//------------------------------// // Confidence // Story: Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria // by CelestialScribe //------------------------------// Ponies had woken up now, and, nodding to yet another passer-by, I was beginning to feel swarmed. I suppose I just didn't like anyone acknowledging my existence, simply greeting me as I walked to the doctor's meant that there was one more person thinking I was an intelligent alien life-form. Maybe it was what came with that, expectations, that I wasn't a fan of. The hospital came into sight, and it was the first time I actually caught a glimpse of the exterior. The tall structure from here seemed more like a psychiatric home, intimidating symmetrical cream walls rising up either side that sandwiched the entrance and it's pink-tinted windows. Still, the large white cross on the sign next to it assured me that I could get some pain relief. After walking up the winding path to the entrance, I opened the green doors gently and went inside. It seemed just as empty as the last time I was here, clearly, disease and death were laughable in Ponyville. The receptionist behind the front desk quickly took notice of me, and called into the side-room for the doctor. "Doctor Patchwork!" Patchwork? Maybe it was me, but that sounded strangely grim. Like fixing me up with a mess of random, temporary bits of cloth. Only fitting that he was the one to save me then. The brown-coated doctor poked his head around the side of the room adjacent to the receptionist, and smiled. They traded positions as the doctor began talking to me. "Max, welcome back! I hope this isn't a serious visit, I wouldn't want you to already be broken." "Not exactly..." "Good, how's Ponyville treating you so far? I see you have some new clothes," He said, pointing to my dark jacket. "Yeah, Rarity made them. It's been good so far, just searching around for things to do. The library isn't on my priority list." "Understandable, it is priority for the princess though, remember that. Anyway, what is it you need?" "Painkillers." I put simply. "Hmm... I don't exactly have a procedure for giving out drugs to humans. Any particular reason?" Thousands. "Would it be enough to say I have a prescription at home?" Did I have a trustworthy enough face? A scarred, baggy-eyed human about to crack without his daily fix. "Considering what you've been through so far..." He didn't know the half of it. If he did, I'd be qualified for a long stay in a spongy room with plenty of restraints. "I guess I can make a special exception. Give me a second." The doctor exited into the adjacent room, and I was left wondering how easy that was. I wouldn't call it catching a break, seeing as these would probably be the end of me. Then again, without the promise of alcohol, I couldn't indulge myself in a painkiller cocktail. I was accidentally getting exercise as well. And I wouldn't call it eating healthy, but it's probably better than a few-month old TV dinners. My lifestyle was accidentally reforming into something much finer. So why did I still feel the need for a chambered bullet sitting on the sidelines? Those old habits. "Here you go," The doctor came back, hovering the small bottle towards me. "You know the basics of using them safely, right?" "Of course," I lied. Maybe being unable to down it with a scotch anymore would put me off them. I doubted it. "Enjoy them responsibly, Max." "Hah, I will." Before I turned to leave, I remembered my actual purpose here. "Oh yeah, one more thing, can you point me to the Everfree forest?" "I would advise against going in there, it isn't exactly the safest place. What do you need there, anyway?" "I'm not going in, just around it. For a side-job, I'm hoping to get a bit of money. I don't know what for though." "Well, as long as you're not going in, just head behind the hospital and keep walking south of it. You'll hit the Everfree." "Great, thanks doc." I wondered if he'd still trust me after a few-hundred return trips. "Good luck on whatever it is you're doing, Max," He said as I began leaving. I couldn't tell whether that was for the job or for this life in general. Honestly, I didn't know either. "A, er, bodyguard," I told him, eager to get a response that wasn't my own disheartening one. "Sounds interesting, anyone important?" "I have no idea." Like most things I stepped into, this stain would be yet another unanticipated one. Exiting the hospital and into the blazing sunlight, I swerved around the hospital and headed towards the clusters of trees in the distance. After successfully reaching the outskirts of the forest, it was just a matter of following the edges until I came across whoever I was going to protect. Even in the afternoon, or whenever it was, the animals inhabiting the forest could be heard sounding their various cries. Nothing I recognised, but then again, I wasn't experienced in animals on Earth, let alone Equestria. It seemed endless, at least half an hour went by and I still had uncovered nothing. It must have doubled Ponyville for size, so I couldn't imagine the actual acres it took up inside. At least this cycle of pointless walking seemed to give me a chance to think. The halting of the animal noises appeared to signify this, giving me complete concentration to attempt the deadly act. Something I had ignored up until now was why I was still here, why I had made no further attempts to leave. I may have been low on authority in Equestria, but I sure as hell wasn't a push-over. If I needed to, I could easily press Twilight for information. Then