//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 - What's a slime to do? // Story: Who Told You This Was A Good Idea?! // by Bender Alpha //------------------------------// By the time morning came around, I was bored out of my metaphorical skull. Around five thousand sheep had leapt over my mental fence before I gave up on trying to sleep. It wasn’t doing anything but killing time. Instead, I did some mental exercises: solving math problems, making lists, mapping out the places in my memory, that sort of thing. It was certainly a better distraction than counting. So much so that I was almost surprised when Starlight finally woke up. It seemed she even got in a solid eight hours, if how long it felt since I stopped counting was anything to go by. She awoke with a face-splitting yawn, pushing herself up without opening her eyes. For several moments, she just sat there, smacking her lips and gazing at the backs of her eyelids. Finally, I couldn’t help myself; her tired expression and messy mane were just too adorable. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” I teased. Starlight yelped and shot to her hooves, nearly stomping on one of my eyes in the process. “Hey, watch it! My body might be made of silly putty, but I’m not so sure about my eyes!” As my words sunk in, she shifted her gaze downwards, locking eyes with the pony-shaped living mattress beneath her. I gave her a moment to fully take in what she was standing on before I gathered myself back up, condensing all the tiny bubbles into one big one and releasing it with a tremendous belch. “W- What were you…?” She stammered. “You looked cold and more than a bit uncomfortable last night,” I answered nonchalantly. “I decided to remedy that. Can’t have my would-be master dying of hypothermia now, can I?” “I-!” She cut herself off, looking at me like she was torn between righteous indignation, confusion, and embarrassment. After a short internal battle, she huffed and looked away. “Well… thank you. Just… ask me before you do something like that.” I gave her my best Cary Elwes brand smirk. “As you wish.” Starlight searched my eyes again. Maybe she thought I was being malicious. Honestly, I wasn’t trying to be, but I guess it’s hard to tell with a face that looks like Silly Putty. Eventually, she just rolled her eyes and walked out of the tent, although she looked a bit uncertain of herself as she did. A small bundle of hay and a canteen levitated out of her bag in her aura and followed after her. “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked. “Breakfast first,” she grumbled, “then planning.” She lit the fire with little effort, thanks to her dinner of blueberries and a full night’s rest. It was fascinating to see her horn flash turquoise, and then watch as a red flame flared up around a fresh log in the fire pit. The campfire quickly chased away the morning chill. Starlight took up the iron pot and dumped the bundle of hay into it. Then, she held the pot just above the flame, swishing it around gently until the hay was lightly toasted. The way she was licking her lips made me wish I had a sense of smell. I doubted I’d find the scent as appetizing, but there are much worse smells than hot grass. As she tucked into the sparing meal with a wooden spork, I decided to strike up a bit of conversation. “So, it looks like you’re feeling better this morning.” She nodded and took a swig of water. “Yeah, actually. I… well, I don’t think I’ve ever slept that well.” I grinned. “I’m glad you enjoyed my Smooze foam mattress.” She blushed lightly. “Oh, is, uh… is that what you call that?” “Yup!” I continued, putting on my best salesman pitch. “Our mattresses use patented, intelligent goop particles to contour to your body, cradling pressure points while still providing support for your spine. No better mattress on the market guaranteed! And they only costs an arm, a leg, and your firstborn child.” Of all the reactions I could have gotten, I really was not expecting her to recoil in fear and disgust. “No! Just… just no! No amount of comfort is worth that!” I almost literally deflated. Seriously, I could have sworn I heard a sound like an untied balloon being released. I gave Starlight a questioning eyebrow. “Jeez, sorry. It was just a joke.” “Well don’t joke about stuff like that!” Starlight nearly snarled, but then pulled herself back together. “Stars know it happens all too often around here.” “Wait… What?!” “It’s true. All young colts are conscripted into the military when they come of age, and many young fillies are sold into ‘indentured servitude’ because their families fall into considerable debt. It’s not unusual for a mare to lose all her children that way.” “Starlight… were you…?” “No, I was lucky. My mother and father may not have been upper class, but they were always strict loyalists, so they were probably given some leeway. And I… I never had any. Not that I didn’t want to…” Starlight stared into the fire, grief and fury warring behind her eyes. I could only stare at her. I’d gotten a vague idea of just how bad the Masters might be the night before. But to have it spelled out so plainly… There’s something about you ponies that makes me feel like you can do no wrong. You’re just too adorable to be evil. Back in my world, we call this concept kinderschema. It refers to the overwhelming positive feelings that the majority of mammals experience when we look on child-like creatures. I think it has something to do with the brain rewarding protective behavior in order to guarantee the continuation of the race. All that really means is that I just want to pick you up and cuddle you. The thought that something that appears so innocent is also capable of such cruelty flew in the face of my very instincts. And yet, I had already received evidence to the contrary. The