There is something that I feel I need to talk about. Something that happened a while ago. Well, not that while ago. But that is not the point. Consider this a cautionary tale of sorts.
I’m going to keep my name to myself. It’s enough that the people present in the story know whom it’s about. Nobody else has to.
Now then, let’s start at the very beginning. You know that feeling, where you fancy a girl, but just not in that way? You know, when you look at them and she makes you feel… funny. It’s not quite love, but something similar. Well, that’s the way I’ve been feeling about Fluttershy and that feeling was starting to overwhelm me.
Now, I am not a beginner when it comes to stuff like this. You just gotta be honest and confident. If she rejects you, it’s no big deal, no hard feelings. It never actually worked for me, but I’ve seen videos where it did, so I was eager to try until I succeed. But I wasn’t sure how to go about it when it comes to girls like Fluttershy. She seemed different to that. So I went and asked one of her closest friends, Rainbow Dash. She told me, that Fluttershy’s not clueless either, that she knows about them birds and bees. Mostly because she deals with birds and bees daily. She also had her own share of suitors, so it’s not like she’s unfamiliar with the situation.
Rainbow also told me, that she has expressed interest in me before. As in, she’s interested in helping me out and that she thinks I’m kinda cute. Rainbow told me, that while I shouldn’t expect much, it might be a good idea to go for it and see what happens.
I wish I didn’t. Oh, how I wish I didn’t.
_______________________________________________
So the moment has finally come. The perfect moment to try my luck. We were between classes, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were at their lockers. I was already nearby and had enough time to go and talk to them. Rainbow’s company actually helped me gather some more courage. It was perfect, I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. So I approached them.
Rainbow noticed me before Flutters did. “Hey,” she said to her, “somebody wants to talk to you.” She then pointed at me with her eyes.
Fluttershy turned around, her eyes filled with curiosity. “Y-yes?” She asked looking right at me. I admit, my heart stopped for a brief second, which is longer than it has ever stopped before.
“Hey, Fluttershy… I was just thinking… maybe we could…” I could barely pry the words out my mouth. But eyes were already on me. Rainbow kindly pretended she wasn’t there. At this point I could have said nevermind, but I wouldn’t be able to bear bailing out at this point.
I wish I did though. Instead of that, I managed to say the dumbest thing I have ever said.
“Would you like to… study… some biology with me after school?” Those were the words that doomed me.
It didn’t seem like a failure at the time. Fluttershy was practically beaming with joy.
“Oh, I hoped you’d finally ask!” That came as a bit of a surprise. A pleasant surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. “I’d love to!”
I’d like to point out, biology is her favourite subject. It’s not hard to ace a subject when you use it daily, so her enthusiasm makes complete sense. I on the other hand, was awful. I’m awful in almost all subjects and biology is not an exception.
So anyway, I carried on with my nonsense. “So… your place or mine?”
“I know a small classroom that’ll be empty, we can go there if it’s good for you.”
Right here in school? I thought to myself. But fair enough, with proper precautions, you can create yourself a good private place and you don’t have to wait for the parents to be gone. And besides, I’ve seen videos of it happening in classrooms, so why not?
If only I knew.
So we agreed to that and parted ways. Everything seemed perfect. It was only Rainbow’s laughter, that seemed out of place.
“Why are you laughing?” I asked.
She put my hand on my shoulder. “You… you…” That’s all she could say before cracking up again.
“You told me to go for it and it went perfectly.”
She wiped a tear from her eye and composed herself. “You’re right… It went perfectly. I’m happy for you. Good luck to both of you!” She then walked away, still snickering to herself.
If only I knew, she wasn’t laughing with me; she was, in fact, laughing at me.
___________________________________________
So the time has finally come. Our classes were over and the room we agreed on was finally empty. I asked for the keys and headed straight for the classroom. Fluttershy was already there, waiting for me and smiling adorably when I finally showed up. I inserted the key into the keyhole and we entered the room. Then almost immediately, I locked the door.
She looked at me funny. “Um, why did you lock the door?” She asked.
“So nobody can disturb us.” I said, still confident in my terrible idea.
