteurs ... ”
“God damn, I’m almost flattered,” Shane laughed.
“My point being,” Celestia continued. “That there are many things that we have yet to plan for. Stirring the pot this early is dangerous.”
Luna turned on the human. “Major, if Equestria were suddenly under attack from a hostile foreign power, would you feel the need to leap to our rescue?”
He furrowed his brow at the sudden question. “Would you really need me to?” he asked somewhat teasingly. “When you have a perfectly good Shining Armor to send to his death.”
“Humor us…” Luna replied. “If Equestria were under attack would you pick up your gun and fight on our behalf?”
“You think I should?” he prodded playfully.
“Not really,” Luna admitted. “But you did somewhat indirectly promise the international community that attacks against Equestria would be met with your swift and terrible justice...” She pointed out.
“I said I would respond to unprovoked attacks. That’s all. My response may very well be a strongly worded yelp review,” he pointed out.
“That is not how you meant it and we grow weary of your word games,” Luna frowned.
Shane hummed contentedly. “Would I go to war for Equestria?” he said as if rolling the idea around in his head. “...No.” he decided. Luna was about to speak when he continued. “But I’d go to war foryou.” he pointed at the dark alicorn. Sounding oddly sincere despite his questionable sobriety. “Or you,” he inclined his head ay Celestia. “Or you,” he added finally making kissy faces at the phoenix perched on his shoulder. Philomena flared her fiery wings at being included. “Because you’re a very pretty girl, yes you are!” The phoenix touched her beak to the human’s nose happily. This new biped was proving to be her favorite kind of creature.
Celestia and Luna exchanged an unusual look as they observed the possibly intoxicated human play with Celestia’s pet.
“Major, will you be serious for just a moment? Please? This is important,” Celestia asked, her tone soft and warm.
Shane’s smile melted a little. He sighed apparently sobering himself somewhat. “Look... I don’t know what you expect me to say,” he confessed. “I don’t know anything about politics or ponies or this planet.” Shane moved Philomena from his arm to his shoulder. “But I do know that, more often than not, a frightened enemy can be more useful than a dead one.” Celestia lifted an eyebrow but otherwise didn’t interrupt.
“And while I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t grown... sympathetic to your disposition. I might even go as far as to say I am somewhat fond of you two. But do I really care about Equestria? No, not really,” he admitted bruntly, allowing his position to sink in for a moment before relenting.  “….I care that YOU care about your subjects,” he added. “But even though I may not “love” Equestria like you do, some small part of me does still value ideals like justice, freedom, liberty, and the defense of the innocent. Stupid though it may be, it would likely compel me to act on your behalf. But realistically what could I even do? If you were faced with a large scale invasion I would, at best, be able to tip the scales in any one battle. I may be cocky but I’m not stupid. I am very simply out-manned and undersupplied. In an outright prolonged fight I would probably be overwhelmed fairly quickly. So the only real political weapon I have to help you with is the fear of a bigger stick. I want everyone to know that I have no desire to hurt them, but if pressed that am perfectly capable and willing to. And to have this thought somewhere in their minds that IF they somehow managed to kill me, there is still a chance more humans will show up. Ones that would firebomb their homes to cinders and piss on their ashes scout-sniper style.”
The alicorns didn’t say anything. So Shane continued. “If that was the wrong thing to do...my bad. I’ll keep my mouth shut and let you handle it. But I don’t like that either. There is a good chance a time will come where I can’t rely on you two. If they think I’m your little puppet they’ll just come after you instead. Let them think I’m the real threat. They’ll be too scared to come after me directly and they’d have nothing to gain by targeting you.”

