//------------------------------// // Love Bites // Story: Just a Little Batty // by I Thought I Was Toast //------------------------------// I bit into my juice box and gave a mighty schlurp, leaving it a hollow husk of a thing. When I was sure it was good and empty, I spat it out into my saddlebags below. I surveyed the rest of recess from my vantage point, dangling from my tree, looking for any tasty morsels to be found. Sadly, there were no bugs in sight to snack on. It was still a little too cold, and I could spy hints of snow the sun had missed. Winter Wrap Up had come and gone, but spring wasn’t really all here yet. Oh, well. Home cooking was just as good in its own way. “Sweetie, toss me my cricket kabob, would you?” The unicorn in the shade beneath me nodded around a mouthful of her peanut butter sandwich. She held up a hoof to ask for a second, and picked up her thermos to wash it down with some milk. All too slow for Diamond, who just snorted and stood to head towards my bag. “I got it.” She started rummaging through my belongings. Her rump somehow managed to imperiously stick itself into the air while her snout was incapable of doing so. She shuffled around for a few seconds before popping up with a baggie housing not one, but two sticks’ worth of crickets. She looked up at me, bag in mouth, and she blinked as she came to realize just why I’d asked Sweetie to get my lunch. “Please don’t actually throw—“ “Catch!” She tossed the bag towards me. “Screep!” It fell a little short, and I fumbled with the bag as it dropped through my hooves. I had to lunge my head forward and catch it in my mouth with a snap, a bit of mango juice trickling down my neck as my fangs pierced the plastic. “Mmmrmf….” Lifting it back up, I spat it into my hooves and frowned. “Thanks, Diamond.” “What? You managed to catch it.” She sniffed. “I almost didn’t.” As I opened the bag, I was careful to watch for it falling apart further. “But you did.” She stuck her tongue out at me, so I threw the bag sans one kabob back at her. “Eeep!” She somehow managed to catch it, but cringed as the sticky mango juice mingled with her fur. “Well, then. As thanks for getting it for me, you can have one.” I winked. “You like mangoes, right? Besides, sharing is caring.” “Umm….” She looked between me and the kabob before tentatively pulling the stick out. “Oooh!” Scoots was suddenly looking on with interest. “Are you actually thinking about doing it, you chicken?” “Nah.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Ain’t no way she’d ever do it. She already suffered through a juice box on Night’s first day here.” “They aren’t that bad.” I flicked an ear and pouted. “I don’t know why you guys hate them so much.” “No offense, but those juice boxes are an affront to nature.” Silver nibbled on her crackers and cheese. “Yeah….” Sweetie’s face turned green. “I still sometimes have that nightmare where I drown in the stuff. I don’t know how you stomach them.” I tore a cricket off my kabob, deciding it better not to respond. There were just some fights I couldn’t win, and we’d all had this song and dance before. Another second or two and Diamond would toss me back the— Crunch. I blinked, mouth opening in astonishment at the sight of Diamond biting into the stick, eyes screwed shut and face wrinkled for the worst. The bit of cricket I’d been chewing fell out of my mouth to splatter in Sweetie’s mane, but she was too busy gaping at Diamond to notice. Indeed, the whole schoolyard was staring, although Diamond couldn’t see it as she pulled the stick out—wood audibly scraping against her clenched teeth. She took her time chewing, face twitching at each crunch of chitin. Her entire body gave an involuntary shudder. “Oh, Celestia, it actually tastes good.” She tried to wipe any remnants of cricket guts and mango juice from her tongue. “I’ve never tasted something so horribly wrong yet so horribly right in my entire life, and I’ve tried a lot of different foods at a bunch of my dad’s business dinners.” She fell still as she noticed the whole school watching. “What?” Diamond snorted, holding up the kabob. “You want some? There’s plenty left!” Everypony else quickly busied themselves with whatever they had been doing before, all whistling as they made themselves scarce. The only one who didn’t turn away was the last pony I felt like dealing with. He squirmed a bit, watching us until Pipsqueak whistled extra loudly and slugged him in the shoulder. Rumble glared for a second at his partner in crime before he began to edge forward. I ruffled my wings and glared a little, but that only seemed to speed up his approach. “Uhh… can I try?” He was sweating under all our gazes, and slicked back his shiny black mane with a hoof. My frown deepened a little, but I said nothing. It was Diamond’s to share now if she