again, the princess was supposed to be working on it, wasn't she? I wasn't seeing the results. However, I noticed myself shifting according to certain actions in Ponyville, and it takes being marooned to realise that. I had trapped myself in a maze of crystal shards that reflected the changing aspects of my being. Patience, generosity, fun... I sincerely felt I had manifested some of these virtues during my time here. The overall fact that I wasn't climbing the walls here, desperately clinging onto a hope for a way home; patience. The refusal of money from working the job at the school, I considered it at least an act of selflessness, if not generosity itself. Fun, the ability to let myself go in a way that wasn't hazardous to my health and appreciate the time I had with the children. One by one, I found it easier to try and redeem myself with qualities I could uncover, if only for a short time. Almost like I was a productive member of society, but with a record of murder that had gone unpunished. A lack of a sentence to scorn my behaviour. The removal of family that acted as a prologue to my drug-filled, alcoholic, beat-to-shit persona. Just like that, the old me was back. There was no hiding it. I was on my way to grudgingly work my way through a job so that I could be paid and spend more time away from the ponies that had so willingly accepted me. For a second there, I thought I had made some progress. Scary. "Who dares disturb The Great and Powerful Trixie's Spacious and Comfortable Camp Site?" I heard someone say from my position next to a wooden caravan that was nestled between two trees. 'The Great and Powerful Trixie'? I could tell this would be a blast. Defending someone who refers to themselves in the third person, I probably wouldn't mind screwing up this job. I couldn't pinpoint where the voice was coming from, so I was left looking into the forest as I replied. "Er, I had a note about a bodyguard job? Something about getting messy?" "Ah, yes, I knew that the hicks of Ponyville couldn't resist the charm and appeal of The Great and Powerful Trixie." A few moments of silence passed before she spoke again. "Judging by your grotesque appearance I can only assume that you are the human that backwater town is in such a hubbub about?" A number of insults sprang to mind, but for the sake of my employment they were better kept enclosed. "Yeah, I am." I decided that with a lack of respect from her, she didn't deserve any back. "Listen lady, if you want to do business, I'm gonna have to be able to see what I'm protecting." She was temporarily muted, as if pondering her next words. "Very well, the first stage of your employment shall be a test. You see, The Great and Powerful Trixie may have stranded herself up a lying and deceitful tree that Trixie thought was promising apples." I looked up, and through a light canopy of dying leaves, saw the blue mare cling onto a branch for dear life. She had an unamused expression that I could tell was masking her fear. "Chop chop, let's skip the pleasantries already," She said, already irritated by me. While most of me wanted to ditch her there and leave, I guess for the sake of being an upstanding citizen I didn't, looking around for something to help her with. With no convenient set of ladders I had to wonder how she got there in the first place. "Er, just jump. I'll catch you." Apparently, we both didn't like that idea. "What?! Are you insane? I doubt a creature as lowly as you would be able to support himself, let alone The Great and Powerful Trixie!" She made a wide range of hoof movements with one, and wrapped herself tighter around the branch with the other. "That is not to say Trixie's weight is overbearing! If anything, The Great and Powerful Trixie's figure is-" That's it, I was going to get some rocks. Maybe a big stick to poke her out of there. Something that could cause pain, at least. "Hey! Don't even think about abandoning Trixie!" "I'm not," I said with my back turned to the tree she was in, rummaging around her camp site. "I'm going to throw things at you instead." "If you touch a single perfect and groomed hair on Trixie's head-" "Then jump." "Urgh," She groaned in anger. "Fine. You get here right now and catch me." I was sad to have convinced her now, I had a nice collection of pine cones going. Walking back to the tree, I stared at her above; ponies didn't seem so small anymore. This was a terrible idea, and we were about to find out who for. With no indication, she leapt from the tree and descended upon me. An intense feeling flowed through me, a mix of anxiety and adrenaline topped off with a lethal dose of concentration. Not quite the exhilaration of being shredded by bullets or diving from an exploding building, but something. Enough to make time slow down. The unnecessary parts of this abrupt maneuver were washed out in grey, not critical to the catching of this egotistical mare. My actions could be thought about before they were carried out for once. Adjusting my arms, stance and distance, I prepared to rescue her. Time resumed. The initial force was the worst, nearly dislocating my arms and straining my back as I heard it crack. The solid ground held out well against my invading feet though, and kept me upright as I balanced the new weight. After a few seconds of sitting in my arms and not only judging the ground below, but my performance at catching, she carefully stepped off. "Not bad, Trixie could have just floated to the ground or teleported, but it proved an adequate test of your skills." God damn lack of