Celestia composed herself. “I believe you are doing what you think is best Shane. I really do. If nothing else I can appreciate the sentiment. And thank you...really.” She gave him a meaningful glance. “But…” she tacked on, “You said it yourself. You don’t know anything about our politics. At least talk to us before making a big public grandstand like that in the future.” Shane opened his mouth to argue, but was silenced when Celestia held up a hoof. “I understand your reasoning but despite its potential aid, your stunt also came off as highly combative. And you have not only fueled the fears of those who see you as a threat, you planted the idea in the minds of those who did not. We want to DE-escelate the situation. Equus politics are more subtle than you may think. Especially when so many long lived creatures may hold a grudge and plot for centuries or a millennia, or when short lived ones act rashly and immediately. ” Celestia seemed to conclude, refolding her wings and shifting her position on the grass. “Everything we do is a gamble, Major. We are sharing cards and you are raising the pot on a bluff without consulting us…”
The corner of his mouth lifted as he hummed in response but did not otherwise entertain her request.
“You disagree?”Celestia prodded at his lack of meaningful response.
“No,” he assured quietly. “I agree.”
“What then?” Luna demanded.
Shane just shrugged and stuck a cigarette in his mouth. Attempting to light the stick with his silver lighter. The contraption sparked and flared but never birthed a respectable flame. Shane shook the little lighter vigorously, smacking it against his palm a few times. He thumbed the wheel a few more times, causing some depressing sparks to gurgle from the wheel but ultimately fail to produce fire.
He pulled the un-lit cigarette from his lips slowly. Gingerly putting it back in the pack to be smoked at a later time when fire was more readily available. He could have asked either of the infinitely powerful alicorn princesses by his side for a flicker of arcane fire, but he didn’t. Probably knowing neither of them were all-together very fond of that particular vice.
Shane sighed and leaned back on the grass. A comfortable silence fell over the trio as they watched the sun sink closer to the horizon. It had been a long day. Shane rolled over onto his feet, causing Philomena to squawk and take to the air. “Alright, I’ve had enough of this. It’s time for a little non-sequitur. Come on,” he beckoned to the alicorns.
“Where are you going?” Celestia asked.
Shane started walking toward the castle. “Let’s go get a drink.”
“We?” Luna repeated curiously shuffling her wings.
Shane turned and made a hurry up motion. “Come on, I think we earned it. Today was busy. Mysterious radio beacons, changeling attacks, the destruction of my one chance of rescue, press conferences.” Shane held his arms out. “All in one day! ONE DAY! I want a break and you NEED a break. Loosen up for a few hours. It’ll be fun. It also might help work those sticks out of your asses.”
He began to walk, turning to notice the alicorns were not following.
“Come on you guys used to be cool!”
“We are still cool!” Luna asserted hastily scrambling to her hooves as she began trotting after Shane.
“Get Twilight and her little friends, get the griffon, get Aegis, get Cadance, hell invite fuckin’ Shining Armor if you want, but this is happening one way or another,” he promised.
Celestia cast an appraising eye over the human, wondering what ulterior motives the biped may have. He usually wanted to be alone. Maybe he really was warming up to them. Maybe he just genuinely had a long day and wanted to have a little fun. Who could say for sure.
“Don’t make me drag you there, Princess…” Shane called back toward the snow white alicorn.
Celestia sniffed in amusement before shaking her head and following after Shane and Luna. What’s the worst that could happen?


~~~~~


“We are drinking in the guard tavern?” Luna asked incredulously as she began to recognize the path he was taking. Cadance and her husband had since joined their troupe looking equal parts apprehensive and excited.
“It’s kind of the only bar I know,” Shane admitted. “Why? Is that a problem?”
“We would not call it a problem per se,” she replied. “We usually allow this to be our guards retreat from their duties. Our presence, we fear, may soil their escape from...well... us.”
“You know,” Shane started to answer as they walked. “I’ve noticed something about you all and your ‘subjects’.For some reason, they really do seem to love you,” he nodded. He looked over his shoulder at the alicorns. “But...they are terrified of you.”
“They are not terrified of us.” Celestia objected.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Princess. You know they are. How could they not be? You’re an immortal horse goddess that has ruled over them since their grandparent’s  grandparent’s grandparent’s grandparent’s… grandparent’s-”
“Yes, I get it. I’m old. Thank you,” she interrupted causing Cadance to stifle a giggle. “What is your point?”