general state of Starlight’s belongings spoke of a life of poverty, using items until they could no long function. Her eyes often took on a faraway look, as though she was trying to recall a memory of a happier future, stolen from her in the blink of an eye. Not to mention the abuse she had suffered. I had done a little investigating during the night, and examined the lines of soft flesh I had felt under her coat while riding the day before. Sure enough, I found scars up and down the length of her back. Some weren’t even that old. It had become all too clear that she was no stranger to adversity. It was at that moment, seeing on her face a lifetime of pain, laid bare in the light of day, that I began to understand the size of the beast I was staring down. “Starlight, I really am sorry,” I spoke softly. “That was inappropriate of me. I should have known that dark humor wouldn’t go over very well. I just wanted to make you laugh, honest.” She sniffled pitifully. “It’s okay, just… try to think about what you’re saying before you say it.” “Of course.” I patted her shoulder gently. “It’ll be okay. I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to make things right.” She watched me with watery eyes, and a ghost of a smile crept up in the corners of her lips. “I’ll hold you to that.” “Great,” I affirmed. “Now finish up your meal. I want to see where you live.” I had tried to make it sound like I was excited, but I’m pretty damn sure she was able to detect the hint of dread behind my words. The trek down the mountainside from her camp was a relatively short one. We reached the bottom just shy of midday, and the walls of her hometown came into view not long after. My first impression of this civilization did not leave a pleasant aftertaste. The walls of Ponyville were not grand things, but that wasn’t really the point. The point was a cost-effective mode of defense, and of containment. From what I saw, they consisted of a pair of concentric palisades – walls made of logs that were driven into the ground and lashed together – and a plank walkway between them that ran the length of the walls, in order to form a battlement along the top. I estimated them to be about fifteen feet high, if my frame of reference was accurate. Guards were posted at even intervals along the battlements, facing both inside and out. Despite the makeshift appearance of their defenses, Ponyville was not a small town by any means. Starlight and I could barely even see the full width of the wall from our vantage point on the small hillock, less than a mile away from the North Gate. However, what I could see of the town itself was about as inspirational as a lump of unshaped clay. The buildings were almost entirely all dumpy little thatched roof houses or wooden shacks, with a few exceptions Starlight had told me about on the way down. The only exception visible from our vantage point, however, was the keep of the Silverglow School for Adept Casters. The Silverglow School loomed over the surrounding buildings like an abusive step-parent. It was all gothic architecture and imposing bas relief sculptures, surrounded by a high stone wall and a fucking moat, of all things. It had four massive towers, one at each corner of the main keep, with honest-to-god, architecturally impossible, stone sky bridges connecting them. I couldn’t make out all the minute details from that distance, of course, but the difference in wealth between that structure and those surrounding it was almost laughably absurd. It was only after staring at the ridiculous scene for a solid ten minutes that I noticed Starlight was shivering again. “Hey, what’s up?” I questioned softly. “How the hay am I going to get you into town?” I followed her eye to the North Gate, where we could see that the guards had a long line of ponies waiting to go through the gates. Every entrant was being searched and interrogated quite thoroughly. I obviously wasn’t going to be able to ride in on her back, not without people asking questions. And I couldn’t just stow away in her saddlebags, either, with them conducting searches. Unless… “Is there still water in your canteen?” I asked. She glanced back at me. “A little. Why?” “Couldn’t you just pour it out and sneak me in that way?” She considered it for all of two seconds before furiously shaking her head. “No, no! That won’t work. They’ll think it’s suspicious if I come back with a full canteen. What if they think it’s something valuable and confiscate it? I’ll be found out for sure!” “Okay, fine. No canteen. Hmm…” I pinched my bottom lip in thought. Was there anything I could do to help? Better question, what can’t I do? I flopped off of Starlight’s back and rolled a couple feet away. “What are you doing?” She hissed anxiously. “Stand back! I’m going to try science!” I pictured an octopus in my head, changing color from bright to dark green. I thought of chromatophores, and of flexing my membranous skin. I thought really hard about chlorophyll. However, I wasn’t hearing the sort of amazed reaction I was expecting from Starlight. “Anything happening?” I grunted, straining against my own flesh. “Uh… No?” I released the breath I was holding, relaxing into my slight disappointment. It seemed my body did have limitations after all. That, or I just didn’t have the right materials. “Damn. Alright, plan B.” This time, I focused on the shape of a snake, and I immediately felt myself shrink and elongate. It came to me almost as easily as breathing. It seemed I was becoming accustomed to shapshifting. Then, for phase two, I rolled through the grass, using hundreds of tiny, pinching folds I created all across my surface to pluck out individual blades. I moved the pinchers down my body, layering the blades along my back and sides until I looked like an extremely feathery snake. I ruffled