guns. A blue glow enveloped something inside the caravan, and brought out was a comical-looking blue hat accompanied by a cape. "Now," She started as the attire was equipped, "The insurance company didn't quite cover the easy mobility of Trixie's caravan, so you are bestowed with the honour of pushing it to Ponyville." Was this really worth whatever I was being paid? While it wasn't much above my particular set of skills, I still felt that being a reckless, cold-hearted incarnation of death qualified me some degree of respect. Not only did the caravan appear far too heavy to push the entire way, there were two spots in front, suitable for it being horse-drawn. I didn't feel the need to lower myself any further, so, I hatched a plan that could easily not work. "I'll be back." I said bluntly, and left. On my way back to Ponyville. Trixie, shocked that anyone would just desert her, couldn't find the words to stop me, sighing audibly instead. As I recall, the royal guard of this town travel in pairs. I suppose I was sick of the control everyone else had over me, and it was about time I made someone else do the dirty work. It would also prove a test of just how much power I may be secretly storing. I was letting them get away with more than I'd allow back on Earth, surely. It took only a few minutes before I found a duo of gold-armour plated stallions standing besides an unmarked building. I was positive that they were put here to not only protect me, but watch me. A few random ponies went past, unfazed by my presence, I thought about whether that would affect the guards' responses or not, having an audience. I walked closer to them, and they instantly took notice without turning their heads. The streets of ponyville seemed deathly silent as I reached them, the surrounding houses observing us. I wasn't planning on being hostile, or expecting them to be, but to see their reaction would show just how I affected this town's government. Would they refuse and tell me to move on? Remain stoic throughout? Perhaps they'd be completely nonchalant. One thing I was convinced of, my presence would affect them. I was confident that the whole reason they were here was due to me, keeping information in and making sure I didn't fly off the handle. "Hello," I started simply. A quiet second of thinking later, and the left one said, "Greetings, Human." No reference to name then, I was certain everyone in this town knew it, so it was just for the sake of being professional. "I was wondering if you could help me out with something..." They didn't reply, so I hoped that was their assurance to continue. "I'm slowly getting used to Ponyville life, but I've landed myself a job, and there's a certain part which is beyond my capabilities. I was hoping that you two might be able to do it. Just five minutes, bring in a caravan from the Everfree." They looked at each other, surprised that I'd be asking such a stupid question. "Sorry, Sir, we are only authorised to stand guard here, nothing more," The right stallion said. Good, just the response I was hoping for. I had no clue how disciplined these two were, if they feared their leader's iron... hoof and could stay composed, or would just tell me to fuck off if I asked again. So far, they seemed trained, experienced, and that meant that they weren't willing to take a chance to screw up. "I think it would be in the best interests of the Elements of..." Dammit, what the hell where they called again? They were in some sort of position of power, I thought. "...The Elements, and Celestia if you helped me out here. Your jobs involve watching out for me, don't they?" Did they? I was just seeing what stuck as I pressed them. They didn't reply, my false facade of knowledge was convincing enough to make them consider their path. I knew that they knew that I was on to something. "And, the longer I stay outside Ponyville, the higher chance that someone in that mountain city'll see me." Hopefully I was playing to their career anxiety, and maybe even fear. Due to my size, I must have been intimidating. If they said no again, there's always the chance that the human will have a sudden bout of aggressiveness and attack them. I wondered if I could take them on? While hand-to-hand wasn't much my thing, I must have some advantages with size and reach. "Erm, well, she did say to use any means to keep the human secure in his stay here, I guess that counts?" The left stallion asked his friend, dropping the pretence of professionalism that I was putting up. Now that the pony was being casual, it was easy to spot the youth in his voice, the real amateur seeping in. "I don't know, is there, like, a punishment for leaving your post?" "It'll only take five minutes," I reiterated "Well," They stared at each other once more, coming to an agreement. "Okay, just, don't tell anypony." Finally, some control. For the first time in my stay here, I had power over someone. Granted, they seemed new to the game, but I'd take anything at this point. I didn't realise how damaging being ordered around by colourful ponies was to my confidence, let alone masculinity. That's what you get when you step out of a burnt, demoralising world and into a goody-two-shoes haven where the sky literally leaks rainbows. "Well, this is certainly impressive," Trixie said as I returned, the two guards either side of me. The entire walk here was devoid of noise, save for the crunching of a leaf as we approached the camp. "You managed to sweet-talk the royal guard into helping you? Trixie likes that," She smiled slyly from atop her