“My point…” he muttered to himself as if it should have been obvious. He turned back to his walking. “I once saw my battalion commander do a keg-stand surrounded by a bunch of rowdy Lance Corporals at the Marine Corps Ball,” Shane began out of nowhere. “Now I was a wee young boot at the time so the BC was, to me, this untouchable lofty creature that existed only as a photograph on a plaque outside the company office. A man in a high tower who waved his hand and made decisions that sent young men like me to die every day. And you know what I felt upon seeing that man’s shoes up in the air, chuggin cheap beer straight from the tap?” he asked the group. “Comfort,” he answered without waiting for a response. “I was comforted.Was it the most dignified thing for a man of his position to do? No. But it reminded me that deep down that mysterious creature was just like us. At one time he was in our shoes, and at his core he was still that person. And I want them to feel that about you.”
They arrived outside the tavern itself. They could already hear the boisterous sound of the occupants inside. Celestia was almost speechless. In its own way it was a...genuinely thoughtful gesture. She was almost concerned about the human.
Shane continued. “Especially since there is a fair chance you WILL be sending them to die, somewhat indirectly because of me. So we’re gonna go in there, and you’re going to ask to join them,” he said to the alicorns. “And we’re gonna drink, laugh, and we’re gonna have fun and forget for a few hours that the world is burning. And if there’s a keg in there so help me god you’re gonna do a keg stand.”
Before they could respond Shane bodily shoved the pair of alicorns through the swinging doors. Celestia was thrust into the darkened tavern along with her sister. Like last time every pony in the room turned and saw their rulers at the entrance way, making a mad scramble to right themselves and bow to their diarchs.
Celestia raise a hoof to stop them. “Please, my little ponies, be at ease. I assure you We are not here to interrupt your night,” she soothed motherly.
A young officer raised his head, a slight blush in his cheeks from a few drinks and clearly not sure of what was going on. He cleared his throat and spoke anyway. “How, maywe be of service, yer highness?”
“There’s no need for that, Lieutenant. We know the past few weeks have been stressful for you all. I want you all to know that your service is appreciated. We are happy to see that you have a chance to relax and enjoy yourselves. I while I know the last thing you probably wanted to see on your time off was your boss.” she said with a smile that got more than a few chuckles from the collected guards. “But we hope that tonight you allow us this small intrusion. If you would have us we were hoping to join you tonight to celebrate the work you’ve done.”
There was a terrible pause as the collected stallions and mares processed her request. Perhaps Shane was wrong. Maybe they did fear her. She cursed herself for allowing some bipedal alien to put her in such a predicament.  She surely looked a fool.
A single drunken unicorn guard nearly fell off his stool as he raised his glass. “TO THE PRINCESS!”
Relief washed over her as the entire bar cheered their affirmation, seeming much more thrilled by the idea than Celestia feared they would be.
The doors behind them were kicked open as if on cue by the human who silenced the applause and earned many bizarre looks from the collection of bar ponies. Celestia turned to see he had a flailing Shining Armor thrown bodily over his shoulder and an amused Cadance tucked under his arm by the barrel. Why she had no idea. Whatever had transpired in the hallway in such a short period of time was beyond her.
Shane dropped Shining Armor to the ground like a sack of potatoes as he made his way passed the alicorns into the bar. He raised his free arm into the air prophetically. “SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA, ALL YOU CAN DRINK ON ME!!!” he shouted.
The uproar of cheers from the crowd were deafening as hooves stomped and cheers went out.
Shane set Cadance on the ground gingerly. “See?” he told the pink alicorn. “My cheers were louder than Celestia’s”


~~~~~


A bar-pony set a tray down complete with a large bottle of amber liquid along with several empty low-ball glasses at the booth that Shane shared with Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor. Luna had long since delved into one of her many historic war stories which she regaled a group of young guardsponies at the other end of the bar.
Shane took the bottle preemptively, pulling the cork with his teeth and spitting it uselessly onto the floor. He flipped the glasses in front of each of his table mates with practiced ease. “So an Empress eh?” He began, eyeballing the Pink alicorn of Love with a mixture of dubiousness and admiration. “Love the title. Empress of the Crystal Empire.” Shane repeated as he  poured a small amount into each of the now turned glasses with the exception of Shining Armor who’s glass was filled near to the spilling point. “Have you ever given any thought to annexing Equestria? You seem like a much funner co-conspirator than the two insufferable alicorns I currently find myself in cahoots with.”