wanted. There was no way she would, though. Rumble had that stupid gel in his hair again—he had been for the past few weeks—and he smelled like… something… something bad…. I didn’t know what it was, but it burned my nose and made my eyes feel all watery. And I wasn’t the only one who had a problem with it. Some fillies laughed at him, while others actually recoiled from the smell—their cheeks burning black as they pointed and whispered. Even Scoots seemed repulsed. I could see her squirming below me as Rumble waited for an answer, cheeks just a little darker than normal. “Can I try some?” Rumble glanced around us all, eyes lingering on Scootaloo and me. Oh, Luna. Was he getting bolder from seeing Scoots? The jerk! He knew how sick he made everypony else! He was even strutting a bit more because of it! I was so going to bite him this Sunday when we were sparring. “Why do you want it?” Diamond frowned at Rumble, but she wasn’t saying no for some reason. “I’m curious.” He nodded to the kabob. “I mean, Night says her mom eats stuff like that all the time. It can’t be as bad as everypony makes it out to be.” Diamond squinted at him. “Hrmmm… Tell you what. You want it, then you need to wash it down with one of Night’s juice boxes.” “Hey!” I squeaked. “That’s my juice! Don’t I get a say in—“ One of Apple Bloom’s apples clunked me in the head. “Uhh…” Rumble squirmed beneath my evil eye. “I’m not quite that curi—“ A pebble from Pip pelted him in the side. “I mean, sure!” The loon’s grin was so brittle I could have shattered it with a single buck. “I don’t want a stupid colt drinking my juice!” I whined quietly to Diamond as she started searching my bag. “Of course you don’t.” She looked up at me with a smirk. “But neither will he once he’s had a sip. Trust me, his face will make giving up a little snack worth it.” “You did look kinda funny when you tried it,” I giggled. “Alright, I guess I can go along with this.” “Uhh… I can hear you, you know.” Rumble was sweating again. “If you really don’t want me drinking your juice, Night—” “No, no!” I bared my fangs in a smile. “Please, be my guest.” “I don’t think—“ “I dare you!” “I’m not sure—“ “I double-dog— No, I triple-dog dare you!” Several ponies gasped. Jumping right to the triple was mean and dirty of me, but if Rumble wanted to play, then I was going to play. “Oh, yeah! Well fine, then!” He stomped a hoof and flared his wings. “If that’s what you want, I’ll do it!” Grabbing the kabob from Diamond, he ate the whole thing in two bites—almost shoving the stick down his throat. The juice box was next. He grabbed the straw and I started to smirk. The wimp. Then he viciously stabbed the box a couple times and tossed the straw over his shoulder. Throwing back his head, he chugged the box, squeezing every last drop of juice out with one hoof. Victorious, he crumpled the box even further and tossed it at my hooves. “Happy now?” He glowered. “No.” I glared in kind. We stood there at a stand off, stances wide, wings flared. I dwarfed him in every sense, casting him completely in shadow as my wings unfurled, but the insubordinate foal insisted on standing his ground as always. Of course, he wouldn’t start a fight. He had learned not to do that fast enough, but he always pushed the line. It took him longer than usual, but he finally turned away with a huff. “I don’t even know why I try.” I snorted, but said nothing. He could say that all he wanted, but he was the one who kept trying to butt heads with me. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if he had some buffalo in his family tree. He stomped a hoof. “Every time I try to get to know you better you just try to bite my head off.” Wait. What? Was he crying? Why did he have tears in his eyes? “Well, you know what? Buck you!” He turned back to me, flaring his wings. “Being the coolest filly in school doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk to me all the time!” What was he talking about? I wasn’t that cool. Scoots was cool. Bloom was cool. Sweetie was cool. Diamond should be cool. I just hung with all the cool fillies, that didn’t make me cool. “All I want to do is ask you on a date! Why do you have to make it so hard?!” It took a moment for his words to sink in, another for me to realize I hadn’t misheard. It took a third for me to open my mouth and quite a few more for me to remember I could close it. His own eyes went wide at the admission, and he clamped his mouth shut, squirming for a second or two before he bolted for the schoolhouse. “He wanted to what?” I squeaked, suddenly feeling very small beneath the eyes of every foal in school. Some glared at me, while others looked on in pity. A few thankfully mirrored my look of utter confusion, but they were few and far between. “He wanted to ask ya out, ya batty loon.” Pip was one of the ones glaring. “Wanted