I would like to f*ck you, if that's okay with you

by andrizzi


Begin

Twilight knew she was an analytical mare. Which was good, by her book. Being analytical meant to really look at things, to keep looking from more perspectives in order to satisfy her own curiosity. Curiosity was also a good thing because it drove her to search for more knowledge and prevented her from ignoring something that looked trivial but was actually important.

These quality were quite helpful on many occasions. Like that night, when she was in her bed, staring at the ceiling with fully open eyes, thinking about one of her questions.

Why can’t I sleep?

Told you it seemed trivial. How many of you wondered about that?

Anyway, Twilight didn’t understand why she couldn't sleep. That made her feel worried, and the worry only aggravated her problem. Since she wanted to sleep a little that night, Twilight figured she only had two options.


She really, really wanted to pick option 1. Unfortunately, she knew herself to well to actually believe she could bring herself to ignore anything troubling, even if she had to fight against her tiredness. I wonder if all the times I put work over sleep is going to cause me health issue on the long term, she thought as she sat up on her bed and magically lit up her horn like a bulb.

First thing first, she reached for her nightstand and rechecked her checklist to check if she had forgotten something. Waking up, brushing her teeth, having breakfast… etc, etc… everything was already checked. Including checking the checklist, which made this a re-recheck of the checklist. I feel safe to assume I didn’t forget anything, she concluded.

But then, what’s it? Twilight rubbed her eyes to cast away that annoying itching behind her eyeballs and tried to think of anything that could bother her. For what she recalled, nothing happened that could throw her off. That day had been perfectly normal… except for one thing.

Even if she would gladly forget about it, that conversation did get under her coat.

Conclusion, Twilight was going crazy because of her encounter with Direct Straight. Going crazy was depriving her of her sleep. Not sleeping was driving her even more crazy.

Since she had acknowledged the problem, all she had to do at that point was to choose a course of action. Please, Twilight, she thought to herself, joining her hooves in a silent pleading. Just for this once, why don’t you just forget about this petty problem and go to sleep? I promise you can go and do something about it first thing tomorrow if you still want but please go to sleep now.

Hoping to have come to terms with herself, Twilight smiled and tucked herself under the covers with a smile. She comfortably laid her nape over the cushion and turned off the horn-bulb. As darkness embraced her, she closed her eyes and let herself drown in silence and peace.

After all, who cares if there’s one annoying pony who goes around makes absurd or upsetting requests to complete strangers, she thought, drifting away in the sea of rest. Yep, I’m sure he’s harmless. I can totally ignore one simple fellow citizen that doesn’t know how to build a relationship properly. Who cares if he’s in the wrong and nopony tells him differently, right? Suddenly, Twilight’s smile died down. I mean, it’s not like I’m willingly ignoring somepony that could benefit from my help. Twilight frowned with every muscle of her muzzle. Nonono, don’t see it like that. I’m sure he’s a fine guy once you get to know him. Sure, he makes an awful first impression and that must be terrible for him and maybe he’s miserable and lonely and I should help him but… but…

Pouting, Twilight opened her eyes, threw the covers away with one strong push, jumped off the bed, stretched every muscle in her body, and trotted out of her chambers.

As she left, one last regretful thought went to her bed. So close…


THUMP THUMP THUMP

Twilight knocked three more times at the town hall, then she checked the clock tower. According to it, she had been waiting for five minutes. She considered that enough time to assume nopony was going to open.

Luckily for her, she didn’t need anypony. She had her magic and she clearly remembered that one time Mayor Mare had told her she could enter the facility at any time if it was for the crown. Twilight was smart, she knew she was perfectly in time for ‘anytime’.

Twilight moved through the doors with a teleport and instantly moved to the archive. It was going to take some work, but she was quite sure she could find out an address by the name of its resident.


THUMP THUMP THUMP

As she knocked, Twilight assumed it was a lovely morning. The sun was rising behind her (she knew that because her shadow was projected on the door in front of her) and the temperature was a little chill but in a good way. A usual morning in Ponyville –one she could normally enjoy– when she was too tired to walk straight. Of course, maybe it’s because I spent the entire night searching between all the registers to find one name over hundreds and O LOOK IT WAS ON THE LAST PAGE! CLASSIC!