Cadance laughed. The alien clearly didn’t really understand the relationship between  the two regions. Not that he had any reason to, she rationalized. And since she was like...roughly  ninety-ish percent sure he was joking she decided there was no harm in playing along. “You know the thought has occasionally crossed my mind,” she teased with a scoff from her aunt. “And though a glorious coup it would surely be... I think you’ll find a few ponies might not be overly fond of the prospect.”
Shane pfft’d. “You mean them?” he stuck a thumb at Celestia with one hand and leveled the other thumb in the general direction of Luna. “Honey, I’ll kill them right now. You could just waltz in and take the place. Their military is a joke. I’ve seen it.” He assured.
Celestia hummed as she sipped her glass of whiskey with the same mildly pleased expression she sipped her tea with. “Oh yes. I am sure a brutish drunk shall succeed in killing me where the legions of evil and darkness have failed.”
Shane ignored her and turned back toward Cadance. “I’ll even make you a deal,” he tapped the table a few times. “I’ll kill Celestia and Luna and I will hand you Equestria on a silver platter...if you agree to divorce Shining Armor, right now.”
Cadance rubbed her hoof against her chin thoughtfully humming intently. “Hmmm...tempting indeed.”
Shining even cracked a smile. “Keep dreaming, my love. You’d have more to lose in that divorce than I would.” He winked at his royal wife who laughed somewhat awkwardly.
“You might be surprised,” she answered cryptically drawing curious head-cocks from both Shiny and Shane respectively.
“I GOT EM!” Pinkie Pie roared as she rocketed through the doors with every single squirming element of harmony wrapped in her forelegs.
“Atta girl!” Shane cupped a hand to his mouth and complimented the young cotton candy colored earth pony on her retrieval of additional party guests. .
“Pinkie Pie! Put me down this very instant!” Rarity’s fury echoed throughout the bar causing more than a few guardsponies to chuckle goodnaturedly at their expense.
A crack of energy flashed as Twilight teleported herself away from the clingy kidnapping pink party pony. She re-appeared by the table that Cadance shared with Shining Armor and the human, she took a breath of relief only to be snatched off the ground by the scruff of the neck by Shane who make a happy sound as he deposited her next to him in their little booth.
“That kinda hurts you know. I’m not a puppy.” She shot the human a dirty look as she rolled her shoulders and settled into the booth.
Shane ignored her. “You wanna drink, Sparky? We’re having one,” he stated as if to entice her into it, even going as far as to wiggle the bottle a little bit, causing the amber liquid to slosh slightly.
Twilight sighed exhaustedly. “You know what? Sure.” she caved. Shane brightened and set a cup in front of the young purple mare, pouring a small amount into her glass.
“Finish your drink, Captain,” he added, turning on the stallion with narrowed eyes and spitting the word captain out with the same inflection one usually reserved for words like maggot or scum.
Shining Armor recognized a challenge when he saw one. Celestia’s advice echoed somewhere in the back on his head. Childish though it seemed, even for Shane. The stallion dumped the entirety of the glass down his throat, making sure not to show any sign of discomfort as the liquid fire blazed down his gullet. Deciding very boldly to raise the stakes a little. He licked his teeth and pushed his glass toward the human tapping his hoof on the table expectantly.
Shane’s head cocked almost imperceptibly as he failed to keep the grin off his face. “Alright, boy scout. Let’s play.” He muttered nearly sounding pleased. He leveled the bottle back toward Shiny and filled the stallions cup up once more. Shining Armor threw back the second glass as easily as the first. Shane pursed his lips and almost nodded.