to ever since you moved in! Don’t tell me you were daft enough not to see it? I thought you were just playing hard to get.” With a huff, he turned and ran after his friend. I turned to the girls. “You didn’t know about this, right? Please tell me I’m not the only one.” “We thought you just weren’t interested.” The Crusaders shrugged. “Horseapples….” I walked over to the tree and set my forehead on it. “I’m going to need to make this up to him, aren’t I? How the hay am I going to do that?” “Well, I know one way.” Diamond’s smile was downright predatory, like a falcon finally seeing a chance to snag its prey. “Do you trust me?” “Of course!” I squirmed at her smile, but there was no hesitance to my answer. “Then you’re going to have to come over to my place after school. It’s time you finally bite the bullet and read—“ She  paused for effect. “—Cosmarepolitan!” I began to hiss at the accursed name but stopped as I glanced at the schoolhouse again. “Fine…. But you better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking….” “This is so much worse than anything I imagined.” I sulked as Sweetie’s sister stabbed my sides with pins and needles in front of Diamond Tiara’s personal full-body mirror. The magazines had been a feint— No, a trap! When the other crusaders all made their excuses, I thought it had been for obvious reasons. Instead, Silver had recruited the worst possible pony for help, getting the rest of the Crusaders dragged right back in. “Don’t be such a baby.” Diamond sniffed, idly flipping the page of her magazine. “We deal with so much worse on a daily basis thanks to Scoots, Sweetie, and Bloom.” “Hey!” Scoots buzzed her wings irritably while Bloom and Sweetie just shrugged and nodded. “I’ll take tree sap and pine needles over colts any day.” I flinched a little as Rarity pricked me again. “They are a bit… smelly….” Apple Bloom wrinkled her face. “Says the farmer,” Diamond huffed. “And loud,” murmured Sweetie. “Says the singer.” “And rough,” Scoots coughed. “Says the jock!” Diamond threw her hooves up momentarily, her magazine flapping wildly. “Nice blush.” Silver turned a page of her own magazine, calm and collected as always. “Have you girls seriously never thought about going out with a colt as more than a friend?” “No!” I squeaked indignantly. “Well…” my backup faltered. “Eurgh…” I growled a little. “Traitors, the lot of you…. Why can’t I just take him to Burger Princess?” “Because I shan’t allow it!” The next pin poked a little harder as Rarity tutted. “First dates are magical things, and they should be treated as such. This is the first of many firsts for you, and it would be an insult to waste it.” “But I’m only twelve!” I whined. “There’s no way this counts as a real date!” “One can dream!~” Rarity singsonged. “Now perk up and stand still so I can get you properly fitted!” “Maybe I should have asked somepony else for help, hrmmm?” Silver hummed as she flipped another page. “You think?” I pouted. “The last thing I want is him thinking that I’m actually interested.” “No! This is not a pity date, darling.” A measuring cord snapped against my flank with a whip crack. “You must give such love a chance to blossom. Celestia knows how many colts had their hearts set on me. Oh, how I regret never even acknowledging such things.” Rarity gave a sly wink. “Or you could just break his heart, you know. Clip his wings and leave him broken on the ground.” I balked at that, hugging my wings as I winced. “But that’s not fair! I didn’t know!” “Life isn’t fair.” Rarity gave a very unladylike snort. “I know for a fact one of your friends has been dealing with the fact that they have a crush on Rumble and he’s only interested in you. Does that seem fair?” “Huh?” I squirmed a little and glanced at all the girls. “Rarity!” Sweetie’s whine was high enough to shatter glass. “Don’t tell me you’ve been reading my diary again!” “I will admit to no such thing,” Rarity hummed. “Though, may I suggest waiting to ask in a way that doesn’t incriminate yourself.” Sweetie blushed. “I was told that in confidence!” “Yes, and I’ve held your friend’s name back in confidence.” Rarity tutted. “I really must teach you all the ins and outs of gossip if you’re all going to act like this over something so small. I mean, really, this is mild compared to some of the nasty rumors you might have to deal with in the next few years.” An awkward silence descended, the soft shuffle of fabric, the flip of magazine pages, and Rarity’s humming the only sounds to be heard. I glanced between my friends, wondering who was the one. It seemed I had a secondary objective in addition to making up with Rumble now, and gosh did it complicate my mission. “So, how long until the dress is done?” I finally asked, fidgeting. “It’ll be hours if you don’t keep still.” Rarity tsked. “Honestly, aren’t you