The 4000 Year Old Virgin

by Harmlesskitten13


Chapter 7

It is widely known that in changeling culture, stealth trumps all. It is better to remain in the shadows, pulling the strings, than to engage in open combat. But when a disguise fails, changelings will inevitably resort to self-preservation. Conventional thinking might lead one to believe that these skittish creatures choose flight over fight, and that they would be all but useless in a battle. This couldn't be further from the truth, as the average drone can prove to be extremely dangerous, particularly in close quarters combat. There are numerous examples of anecdotal evidence where a spear or arrow has bounced harmlessly off a changeling's tough exoskeleton, and while the average drone's magical capabilities may be lacking when compared to a trained unicorn, they make up for this deficiency with their brutal 'rip-and-tear' fighting style: utilizing their jagged horns and naturally sharp teeth, unarmored ponies rarely stand a chance if they allow their opponent to get within striking distance. And, as witnessed in the Invasion of Canterlot, these abilities are unsurprisingly magnified in Queens. - The Rise of the Changeling Queendom, Vol. IV by Works Cited


They glared at each other from across the field. Silently, Twilight sized up her opponent. Chrysalis looked fearsome in her armor, with the changeling apparently deciding to go all out for this battle. But outside of that, she seemed to be acting...different. Off. The arrogance was there, as always, but there was something else. She couldn't put her hoof on it, and it made her nervous. Okay, Sparkle, you can do this. No tricks this time. She hasn't put anyone under some spell, she's not pretending to be someone else, and she's not striking from the shadows. She's out in the open, and there's nothing she can do to surprise you. she thought, hyping herself up for the inevitable violence. Still, there's no reason that I can't at least TRY to end this peacefully. Inhaling a deep breath, she shouted as loudly and forcefully as she could. "QUEEN CHRYSALIS! THERE IS NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY, AND YOU WILL BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL FOR YOUR CRIMES!" The changeling squinted at Twilight.

Wait, what is she doing? I thought the whole point of this date was SPECIFICALLY to fight! Or...wait. She must be flirting! Okay. I gotcha. Giving a cocky smirk, she responded. "OH, THE TIME FOR PEACE IS LONG PAST, PRINCESS! ONLY ONE OF US IS WALKING AWAY FROM THIS, AND IT WON'T BE YOU!" she yelled back. Twilight furrowed her brow at the remark. Ooo! I must have done it right, because she looks ready to go!

The alicorn lowered her head, pawing the ground with a snort. Okay. Okayokayokay. She may have armor, but she's not invincible. And you're the Element of Magic. You've got this! she thought, charging her horn. The changeling mirrored the position.

Alright. Okay. Oooooookay. You can do this. Just don't think. Let nature do its thing, and you'll have a head on your wall in no time. Just don't. Be. Nervous. And DON'T kill her. Chrysalis thought, charging her horn as well. Huh. First time I've had to think that in...forever, I think.

Neither royal moved, staring at each other from across the field while silently daring the other to make the first attack. Then, seemingly out of impatience rather than an intended move, Chrysalis charged, letting out a guttural cry. She covered the ground between the two quickly, and let out a short blast from her horn a few body lengths from the Princess. Twilight winced and quickly put up a shield, and the bolt of energy bounced harmlessly off. The Queen kept charging, and to the alicorn's shock, saw the changeling's horn pierce through the arcane shield. It was like a knife through cloth, and the defensive spell dissipated as quickly as it had been created. Following through with her momentum, Chrysalis nearly crashed into the pony, and would have brutally gored her through the skull. Nearly. For as soon as her shield had begun to evaporate, the Princess panicked, and instinct saw her teleport to the other side of the field, behind an ancient tree stump. Above her eyes, just below her horn, was a small bleeding gash, from where the Queen's sharpened horn had barely made contact.

Okay, since WHEN was Chrysalis able to do THAT?! she thought in a panic. This was clearly not the same changeling she had fought before. This is going to take some clever thinking.

The Queen whipped her head left and right. Where had that slippery pony gone off to? Turning around, she saw her purple date across the field. "Oh, come now, Princess! Don't go playing hard-to-get!" she shouted with a smirk. The changeling bounded towards the alicorn with a smile on her face. Maybe Mom was right! Dating CAN be fun! she thought. Twilight had to think quickly; if her opponent could nullify her shields, then maybe it was true what they said - the best defense is a good offense! Charging her horn, she let off a flurry of shots in the direction of the changeling. The few that hit were deflected by either by the Queen's armor or helmet, and barely seemed to even slow her enemy down.

"Ooo hoo hoo hoo! That tickled, Sparkle! Tell me you can do better than that!" Chrysalis said with a malicious grin as she neared her beloved. She fired her own horn towards the alicorn haphazardly, leaving burning brush and scorch marks all around the Princess. Again, Twilight charged her horn, and just as the changeling came to within a body length, she released it. The magical energy hit the ground directly in front of the Queen, spraying dirt and debris into the air. "Ack! Pbthh! Ptoo! No fair, Princess!" she shouted, spitting out rocks and rubbing her eyes. By the time her sight had returned, the Princess was nowhere to be found. Whipping her head back and forth, she thought she heard the flap of wings. "Oh. Right. You can fly now." With that, she took to the air.