“Okay then, we do need the space. We’ve got a lot of studying to do.”
You’re darn right, we do, I thought. I slid the key into my pocket and felt like the coolest guy in the world. That’s when I saw her sit down to one of the desks and take out her biology books. She’s into role playing, I see. Well, I can roll with that.
If only I knew.
I sit down on the opposite side of the desk, sliding a chair under me, like the coolest guy ever. I practiced that move a lot, at home. I was glad I could finally use it. She paid no attention to that though, but she did notice that I didn’t bring anything.
“Don’t you have a notebook with you?” She asked.
“No, I didn’t bring it. I didn’t think we were gonna need it.”
“Well, I have a spare with me,” she said and took out an empty notebook, “there’s a lot to go through with heredity.”
Heredity? Perhaps she’s waiting for me to proceed, like those videos I’ve seen. So I thought I could be slick.
“I thought we could go for something else…”
“Oh? But we’re having a test tomorrow and you shouldn’t fail it like the last one.”
Her response took me slightly off guard, but I decided she’s just playing hard to get, so the pay-off could be better. So I carried on with the cool guy act.
“I thought we could study some... anatomy.”
“Anatomy?”
“Maybe some sexuality too…”
“But we finished that more than two weeks ago.” She was perplexed at my suggestion. “And you failed that one too.”
Now that’s just great, getting roasted by complete accident. At the time I thought it was part of the act, but honestly I should have suspected it wasn’t going my way. But I didn’t and I kept up the act.
“Who cares what the test says, I can show you what I know.”
She got a bit flustered. That should have been the billionth sign that it wasn’t going to go the way I intended.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Upset? I admit, her comment felt a bit mean, but I didn’t actually take it seriously. Perhaps the response was a bit too aggressive for her liking? Well, in a way, yes.
“So you’re preparing for the big end of the year test?” She continued, while turning the pages.
“I guess you could say that.”
“Okay then. What can you tell me about the male reproductive system?”
“I uh...” I have no idea what that means. I assume she meant the jiggly bits.
“Come on,” she tried to encourage me, “I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“How about I show you instead!” Oh dear, I’m still horrified by that answer.
She looked at me funny, even disgusted. “I’d prefer you didn’t.”
“But then how are we gonna get to the fun part?” I asked.
“Well, I find the entire subject fun. I guess if you’re not interested then-“
“No no, I’m totally cool with role playing.”
“Role playing?” That was the response, where I finally begun to suspect something. That something was not going the way I planned. In hindsight all of her responses should have done it for me.
So I had to raise the question. “Wait, are you actually going to teach me stuff?”
“Yes?” She got very confused. “Isn’t that why we’re here?”
I looked at her perplexed expression. She looked at me like she’s never seen an idiot before. Suddenly the entire room felt like it was falling away from me, the air got unbearably warm, sweat began to pour down from my skin, like a waterfall. In that moment, the only thing that existed is her puzzled expression and that feeling of utter defeat. Like I was falling into an abyss and the light was just a girl looking at me like I’m a complete moron. It was at this moment I knew... I messed up.
There was no turning back now. If I left it at a “nevermind” and carried on studying, then this moment would be forever engrained in her mind as the most awkward encounter with anyone. I already ruined any chances I ever had. Besides, she’d eventually figure it out anyway and I’d have no chance to redeem myself when she did. Also, I don’t think anyone would have the mental presence to be able to study after such a disastrous social miscalculation.
I had no choice, but to explain myself.
“I uhh...” Yep, it was going to go that well. “I just... had something else in mind.”
“Like what?” She asked with genuine confusion.
“Uh, you know... like... study biology?” I didn’t feel like giving a direct answer.
“But... what could you possibly mean by that, if not...” And that’s when she finally pieced it together. She saw it when I locked the door, she saw the serious lack of studying equipment on my part, she heard all those weird comments I made and most of all, she saw the pages I lead her to. I could tell she figured it out, because her face turned bright red.
“Oh...” That’s all she had to say. “Study biology... I get it.” She then closed the book and stared blankly with a reddish face. “Very funny.” She added. I’m sure there were myriads of thoughts circling inside her, but that’s just all that could come out.