the grass a bit, to make it look more natural, then looked up at Starlight. “Well? How do I look?” I solicited, in a voice that would fit right in with Alvin and the Chipmunks. “Like some sort of bird-snake with great, big, googly eyes.” Of course my eyes don’t shrink, I thought with an exasperated sigh, that would be too easy. “Yeah, that is a problem. Hmmm… One moment.” I closed my left eye and swallowed it. Not literally, of course, but close enough. I maneuvered the eye so it sat centered just behind my right eye, which I squinted. “How about now?” She stared at me, her expression slowly morphing into one of concern. “I don’t know, like a cyclops snake?” Heh, now all I need are a pair of trousers. “Eric, what does this all have to do with getting into town?” “Simple: snakes are much sneakier than big blobs of goo. I’ll slither past the guards while you wait in line and meet you on the other side. That way, nobody will suspect a thing!” “But-” “But nothing! Time’s a-wastin’!” With that, I took off like a shot. Okay, more like a ball thrown by a toddler, but still. We had places to be and only so many hours of daylight left. “And what will you do if they see you?” She prodded, trotting easily alongside me. “Act like a snake, obviously.” “And if they come over to investigate?” “Then I’ll hide. Look, do you have any better ideas?” “Well… no, but-” “Exactly, no buts. It’ll be fine, Starlight, just you wait and see.” Starlight chewed on her bottom lip, looking between me and the North Gate. Finally, she let go of a distressed groan. “Fine. But if you get caught, we don’t know each other, got it?” I rolled my open eye and snarked, “Oui, mon capitaine.” Starlight huffed and trotted off, making for the line of ponies. Without need of vocal cords, I was able to stretch myself thinner, until I looked like a three-foot long, moldy breadstick. The smaller a target I make myself, I reasoned, the harder it will be to spot me. Ever tried slithering? It’s not as easy as snakes make it look. I eventually figured out a trick: I would steer myself towards rocks and uneven parts of the ground to push off of, and sort of ricochet my way forward, leaving a trail of coiling snake body behind me. It was a hell of a lot easier than trying to pull myself forward on the wet grass. After I figured that out, it wasn’t long before I came within shouting distance of the gate. I could see that Starlight was closing in on the front of the line. However, I also caught sight of something that had likely been drawn to my inelegant first attempts at snake-like movement. One of the guards on the wall was staring directly at me. I went still. Had he seen me? If he had, why wasn’t he reacting? I was pretty damn sure that snakes had no business being in a temperate mountain climate like this one. If I’d had a heart, it would have been beating like a taiko drum. I could only pray that he hadn’t actually spotted me. Every second his eyes were on me felt like an eternity. Finally, after several lifetimes had passed, the guard slowly turned his head. I waited, to make sure he wasn’t turning to alert another guard, before inching forward again. Immediately, his gaze snapped back to my location, and I froze again. He had definitely seen me. Or, at least, he had seen movement in my direction. If I’d had the glands, I would have been sweating bullets. I was trapped. Starlight was waiting for me, but I couldn’t move without tipping off Mr. Hawkeye up there. How in the hell was I going to get out of this situation? As luck would have it, that question was answered for me. A sudden commotion on the road pulled the guard’s attention away from me and towards the gate. I took the opportunity to shoot forward, slicing down the hill like an Olympic slalom skier. In less than a minute, I managed to slap myself flush with the wall and take refuge in the overgrown grass at its base. Thoroughly unnerved, I inched along the wall, enveloping and flowing past each blade of grass, trying my hardest not to disturb them. Every errant twitch and rustled blade made me want to scream. But as the seconds passed, my imaginary heart slowed its beat, and I paid less attention to the grass and more to the gate, which seemed like it had attracted a commotion of some sort. The fanfare was probably the biggest tip-off. I looked over to the road and caught glimpses, between those in the line, of a pair of trumpeter ponies trotting alongside a carriage. What really impressed me was that their gait seemed to have no effect on their ability to play their instruments. Four armored guards trotted protectively alongside the carriage, and yoked to it were a pair of white-coated stallions that would have made Hans Günther cream his pants. Then, there was the carriage itself. It was elaborately designed, made from a dark wood with a darker finish – the few parts that weren’t coated in gold leaf, anyway. Nearly every surface was covered in delicate, complex etchings, with overly ornate fog lanterns affixed to the front corners. It might have been more aesthetically pleasing if the owner hadn’t been trying so blatantly to flaunt his wealth. And yet, mysteriously, just looking at the thing made me hungry. My inexplicable appetite curdled, however, when I caught sight of the coach’s occupant. Gazing smugly out of the window was one of the worst cases of ‘affluenza’ I had ever seen. Even discounting his ride, the earth pony stallion bore several signs that he had never worked a day in his life. His face was plump with baby fat and his hooves shone without the scuffs and grime of toil. An expensive, clean-pressed, dark red shirt adorned his thoroughly brushed, pale yellow coat, and his neatly combed chestnut mane completed the look of extreme punchability. It also didn’t help his case that he was drinking what looked