trying to get into the guard? Where’s all that poise?” “Not here,” I squeaked. “Guards don’t do dresses, they do—” “Dress uniforms! Of course!” Rarity squealed. “Why didn’t I think of it before? Little dress uniforms for you, Sweetie, and all your little Junior Guard friends. It’ll be so cute!” She frowned. “Although, it’s too late to start yours now. We can tackle it next time, I suppose.” “Me and my big mouth….” As much as I hated to admit it, Rumble’s house was kind of cool. Murky black clouds made up most of the structure, crackling with little flashes of lightning. It was just enough to create a constant hum of electricity—a hum that was broken up by the occasional small rumble of thunder. I whistled as I landed on the porch and a few sparks licked my hooves. A few strands of my mane stood on end, ruining the solid half-hour Rarity had sunk into it. Luckily, my dress just shimmered and shined as electricity danced across the metallic inlay. Had Rarity planned this? It felt like she planned this. Knocking on the door, I scowled at the thought. I waited about a minute like a tiny little scowling thunderstorm, and then the door opened to reveal Rumble’s brother. He glanced between me and something down the hall behind him a few times before arching his brow at me. “Rarity?” “Rarity.” I nodded tersely. “All I wanted was to take him to Burger Princess.” “I think Rumble would like that.” He squinted at me. “Although, I’m a little worried you’ve done enough.” “It’s not my fault,” I growled, and an extra bit of electricity crackled up my hackles. “I didn’t say it was.” Thunderlane raised his hooves up in a shrug as he fluttered back a bit. Waving me inside, he continued, “Celestia knows, I’ve been there. There was this one filly who wanted a piece of me back when I was in school. She tossed me hints for years and I never noticed because I was such a featherbrain.” “Whatever happened to her?” I carefully stepped inside, trying my best not to wrinkle the dress; stupid things were so easy to ruin. “I married her.” Thunder shrugged, eyeing me as I squirmed in my dress. “You need to use the bathroom?” “No.” “Not even to cut yourself out of that dress?” “Okay, maybe.” I squirmed a little as he laughed. “Oh, I like you. It’s no wonder little Rumble fell head over hooves for you.” “Oh, Luna, not you too…” I groaned. “I promise I won’t bite. I’m sure Rarity already had her fill.” He grinned, leading me to the living room. “All I’m saying is that I see what he likes about you. I might help him a little, but I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do. If you decide you don’t like him like that…” He shrugged. “…Well, there’s plenty of other birds in the sky. Although, there’s only one that drives him batty.” I groaned, closing my eyes and edging myself onto the cloud couch. I wanted to just sink into the clouds, but I just knew it would ruin my stupid, stupid dress. “You just wait there and I’ll go get Rumble,” Thunderlane chuckled. “He’s been moping in the shower ever since he got home.” “Great, just what I needed to hear. More guilt tripping.” I scowled as Thunderlane retreated, and I kept scowling as I waited. “Does this stuff come with an instruction manual?” I asked the empty room. Lightning crackled over me, dancing across my dress as I sat like a statue, the perfect picture of attention. “Night?” Rumble poked his head around the archway. “You actually—“ He froze as he saw me, pupils rapidly dilating. “Berightbackleftsomethingintheshowerokaybye!” A small, pony-shaped thundercloud was all that was left after I blinked. Yeah, on second thought, Rarity could bite me for all I cared. I pulled the dress off as quickly as I could, my face burning darker than the storm clouds around me. “Okay, Night.” Rumble had finally been coaxed back out of the shower by his brother. “What exactly are you here for?” “Well, I’m here to apologize for starters.” I squirmed. “Starters?” He tilted his head to the side. “Yeah, after that I’m ponynapping you and forcing you on a date whether you want one now or not.” “A date in that dress?!” “No, not in that dress!” I snapped, baring my fangs and growling. Thunderlane chuckled in the background. I sighed. “Look, I don’t like you like you, but I owe it to you to try to. That means you’re going to come with me to Burger Princess, have a couple hayburgers and hayfries, and see what happens.” “You mean it?!” His ears perked up. “Yes, I mean it.” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t expect anything from it, though. I still think colts are kind of icky.” “Aww….” Horseapples, his ears were wilting again. “You know, Rumble.” Thunderlane spoke up from where he was watching the two of us. “At the very least, you can come out of this as friends, and who knows what Night might think of you a year or two from now if you leave a good impression.” Yes, Mom and Dad had said my cooties would betray me someday. It made me want to gag a little, thinking I might moon over Rumble like he was with me. “Hrmmm…” Rumble gave a pensive frown for a moment or two. “Alright, then!” He gave me a bright, cheery smile, and I just knew something would go wrong. Walking into Burger Princess was a mistake. At least a quarter of the school was there from some sporting event, and they all turned from their meals to gawk at us. “Screep!” I shrunk inward at all the attention, my plans of sourly glaring the whole time forgotten as I realized we had actual witnesses. Witnesses who were not my friends—currently hiding in the bushes outside—and who I wouldn’t be able to swear to secrecy. “Daaaang. He actually changed her mind.” “Nah, she probably just pities him. Poor thing.” “Shhh! They can hear you!” “So?” “You want Night going all commando on your flank?” “Uh, you see her right now? I doubt she’ll be going commando anytime soon.” “You hear that Rumble of thunder, though? Pretty sure her coltfriend is about to do it for her.” “He’s not my coltfriend,” I murmured quietly into the floor. “Night?” Rumble patted me on my withers. “Why don’t you wait outside and I’ll grab us something to go. You fine with a double hayburger?” “Extra pickles and lettuce. Mango slices instead of fries.” Wow, there were a lot of dots on the vinyl tiles. I wonder if I could count them all. Shuffling out the door, I ignored the whispering in the bushes, and made my way to a nearby tree to hide in shame. Dangling by my tail, I completely wrapped myself in my wings—a leathery black cocoon—and started counting the number of ponies who stopped and stared with a number of clicks and whistles. For every one I counted, I promised myself I’d bite Rumble again on Sunday. Maybe over a few Sundays. There were a lot of ponies staring and my neck was burning up and, oh Luna, it was getting hot in here. Throwing my wings open, I took a couple gasping breaths before retreating again as yet more ponies started staring. Sun-blasted day dwellers. “Uhh… Night? I got you your food.” Oh, wonderful. The source of all my shame was back. Too bad I couldn’t bite him here and now. I furtively opened a hole in my cocoon and peered out at him. The jerk was smiling sheepishly with a paper bag on his back, rubbing the back of his head with one hoof. Horseapples. I remember when I thought that smile was just him being a cocky piece of— Breathe. Breathe. Calm down. Now dive the featherbrain and take the food. “Scree!” “Ah! Night! What are you doing?!” Settling back on the tree, I tossed his food to him and started nibbling mine. He gave me a look of some kind before snorting and rolling his eyes, unrolling his hayburger and taking a bite. “Mmmm… I’m so glad we went here instead of someplace fancy,” Rumble chuckled. “I was a little worried when I saw the dress that you were going to—“ “What dress?” I glowered. “Nothing.” Now he smirked, the cheeky jerk. “My mistake. I clearly just imagined you in the most shocking dress I’ve ever seen.” “Keep on talking.” I squinted at him, ignoring the burning in my cheeks. “I already have a running tally of how many bites this’ll cost you.” “You’d bite me either way,” he huffed. “Maybe you’ve just got a really long tally.” “And maybe you just need to take a chill pill.” “Oh, come on already!” Sweetie poked her head out of the whispering bush. “Just kiss and make up.” I hissed at her and she hastily ducked back down. Thankfully, her interruption let us get back to our food. Mmmm…. Mangoes. A couple minutes later, and we were sipping the last dregs of our drinks, and I was more than ready to go home for the night. Except… had it really been that bad? “So… same time next week?” I cringed as the words left my mouth. “As friends? I’ll bring the girls. You bring Pip and Feather. We all grab some burgers and maybe see a movie?” Rumble gave me a long look. “I suppose that’s the best I can ask for?” “Yes?” I squeaked a little higher than normal. “I’ll take it.” He shrugged. “Noooooooo!” Sweetie poked out of the bush again, throwing both her hooves in the air. “Come on! You gotta at least kiss or Rarity will be hounding me to do something!” “Yeeeeeeees!” Scoots started loop-de-looping, wings buzzing furiously. “Well, that answers that question.” I murmured, staring at Scoots’ acrobatic display. It was probably the most stunts I’ve ever seen her pull without getting worn out. Turns out, I didn’t even have to run reconnaissance. Guess I knew my newest mission. “What question?” Rumble went straight for the briar patch, of course. “Nothing.” I shook my head before perking my ears. “Actually? Ask your brother about it. He knows.” “If you say so.” Rumble squirmed. “No goodnight kiss, though, right?” My glower was dark enough to eclipse the sun.