//------------------------------// // Package Delivery // Story: The Rock in the Gulch // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Maud blinked in surprise as she was called back to Red Base at the end of the week. To her surprise, waiting there were two humanoid robots standing tall in black trooper armor, one with blue markings over the entire body in the shape of hoofprints in a polka-dot style pattern. "You're finished already?" she asked in mild surprise, removing her helmet so her raised eyebrow could be visible. "I suppose so," Simmons allowed. "At least...I think I am." Maud turned to stare at him flat-eyed. "You...think." "To be perfectly honest, I have no memory whatsoever of constructing these robots, so I honestly have no idea what they're capable of," Simmons admitted. "How is that possible?" Simmons rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well...Sarge ordered me to write down your requirements, and then drink until they made sense, seemed possible, and sounded like a good idea to try. So I drank until looking at your requirements no longer had me screaming that it didn't seem physically possible...and then one more drink for it to make sense...and one more to figure out how to do it..." Maud waited for Simmons to finish his statement. When no more words were forthcoming, her eyebrow raised again. "My next conscious memory is waking up with my helmet full of vomit," Simmons explained. "When I looked around, I found that Grif was hooked up to a perpetual motion machine that somehow powered itself by kicking him in the dick-" "It just kept kicking me in the dick!" Grif moaned as he staggered by awkwardly. "Why in my dick?" "Sorry about that!" Simmons called out to him. "I still have no idea how or why I did that!" He turned back to Maud. "Anyway, I'd also somehow turned Donut into a disco ball-" "I was so sparkly!" Donut squealed happily. "-and stuck Sarge in a giant hamster ball for some reason," Simmons concluded as Sarge rolled by in a giant pink sphere. Sarge came to a halt and turned to the group. "Teach me to interrupt when drunk science is..." He pulled out a pair of shades and put them on over his helmet. "...on a roll." Turning, he rolled off. "...yeah, he's been doing that ever since, too," Simmons allowed. "When I'd finally managed to clean up most of the mess, I found these guys complete, along with the schematics..." Simmons held up a pair of blueprints that looked like someone had tried to capture in crayon and watercolor dreams only visible if one dropped a gallon of LSD atop a ten pound joint rolled in a page of the Necronomicon. "At least...I think these are schematics..." "Do they meet all my specifications?" Maud asked flatly. "They do," Simmons confirmed. "Or...at least as far as I can tell. The one with the hoofprint markings is the male, and he does look like a bit of a dork. I'm...not really sure how to judge that personally...though he looked a sight better than I did in the mirror while I checked if everything was up to standard." Maud nodded. "And the female robot? Super hot by human standards?" "I will be crying myself to sleep for the next thirty years knowing that it is only in a drunken stupor that I have no conscious memory of that I ever laid hands on such unattainable beauty," Simmons breathed in something akin to religious exaltation. Maud blinked in confusion. "Is that a yes?" she asked quietly. "I'd say so," Texas agreed from her shoulder. "Still don't know why you wanted them fully functional and anatomically correct. Do you want siblings or something?" "I didn't request that functionality," Maud whispered back. "I just wanted to give you more ways to screw with Dad." She then turned back to Simmons. "And are they fully functional and anatomically correct?" she asked at a more normal level of voice. "From all I could see, yes," Simmons allowed. "Though...both the bots inside and their armor have a lot more tiny joints than I could possibly conceive of them needing throughout their entire body...especially the female one." "So she's really flexible, then?" Maud asked thoughtfully. "Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!" Tucker declared through the communicators. "...make that forty years," Simmons sobbed. Nodding, Maud sent a silent summons to Church, who soon arrived. <"What do you need, Maud?"> he asked curiously. "Your new body is ready," she stated, pointing to the male one. <"Already? Wow, sweet!"> Lopez seemed to shake for a bit, giving off odd technical sounds. <"And once again I have been returned to control of a life that has no control, a puppet cast aside for a newer model with no more care than for a Game Boy when the Advance is available,"> he moaned in despair. <"As if the nonsensical nature of my life was not enough, I am nothing more than a joke or a tool, fated to be forgotten-"> "Wow, you are a serious buzz-kill," Church said as he settled into his new body, moving it around a bit as he got used to it. "Sarge should have named you Marvin instead of Lopez." "Well Maud, we've kept up our end of the bargain!" Sarge declared as he rolled back up. "Now it's time for you to keep yours!" "Just a moment," Maud countered. She then turned to the other robot. "Alright Mom, it's all yours." Texas silently transferred out of Maud's armor...though somehow she felt for a brief moment as though she were still there. She didn't have much time to think about it before slipping into the new body...and feeling herself sink into its controls and circuits left her with an almost euphoric sensation. "Oohhh..." she moaned happily. "This was made for me." Her voice held a happy purr as she flexed, feeling the full extent of its power and design. "Can't wait till I figure out what all those extra joints are for." Maud calmly walked up to the Red Base. She looked it over, examining it carefully before leaning in to take a small bite and chew carefully. "Ah, now I see," she murmured before placing her hoof against the side of the building. Everyone gathered stared in awe as the entire building complete with basement levels lifted out of the ground just from her raising her arm, with no more resistance or struggle than they would have picking up a coffee cup. She then turned towards Grif. "By Thor's two beards..." Sarge breathed in awe. "I...I knew she was strong, but...wow..." "This is going to hurt..." Grif moaned worriedly. Maud tilted her head for a time, thinking carefully. "Caboose!" "Yeah Sis?" Caboose asked eagerly as he rushed up. "I don't have a good swing angle," she explained calmly. "Pick me up." "Okay!" Caboose declared happily as he knelt down, grabbed Maud, and then stood up to hold her easily out in his arms, the base still clutched in her hoof. "So...is Maud magically making the base weigh nothing somehow...or is Caboose just that strong?" Simmons asked nervously. Elsewhere, Omega stared at what had just happened. "What? He...he can do that? How powerful is he? And I'm in here...how powerful am I?" Seeing something else about to happen, he shrugged it off. "Questions for later. Research now." "Oh Maud have mercy!" Grif screamed as he knelt down and curled into a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs to be as small a target as possible. Maud watched carefully as she moved the Base down, angling it towards Grif and checking various positions. "Take a step back," she instructed Caboose. Caboose obediently took a step back. Maud checked positions again and smiled softly. "There's the sweet spot," she murmured before swinging the Base back over her shoulder like a club. "Fore!" With that scream, she swept the Base down. It struck Grif with an audible 'THOCK!' and sent him flying. "AAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOWEE!" Grif screamed out as he went flying into the air and out of the canyon. Maud calmly hopped down from Caboose's grip and put the Base back. "Fetch!" she ordered Caboose, pointing in the direction Grif had been sent flying. "WHAT?" Sarge demanded as Caboose raced off. "If Caboose brings him back quickly, I'll have an easier time doing that again," Maud explained calmly. Sarge stared at her for a time. "GENIUS!" Omega stared at everything that had just happened. "Wha...? How...? Why...?" Despite only being a program and his human-shaped projection having no substance, he clutched at his head in despair. "I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"