If the data in the hall were spot on, she was at Direct Straight’s home. The address was among the furthest from town, reason why it took her so long to find. The house itself was plain normal among the others, green painted with red windows, but there was no trace of its owner. Twilight groaned out in frustration and waited for anypony to open the door.

Waiting, she realized she didn't know how she was going to talk with him. Was she supposed to be friendly? Or, since this was a friendship problem, it was better to show authority? She was the Princess of friendship, after all, so it made sense to give him a royal speech. Actually, she didn't even know what to tell him.

Twilight heard a click from the lock of the door exactly as that detail came to her mind. She panicked, sweat rolled down her forehead. It’s ok, I just have to confront him with tact and composure.

The door opened and Direct Straight appeared on the household, wearing a pink robe with white dots and holding a cup of coffee. As soon as she saw him, Twilight pointed a forehoof at him and yelled, “You're wrong! What you said was wrong, the way you think is wrong, and your persona per se is wrong!”

Nailed it.

It took a few seconds of him looking at her in silence for Twilight to calm down a little.

With the panic going off, Twilight considered what she had just said and, ironically, felt panic going on again. I just screwed up. I screwed up everything. Dear Princess Celestia Ijustscrewedupandthisisgonnabeascandal. Twilight noticed that she was breathing erratically from her mouth and instinctively raised a hoof to her chest. She glanced at Direct to see his reaction but he looked identical from when he appeared. He eyed her with his half-lidded eyes, looking as unimpressed and almost bored just as their previous encounter.

Not knowing what to say to make things right, Twilight waited for him to do something.

And something he did.

After half a minute of awkward silence, he took a sip from his cup.

A long sip. Without breaking eye contact.

He sucked in, gulped, and said, “Hello, Princess Twilight.”

Twilight’s heart jumped into her throat. He had to be angry for sure. “O dear,” she said in a tiny voice, “I’m so sorry for that…”

“Don’t worry,” he simply said.

Twilight’s guilt shifted to disbelief. He… he isn't hurt?

“Has been my average Monday so far.”

Twilight frowned, genuinely worried about how easily she could actually believe that. Only after she realized he was probably joking. She hoped.

Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice. “Please, why don't you come in?” he casually asked, moving back inside.

Thinking it was better to accept the offer, Twilight walked in and gave a quick look around. His living room was… basic, almost spartan, and with only the essential furniture. He only had a table, a couch, and chairs. Twilight followed him to his kitchen, which was clean and ordered. “Would you like some coffee?” he asked, shaking his cup.

“No, thanks.”

“So… I take you didn't come for sex.”

Twilight gulped as she readied herself. “Yes. I mean, I came here because… what I was trying to do with my goofy attempt from before was to let you know that what you did… the way you attempted to woo me was wrong.” Twilight paused and took a breath, looking at him in the eyes. She had to be clear, but she also wanted to as kind as she could. “I'm sorry,” she said with firm voice, “but you can't just show up and ask a stranger for sex.”

There, I said it, she thought. Now, hopefully, he’ll see the error of his ways and–

“Yes, I can,” he said, putting his cup in the sink.

Twilight choked on her words. “Yes, but it's not–” she stopped to think for the right word “–polite.”

Direct cocked an eyebrow. “Polite?”

Twilight nodded and stared straight at him in a display her determination. He didn’t seem to be affected at first, but then his eyes opened wide, he gasped, and run a hoof through his dark green mane.

“Holy Celestia, you're right,” he said, flabbergasted. “I can't believe how close-minded and rude I was.” He turned towards her with an apologetic look. “Princess Twilight, I owe you a massive apology for the things I said. If it weren't for your persistence, I could have stayed ignorant for most of my entire life.”

Twilight pulled back, impressed by the sudden change. Was her argument really that convincing? Wow, I’m good at this, she thought with a pinch of pride.

Meanwhile, Direct came close and gently took her hoof in his. “Please, allow me to show my gratitude in any way. How about a dinner? It would be an enormous pleasure to dine with such a smart pony and brilliant speaker.”

Woah! This far already? Twilight blushed and tried not to smile for the compliments. I didn’t expect him to change so drastically, what do I do now? I could say no, but then I’ll be discouraging him.On the other hoof, I don’t want to go that easy on him…

Her thoughts derailed as he drew even closer until their muzzles almost touched, and he said with a warm and gentle voice, “Also I promise, I will continue to behave like a perfect gentlecolt until we score.” He brought his lips to her ear and whispered, “Then I'll just ditch you and never show up again.”