Where did she get that armor? It bounced all of my shots like they were nothing! Twilight thought. She didn't have time to think for long, however, as the Queen quickly met her in the sky. A short-lived air battle ensued, as both royals attempted to best each other. While Twilight was unable to damage the Queen, Chrysalis found herself having poor aim, as her blasts never seemed to make impact with the alicorn. Frowning, she flew higher before diving on the Princess. Twilight attempted to jink away, but ended up zigging when she should have zagged, and the two collided mid-air. They plummeted to the ground, and as the Princess broke the Queen's fall, a sharp bolt of pain shot from her left wing all the way through her spine. If it wasn't broken, then it was very badly sprained. She let out a short shriek.

Is she screaming? Okay, this date went from good to GREAT. I never pegged her for a screamer! Chrysalis thought. Grimacing, the alicorn let out a pained groan, and bucked the Queen off of her, who landed nearby in a heap. Slowly, both got up, heaving and moaning as they did. "Alright, enough of that flying stuff. Let's get back to the GOOD parts, sweet cheeks!" Chrysalis huffed and puffed as she spoke. Wow. She was more out of shape than she thought. Maybe Mu was right. Whatever.

Did she SERIOUSLY just call me 'sweet cheeks?!' Okay, calm down Sparkle. Remember: she's just trying to get inside your head to throw you off. You can't let her! Twilight thought, blinking in an effort to refocus. Wait! Maybe I can try the same thing! It's worth a shot, anyway. The two royals glared at each other for a moment. "'...back to the good parts,' huh? I didn't realize there had been any yet! Maybe there would be some good parts if you could get in an actual attack, bug-butt!" she taunted with a smirk. The Queen let out a low growl, then charged. She released a blast with her horn, causing the Princess to jerk to the right to avoid it. Another blast. Another jerk. Another blast, this time a shield, which barely held. Each shot was getting progressively stronger as Chrysalis became more and more frustrated with her poor precision. Finally, the changeling charged her horn, and released a ground-shaking blast. Twilight's eyes widened, and more out of habit than thought, she quickly put up a shield. A shield that would last less than a second, before evaporating. The blast hit and almost enveloped the Princess, flinging her halfway across the field. Sensing blood in the water, the changeling let out laugh of superiority, galloped across the field, and leaped on the alicorn spasming in pain. Her neck was unprotected, and filled with bloodlust, Chrysalis brought her open jaw down to crush the pony's jugular.

The blast, combined with the impact with the ground, gave the alicorn a terrifying premonition of her death. In turn, her mind decided to have her life flash before her eyes, shut in fear: sharing ice cream with her brother. Getting her cutie mark. Shining and her giving their parents some terrible breakfast in bed on their anniversary. Achieving her first degree. Then her graduate. Then her doctorate. Arriving in Ponyville. Making her first real friends. Meeting Applejack. Her coronation. All happening in less than the blink of an eye. She could feel the Queen above her, although she was unaware of exactly how close she was to shuffling off this mortal coil. She tried to summon the strength to blast the changeling with magic. Teleport away. Shove Chrysalis off. Anything. Yet, her whole body ached, and for the briefest moment, she accepted her fate.

Except, as is often the case, fate had other plans.

The bite never came. Chrysalis stood awkwardly over her conquered foe, her mouth salivating at the thought of snapping the little creature's neck. But nothing happened, primarily because of that little thought she had earlier: Remember, DON'T kill her! Oh. Right. She removed her mouth, wiped the drool off her snout, and stood waffling above the pony. The alicorn looked so pitiful at that moment, shaking in fear. It was cute. But that's not how this is supposed to go! Maybe if I give her a second to get up, we can keep this going? How do I do that, but make it look like I'm not throwing this date away? Um...conversation, I guess?

"Hey, Sparkle. I know that during these kinds of things, we're normally supposed to talk about each other, but I have to know: does Shining ever talk about me? I know he has a wife and kid and all, but every now and then I just think about him." she asked. Mistaking the mercy for gloating, the Princess' eyes finally flashed open in anger towards the Queen with a cruel glare. "I mean, it's just that, well, I can't help but feel like he and I had a connection or something, you know? And that's really confusing me, because I always figured I was g-"

"DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY BROTHER! YOU NEARLY KILLED HIS WIFE AND RUINED HIS LIFE! ALL OUR LIVES! YOU'RE NOT FIT TO SPEAK HIS NAME!" she shouted. She could feel it. The anger. The hatred. The complete and total revulsion. All those years of pent-up, unresolved issues, all threatening to boil to the surface. If this Queen wasn't careful, she could end up on the receiving end of it. Breathing heavily, she attempted to calm herself. She couldn't let Chrysalis get to her. She had to keep control of her emotions. She had to, because if she couldn't, then what kind of Princess was she?

"Look, all I'm saying is, even though stallions aren't my thing, I probably would have made his wedding night extra special, ya know? To be honest, I even tried before it! I mean, have you SEEN his flank? I didn't think unicorns were expected to work out like that, but he obviously does, because da-"

That's it. The last straw to break the camel's back. You can practically ruin a family member's life. You can invade the country's capital. You can kidnap and replace her and her friends. But you DO NOT talk about wanting to boink her brother! Letting out a deep, sepulchral yell, she brought her rear legs up and bucked the changeling in the barrel, making the Queen grunt in pain and leap back. Twilight jumped up, and seeing only red, magically ripped a nearby tree out by the roots and threw it at the changeling. Hitting the unexpecting royal square in the face, she and the now-nomadic denizen of the forest rolled halfway across the field, branches snapping and splinters flying. Chrysalis herself rag-dolled around the canopy of the tree, until flopping unceremoniously onto the ground a few body-lengths away.

