“-cess -ighlight...”
“Princess Twilight?”
The taste of lima jolted Twilight's mind from the dark recesses of the abyss back to something more or less like a fuzzy interpretation of reality.
“Come on Princess Twilight, shake it off.”
“Yeah,” the snark of an unknown voice piped in. “Just shake off being dead.”
“Not helping.”
“I'm a guard. We haven't even gotten to PRACTICE doing that...”
“So I've noticed. Where even WERE you when I launched my attack in the name of the Storm King?”
“Badlands training. Didn't you read the opening narrative?”
“You're not related to the Pie family are you?”
“Not that I know of. Why?”
“Never mind, just help me get her on her hooves...”
Twilight's eyes shot open as she gasped for air. In a flash of warmth, all her aches and the sensation of seared skin were gone. Standing around her were Fizzlepop, a guard, and Piccolo.
“What...” she coughed. “What happened? I remember trying to figure out that energy sense and the next, fire.”
“Well,” Piccolo started. “I know you didn't dodge, considering my Ki-blast pretty much Yamcha'd you on the spot-”
“You died,” the guard interrupted helpfully.
“I'm pretty certain she was only ninety-NINE percent dead,” Piccolo glared irritably at the armored stallion. “Otherwise the Senzu wouldn't have worked.”
“Hey,” the guard shrugged. “Her heart stopped. That's clinically dead in most Equestrian medical circles.”
Piccolo raised a brow-plate.
“Most?”
The guard paused, glancing at Twilight, who was still trying to piece the situation together.
“We don't talk about the necromancer's guild.”
Even Fizz gave the guard an uncertain look.
Shaking her head, Twilight cracked her neck, glancing over her shoulder to make sure both of her wings and her tail were still there. Nothing seemed out of place.
“So what did I miss?” she asked, turning back to the three.
“Well,” Piccolo began. “Aside from thirty seconds of DODGE! Practice- hold on a second...”
Piccolo turned, casting his foreleg out and launching over a dozen bright death spheres into the air.
“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” he screamed, then turned back Twilight.
“...Not much.”
“That's another thing!” Twilight snapped. “Ever since you got here, you haven't done anything except hit us, yell at us, and blow us up! How is that supposed to be TRAINING?!”
Piccolo frowned, casting sidelong glances at Fizzlepop and the unnamed guard. They returned the glance with a shrug and eye-roll respectively.
“Well,” the changeling finally returned. “It's worked out so far...”
Eyes turned back to where explosions began rocking the training field and yelps of the other three princesses could be heard as they all danced around. A particularly pained scream announced Celestia missing a step and getting blasted through the air.
“...Mostly.”
Twilight gaped incredulously at the carnage in the distance, her eyes slowly wrenching themselves back to Piccolo.
“H-HOW IS THIS WORKING OUT?!”
“LISTEN UP, NERD!” Piccolo suddenly boomed in a tone that would have given Princess Luna's royal equestrian a run for its bits. “MY JOB IS TO TRAIN YOU HOW TO AVOID BEING HIT! AND SO FAR! YOU'RE FAILING!”
The sudden burst of volume from the strange changeling caused Twilight to take a step back, her ears folding back in trepidation. Piccolo just continued to glare at her for several seconds. Then, without any warning, he threw his foreleg out, hoof aimed at her face.
Twilight cringed and turned her head away, eyes closed.
“What,” Piccolo's voice began in slow, segmented growls. “The hell.”
One of the princess's eyes opened as she noted that explosions had yet to come this time.
“Dodge,” Piccolo stated flatly. Twilight cringed again, but didn't move.
“DODGE!” the changeling shouted this time. Twilight still didn't move.
“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!” he bellowed in her face.
“Princess Twilight,” Fizzplepop chimed in. “He means MOVE!”
“Move, avoid, get out of the way...” the guard commented helpfully.
“It's DODGE!” Piccolo snapped angrily. “Not brace for impact! The whole point of this exercise is for you to recognize and avoid overwhelming power! To ingrain the reflex to try and avoid any and all attacks that you can so that you don't get caught off guard when some IDIOT with an axe to grind comes along and Yamcha's you!”
“And how does blowing us up and kicking us through walls HELP with that?!” Twilight snapped back, gaining some confidence. “Didn't you just say you literally nearly killed me?! I could have DIED!”
