//------------------------------// // Rescue Mission // Story: Lost Lightyear of Equestrian Command: The Adventure Begins // by ComedySketch //------------------------------// "This is The Universe, I work here." A voice representing TheLostNarrator said to the audience. An icon of Lost Lightyear appeared on the right as statistics popped up along the left. "The name's Lightyear, Lost Lightyear, I'm an Equestrian Ranger." Another icon appeared, but this one represented ChaoticSeven with a smug look on his face as different stats showed up. "My partner Chaotic DarkPower and I work out of Equestrian Command's universe protection unit. Out of 0800 hours and they sent us the message." she said. An alert flashed on the screen saying "MISSION ASSIGNMENT". Then, a woman announced: "MISSING: THREE RDPs, LAST SEEN EQUESTRIAN COMMAND SCIENCE FAIR! LOCAL MISSION OBJECTIVE, SAVE R.D.P.S.A.S.A.P.E.N.I.S.!" she announced. "We'll find and rescue those missing RDPs, even if it takes us to infinity and beyond...motherfuckers." Lost Lightyear announced.  A gas planet is then seen as geysers of gas bursted from every crater. "Zeta Quadrant: Uncharted Moon" Lost Lightyear, walking across the cliffside, is reporting updates on the mission. "Lost Lightyear Mission Log: We've searched this gaseous planetoid from top to bottom..." Lost said as she flipped up her wrist communicator and reveals a hologram of the 3 missing RDPs. "...with no sign of the missing personal."  Headlights shine in Lost's direction as a car horn is honked. "HEY!" she shouted as an Equestrian Command buggy that was driven by Chaotic. "Come on Losty, nobody reads those shitty reports, it's like Sean Connery narrating about his love of eggs." Chaotic said. "Chaotic my friend." Lost told Chaotic as she walked over to him. "Procedure is what separates us from the wicked forces of chaos." She told him as she put on a pair of high-tech goggles. "Ah, Lost, if it means less paperwork, I'll take Discord's furry ass." Chaotic joked as he got into the buggy and fastened his seatbelt. "Ugh, give it up Losty, this rock's as dead as it looks." Chaotic sighed. Lost walked over to the buggy as more gassy geysers blasted from the moon's many craters. "Never judge a moon by it's crater, we better double check the dark side." She announced to Chaotic. "I'll drive." Chaotic responded with a smirk.  The buggy speeds off onto the bumpy roads of the moon as they drive off a cliff. Then, 3 RDPs jump up from three covered sheets and scream, "REEEEEHHHNNNBBOO DEEERRRRSSSHHH!" as the buggy hits the ground aand screeched to a hault. Lost and Chaotic turn to the back of the buggy and find them. "Well bitch, look at that, mission accomplished, three RDPs disappeared, we just found 3 RDPs." Chaotic said as he flipped up his wrist communicator revealing the same hologram of the missing RDP report. Lost stares at the hologram and is not convinced. "Well, Chaotic, I don't think these are the 3 missing RDPs." Lost said. "Sure, not anymore" Chaotic smirked. "I'm afraid these three are stowaways, ah fuck, there goes my report out the window, HEY!" Lost shouts as she noticed the RDPs from the buggy running away.  "MUST SAVE THE LOST ONES!" The 3 RDPs shouted in unison. "Woah woah woah we'll find ur friends girls, just not here." Chaotic told the RDPs as he stopped them. "Here." One RDP said as they walked passed Chaotic and kept on their merry way. "How can you be so sure?" Lost questioned the RDPs. "Dershlink!" They all said. "Ugh, you shitting me, come on." Chaotic groaned. The 3 RDPs' antennas buzzed as they all said in unison: "EEEEEVVVIIIILLLL!" Chaotic turned to Lost with a bored expression. "Now they're trying to freak us out." Chaotic told Lost. "NO! It's my worst fear come true." Lost replied. "Here we go again." Chaotic mumbled. "This can be the only work of the sworn enemy of Equestria: The Serenader himself." Lost announced as Chaotic faced her with a straight face. "THE FUCK YOU MEAN PLOT?! YOU THINK THE SERENADER IS BEHIND EVERY KITTEN STUCK IN A TREE!" Chaotic boomed. "What fiend, wait, how the fuck would Peanut be involved in The Serenader's nefarious schemas? That doesn't make any fucking sense at all." "All I know is that we searched half of this moon and WHAT DID WE FIND?! A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF NOTHING!" Chaotic shouted.  