like wine from a crystal tumbler. But the most damning of his behaviors was the semi-disgusted leer he cast at every passing mare. It wasn’t difficult to discern his thoughts: that they should consider themselves lucky he was lowering his standards enough to take one of them to his bedchambers. My first impulse was to ignore him and continue into the town; I’d seen my fair share of rich boys back home. But then, the carriage pulled to a stop. Directly next to Starlight. An attendant stepped out of the carriage, pulled a rolled up carpet from the top of the carriage, and laid it out, then stood smartly to the side of the door. His precious hooves now protected, Babyface hopped out of the carriage, and my heart sank as he fixed Starlight with a lascivious smirk. Starlight fidgeted in place, fixing her gaze on the front of the line. “Starry, my sweet, whatever are you doing out here with these ruffians?” “Waiting in line,” she deadpanned, not sparing him even a single glance. Apparently, she’d dealt with this douchebag before. “What does it look like?” Mr. Tubby’s confident grin faltered for a split second, then bounced back in full force. “Why, it looked to me as though you were stealing my heart. Should I call the guards, or do you think we could… work something out?” Starlight closed her eyes and groaned. I felt a pang of sympathy, then realized I hadn’t moved for the last few minutes. The gate was only yards away. If I could get closer, maybe I could do something to distract the wannabe Casanova. I inched forward, going as fast as I could while still keeping the grass from being displaced. “Look, Autumn,” – Ah, so the cake eater has a name – “I’m just trying to get back into town. Don’t you have something more important to do?” “Yes, and she’s standing right in front of me,” he insinuated. I had to stop myself from being audibly disgusted on Starlight’s behalf. Starlight herself didn’t fare much better. Her facial muscles were twitching, as though it was taking all her concentration to keep her face from contorting in revulsion. “Autumn, while I appreciate your… repeated interest, I am just too busy to entertain flights of fancy. I’m sure there are many other mares in town that would be more than willing to-” “You know, I’m starting to think you’re snubbing me,” Autumn complained meaningfully, polishing a hoof on his shirt. “It’s actually rather hurtful; I feel I’ve been nothing if not honest in my intentions. And yet you’ve spurned me at every turn. It’s enough to make a stallion… desperate.” Starlight tried heroically to remain stolid in her convictions, but something in the way Autumn emphasized the last word worried her. Her ears betrayed her, splaying back against her skull. Autumn noticed, and his damnably smug grin widened another notch. “Let’s say you were to reject my affections once more. Why, I would be devastated. In my anguish, I might even do something drastic. Like, say… have the guards detain you for an indefinite period of time.” “Y- you wouldn’t… You can’t!” “Can’t I? My father basically owns this town. The guards are all on his payroll. All I need to do is say ‘Jump’, and they’ll ask, ‘How high?’” Autumn advanced on Starlight, forcing her to take a step back, gulping audibly. “And with you indisposed… well, I just have to wonder what will happen to your roommates.” Starlight inhaled sharply. “Don’t you dare lay a hoof on them!” “My dear Starlight, I would never do such a thing. Besides, I wouldn’t have to. I know all about your situation, how you and your pegasus friend take care of that mud pony invalid. It’s fairly obvious what will happen when your friends lose the majority of their income…” I had come within inches of the edge of the gate. If there was a time to enact my master plan, I had reached it. If I could actually come up with one. I sat there, wracking my brain for something, anything I could do to draw attention away from Starlight. But of all the ideas that raced through my mind, none would allow both of us to escape unscathed. As I sat there, frozen, Starlight’s eyes darted around, searching for anyone or anything to help her. For a second, our eyes locked. A look of resignation crept into her eyes, and she set her jaw. With a barely perceptible nod, she turned back to Autumn. “O- okay. You win. Let’s… let’s go talk about… us.” With a massive, shit-eating grin, Autumn stepped aside, playing the chivalrous noble. “After you, milady.” Starlight stepped onto the carpet, wiped off her hooves, and climbed into the carriage. I wasn’t even able to get a word in edgewise. Autumn looked around with the smuggest, most bragging smirk I had ever seen, and the followed her in. Then the carriage was packed back up and began to roll. I panicked. There was no time. I was about to lose her. Possibly in more ways than one. I couldn’t let that happen. I would not lose Emma again. I rolled out into the shade in the center of the gateway, only barely concerned with maintaining stealth. Thankfully, all eyes were fixed on the carriage, and I went unnoticed. I went slack, sloshing into the furrows and divots of the road. The mud lapped at my surfaces, threatening to subsume me, but I didn’t care. I had only one job: to board that carriage, no matter what it took. The rumble of approaching hoofsteps rippled through me. As I closed my eyes, I had to force myself to relax. If one of the lead ponies stepped in me and felt anything other than water, I would be found out for sure. I felt a hoof step in the edge of my puddle, then another. The lead ponies crossed right over me without so much as a second glance. In retrospect, I was incredibly lucky they didn’t stomp on one of my eyeballs accidentally. That would have put a swift end to my heroics. I guess the powers that be were looking out for me at the time. Then, as the rattle