Twilight shrugged as she attempted to mimic her brother by downing her own glass, coughing and sputtering as the whiskey hit her tongue. Shane laughed and patted the unicorn on the back. “Get it girl! Git you some!” He encouraged. As she blinked the tears out of her eyes. Shane rubbed her back affectionately until her episode passed. “Maybe you should go to the bar and get a ...wine spritzer or something?” Twilight nodded and sniffled as she slid out of the booth and headed toward the bar. “Tell them you want a Zinfandel!” Twilight waved a hoof dismissively as she walked away.
“Why Zinfandel?” Celestia asked as she sipped at her own glass of whiskey, blowing the heat from her throat.
Shane watched Twilight disappear through the crowd toward the bar. “My sister liked Zinfandels…” he commented quietly. Turning back toward the table pouring himself another large drink. “She’d put ICE CUBES in them…” He shook his head disapprovingly as he swallowed the rest of his drink. He pushed Cadance’s glass a little closer to her with his free hand to indicate his desire for the pink alicorn to indulge in the festivities, of which, she had thus far abstained.
Cadance’s smile became forced. She looked up from her drink to the human who peered over his glass, apparently not failing to take notice of her hesitation. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
A sudden commotion drew their attention. Applejack was smiling wildly as she hog tied a guard who had, in his inebriated state, apparently gotten a little too grabby. Shane stuck his finger and thumb in his mouth, producing an ear-splitting whistle. “BEAT HIS ASS, TRISH!” He shouted encouragingly. “Better go save your boy there, Captain,” Shane laughed.
Shining Armor was already maneuvering out of the booth. “Yeah,” he sighed. He may have been off-duty but he was still responsible for the safety of his soldiers, and Applejack may have been a national heroine, but she wasn’t known for pulling punches.
Cadance took the distraction to toss the contents of the whiskey glass over her shoulder very discreetly. She adopted a sour face as she slapped the glass back on the table with a  satisfying clack. She fanned herself slightly with a hoof to play it off a bit even managing to water up her eyes.
Shane grinned at the pink alicorn, as he re-filled his own glass. Celestia tsk’d as the last of the amber liquid fell into the glass. “You’re going to make yourself sick….again.” She chided.
Shane groaned. “Jesus, could you just stop being my mom for like a few hours? Please? I don’t know if you recall, But I kinda lost my only chance at rescue about...oh…” Shane looked at his broken watch. “Like four hours ago? Roughly?. I’m coping. Just let it happen.” He downed his drink.
“What?” Cadance asked clearly not fully up to speed.
“Long story…” Shane dismissed wincing slightly.
Twilight made her way back toward the group with a pink Zinfandel in her magic, accompanied by Rarity
“Hello, Major,” she cooed as she approached alongside Twilight, a light blue colored cocktail in a martini glass held aloft in her own magic.
Shane turned toward the unicorns with a pleased smile. “Ms. Rarity, how kind of you to join us.”
The mare cleared her throat as she glanced back toward Pinkie Pie, who was currently nosing Fluttershy toward the bar. “Yes, well, I’d like to say I was summoned willingly but seeing as we’re all here now. We may as well make the best of it, wouldn’t you say?”
“I would,” he gestured at Shining Armor’s empty seat. “Please.”
Rarity lowered her nose toward the floor, “Your highnesses.”
“Please dispense with the formalities, my little pony. We are “off the clock” if you will.” Celestia chuckled.
Rarity smiled and settled into the booth with Twilight and Cadance.
“So,” Shane began. “How’ve you been?”
Rarity laughed, “Over the passed few hours since we last saw each other?”
“Just a few hours?” He shook his head. “Time does seem to drag on when you aren’t around.”
Rarity’s cheeks grew a few shades darker but she smiled all the same. “Oh do be careful, Major. If I were less astute I daresay I would think you were flirting with me.”
Shane grinned back, “I think you’re very astute. But if we’re being candid I’m really only using you to try and make Celestia jealous.”
The alicorn actually started to laugh at her sudden and unexpected inclusion, playing along. “Make ME jealous? I seem to recall you refusing my invitation to my bed, Major...”
Twilight started to choke on her drink.
Shane continued without missing a beat. “Far be it from me to try and make an honest woman of you...tryna give it up on the second date and such,- OW!” he exclaimed as Celestia cuffed him on the back of the head with her wing.