HOOOO. WHAT A MARE! she thought. Her head was spinning, and as she stood, she shook it to regain her balance. As the world stopped twirling, she squinted. There was something running at her. Something...purple. Just as her eyes finally focused, she saw an extremely unhappy Princess charging at her, shrieking the most un-Princess-like obscenities she had ever heard in her life. Twilight tumbled into the Queen, letting loose a whirlwind of jabs and kicks, laced with enough profanity to make a drunken sailor blush. Not all of the kicks and jabs made contact, but the fury behind each one was practically tangible.

At first, getting hit by the girl she had a crush on was kind of fun, but now? Now it was starting to hurt, even when the Princess hit the armor. Chrysalis had to make sure that her Princess didn't go too far, or else she might actually damage some of her...important parts. And that would make continuing the species kind of hard. Also, while her helmet was nice and all, it didn't cover all of her head, and Twilight was getting more accurate with her strikes. Specifically, she was focusing on Chrysalis' face. And that did hurt!

The alicorn didn't want to admit it, but it was surprisingly cathartic to let loose in this fight. It felt...primal. She wasn't using any of the planned attacks she had prepared for, she wasn't following any sort of known protocol or rules of engagement; no, she was quite literally screaming in anger and letting fly with her hooves. And she hated herself for it. This isn't how Princesses are supposed to be! They're supposed to be reserved! Dignified! Subtle! And shrieking profanities while tumbling around the dirt with an enemy was none of those things. But darn it all if it didn't feel good to finally release all of that repressed anger and frustration. There were other bottled-up emotions, but she'd deal with them after all this was over. Clarification: she would rationally deal with them. Like asking Applejack out on a date without any sort of pretense. Or firing Trixie out of a cannon into the Celestial Sea, instead of turning her to ash. You know, practical solutions.

The blows kept coming, and the undignified Princess didn't seem to slowing. If anything, they were increasing in severity and accuracy. And worse, they were really starting to hurt. Come on, didn't anyone ever tell you 'not the face!'? Chrysalis thought. Also, who taught you how to curse? I thought you were a goody little four-shoes! A purple hoof came down on the armored snout, eliciting a shout of pain and momentary lapse in the beating. Sensing the chance, the changeling released a blast directly into Twilight's face, knocking her off. The Queen briefly smiled, then frowned. OH NO. What if I messed up her face?! she thought. Getting up, she looked over the pony, only for her foe's forelegs to jerk forward, knocking Chrysalis in the chin. More surprising than painful, it managed to loosen her helmet. "Oh, COME ON! Just give up already!" she shouted, rubbing her bruised face. "Seriously. Made me knock my teeth together. Hurts, jerk." the changeling muttered. The bedraggled alicorn unsteadily got up, now sporting a scorch mark on her cheek. Fortunately, the magic blast had only clipped her.

"NEVER! NOT AS LONG AS I STILL DRAW BREATH!" she shouted before unexpectedly jumping at the Queen, simultaneously knocking her to the ground, and making the helmet fly off in some unknown direction. Chrysalis could feel the power slip away, and panicked. She opened her mouth to ask for a time-out, only for a hoof to pound into it.

OW! OH SWEET MERCILESS PRAEDO THAT HURT! Instinct kicked in, and Chrysalis reacted the only way she could: by flailing. One foreleg smacked Twilight in the face, bringing a respite to pounding, while the other hoof struck the alicorn in the ribs, knocking the wind out of her. The Princess clutched her side, only for the Queen to shove her off. Muttering curses, Chrysalis got up, and the two glared at each other. As before, the changeling became impatient and lunged at the alicorn. She tried to dodge, but the battle was starting to take its toll on her, and Chrysalis crashed into her. They both fell to the ground in a pile, and started kicking at each other in the hopes of an incapacitating hit. This proved to be much easier for the armored Queen, as her cleated boots dug into the alicorn's barrel more than once, each time eliciting a pained yelp. With each blow, Twilight found her anger and barbarity increasing. Remembering that the Queen's head was now one of the few unarmored spots on her body, she desperately thrust both her forelegs out in a one-two punch to Chrysalis' face that managed to give her just enough time to get up. "You know..." the changeling said, clutching her snout in pain, "all this rolling around in the dirt reminds me of your brother's wedding." With that, the Princess finally fully snapped.

THAT'S IT! SHE'S DEAD! I'M GOING TO TURN THIS DISGUSTING BUG INTO A GREASE SMEAR! She let out a shrill cry and used the last remnants of her strength to pummel the Queen. Again, many of her hits struck the armor, but that too appeared to be bending under the savage assault. While Chrysalis would occasionally get a good kick in here or there, further bloodying the Princess, she found herself unable to match the speed or ferocity her date was putting out.

WOW is she a freak! But the good kind! I never thought my first date would go this well! she thought with a tiny smile, despite the pain she was experiencing. The smile turned to a confused frown, however, when the beating suddenly stopped. The changeling looked above her to see the alicorn rearing back, bringing both her forelegs up just above the Queen, and, eyes bloodshot, nostrils flared, teeth gritted, she let out a final, furious shriek as she brought them down with all her rage towards Chrysalis' head.