of wooden wheels reached deafening levels, I sprung into action. Like a pubescent Spiderman, I shot my goo all over the wooden panels above me and was immediately splattered against the undercarriage as I yanked myself up. For several tense moments, I waited for the gait of the lead ponies to change, for someone to ask what that noise was. But nobody slowed, nobody noticed, and nobody cared. I nearly let out a sigh of relief. Still, the job wasn’t over yet. Minutes passed, with nothing but the road rolling by beneath me to distract me from the disturbing scenarios playing out in my mind. There wasn’t even the chatter of the townsfolk to listen to. I could hear activity, but everypony clammed up the moment they saw this carriage coming down the street. It grated on my already frazzled nerves like a cheese grater on cello strings. It felt like ages passed while the carriage rattled on. Eventually, the road below me changed from dirt to cobble, leading me to believe we were nearing our destination. Every slight deceleration sent a spike of impatience through me. Was Autumn making moves while they were in the carriage? I couldn’t hear or feel anything coming from inside, but in a world of magic, that didn’t necessarily mean much. The doubt festered until I couldn’t bear it any longer. I just knew that slimebag couldn’t keep his filthy, sweaty hooves off of her. Not only that, he was also giving actual slimes like myself a bad rep. I would not stand for it. But before I could even start searching for a way in, the carriage came to a stop. The footman – or would it be hoofstallion? – hopped down from his seat and once more rolled out the carpet for His Majestic Pain in the Ass. I saw Autumn’s hooves hit the carpet first, followed by Starlight’s, albeit much more reluctantly. “Follow me, my dear,” I heard him simper. “My summer home will be a much more comfortable place for us to… negotiate.” I felt fury rumble through me. This sleazeball had absolutely no shame. I drizzled down onto the cobble like a deluge of honey, and slid over to the edge of the shadow cast by the carriage. Autumn was leading Starlight towards a posh, Tudor-style house with a neatly kept lawn, surrounded by a low hedgerow and a wrought-iron fence. Between me and the walls was a lot of open space. The hedge was the only cover I could realistically reach, and my best bet to get there was under the carpet. I cautiously peered up at the footman pony standing outside the carriage door, just to my right. He had his nose pointed towards the sky, every bit as refined and pompous as his employer. But that also meant he wasn’t looking at the ground. This was my chance. Autumn’s back was to me and the servant’s head was so far up his own ass that I could skate by unnoticed. Not to mention, the carpet was completely unguarded. I gingerly lifted the edge of the carpet. While the rest of me could go flat, my eyes could not. Unfortunately, that meant there would be a crease rolling down the carpet, but between that and being spotted outright, I preferred the one that gave me options. I swam forward like a carpet shark, tailing my prey through a channel of wool. I focused on the clomp of the hooves before me, trailing just behind. Then, when the crack of daylight opened up before me, I darted into the hedge. “Hm?” I froze. Autumn had noticed me. Or, at least, he had heard the bushes rustling. Mind racing, I did the only thing I could think of: I whistled an improvised bird call. Immediately, Autumn gave a dismissive huff, then turned back to the carriage. “Swift, when you are done parking the carriage, go call on the exterminator. It seems the winged rats are getting uppity again, and I will not be woken up at an unholy hour by their screeching.” “Of course, sir.” “Good. Let’s go.” I could only watch him saunter down the path with disgust and disbelief. Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly hate him more… Behind me, I heard the servant, Swift, drag the carpet back onto the carriage and give a sharp whistle. The Aryan-looking driver ponies cantered off, pulling the carriage away. I grinned. No more witnesses. I morphed back into snake-form and slithered over the lawn. Starlight and Autumn had reached the front door. Then, as Autumn unlocked it and stepped over the threshold, I made my move, slipping inside behind him. I hugged the trim and surged into the corner of the room, keeping my eyes on Autumn. In doing so, I found myself taking cover behind a potted ficus. From there, as soon as I knew he wasn’t looking my way, I stuck to the corner and rolled up the wall like a caterpillar on crack. I turned to watch from my vantage point on the ceiling. Already, Autumn was putting the moves on Starlight. He ran his hooves along her back, sliding her saddlebags to the floor, and copping more than a feel in the process. It made me wish I had blood, just so I could boil it. Starlight was doing her best to ignore the advances, but she wouldn’t be able to hold out forever. I had to think of a way to get rid of him. I couldn’t hurt him, of course. That would cast too much suspicion on Starlight. And I didn’t have the kind of information needed to blackmail him. There was only one thing I could think to do. Now, as I mentioned before, back on Earth I wanted to be a character designer. To you ponies, that basically means I would create models of monster and characters for stories told with a kind of magic we call “digital media”. But I didn’t want to just make the same tired and cliched creatures that inundated the entertainment market. You see, I am a great fan of artists like H.R. Giger, Zdzisław Beksiński, Junji Ito, and Mark Powell. Those names probably mean little to you, but to humans, they are among the most terrifying of artists, able to draw, paint, and sculpt monstrosities