“Because it WORKS!” Piccolo growled. Then his eyes glanced to the side. “Mostly... What other way would I use?”
Twilight's confidence gained traction.
“I don't know! Throw tennis balls at us? Something that doesn't come with years of therapy and a Pavhoovian fear of a word for the rest of our life?!”
Silence reigned for several seconds as changeling and princess squared off at each other. Then, after an indeterminate amount of time, Piccolo spoke.
“Tennis balls...” he all but hummed, eyes narrowing.
“Tennis balls,” Twilight replied with a nod.
More silence, tense as a bungee cord at full extension. Then, suddenly, piccolo stood up on his hind legs, reaching for the turban on his head.
“Right.,” he rumbled. “I didn't think I was going to have to do this...”
Pulling, he removed the turban as well as his cape, thrusting them out towards Fizzle and the guard.
“Hold these for me,” he stated.
Nodding, the two stepped forward take take the articles. Piccolo let them go, and both ponies unceremoniously hit the dirt.
“Oh...” the changeling glanced to the side. “I probably should mention those are heavy.”
“Heavy?!” Fizzlepop gasped in shock.
Ignoring any further comments, the changeling turned back to Twilight. With his full physique revealed, the princess couldn't help but fight back a blush as he rolled his head around, popping his neck and cracking his... How was he cracking his hooves?
“So...” Piccolo stated in a disturbingly calm tone. “Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to start throwing my most powerful blasts at you. And you're going to dodge.”
Twilight's attention instantly went to the changeling's face.
“What?!” she gaped. “I just said it would be better to-”
“If you don't dodge,” Piccolo continued as a faint flaming aura started to build around him. “You will be annihilated. Completely.“
“But-” Twilight tried to get in.
“COMPLETELY!” Piccolo snarled, his aura exploding into a self-contained thunderstorm with energy rolling off him in spades. “And then you can sit in the afterlife for a few days to contemplate your F-minus-minus grade in combat evasion!”
“That's not even a grade!” Twilight shouted, indignation warring with raw fear. Piccolo didn't bother to argue, however, as he raised a hoof into the air and began to form a sphere of raw power that blazed with the heat of a million suns. Twilight glanced around, certain the changeling wouldn't take a shot like that with noncombatants still around her. Except the guard was nowhere to be found, and Fizzlepop was sprinting away like her tail had caught fire.
“You better dodge this!” Piccolo snarled. His leg came down, and Twilight locked up, her mind astounded by the amount of power she was looking at.
“PICCOLOOOOO!!!!!”
The new voice distracted the changeling for a moment and his swing went slightly wide. The blazing ball of doom shoot past, singing Twilight's ear before it zipped off towards the horizon. Then, with a flash that rivaled the sun for brightness, it annihilated a mountain. Twilight Sparkle let out a frigid breath as she tracked her eyes along the projectile's path.
“I... really hope nopony lived there,” she breathed in horror.
“Yeah,” Piccolo replied in almost conversational tone. “Like I said, we have dragon balls. If anyone's dead, we'll just wish them back.”
Then, he turned, looking up.
“What do you want, Bulma?!”
A large, spherical machine of some kind descended from the sky with a whine, settling onto the ground in the middle of the field. Down a ramp that snapped open with no fanfare whatsoever trotted an earth pony with a cyan mane, a purple-haired foal giggling on her back.
“Well,” she cast a glance around the field, noting the many craters and smoldering grass. “I guess in any dimension, boys will be boys. Or... I guess here that's: colts will be colts. Explosions certainly aren't any different.”
She trotted up to the changeling, glancing at Twilight for a moment before addressing the former.
“So yeah, I hate to interrupt your cathartic abuse of adorable sapient equines, but Vegeta's at it again.”
Piccolo snorted, dropping to all fours and glaring.
“And now is that my problem?” he asked.
“It probably isn't” the cyan-maned mare shrugged. “But he skipped off to some place called New Vegeta like the arrogant ass he is and took half the reception with him, including Gohan.”
“And there's a point here?” Piccolo asked. Bulma took a moment to coo over her shoulder at her foal before continuing.
“Yeah... Well, not long after, Goku popped in asking me if I knew anything about a south galaxy being destroyed. I put two and two together and realized this could get real nasty, really quick. Then I remembered you were off through a magic portal and it would probably be a good idea to let you know. Some girl named Sunset pointed me in the right direction and here I am.”