The Royal Guards assigned to the town had kept a weather eye out for changelings, apparently, for no reason. No insurgent uprising occurred, the Queen didn't suddenly pop up, nothing. Master Sergeant Quillon sighed. "Corporal Ferrule, gather the rest of the troops. It's time to report to Princess Sparkle, and, Celestia willing, take that stupid bug to jail where she belongs." The subordinate saluted, and galloped off. Minutes later, the seven guards were in a semicircle, informing their commander of the lack of any changeling activity. Quillon nodded, and as they started off, a pegasus guard meekly raised his hoof. "Yes, Private First Class Chappe, what is it?" she sighed.

"Um. Master Sergeant Quillon si- I mean ma'am. I, um, kinda sorta hafta go to the latrine. Bad." The commanding officer closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Okay. Fine. Does anyone else need to?" she asked. The other six guards tepidly raised their hooves. Quillon rolled her eyes. "Fine. But we need to make it fast." Looking around, she saw that Sugarcube Corner was the closest public building. "There." she said, pointing, "We'll go into that bakery. But do your business quickly, because Princess Sparkle is relying on us."


Twilight's barrel was heaving as her hooves impacted with the ground, a gnat's wing away from crushing the Queen's head. She couldn't do it. Despite all the things the villain had done to Equestria, to her family and friends, to her, she just couldn't do it. Chrysalis deserved punishment, certainly, but not death.

The changeling opened a fearful eye, then the other. The alicorn above her was trying to catch her breath, and glaring at her. Chrysalis could see the fire in her eyes, and the strength behind them. She felt helpless. She felt trapped. She felt...hot. If she was smitten with this purple Princess before, now she was totally enraptured. The more she stared at the alicorn, the more she noticed the wounds from the fight: the scorch mark on Twilight's cheek, the sprained wing, the still-bleeding cut just under her horn, and gouges in her belly. That was her scorecard, and the Queen felt exhausted. It had been a knock-down, drag-out fight, far more than her little spat with Celestia. Psh. That silly white weirdo went down with one hit! But not Twilight; no, she had given almost as much as she had gotten. Almost. And won, sorta. And better yet, she had come this close to splattering her brains on the ground! But she hadn't! On purpose! The changeling couldn't think of a clearer sign that this purple pony Princess was clearly the right one for her.

"QUEEN CHRYSALIS!" Twilight shouted, trying to project the sheer brute force of the Royal Canterlot Voice in her throat. "You are under arrest for your crimes against Equestria! What do you have to say for yourself?!" she demanded, her eyes twitching in anger.

Suddenly, Chrysalis was conflicted. Maybe it was shock, or perhaps the fact that she had nearly had the world see what was literally on her mind moments earlier, but for whatever reason she couldn't respond. She was going over the battle in her mind, and a thought occurred to her: she had almost died! She had been in dangerous situations before, sure, but she had never been that close to death. There was always a way out, some trick she could pull, or something. But having to work within the strict confines of dating had gummed up the works. But...Twilight had spared her. Why? Was this...love? Not the nutritious kind, but the actual emotion? She wasn't sure what it was, but it vexed her. How do you respond to something like this? Clearly there was only one possible reaction to the conflict churning inside the Queen. The changeling grimaced and shut her eyes. Her whole body flinched. She took a deep breath through her nostrils. Twilight warily charged her horn again, ready for any last desperate attack from the fallen royalty.

And Queen Chrysalis, Former Leader of the Badlands Hive, Defeater of Princess Celestia, and alleged Devourer of Ponies, lurched forward, grabbing the alicorn by the withers, brought her down to the ground, and...

...started bawling uncontrollably.

"I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA DO THIS AND I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE MY QUEENY LIKE THAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPECIAL I'M SO SO SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME I WON'T LAST A WEEK IN JAIL!" she sobbed out. Twilight didn't respond; she was so in shock, all she could do was stare at her enemy in disbelief. "IT'S JUST YOU'RE SO PRETTY AND I KNOW I PROBABLY DON'T STAND A CHANCE WITH YOU BUT SHE MADE ME DO IT AND SHE'S JUST! SO! ME-HE-HE-AN!" Chrysalis shoved her face into the crook of the alicorn's neck, still wailing.

You know, I predicted forty-two different outcomes for this battle, and this...this was not one of them. Twilight thought. Several minutes went by, and the Queen's crying subsided, and the silence was only punctuated by an occasional shudder from the changeling. Twilight cleared her throat.

"Okay, so, um, real talk for a second." she said. The Queen, still bear-hugging Twilight, lifted her head to meet the alicorn in the eyes. "Is this...is this a feint?" Chrysalis cocked her head to the side and gave a questioning look. "You know, like you're pretending to be all sad and pathetic to lull me in to a false sense of sympathy, then you strike while my guard is down?" The changeling shook her head.

"...what? No. But that's a good idea, I'll need to remember it." she replied, shoving her face back into Twilight's neck with a contented murmur. The alicorn tried to pry off her attacker, but found that she had a deceptively strong grip.

"Right, so...where was I?" she asked. "Oh. Right. Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings, you are under arrest for kidnapping, sedition, assault, battery, impersonating a royal, use of malicious magic without a permit, and littering. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. If you do not have a lawyer, one will be provid- ARE YOU SNIFFING ME RIGHT NOW?!" she shouted. Chrysalis looked away from the purple Princess.

"...you smell really good." she meekly replied. Twilight began clawing at the changeling in an attempt to get away.

"Okayokayokay, get off me! You just made it weird. Weirder. Get off!" she demanded, before telekinetically removing herself from the Queen's grip. She shook and shuddered for a moment, before taking a breath.