from the depths of our most primal nightmares. And I loved them for it. I studied them extensively, practicing with 3D animation to bring their creations to life. My dream was to one day join their ranks, to unleash thrilling, terrifying visions upon the world. Obviously, I can’t accomplish this in the way I first intended any more. However, I have been gifted with a unique opportunity since coming to Equestria. I can become the nightmares. My face twisted with wicked glee when I realized what I could do with my new form. I even had my first victim… er, volunteer, already lined up. Autumn had steered Starlight up to the second floor while I was considering my options. I scooted across the ceiling, not wanting to lose sight of them. Just in time, too, because Autumn opened up the first door he came to on the second floor. I just got my eyes past the door frame when he kicked it shut behind him. I had to seal my own mouth shut to keep myself from yelping in surprise. Autumn chuckled lecherously, jamming his snout into the crook of Starlight’s throat, a forelegs draped across her withers. “Well, well. Seems someone might be getting into the mood, herself.” Starlight gave a barely audible whimper. She hadn’t made any other sounds. Autumn had mistaken my surprised noise as Starlight’s. It was somehow simultaneously a relief and an outrage. My mind churned with revenge fantasies as I pulled the rest of my mass in through the top of the door. I couldn’t waste any more time. Autumn could take things a step too far at any moment. I didn’t have many options for what I could become, given my size and color, so I went with the first thing off the top of my head. I rolled directly over head, condensing myself as I did. When I was certain I was above the debauched little debutante, I hung by a strand of goo and hurriedly sculpted myself into my chosen form. I decided to hit him with a beherit. For the unenlightened, ‘beherit’ is the name given to objects in an Earth-manga called “Berserk”. They are hoof-sized stone fetishes in the shape of an egg, with human facial features scattered across them in Picasso-esque disarray. In the story, when activated, the features would rearrange themselves into a distressed human face and cry blood. However, being that I was green and had none of the beherit’s other abilities, that would not be threatening enough. I would have to make it a bit more Lovecraftian. As soon as I was the correct shape and density, I opened the eye closest to the ground and aimed at loverboy’s head. He was too busy licking his way up Starlight’s neck. Starlight strained her face away from him and towards the ceiling, lip quivering in disgust and defeat. Just then, she opened her eyes, as though desperate to find anything else to concentrate on than her own thoughts. She was greeted by me, and she couldn’t hold back the surprised gasp. I chose that moment to strike. I swung forward a bit and released, dropping towards Autumn’s head like a bomber’s payload. My aim was true. I landed on his head with a resounding thunk, then clattered to the floor. “Ow, what the bu-?! What is this thing?” Vicious satisfaction surged through me. Phase one complete. Let’s see how you like phase two, you festering sack of shit. Slowly, I rearranged my features until I had a human face, devoid of emotion, as if asleep. I waited a moment, then my eyes sprang open, startling both of the room’s occupants. I locked onto Autumn’s eyes, then gave him my most Cheshire of smiles. His eyes widened and he took a step back. That’s right asshole. Now get a load of this! I split my mouth wider than an anaconda’s, and  a brace of thick, slimy, foot-long tentacles erupted out of it. I whipped them around like they were blindly groping for the nearest orifice to fill. Autumn shrieked and backed away. I hollowed out the tentacles a bit, allowing them to grow another foot, and began dragging myself towards him. Autumn, coward that he was, ran behind Starlight, putting her between himself and the encroaching horror. “Help me, Starlight!” I wilted internally, seeing the terror in her eyes. She apparently hadn’t quite put two and two together. Or worse, she had, and was terrified anyway. Whichever it was, she tried blasting me with magic, to no avail. The phantom of my guts twisted to think of what I was about to do. It was the only way to throw Autumn off of our trail, though. I just hoped Starlight would forgive me. For effect, I spastically rolled my eyes before fixing them on her. I whipped out with my tentacles, latching onto the back of her neck and head, and dragged myself towards her. She continued firing at me until I got a tentacle around her horn. Autumn remained paralyzed where he stood. Damn it, just run off already! He did not. I struggled to keep my frustration from leaking into my expression. I had to maintain the act, or else it would all be for nothing. I stepped it up a notch, wrapping tentacles around her muzzle, and stuffing a couple in her ears. The tears of despair leaking from her eyes nearly made me release her. But I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to keep Autumn from violating her. Hoping to end this upsetting farce, I made a show of prying at her lips before yanking myself up to her face and devouring her muzzle. As soon as she couldn’t cry out, I whispered into her ears through the tentacles plugging them up. “Keep struggling. We need Autumn to run away.” Of course, she gasped, nearly getting a lungful of slime. I had to pretend to lose my grip for a moment, just so she could suck in a lungful of fresh air. Our eyes met and I could see understanding flash through hers. She redoubled her apparent efforts to pry me off, though there was no real force behind her motions. We rolled around on the four poster bed I had been too