Star Wars: Rogue Pun

by Barrobroadcaster


Chapter 2: The Den

"After all that, I thought that'd be the last time we saw the Loch Ness Monsta but then-"

Derpy continued nodding, listening attentively, until she felt something buzzing at her side. It was her commlink. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Perrymint. I have to take this call- it might be important!"

"Ahh, okie dokie. Well, nice seein' ya anyway, Derpy. Always good to see you."

She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out her commlink. "Oh, uh, could you do me a favor? I almost forgot."

"Hmm? Whatcha need?"

"Hold on, errrmmmm," she pulled out a note. "Okay, ummm... could you please redirect the station's asteroid defense cannons? To fire at the Imperial fleet? Kay, thanks, love the Rebel Alliance. That's a note from them."

Mr. Perrymint's eyes lit up. "Ohh, is that what they want me to do? Well, I think that can be arranged." The elder pony keyed in a sequence of commands on his console. The station's cannons began to react.

"Thaaanks." She stepped out and answered her commlink. "Hi, you've reached Derpy Hooves- we never fail to bring your mail!"

"DERPY! DERPY-AAAHHH!"

"Hi Brett!"

Brett turned left carefully, another TIE Hunter coming into view. The TIE banked inward and came at him head-on, same as the last four. The moment it did, Brett squeezed the trigger of his laser cannons and blasted the TIE Hunter to pieces. He then resumed turning left and yet another TIE Hunter came into view. It pulled sharply towards him, he fired and blasted it. It was all he could do to keep moving and firing. Because there were sixteen more TIEs behind him.

"DERPY! Thank the Force! We need the defense cannons to fire on the Imperial fleet! HURRY! Tell the gunner- TELL THE GUNNER NOW!"

"Oh. But I already did that."

"What?!" Brett then jolted as a massive orange bolt lanced above his cockpit canopy, a scant few meters above his craft. Another one streaked by and then another, and another. Orange rays hurtled across the starry vista, fast but still slower than any laser. They had come from the station's automated asteroid defense cannons. But they weren't aiming at asteroids.

The orange beams struck the Imperial cruisers and escort carriers. The bulkier Imperial ships might have been able to evade the shots if they hadn't been so close, if they hadn't caught them completely off guard. The anti-asteroid beams were designed to destabilize meteors and other large objects by creating a resonance and heat within the rock and metal objects, breaking them down until the station's shields and armor simply dissipated them. Now, the Imperial ships knew what it was like to be those rocks.

The cruiser closest to the station was overwhelmed by the first volley. Its shields deflected the first few shots but then buckled. The streaks scorched black the cruiser's armor until it began to vibrate. The entire frame shook and exploded from the inside, ripping to pieces in a giant ball of fire. The escort carrier to its aft was hit by the initial volley as well; the station had plenty of cannons, being so close to an asteroid field. The escort carrier pitched from the force of the blasts it absorbed, exposing its belly to the withering fire. Its shields fell quickly and its mid section was burned until it exploded as well, becoming another burst of intense flame.

"Look! The station's guns are working!"

"NICE!"

Brett whooped. "WOO! I told you she wouldn't let me down!"

"Don't you mean US?!" Gary's voice chastised him.

"Ha, of course, Gar!" He yanked the throttle back towards the Imperials. Even the TIEs were caught off guard by the unexpected development. They swarmed but were having trouble coordinating their attacks.

"Let's take out the rest of these TIEs while they're confused! Break by pairs and engage at will!" The Y-Wings paired up began hunting down the TIE Hunters, an easy task now that they weren't on the defensive.

The other big Imperial ships tried to react: two cruisers and both of the remaining escort carriers turned to bring their weapons to bear against the station. But the asteroid defense cannons had a massive range- the Imperials didn't. The asteroid defense cannons made quick work of the three ships that tried to attack it. The other escort carriers and one of the cruisers tried to turn and run, but they found that as hard as the Rebels had earlier. The cannons simply turned and made short work of the two ships that tried to flee. That left one remaining.

"Good work, Dice Squadron. We're ready to make the jump to hyperspace- pass along our thanks to Amity's Leap!"

"Copy, Aurora." Brett grinned. A bit unnerving in the middle, but all in all, the mission was a resounding success. He looked out his viewport and gunned the throttle. It just wasn't quite over yet.

The last of the U-Wings hyperspaced out full of supplies. "Everybody, form up on me. We got one last target." The final Imperial cruiser was retreating through the asteroid field, its only escape vector. The ship's cannons fired at the asteroids it couldn't evade, twisting and turning in a frantic attempt at escape. It was already outside the range of the station's defense cannons. But it wasn't out of the range of Dice Squadron.