"Anyway. If you do not have a lawyer, one will be provided for you and would you STOP looking at me like that?! It's like you're undressing me with your eyes, and I'm not even wearing anything!" she shouted, taking a step away from the lecherous royal. Chrysalis grunted.

"Hey, it's not my fault you look hot when you get all authoritative like that!" she said, gesturing with her hooves. Twilight fumfered in incredulity.

"I- wha- alright, really? Is this how you're going to be?" she asked. Chrysalis raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" she asked in response. The Princess began gesturing wildly.

"Like...like this! I mean, I thought you were a Queen! I thought royalty was supposed to exhibit pride and project respect!" she exclaimed. The changeling put a hoof to her barrel in shock.

"Hey! I AM a Queen! It's just...I'm sort of between hives right now, is all!" she replied with indignity. Twilight cocked her head.

"Wait, you don't even have a hive?" she asked. The Queen rolled her eyes.

"Well, no, not really. That purple-ish pink-ish friend of yours kinda blew it up, remember?" Chrysalis replied bitterly.

"I thought Thorax did that?" Twilight asked. The Queen's eyes widened with rage.

"His name is Sigma-17817! Get it right!" she said, before calming down. "Also, it still hurts, by the way. Thanks for asking. But that stupid mauve-ish colored pony gave him the stupid idea!" The alicorn lifted her eyes in thought.

"I think she's magenta. Or taupe?" she shook her head. "Ugh. Stop distracting me! We're getting off track. Here's the deal: you're under arrest, and you're going to face justice for your crimes against Equestria!" Chrysalis took a step back.

"What?" she asked. "No, that's not how this works. You come back to my place, we do it, and then decapitate you for the wall." she replied nonchalantly. Twilight gave a horrified look. "...what's with the face?"

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT THIS IS HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO?!" Twilight asked, recoiling in disgust. The Queen gestured with her hooves.

"Because! That's how it always goes in the movies!" she replied. The Princess furrowed her brow in confusion.

"They show a battle's loser getting to violate and decapitate the winner?" she asked. Chrysalis nodded her head.

"Well, duh. I mean, I think they fake it most of the time, especially since you see the same actors in a lot of different videos, but that doesn't make it any less hot." she replied matter-of-factly. Twilight's mouth sat agape.

"...hot? HOT?! You are messed up, lady! MESSED! UP!" she replied, taking another step back from her enemy. This time it was the Queen giving a confused look.

"Hey, what's with the insults?" she asked. Twilight stammered for a moment.

"B-because! Who gets all hot and bothered to snuff films?!" she demanded. Chrysalis scrunched her nose.

"I thought snuff films were about ponies getting murdered in painful ways?"

The Princess smacked a hoof to her face. "THEY ARE! And that is literally what you just described!" she said, gesturing towards the changeling.

"What? No, I was talking about...you know..." she made a circling motion with her hoof. Twilight just glared and shook her head.

"...snuff films?" she finally asked.

"No! You know...porn." she quietly replied. The Princess gave a deadpan stare.

"...porn."

"Yeah, you know the cliches! One royal attacks another, the one who wins is deemed worthy to mate, and after the winner lays her eggs, she decapitates them, as a way to remember the whole thing?" she nervously answered. Again, Twilight only responded with a look of horror. "Again with the face! And other changelings say I'm a prude! You can't even handle the vanilla stuff!" she mocked.

"...that is not even remotely close to a pony's reproduction rituals or methods. Or any other species I'm aware of. The closest thing that comes to it would be the rituals and methods of the mantid religiosa, but there's reason to believe that's largely a myth, seeing as it only happens when the females of the species are exceptionally underfed and must resort to cannibalism." the pony replied in a monotone voice. Chrysalis stared at the Princess, speechless.

"Wow you're a nerd." she muttered to herself. "Anyway! Wanna come back to my place, or should we go to yours?" she asked in an upbeat voice. Twilight gave a frustrated groan.

"Have you not been listening?! You're under arrest! You go to jail! Then court! Then probably prison! That's it!" she shouted, wildly gesticulating with her hooves. The Queen gave a look of disgust.

"I don't wanna mate with you in jail! It's probably all dirty, and I doubt we'd have much privacy..." The Princess let out an angry, guttural groan as she slid a foreleg down her face.

"Are you kidding me right now?! THERE WILL BE NO MATING. AT ALL." Chrysalis' head whipped back up to face the alicorn.

"But! But! You won! You're worthy! And hot! And smell good! And probably great in the sa-" she was unable to finish her sentence, as the purple pony had shoved a hoof in her mouth.

"Please stop. You're being creepy. er. Like a different kind of creepy than normal." she said before removing her limb.

The changeling rubbed a foreleg. "What do you mean? I'm not being creepy!" Twilight sat on the ground with a huff.

"Alright, I'm not going to say that I'm an expert or anything at courting somepony I like, but saying the stuff you've been saying is...unnerving." the Princess replied, staring forward. "And also? What was with that letter you sent me? You say you want to fight me, and then you do, but now you're hitting on me?" Chrysalis raised a hoof.

"In my defense, I didn't want to word it that way." she answered.

"And that photo album?" The Queen looked away.

"And I really didn't want to send you that."

There was a brief moment of silence, only broken by Twilight clearing her throat. "So...was that really your ovipos-"

"YES AND CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT IT?" the changeling replied, still refusing to look the pony in the face. Another pregnant pause.