preoccupied to notice for a few seconds, putting on a show for Autumn. Then, Starlight made a gagging, choking noise, rolling her eyes back in her head and spasming violently before going limp. I looked over at Autumn. He stood stock still, a yellow puddle growing at his feet. “Dammit, he’s still here,” I whispered into her ear again. “Sorry, but brace yourself. I’m dragging us off the bed.” I detached a few of the tentacles from around Starlight’s head and gripped the edge of the bed. With a few tugs, she and I fell to the floor with a lifeless thud. My free tentacles slapped at the ground, dragging us menacingly towards Autumn. Finally, he let out an ear-piercing shriek and galloped out of the room. I heard the clomp of hoofsteps on the stairs, across the foyer, and the slam of the front door. I detached from Starlight like she was on fire, falling to the floor with a wet slap. She gasped and coughed, able to breathe freely at last. “I am so, so sorry,” I pleaded, prostrating myself before her. “It’s just you were in trouble, and he was a big douche, and I wasn’t sure what else to do, and-” “E- Eric, it’s okay,” Starlight coughed. “It’s just… well, what in Tartarus was that?” “Ah, well, just a little something I came up with.” “Ok, well… just warn me next time you’re going to do something like that.” “I didn’t really have a chance, and… well, it was probably a lot more convincing, right? Starlight chuckled weakly. “Y- Yeah, I guess it was.” I was happy to see the relieved grin on her face. But then that relieved grin scrunched up into a look of confusion. “Hey, do you smell that?” She asked. “No? What-?” But then I heard what she was smelling. Ever so faintly, I heard a crackling outside the room. “Oh crap.” I skated over to the door and yanked it open. Starlight followed me out onto the landing, and we were greeted with a blood-chilling sight. Almost the entire front end of the house had gone up in flames. I just stared, slack-jawed. I made someone ‘nope’ so hard that they decided the best course of action was to set fire to their house. On the one hand, I was incredibly proud of myself. On the other hand, our lives were now in danger. Not extreme danger, but danger nonetheless. “Uh, we should probably get out of here.” “Oh no! My bags!” Starlight galloped down the stairs towards the inferno. I raced after her to find her dragging her saddlebags away by one pouch, the other crackling angrily with flame. The one with the book in it. I felt my heart drop into my stomach, though I have neither. In a world like this, books are just about priceless. And I doubted someone in her position would be able to afford a book. So, if she borrowed it, what would happen to her? Without thinking, I launched myself onto the bag, hoping to smother the flame. I immediately felt my underside starting to boil, and I howled noiselessly. I forced myself to hold the bag until I could bear it no longer, then sloshed away, falling into an agonized puddle. Thankfully, when I looked back, the saddlebags weren’t even smoldering. There was dead slime covering the one side, of course, but beggars can’t be choosers. Starlight was staring at me with an odd look, and, to be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable. “Is the book alright?” I asked, trying to deflect the unidentified emotion she was levelling at me. “Oh! Uh…” She turned back to the bag, shaking herself free of whatever thoughts were running wild in her head. Worriedly gnawing at her lip, she slowly withdrew the book from her saddlebag, slime sloughing off onto the floor. My phantom heart fell even further into the abyss of my old human form. A dark splotch peeked out from the cover as she retrieved it, growing into a large scorch mark. “Oh no…” She nearly tore the book open, flipping through the pages. As she did, her brow knitted together, and her lips grew into a quivering smile. “It’s… it’s okay. The pages are fine. It’s just the cover.” A loud crack from behind us reminded us of the growing peril of our situation. “Celebrate later. Outside now,” I advised. “R-Right.” Escaping the house wasn’t difficult. Apparently, Autumn only stopped to throw a lantern at the front door before running down the street, screaming bloody murder. I knew that, because it was on the lips of every pony we passed. I heard it all from my vantage point in Starlight’s ruined saddlebag. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about leaking out, since I could control my own surface tension. The walk itself was much more tense. When I peeked out at her from beneath the flap, Starlight was constantly shifting her eyes. I could feel the stiffness of her gait. I worried for her; she had already endured more than her fair share of hardships, even in just the past couple of days. That she was holding it together so well was nothing short of a miracle. The more I watched, the more I began to understand her life. As we made our way back into the poorer parts of town, I came to a disheartening conclusion: these ponies were living in the Dark Ages. All around us were signs of misery and squalor. The streets were muddy and unkempt. While I could tell everyone was trying to keep up with the maintenance, the houses were all in various states of disrepair. The ponies that wore clothes at all wore tattered rags and patchwork cloaks. They at least had decent hygiene, but not one could claim not to have bags under their eyes. Very few ponies smiled, and those that did were either sauced out of their gourds or had their expressions tinged with desperation or resignation. Meanwhile, the fat merchants and politicians lounged in their vistas and two-story mansions not a few miles away. It was enough to make me want to chew through metal, and with my current form that was a distinct possibility. Starlight's home was little