caravan that was no longer hidden in the trees. Being praised by her did corrupt the feeling of success, my goal was to get through this without making her too happy. Then again, a bonus is a bonus. "Come along then, I assume they are going to be dragging it," She said, nose high in the air as she waited for her new chauffeurs to attach themselves to the home. Come to think of it, why did she need her home for the 'magical performance'? Passos would say something like, 'We don't get paid to ask questions, bro'. Look where that got us, you fool. Lifting it easily, and with me alongside them, the guards started the trail back to Ponyville. At least they weren't struggling, I didn't need any guilt trips. I was already on one that span a lifetime, sucking in everything I knew as I brought it with me like a pet rotweiler with an eating disorder. As we neared the open road into town, a faint-hearted call sounded my name. While the one-truck convoy continued on, from the edge of the forest we just exited came the shy yellow pony I hadn't seen much of. The 'yelling' stopped as we saw each other and she closed the gap. "Max... oh, um... hi," She said quietly. Actually, that was probably normal volume. If I was a little older, there'd be no way I could hear that. "Hi...?" I wondered, expecting something far more important than just a greeting. "Oh, yes, I just wanted to tell you that Pinkie is looking for you, she's trying to make friends with you... so you might want... to, um, avoid her." Avoid? Was it really that obvious that I had no desire for things like that? Something told me that it wasn't that, but there was more to this fearful pony than met the eye. Experience in watching from the sidelines, learning without disruption. "You're not into her antics either?" I asked. "Oh, well, she's a great friend and... her parties are amazing but, she always invites so many ponies... and always attracts so much attention. She's very loud," She added, and, I thought, was happy to get that off her chest. "I saw that you preferred staying by yourself at the party, so I thought I should, um, warn you. Unless you want to see her though, that would be nice as well." "I'll keep an eye out, thanks," I finished, and we parted. Granted, it may not fully make up for the joys of having a car, but a transforming caravan is impressive. The guards had already departed, leaving Trixie to create her own stage out of the mobile home. It expanded and opened into wooden floors elevated on both sides. There was no sight of what used to be, a wide curtain of purple shielding it. A number of cheesy signs were stuck to it's roof, like a shooting star or planet, while two sets of trumpets waited at the sides. Her purpose in life came across as being only to glorify her own existence, which showed in the transformation from reality, her small home, to her fantasy, the spotlit stage. We were in some kind of open plaza, probably the only area which would allow such a large contraption to take place. The commotion and clattering from it being set up alone seemed to attract an audience, ponies starting a gathering around it and creating a general hubbub. I couldn't pick out any particular conversations though. I stepped onto the stage and went behind the curtain, where Trixie was waiting. "Well? Do the audience look ready to have their small minds blown?" "I guess so. You might want to refrain from telling them that though." "Hmph, The Great and Powerful Trixie will tell them whatever she wants, and they will accept it as fact!" She reminded me a bit of Vlad. And now he's dead. Maybe she'd follow in his footsteps, it wouldn't surprise me if she spoke to everyone like this. I doubt she had it in her to be a Russian gangster though. "Trixie only regrets not being able to use the fireworks, but she cannot wait any longer for the night to come, her adoring public need her!" Throwing a smoke bomb onto the floor, she disappeared as the smoke dispersed, leaving me coughing by myself. Her shadow appeared on the other side of the curtain, striking many poses. The audience's conversations were halted as Trixie's rolling tones called out. "Come one, come all, come and witness the amazing magic of The Great and Powerful Trixie!" The trumpets called out a short fanfare, announcing the narcissistic mare's arrival. I moved over to the right side of the stage, hidden by one of the supporting walls, but still able to see Trixie. Being unable to see them, I couldn't quite gauge the audience reactions, but so far nobody had tried to kill her, this was a new record for me. About now would be when a squad of paramilitaries dropped down from a helicopter, abducted her, and emptied a few clips of submachine-gun fire into the crowd for a laugh. All the while I'd be struggling to get off the stage in my usual uncaring demeanour. At least I hadn't been able to drown my brain cells in scotch yet. She had begun performing, and, in spite of the audience not seeming to overwhelmed, I was impressed. I suppose for a unicorn, the tricks she was performing were elementary-grade. Still, juggling green fireballs was something I'd never think I'd see. It was cosily dark backstage, and, save for Trixie talking sometimes, had a mellowness about it. It was bare aside from the average cabinet of props. Some time passed and, seeing as everything was going well so far, this was the time I decided what to do next. Taking a painkiller, I cleared my head. Forced back to the library? That was the inevitable conclusion, perhaps I could delay it a little longer though. Depending on what money I could scavenge from this, I was tempted into a shopping trip. What exactly did I need though? A hat might be nice, just to cover up my ridiculous bald head, I wasn't required to be incognito anymore. An explosion of thunder roared, and Trixie was controlling the cracks of lightning to draw pictures and words in the sky. 