"It's just...who sends an unsolicited picture of their genitalia to somepony?" Twilight asked, turning her head to face the Queen. Chrysalis slumped over.

"That's what I said!" she answered, thrusting her hooves in front of her. The Princess gave a confused look.

"To whom? I thought you didn't have any drones?" she asked. Without thinking, the changeling responded.

"My mo-nobody. I was talking to nobody." she answered quickly. Twilight turned to face her prisoner, and her gaze pierced the Queen.

"Wait...your mom made you do it? Wait. You have a mom?" she inquired. Chrysalis turned her back to the pony.

"N-no. Shut up. And of course I have a mom. Who doesn't?" she said, crossing her forelegs. The Princess stood up and began pacing.

"Hold on...it's all adding up now." she said to herself. "The lack of tact...the weird letter...the photo album..." she shuddered at the memory, "...you getting your moves from pornography..." she walked over to face the Queen.

"Was I going to be your first...'conquest?'" she quietly asked. Chrysalis found herself immediately interested in the ground. "...I was, wasn't I?" The Queen's head snapped back up.

"No! I've totally done it! Plenty of times! How else could I have had so many hives?! Huh?!" she demanded. Twilight plopped on the ground, dumbfounded.

"Wow. Just...wow." she said, staring at the ground. "How does that happen?" she asked. Chrysalis sneered.

"Shut up! I'm not a virgin! I totally know what I'm doing! You're just...you're just a prude!" she shouted, still not looking at the Princess. Twilight softened her voice.

"No, really. I'm not making fun of you, I promise. It's just that...you're, what, about 3500 years old, right?" Chrysalis' eyes widened.

"Uh. Yeah. Just a bit under, actually." The Princess nodded.

"Okay, so if you're just under 3500, and I know you've had hives before-" she began.

"Eight. I've had eight hives." the Queen responded. Six, technically, but who's counting?

The Princess continued. "-so eight hives before. How did you manage to create them without ever mating? My research has brought me to believe that you can't grow one without some form of reproduction. Is that true?" Chrysalis bobbed her head back and forth indecisively.

"Well- I mean-" she stammered. With a sigh, she continued. "Ugh...fine. Yes. You can grow a hive without mating. Even though I totally have. You just need to be the first Queen the larva see when they hatch. Seriously, I thought you were smart." Twilight flinched.

"I am smart! It's just that there's still so much we don't know about your kind! Like your social structure, how long you live, and, apparently, your mating habits!" she replied. Chrysalis gave a tiny gasp.

"Are...are you saying you want to...study me?" she asked, giving a demure look. Twilight shook her head.

"Don't read that much into it. And from a physiological standpoint? Sure, once you're in prison." she added nonchalantly. The Queen threw her hooves up in frustration.

"C'mon, no prison!" she whined. The Princess put a hoof to the bridge of her snout, and shut her eyes.

"You're a wanted criminal!" she exclaimed. "Do I have to repeat your list of crimes?"

"Please no." Chrysalis replied with a frown. Twilight stood up, and squinted behind her defeated opponent.

"Speaking of, where are those royal guards? They should be here by now!" she said, trying to peer over the horizon. The Queen gave a small chuckle.

"You...you called for more ponies to get in on this? Kinky." she said with a wink, only for it to be returned with a dirty look.

"This is the last time I'm going to tell you: we are not and will not ever mate. Ever-ever." Chrysalis opened her mouth to interject, but Twilight continued. "I know I beat you in solo combat, and for some reason you think that means I want to mate with you, but I do not. Because if you think for one second that I'm going to allow you to mate with me then decapitate my body, you've got another thing coming!" The changeling gave a lecherous smile.

"Ho ho, I know I'll be com-" she suddenly found her mouth magically shut. The alicorn glared at her, and moved so close that all the Queen could see was her face.

"And if you keep talking like that, I will personally make sure that Princess Celestia banishes you to the moon. Permanently. You will not return in a thousand years, no stars will aid in your escape. Just moon dust, and moon rocks. Forever. GOT IT?" she said through gritted teeth. The Queen reluctantly nodded. Removing the telekinetic grip she had on her mouth, Twilight sat back down with a huff.

"You know, if you didn't want to mate, why did you even come here? To lead me on? That's not cool, dude." she asked, casting an accusatory glare at the alicorn, who scrunched her nose in response.

"First, don't say 'dude.' Second, I came here because when I read your letter, you said you wanted to engage in one-on-one combat. After I inevitably beat you, I'd have you arrested and WHERE ARE THOSE ROYAL GUARDS ALREADY?!" she shouted, turning her head to hopefully see them coming over the hill. They did not.


Sugarcube Corner had always been a popular hangout, and today was no different. Well, it was a little different, as there were eight royal guards all sitting at a round, large table. They all sported bloated bellies, and had labored breathing. A large gray stallion walked over with a concerned look.

"Uh...you folks alright?" he asked. Before they could respond, a pink blur zipped in front of the stallion.

"Oh, come on you guys! You've only tried twenty-six flavors of my forty-two flavor lineup of cakes! I need to know which one is the best for this year's National Dessert Competition!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. Shaking his head, the gray pony walked out of the shop. One of the guards lifted her head to face her.

"With respect, Miss BURP, we only came in to use the restroom. We didn't expect the proprietor to fill us with cake." she responded with a wheeze. Another guard raised a hoof.

"Do...do you think Princess Sparkle needs us by now?" The first guard shook her head.