Lost looked shocked as something emerged from behind Chaotic. "There's something really bad behind me is there?" Chaotic questioned. The thing roared as Chaotic turned around, also in shock. "A 3-HEADED CRATOR SNAKE, LOOK OUT!" Lost shouted as the snake tripped both of them as they hit the ground. They both prepared their lasers to shoot. "3-Headed Crater Snakes never hunt in packs!" Lost exclaimed. "You think they would know that logic?" Packs of snakes headed toward them as Lost and Chaotic shot their lasers at the crater snakes as they got even more aggressive. One snake tried to grab Chaotic but Lost luckily shot it down. "Thanks partner" Chaotic thanked Lost. Lost smiled and went back to shooting the snakes. "Looks like this moon isn't so dead after all." Lost told Chaotic as more crater snakes hit the rocks grounds of the moon.  "THE LOST ONES!" the 3 RDPs said as Lost realized where they were. "THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Lost shouted but had to focus as a crater snake was about to smack her with it's tail. Lost ducked in the nick of time before it could. "This way." One RDP told the others as a crater snake smashed the hole almost killing them. Chaotic tried to get away from one but it was coiling itself in circles. More crater snakes tried to crush both Lost and Chaotic. Lost didn't know what was going on until it was too late and a crater snake grasped Lost off the ground. As the RDPs were trying to find the lost ones, Lost saw them and used her wings to break free from the crater snake's grasp. She flew over and landed down on her back. She blocked the snake from killing the RDPs as she shot her laser and hit it straight in the belly. It screeched in agony as Chaotic was fighting off more snakes. "CHAOTIC, HIT 'EM FROM BELOW!" Lost shouted at Chaotic. "Soft underbellies, eh bitch?" Chaotic mumbled as he used his wings to fly up near the snakes. He pressed his Equestrian Ranger logo and a ray gun came out. "Let's tickle this guy's pussy with this baby" Chaotic joked as he shot more snakes in the belly and made them go under the craters.  "Of course, I should've guessed. A crater snake slag monster mutant!" Lost realized as a big rock opened it's only eye and groaned in anger. Lost and Chaotic were shocked as the monster's crater snakes screeched aggressively. Lost noticed that the RDPs were gone. "THE RDPs!" Lost shouted. The three RDPs were heading towards the mutant as the mutant's crater snaked hissed angrily at them. "Must save the lost ones." The three RDPs said in unison as Lost and Chaotic flew in picked them up. "BITCH, CAN YOU JUST-" Chaotic tried to say. "CHAOTIC, GENDI SPLIT, NOW!" Lost interrupted as they hit some of the snakes. Lost kicked one in the face almost cracking it's skull. Lost and Chaotic flew down to a nearby cliff side. "IS THERE ANY REASON YOU WERE TRYING TO TRY TO SHAKE HANDS WITH A MUTANT ABOUT 20,000 CRATERS?!" Chaotic shouted to the RDPs. "The lost ones are there" They said as the walked over to where the mutant snake monster. "Oh, well I'd say they are now dead corpses" Chaotic responded. "The mutant noticed them and faced in their direction. "Let's get out of here." Chaotic said.  Lost had an idea and decided to go for it. "Nah, I'm going in, follow me." Lost said as she flew in the direction of the mutant. "I HOPE YOU HAVE A PLAN!" Chaotic replied. "It's more so than usual" Lost responded as she pressed a button. Two grappling hooks strangled two snakes, tying them together. Lost and Chaotic kept strangling the snakes, tying the mall into knots. "Now what?" Chaotic asked lost. "Full Throttle, HIT IT!" Lost responded as she went faster and tied the remaining crater snakes together. Chaotic followed as they flew upward and pulled as hard as they can, causing the mutant to struggle to stay on ground. The ground crumbled revealing a circular hatch with a big "S" on the front. "The lost ones aren't in it, they're under it!" Lost exclaimed, still struggling. "NOT...ENOUGH...POWER! Alright, new plan!" Lost and Chaotic aimed their lasers at the Cliffside, planning on crushing the mutant. The Cliffside almist caused one RDP to fall off, but was saved by the other two. A falling piece of rock almost crushed Lost and Chaotic, but they flew through hole safely as it crushed the mutant to death.  "That was your plan?" Chaotic questioned. "Most of it, where are the RDPs?" Lost responded. Chaotic sighed. "Take a fucking guess." He pointed down at the three RDPs on the now-broken cliffside and flew down to the ground. The three RDPs pointed their hooves at the hatch. "Serenader" They said in unison. "I knew it was that dick weasel." Lost responded.