Despair.

Twilight felt tears of despair building up. …He did not just say that.

He abruptly let her go and stared at her with the same blunt attitude from before. “Is that polite? I don't think so, but if you count that as preliminaries, I’m okay with it.”

Twilight said nothing, she only glared at him as all her body was shaking with anger.

“Hey, what else do you expect me to do if all I want to do is to get you in my bed?” he asked.

Twilight slowly shook her head. “You’re unbelievable.” She focused on him and decided she deserved to vent something out. “Hadn’t been my responsibility to spread friendship all along Equestria and to help out those who don't realize that friendship is magic, I would have told you to fuck off. You could just listen to me and –I don’t know– maybe learn something to make your life better. Maybe I could help you with having a friend, or to make ponies like you more. For example” --Twilight narrowed her eyes and raised her voice-- “has ever crossed your mind the thought that maybe, just maybe, you could expecting something more from a mare then JUST SEX?”

“Actually, I do have some.”

Twilight blinked. “What?”

“Friends. I have some,” he repeated. “Some of them are mares, too.”

Twilight felt even more lost than before. She thought that a guy like him could never make friends with his attitude. He was just too… direct. Maybe he was lying? Or maybe he didn’t actually know what a true friend was like. Maybe, his friends didn’t like him.

“I pity those poor souls,” wryly commented Twilight. Why hold her tongue, if he wasn’t going to either?

“Just to let you know,” he said, “I’ve always been a good friend to them.”

She scoffed. “So what? I was the only mare you came to asking for sex because I'm special?”

“Sincerely, yes.”

Twilight didn’t know how to reply to that one. …That was unexpected. She even noticed that is eyes were firm on her. He already looked serious before, even despite all his jokes and mischiefs, but now he looked grave.

“I crave you,” he said. “I don't know why, but all I wanted to do since the first time I saw you around with your friends was to–”

“Yeah yeah, caught the drift,” Twilight said ironically. “Why, though? Do I look so smoking hot to you?”

Direct smiled smugly. “Is that what you want to hear?”

“NO!” Maybe?

He started to laugh and Twilight got even madder at him for a moment. But his laugh wasn’t to mock, wasn’t oblivious, or something. His laugh was… actually nice.

He finally stopped laughing and turned to her with a smile. “I have an idea: why don’t we settle a bet?”

“You want to settle an argument with a bet?” asked Twilight, incredulous.

“No. I want to bet on who’s right about this argument. To win the bet we’ll need to establish who’s right and who’s wrong.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “And if you win you get me in your bed?”

His smile died off. “Worse,” he flatly replied. “You’ll have to admit that you’re wrong. Also, your way of thinking is wrong, what you said was wrong, and the way you are is wrong.”

Twilight winced. Damn, I did hurt his feelings, she thought, incapable of holding the eye contact with him.

“Nice comeback,” she admitted. “What if I win?”

He smiled again. “Then, I’ll ask you out for a date.”

“O, come on,” bellowed Twilight. “You expect me to be ok with this? You gain something both ways.”

“Maybe, but you can serve me right if you win.”

Twilight cocked her head. “Huh?”

“I said I’ll ask you out, didn’t say you have to comply.”

‘Oh? Ooooo…’ A smile slowly crept across her lips as understanding hit her. “I’m in.”

Direct offered his right forehoof to her, which she gladly shook with confidence.That fella had no idea who was challenging. “So, how do we find out who’s right?” she asked.

Direct scratched his chin. “How about… a sample test? We gather a few friends, around five or so, and we ask them what they think about the subject of our quarrel.”

Five figures immediately popped up in her head, giving Twilight even more confidence. “I just know who to call.”

“Perfect. But there’s one condition: they must not know about the test.”

“Afraid my friends won’t be arbitrary? That’s fine, but I want to run the test. As a scientist, I promise I’ll take notes for the entire experiment, and we’ll settle score together once we have all the data.”

“Deal.” They shook hooves again, smiling at each other with polite condescension. “How are you going to bring them to spit out their opinion on the matter?”

Twilight did a knowing-it-all laugh. “Don’t worry, I’ll just come up with an excuse.”