"No, she's fine. She's the Element of Magic and a full alicorn, remember? She's got it..." she said before slumping over onto the table with a grunt. Pinkie gave a giggle as she collected the plates from the table.

"Oh, if anyone can take on that mean 'ol fussypants, it's Twilight! I just hope she knows what she's getting into...I mean, I'd hate to break a Queen's heart, ya know?" she asked, only to be answered by snoring from the guards.


Chrysalis huffed. "What's wrong with saying 'dude?'"

"Because! You're not some...skateboarder or something! Whenever ponies older than me try to use teenager lingo, it just makes me feel embarrassed for them; like they're trying to recapture their lost youth or something. It's sad, to be honest. It's like when some stallion turns forty, so he goes out and buys some shiny new red carriage. It's not making him any younger, so he needs to stop and just act his age." she replied, rolling her eyes. The Queen shifted uncomfortably.

"...ouch. And also, you kinda sounded like my mom there, and it's weirding me out. Stop." she said, shoving a hoof at the Princess, who sighed and shook her head. Chrysalis stood, and stretched. "So...is this going to happen, or what?" she finally asked. Twilight's head whipped around, and the Queen was met with a withering glare.

"NO. We are just going to sit here, and wait for the- hey! Where are you going?! Get back here!" she shouted after noticing that the changeling was walking away. Chrysalis turned around, and began casually inspecting a hoof.

"Look, if we're not going to mate, then I'm going home. There's no point to me staying and wasting time that I could spend...researching." She placed her hoof back on the ground, and stared at the Princess. "Oh, and by the way? Bringing me here just to lead me on? I thought you were better than that." Turning back around, she began looking for her helmet so she could start the slow walk back to the hive, where she would tell the drones that she definitely scored, but no, they can't see the head, because a lady never kills and tells. Or rather, she would have, had Twilight not grabbed her by the tail.

"Oh no you're not! You have to pay for your crimes!" she said, dragging the Queen back. The changeling jerked her tail out of the Princess' grasp.

"Nuh-uh! I'm not an Equestrian citizen! You can't charge a non-Equestrian citizen with Equestrian laws!" she shouted. Twilight gave an incredulous look.

"...where did you even hear that?! Yes! I can! Especially when you're on Equestrian soil, you dolt!" she exclaimed, pointing a hoof at her uncooperative prisoner. The two began arguing on the finer points of local laws and ordinances, not noticing a large gray Earth stallion cresting the hill. Staring at the situation before him, he sighed, and walked down to the two arguing creatures. Spying the pony arriving, Twilight turned to face him.

"Hey!" She racked her brain to remember the pony's name. "Um...Barrel Race? For your own safety, you need to get out of here! I'm dealing with an extremely dangerous prisoner here!" she said, pointing at Chrysalis. The stallion gave a lazy smile.

"So you beat 'er, huh?"

Twilight stood tall at the remark. "Yes. I did. And you really need to leave! She could attack you at any moment!" Again, the stallion only smiled.

"That's exactly what I wanted to hear." And with that, there was a blinding flash as the gray Earth stallion turned into a much larger black changeling. A Queen, to be more specific. A Queen of Queens, to be exact. She let out a chuckle that slowly turned into a guffaw, before finally resting on a much more feminine titter punctuated with a squeal. She scooped up the much smaller alicorn, and held her at foreleg's length, giving her a once-over. "Well, well, well! It appears my little Chryssi has finally caught her first mate! And it's not even her own hoof for once!" she said, her eyes sparkling. "Now, just to make sure you don't get cold hooves...boop!" A tiny chunk of green crystal encased the end of the Princess' horn. As Twilight blinked away the spots from the flash, she was finally able to focus on what was happening.

"Whoa! Who are you?!" she said, struggling to escape the elder royal's grasp. Every attempt at magic seemed to get blocked by the crystal, which appeared to be practically intertwined with the very cells of the horn.

"Mom! Have you been here the whole time?!" Chrysalis asked.

"Not entirely. I've been here off and on, really. Nice little town you have here, Princess. You should be proud." The alicorn responded with a look of abject shock. "Oh! My goodness, where are my manners? I am Queen of Queens Dominatus, or just 'Queen of Queens' if you like. As well as being the leader of all changelings far and wide, I am also the Royal Brood Mother and Chryssi's mommy. And speaking of my little love bug, I can't express how lucky you are! You get to be her first mate! Ohhhh, just the cutest little eggs are going to rupture your belly! I can FEEL it!" she replied, nuzzling an extremely overwhelmed Princess' nose. Chrysalis tapped on her mother's shoulder.

"Seriously Mom, please stop; you're embarrassing me." The Queen of Queens scoffed.

"Oh, no I'm not, sweetie! Besides, quit being so grumpy! You should be happy! You're not going to die a virgin!" she said, her voice squeaking at the end.

"You're making me wish I was dead now..." grumbled the younger changeling. Her mother shushed her, before turning back to a wriggling alicorn.

"So, Princess Twilight Sparkle! Did you wish to take my daughter's virginity here, your castle, or my hive?" Dominatus asked, causing the pony to momentarily stop wriggling.

"Wait. Your hive? Why would anything happen at your hive?" she asked. She turned her head to face Chrysalis. "Are you living with your parents?" The Queen gave a deep and bitter sigh.

"Parent." she corrected. "And seeing as your orchid-colored friend blew up my last hive and stole all my drones, I didn't really have much choice, now did I?" she responded, refusing to look the alicorn in the eye. Dominatus nodded in agreement.