Bulma glanced down at her hooves for a moment, then looked back up to give Piccolo the once-over.
“I have to say, I'm impressed. We did seem to turn into more or less appropriate equine versions of ourselves. I could have gone for the magic horn, though. If it weren't for voice command, I wouldn't be able to control my vehicle with this level of manual dexterity.”
“Yeah,” Piccolo grumbled. “I can't use some of my techniques without fingers. So what's this about Gohan?”
“Like I said,” Bulma shrugged. “He's off with Vegeta to some planet named New Vegeta, and there's apparently something that kills galaxies going around, and I can't help but feel that with our luck, all actors are going to meet on the same stage.”
“Which means?”
“Which means,” the earth pony rolled her eyes. “Gohan is in mortal danger, and you should probably hop to it.”
Like a switch being flipped, Piccolo suddenly turned, plucking his cape and turban off the ground and donning them as before.
“Right,” he stated, his voice much more brisk than before. “New Vegeta?”
“Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I left a capsule with Sunset, the coordinates are already plugged in. There's food for Goku and an extra shirt for Vegeta. Plus some books for Gohan. Chi Chi would kill me otherwise.”
“Got it,” Piccolo took to the air. “Bacon Bits, Capsule, New Vegeta, food, shirt, books. Got it!”
“WAIT!”
All eyes snapped to Twilight.
“That's IT?!” she asked in shock. “You come here, blow us up for five minutes, and then you just LEAVE?!”
“Oh,” Bulma stepped in. “Don't take it personally. Piccolo's just got more pressing concerns now. I'm sure he'll be back to train you more later...”
Then she turned her eyes up to the changeling, her voice becoming dangerous.
“It IS training, right?”
“You know Vegeta would be the one beating on these creatures for the sake of beating on them. Not me.”
“Right,” Bulma nodded, rolling her eyes. “Because that would totally be Vegeta. He's also not allowed anywhere NEAR the portal.”
With a curt nod, Bulma turned back to Twilight as Piccolo rocketed away with an 'I'm Coming Gohan!” shouted into the distance.
“So yeah,” the earth pony smiled disarmingly. “Sorry about that. Saving the world is kind of their thing at this point, and I keep getting put on janitor duty.”
“Oh,” Twilight lowered her head sheepishly. “Don't worry about it. It's just that-”
“Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I know. Piccolo's idea of training is a little on the extreme side. Just ask Gohan. Speaking of which, I had a quick chat with Sunset and she said she'd get a hold of someone to take over for Piccolo in the mean time. If I remember what she told me correctly, he should have beaten me here. Something about the guy knowing all kinds of shortcuts.”
“Really?” Twilight asked. “I hope he's not crazy violent like Piccolo...”
Then the princess shuddered.
“I'm not familiar with this guy,” Bulma tilted her head to the side. “I couldn't tell you. Though it is hard to-”
Bulma trailed off, her eyes going wide as she stared at something behind Twilight. The princess noticed the look as the mare in front of her visibly lost some color. Then, a hollow metallic 'thunk' resounded behind her.
Twilight spun around, noting the guard helmet on the ground and the gu-
-the skull staring back at her.
“GAH!” Twilight jumped back.
“Hello again, Princess.” The skull grinned back at her. Twilight's face quickly matched Bulma's as she took a step back.
“Sk-” she stuttered. “Skeleton...?”
“Really?” what appeared to be a former guard looked down. “I didn't think I weighed that much.”
With a flourish, Bulma spun about and trotted back up the ramp into her vehicle.
“Yeah, I'm done here...” she snapped, leaving Twilight alone with the... Thing. It spoke again.
“Huh... Her loss. Now...”
Despite not having any visible flesh to speak of, the eyes were very much visible as it settled into an un-guardspony-like slouch.
“I noticed you have a tough time dodging,” it continued. “I'd like to think I'm pretty good at that. And if you don't mind...”
One of its eyes glinted a pale blue. Twilight felt her fur stand on end as the energy sense she was still trying to wrap her mind around started picking up several unsettling signatures.
“I'd like to give you a free lesson.”
Several more skulls suddenly faded in around the undead thing, magic brimming in their mouths.
“As a friend. For another friend.”
“TWILIGHT!” the princess heard her sister in law shout. “DON'T JUST STAND THERE!”
DODGE!
Advanced Basic Combat Training for Pathetically Passive Pretty Pony Princesses