different from any of the other buildings we passed. It could barely be called a house by my standards, but it was probably luxurious for someone of her station. She lived in a little, two-story cottage, just under a thousand square feet, and made entirely of wood. It even had slate shingles. Outside, an empty laundry line connected to the side of the house swayed in the evening breeze. A pile of various gardening and farming implements were stacked up next to the front door, which had become irreparably scuffed by heavy use. “Oh, thank goodness,” Starlight muttered under her breath. “What, were you expecting it to be burned down or something?” I whispered from inside her saddle bags. “Well no, but…” She paused, considering her next words. “Oh, never mind. Let’s just get inside before we run into any more trouble.” She pushed open the door and we clomped inside. The inside was just as Eighteenth Century England as the outside. The bottom floor was all one room, kitchen and living area nearly indistinguishable from one another. The stairs to the second floor took up most of the left-hand wall, starting just left of the entryway and continuing back to create a small room, likely a half-bathroom, in the back. Across from the bathroom was the kitchen, which was adjacent to the living area. Between the two sat a small dining set, flanked by a couch against the right wall, a rocking chair against the front wall, and a small set of shelves between the two. The occupant of the couch would have surprised me, had I not already become jaded to this world. She was a light aquamarine grey, with an indigo mane and opal highlights. She didn’t have a horn, so it seemed likely that she wasn’t Starlight’s sister, at least as far as I knew. But what did catch my attention were the bandages around her eyes. This must be the ‘invalid’ Autumn mentioned. “I’m home, Rara,” Starlight announced. “Starlight!” Rara exclaimed in a raspy voice, her head turning in our direction. “How did your gathering trip go?” “Huh? Oh! The gathering trip! Right.” Starlight floundered unconvincingly. “It, um… It went… well! It went well. I got a, uh, a lot of good materials. I think Preceptor Rubeo will be… pleased.” Rara frowned slightly. “You don’t sound very sure of that.” “What? No, I’m just… I’m just tired. It was a long hike. In fact, I think I might go lie down for a bit.” “Alright,” Rara conceded, sounding like a piece of torn sandpaper. “Well, dinner should be ready soon.” “Sure thing,” Starlight acknowledged, disengaging from the conversation. “Starlight?” Starlight stopped in her tracks. “Hm?” “You know you can trust us if you ever need someone to talk to, right?” “R- Right, of course. I’ll be back down in a bit, Rara.” Before Rara could pry further, Starlight retreated upstairs. She passed the door across from the stairs’ summit and entered the one adjacent, in the corner of the L-shaped hall. From there, she flopped directly onto the bed. I was almost surprised I didn’t hear the crunch of straw. Then again, I was also pretty sure Starlight belonged to the closest thing this world had to a middle class. I oozed out of the burned hole in her bags, onto the pathetic, lumpy thing she called her mattress. “So, this is home, huh?” I whispered, cautious of alerting Rara of my presence. Starlight groaned into her pillow. “Right… and, uh, who was that downstairs?” This time she turned her head to me. “That’s Coloratura, one of my roommates. We usually just call her Rara.” “Is she, uh… you know…?” “Blind? Yes… among other things,” she mumbled bitterly, shoving her face back into the pillow. “She’s… one of the reasons I tried summoning the Smooze in the first place.” “Oh?” I pried. “Yeah… Listen, can we talk about this later? I’m too tired to think right now.” “Sure. You nap. I’m sure I’ll find something to occupy myself.” “Just… don’t go anywhere. I don’t want Night Glider stumbling upon you by accident.” I wasn’t sure who Night Glider was, but I had an inkling. “Stay away from your roommates, got it.” Starlight snorted in exhausted exasperation, then lay back down and attempted to drift off. In the meantime, I decided I would look around her room a bit. It might help me to glean a little more about my situation, or at least about my new employer. Her room was a spartan affair. Apart from her bed, Starlight had a simple dresser, a desk with a candle in a bronze chamberstick, a sturdy wooden chair, and a short bookshelf, and that’s it. There was almost nothing in the way of decoration. A window looked out onto the streets below, but I knew I shouldn’t be poking my head out carelessly, so I kept away. Instead, I moved over to the shelves. Starlight had a small collection of common, but amusing items. Shells, a few small boxes and drawstring pouches, some colorful dried leaves and maple seed pods, a few shiny rocks, and three books. All of the books were written in an alphabet I couldn’t read, but that didn’t concern me too much. If they spoke English, these ponies’ written language should be fairly simple to pick up. It was actually miraculous that I could understand them at all. I migrated over to the desk. It, too, was mostly empty. A stack of paper in the corner, weighed down by another polished stone, a quill and inkwell, a box of fine sand, the chamberstick, with a short candle in it, and a small lump of sealing wax. An idea formed in my head. I prepared a sheet of paper and, with some trepidation, pulled out the quill. I wondered if ponies had yet to discover graphite. Regardless, I had experimented with calligraphy quite a bit in my sophomore year, so I wasn’t entirely hopeless with a nib. I scraped away the excess ink and began to write, organizing all the information I had gathered thus far onto paper. I had a feeling I would need notes before all was said and done.