"I'm afraid she's right. And technically her father is there with us, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, since I refused to ask any of her half-sisters to give her another loan to build up another one, I figured that now was the right time for her to cross into motherhood! Everyone wins!" she cooed. Twilight simply looked ahead, astonished.

"...wow. This just adds so many layers to what I thought I knew..." she said in a faraway voice. The Queen of Queens suddenly chimed in.

"So! Here? Your castle? Or my hive? If I may suggest, my hive would be the ideal option; I cleaned Chryssi's room before coming here, so it won't gross you out too much." she recommended. Again, the Princess turned to face what she thought was the only Queen, up until a few minutes ago.

"Your mom cleaned your room for you to lose your virginity in?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow. Chrysalis opened her mouth to respond, only to be cut off by her mother.

"Oh, I had to! My little love bug has just been so weak lately, without drones to support her." she said, jutting out her lower lip in a mock look of sadness. Moving closer in, she loudly whispered to the alicorn. "You should have seen her trying to lift boxes of files with her magic! It was hilarious!"

"Huh? ...'drones to support her?'" Twilight asked. King Thorax wasn't using hyperbole, then. "So if I'm understanding this correctly, Chrysalis' raw magical power is directly correlated to the number of drones she has?" Dominatus grinned and nodded her head.

"Very perceptive of you, little pony! The intelligence files weren't kidding when they said you were quick on the uptake!" Still suspended in the air by the elder Queen, the alicorn frowned.

"So if, like you said, she has no drones to support her, and therefore has no real magical power, how was she able to put out as many arcane attacks? Especially ones with that much power behind them?" she asked. Again, Chrysalis opened her mouth to answer, only to be cut off by the Queen of Queens.

"Oh, that. Did you see the gorgeous helmet she was wearing? It has some of my magic imbued in it, so she could at least put up a fair fight. Otherwise, you probably would have annihilated her in seconds!" Dominatus answered with an airy laugh. Frowning, the elder royal turned to her daughter. "Now that you mention it, just where is that helmet, young lady?" Chrysalis' eyes widened, and she began twisting her neck back and forth to find the missing headpiece.

"Uh. Um. It was right here just a second ago!" she said, turning around to search the battle-scarred field behind her. With a sigh, the elder Queen charged her horn, and the helmet came flying out from behind the stump from which it had fallen. Holding it in her magic, she carefully inspected it, attempting to find any scratch or dent that may have been created in the battle. "Oh! There it is! Right, uh, right where I left it. Yeah." Dominatus cast a skeptical eye towards her daughter. She was about to interrogate the younger Queen about just exactly why she had removed such an important and irreplaceable relic when Twilight continued.

"So, let me see if we're all on the same page: Chrysalis, your mom, that you live with, gave you a helmet with incredible power, so that you could go hoof-to-hoof with me, on what your culture apparently considers a date, in the hopes that I would pass your test that I had no prior knowledge of...so you could lose your virginity? I would say that this is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me, but seeing as I'm best friends with Pinkie Pie, this barely breaks the top five." The young changeling let out a frustrated groan.

"Yeah, I get it. I'm weird. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser." she muttered with a frown. Twilight shook her head.

"No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm sayi-" she replied before being interrupted by Dominatus' laughter.

"While that was marvelously succinct, you don't have to say that, dear. It was already quite clear that she's a weird pathetic loser!" she said between chuckles. The alicorn looked appalled.

"...that was harsh." she said. The elder Queen snorted.

"Well, she's needed a good shot in the leg for a while now! And from what I can tell, you're the perfect filly to do it!" she said with a devious smile. Twilight began to protest, only for her mouth to be bound shut by the same green crystal that adorned her horn. Dominatus looked to the horizon, as the last few rays of sunlight vanished, and dusk turned to night. "Hmmm. It's getting rather late, isn't it? You know what? We'll just all return to my hive; it's much better for your first time than doing it out in the open like this." she said, pursing her lips. Turning to her daughter, her face suddenly brightened. "With that said, Chryssi, after this you HAVE to mate outside! IT. IS. AMAZING." Chrysalis raised a hoof to yell at her mother, when loud grunting caught her attention. The Princess was making as much noise as possible while violently shaking her head. Cocking her head in confusion, it dawned on her.

"Oh. Right. Hey, Mom? She said she kind of didn't want to-"

"-be with a virgin?" Dominatus interjected. "I don't blame her. Being anyone's first is so unsatisfying. But, assuming our intelligence is correct, and it always is, she's experienced in love!" she said flippantly. Twilight whipped her head to face the elder Queen, and with wide eyes gave a very concerned grunt in response. "Besides, it will be good for you to be with someone experienced for your first time!" Chrysalis sighed.

"Mom, what I'm trying to say is that she-" she began, only to be shushed by her mother yet again.

"Quiet. We must be going."

And with another blinding flash, the three royals were gone. Several minutes later, eight wheezing royal guards crested the hill overlooking the field. Master Sergeant Quillon looked to her subordinate.

"This...this is the field, right?" she asked. The guard nodded his head. "Where are they?!" she said, the panic in her voice rising. Another guard spoke up.

"Look at the scorch marks, ma'am! The tree! And the hoof prints! There was definitely a battle here!" the guard said, pointing at the evidence. The commanding officer lowered her head.

"...ooooohhhhhh the Princess is going to have my flank for this..."