~~~~~~


The night wore on. Celestia could not accurately recall a time where she had smiled so genuinely for so long. She, of course, maintained her dignity as a ruler and alicorn. None too keen on getting obliterated in front of her guards and soldiers. She did however allow herself to mingle amongst her mortal subject to a degree she normally would not have. She prided herself on her ability to remember and memorize the names and faces of her staff but there was no way to meet them all, much less remember them.
She met many a stallion or mare in her service that night, several because they had wandered too close to Shane who would pluck them from the ground and deposit them in the booth to be questioned. “Research on ponykind” is what he kept calling it. Interview and assess. Catch and release. He would often demand their opinion of the government or Celestia’s ability to rule, directly in front of the alicorn, the ponies would be flustered and scramble for an inoffensive answer. Celestia took it in stride, but one thing became abundantly clear. Shane was right, these ponies may love her...but they were indeed terrified of her. She began to wonder if the human was doing this on purpose, to prove his point by wounding her where he knew she was most vulnerable. More likely he was simply attempting to  play with her, much like he did with Luna.
While Celestia had no intention of drinking to excess, Shane had no such inhibitions. Imbibing spirits of all colors and flavors and throwing himself into the festivities. He fled from sobriety like one might run from a pack of wolves.
Shane was currently leaning against Luna, who was, while more sober than the human, extremely inebriated as well.
“I think we better call this one a night,” Celestia said worryingly to Cadance and Twilight. “Shane is suppose to lead an expedition into Whitetail Wood tomorrow. And Luna and I have meetings all day.”
A noise drew their attention. Shane was slowly pounding an empty mug against the wooden table. Creating a steady rhythm that echoed throughout the bar as everypony stopped their conversations to watch the intoxicated human.
Luna began to tap her hoof against the table in the same rhythm. Shane began to hum the tune to a song nopony could recognize. Several other guards joined in, pounding hooves against the tables or floor. Soon there was a semblance or harmony to the sharp beat, and the human’s tune and it filled the bar.
Shane opened his mouth and began to sing over the resonating hooves.
“In the deep, dark hills of eastern Kentucky, 
...that’s the place where I trace my bloodline!”
He sang with the wild abandon of a man who was too far gone to care about what others may have thought. And though the human was no professional, his song was sorrowful and haunting, as if all the pain and loss and fear he had bottled inside him came out all the sudden.
And it’s there I read on a hillside gravestone,
You’ll never leave Harlan alive…”

Ponykind was no stranger to the sudden spontaneous song, the magic of Harmony permeated Equestria like radiation permeated Chernobyl. But this felt different. It was not a hopeful or optimistic tune. It was a song of hardship and toil, and yet so full of pride and longing. He was singing his goodbye to home. Dangerous and flawed, much like himself, it was still his home. Celestia became intimately aware she was witnessing a significant event. Even if the human himself did not know it. A new chapter of his life was laid before him. But moving on meant leaving parts of himself behind.
Shane finished out his song as he leaned back on his stool a little too far to hit the final notes. He fell backwards with a thunderous crash and his massive frame smash a few smaller stools to splinters. The stallions and mares cheered for the drunk alien as he threw up a thumb to indicate his well being.
The final notes of the human’s song echoed in her ears. “Yep," she agreed with herself. It’s time to go. Cadance, Shining Armor, can you get Shane back to his cell? I’m going to take Luna back to her room.”
“I think we can handle it,” Cadance winked at Shining Armor who blushed, not really understanding why his wife was suddenly being flirty.
A barely conscious Shane was thrown over Shining Armor’s back via Cadance’s magic. The stallion groaned slightly, but despite the human’s density, stood firm. He was heavy but nothing the stallion couldn’t handle. His height was the tricky part. Fully draped over Shiny his arms and legs still grazed the ground. It was a careful balancing act.
“Wherewe goin?” The human slurred.
“You’re going to bed,” Shiny said as they made their way toward the door.