We sat there for what felt like an eternity. The silence was maddening and it felt like I was being burned alive. After a few extremely long seconds, she looked at me, still blushing..
“You know, you should take your studies more seriously.” She tried to act firm, some anger seeped into her redness. As softly as she talked, her words still felt like anvils launched directly into my ears.
I sat there in shameful silence, couldn’t even look at her straight.
She got up to leave, but stopped for a brief moment. “I could have actually helped you, you know.”
“Yeah...” That’s it, that’s all I could say.
I think she was going to say something else too, but then decided not to. I guess she knew, the situation spoke for itself. She tried to walk out the door and just leave me there. But of course the door was locked. My torture had to last that much longer.
We exchanged an awkward glance, but I quickly broke it and stared at the ground instead. I got up and took the key out of my pocket. I was going to open the door for her, but when I looked at her, even that tiny bit of virility disappeared from me. So I just gave the key to her instead. She opened the door and left without a word. I stared at the keys dangling from the keyhole. I was listening to make sure nobody was around when I left. Thankfully nobody was, but her footsteps still echoed through the empty hallway and I simply couldn’t move as long as I could still hear that.
_______________________________________________
And now, the perfect situation has come again. The same little space between classes and the same position as before. Fluttershy was again with Rainbow at their lockers and I was again nearby. My failure has passed days ago, but the embarrassment remained. I felt really bad about putting Fluttershy in that situation like that. So, I decided to try my luck again, this time apologizing.
So I walked up to them again. Rainbow saw me first again and she let out a small snort of laughter.
“Hey, Fluttershy. Somebody’d like to talk to you.” She said, then turned away immediately, trying to not laugh too loud.
Fluttershy turned to me. My heart stopped again as the curious gleam in her eyes faded as soon as she saw me.
“If this is about another ‘study session’ then I’m not interested.” She said in a surprisingly polite way.
“No, not another.” I said. “Who’d want to repeat that?”
I could hear a restrained laughter coming from Rainbow, who was hiding behind the locker.
“No, I’m here to apologize.” I continued. “I put you in a horribly uncomfortable situation.”
She seemed not at all impressed. “You know, it’s flattering that you think of me that way, but you should have known I’m not that kind of girl.”
“Yes, that was stupid of me; I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“And you should have been a lot clearer with your intentions.”
I nodded.
However, she hasn’t finished yet. “But the one you should be apologizing to is yourself.”
I was a bit puzzled by that. “Myself?” I said, I didn’t understand how apologizing to myself works.
“I’m not mad at you for...” she paused and coughed into her fist, “being ‘mature’...”
At this point, I wasn’t sure where she was going, but she followed up with some very good points.
“You’re a terrible student but I always thought you were trying your best. And maybe we could have gotten to know each other better. But I guess, in a way, I did get to know you a lot better. And I don’t like what I found. It turns out, you’re only interested in... the reproductive system. I was hoping you’re more than that.”
She pause to wait for my response. I didn’t have any.
“I hope you know you’re only hurting yourself with that attitude.” She finished, then paused again to wait for my response.
But I didn’t know what else to add. I just stood there, staring blankly at the ground. She waited a few seconds, then left. Rainbow came out from behind the locker and gave me that ‘you messed up, you absolute moron and I enjoyed every minute of it’ look and went with Fluttershy.
Fluttershy’s words were tender, but agonizing at the same time. I guess the most painful thing about it was the fact I had a chance and completely blew it. Just could have pretended I’m interested in the subject, even if I flunked my tests, we would still end up spending time together and maybe eventually getting to the fun part. But I might just get bored and stop bothering halfway through. I guess some girls are just simply harder to get and there is a bit more to those videos I saw. Perhaps this is what it’s like when a girl is out of my league. And it’s not like I’m that good with girls anyway, as I said I haven’t had much luck so far. But I kept trying and embarrassment is a good opportunity to learn.
Whatever, I learned a lot. And I shall apply the things I learned and try my luck with Lyra. You know, that mint green haired girl? She seems like she’d be into it and she probably has lower standards than the popular girls. I should give it a shot.
Wish me luck.