"Scope check, Leader? They're retreating. I see no other target on my scope."

"Yeah, Brett, they're retreating."

"Just like we were trying to do," Brett pointed out.

"Like we should be doing right now," Gary fired back. "They're not a threat, Brett. There's no point in going after them."

Brett didn't slow down. His squad was forced to keep up. "They'd do the same to us, wouldn't they? Besides, they know they saw the station fire on their group so they know the ponies are on our side. We can't let them tell their superiors."

"I thought the Imps already knew the ponies were with us. Besides, there are still stormtroopers on the station," Gary argued. "C'mon, Brett, this is reven-"

"Throttle up and that's an order," Brett barked, teeth gritted. "This asshole isn't getting away." Dice Squadron's Y-Wings went into the asteroid belt. Smaller bits of asteroid were deflected by the crafts' shields but they had to avoid anything larger than a toaster. Even the tinier fragments of space rock could be damaging if they were traveling fast enough, or if you were.

Jan's Y-Wing pulled away as the group entered the belt. "Brett, I'm staying behind. My engines are shot anyway."

"That's fine, Janna, watch our exit vector. How's your hyper?"

"Still online... for now."

"Alright, be ready for a quick jump. We're gonna make this quick, arm proton torpedoes," he ordered. He thumbed the button activating his secondaries. The crosshairs digitally painted onto his viewport changed from a green sight to an orange diamond. He only had two proton torpedoes left, as did his squad. They would have to make every torpedo count.

The cruiser was coming up. Dice Squadron was effectively following its wake; as the larger ship pushed through the asteroid field, it would have to shoot the larger asteroids and power through the smaller ones. It was worse for the cruiser, being too large to dodge anything, but a smart helmsman could potentially minimize the damage. The only question was if their shields, armor and hull would hold through the abuse they had to take in order to reach the other side.

The asteroids continued tumbling violently ahead of them, the telltale sign that the larger ship was just ahead. Brett had to weave his fighter over a larger one coming up, his wingmates went around. Some of the asteroids ahead of them exploded violently in silent bursts of flame. The cruiser's lasers were ignited compressed gas pockets inside the asteroids themselves. He checked his squadron readout: eleven green lights, including his and one yellow- Jan's. The squad was keeping pace with him.

"We're almost on him, keep up the throttle. Prepare to fire on my target." He just started to make out the glow of the cruiser's engines, a trio of white lights twisting and turning. The lights were in a vertical line- the helmsman was keeping the ship at a knife's edge to cut through the asteroids. Faster but risky; it left the ship's underbelly exposed. The enemy helmsman was good. Very good.

Brett lined up the orange diamond on the ship's engines. "Almost there. Almost..." The trio of lights danced in the distance. The diamond targeting reticle turned red. "Getting a lock! All wings-"

"URSA! URSA!!"

The first rock nearly smashed into his cockpit canopy. Brett had time to just barely see the Ursa Minor on an asteroid to his port side before the space bear chucked another stone at him. The blue, translucent star-bear snarled, a roar that magically penetrated the vacuum of space.

"SHIT!" Brett juked right to avoid the second rock flung by the ursa. And ran right into the second.

"Raaaarrr!" He pulled right instinctively but it was too late. A massive claw raked the side of his ship, ripping right through shields and armor and hull to the sensitive equipment underneath. In actuality, the Ursa Minor was just swatting the rude Y-Wing that had woken him and his clan up from space hibernation. It hadn't even been that hard; the Ursa was so powerful that even a swat had enough raw strength behind it to cut through armor. They used their claws to make dens in asteroid fields, after all.

"BRETT! BRETT THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!"

"I've lost starboard engine! I can't-*krsssshhhht!*"

Brett pulled up. It was the only thing he could think to do. "PULL UP! Full thrusters, everyone, pull-" But then his ship shook. All of a sudden, the stars stopped moving. He put more power into the engines, but they took him nowhere. The controls felt slack in his grip, like he'd lost all control. The rocks tumbled around him, his ship's engines burned hot but he didn't move forward.

"Brett! Brett, it's got-!" Gary's voice cut out abruptly. Red alarms flashed on his controls.

And all of a sudden, Brett felt a sickening feeling in his stomach. As if a tractor beam had latched onto him, he was pulled backwards. The star field shrank as his ship was pulled down, down by an unseen force, back towards the asteroids. Finally, it stopped and then suddenly, he was flipped over.

Something else came into view: a giant, translucent purple face. The Ursa Major. His ship was caught in the bear's enormous fingers, roughly the size of a dragonfly to the bear. The purple mother bear removed its ear muffs and glared at Brett.

"ARRRRRAAAAAARRRRRR!!"