'The Great and Powerful Trixie' was one, who'd have guessed? My stomach rumbled, and for the first time I noticed I hadn't eaten a proper meal in about two days. I still wasn't all that eager to eat, but I also wasn't eager to pass out. I assumed a steak wouldn't be on the menu here though, time to get used to salads. Reluctant to tell Twilight of human eating habits, especially after I already 'educated' her on our drug ones, I wasn't keen on ruining our species anymore. There was my checklist, a hat and a meal out, anything to keep away from the investigation that seemed to hit further and further home, knocking down the doors that protected my mental state. Sooner or later, Twilight was going to find out. I would tire of getting asked questions and satisfy her quest for knowledge with my quest of quenching my bloodlust. An abrupt burst of booing fired at Trixie, the jeers sounding tainted with anger. I snapped out of my inner monologue and stared at Trixie, who was on the receiving end of a few dozen rotten tomatoes. They weren't bullets, but I still felt compelled to stop the cliché attack. As the tomatoes splattered against the blue curtain behind her, I ran onto the stage just as one came for her staggered and fallen body. Because this job wasn't quite proverbial enough, I dived to deflect it. The greyed out sidelines of concentration started and my reactions sped up as time slowed down. Twisting my body mid-air, I made sure to cover Trixie's frightened form. Hitting me right in the chest, the tomato wasn't quite as reminiscent as the many bullets that had tried the same. Following in their footsteps, the tomato crumbled against me, giving off a repugnant odour as I fell to the ground. Time resumed, and there I was, lying on the floor, stained in red like many a time before. Max Payne, the washed up bodyguard that refused to be dragged back by the tides. The stubborn old man whose skeletal structure was peppered with holes, and still wouldn't die. The unqualified referee of life who gave out far too many red cards. Standing up quickly, and before I could see the audience response, I went back to Trixie and held out my arms from any more possible attacks. I was actually taking this seriously, like my fate depended on this. I couldn't help but laugh at myself when I pictured Passos throwing one more tomato directly at me. The audience went silent, either astounded by my feat of heroism or just thinking about their next move. The tomato-throwing hooves gradually receded into the crowd, and everyone was at an impasse. I could be being full of myself, but they stopped because of me, so, did that mean that they have some respect for this bitter old man? Or was it simply intimidation, the underlying threat of me going ape-shit and tearing up the crowd. I could bet I was the only one who kept coming back to that option. I wasn't as dangerous as I kept thinking I was, because I didn't need to be. If it was possible to have a mass awkwardness moment, the dead air between the audience, Trixie and I, would take the prize. I whispered to Trixie, "Come on, show's over." "Urgh! Simpletons! Unable to handle even the slightest genetic modification!" She yelled to the crowd, and I quickly whisked her away before anymore fruits could be flung. Hidden away from the crowds, we waited for them to disperse backstage. Trixie stormed about in a rage, crushing her hat beneath her hooves and pacing the floor. "What the hell happened? Everything was going fine," I inquired, if only to waste some time. Truthfully, the only question on my mind was for the pay. "These filthy little whelps apparently object when you try to replace just a tiny fragment of their DNA with that of a carrot! Trixie has done it plenty of times before and they have always turned out ninety-four percent okay!" Right. Carrot DNA. Yet another reason to get out of here as soon as possible. I was going to risk it, while she was in a fury with carrots on her mind, I was going to try and nab my pay and leave. Flicking off some of the previous tomato's entrails from my white undershirt, I tried dancing around the phrase 'give me my money'. "Listen, Trixie, the job is done, the proof is on the floor," I said, pointing towards the rotting carcass, "If I get my money now, I can leave and take any remaining crowds with me." "Hmmph, The Great and Powerful Trixie has no need for money. Anything she desires is brought to her on a silver platter!" If that meant I wasn't getting anything I was going to choke her on painkillers, and I doubt she had built up the immunity I did. "But, I have acquired a decent sum of money as this idiotic town does not accept acorns as payment. For protecting The Great and Powerful Trixie's glorious and magnificent image, Trixie guesses you have earned it." From one of the side cabinets that held a collection of fireworks, she brought out a satchel that jangled as she passed it to me. It was a fair weight too, definitely enough to get me by. Still, just to check, I opened it and saw the bounty of golden coins waiting inside. Eager to get the last laugh, the blue mare added before leaving, "Trixie can easily make that back in an hour!" Huh. Guess Ponyville wasn't as innocent as I thought.