“Goodnight Chesty!” Shane shouted at the guards who were left in the bar, who raised their glasses and cheered back. Shane seeming satisfied with the response appeared to fall back asleep.
Celestia held Luna by her side with a snow white downy wing. Luna was still ambulatory, but she did sway quite a bit if left on her own. “Goodnight my little ponies. Thank you for an unforgettable night, but I am afraid we must get back to business as usual.” There was an audible groan if disappointment from the bar. “We bid you all a goodnight.” She inclined her head Luna followed suit. The stallions and mares cheered for their diarchs until they dissapeared through the doors.
“That was fun,” Luna said simply.
“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t enjoyed myself.” Celestia admitted. She spotted Shining Armor and Cadance hauling off the human who had begun to mumble-sing another song as he was taken to bed. His final words still ringing in Celestia's head. 


~~~~~


“-there stood a log cabin made of earth and wood, where lived a captain boot named Shiney B Goode,” Shane half sang as he swayed on the back of the stallion, presumably changing the words to include him. “Who never ever learned to screw or fight so well but somehow got a hot wife, at least from what I can tell…” he reached out and poked Cadance in the side. The alicorn giggled shying out of the human’s reach. “Go! Go! Go, Shiney go!”
The pair of ponies ventured into the dungeon, Shining Armor leading Cadance to Shane’s cell. “You’ve been keeping him here?” she asked distastefully.
“He practically demanded to stay here. Princess Celestia has apparently been trying to get him to move in to the castle for weeks.” Shining Armor ventured into the human’s room, carefully rolling him off of his back and into the cot. The human was just laying there with closed eyes and a sort-of dizzy smile on his face.
“Watch him for a second,” Shining Armor asked the pink alicorn. “I’m gonna see who’s on his guard shift tonight.”Cadance nodded gesturing the stallion out the door.
Cadance looked around the room. Soft padded walls and floor. She wondered how long the human had been in this room. All manner of alien devices and weapons lay around. She prodded a dark obsidian tablet with her hoof, curiously.
“Don’t touch that,” Shane croaked from his cot. Cadance pulled her hoof back and folded her ears. Shane hadn’t opened his eyes or moved at all. She wondered how he had seen her. She apologized anyway.
“So how far along are you?” he asked casually. Cadance’s froze. Had she heard correctly? Shane turned his head and opened one eye curiously at the alicorn, clearly seeing the panic on her face. “Oh it’s still a secret.” He muttered. “He doesn’t know yet does he?” Shane smiled wickedly and began to chuckle, before becoming suddenly serious. “He is the father, right?”
Cadance turned on the human, “Of course he’s the father! What kind of mare do you think I am!?”
Shane threw up his hands defensively, “M jus' askin'!”
“I just... haven’t found the right time to tell him yet!” she defended. “I had it all planned out but then you happened!”
“Yeah, okay. Like it's my fault,” he laughed humorlessly.
“How did you even know?” she asked in a hushed tone.
Shane shrugged. He closed his eyes, seeming to go back to sleep. “I took a guess.”
“Just…” Cadance looked back at the door apprehensively. “Please don’t tell him yet,” she begged. I’ll tell him soon I just wanted it to be special.”
“What’s gonna be special?” Shining Armor asked as he entered back in the room.
Cadance squeaked as she spun toward the stallion. “Oh nothing!” She smiled sweetly. “Just talking to the Major.”
Shiny chuckled as he approached the prone biped. “Must’ve been a boring conversation.” He waved his hoof in front of the human’s face. Shane was out like a light, dead to the world. His chest rose and fell as he snored softly, sure to wake up to a terrible hangover the next day.
Shiny turned back toward his wife. Cadance had a troubled distant expression on her face. “Are you alright?” he asked growing concerned.
Cadance snapped back to reality. “Yes! I mean, it’s nothing. I’m just tired. Long day, you know.” She chuckled nervously.
Shiny smiled, nuzzling his wife affectionately. “Come on, let’s go get some sleep.”
Cadance took one last look at the sleeping alien. Hoping he had heard her before passing out. And hoping further still that he could keep a secret...at least for a little while.